The laptop.

So last night my husband came to bed looking pensive. I didn't think much of it, I was tired and more than ready to get some sleep. "Umm... have you had a problem with the laptop turning off for no reason?" "No," I told him, ready to turn off the light. "Umm. I wasn't looking at porn or anything but the laptop turned off and it won't come back on." Which only made me laugh. You'd think I'd be upset. The laptop's broken? Great. But no, all I can think is "you weren't looking at porn"? I shook my head at him, "it's probably because you were looking at porn" I got up to go look at the laptop and punch futilely at the power button. "I wasn't looking at porn," he swore. "Right, other than the porn," I replied. "I wasn't looking at porn!" he repeated, adding "I was THINKING about looking at porn, but I wasn't, yet." "You know," I mused, "I believe the computer knew you were going to look at porn and it died inside."

Good times.

So I masturbated (unexpectedly!) to some porn tonight. I came across it (so to speak) accidentally and found myself turned on enough to masturbate myself to orgasm within about... two minutes.

First off, what is it about me fucking men that makes 2 minutes suddenly take 20 or an hour? Gah. It's very frustrating. If I could come in 2 minutes with a lover, I could come at least twice. Plenty of time for clitoral rest in between orgasms....

Anyway, I'm pretty much using lube and a finger and skipping an internal device. No vibrator, no dildo, nothing. Which is rather a bit unlike me. However, I've discovered that really my vibe is just inconvenient. It's just that much too long for me to comfortably position myself so that it's hands-free. Furthermore, my "splurge" purchase a while back, while occasionally okay... just doesn't fit me as well as I'd like so it's almost painful to use. Lastly, my barbell is just not girthy enough to provide the sensation I crave. Unfortunately, I simply can't afford to add to my small collection right now. Which is really a shame.

So the good news about it is that after two months of not having anything inside me was pretty fucking awesome, the last time. And I'm considering putting myself off that way again. Maybe the next thing inside me will be a lovely cock and I can enjoy the sensation of being penetrated for the first time in a long while... and having it be by something with the proper dimensions.

If only I could do that two minute orgasm with the hypothetical guy....

The fact is...

I switched to the beta (although of course now they say they're out of beta) and I fucking loathe it. Okay, okay.. it's not so much the new blogger that I loathe so much as I get frustrated everytime I type out a comment on other peoples blogs only to discover I have to sign on using my google account. Except when I do that my entire comment (usually long... I'm wordy) disappears. So I close the browser and leave the computer. Yeah, it pisses me off. Just a little. My frustration with that bleeds over to my feelings about the blog. Avoidance is the better part of me not breaking the mother fucking computer over this. Or something.

My schedule is all fucked up (I'm slowly working on righting it... but waking up at 3:30 in the morning wasn't in the plan). I STILL don't have a job and I'm getting super pissed. I cannot begin to understand why I haven't been hired even at the entry level positions I've put in for. Entry level in retail, which I've been doing for 10 god damned years. Ridiculous. I get passed over for the higher positions, too. What. The. Fuck?!? It's not rocket surgery, for christ sake. I'm starting to worry that it has something to do with my background check. Except it shouldn't. There's NOTHING negative there. So, anyway, I'm guessing I'm going to have to give in and put in for unemployment which I don't feel really good about. But whatever, that's what it's there for, I suppose.

So, my life is filled with frustration. My orgasms are few and far between (like three whole days can go by!) and my sex life is nothing. Which isn't really a problem for me right now. Despite being jobless I feel like I don't have any TIME (thanks to my fucked up sleep schedule) and frankly, I don't feel like wading through scores of assholes looking for a decent guy to fuck. Searching for a sex partner I think of as worthy is not an easy thing for me as I go through whole weeks and months contacted solely by men who are clearly "special needs" when it comes to women. No thanks. It depresses me. I happen to KNOW there are many great, fuckable men out there. But not all that many of them are local, online, and into me.

Despite all the frustration, I'm somewhat less depressed than I was. For now. Getting a job... and hopefully it being a job I don't hate... will go a long, long way to putting me back on an even keel. And make me my blog a LOT more interesting....

Ha!

Turns out even though I left my piercing out for over 12 hours yesterday I was still able to get the stud back in (when I found it) with very minimal discomfort. It didn't even hurt. Oh, thank goodness. I took it out when I went to my job interview and when I came home and put it back in it was only slightly more uncomfortable. However, when I asked someone who deals with the public at that particular location to point me toward the person I was supposed to interview with... I saw that she has a labret. I figure if she's allowed to wear a very obvious metal labret I might be allowed to keep my tongue as it is. Score. I didn't ask, though. I wasn't really sure how to approach that question, yet.

Husband and I were in the car today and I whined to him about the fact that I miss so many of the men I used to talk to at the old store. Specifically, Sam. Husband asked me if I'd tried adultfriendfinder around here. Uh no, not really. The whole point is that I miss the pleasure of having a crush, a crush on a nice man who'd entertain my crush.. without... you know... ruining it with toooo much reality. It was okay that he didn't want me, too. I mean... maybe reality would have been as good as the fantasy... but unlikely. My fantasy of him was pretty amazing.....

So yeah, no men around like that for me right now... and it's SOOOO disappointing. You men of the world are going to have to do WAY better than that.

Note to Keith: dude. I emailed you. Again. There's a perfectly useable email address on the address bar of this web page if you've actually forgotten my address. Not to mention you should be able to leave me an offline message on yahoo!

Misery.

