Talking

Keith and I ended up having another lengthy chat. The chat before I was really kind of saddened by much of what we talked out. About the impossibility of a relationship between us. About my desire to run away from home and be with him. About a lot of things. The more recent conversation I was more at peace with myself. Sometimes I forget about the fact that I don't live in a "normal" relationship and that I will never believe that being in love with one person precludes my being in love with anyone else. I don't believe in a famine economy of love and I hope I never do. Just as parents choose to have more children because it makes them happy to have more loved ones in their lives. Having more children would never prevent them from loving their first child. Just the same having more loves does not prevent me from loving my husband.

It brought my peace to remember that it IS possible to love more than one person at a time. I can love him and love my husband at the same time. It doesn't have to be one or the other for me. For Keith, unfortunately, he remains quite firm in his belief of both physical and emotional monogamy. I understand that, really, however it doesn't make it easier to accept.

So, while I remain secure and confident in the fact that I love him and likely always will... it's hard to accept that he cannot give me the same assurance. Because he chooses not to. Which means when he finds another woman to love... I shall be left behind. It's still worth it for me to share what love we can... but it remains painful to consider it ending.

Such is the case with Martin, too. He broke me heart when he told me we couldn't see each other anymore, a while back. Of course, he changed his mind but it changed his place in my life. I imagine the same will happen with Keith one day. Maybe sooner or later. And it doesn't thrill me. But of course, I do know both he and I will be okay. I'm certainly a better person for having known him and it's really hard to ask for more than that....