Damn it.

Yeah, I ended up crying about it anyway. What a big baby.

Actually, it's not just that. It's that husband is so close and prefers to pretend my sexuality doesn't exist. Martin is ignoring me utterly, probably put off by the fact that I haven't let him be my only lover. Troy is... well... I'm tempted to put him back into the picture (if he'd have me) just to have SOMEONE to fuck. Sam is clearly no longer an option... not that he ever realistically was. I SAID he was too good for me and I should have known better. Nils... well... Nils might not be too good for me but... probably. And of course Keith is a million miles away and while I keep up the fantasy... at moments like these it crashes down and I realize how little he and I DO have.

And I cry. And cry.

Tomorrow I'm going to look like ass for it. That's great since I'm insecure AND vain.

Woe is me, right? But you know what? It's my right to feel sorry for myself sometimes.

Why the FUCK did I say anything to Sam?! At least before I had the fantasy. Something to focus on besides my own empty misery....

Probably in the morning I'll feel better. I hope. Because this is really, really bad.