Monday, January 31, 2005

SitC

I was watching an episode of Sex in the City On Demand tonight. I'm so addicted to that show. In this particular episode the girls were chatting about bad kissers and I laughed my ass off as they described a couple of guys I've met. Most specifically the guy who stuck his tongue in my mouth and let it lay there like a dead fish. WTF is that about? When I finally got tired of trying to get him to kiss me back he asked "what's the matter, don't you like to kiss?" I mean... wtf... was that kissing? That wasn't kissing. I chose not to sleep with him because of that kiss and apparently the characters (and writers) on the show agreed with that choice.

Meanwhile, on to a more serious topic. I've slept with Frank a large number of times. Not just once or twice. He's been the ONLY guy I've seen regularly since I started sleeping around again. And while I'm really still not happy with what happened, I also understand that there was a certain amount of miscommunication there. I believe earlier in the evening I was teasing him with some "no"s which I really didn't mean. Now, of course it would have been correct for him to stop when I said no whether I really meant it or not... but he didn't because he knew I didn't mean it. After teasing him about my ass at least twice in the evening I can't say that he ought to have realised that these no's were more serious.

At the time I was heartbroken over the whole thing. Looking back, I see mistakes were made on both sides and I simply don't blame him as fully as I could. When I re-examine my feelings from that night I find it's not a particularly tender subject. I mean, if and when he talks to me again it's going to be awkward and difficult to break things off but I feel the misstep is the straw that broke the camels back. I've seen other flaws which to this point I've overlooked... but now I'm done overlooking them. The sum total says "stay away." And so I shall.

He didn't rape me, he really didn't even TRY to rape me. He did, however, overstep a boundry and break my trust. Therefore, I'm vaguely wounded by his actions but not scarred. Or scared, for that matter.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Buzz buzz...

I just had one of those delicious orgasms that I manage every so often using my vibrator. I don't take off my pants or touch myself. I just let my vibe do it's job... wiggling my hips and changing the speed as neccessary. When I came I cried out. There was a time you couldn't PRY an orgasmic sound from my lips. Now, apparently I can't hold back.

And now I'm sitting here with my pussy too numb AND sensitive to be of much use. I can feel the internal muscles twitch now and again with the odd aftershocks of a hitatchi-orgasm. I love those pure vibration-induced orgasms and the way I feel afterward. I love the tingling, twitching, sensitive-numbness that spreads across the area.

Part Trois

While we ate, I decided to do a little drinking. Frank knew I wanted to have sex with him with a little something in me. But, obviously he doesn't hang around drunk people that often or something because while I was fully drunk he watched TV... talked to friends on the phone... and played with his computer. I stayed pretty freakin' drunk for a while but finally gave up. He sat and showed me pictures of his family and house and girlfriend which was interesting at first... and then became somewhat boring... and then became irritating when I told him I was tired and done looking at pictures and he kept saying "but you just have to see...." I finally drew the line and crawled into bed.

He joined me and I got up to do something or other. I was still just barely drunk enough to feel fairly free. I crawled over his body and started teasing him for a while. I sucked his cock into my mouth and kept it there for a good long time, meeting his eyes as I teased and tasted it. He got incredibly hard and it was very gratifying. He began talking about having a threesome while someone else fucked me from behind. Then said something about having three men to take care of ALL my holes. I drew back and told him my ass was only for him then went back to playing.

Finally, he slid inside me. The sex was pretty fucking awesome but mostly I was in no position to masturbate. I told him to fuck me from behind and it wasn't long before he had me in one of the most interesting and pleasurable positions he's taught me (which no one else has actually tried to duplicate) involving me being on my stomach with his legs around the outside of mine, cock deep inside me. Feels great. He fucked me that way for a while before he began fingering my ass. I let it go on, not really loving it but not hating it. There was some pain but not too much. "My thumb's all the way inside" he said. I shrugged it off, " I don't believe you." "Why not?" he asked. "Because... I can just tell" I told him. However, looking back... it probably WAS inside me.

And then he tried putting his cock in. The first real pain occured in that moment and I said "no... it hurts." He didn't move "I just timed it wrong" he said, pushing inside me again. I whined "no" but I could still feel him inside me, trying to go deeper. And then I started crying. I REALLY didn't want this. After a moment he noticed, "are you CRYING?" he asked. I nodded and he pulled out. "we'll stop," he said (or something like it) and went to the bathroom to clean up. When he finally returned he said "it wasn't messy...." But meanwhile I was bawling.

I cannot express how utterly devistated I was by the fact that I said no... TWICE and he ignored me. I lay there thinking that I was a stupid stupid fool and that he could very well have proceeded to rape my ass because I wasn't forceful enough. Of course, I'd said no... but had I actually moved to get away, I could have. Instead I lay there and gave up. I was also thinking "if I'd EXPECTED it I could have handled it, if only I'd known he was going to hurt me...." It hurt. A lot. And yet, I remember my first lover hurting me a lot with anal... and somehow I managed to bite my tongue hard enough to let him get his pleasure on my body. Which then led me to thinking how very victim-like of me to be thinking the way I was. Which just led to more crying.

