Friday, March 31, 2006

Weird Thing

Mason came in.  "I haven't seen you in a while," he said as he walked past.  When he finally came back I told him "I've been here.  You just haven't come to visit."  He was quiet for a second and said "I don't like where this is going" sounding kind of vague.  That certainly came out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, Sam was standing nearby.  Both Mason and Sam came in at the same time but Sam came through the line first and we talked a very wee bit.  I'm still kind of pissed off about the fact that he's been so reticent this week so I wasn't feeling very talkative.  So while he stood there as I was ringing up Mason I ignored him.  Because, what's the point?

All I can figure is Mason didn't like Sam watching us flirt.  I couldn't care less at this point.  Well, okay, I care.  It was kind of weird.  But what can I do?

Anyway.  It was just a very weird work moment.  Customers are very odd....

Thursday, March 30, 2006

A coupla things

So there's this one guy. Kinda cute. Comes into the store just about every day. He's amusing and mean in the same way I am. Sarcastic, but fun. I like him. The other day we had a long-ish conversation. It drifted from the frivolous to something vaguely more important. His job. He told me about the fact that he was accepted into one of the elite forces, passed the training. Etc. Not doing it now for a temporary medical condition.

I still find myself in a vague sense of disbelief about it. Him? Right. ...but... then again....

So now I find myself looking at him more. Appreciating his pretty blue eyes. The way he's already got crows feet around his eyes when he laughs.

Yeah. I'm trying to pretend his (former) career has nothing to do with it. But it does. I'm perhaps typical that way. However, to have the mental and physical stamina to be among the best of the best.... Well... that's fucking hot and it's hard to pretend it's not.

But I try to pretend not to have noticed. Because there's no reason to SEEM typical even if I am.

Meanwhile, Hawk came into the store twice yesterday. For some reason he started talking about lubricants which is pretty funny since I've been on a hunting expedition for a new one for a while and have been reading up on them. He said something about KY and I told him that KY sucks. So he brought up the KY warming liquid. Which also sucks. "why?" he asked. So I told him that I'd tried it and simply wasn't impressed so I had to go online and read some reviews to see if I was some sort of freak (which he thought was funny) and discovered most people aren't terribly impressed with it.

I started talking about some other lubes and mentioned that I'd just ordered a new one the other day. With silicon in it. Because it doesn't dry out at all.

"You and your husband must have some freaky sex," he told me. I stared at him but said nothing. While Hawk doesn't know my husband, he would surely know him on sight. And the last thing I want is for husband to be embarassed about his lack of sexual interest in me. Not EVERYONE needs to know I'm not getting fucked... like... ever.

This is at least the second time Hawk has commented on my sex life being far, far more interesting than it is. And I want to tell him "it's not! really! ...want to help me change that?" Except I'm not really THAT into him. I can't explain it even remotely (he's hot, he's really easy to talk to and get along with.... but I feel nothing). Besides, he's got a girlfriend and it's just so lame when people cheat on their girlfriends.....

Give it to me. Now.

The problem with having my period is that I get super horny. The problem with being super horny is I'm not really in much shape for sex when I'm on my period. The kind of fucking I crave is hard and deep... neither of which goes over very well during my period when the vaginal canal shortens.

The other problem? Even when I do manage to coax an orgasm out of myself (coax... ha... it's not so difficult to achieve given my amourous state) it's never satisfying. Unfortunately, most of my masturbatory sessions lately are done just before bed (late at night, to help me sleep) or just before going to work (to start my day in a high note). I'm generally fine with that, but this time of the month it leaves me wanting... needing more. A single orgasm whets my appetite. I want to cum two or three times. Right now, please.

Seriously. Right now. Please. Keith?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


I got a recent photograph of my mother from a relative, recently. I haven't seen her since I was about 13. When she didn't send me a birthday card or even call it broke my heart. That's when I knew I never wanted to see her again. Who forgets her own child's birthday so completely? I never heard from her again.

However, I have been recently staying vaguely in touch with the family via my uncle. Mostly, I resent that entire side of the family for so completely abandoning us. (When I got up to make breakfast after writing that last sentence it occured to me that they really did abandon us completely. If any of my foster brothers or sisters had children who were put into foster care I cannot imagine any of the others wouldn't choose to take responsibility for those children as quickly as possible. My mother's family... pretended we didn't exist.) So I rarely, if ever, share news of my life with him because I don't want it getting back to my mother or grandmother.

So my uncle sent me a recent photograph of my mother. I think she was around my age NOW when she had me. Which would make her about 55 (or a bit less, maybe). Looking at her photo I realized "that's me in another 25 years". Maybe not exactly. But close enough. She looks just like her mother and both my sister and I look just like her. And I find that fact disturbing. To so completely resemble someone I loathe.

Which means now I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm vain and I think I'm pretty... and yet I don't think she is. Or ever was. Other than just not thinking about it, I don't know how I'm supposed to hold on to what little ego I honestly have about my looks and know that I look like HER.

I'm frustrated. I feel the exact opposite of sexy. I want, mostly, to lay in bed and cry. Though I won't. I won't. Dammit.

Who knew one stupid photo could have such a terrible effect?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The chick.

No one really interesting came into work today. I ended up sitting down and eating lunch with this woman who comes into the store all the time with Wade. I don't talk too much about Wade anymore, I know, and therefore have probably never written anything about her. Anyway, she's older but young-spirited. Maybe not quite 40, I think. Rather a woman in her prime, if you ask me. Tattoos all over the place. I think the first time I talked to her I complimented her on one of her piercings. Over time we've talked just a bit more and I realized if she's not a lesbian she's clearly very bisexual. Never came on to me or anything, but a few things she's said has tipped me off.

Today as we ate she said something about her partner and something else about not being into men and that's where I became sure that she's not even remotely bisexual so much as straight up lesbian. And you know, it struck me that if there was any woman I would be with... this one was surely the type. Not that there's even the smallest chance that she and I would ever hook up. However, it's interesting to realize there is a woman that I'm even vaguely attracted to....

Anyway, that was kind of cool. Maybe it's a passing thing. But it's interesting....

There you go, Dane.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I think it's a bad sign that as soon as I returned from the salon I found myself pulling my hair back into a ponytail.

Thanks for deciding my morals for me.

This woman came into the store the other day. The store I don't like.

"I know you're not the manager or anything," she started.

I stared at her.

"...but I wanted to express my concern. You have all these young kids coming in here... most of them fresh out of Basic... and they line up at these registers. On this side you have condoms. On that side you have alcohol."

I continued to stare at her, waiting for her to get to the point and trying to convince myself that I was not hearing this.

"...and I just think it's way too tempting for them, don't you think?"

Too tempting? I stared at her, not answering. Finally, I said, "...I'll tell the manager what you said... but you can also write a customer comment if you'd like." Because I was SO not getting involved.

18 year olds (and older) fresh out of basic (sometimes) and she (because she's older) gets to decide their morality for them? I'm shocked and amazed. We have more customers than just the 18 year olds. People who buy the alocohol (and far too rarely) the condoms.

I spent the better part of the day trying to decide what she was saying, really. That we should put the condoms in a different aisle, perhaps? With the candy? The alcohol, too? Or maybe that we should put the condoms with the alcohol? Or that we should just not carry either. Nevermind that the store was there long before the 18 year olds were.

But above and beyond... I recognize that we have a national law that says if you're under 21 you can't drink in this country. Fine. But let's keep in mind that these 18 year olds have been deemed old enough to make the decision to VERY possibly DIE. Maybe they're old enough to make their own decisions about condoms and alcohol, eh?

And I just keep thinking "if having condoms means you're going to get laid... what the fuck am I doing wrong? I probably have 30 condoms around here and ALWAYS carry one with me, carefully protected from wear and harm in my purse. If only waving it about would mean that I would get automatically get laid....

Sunday, March 26, 2006

What's sexy?

I can tell you what's NOT sexy. My new found love of pork rinds. And the fact that I've been sitting in front of the season finale of The shield eating them and drinking my new favorite beer, Fraoch. It's not a new beer to me. I just realized it's probably my favorite. Here's to Scotland. And pigs.

And to weekends of sloth and gluttony.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Blah blah blah. I'm boring.

Hmm. I'm tired. But I often am. Hard to go to sleep last night, but of course I managed. Along with some "awake" time in the middle of the night. I hate awake time.

Yesterday Mason came in again. This time alone. But of course there was at least one other customer in the store. He did that thing where he kind of stared at me. In a way it's getting kind of creepy. He needs to figure a way to temper his stare with something less agressive. Or he can just go all the way the other direction and just fucking come on to me. You know, whatever.

No sign of anyone else really worth mentioning, I suppose.

I went to the gym again. As I was working out on the pull down machine (actually between sets) Hawk went walking past. He stopped and talked to me for a second. So, I mocked him for making fun of someone else's clothes and then wearing a shirt with a huge snag in the middle of the chest and some loose threads down the arm. "You're just not impressing me with that" I said. He explained about how what he'd been doing was the sort of thing to ruin clothes so he HAD to wear it and blah blah blah, as he demonstrated having to squeeze behind a machine to plug something in. I continued to mock him so he stopped and turned around, bending over in something of a football pose "how about if I show you THIS way..." I laughed as he looked at me over his shoulder, knowing he was showing me his very fine ass. He stood up as I looked away and giggled, shaking my head. He wandered away, then, amused with himself.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Mason, again.

