Screw it all.

So I ran into Keith online today. That was... eventful to say the least. We had a really long conversation. One of those conversations that convinces me we're better suited than I allow myself to believe. Whatever the case, it was a good conversation. I gave him the address to this blog, even.

The thing about that is that... well... I've never really given it to the people that MATTER... I mean... no offense to anyone I "know" who reads this but there's a huge difference between most people and the people I've already admitted to being in love with. I was nervous letting him read. I didn't want to. But... you know... fuck it. If it was enough to change his mind about me... then let it be. It'd save me a lot of heartache. Unfortunately, it didn't.

Granted a lot of what I've written about him has been complimentary to the extreme. However, even a little bit of criticism can be blown out of proportion... and he didn't do that, shockingly. Not at all. Took it to heart, even. And as he sat there commenting to me on what I'd written I thought "oh... fuck... this isn't making my adoration of him lessen at ALL." So yeah. Not better.

On the other hand conversation turned toward our "relationship" and what it could or would be. And there's certainly no question for either of us that the answer is "nothing more than it is right now" and yet... there's always that... hope. Hidden deep away. That maybe this... this is the man... but... no... I talked about that before.

So we ended the conversation on a light note but really... it just hurt. To wonder about the possibilities... and to not be able to answer my heart's questions. He'll find someone else, I'm sure. He's that kind of a guy. And I'll be thrilled for him. And my heart will quietly break just a little. Or maybe it'll all just fade away like I imagine it will. Like it can. Without care and attention...

Part of me thinks we should just break off all contact. But a huge chunk of me cries out at the very idea. Not yet... please... not yet....

Martin texted me asking me to come over. So when Keith left to do his daily activities I decided to go see Martin. Except he didn't really mean it. He did originally... but not so late... though he still suggested it would be okay... but it wasn't. He did come online and let me bitch for a while about how torn I feel. And realize that even talking to him I'm no further along in knowing what the fuck to do with myself. I informed him that he is by far the WORST fairy godmother EVER.


So I ended up having a fairly lengthy chat with Martin, too. And I finally had to ask him how come he doesn't go down on me anymore. And I couldn't. I literally could not BREATHE. And that was just trying to TYPE the fucking question. I had to stop. I just... couldn't do it. And I apologized him him whole heartedly for telling him I was going to ask a question and then NOT. Finally he was ready to go offline and I thought "fuck... if I can't ask Martin this one little question how the FUCK am I going to proposition Nils?!?" So I came out with it. After qualifying the hell out of the question I asked. And then I laughed myself silly and started crying. Just a little. Because it is, in memory, the hardest question I've ever asked in my life. I don't know how or why but it's absolutely the case.

And he responded "silly girl, it wasn't anything intentional, if you want that, by all means I can be there." Except... you know... now that I had to ask it's like "fuck... don't do me any favors then, ass." because you know... I go down on him because it's a pleasure. The idea of NOT taking him into my mouth given the opportunity... that'd be an intentional choice to NOT give him pleasure. So where the fuck is that from him? I NEVER make him ask because I know he's sensitive about that and I also know I like to do it... so where the fuck is that sensitivity from him towards me?!? Yeah, so I'm irritated at him. Not fatally so. I decree he may live another day. But god damn. It was close.

So it's about 4 AM and I'm tired. My brain is slowly going numb and I just can't THINK anymore. Except of the idea of snuggling into Keith's waiting arms. Which just isn't going to happen....

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this after I wake up.