Obviously sex was out of the question.

I lay there, Frank trying hard to comfort me... asking me to talk to him. But I couldn't because I knew I'd say some very hateful things which weren't entirely true. Or maybe were... but I hadn't decided yet. In that moment. I got up, deciding it was time for me to go home. Fuck spending the night I wanted my dogs and my husband. Instead, I put away a few things and sat back down to cry.

Eventually, I went back to bed and he asked me if I was okay. "I will be," was all I could answer. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, but I couldn't give him a better answer. He fell asleep for a while then, and I whispered all the hateful, angry things that I wanted to say to him while he was concious but couldn't bring myself to. Satisfied with that, I woke him up and explained how upset I was and basically why. I didn't point out that I'd said no TWICE and been ignored which REALLY upset me. I merely told him that I hadn't expected HIM to hurt me. And he had. I figured that pretty much covered the entire thing.

Eventually, I lay back down with him. Still angry and cautious but in need of comforting, even if it was from the man I least wanted to be with in that moment. I told him he owed me an orgasm and we had sex. The sex lasted an hour and I tried hard to cum the entire time. I was angry and frustrated knowing that most of the reason I wasn't cumming was because I was with HIM. The entire time he was in me, he talked. I tuned him out, giving my own running commentary just out of his hearing range. I finally got up to pee and when I returned knew it was time to get off. He was done being punished for the moment and I was done punishing myself by not cumming. I knelt on the bed, him standing behind me on the floor and that is how I came. And came really hard. He came (or faked it) and we went to sleep.

In the morning, he was in a rush. We showered quickly together and then grabbed breakfast and left by the time I'd normally be getting up for work.

I haven't heard from him since (he's been at home this entire time which makes him pretty incommunicative). I can't help but suspect he's been reading the blog, though, wondering what I'd write about the experience. Which makes talking about the entire thing somewhat awkward. I feel nothing assured... but I sincerely doubt I'll ever see him again. I don't BLAME him for what he did (or didn't stop doing) but at the same time, I finally told my husband (in tears) what happened in order to get a second opinion and I suspect if I now told him "I'm off to fuck Frank!" he'd probably call me a mental health professional.

I remain heart broken over the fact that he hurt me, compounded by the fact that my ass bled for two days (not spontaneously... but when used appropriately). This did not amuse me. Or make me less resentful.

I wanted to retreat into my shell. But then there's this guy....

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Part Deux

After we went down to the restraunt we picked out our food. We decided to eat in our room and Frank decided to come down and pick it up rather than paying the room service fee. Until then, we headed back to the room.

He insisted I get naked and then joined me in bed. We kissed some and then went back to sex. This time, I was somewhat more relaxed. I was glad to be touched and responded more to him, and touched him, too. We fucked for a good 20 or 30 minutes before I finally rubbed my clit and came. It was... actually it wasn't anything to write home about. The sex was nice but the orgasm was a terrible disappointment. Shortly afterward, Frank came, too.

About that time we were noticing food was taking it's time about being done and the phone rang.

Ah, food.

Part Une.

So here's the set up. I arrive at the hotel freaked the fuck out, lots of adreneline. The 2nd near crash having been enough to get my blood pumping. We go up to the room and after a moment or two I sit down with some crocheting (I was on a schedule to get the piece done) in order to do something rather mindless and constructive to calm down. Obviously Frank was not amused. "You really don't understand how freaked out and stressed out I am right now," I told him.

I lay on the bed, and his hands found my back, rubbing then kneeding. I concentrated on that. "I'll do this while I'm pounding you," he said. I laughed, considering. Finally he told me, "don't worry... I'm going to work the stress out of you." I rolled over and we talked about what to do for dinner. Finally, he moved over me, his fingers grasping the edge of my shirt. He looked down it to check out what special underwear I'd chosen for the night. "You're all breast," he told me, pleased. He pulled the shirt a little more to get a better view, "nice... you've made me rock hard." What can I say, he's a breast man.

I tried putting him off, more serious than teasing. I wasn't in the mood! Great timing for THAT. But I needed some time to relax after coming from work and the drive. None of that. He worked hard to GET me in the mood, though, pulling my shirt down to hook under my breasts and play with my nipples. Then, he took my hand. "What?" I asked, preferring to be TOLD what he was wanting me to do rather than guess. "I want you to stand up" he told me... and as I did added "so I can get your pants off." Which he did, making quick work of them, leaving them around my ankles.

Half naked now, he moved over me again, removing his pants. It wasn't long before his fingers found how wet I was and he took full advantage, sliding inside. He told me, "look, you're getting fucked and haven't even removed a stitch of clothing." He fucked me long and hard then. What I learned at that point is no matter HOW wet and excited I may SEEM... if I'm really not in the mood... I'm *really* not in the mood. Most of it felt almost like nothing except a few choice moments here and there.