Sam came in today. I got a funny feeling in my stomach. So handsome. For some reason, though, I saw him with less lust and more... reality. His flaws, for some reason, more clear. His hair seemed a little dull. His face a little more... angular. Something. I don't know. I was just more critical of him today than most days. I still think he's beautiful but somehow... he just seemed flawed. Which is how life is, I suppose. I talked to him a bit. Somehow the conversation ended with me feeling vaguely like an idiot. Like I should have kept my mouth shut and let him go on his way. I talked about... nothing, really. The gym. The amusing people in it. He... had not much to say. He told me "maybe next time I'll have more energy for conversation... as it is... I have to get going." I let him go. Whatever. Stupid me.

Mason came in, too. Behind him came another guy whom he apparently works with. Somehow it seemed like he had something to say to me. But couldn't. Because of the other guy. I'm not really sure what to make of it. He stood there, towering over me a little, gazing at me with his pretty blue eyes fringed with his thick, dark lashes a small smile on his face.

I still find myself looking at him, thinking soft, inviting thoughts. I won't come on to him. I simply won't persue him. But I will make myself as available as he'd like. Because... because it just seems like the thing to do. It's safe. Letting him come to me... well... it just seems right in this case, as in most.

I said something to both men about the fact that I was acting goofy, pointing to my energy drink. "I'm high." I told them. Mason smiled and told his friend "I've seen her without the substances. Under the influence?" I laughed, "Hey, I'm a nice drunk," I said. I considered going on. But not in front of his friend. He gave me another long look, still smiling slightly. His friend started talking about some coworker of theirs being drunk. He stood in front of me just a moment longer than he had to. As if torn between his coworker and myself. But he left, telling me he had to go hear the story. I laughed and told him "yes, then come back to me with all the gossip!"

I still haven't said his name, yet. I know it, now. Last time I saw him, I told him that when he showed me his ID I'd completely failed to even notice his damned name. I stared at him expectantly. He laughed at me. But said nothing. Eventually he told me. Frankly, Mason is a much better name.

I ended up watching a show about Freemasons on the Hitler channel tonight. Were it not for the whole "religious" thing (since apparently all members have to believe in a higher power) I'd have no problem with them, at this point. Although clubs of any sort... not really my scene anyway....

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Busy Day

Today I actually found myself staring at Hawk's ass as he ran on the treadmill. A first, really. I usually stare at his calves for some reason. His ass was lookin' mighty fine in his shorts, though. Good workout today, needless to say.

I saw Sam for all of two minutes but really didn't have time to talk to him. I think he was limping. I'll find out next time, if I remember. If I'm not as freakin' busy that day as I was today.... Today was INSANE. It was nice to see him, though. I could eat him up.

This morning I ran into Keith online. I was so pleased. It's been such a freakin' long time since he and I have chatted or had any kind of meaningful back and forth. It was good. Very good. More and more I accept that it's pretty well over between us. But unquestionably I will always want and wonder. I mean, literally. Always.

I miss him.

Eventually I'll get to my review of the Marie and Jack movie. I'll watch it again soon and hopefully be able to better express my thoughts on it. Keith and I talked about it for a minute this morning and I realized that I certainly need to watch it again. What a horrible chore. Not.

But I'm so tired.

My sex life is barren. I'm glad I have the gym to distract me. Without that I'd surely be a mess....

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Gym Time

I worked out again, today. This is becoming such a regular thing it's almost a non-event. However, running into Hawk or whomever else is interesting that day is always a lovely event worth mentioning.

I was on the elliptical for about 15 minutes of my hour-long workout when Hawk came walking in. I stared pointedly at him and he nodded at me as if to say "yes, I know" before wandering to the back of the room to do something to the windows. Then he joined me on the ellipticals taking the one next to me. We basically ignored each other since I had my headphones on, but it was nice having him nearby. I watched as he set the time limit to 30 minutes thinking "damn, I'll still have 15 minutes when he's done." So I kept watching his heartrate, pointedly. Mine was hovering at about 164, a reasonably hard pace I can keep going for the entire hour. He raised the resistance (mine was low) and went at least as fast as me... an his heartrate hovered around 129. Fucker.

Eventually, I took off my headphones and we started talking about the "clowns" who come into the gym and try very hard to hurt themselves with the weights. As we talked he did an extra five minutes on the elliptical. "I have ten more minutes," I told him. So he stayed and talked to me, standing nearby. "Do you want me to run?" he asked, smiling. "Sure," I said, "for about 8 minutes." He shook his head, "If I'm going to run it's going to be 15 minutes." It was my turn to shake my head "I'm NOT staying that long." So he talked to me for the remaining 8 minutes and then he waited for my clean my machine and we wandered into the weight room together where I made him give me a short tour. I like that guy.

After I got home husband and I had a long conversation as I re-discussed many of the things Hawk and I talked about. Suddenly husband says "if you want to go with the gym on me on Sunday, we can go." I stared at him, "..what?" "We can go to the gym together on Sunday. I can take you into the weight room and show you how to do stuff in there." I was mildly irritated about it and I told him as much "look, last time we went to the gym together you were all pissy because clearly you thought I was going to follow you around and bug you about how to do things, so I made it a POINT not to. Not that I was going to anyway. So NOW all of a sudden you WANT me to follow you around and ask you questions. WhatEVER." He stared at me, saying nothing so I added, "You're just jealous because I'm hanging around Hawk and you're all 'I'm cool, too.'" He continued to stare blandly at me so then I added "you know, considering how you acted last time and all the other times I've asked to go to the gym with you... seems to me you just don't know what you want." He continued to stare at me so I also added "Whatever. Now you're all mad." "I am not," he said.


We may go to the gym together on Sunday. But if we do, I certainly won't be following him around like he seems to suddenly want me to. I want to appreciate his offer, but I asked him for YEARS to workout with me and he always declined. Now all of a sudden this sistah be doin' it for herself and he wants in? Maybe he should have thought about that before. On the other hand, I do appreciate and value the fact that he's been very supportive of me in this and he's offering MORE support by offering to go with me on Sunday. Instead of resenting all the times he's told me "no" I suppose I should be grateful that he's had something of a change of heart and take advantage. The circumstances, though, are hard to overlook.

For the Record

I hate getting up at 0430 in the morning. No joke.

Monday, March 20, 2006


I'm pretty sure I'm grumpy from lack of sleep. I stayed up way too late last night, though I knew better. The fact that I'll be getting home from work/the gym about 8 hours before I have to get up for work tomorrow is NOT going to do anything for my mood tomorrow, either. I'm tempted to skip the gym just so I can get that extra sleep. Except I'm not convinced I'll be able to force myself to go to bed early tonight anyway. Guess we'll see how I feel when the time comes....

So, yeah, grumpy. I put the dogs outside because they were irritating me. I got up to let them back in and found myself staring at their cute, fuzzy faces. "You know, now I know why people have OUTDOOR dogs," I told them, and closed the door effectively acting as if I have no pets. Luckily, they hadn't actually wanted in and don't speak English so I don't feel too bad about it.

I had an orgasm about a half hour ago. "Could have been better," I found myself thinking, discontent. I can feel lube, both natural and not still oozing from my body and I find it irritating. Vaguely ticklish and itchy. Not sexy or gratifying. Just annoying as hell.

Two bloggers recently mentioned that they have PMS. Yeah, well. Bet I do, too.

Last night was the first night in a long-ass time since I've had the chance to do the back and forth e-mail thing with Keith. I essentially shut that down because of this mood that started last night. I woke up this morning thinking less than charitable thoughts about him. What'd he do to deserve that? Nothing. Really.

I'm just way fucking irritable. I'm going to go to work and hopefully I won't have to work with my religious coworker who likes to nitpick me. Because I'll be tempted to kick her ass. Hopefully my most annoying customers will have found something else to do besides annoy me. And only the good ones will show up. Like Sam. Except I'm kind of pissed at Sam for being a big flirt and also for disappearing for the last week, AGAIN. I refuse to count on him being there today.

So yeah. Grumpy. That's me. Now I go to work....

Sunday, March 19, 2006

A Short Review

I just watched Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story for the first time.

The short version of the review:


(more later)

I think...

that if I were single and making a decent amount of money... I would almost certainly be an avid collector of porn and sex toys. I would have any number of toys and various movies (some of them rough and twisted, some light and sweet). To the point where any bachelor would look at my collection and say "DAAAAAMN, girl...."

Saturday, March 18, 2006

For Want of Keith

Keith wrote to me again, a short message. Full of hidden meanings, maybe. I read a lot into it. Sent back my questions. I miss him. Almost every time I masturbate, everytime I think about sex, fucking, cock... he comes to mind. In brilliant color. Gloriously naked. My brain takes him from the first moment we met until he was naked and inside me, our eyes locked. Images burned so clearly in my brain.

We once talked about my dildo. About how he likes the idea of me having one molded from his cock. An intimate, sexy conversation. They sell kits, I think. And I need a new dildo. I could beg. How intense, personal, emotional would it be to have that singular part of him. Over the years these things wear out... I'd be hard pressed to throw it away, ever. Imaginings bring me thoughts of one molded out of stainless steel. Polished, shiny perfection based on him. All fantasy. But I have desires.

It floors me, my want and need of this man. It blows me away with the intensity.

Friday, March 17, 2006

A Day in Review

Mason (the married man) came in again today. Not once but twice. And we had long-ish conversations both times. More than a few seconds, I mean. He was leaving the second time and I said something like "you forgot to buy alcohol!" He looked up at my sharply, "you're right!" and went and picked something out. "I always try to encourage my customers in their vices," I told him. He thanked me for that.

"Are you old enough to drink?" I asked him teasingly. "Card me, please," he said. So I did. Now, a normal person would have looked at his name. I checked his rank e-6 and his birth year '68. Because I was curious. I regret not checking his name, now. I'll have to ask.

