With our affection finally out in the open, between us, we've been more free to share our lives with one another. DB has become an important fixture, though the relationship is turning out to be a bit of a mine field. Neither of us know how to actually connect with one another the way we should be able to. There are misunderstandings and fear throughout.
Meanwhile, I still have a husband. The marriage is becoming increasingly strained, of course. Not because of DB but because of my realization that "at my age" I should probably make a decision whether I want to spend the next 20 years in the same sexless relationship I'm in now. That's a big question and one I'm taking to a therapist to discuss.
It's funny how this question came up so many years ago. "Leave him" people told me (online). This won't get better. Well, they weren't wrong.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Saturday, July 07, 2018
So much has happened
Now that DB is back in my life things have become a bit different. He's continued to threaten to leave me, but with less vigor than before. I forget if it was the first time we were together or perhaps the second. I was on top of him, perhaps partially clothed, kissing him like my life depended on it. Like I knew he was going to leave and I had to make sure he knew what a bad idea it would be. Like my kisses could show him how I felt and put everything on the table without words.
We talked between deep kisses and I don't remember how it happened but he told me "say it." I looked at him surprised and only somewhat confused. "Say it," he said again. I looked deep into his eyes and I knew what he wanted.
But I couldn't do it. I shook my head and told him "No."
"Say it" he repeated.
"No!" I told him no emphatically, "I won't say it! It serves no purpose. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."
Derek stared at me, not saying anything, his face impassive. "Say it." He said, yet again.
I felt the tears starting to well in my eyes. "Why would you make me say it? It will only make you leaving me hurt so much more." I paused for a moment and said "You know, fine.... I love you." And then I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.
"I love you, too" He whispered and kissed me again.
We talked between deep kisses and I don't remember how it happened but he told me "say it." I looked at him surprised and only somewhat confused. "Say it," he said again. I looked deep into his eyes and I knew what he wanted.
But I couldn't do it. I shook my head and told him "No."
"Say it" he repeated.
"No!" I told him no emphatically, "I won't say it! It serves no purpose. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."
Derek stared at me, not saying anything, his face impassive. "Say it." He said, yet again.
I felt the tears starting to well in my eyes. "Why would you make me say it? It will only make you leaving me hurt so much more." I paused for a moment and said "You know, fine.... I love you." And then I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.
"I love you, too" He whispered and kissed me again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)