Finally he asked "are you anywhere near cumming?" I froze. I hate getting asked that question. Whenever I'm considering sleeping with someone I warn them that no one else has EVER gotten me off. Therefore, in getting asked that question from someone who's trying soooo hard... well... I find it hard to tell them but honestly... if my hand isn't near my clit... I'm no where near cumming. "You can tell me, it's okay" he said. Finally I responded "No. Not at all." "That's cool. Nice appetizer, though. Shall we leave?"

And we headed down to the lobby to check out the hotel restraunt and decide on what to eat.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Wee.

Last night... very interesting. Ups and downs.

Highlight? Probably my last orgasm. And the pleasure of being juuuust drunk enough to kill most of my normal inhibitions. Not all. Just most. I acted toward Frank the way I often act toward my husband... and get turned down. Except Frank didn't turn me down. Why, I'm tempted to believe he liked it.

Lowlight? The attempt at anal. I'm so never doing that again. Not ever. With anyone. I'm sooo over anal. I'll read it. I'll watch it. Fuck if I'll ever do it again. Other lowlight... driving over there and almost getting hit not once but twice. The last time being somewhat spectacularly frightening. Neither was my fault... both involved people turning into my lane without caring that I was there first.

Overall? Probably would have been safer to stay home. I would certainly have slept better.

However... I really love having Frank fuck the hell out of me. So it's a give and take, isn't it?

Off to work. More later, maybe.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Predator.

It used to be when I'd suggest husband find someone else to sleep with he'd sigh somewhat and say that he might try when he was back at his fighting weight. Or he'd tell me that it would be very difficult for him.

At any rate last night I finally asked him "so... are you EVER going to sleep with another woman?"

He was quiet for a half second before saying "probably not."

I had no response.

I figured his lack of interest in sex with me had more to do with familiarity than anything. Having slept with a few other people I discovered having sex with others made our sex life that much more enticing and interesting to me. I became more adventurous in bed. Not doing the same things with him I was doing with the others but embellishing on the ideas and on ideas that were brought up early in the marriage.

But now... I wonder. Does he have the same reasoning he had before (namely a feeling of unattractiveness and inconvenience) or is he just turning THAT asexual?

He's not approached me for the "one" that he owes me from the other day. The single time I approached him for it, I got turned down. I'm starting to feel like I raped him that day. Yeah, he liked it... but he didn't really WANT it. I feel more and more like a sexual predator in my own home.

I don't like that feeling.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Paid Sex

I have this mild obsession with the idea of paid sex. Either getting paid for it or paying for it.

I tend to think paying for sex necessitates the person getting paid making it a point to EARN that money. I always say you get what you pay for. What kind of different dynamic would it introduce into my regular sex life? Would I enjoy being paid? Would I act differently? What if I were paying? Would I be more demanding? More pushy about being pleased the way that *I* want?

I bring this up because I agreed to pay for half the room on Thursday and in so doing told Frank that I'd wave cash in his direction... but he'd have to work for it. And it got me to thinking.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Hot Date

I have a hot date planned on Thursday. Basically uncancelable which is fine by me. I'm all excited to go see Frank again because the man knows how to take care of me.

Meanwhile, I hate writing about people that I've not yet slept with or at least met because it's always the kiss of death (kind of like getting a tattoo of a loved one's name) but I'm totally digging this guy and I'm hopeful something delightful will come of it. Considering how much I personally like him I'm hoping that even if the sex between us either never happens or sucks royally that he'll stick around because, like I said... mas fino (or whatever because I don't speak Spanish).

And on a cool note I was terribly horny this evening (feeling once again thwarted by things uncontrollable which were keeping me from getting laid) so I masturbated and came twice within about two minutes. Record? I'm rarely if ever multi-orgasmic (and certainly never have I had one of those super long multiple orgasms I've heard myths about) so that was pretty cool. It's not something I usually push myself toward but it was warrented.

And of course, I ended up finishing off thinking of DJ again and the super intense orgasm HE gave me. No idea what's going on with him. Not answering any of my messages and I figure if he's not doing that then he's not gonna answer my calls so fuck it. He used to read my blog but the last few times I've mentioned him I've gotten no response so I'm pretty much thinking he's moved on.

Damn.

Of course.

I was sitting on my couch near husband. I glanced over at him, trying to look sly, flirtatious, and maybe a little sexy. "So... the other night... you said you owe me one... seems like you still owe me one...."

He remained carefully composed. "Well, it ain't going to happen right now."

That was the end of that conversation.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Damn.

Something about the ex just gets under my skin. I KNOW he's my ex for a reason. I mean, seriously.

He asks me for sex. He changes his mind. He asks me to come sleep with him but NOT have sex... and oh he's so in love with this other girl but she's far away and he's stuck at home alone and I'm so close but all he wants to do is not be alone and can't I just come over? I mean, let's not forget the reason he stopped having sex with me in the first (and second) place was because of another girl he felt the need to be immediately monogamous with and we had to just be friends but can't we just snuggle sometimes?

Let's not forget that his and my relationship, while primarily sexual, was not ALL sexual. And it's funny because much as I love him I think he's a dumbass and I totally disagree with a lot of what he's choosing to do with his life. I feel like I should tell him "ya know... don't talk to me anymore" and yet... we have a really wonderful history and I can't bring myself to end it badly. This slow withering non-death isn't lovely but it's more bareable than being hurtful to him. For a while there he made me feel a lot of things I hadn't felt ever in my life and I appreciated that. It was a fantasy but it was a really great one.

