Saturday, September 30, 2006


I keep checking my cell in the hopes that Curt will call. It's really galling that he hasn't, yet. No missed calls on the phone. Nothing.

I spent part of the afternoon fantasizing about what exactly it'd be like to sleep with him. And, as I lay there it occured to me if I were really, really honest... I'm still just thinking about Keith.

Friday, September 29, 2006


So there's this kinda cute young guy who (used) to come into the store on a regular basis. Supposedly today is his last day. Which works out well since my last day is so close. He's a nice kid and I've often wondered about the possibilities. In a sort of "let me pervert you" way. In so far as I'm even perverse. Ahem. Anyway.

So we were talking today and somehow the conversation turned to sex. I believe I said something like "that's like saying sex and masturbation are the same." "Well, they are," he replied, "sex with yourself." I shook my head and laughed vaguely before saying "it's not really, though" and he replied "sure, all those kinds of sex, oral, anal... whatever... it's all the same really." I wanted to open my mouth to say more but another customer came up and the boy had to go. So much for him. But really, all I could think of was that early scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin when we find out our hero has never had sex. Dude. Just like bags of sand....

Wade came in and I talked to him for a while. I really like him as a person. I'm still just not convinced I could fuck him. Anyway, I talked to him about my "moral" issue having to do with sex with the married man. We went back and forth about it for a while about whether I hold any responsibility in making it possible for Curt to have another extramartial affair. Wade absolutely thinks that's not my issue, my business, or within my ability to control Curt and I should just do what I want to do. I argued that in knowing that he's married I do have certain amount of moral responsibility.

However, I also ended up asking both Wade and Husband about hookers. Both of them and myself seem to believe paid sex is perfectly fine. However, I pointed out that many professionals are dealing with married men. Therefore, if having sex with a married man is morally wrong for, say, me how could it be any less morally wrong for them? Husband suggests it has something to do with emotional attachment. However, I do believe men can (and do) become (inappropriately) emotionally attached to their service providers and that in the case of Curt and I there wouldn't be any real danger of the two of us becoming attached since I obviously already know Curt's a liar AND I'm moving cross country in less than month. And if it's okay for a whore... why not for me?

The funny thing about this particular conversation is that it actively compares me to a whore. And that doesn't bother me a bit. In a way I suppose that opens me up to ridicule. It's just too bad I don't think of it as an insult so much as a career choice...

Meanwhile, Wade now knows the deal with husband an I in the most superficial of ways. I told him, basically, "I fuck who I want." However, earlier in the conversation Wade said something like "hey, I'm just playing with you," telling me that supposedly he never meant his come ons. However, later he said something about how my talking about having sex was making him "uncomfortable" as if to suggest he was getting hard. So, whatever. I think he was just trying to cover his ass when he thought I was going to blast him for all the things he's said.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I spent much of the day with an eye out for any of the boys I like to flirt with. No one really came to visit (well, except Wade and that was short and sweet). No sign of Trian. Or Sam. Or any of the others. I was really disappointed but I was also really fucking busy so it all worked out. However, I kept an eye out for Curt. But he never showed. He’s also not called yet. I imagine he’s going to try to do the prescribed "three day" wait thing. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows?

I’m still trying to figure out what, exactly, to do about Curt. On one hand I really don’t give a shit that he’s married. I’m only annoyed that it makes him less readily available. And it makes me think about the whole lying thing. I loathe lies and the lying liars that tell them. Cheaters are the ultimate in liars. Although the funny thing is they probably don’t think of themselves as dishonest, for the most part. Apparently they only lie about thing things that matter to the second most important person in their lives (beside themselves of course).

It’s troubling. The thing is, I don’t lust after Curt because of his honesty. It wasn’t his honesty that attracted me or keeps my mind flitting back to thoughts of him. And I’m not really sure if I should be making this kind of decision should be based on a fear of what other people think... which is really what I’m concerned about. I mean, I have a couple of different ways of looking at the situation and I’m really not sure which one to choose.

So, yeah. Like I said before. Knowing me, I’ll probably sleep with him. And I’ll probably enjoy it. And then I’ll move far, far away.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Did it.

So as I mentioned in my last post, I spent the entire day completely hyper and just having a damned good time. I flirted with EVERYONE, really. It was great, and great fun. My mood was amazing. It was a lovely, good thing. Many of those around me were bitter, angry folks. And I just didn't understand. Apparently I sucked up all the happy and they were left with the dregs of emotions. Or something.

Trian came in angry. My coworkers were bitter about one thing or another. Everyone was tired. And just generally grumpy. But I just didn't give a fuck. Well, okay, I did give a fuck but I felt the need to be the happy bunny, delivery little eggs of cheer to everyone I met. Who knows if it worked. Worked for me.