Not that I'm thinking about fucking him. That much. Just a little. Like if he asked, I'd totally say "yes." Although he's probably not all that good....

No sign of Sam. I asked Hawk if he'd seen Sam and he said he hadn't. Maybe he hurt himself again....

I ended up spending something like an hour and a half chatting with Hawk. I went to use the bike in the cardio room and he ended up standing around talking to me for my whole workout. And then we left for the main foyer together and ended up talking there for almost another hour. About all sorts of things. And while he's physically beautiful I continue to find myself thinking... nope... don't wanna fuck him... I mean I COULD.. but I don't.

Another of the cute gym-workers was kind of hanging around the area and I talked to him just a little, too. I think he's just adorable. I'd totally do him.

Lots of people I'd totally do. Yessir.

Anyway. I'm sure there was more excitment to my day than just that. But for now that's all I have to say.

I'm considering working hard to get a better tongue/nipple photo. I like the idea of that one but I'd like to take a better one. With better focus.... We'll see.


A version of the photo I sent Gnomie. Because you know... I like it.


is a bitch.

Yesterday I went outside to discover the landscapers have cut my climbing roses back to about a foot tall. My climbing roses. A foot tall. I fucking grew those canes for a reason, mother fuckers. I'm pretty pissed, although resigned. There's nothing to do done about it, now. However, I might go out and kick their asses. That is all.

I keep talking to this guy from the gym. Not Hawk. A different guy. One of the service members forced to work there for a specified amount of time. I think he must be around 22 or 23 Reasonably attractive, though not hot. I'm not in the market to jump his bones. However, he's very much the kind of guy you date/marry.

So yesterday we got to talking about his girlfriend. Who, it turns out, isn't really his girlfriend but more a girl who's a friend whom he WANTS to have as his girlfriend. And yes, she "sort of" knows he calls her his girlfriend... but they haven't had sex yet.

You see, this last came up when he told me he stayed up late the night before cleaning his room so she could come over. But then he mentioned that they were going to see a movie last night and why didn't the local theater have movies on after midnight? I put two and two together and commented on the fact that I knew way too much about his plans for the evening and his sex life, now.

He stared at me blankly then told me that was NOT what was going to happen that night. I finally discovered that she was actually coming over to his place during his lunch which is two hours long. "And you know two hours just isn't enough," he told me. He made several comments then about how he'd have to call work and make an excuse because there was no way he'd be done in time to get back to work and blah blah blah.

And so now... NOW I'm thinking about him in a very dirty sort of way....

Thursday, March 16, 2006


The married man came in today. We talked a little more than we have in the past. He's a nice guy in a nondescript sort of way. With pretty long-lashed eyes. Not hot. But he might have been once. Better than average, anyway. But not a head turner.

When he came in I asked him if he made it in the front door okay today. He smiled and told me "I've been very very nice to you. I'm so nice to you. And this is what you remember me for? The door?" I laughed at him but said nothing. We changed the subject. A few moments later he said something about the door, to which I responded "you've been so nice to me... and now all you can talk about is the door." He laughed at that.

As we were talking I happened to get a good look at his ring. A mason. Who knew?

Looking at that for a long moment I've immediately written him off. I have nothing for or against masons. Other than the fact that they're all religious/christian which just isn't the way I roll. But having seen his ring I think... no chance I'll fuck him. Either he's too religious/honorable to cheat on his wife or he's playing at being a mason and a christian but doing what he wants to do anyway, hypocritically. Neither appeals. So that's that.


Last night I went to bed with Keith on my mind. I was thinking about our two delightful nights together. I could see his face, again, in my mind. I remember walking into the hotel room and getting to see him in person for the first time. And then of course there was the feel of his cock.... Yeah. Good times.

Somehow, though, I ended up dreaming about the Gnome. Nothing sexual, oddly, despite how horny I was even just going to sleep. For some unknown reason I had a dream that he somehow did something to one of my credit cards. Something "nice" mind you. But entirely inappropriate. And I was completely weirded out by it. That was pretty much the whole dream.

When I woke up, of course, I was horny. I imagined what it would be like to be able to wake up on days like this and roll over to find a hard cock just waiting to be mounted. Okay, I admit chances of that happening in real life are somewhat few and far between. But, in my imaginings he was already, magically, hard and merely waiting for me to wake up enough to take advantage.

The gnome sprang to mind since he was doing such a good job of trying to seduce me yesterday. All in good, sexy fun of course. We really won't meet/fuck but the idea... oh, the idea. His name on my lips, I touched myself for a while. I rarely try to get off in those early morning masturbatory sessions and today was no different. I'll save that for later.

Boy oh boy do I need to get laid again. And well.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Nils came in today. He wandered into the store wearing a suit and tie. Totally decked out. I stared at him in shock... and desire. "What's going on?!?" I asked.

He told me that he got accepted to OCS today. "I knew I would," he said, apparently joking.

I stared at him dumbly. I know we had a conversation. Not a long one. I barely remember. He wandered through the store and it was all I could do to not stare at him. I had to wipe away my drool. Twice. And the thing is... I'm not kidding. I was literally drooling over him. Seriously. He looked fucking HOT.

I could tell he knew I'd been staring at him. I happened to glance at his tie, not quite as tight around his neck as it should have been. I wanted to laugh at that. Clearly he's not the stuffed suit sort. Plus, of course, he was done being dressed up. It would have been so sexy to see that tie off, the collar of his shirt opened to expose that bit of throat... maybe some chest hair.... Fuck. That's hot.

As I rang him up I did my best NOT to look at him. But I found myself drawn to do so. As soon as I moved my head though, he looked up at me. Clearly he was paying attention-- he wanted to see if I was checking him out, so I kept my eyes lowered. I was acting dumb enough as it was. Looking back, I'd probably take it back and check him out more openly. Let him see me checking him out. What've I got to lose at this point? Ah, well.

I asked him if he was leaving us and he said yes, for 14 weeks. Fuck. When I asked when he told me he has to pick a date. "But I'll come back and visit," he said. That's not enough to keep my lust for him alive. Fucker. I'm so disappointed. :-(

What up, G?

Recently I've somehow ended up with my blog linked to by not one, not two, but three different bloggers in the last few days. Score.

In gratitude (and with a great sense of guilt and duty) I bought a thing or two from the Comstock site. Obviously when movie(s) arrive I'll share my opinion.

I'm increasingly bitter about the tongue jewelry I bought elsewhere in which they say they'll notify me when my order has been shipped. That was 10 days ago. I expect things to go faster than that but I'll wait patiently until Monday. Then I'm going to get pissed.

I've been having much contact with my gnomish friend, G. OG. Original Gnome. Gnome Face Killah. Old Dirty Gnome. Doctor Gnome. Gnoma Gnome. He writes me very dirty, naughty things. I find myself increasingly attracted to him. Like, does he really have to be smart and funny AND sexy? The only reason I find this difficult is because of those three things coupled with the fact that he's married and despite how it may look (and boy oh boy does it look) he's not really in the market for an extramarital relationship. And even if he was I'd feel a major sense of guilt there were I to be the one to take him up on the offer. Except it's increasingly hard NOT to push and beg and wheedle.

Then again, maybe he's got more will power than I do. And maybe I overestimate my power when it comes to tempting men. But god damn does he tempt me.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

At the gym.

Hawk came into the store to buy something or other. I forget what. He made some bawdy joke about me handling the polish sausages. I stared blankly at him, not getting it at all. Finally I had to ask him "is that supposed to be sexual?" "Yes," he said. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"Last night I was searching for something. You know. And I saw like... huge ones. Like, real ones. They were huge. Like..." I gestured toward my knee "like HUGE. Those sausages? They're NOTHING." I thought about it for a long second and said "seriously, they were huge. Husband says the biggest one in the world belongs to a white guy but these guys... I mean... you can't even USE them, really. I mean... they're just that big. It's rediculous." He made some comment about how porn was their only work option, having that particular feature. "But seriously, I mean... well... they're just impossibly large. You can't... I mean... you KNOW what I mean. They're useless!" He agreed and we talked a bit more. But eventually he wandered back to work.

Later as I was working out, he made good on his promise and ran on the treadmill in front of me. The thing is, I don't REALLY find myself that attracted to him for some reason. A heavier guy got on a treadmill nearby and I spent more time looking at his ass. I guess I just like my men less firm than Hawk is. Not that I'm complaining about his firmness exactly. It's just so "other" to me. I'd get over it if I had him naked, to be sure....

I just wish I could get myself positioned conveniently behind Sam. *drool*

Mocking the Married Guy

The married guy came in again today. I'm sure this means I won't see him until the end of the week, again, if then. Damn him for only coming in once in a while. He spoke to me very softly, this time. I noticed his voice was especially gentle today. Caressing almost. Sexy.

He said my name three times, I think. Maybe it was only twice. He said it more than he needed to. I should have asked him his name. Maybe that was what he was waiting for me to do. I liked it. I liked that he knows my name.

I asked him how his trip was. He headed North for the weekend, he'd told me. "It was a trip," he said looking vaguely annoyed. But then he played it off. Maybe it wasn't so bad. A long drive... but it was a beautiful weekend, afterall. I found myself tempted to ask him if he got any. I bet he would have given me an answer similar to the ones my gnomish friend gives... something about it being sex... but duty sex more than fun. Something lackluster. I'd be happy to give him something more exciting.

