Fuck today anyway.

I was getting excited to see Nils. As the store began to clear out and he hadn't yet arrived I kept looking excitedly toward the door. But he never came in. Another man who works with him came in and told me he was buying some stuff for other people. I looked at one of the items and asked "is this for Nils?" The guy looked at me vaguely surprised, "yeah... how'd you know?" I laughed, "because it's like... what he ALWAYS gets." "well, he couldn't wait to come in so I told him I'd pick it up. I'm sure he'll be in later." I shook my head, "naw, that's all he gets. He won't be in." And he wasn't.

Sam didn't show up either. His regular time came and went with no sign. He SAID he'd be there. But apparently he lied. Although I suspect he had his own reasons I was still painfully disappointed. Every single customer that walked through the door who was NOT him merely served to piss me off. EVERY customer. And I had to hide it. Because I wasn't pissed at them. I wasn't even pissed at Sam. Just SO disappointed. ALL NIGHT.

So maybe he'll show up tomorrow. And I can kick his ass. Or tell him that I want to bite it. Or lick it. Or whatever he wants me to do to it because god damn he's hot. I'm still not sure what to say to him.

On the other hand, it was brought to my attention that Sam is in the military and I am a military wife... and Sam is in a position where if he messed around with me and got caught it could be a big deal. And I thought "fuck" because that's totally TRUE. On the other hand, I started thinking about Keith who's in a similar position of having a lot to lose had he been caught with me... and of the Ex who was in about the same position Sam is in now... and of a number of other guys... not to mention the Bisexual guy whom I could totally sleep with... and the guy that HE almost slept with... and well... what I'm saying is that it'd probably take a pretty stupid person to get caught so why sweat it? Husband doesn't give a shit so why should anyone else?

Meanwhile, Troy started talking about the fact that he, too, has a lot to lose. And brought up a rather famous case of adultery in the services. There's a great story he told me about it that I CAN'T TELL which really sucks because it's funny and one of those things I'd be laughing at years from now if only I could remember it. Needless to say Troy got mightily freaked out by something that happened and after missing BOTH my other men he informed me that we couldn't see each other as planned. If at all.

And I considered murder. Or crying. Or just giving up on men altogether. He's since changed his mind and merely decided we need to exercise a certain amount of discretion but otherwise we'll be fine. The plan is to get together Saturday. After that, though... who knows?

I haven't heard from Martin in a while. I text messaged him a few days ago and asked how his visit with his family went. He replied something vaguely cryptic and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure what to think about that. Obviously the phone works both ways and I'm still not thrilled with his luke warm attitude after the last time he and I had sex. Not happy at ALL. So I'm thinking I'll wait for him to invite me over because I'm not desperate anymore and I'm not going to go begging for something I'm not even sure I really WANT right now anyway.