Anyway. I need no advice on this one. There's no help for it. I make my choices and I live with them. I'm not unhappy. Just... confused.

But then we get into a long-ass conversation and I remember... oh, yeah... that's why I like him. That.

That Face

Nothing's come of husband's "I owe you one" comment the other night after I blew him. Mmmhmm.

But reflecting back on that, while I was giving husband the handjob portion of the evening I was watching him. His eyes were closed, face gradually tensing. I don't usually watch husband's face. I know what it is to open your eyes and discover you're unexpectedly being watched and it can throw you off your stride. However, I couldn't resist. I mean, what better moment to watch the effect of my ministrations on his body than during a hand job?

And I found it extremely erotic. Like, mostly I think sex faces aren't super hot. But I found myself drawn to that look. Turned on by it. Wanting to intensify it. I loved knowing it was ME causing that pleasure. All by myself.

And then he looked back to me, his face changing to something of shy embarassment.

Damn.

Caught.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Ooh la la!

No, this post has nothing to do with the French.

Ever since sleeping with EB the other day I'm feeling refreshed and ready to play again. Thus the reason I finally convinced husband to let me play with him. Even if it was entirely selfish on his part.

Normally the pill takes my libido and stomps it into the floor but this month... not so much. And I'm thinking it must have something to do with the fact that I got some. It's amazing how getting some gives one their libido BACK.

I haven't masturbated yet today but I certainly woke up plenty wet. Left overs from how excited I was last night. That's not normal for me. Maybe I was having a good dream, too. Seems likely.

Whatever the case may be I'm being more proactive in my search for sex and may actually meet up with a very very local guy I've been putting off for a month or two. It might be a complete bust, but there's hope that maybe he and I might just have enough chemistry to make it fun.

Of course, I may chicken out. Husband may start having sex with me again this week for a few days and then I'll be so excited to be getting some from HIM and not wanting to distract him I'll stop looking at the other guys and he'll get bored and I'll be pissed that I turned down sex with others. Yeah, okay, let's not fall into that trap again this time, right?

BTW I'd like to thank Tiger for writing "not so much" so often in her blog that it's now becoming a regular feature in MINE!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Oral

One of the things that irritates the shit out of me about husband is that for as long as I can remember anymore (which is to say since at least summer, I'm betting) he has not approached me once for sex. Not once. We've gotten into this habit. I ask him for sex he says no. I ask him for sex. He says no. I ask him for sex. He says FINE. I get mad that he has to be so grudging and don't want to do it with him. Repeat as neccessary.

This afternoon I asked husband for sex and got a no. So I said "fuck it" and started playing with him. He grudgingly mimicked having sex with me when I begged him to fuck me (neither of us unclothed at the time). I finally pulled off my pants and underwear and he told me "look, I just want to GO! Or go to SLEEP!" I whined pathetically and he went back to faking humping me. Soft. Finally, he lay down on the bed and stared at me as I put my pants back on. I climbed over him and rode him, both of us still clothed. It felt good to be on top of him that way. I felt empty. Finally, I moved off him and began stroking his cock through his jeans. Still soft.

I continued to rub it and it gradually got harder. Finally he reached down and unbottoned his jeans. I reached inside and began caressing his thighs, my fingers trailing over his ass and balls to rub his cock over and over again. He was stiffening up nicely so I leaned down and squeezed his cock between my teeth gently. I wrapped my lips around the head, his underwear acting as a barrier so I could tease him.

I sat back up and did something else for a moment before returning to caressing him. As I looked away he pulled his underwear down. "Oops, how'd that happen?!" He asked. I glanced at his hard naked cock. "I don't know. C'mon, let's go." He frowned. "You started this." I shrugged, "you said you wanted to go." "If you want to have sex, we can." I glanced at his hard cock and considered the potential freezing of the roads as it got colder and darker. "Let's go." He got up, "you're evil." I agreed. I asked him if he wanted to go pee before we left then laughed, "oops, you can't!"

Eventually he did go pee and we did leave. Later in the evening I asked him, "are you really not going to have sex with me tonight?" "No, I gave you the chance and you didn't take it." We had this conversation more than once this evening.

Finally bed time arrived. I went to tuck him in as is our ritual, depending who goes to bed first. I went up, prepared to go to sleep, too. I tucked myself into his blankets (we sleep with seperate blankets as my favorite blanket happens to be a twin size and his is a queen but we have a king bed). As I lay there I raised my thigh to protect his nether regions from the excited dogs bouncing around the bed. Gradually it occured to me that his naked nether regions were within reach of my hand and if I could just get my hand....

And so I got him hard. Not content to stop there I sucked his cock, alternating my mouth with my hand, letting one rest while the other grew tired. Finally, he came.