He told me that he thought the front door was locked, someone had to let him in. I mocked him for not being able to open the door. He insisted it was locked. I grabbed my keys telling him "I really don't think I have a key to that door." He asked me if I enjoy keeping people off balance, as I'd been mocking him. I laughed at him, "Yes, I like my customers to be confused." I almost said "my men" maybe he saw the hesitation. We went outside. I stood there holding the door, "but if it's locked, I don't want to get locked out."

He opened the door and let me back inside. "I'll try opening it." The door closed. He pulled it open without a problem. He didn't have much to say after that. I laughed. Next time I'll ask him if he made it through the door okay.

I liked that little bit of extra contact. I like HIM. I don't like the married part. I'm willing to try to get over it....

Monday, March 13, 2006

My Amusement

I went to workout today despite an intense desire to stay home. It's my Sunday night. Who wants to work out on their Sunday night before work?! Alas, since I didn't get to go on Saturday or Sunday I felt it was my duty.

I went into the room with all the various cable/pulley machines where I live 1/3 of my gym life and was greeted by a woman wearing a variation on the outfit I was wearing. Same colors. Different style, slightly. Not funny. I think we must have been two of four women in the building and the only two women in that room and we happened to be, essentially, wearing the same damned thing. Luckily, I looked better in it than her because it's a competition, don't you know? So I left my hoodie on so it wasn't QUITE so obvious. I left that room and headed to the cardio room (where I spend the rest of my gym time)and everything was okay again.

While I was in there the gym manager came in to work out. I had a man on each side of me on the ellipticals (not guys I was digging, unfortunately) so he ended up further away. (It just struck me that the gym manager needs a name and is henceforth going to be known as Hawk). Last time he was on the ellipticals with me, Hawk stayed in his for about ten minutes before moving on to the treadmills in front of me. This time he stayed on the elliptical. I kept waiting for him to move because I was totally going to tell him to take one of the two in front of me, though there were others free. But he never fucking moved.

So I finished my workout and cleaned the machine. I stood there for a half second deciding whether to say anything before walking up to him. "You know, the ONE day I was really looking forward to having someone work out in front of me and you didn't move. What's your problem?"

He smiled hugely at me, "I ran yesterday. Look, I'll be running tomorrow."

I smiled back, "okay. I guess I'll be here." And started to walk away but saw him making some weird gesture so I turned back around.

He was pointing at his ass and mouthing "and I'll wear something tight."



There's this point I've come to dread in my sexual exploits. This one time when things go from great to... getting worse. And if you're a guy you're going to be so disappointed when I tell you. Because you see, the moment I know things are going to go from great to worse is the moment my lover takes off his pants.

You see, sex for me (and I hear for most women) is all about foreplay. When a man takes of his pants, foreplay is over and now it's time to play with the cock while he lays back and enjoys. I begrudge no man his turn at being pleasured. I'm happy to oblige. The problem is... as soon as the pants come off it's ALL about his pleasure. From then on. Oh, they might THINK it's mutual... but it's just not the same. Not usually.

A man who wants to see me be excited to get his pants off is a man who's going to remember that just because his cock is out doesn't mean it's the altar by which we must both take our pleasure. I will happily worship it all night, so long has he remembers to worship me with the rest of his body, too. He's going to use his cock for both of us... but keep in mind that cock alone is not the answer to all my prayers. No matter how generously endowed, no matter how well formed, cock cannot fulfill all my needs.

The man who keeps me excited, pants or not, is the man who takes the time out of his unadulterated joy of fucking and gives me a little extra joy with his mouth, with his fingers, even his very breath tickling my skin. It's the man who can figure out that while I crave cock and love to feel it inside me, also knows that cock just isn't enough for me. That sometimes cock needs to be tempered with more of that foreplay. Take a deep breath, step back and go back to the beginning for a minute or two or ten. And then fuck me some more. I want his entire body, his entire being devoted to MY pleasure... to OUR pleasure.

Be selfish. I encourage him. Demand my obediance in pleasuring him, too. But please don't forget there's a whole person attached to that pussy he's pounding. And when he's done being selfish it's time to let me be selfish, too. Until I'm done and not a moment before....

Replacing the Washer

This is me shopping for a new washing machine: "I want a whirlpool. What do you have in stock? This is the only one you have in stock? It's not the cheapest and it's not the duet? Perfect. I'll take one." That was as deep as the conversation got. Now it's sitting outside in the shiny red rental pick up waiting to be offloaded and brough into the house. Of course the old one needs to go, yet. But whatever.

I'm excited. I said I wanted the duet washer but finally changed my mind. Too many bad reviews. I'm a little sad because I really, really wanted one. I'll get over it, of course.

I was going to go get my hair cut this afternoon but I'm not seeing myself leaving the truck parked in the mall parking lot with my new washer hanging out in the back. Seems like a bad idea.

No hot guys to speak of for the entire trip. I'm so disappointed...

Sunday, March 12, 2006


I decided after what... 24 hours? to turn my AFF profile back on. I was bored. I need attention of some sort.

This guy e-mailed me there. He looks way suspiciously like one if the married hot guys at the party. Not the hot guy I was making eyes at. A different hot guy. One of the guys who didn't irritate me so much as made me think he COULD be irritating, if you get the difference.

Anyway, it's a little weird. But yes, these sorts of things are the reason I go back again and again....


I can't believe I didn't write about Sam on Friday. He came in and I experienced that same jolt of surprise and excitement I feel whenever he walks in. I'm sure he must see it in my face, because much as I try to look very calm and together it's those moments when he first comes in and I see him that are so unguarded. Especially Friday when I wasn't expecting him in so early.

He flashed me that smile he always gives me. He's got THE most amazing, sexy smile. The kind that gives him dimples and a twinkle in the eye. The one that says that maybe, just maybe, he's really happy to see me.

We didn't have too much to say to one another this time. I hadn't come up with any topics and he wasn't offering any. He told me that after he gets his tax return back he might go do something interesting. "Do, that," I told him, "And come back with a good story. Even if you don't DO anything that warrants a good story.. make one up!"

He laughed at me and told me that if he were 10 years younger... and in a foreign country he'd have good stories. I stared at him a second, because he's talked about those 10 years ago and being in foreign countries at the time. I finally said, "you saying you have some good stories you're not telling me?"

"I don't tell those anymore," he said. He rattled off a short list of places he's been, including Amsterdam.

"I've heard about that place," I said.

He smiled wickedly again. "Yes. Lots of getting drunk and picking up women. Or when I was really lucky... two women." I'm sure my face froze in a mixture of shock, amazement, and envy which probably just came out with me looking struck dumb. He headed for the door, then and said "that'll give you something to think about."

I laughed, then and said "wow, you know... you just totally changed the way I see you!" He smiled and left.

And the thing is, he DID give me something to think about. I haven't fucking STOPPED thinking about it. Three naked bodies writhing together. What happened there? Did the two women pleasure each other as much as him? Did they work together to tease and torment his body until he came? Did the two women virtually ignore one another? Did one woman drape herself across his back as he fucked the first, her tits pressed against his back, her mouth moving across his ear, neck, and shoulders rubbing her smooth skin against his own?

The more I think about it the more vivid the thoughts get. I stood in the shower this morning and envisioned him in the shower with those two girls.... was he porn star proficient, never hesistating to touch and taste and take what he wanted? Or did he hesistate... unsure of how to handle himself with these two willing women before him...

I was trying not to think of him that way. Naked. Hard. Sexy and sensual. Except... he put the damned idea in my head! So as I searched for porn I found myself drawn to the threesomes and wondering... did he do that? Or that? Did the girls do THAT?

I eventually forced myself to find something I found less captivating and more satisfying so I could get off. But it's been a veeeery long weekend with thoughts of a naked Sam in my head....


We spent the day at a friend's going away party. He's actually not leaving for a couple more weeks but it was a good time to do the deed. So we got together with about 10 of his other friends from work and hung out eating and chatting.

And oh my god, the men. The men were all lovely. Particularly this one guy. Beautiful blue eyes. Tall. Built. And he seemed NORMAL. Some of the other guys actually started to get on my nerves towards the end. We were the first ones to go home, partially because I was tired and partially because I just couldn't stand to listen to one of the cute guys talking ANYMORE.

But the one guy. So lovely. And I had to keep telling myself to STOP STARING at him. And he kept looking back at me. Clearly I was not his type. There's just no way, considering how ultra thin his wife is, despite her pregnancy. However, I just couldn't stop looking at him thinking how very lovely he was. And could he please STOP looking back at me when I was gazing longingly?

So, yeah. My husband works with hot guys. It's just too bad hotness doesn't automatically mean "wicked cool personality." Sam being the exception....

A few things.

We had a short talk. Things aren't resolved but I feel okay again. It's almost time to go to a going away party for one of his friends. Yay parties. Beeeeeeeer and meat. What more does a girl need?

Yesterday I made scrambled eggs with a little bit of Cabot Habanero cheese. Good stuff. Although really I tasted more hot than egg or cheese. That's fine. No big deal. I cut off a chunk of the cheese and tore it up with my fingers rather than slicing or grating it into the eggs. I'm lazy that way.

I went on to eat and play on the computer a bit. Good fun. Along the way I decided to masturbate. Turns out Habaneros are hot. Even much later. Thankfully, it was a tingly warm sensation more than a burning "oh my god make it end" one.

Later in the evening I flossed my teeth with Cool Mint Glide floss. Guess what I did a bit later? Yeah. Turns out that cool mint stays on the old fingers. Once again, a pleasant warming sensation more than painful burning. Thank god.

Clearly I need to wash my hands before I masturbate before something really traumatic happens.