I suppose technically my blogger photo is a lie these days. I took out my tongue piercing this morning. I've been thinking about trying to put it back in just to see if I still can almost 12 hours later... but I can't find the damned stud. So... so much for that. I can't help but suspect it's part of the reason I'm still not having a job. So that's the lie. The photo. At least, now it is. *sigh*

I'm having a shitty, shitty life these days. I'm bitter and angry at my husband for making me come here instead of us continuing our lives the way they were. It suited me fine. Although I know he was miserable. But now I am miserable. This is not better.

I'm also really angry because I popped another tire today. And I couldn't just pop the fucker, I have to pop the side wall. This is the second tire sidewall I've popped since moving here. I've never, ever had a popped tire before. I'm grateful that the last time it happened I wasn't alone so I was able to learn how to change the tire and this particular problem set me back all of 15 minutes... but I busted my knuckle on the pavement... and of course I have to replace the mother fucking tire. Because NOTHING IN MY LIFE can be free. Or cost anything less than the price of full replacement, while I have no job. I'm so fucking pissed. The only thing that keeps me from being aggressively angry is that it's not the SAME tire. So eventually I'll buy a new set... tire by tire. I guess this means I have two more months until I replace another....

Also, I have an interview tomorrow at a place I have absolutely no desire to work doing something I have absolutely no desire to do in an area I have absolutely no desire to be. Great! Sign me up. It's funny how these jobs I couldn't give two shits about, I always come across great. The ones I really, really want... not so much. So of course, I'll go in calm and collected and give them whatever answers they want to hear and they'll probably hire me and I'll want to kill myself for the next several months. Or maybe they'll inexplicably NOT hire me and I'll continue to want to kill myself anyway.

I hate my life. I think I'm going to get drunk.

So tired...

Happily, we should be getting all of our household goods tomorrow. I'm so excited to have something other than the floor or a very uncomfortable stool to sit on again. And a bed. A real live bed. And dildos. Oh, it'll feel good to be filled up again.

I only kept my Betty's Barbell dildo because I figured it would be the least recognizable as a sex toy if anyone should happen across it. And of course because I accidentally left it out of my super-secret "sex toy" box the movers packed. A couple of days ago was the first time I used it since before we moved. Having something inside me again was... intense. Fucking awesome, really. I can't believe it'd been somewhere around 2 months since I'd experienced being fucked, even by an inanimate object. Needless to say I'm looking forward to hunting down my nice thick silicon dildos so my pussy has something to squeeze hard with it's orgasm.

Meanwhile, it's 6:30 in the morning and I've slept all of two hours. The movers should be here in about 5 hours... yeah... this isn't a good thing. Me being awake right now. However, it turns out we live right on the flight path of the local international airport as well as next to a big hill on a major arterial for the area, which hosts a surprising number of semi-tractor-trailer-jobbies. You know, the ones with the Jake brakes. Oh, and cars that don't have mufflers. And homies who don't have much left in the way of hearing. I can't believe how much I miss the military base.

Too much time on my hands.

Pondering

I switched to the new blogger. But ugh. I can't bring myself to do anything with it. I should, though. Really....

Meanwhile, I dropped Husband off at work and drove home thinking about The Ex. Actually, I drove home thinking about his kisses. Early in our "relationship" we spent a lot of time kissing. He was a really sexy, sensual guy who understood the value of long kisses and teasing foreplay. Kissing him once meant sex was on its way because I couldn't stop kissing him until he was inside me. His lips made me ache. I commented to him once that he and I shouldn't ever kiss unless we were planning on having sex because it was just too damned hard to stop. And we pretty much stuck to that one.

One night, a few days after he had told me was going to be monogamous with some new girl he kissed me a few times. On the cheek, mostly. But it was enough to raise the hairs on my neck, he turned me on so much. Those kisses were quick, perfunctory and very, very teasing. I told him to stop. We were supposed to be friends, nothing more. Eventually his mouth found mine and I started to respond... then stopped myself, "are you sure?" I asked. He smiled and said the thing with the other girl was over and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Turns out, he was breaking my heart in half. I still wonder if he knew it. But oh, his lips. That night... so many nights....

So tonight as I drove home I drifted back to my memories of his lips. And I found myself wondering if someday, these memories of great lovers will be my best company. Just memories....

Insane

Life is making me crazy. I cry all the time right now. I keep telling myself to focus on the positive and the future and stop dwelling on the present and on the crap going on... but it's awfully hard. Being out of work SUCKS. I lay down at night in this sick, numb state and everytime I try to relax enough to sleep I start crying. It's not good. It'll get better. It will....

I miss Martin. Now more than ever I wish I could sit down and talk to him and have him help me not be so scared. I look up to him in some ways. I could call but it's just not the same.

I miss Keith, too. Although I admit to myself my relationship with him has always been kind of weird. I mean, it was passionate and it had some real potential... but at the same time we delighted in admitting to one another that it'd never work out in the real world. But the sex... and the potential of the sex....

Orgasm

Last night husband and I started touching one another, getting a little frisky. Finally I turned on some really cheap, really bad porn. He took off his glasses and prepared to go to sleep. So I turned off that movie and found something a little more interesting. Watching these two people have sex I sat at the foot of the bed and masturbated while husband pretended to sleep, or whatever it was he was doing. I came silently, holding my breath, trying for complete stillness. After I came I watched the movie for a few more seconds and lay back on the bed, completely spent. I clicked off the tv and basked for a while. I mentioned to husband how pleasurable a good orgasm can be and he asked "you came?! You're subtle." Yeah, well, that was the goal. He didn't want to help out, he didn't get to enjoy it. End of story.

However, a few minutes later husband decided to masturbate and I helped him. Because I'm like that. I love orgasms. What can I say?