Afterward I went to get a warm dry washcloth to clean up the mess and snuggle just a bit. We talked a bit. "I'd have to say that's the best orgasm of 2005." (Let's not forget husband has been self-pleasuring for the whole of 2005, refusing me all the while.) I laugh, "just 2005?!?" He thinks for a moment and says, "of all the times you've done that for me, I'd say that was the best. Really." I nod. "Maybe because you teased me earlier." Well, DUH.

He lay relaxed and tired and yet still miraculously completely hard. I commented on it. "You could ride it, if you wanted." I gazed longingly at his cock feeling the incredible wetness inside me seeping out. "Ah, if I did that you probably wouldn't cum and then you'd be left all wanting and unable. I couldn't do that to you." "I might eventually be able to cum again... sometime tomorrow," he said, letting me know that indeed it would be a less pleasant ending than the one he was currently enjoying. I gave his cock one last gaze before kissing him goodnight. Before I left the room i asked "are you alright? Need me to cuddle or are you okay?" He smiled drowsily, "I'll be fine."

Oddly, while I'd be more than happy to be fucked right now, I'm completely satisfied.

Sober Girl

Last night? Tres fun. Although by the end of the night I was drunker than I had any business being. Over did it by about two glasses too much. Two shots? Whatever. How does one measure bourbon? Needless to say I don't drink often and find it very easy to over indulge when I do simply from lack of practice. not that I want more practice.

The dogs got me up far earlier than I would have liked so I'm going to head back to bed, I think. I was up until something like 4 am, chatting and the dogs have forced me out of bed around 10. Not nearly enough sleep.

So back I go.

God damn do I get horny when I'm drunk, though.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Drunk Girl

Yeah, when I get drunk boy oh boy am I aimable.

I've decided next time I'm going to have sex with someone I'm totally going to get drunk because it seems like a good idea... when I'm drunk.

Actually, I feel like getting totally sloshed with Frank because I think he'd like me drunk. Like me a lot. And I honestly never do anything drunk that I'd regret sober, so fuck it.... hehe heh.

Who's drunk? Oh, yeah. Me. Right now.

Very. Numb-ish limbs. Bourbon is evil. Must... drink... water.

This will conclude drunk blogging. For the moment.

Oh, and there's no reason for me to be drunk except it's been a long-ass time since I have been and I just kinda wanted to be.

Drop it like it's hot... even though it isn't.

Having watched the Drop It Like Its Hot video a few times I can say with 100% certainty that no matter how hot the girls and how sensually they try to do it there is absolutely nothing sexy about tongue clucking. Nor will there ever BE. I don't want to say that I don't appreciate the effort. I mean, they tried really really hard... but no... I'm sorry.

Also Snoop... not hot. Him clucking his tongue does not change my opinion of either the clucking or the man.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Disappointing

I'm so disappointed lately.

I woke up this morning and decided to masturbate a little. I grabbed the toy I have sitting at bedside and slipped it inside myself. I played with it for a bit and discovered I wasn't nearly as sensitive inside as I ought to be and would be stuck frigging myself forever if i didn't give up. So, off to the shower to start the morning routine.

Once downstairs I realised I had some extra time. Dressed already I put my vibrator against my jeans and waited. Mmm. Not bad. But also not one of those days where I'm going to cum in my pants, either. How disappointing. I take off my clothes and sit naked, watching porn. I put my dildo inside myself. It's okay.

Eventually, I rub myself to orgasm. I cum. But I barely feel it inside. Damn. There's really nothing better than those orgasms that just make all the internal sexual organs convulse and tingle. And nothing more disappointing than having a purely clitoral orgasm... with no one anywhere around to at least appreciate that I've cum for him and could he please cum, now, too?

Thoughts once again go to DJ. The fact that we can't seem to manage to get together again... that's disappointing.

Monday, January 17, 2005

One More Bra Post

Well, one more for now. I modeled the bra mentioned in my last post for one of my online guys. Someone I'd love to have sex with but probably never will. I've put on a lot of underwear for various guys. Once again I got a "I like that one!' type of response. I think I've found a winner here.

Now I'm wondering if it's the color scheme (red and black... which I've ALWAYS avoided together) or the cut... or both. Whatever the case, I remain pleased. I'm hoping against hope this joyful optimism will remain with me for a while. I love feeling sexy.

Compliment

One of the most memorable parts of last night...

Actually there were two. I was busily sucking EB's cock enjoying the hell out of it making him moan (I think sometimes he fakes the moans in the hopes it'll make me hotter... or to encourage me to be more vocal, too) when he stopped me. There are lots of guys who've stopped me mid-suck to move onto something else. I appreciate that they stop me before I get them to the point of cumming leaving me high and dry. Don't get me wrong. However. I really enjoy sucking cock and I do hate being stopped before I'm ready to stop. But, I realise now that he was looking forward to coming inside me. I'm not sure what the satisfaction in cumming inside a woman is... but guys sure do like it. Whereas I'd rather be cum ON.