I got up at 6am. Just to see if Keith was around. He was not. Well, okay, it was actually to let the dogs out. However, it worked out nicely for the whole "checking on things" part, too. I found it quite funny that after my last post during the approximately 6 hours between my post and getting up in the morning I had ZERO readers. Nice way to make me feel really invisible. Having readers matters. Having comments... not as much. But knowing someone's even passingly interested matters to me. So yeah. There was disappointment. Apparently, I'm spoiled.

Last night when I went to bed I took my time doing my bed time thing. Brushing my teeth for a long while. Actually, that was pretty much what I did last night to get ready for bed. But with the bathroom so close to the bedroom husband surely knew what I was doing. So when I came to bed singing "closing time" because it seemed like a good idea, I wasn't really prepared for husband to throw a fit. He was pissed. I crawled into bed and tried to remember the rest of the lyrics of the song as he continued his fit. "I'm TURNING it OFF," he said, bitchily, his breathing heavy, his movements sharp. I have no idea why he was mad. It's not like we don't have two TVs and the ability to move the PS2 up and down the stairs. It's not like the thing's glued next to the TV upstairs or anything. Hell, I'm the one that moved it up there so I could watch a movie when husband was hogging the downstairs TV last month.

With his game saved he went to the bathroom. I assumed he was going to come to bed, so I called the other dog who was not yet in bed. The thing is the four of us (the two dogs and the two humans) all have names (or nicknames) that end in a "i" sound and have two syllables. So when I called the dog, husband yelled "what?!?" from the bathroom. I listened for the dog but didn't hear him coming so I repeated calling him for both of their benefits and I heard husband curse in the bathroom (although at the time I wasn't sure if he'd said anything his next actions made it clear that I had heard him cursing). He apparently quickly finished what he was doing (though I didn't know it at the time) and came stomping out of the bathroom and into the bedroom just as the dog arrived. I proceeded to pet the dog and call him a good boy for coming. It was about that time husband probably figured out I had NOT been calling him.

With my two doggies, I rolled into my sleeping position and closed my eyes. I finally figured out at that moment that husband was not coming to bed but could hear him hovering behind me. "Could you turn off the light, please?" I asked.

"Don't you want a kiss?" he responded.

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but if he's going to act like a complete ass for the preceeding five minutes... no... no I don't fucking want a kiss. I want an apology and I want it to never happen again. However, in the entire time we've been married for the last (almost) seven years every night we've been together we've had our "tucking in" ritual wherein the last thing we do before either of us goes to bed is give the other a kiss. I can probably count on my fingers how many times we've been together and NOT done that. It's just what we DO.

So I told him "No." And he left, turning out the light.

This morning he'll get up. And he'll act as if nothing is wrong. (Or since, he'll be tired he'll wander around the house angry.)

He surely spends a lot of his time angry. But the whys of it are some sort of giant secret. Because I ask. All the time. And my asking only makes us both more angry. When I call him on his anger sometimes, he informs me that he's NOT angry. Recently after he'd sighed about something and been very curt, I asked why he was angry and he stomped off, offended and angry telling me "I just DON'T understand you."

He's not a violently angry man by any means. He throws his quiet little fits. Near as I can tell about NOTHING. I may be doing something which is actually annoying and actually pisses him off... but he'll never tell me. I think it took him years to tell me that when I called him a "liar" it pissed him off. I stared at him blankly when he told me that because never in my life have I actually thought he was a liar, about anything. Ever. I was teasing. Each and every time. I told him that and I could tell he felt really stupid about it. The few times I've mistakenly called him a liar since then I've been embarrassed and apologized immediately and he's laughed it off because now it's kind of funny to him and he's embarrassed that he ever took it seriously.

All I can figure is whatever it is NOW... it's merely a communications thing. Maybe he didn't like me being indirect in telling him to take his ass downstairs and let me get some sleep. Maybe he hates my singing (I wouldn't blame him). Maybe he was frustrated with the game and his anger spilled out onto me. Whatever the fuck it was, he won't tell me. So I get to spend my life walking around like I'm on fucking egg shells because god knows it's always a nice surprise to approach him and discover he's angry about... well... something.

Saturday, March 11, 2006


I don't dwell on depression too much, believe it or not. I spent far too much of my teen years living in that particular state. Medication helped. In my adult life I've been far more in control. I still ride the emotional roller coaster now and again, but for the most part I do okay. I'm usually pretty happy. Most of my discontent comes out here. So forgive.

I looked at yahoo to see if anyone was on. "Invisible to Everyone" it said. And I thought "yeah."

I'm a little concerned about my depression lately because generally speaking diet and exercise are supposed to go a long way toward improving one's mental health. My mental health has not improved even though I'm (quite joyfully, usually) working out 4-5 days a week at least 45 minutes each time (usually longer). I'm not quite sure why I don't have a handle on my emotions lately. But it's very annoying.

The fact that I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately is surely a big part of it. And of course dealing with the man I've come to loathe. Like I need that kind of stress. And of course all the rejection I've been feeling lately from all sides.

I know Keith's been online today. What he's done online I can't say. Maybe he only had two minutes or something. Except... you know... it feels like it happens a lot. He could get in touch with me if he wanted. And he just chooses not to. For whatever reason. And it pisses me off. Because I find it really painful to know he's making that choice to avoid me.

Okay, I'm going to NOT cry. I'm going to tell husband to find somewhere else to play his game than in bed or turn it off and I'm going to get some sleep. And in the morning I'll feel much less sad. I won't be as upset about not hearing from Keith. I won't care about being stood up twice in the last week and a half and having my Sunday plans canceled. I'll be back on semi-level ground tomorrow. And maybe my complete lack of a satisfying sex life won't matter so much either....


As we know I was mostly getting together with Troy in an effort to prove something. To myself. To the world. To him. Something.

And then he sent me a message to let me know something had come up and I would need to cancel the hotel reservation.

Why am I not surprised? His excuse is valid. I have no reason to doubt or resent his canceling the plans in so far as he goes. That's fine. I get it.

But from a personal point of view... What. The. Fuck.

I could not be more... ugh. Disappointed. Or depressed.

I really need to give up on men for a while.

But then I was thinking. DJ wanted to get us a cheap hotel room. I don't know what cheap hotel room is for him... but half a slightly more expensive hotel room might equal the same as a cheap one and I'm thinking going halfsies isn't a bad idea. It's not an "all the time" kind of thing. I really want an "all the time" kind of thing. But... fuck.... what's a girl to do?

Did I mention I turned off my profile on AFF? I was thinking I might as well turn it back on, because what do I have to lose by leaving it up? But... eh. I don't even feel like going through the excitement/disappointment over the quality of men expressing interest in me. It's much easier to just leave it alone for a while.

The other morning I took some photos of myself. I sent Keith one or two of my favorites, unannounced. And have heard nothing back. It could be he hasn't seen them. But how would I know? So I find myself hurt by it. Because I'm feeling very raw right now. He may very well have not seen the e-mail. Maybe it never even made it to him. But the not knowing is almost worse than knowing he saw them and is simply not responding. Actually, I'm not sure about that. So I keep finding ways to distract myself so I stop thinking about it. And him... because it sure doesn't feel like he's thinking about me. Which is FINE. Except... in my heart it's not so fine.

So. Yeah. Plans are canceled. And that's that, isn't it?

Friday, March 10, 2006

Hot Date

Seeing as Troy is leaving for good on Tuesday I decided we might as well get together for some less than stunning sex one last night. At least I'll be getting some. It's against my better judgement... but I dunno. I kind of feel like I might as well go for it. Not too much to lose. Plus, I'm totally nailing someone I shouldn't be and that's a certain amount of fun in and of itself.

I'm not getting my hopes up for anything spectacular, however.

On a side note, I'll be going with him to the same hotel I last saw Frank in. The scene of the crime, as it were. I would not find it funny if I found myself in the same room. Not that I'd remember it. However, the room will surely LOOK the same. Which should be... umm... interesting. In a way I'm not really a fan of. However, it's just a room.

I was considering how interesting it would be to stay in the same hotel Keith and I were in. Except it took me forever to remember the name of the place and would cost about an extra $40 which didn't seem worth it to me.

In fact, I told Troy that the price I was paying for the hotel (*I* was paying, I said) seemed excessive for the hour or less of sex I would actually get out of it. "Ouch," he said. "Hey, I'm trying to be realistic here. YOU have to get up the next day." So yeah. An hour. I'm thinking 1/2 that. Why am I doing this again?

"I'll try to make it better this time," he said. "Look, you can do whatever you want to do to me, and I'll just deal." Yeah. He said that.

"You sound just like my husband," I told him. "And now I'm SO fucking excited."

He apologized for saying that. But he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. I mean, how fucking hot is it for a guy to say "I'll just have to deal" when talking about sex with me? Thanks. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Obviously, I'm retarded for going to see this guy again. And for paying for it. But mostly, I'm kind of looking forward to just getting the fuck out of the house. And any fucking, right now, is better than none at all. So long as I cum I'll be reasonably satisfied....


So, when one of the gym workers comes in and asks me "are you coming in to work out tonight?" that totally means I'm in, right?  I'm cool, now?

Heading to work.

Oh man. I slept about 7 hour and woke up. The dog kept laying across my legs which is usually his very subtle way of waking me up and telling me he needs to go outside. I did my best to ignore him but finally got my ass out of bed and let both of them out. At 5am. I don't care for that sort of thing. I went back to bed and barely got my ass out of bed before 9. I wanted nothing more than to sleep until 10... but that'd give me a half hour to get out of the house and that's just not enough for me.

