Slow Going

So I was chatting up this guy whom I'll likely never sleep with. Intelligent, well hung... all those things I kind of like... but... no real connection. However we were chatting and I got to talking about exactly what I wrote about in my last post. My desire to be more vocal and more honest in bed. I swear if I ever manage to jump Nils' bones I want that man to absolutely adore what I do to him in bed... and I want to adore what he does to me if I have to beg borrow and plead with him to do what I need him to do.

Anyway, among the things I'm nowhere near asking for... oral. Oh man. The idea just makes me want to cringe. Actually ASKING for that. Nooooooooooooooooooo. So I was thinking about it and about the fact that Martin hasn't done it for me in a long time. And I was considering that maybe (just maybe) since he likes a more expressive woman in bed he might just be waiting to see if I'll request it. On the otherhand, he claimed (early on) that he'd NEVER ask for oral sex... and he's been amazingly demanding (silently) about the subject. I never do make him ask. I do it because I want to. He claimed to feel the same way... but the fact that he's stopped makes me wonder.

Now, you may be thinking that I'm a damned fool and just need to ask him why he stopped... but that'd be the same asking asking for him to go down on me and the idea mortifies me. I just... can't... yet.

On the other hand, if Keith were here I'd jump his bones and beg him to put his tongue in my cunt. Somewhere along the way I lost my shame when it comes to Keith. Maybe it was the moment I felt his tongue in my ass. Whatever it was... I knew Keith wasn't someone to bother trying to hide my desires from.

Martin certainly started the revolution, Keith was an excellent example of where I want to go and also how much further I need to go... so where will this go? What am I going to become? And will Nils really get to enjoy the fruits of my labor?

So many thoughts for the middle of the night. It's bed time now. Maybe I'll dream of the answers.

Also, tenative date set for me and Martin to play "sometime" this weekend. I need something more from him than I've been getting these last few times. I gotta figure out what the fuck it is... and then make him give it to me. Because god damn I need to be fucked.