So I started the day by getting up an hour early to check for Keith online. He wasn't there which wasn't a big surprise because I figured he was otherwise occupied. So I went back to bed. An hour later I woke up and took my shower and headed downstairs to go online like I do every morning. And there he was.
We ended up spending the morning talking... some of it related to my recent blog posts... some to do with e-mails. I think he asked me to write about him. And about some of our fantasies. However, I'm just not in the mood right now. Instead I'm here to bitch myself out. Besides, it's my blog and it's my choice so there.
Nils came in at about his normal time. A little early, maybe. Just him. There was no one else in the whole building during that time. At all. And I said "hi" and then promptly ignored him. As much as I could. I actually walked around the store doing my work laughing quietly at myself for the way my heart immediately began to pound... my breath coming faster.
He ended up approaching me and we talked a little. I finally asked him if that local bar is the place he usually hangs out. "No, REAL cops hang out there. I WISH I could hang out there." I thought about it for few moments and it struck me that maybe THAT is where Mark (my first long term "affair") used to hang out. And then I couldn't help but wonder if he still does. I'm tempted to go down there around the time he used to hang out... just to see....
I don't even remember most of the rest of the conversation. But I had PMS really bad all day so while I was MORE than happy to see him I just wasn't as really happy as I normally am. So he teased me about it just before he left. And I could have fucking told him at ANY time during that conversation that I wanted him. I think I should just ask him "you KNOW I have a crush on you, right?" because what's more innocent than that?
But god damn was I in a bad mood all day. I was silently berating the customers left and right wanting them all to die slow and terrible deaths because they were pissing me off for things that shouldn't have bothered me at all.
Sam came in, too. And he wasn't going to work out. I am currently telling myself he came to see me. Of course I'm reasonably sure he DIDN'T but he also didn't buy anything, though he looked. He is so fucking hot. And as he was getting ready to leave I stared at him, once again completely alone in the store with this super hot guy... I opened my mouth to tell him "I just want you to know I think you're super hot... and you're nice too..." but nothing came out. He started to leave and I said "wait... don't go.... you can stay...." He smiled at me and I added "or... you can stay and I can go..... no...?" Ah, I'm a loser. But really I want to tell him something like "you really sparkle." except I'm not sure guys WANT to sparkle. Except he does. He's just... this lovely ray of light... twinkling eyes.... Well, whatever. Just before he left he told me "maybe I'll see you tomorrow" and I said "I'll be here." So now I'm going to have my hopes up all fucking night long....
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