As I lay there I found myself horny again. I let my legs fall open as I rolled to my back. Much easier than trying to keep them closed since I worked out my inner thighs and they HURT. I started to reach down to soothe the more pleasurable ache but the dogs were up in my face and wanting attention and simply would't leave me in peace.

Husband came home a bit after that. He's gone now. I have time to masturbate, though I'm still at a loss as to what I'm going to wear to work today which has to take priority. Instead I'm sitting here writing this blog entry which isn't very entertaining at all.

I'm excited, though, because my schedule was changed so I'll be at the store I like (the store I'm supposed to be at for the next two weeks) working the shift I like. I'm in an extremely good moood about it. Hot guys. Maybe the married guy. Maybe Sam. I'm pleased. There's a hand full of guys I'd like to see today, any one of which would make it acceptably worthwhile to be there.

Let's hope they don't let me down....

Thursday, March 09, 2006


I'm seriously considering that I might need to change my damned blog name to semper asexualis. Because I'm way frustrated. I mean, if I look back on my sex life in the last couple of months I guess I've done okay for myself in so much as I've had some kind of sexual contact each month... but you know... not enough for me. Not what I want. And it's way fucking frustrating.

After several days of NOTHING I've decided to give up on AFF for now. It brings me people like Spencer who clearly aren't there to DO anything. Or Troy who's there to please himself and damn the women anyway. No thanks.

Of course there's poor DJ whom I blew off... and not in a way he'd like. If I persued that one a little harder I'd surely get an opportunity (again) to crawl into bed with him. But I can't help but be uninspired by the thought of yet another semi-one night stand. It's better than nothing but... but.... Just not enough for me.

Same thing with EB. I adore EB. But he's just not as readily available as I like a man to be. If I weren't so insecure I could surely manage some kind of regular sex with him, but I just don't handle rejection very well right now. Nevermind how happy I am to pass it out to others. So I don't want to hear "not tonight, honey, I have-" whatever. Not from anybody.

I keep looking at my husband with lust in my eyes, again. And I know better. I find myself curling my hands into balls rather than reach for him because I cannot handle the rejection anymore. I could do it. But I've spent enough nights crying about it in the last year that I just don't feel the need to put myself back in that situation. The fact that he never reaches for me anymore is a strong indication that my choices are right.

Which isn't to say he isn't physically affectionate. He wasn't, but he's improved. Sometimes he lays down with me for a few minutes when he comes home and I'm napping. Or he'll invite me to cuddle with him just before he goes to sleep. Sometimes he comes over and rubs my neck. It's something more than nothing. I appreciate it. But it's always on his terms. ALWAYS. It probably always will be, too.

Oh, and last time I got "talk" to Keith I told him I love him, as I always do. The truth, afterall. He told me something like "goodnight." Maybe I've held on too long to my dream that is him.

But god damn I ache. Inside and out.

I'm ashamed I didn't go to the gym today. We had a late dinner and it just didn't mesh. My legs are sore from working out yesterday and I swear to god I'll be going tomorrow. But I just feel like I've let myself down.

For the little pointy hatted dude.

Nimble fingers dancing across keys. I feel them on my flesh. No question you know your way around my body the way you know your keyboard. Days, months, years of study of the female form, of the female mind lends you erotic intuition.

Your tongue, your mouth, the hairs on your face tickling the sensitized skin of my breasts, my stomach, my thighs, leaving behind wet, hot, tingling trails.

I taste myself on your mouth. On your cock. I inhale my scent left behind on your body as you fill my mouth with your hardness. I suck your cock, ravenous. Cum for me. Let me taste all of you.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Can you believe it.

Spencer sent me some lame-ass excuse about taking too many tylenol pm's. What ever. I'm still bitter and angry about it. I gave it some thought today and decided that should I make the decision to continue to try to see him (and succeed and then start to see him more often) I'd surely end up regretting it because as Dr. Phil says (though I think he's not god, he gets it right now and again) the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So whatever. I'm done.

I ran into Nils at one of the gates today. I dropped husband off at work and as I was leaving I recognized him through the darkened glass of the booth. Yes, this is how much I long for the man. So when husband and I decided to go out to dinner (anything to make up for my disappointment over Spencer) I drove through that gate and said "hi" to him. Later on when I went back to the gym I made it a point to drive through the gate again and talk to him a few moments longer. Unfortunately, another car pulled up and I had to keep going. But it was so fucking nice to see him again.

Husband saw him and was NOT impressed. "He looks like that dispatcher guy from Super Troopers," he told me. Which surprised me because I really, really don't see the resemblence. But whatever. Husband added "I really had hoped you'd be talking about the OTHER guy, the one that checked our IDs..." because that guy is pretty cute... but really shy and I'm not into him. So, apparently overall husband was disappointed in my taste in men. However, I do still see the Bruce Willis thing in the guy. So I'm okay with it, anyway.

I did end up going to the gym, of course, since I was lacking in other more interesting forms of exercise. Namely, sex. Husband told me "you know, that burns a lot fewer calories than you think it does." To which I replied "maybe the way YOU do it...." Then we both laughed. I don't think I hurt his feelings with that one.

I added, "You know, the first month I was with The Ex I lost seven pounds." He asked if that was all sex to which I replied "well, no. He fed me a few times and we ate pretty healthy. Plus we were waaaay too busy to eat much anyway. But the sex was pretty athletic...." Which it was....

So now I'm wondering what a month with Keith would bring me. He's told me that if things between us are really good, again... if we get to see each other more than just the one time the second time he's going to buy me a collar. I'm vaguely confused as to what that means for him so I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Of course I'm miss submissive... but he tells me all the time about his desire to be topped and I've very much grown to appreciate the idea of topping him.. ordering him around and tying him up... whatever suits my fancy (and his). He's one of the very few guys I envision myself being really forward... really demanding... really... agressive with.... And I LIKE that.

Lastly, I finally got to see a photo of my gnomish fan. I've been communicating via e-mail with a fan of this blog (I know, hard to imagine someone liking my writing) which has been very amusing. He lives amazingly close by me but is married with a kid. And he takes all that shit seriously. Which I totally understand. It doesn't mean I LIKE it... but I GET it and I respect it, though I'd hate for him to know it. Although I guess he does, now. Damn. Anyway, he says it's not a very good photo but I'm impressed. If he's representative at all of my other readers I'm doing QUITE well for myself. I resent that the sexiest, most appealing guys around here are married or have girlfriends... and insist on being faithful. I mean, I get it. But I don't LIKE it.

So, yeah. Today was a bit of a bust. I'm tempted to go upstairs and try to force husband to make love to me... but I don't think I can handle yet another rejection tonight.

Oh, yeah. I heard from DJ again today, too. There was a small chance of getting together with him since Spencer flaked so completely and I wanted SOMEONE to make up for my crappy day. DJ was an EXCELLENT trade off. Especially since I've already seen him once. However, husband wanted to go to dinner at IHOP and we had the WORST service ever so after 45 minutes of waiting for our order we walked out and went elsewhere. Which ended up taking another 30 minutes beginning to end... and quick trip to the mall to buy me some extra workout clothes.... well... yeah... so I have to go to bed so I can get up in about 6 hours... so no chance of seeing DJ and I'm irritated about that, too. Because I was starting to look forward to it.

Bed calls, though....

Bitter tempered with Sugar.

No sign of Spencer, yet. I was expecting to hear from him hours ago. I've called twice. Left one really lame-ass message. Nothing back yet. I'm guessing he's over and done with. And if he's NOT... well... I'm over and done with him, I think. I try to be forgiving but I'm finding myself hard pressed. Considering how hard I've been working to keep myself busy (idle hands and all that) I find it irritating at best when my nefarious plots are foiled....

On the other hand, I did hear from Keith again. A very unsatisfying conversation. I crave him. Constantly. He told me he misses me. And I told him I miss him twice as much as he misses me. Something I fear is probably completely true. Which is vaguely depressing to me.

DJ came online today. Didn't get any real interest from him, either.

Ah, I'm just depressed a little, I guess.

Makes me think I really SHOULD just give up on men altogether.

But at least Keith is still around. Beautiful, sexy Keith....


Last night I apparently was very busy dreaming. Probably trying to make up for the last few near sleepless nights. Lots of dreams, being accused of stealing makeup... being unable to find the jewelry counter in a store... I even had a dream about Keith. Less interesting than one might hope, though.

In the dream Husband was flipping through the channels and some show was on that I made him stop for. Keith was on, talking about his love of a woman who lived very far from him and how he wanted to surprise her because she wasn't expecting to see him and blah blah blah. Except he wasn't talking about me.

The cameras followed him in his disguise (prosthetic face appliances and all) to the girl's desk at work where he revealed himself to her. Obviously she was surprised and excited. And I sat there watching, washed in heartache and jealousy. But with Husband my only witness I tried to keep my breathing normal, my face impassive. And thought "wow, this is the first time he's ever seen Keith. I wonder what he thinks...?"

The dream ended pretty quickly after that. Apparently it was enough for my brain to force me to witness their loving, happy reunion, knowing I'd never get to experience one of my own. At least I didn't wake up crying about it. I'm really grateful that in real life I won't have to witness anything like that because, as I discovered, it's hopelessly cruel.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Step Up

Later in the day the gym manager came into the store. Of course I had to bug him about something so I commented on the fact that he and this woman had been standing in the hall near my jacket and had blocked me from getting to my stuff. I stood there not three feet from them with me squarely in his line of vision... and he didn't move. Not one solitary inch. I finally squeezed past. So I commented on his lack of movement. "Well, I didn't want to be all up in her grill like this," he said, stepping toward me, deep into my personal space. I reflexively stepped back and mocked him some more. But I thought about it quite a bit.