The other most memorable thing. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. No make up, nothing. The rush to get out of the house to see him was too great to bother with such things. But of course, I chose my underwear carefully. My new black and red lace Victoria's Secret bra and a plain black panty. When he finally got me out of my t-shirt he looked at my breasts appreciatively. "Nice bra," he said... before reaching around to take it off. It's so important to me that a man notice that I took that extra time and money to have sexy underwear for him. It was only a brief moment in the evening... but it was also a brief evening so I appreciated the attention.

EB is definately the kind of guy a girl would want to marry. Just because of things like that.

Aren't Quizes Annoying?

In the interest of sharing another part of me...

3 names you go by: Odalisque, OdalisqueK, Odal.

3 screen names you have: Only a very few people know my other names and I'm certainly not sharing them here! Mostly I'm OdalisqueK Although that started out as just plain Odalisque until that name got popular.

3 things you like about yourself: More daring than I used to be, I'm loving, I'm smart.

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself: I'm pessamistic at times, I procrastinate, I always look for the easy way out.

3 parts of your heritage: Scottish, German, and Russian.

3 things that scare you: Being recognised as the bad person I know I am inside, feeling unloved, being too unattractive to get laid.

3 of your everyday essentials: Shampoo, Toothpaste, the pill.

3 things you're wearing right now: Wife beater, jeans, doc marten's.

3 of your favorite bands/artists (subject to change at any time): Hal Ketchum, Linkin Park, Kelly Clarkson

3 of your favorite songs at present: Over and Over, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months: bondage, cooking a cake with real fudge as frosting, successfully propositioning a guy for sex (in person)

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given): sex, honesty, freedom

2 truths and a lie:
My best friend from high school is bisexual.
My taste in men has morphed to prefer men who look like my husband.
I've had an STD.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal: shoulders, lips, and hands.

3 things you just can't do: kill animals, stop eating meat, give up sex.

3 of your favorite hobbies: Sex, crocheting, refinishing furniture.

3 things you want to do really badly right now: Have sex, sleep, get a massage.

3 careers you're considering (or have considered): Forestry, photographer, whore.

3 places you want to go on vacation: Tahiti, Scotland, Jamaica

3 kids names (either boy or girl): Griffon, Grey, Samuel

3 things you want to do before you die: Threesome, swim naked, feel successful.

3 people who have to take this quiz now: Whomever wants to, whomever is bored, whomever likes these sorts of things.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Ah, FINALLY.

EB gave me a buzz and told me he was available for play. I put him off for a bit and came very close to saying no until a blog reader/writer/chat friend told me to get off my fucking ass and go see him. Yessir.

The thing with EB is that he's a super cool guy. He's not hot (but then neither am I) and there's not a ton of chemistry between us but I really really really like him. Like, he's the sort of guy I'd pay money to have as a friend. However, we tend to keep things super casual between us so as not to cross and boundries or make things weird. Sex with him has boardered on disappointing but tends to improve dramatically at times.

Tonight was one of those semi-disappointing nights. I loved kissing him. I loved feeling his hands on my body. I loved feeling him over me. I was wet. Wetter than I've been in a few months. And yet.... I fought hard to cum. He came shortly afterward and then we hopped in the shower to wash ourselves. Then away we went.

I left him being glad to know him. Being glad that although the sex isn't stunning that it's always pleasant. Being in his company is a pleasure.

I couldn't live on a diet of that kind of sex. But it's a nice thing to have now and again.

And it's nice to have finally had sex again since freakin' November.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Want.

I'm watching Sex and the City. Lots of it. On Demand rules.

What I'm realising more and more is that I love sex. But I also like being treated like a person. Thus, I tend to find myself most attracted to men who can be sexy without being crass. I think it's a tough line for most to find. I certainly have a problem with it. I think I tend to either sound completely not at all sexy... or completely crass. Although I can't say for sure.

The other day in Nashville I got to talking with one of the vendors. I was checking out the merchandise he was representing and he walked up behind me and told me "don't touch it!" I glanced over at him and back at the items in question. "What if I do," I asked. "I'd have to spank you," he told me. Of course, what with the way I am... I glanced back at him under my lashes with a shy smile, "really?" I'm sure he must have been momentarily flustered before he said, "Yes." I smiled a little broader, considering reaching for one of the items when he told me "let me see your hand." I held it out to him, curious as he took it and slapped the back of it gently. "Don't make me do it again." I laughed openly and wandered to my seat to wait for class to begin.

Later, we ran into each other again. It was less successfully flirtatious.

Maybe I'll share the rest later. Or not.

However, I couldn't help but be proud of myself for managing to flirt. And not lose my cool.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Boooring.

My last night in Nashville was complete CRAP. I discovered that nothing in downtown nashville stays open past 8pm except a few of the touristy restraunts which didn't appeal to me. I only discovered this after walking for about an hour and a half along the busiest street I could find. I finally gave up and headed back to the hotel bar/deli only to walk up the counter maybe 2 minutes after it closed. Nice.

So then I was tired, hungry, and pissed off so I stomped up to my hotel room and ended up ordering room service and staying in the rest of the night. Not good company.