There's a guy who comes into the store a couple of times a week I've been flirting with for a while. He's cute and he's funny. What else matters, really? I once mentioned to him that I was a happy drunk and he told me he's a touchy feely drunk. I stared at him speechless and he smiled and said something like "got you thinking, didn't it?" Which he did.So today he walked up while I was trying to help a girl who had a uniform question. I tried calling my husband and one of his friends to find out the answer to her question but couldn't find out. Finally I turned to the guy and said "I think you're a man whore... do women wear the same thing as the guys?" "Yes," he said, "but what does that have to do with me being a man whore?" "I figure you've probably helped a few girls take them off," I said. He laughed and didn't reply. I apologized to the girl that she had to witness that display and she smiled "it's okay" and left.

Afterward the guy came up and said "why'd you have to cock block me like that?" I laughed and asked what he meant. "You called me a man whore and her expression just changed." I smiled, "shoot, you weren't going to come onto her anyway." "you're right," he said. Then I asked "why not? She was cute." He shrugged, "not really." I shook my head at him, "I just think you and I have different taste in women." "She wasn't that cute," he told me. "Different taste." I thought about it for a second and added "looks like we won't be having a hot threesome, then." "Plus, your husband probably wouldn't like that much." I smiled, "he'd probably be mad that I had a threesome... without him."

Curt came in, too. I saw him and immediately said "you didn't come back!" referencing the fact that he didn't come back into the store yesterday. I'd been all prepared to give him my phone number and everything. He smiled at me and said something like "but I'm here now." "Now's too late," I told him, "I was going to give you my phone number yesterday. Not now, though." He looked vaguely surprised, "really?" he asked. I nodded. "But not now?" I shook my head.

"Why were you going to give me your phone number," he asked, pointedly. I stared at him with a grin, not quite sure how to say what I've been thinking. "Did you want to invite me over?" he asked. Shook my head, "you can't come to MY house. My husband wouldn't like that." He smiled again, "did you want to get a hotel room," he asked me. I smiled "well, would we need to?" He nodded. I sighed, frowing. The implication was clear. Fuck.

I argued with him for a while about whether or not I should give him my number. I hemmed and hawed and stared into his lovely blue eyes. (fucking blue eyed men) And he said "I guess it all depends on how much you want me." I stared at him, unable to quite believe he was that forward and confident. I suppose I'd given him every reason to be at this point, but I've been turning him down for MONTHS. I gave him my number on a pack of matches I'd been fiddling with. What amused me most about it was the fact that yesterday I'd put my number on a pack of matches to pass to him and had forgetten them at home today, as he watched me fiddling with the matches he told me I should put my phone number on there for him. Like he knew.

After he disappeared the matches he looked at me for a long moment. "So, do you want to get a hotel room?" "I have to think about it," I told him, unable to bring myself to just say "yes." He continued to look at me, "the attraction between us is pretty clear." I smiled at that ironically, thinking of the blog entries I've re-read in the last few weeks detailing my lack of attraction to him. "Well," he said, "I'm good," then he laughed, "I shouldn't say I'm good." I smiled at that and said "wouldn't you HAVE to say that?" then added, "But really, I'm a difficult woman." "What do you mean?" He asked. I frowned, glancing around aware that there were other people in the store. "I'm at work! ... um... I'm just difficult," hoping maybe he'd understand that I'm not an easy girl to get off.

Whatever the case, he left not too long after that. And I was left standing there, bemused and hopeful, with wet panties wondering about the state of his arousal. The thing that I adore most is that he's someone I find I can actually carry on a conversation with... and I WANT to look him in the eyes the whole time. Which I did. I look at him and I wonder if I'm feeling the same sort of connection I felt with Keith. He seems to share some of that same shameless directness that Keith had and that I continue to try to find in myself. His directness brings out a similar quality in me which is part of what I enjoyed so much with Keith. And something I really fucking need to learn to do on my own.

Anyway, I suspect I will probably be spending at least an hour or two naked with this man rather soon. I'm also aware that there are those who're going to be pretty disappointed that I'm even considering helping a man cheat on his wife. I'm not really sure if there is a way to defend myself about this one. I've known far too many people who've been hurt by a cheater to walk into it pretending I'm guiltless... and yet I find myself drawn toward it anyway.

Well, we'll see. I'm selfish and imperfect and I want this man. But it's really hard to look into Trian's eyes and think hey, let me be a part of causing someone else that same pain I see reflected there. So who knows. As I told Curt, "I've done it before." I'm just not sure it means I should do it again, and yet....

The matches Posted by Picasa

Husband sex

I'd been drinking because I was frustrated with some of the stuff related to the move and husband drank a little, too. Early on in the evening he walked up to me sitting in front of the computer (my normal spot) and he teasingly licked my ear. My ears are probably my most sensitive spot. I moaned, arching against him so he could explore further. He finally pulled away as I gazed at him in surprise, lust surely in my eyes. "I thought you'd like that," he said and wandered off to watch tv.

Eventually, I came over to lay with him on the couch. As I was laying there he started playing with my tits idly and I relaxed into it. I could feel him getting hard where my head was in his lap and I found myself utterly surprised. He jokingly (but really seriously) suggested I could suck his cock. But really. I demand a clean cock so I declined. "I could go take a quick shower," he said. I rolled my eyes and rubbed my face against the front of his pants, teasingly.