Later at the gym I ran into him again and said something about "hey, I hope I didn't offend you when you stepped toward me and I stepped away like that." He asked me what I meant and I reminded him of earlier. "Oh, you mean like this?" he asked, stepping toward me again. And even though I promised myself I'd hold my ground I stepped back. AGAIN. I laughed then and said "hey, it's just a thing. I'm sorry."

Next time I think I might tell him that when a man steps toward me like that I have two choices, step toward him, too, or away. Generally speaking stepping away is the appropriate choice. Something like that. Whatever, I'll figure it out.

My married man came into the store, too. He's really got great eyes. Piercing. And a nice smile. He walked past me and I can't remember who spoke first but he said something to me. An attempt to say ANYTHING, obviously. It's nice to know I make someone as nervous as most guys make me. It's mutual.

Troy told me, today, that he likes that whenever I look at him he can see that I want to fuck him. Which, despite all appearances otherwise, is completely true. I think I look at my married man that way. If he looks, he'll certainly see my interest right there plain as the nose on my face. I don't try to be subtle. Maybe it'll go somewhere. There are worse things to do than to fuck some married Navy chief. Or whatever he is. Plus, I haven't slept with anyone in the navy and if I'm going to I might as well do it before we move....

Which brings me to Troy. He's leaving next week. Tonight he went on and on about how horny he is. I didn't really express an interest in taking care of his needs, although I didn't say I wouldn't either. He reminded me of the last time we were together and I told him that I'd been debating whether to go to the gym (the same thing I'd been debating about the last time we got together). "go to the gym," he told me. Not seeming pouty. Because apparently since he's leaving next week he has no interest in a last get together when he's horny? Yeah, I don't get him at ALL.

Spencer didn't really understand it, either. At least I'm not the only one confused by the crazy a-sexual men in my life. Spencer and I may still be getting together tomorrow. I think in a way we're both kind of apathetic about it. Which, in my opinion, tends to actually be a good thing when it comes to me meeting guys. Frank I wasn't excited to see at all and (other than the one bit of unpleasantness) he and I were quite good together. Even Keith I was more than a little apprehensive about seeing and look how THAT turned out?

So we'll see. We'll see.

Oh, I loathe him.

The man I've come to loathe hung up on me today.  I called to let someone at that store know some information that needed to be passed on to someone who would be there today.  I asked if anyone else was available and he asked who I was.  I replied with my name and he hung up.  Just like that.  Can you IMAGINE?

I sent a complaint about him to my manager.  The same woman I've informed of the other things going on.  No telling if she'll take action this time.  I'm seriously considered heading higher up the chain of command...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Always with the sleep.

So the big whore went to the gym again. I'm so freakin' tired, still. Even after my three hour nap. I sat on one of the machines and after using it for a set, rested there and nearly fell asleep with the ceiling fan turning the air into a swirling, warm breeze around me. Ceiling fans are the BEST. The hotel room Keith and I were in had one and looking back it was a surprisingly pleasant part of the whole experience with him. I shall someday have my own ceiling fan in the bedroom, dammit.

There was a guy in there using the kickback machine who had really massive calves. He wasn't a skinny boy by any means. Big, kind of sexy. Not the perfect eye candy, but I did appreciate the view. Unfortunately, I was trying to check out his ass since he was on a glute machine but his clothes were just too loose. I hate that.

Anyway. When I woke up from my nap I was incredibly horny again. For some reason several times today my mind drifted back to those two nights with Keith and I could envision some of what we did with stunning detail. When I woke up from my nap I touched myself, thinking about it again.

I didn't cum. Didn't even try, though I wanted some relief from the aching pressure inside. I fear that's an ache that's going to keep waiting for him no matter how many lovers I take or how much I search for a replacement.

Spencer was supposed to be back tonight. Said he'd probably be home about now but he's certainly not online. I'm disappointed as hell. I was looking forward to chatting with him tonight, too. Instead, it's well past my bedtime.

Tongue Bonanza!

So there's this guy. Who comes into the store I don't like. And it's not like I don't like him. I'm just not into him. He's funny. No sense of shame, apparently. Last time I saw him he kept talking about spanking my ass. My lack of positive response (other than a nervous giggle) wasn't enough to deter him. So he said it about four times and I laughed it off.

Today he came in and I teased him a little. Customer thing, nothing personal or sexual. But he clearly took it as an invitation that I recognized and liked talking to him. Which isn't entirely untrue. So he asked me how long I've had my tongue pierced. I thought about it for a long moment and couldn't remember when I actually had it done, so I told him four months. Which is more or less accurate. "So like... how does it feel?" I knew what he meant so I responded with "I don't know!" He smiled at that and said "well, obviously you've USED it." I agreed. "So?" he prodded.

I tried to decide how best to answer the question. "Umm.. some people really like it some people... not so much." He frowned at my response, "but I mean, YOU've tried it." Clearly, he didn't understand that I really was speaking from personal experience so I said, "Well, it makes me sound like a big whore but yes, some like it. Some don't really notice." I think he STILL didn't get that I was speaking from personal experience, though, because he still seemed disappointed in my answer.

"I'm not offending you with this am I?" he asked. I shook my head so he went on. "I'm just thinking you know if you're (he mouthed a word) is in someone's mouth... I mean... how do you NOT notice something like that?" I smiled and shook my head. "I've just never experienced one of those, yet," he told me, "So I was wondering." I smiled and nodded in understanding. "But now I have something to think about. To fantasize about today." I smiled again knowingly and he left.

It's really a shame he's not my type at all.

Anyway, it occurs to me that since I've gotten my tongue pierced I've gone down on Husband, Martin, Keith, Troy, and EB. And if I had my way, I'd add Sam, Nils, and the married guy from the other store to the list. Not to mention Spencer, maybe. And of course DJ. So you know... maybe I AM a big whore. But it's cool. No shame.

So tired.

You do not get much more tired than I am right now. You could not PAY someone to be more tired, really. Well, okay you could. But you wouldn't be able to pay them to be much more stupid than I am right now. I went back to bed for 15 minutes. As I reset my alarm I closed my eyes and then had a moment while I tried to figure out why I couldn't see the alarm clock anymore.

Luckily, I don't drive too far for work....

So yeah. Much tired. I'm at the store I don't really like today. I don't have to work with the guy I loathe (or if I do it's for maybe three hours... with another person there) so I can't complain too bitterly.

Here's to the hopes that there's eye candy. And that Troy shows up so I can check and see if he really is leaving this week. Except we're flat out of the one item he purchases from that store. So I probably won't get to talk to him. Hmm. Weird. I might not get to say goodbye. Ah, well.

Anyway. I get to finish getting ready for work. I have socks in the dryer. Few things are better than warm socks from the dryer.

Oh, and Spencer ought to be online tonight so maybe we can figure out the final plan for Wednesday.

God I'm boring this morning. It's the tired.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I'm horny.

I'm horny. I'm so fucking horny. I want cock. I want it inside me. I want you inside me. Pounding me hard. I want to feel your body slamming into mine. I want to ache from the feel of your cock thrusting inside me. Harder. Faster. More. NOW. And if you fucking stop... if you fucking stop. Before. I. Say. I'm going to be very, very angry. You'll pay with your mouth. Your tongue. Your fingers. You'll keep going until I'm done. You raised this desire in me. You fanned the flames. Now you're going to have to take care of it. And you WILL take care of it. You will. With that hard cock. With those fingers. That beautiful, amazing mouth of yours. Every inch of your body is going to be devoted to bringing me the pleasure you owe me. You're going to make good on the desire you put into me. You will.

Day's almost over...

What a day.  I feel awful.  I'm not sure why.  Just kind of icky.  Not getting sick, though, I think.

So here's my icky story of the day which was really an icky story from last week which I simply wasn't ready to tell before.  Last week I got a mild case of thrush.  Near as I can despite doing my best to keep my tongue piercing clean the jewelry just had too many nooks and crannies and was breeding me bacteria.  Having changed the jewelry to something very plain, the infection has magically gone away.  However, you know, that's really kind of nasty.  So there's a lovely side effect of tongue piercing and jewelry.

A while back i was reading my old journal (the one before the current) which held a lot of the mundane stuff about my life.  I used to write about some of the weird customers who would come in.  I still kind of do.

Today a man came in and purchased some stuff and then wandered over to the magazines.  He started looking at some of the more risqué ones, and then started talking to me about them.

 "Taste some of the most beautiful women in the world?" he said. 

"What?  Where?" I asked.  He showd me.  "Hmm.  Look.  Don't start licking the pages, okay?  At least not in the store.  Do whatever you want at home."

He smiled and began to flip through, "Naw, I won't start licking the pages.  Wouldn't do anything for me.  Or her, either.  If I'm gonna lick it's going to be the real thing."

"I'm reasonably sure they're not offering that," I told him.  I thought about it for a moment and laughed, "you know, maybe it's like scratch and sniff."

"Ah, but if i'm going to scratch it's gonna be the real thing."

I tried to look horrified, "don't scratch!"

"Well, no I'd rub.  Much rather rub."

At which point I kind of wandered away.  A few minutes later he was still there.  And started talking to me again.

"You know, what's the point of a thong anyway?  This girl's wearing a thong and you know it's all hangin' out anyway.  Why have that little piece of fabric anyway?" 

I stared at him.

"Cuz you know, I hear about the panty lines but we men be lookin' for them.  And if you ain't got any we be thinkin' you ain't wearing no drawers."  And yes, he did just suddenly start talking that way out of the blue, perhaps trying to up his street cred while in uniform.  "So why wear 'em?"