Today I ended up in the class of one super hot guy and one reasonably hot guy which lead to me becoming exceptionally hot and bothered. Actually, I think the hot guy caused me to find the other guy reasonably hot, even though in retrospect I wouldn't have looked at the second guy twice. I had the HARDEST time concentrating and there's not question my lips were swollen and my face a little red by the time I left the hot guy's class.

Anyway, the convention itself was great. The non-convention time SUCKED.

I do agree with my three commenters that coming onto a guy so directly would probably be almost a guaranteed success. However... I'm only slowly coming about to being able to even openly flirt with a guy... and have him flirt back without completely freaking out. I mean, I still get flustered but not so much.

I'll get it, though. And when I do... boy oh boy....

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Yo.

No clue if this will work so I don't want to bother typing very long. I'm playing with the webtv (or whatever they call it now) system in the hotel since I have no lap top. For sure, I can't answer e-mail. I can write it but I can't respond. That's fun. So I apologize for ignoring anyone.

Nashville has been fun-ish. I'm not sleeping well, but I'm feeling less tired than one might expect.

So far I haven't found anyone to sleep with. No surprise since it hasn't realy been my intent. That time of the month and all. However, the hotel is FILLED with middle aged (and vaguely younger) white men. Within that demographic I'm SURE I could find someone to play with if I really wanted. And I kind of want.

While we were walking around last night I checked out the hotel bar. The vast majority of the people there were men. Like, all but 3. Good pickings. Unlikely that I'd be that forward but I likely wouldn't turn down an invite.
I did end up flirting with one guy who's not REALLY my type but I'm horny and I'm not sure I care. I think he was trying to casually follow me around the area for a while (not in a creepy way). So, I suppose he'd be the most likely candidate. But.. eh.

I am really fucking horny though. Damn. Why am I such a fucking coward?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Speaking of Dressing Rooms

Ken of http://www.kenandariel.com/ posted about a dressing room incident.

I didn't have one of those.

However, as I was shopping around a particular ladies-only clothing store I overheard a guy talking to one of the sales ladies. I missed the vast majority of the conversation but it was reasonably clear that he was there alone. And was asking how far away some store was. About 20 minutes was the answer. I didn't think anything of it, really, except to wonder what store he was going to.

I continued my shopping which involved a lot of trying to decide if the clothing was "work casual" enough for my convention while remaining rugged enough for my often very dirty, very physical job. No point in spending money on clothes I wouldn't have a use for, afterall.

He walked past and turned around. I ignored him, staring at the brown and pink stripped shirt before me. "You know, that pink shirt would go great with those black pants." I glanced up at him, clearly gesturing to a shirt unrelated to the one I was considering. Trying to decide how to respond I finally said "ah, black I know. Black I can handle. It's the brown pants I'm having trouble with. And I don't like pink!" I tried to sound friendly. I must have failed. I stood before me a moment longer before walking away.

He was kind of cute. But it was weird, having him approach me in a clothing store. Actually, it was just weird being approached in the first place. The rest only added to the weirdness of it.

I later told husband I should have said something flirtatious. ANYTHING.

Damn.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Dammit.

Unsurprisingly I've been fairly sick all day. Medication pretty much nullified the effects but the fact that I drank a venti starbucks latte and then an hour later passed out for two hours ought to give you a clue how worn out I remain.

Yesterday I sent my friend EB the warning that I almost definately wouldn't be able to come have kinky sex with him. He sent me back a message letting me know that circumstances had changed and he wouldn't be able to see me anyway. Which is ALWAYS the case. So, apparently it worked out just like I expected. No sex. Nothing. Great.

Monday I'll be heading out for a trip to Nashville which puts me out of commission around here for four days. I'll try to think of something sexy to say tomorrow because I don't think you'll get any out of me tonight. Bleh.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sick AGAIN

I slept a good 24-30 hours between yesterday and today. Give or take for the very few hours I managed to be awake.

I was so sick I couldn't even stand to sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time. It was baaaad.

Today, major sinus headache on half my head. And I have to go to work.

Kinky sex plans for tomorrow? Not looking good.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Potential.

Yeah, basically the idea with husband is to just throw up my hands and wait for him to come to me. Or not. Whatever. I can get it elsewhere.

Knowing that I've got one of my previous lovers (who has his own complications which keep him and I apart) on the line for Saturday. Bingo! I choose not to get TOO into our relationship or why I continue to see him as I'm deathly afraid he'll come across my blog and not like to hear about it. Or the failings (and pleasures) of our relationship.

However.

Should things be as interesting as I'm hoping... there will definately be some kind of play by play....

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Last Night

I had a dream this morning about my husband being involved in a rather shady community. By the end of it we were at a pool party and I overheard someone on the phone admitting they were only there as a lookout for a rival group who was coming to kill us all.

Husband and I escaped into a bathroom and were trying to make our way out when my alarm went off. The most memorable thing was that husband was naked had a very large penis and it caught my attention mid-escape. Yes, I have my priorities straight.

Last night I asked husband "seriously, I want to know... should I stop asking you for sex?" He was quiet for a few moments before saying, "well, yeah.. randomly anyway." I nod, and leave it at that. We went to bed and I started making out with him rather passionately. He at least didn't try to escape but finally said "you know, if we hadn't both taken nyquil-" at which point I covered his mouth with mine to get him to shut the fuck up. When he went to speak again I once again shushed him with my mouth before finally letting him go so we could sleep.

