What's up.

After SD's comment that I sounded down lately, I figure I might as well write a little before I go to bed. I worked out and took a shower so now my hair's all wet and I hate trying to sleep on a wet pillow.

Obviously I'm dealing with a lot of emotions regarding Keith. And husband. Trying to figure out where I stand, between the two of them. Husband and I have history. He knows all about me, my biggest fears to my stupidest mistakes. Things I don't think I've even admitted to Keith, yet. Husband and I have this long history and friendship. Most of the time (at least 75% of the time) I still really like him. He's funny and smart and... constant. He's always here for me and I can count on the fact that he will always be here for me.

With Keith... well... who knows? I still don't know him well enough to even imagine what being with him would be like. For starters the sex is AWESOME and I see that as something that would only get better with time, rather than worse. On the other hand, he IS in the military and goes away from home quite a lot. Consistancy... the whole "being there" thing... well.. it's not his strong suit. He can't really HELP that and I understand that... but it doesn't make things easier. He's funny and attentive.

Keith is very much the unknown. And maybe it makes him glamorous. But he's so far away. So different from me. And yet it just seems so RIGHT so much of the time. However, I think about some of the things we've talked about and think "I can't BE that for him." Thus the obediant housewife thing of today. I wanted to see how far I could carry it. I wanted to see just how long I could deal with the idea of all of these things being my JOB in the way that he's told me he'd expect it to be. And I'm just not that girl. I can't BE what he wants. And I'd try. Oh god would I try.

So I seem doom and gloom for a relationship between Keith and I. But the fantasy is so fucking spectacular. So easy to keep alive with the distance between us. But I know better. I do. And so does he.... But the fantasy is so sweet. And the sex was so good. And he's just so... sexy, gentle... charming... all these wonderful things that I just NEED so badly. He accepts my love in a very... appreciative way I've never really experienced before. And it just floors me. I WANT that in my life.

So I'm dealing with all of that. And at the same time I'm trying NOT to deal with the idea of divorcing my husband, period. Keith or no Keith. Troy asked me yesterday why I'm still with my husband if I'm as dissatisfied as I seem. And I couldn't really give him a better answer than "because I married him." Athiest, feminist, left wing, social liberal that I am... I don't take marriage lightly. Nor divorce. It's important to me and I won't cheapen it by walking out just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the world and I'm dissatisfied with the tint of what I have in front of me.

"Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something."*

It's not an easy thing. I go to tuck husband in at night and lay down at his side, my head resting on his shoulder and I think about all the nights we've done that. All the conversations we've had that way... and the fact that he still calls me up to tuck him in... still comes to tuck me in when I go to bed first...no matter how upset either of us are about anything. All the things we still share that really MATTER to me. The way he's held me when I cry... something I used to sit in my preadolescent/teenage bedroom and quietly beg god for... just someone to hold me while I cry... and I HAVE that, now.

All those things I needed as a child I get from husband. And the idea of leaving... of starting over yet AGAIN... with a new "family"... or alone... like I've done SO many times in my life, having to leave that entire part of my life behind... it's not something I can just DO. It means walking away from a life I've worked so hard to build... because... why?

I know there are reasons. I know they're good reasons. But it's still not something I could do lightly. And hurting husband that way is so beyond me. He doesn't try all the time. He's lazy and selfish, like most of us are (myself included). But we've been together a long time and I know he loves me.

So I spend my days arguing with myself about my emotions. The rest of the time I spend gazing longingly at Sam and Nils wondering if sleeping with them is going to be the thing that can take me from longing for Keith to being satisfied with both my sex life... and the rest of my life with husband....

I don't know the answers. But the questions lay heavily on my mind. All the time.

*Yeah, that's a movie quote. Suck on it.