I've never been so excited or scared to go to work in my life. I'm going to be a great big ball of nervous energy tonight when Sam comes in. I'm going to be hard pressed not to freak the fuck out. That's what's going to happen. Not that I'm going to freak the fuck out. Merely that I'm going to have to try NOT to.
The fact that I'm surprisingly confident that Sam wants me, too, does not make my crush on him any easier to deal with. It WOULD...except I'm not convinced he knows I'm married and THAT part is the problem. I don't want to tell him. Except how could I NOT. So I was thinking of just asking him "if I weren't married would you go out with me?" Which would kind of cover it. And if he answered "yes" then maybe I'd follow it up with "I am married... will you go out with me anyway?!?" Ha ha. Except I'm not so sure about that last part. Because it's kind of creepy. I wouldn't respond to it. Dammit.
So I don't really know what to say but I'm desperately afraid that if I don't say ENOUGH... like... that my marriage is open and please god wouldn't he like to play... that he'll just... stop talking to me. On the other hand, if I do tell him enough and he stops talking to me... well... that's no solution, either....
I don't want to lose what we have. Which isn't much. Except my adoration....
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