Obviously, the SOLE reason I put my tongue in husband's mouth is to get him to fuck me. Oh, wait. No it's not. So let's ruin the moment by talking about it. Jackass.

Actually, I'm not nearly that bitter. Jackass is a term of endearment. Derisive, surely. But a term of endearment none the less.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Circle Of Blogs

I've been reading a certain number of blogs for a while. Most of them link to one another and myself to them which forms this very closely related web of bloggers who read one another. For a while there I was thinking that the web was getting a little too tightly knit and surely there must be more than 20-or-so bloggers that I see linked a lot. And then I get linked to by complete strangers who's blogs I've never read or even heard of (of course the last week or so I haven't really been checking around so I guess no one to blame but myself).

Anyway, I have to give another shout out to http://baddecisions.blogspot.com/ whom I've never heard of, but I see he's linked to a number of other blogs I've never heard of either. Ah HA! Bingo! We have a new web of folks to check out. Yay!

Now I just need to start exploring them!

Monday, January 03, 2005

So Tired

I'm so tired of feeling sick (maybe I'm finally feeling better?!?). I'm so tired of being on the pill. It's killing my sex drive (if you can imagine) and making me irritable.

I told husband about my dream... the one I wrote here. And ended it with "that's the story of my LIFE." He doesn't give a shit. I've all but decided not to even bother TRYING to have sex with him anymore. It's clear he's happy by himself that way and frankly, I've got other places to find it. Luckily, being on the pill is killing just enough of my sex drive to make me not even feel like going out and looking for it. I still want it... but not enough to try.

And when presented with the option... I don't really feel like putting forth the effort to actually get to whatever location sex may be found.

I hate myself like this.

A dream.

I've been rather sick. That pit of my stomach sick feeling has lead me to not wanting sex pretty much at all. I just want to stop being sick.

Last night I had a dream. The lead character in it (besides myself) was someone who looked a heck of a lot like the blogger Twisted Monk but acted a fucking lot like husband, only somewhat worse. It was all very odd. I was living in Seattle in the dream and the guy I was with was a beer importer. The store was the same place I work at... except different since there's no beer where *I* work.

He was fresh back from a trip, unloading beer from his 1.5 ton truck in the dark behind the store. I kissed him heartily upon his return, "where'd you go?!?" I asked him, interested and crazy with lust for him. He grunted in reply, saying nothing. I kissed him more, my tongue slipping past his lips, bodies pressed close. I could feel my pussy aching for him, my ENTIRE BODY aching to be touched, squeezed, caressed... anything. He kissed me back, I could feel that he wanted me, too. I unbuttoned my jeans, letting them slide down my hips just a little, eyes quickly scanning the area for unsuspecting passersby. His hand slid down to my ass, smacking it twice teasingly before he pulled away, reaching for anther flat of beer bottles.

I fix my clothes. "Where'd you go this time?" I ask again.

"Chicago," he tells me.

"Ah, that sounds like fun, never really been there." I excuse myself before I sound like I'm begging him to take me with him next time. I don't want to go. I just want to fuck.

Inside the store we run into each other again. This time he's done, ready to go. The place is well lit. I once again press myself against him, my body still hot from desire. I kiss him, licking his ear. He barely responds. I whisper sing to him "how sweet it is to be loved by you..." but even as I sing the words to him I realise we're not in love. He doesn't love me. I don't love him. I want to eat my words, give them a more sexual meaning, but I continue to kiss him instead.

One of my coworkers walks in, "hey, you ready to go?" I pull away. My lover looks at me "let's go... it's not like this was working right now anyway." I stare at him, my pussy wet and throbbing my nipples aching... it wasn't working? I go inside and restock the fridge with coke cans, angry.

He comes up behind me, "let's go home." I frown at the cans, horny, knowing I'll remain as such until I take care of myself.

Then I wake up.

My first thoughts are of wanting DJ.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Purity Test

I'm terribly disappointed with the results. So, I'm going to bed.



Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
Self-Lovin'43.3%
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
65.1%
Shamelessness50%
It takes a couple of drinks
79.3%
Sex Drive 71.1%
A fool for love, but not always
77.7%
Straightness5.4%
Knows the other body type like a map
44.6%
Gayness 100%
83.8%
Fucking Sick83.2%
Refreshingly normal
90%
You are 59.85% pure
Average Score: 72.7%


Speaking of Purity

I fully admit I get a little thrill everytime I realise that I've become less pure on the purity tests.

That alone is a reason for me to consider the joys of women.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Can I get a wha' wha'?

I'd like to send a shout out to Kathy of http://kathysaffair.blogspot.com/ for linking to me (and I notice a lot of other people, but most importantly she linked to ME). I've never seen her blog before and haven't read a single entry yet but she's been added to my browser's favorites list to check out before I add her to the list of blogs I read regularly.

Also:

Cupid - Free Online Dating and Match