I continued to stare at him saying nothing for a second before saying "You know... I'm not sure I feel comfortable answering that question for you.  But you know... at least you feel like you're still wearing underwear."

He brought over the magazine and showed me, "see?  It's all hanging out.  And you know we be looking RIGHT there if you dont' have that crease.  No underwear."

And it got me to wondering whether he was looking for a crease on my pants.  Because I do have one... just not where he was pointing.  At which point I wasn't really sure I wanted him to think about my underwear at all.

He eventually left.  But it was really weird.  Out of the blue.  Maybe he's lonely. 

Meanwhile this hot young marine (I believe he's a marine he wasn't in uniform but I seem to remember him being a marine) came in and left.  Hypermasculine  little hottie with his cologne.  I can still smell him.  Delicious.


It's way fucking cold out right now. I can tell because the ground is frosted. I opened the door to let the dogs out and did not enjoy the blast of cool air I got in return. It's mornings like these that I feel like crawling back into bed, snug under the covers and going back to sleep. Days when I want a warm body wrapped around me to return all the heat I lost getting out of bed in the first place.

Instead I get to go to work.

I have sore muscles. Less sore than they were even just last night, but sore none the less. Last night I whined and husband rubbed my back and arms for me a little. It felt good to be touched. He touched me some the other day, too. As we lay in bed having our "goodnight" talk before he went to sleep and I headed back downstairs. His hands wandered slowly over my body across my breasts and down between my legs to caress for a moment. I stretched out in front of him, spreading my legs a little to give him better access. He watched my face intently. I don't think my expression changed. I think I started talking about something. He stopped, then, and didn't reach for me again.

I'm not sure if that was his way of trying to initiate something or if he was merely trying to give me what it is I crave... in his half-assed way. As I've mentioned, I've totally given up on all thought that I will have him inside me again. If he wants me, he'll have to come to me completely and totally because I'm completely done going to him. And sometimes, even when I'm horny, I'm not sure I want him coming to me anymore. When he touched me like that the other night I probably would have happily gone along with anything he suggested. But I wasn't going to encourage things.

So then I guess the next question is... how many years of this am I going to put up with?

Seems pretty fucking cold inside the house, right now, too.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Short one.

UFC's on. I'm so tired. And I work tomorrow. Fuck.

I heard from Keith. He's apparently legitamately busy. Which is kind of what I figured. Except I still miss him horribly and resent not knowing what's going on, regardless of the fact that I have no right to resent anything. It is what it is. I miss him.

I also heard from Spencer. He had a pretty acceptable reason to have flaked on me. Not that it was okay, but I GET it. I know I'm in no way important to him at this point so I'm not trying to take it personally. However, it still irritates me that good reason or NOT he could have let me know what was going on. I'm trying to convince myself that this is NOT a strong warning as to how he will be in the future toward me if things go as well as I keep hoping. So we're re-planning for Wednesday.

He teased me and told me since I would be used to getting up at 6 am I should do so on Wednesday and come over and crawl into bed with him and then we could sleep until 10. Of course, he was teasing. But even knowing that I couldn't help but entertain the thought. Because the assumption would be that I'd get the cuddling and affection that I crave, even in my sleep. And then to wake up next to someone who wants me.... Oh, delight. Yes, it sounds like a lovely idea. Not something I'll do, of course. But a delightful thought anyway which earned some sweet fantasy time.

What will happen? Hard to say. We'll probably make more final plans on Monday or Tuesday and see what we come up with. I'd prefer going over Tuesday night, actually...and seeing where the night takes us. But I think he's got Wednesday on his mind and I'm okay with that. Maybe I'll ask.

Will the curse be broken? So far... not so much... but....

Hopefully I'll be able to displace all my lust onto Spencer that I've been feeling toward... well... a lot of guys. Hopefully he'll inspire enough of my lust on his own that I'll really WANT to do that. No telling at this point. I might be putting too many eggs into that basket. But the hope is there. Such hope.

I just gotta stop thinking about Keith. My god I miss that man.


I woke up first thing with a headache. So of course I went back to sleep. I woke up again and felt WAY better. Thank god. Although I got up for about an hour and told husband that I was definately going to need a nap if I was going to stay up for UFC tonight. "Me, too" he said. He was quiet a moment and said, "Well... I'm going to bed. You can come, too, if you'd like." So I ate a small snack because I was really hungry and went to bed with him. To sleep, of course.

That's where he remains. Meanwhile... I have a minor headache again. Nothing too bothersome, really. It'll go away, I'm sure. But vaguely annoying.

Spencer and I were supposed to get together this weekend. Today, actually. We talked about it a little but made no firm plans. Last night he wasn't online to make those more firm plans with. So I sent him a text message. And got nothing back. He's still not online today. So... what... he's dead now? Well, maybe he's dead to me anyway. There is NOTHING I find less forgivable than someone who stands me up. It's not often I make plans... but you may have noticed that in fact I HAVE been allowing myself to become rather busy with the gym and other concerns of late. Therefore, now more than ever if I make the decision to clear my schedule for you... well... it's really extremely irritating for you to NOT take advantage of it.

So, yeah. I'm irritated. But then I always knew there was a curse to the ol' blog. That's what I get for writing about him with hope in my voice and giving him a nickname. I should have known better. But god damn am I irritated.

Can I be UN-irritated about it? Yes. Of course. But for right now? Much irritation.

EB was online last night and I talked to him for about two minutes. Apparently he was busy and important. Fine. I didn't want to see him anyway. But... you know... umm... maybe a little. He could have at least... I dunno. I guess I feel a little weird about my desire for him, again. It's like as a friends with benefits couple we're awesome. It's just... I'm not really sure how to BE in that situation even though it's pretty exactly what I want. But see, mostly I don't worry about it or get hurt feelings about anything when it comes to him. So maybe I do better in that situation than I give myself credit for.

Anyway. I was thinking about going to the gym but would have prefered to do that before noon, if I was going. At this point I kind of feel it'd just be too busy for my tastes.

At least UFC's on tonight.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Oh Keith and other things.

It's been days. Days and days since I've heard from him. No sign. Nothing. Just... poof... gone. I let it go. I can't stalk the poor man. No matter how important he is to me I simply can't pretend I own him. I have to let him have his own life. I don't want to be clingy.

But my god it's been one of the hardest things, ever, to deal with. I had no idea. Part of me accepts that he's too busy to pay attention to me. The rest of me has been horribly, bitterly sad and lonely. ... I think I need him.

I talked to my coworker about going overseas at some point. I have the opportunity to go overseas basically doing the same thing I'm doing now but in a delighful place where there are few women and many, many horny men. This does NOT strike me as a bad idea. Especially if I continue to lose weight. Oh my. I've wanted to go do this thing for a couple of years but have felt like my life holds me back from doing so. But once we move back home... well... there are fewer restrictions on me because I'd feel less guilt about leaving husband alone.

I bring this up because Keith has talked about going to the desert and some part of me has romantic visions of getting to be there with him.

Or maybe this is something I could just do alone. Because... well... maybe it's something I need to do for myself. To have this experience of being so far from home, alone somewhere foreign. Really live a different life for 6 months or a year.

Anyway. I miss him. And I'm kind of embarrassed how very much I miss him. But I do. And I shouldn't. I mean... things have to be in perspective.

Also, husband and I both read Savage Love religiously. Of late, there have been several articles mentioning couples which have very different sex drives. Not to mention the phrase "dump the mother fucker already." I said something to husband, tonight, about that. He asked me which mother fucker I was talking about. I touched his face and smiled tenderly.

We're getting to the point where we really should think about buying a new car. If we do, we'll surely have to make payments on it for at least a year. Probably two. The only reason I'm not more strongly suggesting we go that route... I'm just not convinced we should be engaging in any long term financial contracts together. I don't think he knows these things are really, seriously in my thoughts. I don't usually even acknowledge them to myself. Because I'm scared. Really scared.

Who knows what's going to happen?

Anyway. I guess I'm just venting. Always with the venting.

Good and Not So Good.

Part of the reason I enjoy working Fridays is the fact that most people are more relaxed and have a little more time to stand around and socialize.  The attitudes are everything, especially here where everyone works their 40+ hour jobs in their uniforms.  Friday afternoons they get to start letting loose a little and it's great fun to get to be here to witness it.

The gym manager came in and ended up spending at least a half hour, probably closer to 45 minutes just talking with me.  He told me all sorts of stories from his younger days and just kept me laughing the whole time.

Except while we were talking Sam came.  And left.  As soon as I was sure he was gone I threw a fit at the gym manager for talking to so much.  "I love him!" I told him.  "And you kept talking so he LEFT.  I hate you I hate you."  He laughed at me, "I know him... how old is he!?"  So, I told him and he told me "wow, I thought he was older."  Which I guess I might have thought so, too, at one point but... not really.  Apparently the manager wanted to add about another 7 years to his age.  Which is maybe what I was guessing.  But hell, dude's kind of timeless.  Chances are good he'll look like he does now when he's 7 years older.  My point is he's god damned good looking and I don't care what anyone else says.

Oh, and I told the gym manager that in the future he is forbidden to workout next to me because I find it messes up my heart rate.  He seemed to think that was pretty funny.  I think it was that bit of honesty that kept him in here talking to me for the next half hour....  Men like to be admired as much as women, apparently.  Maybe that's why Sam sticks around.

I also ended up having a long conversation with a cute boy who works in the gym doing some of the grunt work they require there.   Long conversation.  That was nice, too.

You know it really sucks that I probably won't see Sam again for another 9 days or more....