Eventually, my show was coming on so I was going to head upstairs. He stopped me at the end of the couch and began kissing the back of my neck, his fingers climbing my body slowly, teasingly. I got goose bumps, my breath coming in gasps until he let me go, again. I probably had another 30 minutes before it came on, but I figured I might as well get ready for bed. He followed me upstairs and forced me out of my spot in bed. It wasn't long before he was pulling my pants off. He slid his cock inside me slowly, fucking me gently. I giggled and strained to make sure my show wasn't on, yet. He laughed and kept fucking me slowly.

Finally he slid off me "I guess I'll go downstairs..." just as my show came on. I thought about it for a second and flipped onto my knees, presenting my cunt to him as he stood beside the bed. It didn't take more than a few seconds for him to take the hint and slip his cock back inside. His cock is so perfect for me in that position, hitting my gspot nicely... my body surprisingly familiar with the feel of him inside me I felt myself aching toward orgasm. Even as my show came on and husband grew gradually softer. Apparently Hugh has a different effect on husband than he does on me.... I asked him "is it the show?" and he agreed, adding "it's not like I can cum anyway." Seeing as I wasn't going to suck his cock and he wasn't wearing a condom. Apparently he didn't feel like pulling out and letting me (or himself) finish the job. Whatever the case, he pulled out and I lay down to finish watching my show as husband let his fingers caress the lips of my pussy, making my clit ache. And then he stood up to leave.

"Oh. My. God." I said, "I think I might hate you." He smiled at me knowingly and said "why?" trying to sound incredulous. "You KNOW why," I told him. He smiled at me and left. I considered chasing him down. But as we all know, I'm done chasing him.

I never did cum last night. I imagine he didn't, either. But it was so fucking awesome to have my husband back inside me. To know that at least in that moment, he wanted me.

I spent the entire day today hyper, and fun, and flirtatious just in an amazing mood. I can only blame him. And it makes me smile.


So I've waited for something like a week for Curt to come back and see me again. He walked in around 1:30 while one of the vendor reps was in the store. He was talking to me. A lot. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave so I could talk to Curt who grabbed a water and brought it to me to ring up. I ignored the vendor in favor of him. "Were you just going to come in and not say anything?" I asked, pointedly. He smiled and said "I was going to say SOMETHING." "Right," I said, "I could tell by your silence." He smiled again. The vendor behind me interrupted forcing me to talk to him again. I finished the transaction with Curt and he told me "I have to go to PT." I frowned and asked far too plaintively, "will you come back?!?" "Maybe," he said as he left.

Unfortuantely, he didn't come back. At least not while I was still there. He was probably still in the gym when I got off work. I waited around in the store a while in the hopes that he'd show up but eventually forgot exactly why I was waiting so I left. Once I got outside I remembered again but by then it was too late and would have looked too pathetic for me to sit there in the hopes he'd show up. Especially if he hadn't planned to come back into the store.Maybe he'll show up some night this week.

The thing is, though, that when he came in I immediately started freaking out. My heart was pounding, adreneline... fight or flight, and I wanted to flee.

Sam came in a couple of days ago, too. I couldn't believe it. He walked in and said "hi" and it took me about a heartbeat to recognize him. "You're wearing funny colors," I told him, looking at his suddenly tan uniform. Turns out he's being sent to Iraq. We didn't have a long talk by any means. I told him I'm leaving, too. Right about the same time he is, oddly. Almost the same day. He bought his stuff and left. And I stood there in minor shock. I may never see him again but I'm still frightened by the idea of him going over there. I suspect that's where Nils is, now, too. And I believe Whit told me that's where he's going after this. Does my lust send people to Iraq?!?

I saw Whit a couple of days ago, too. I'll have to write about the sex I had with him.

And the sex I had with husband, too. I know. Can you believe it?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Take me...

I was thinking about what it is I crave from a man. Specifically, the things that I fantasize about when it comes to men. Trian and I had a conversation once about his wife and how his desire for sex was different from hers. For him it's all about love making. He likes the tenderness and gentle love making, whereas she prefers fucking. I considered that and told him he'd probably NOT like having sex with me, then because I'm a fan of fucking, too.

But I keep thinking about it and about the things I crave when it comes to sex. And really, it's NOT just about fucking. On one hand, Whit is an excellent example of straight up fucking. He loves to fuck. He aims to please, but there's nothing tender or emotional about his sex. When we're together there's no emotional bond on any level. And I find it disappointingly empty.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I've ever experienced "making love." However, I think I've experienced most of the trappings. Obviously, I had a GREAT time with Keith and the fact that he and I were so really... connected in what we did and I was not only able but desirous of looking into his pretty blue eyes while he was inside me... well.. if that's love making then I fucking crave that. On the other hand, if it's the gentle, teasing sex that so many men have tried with me (the stuff I lay there thinking "I can't feel it...") ....well... I can do without.

I was thinking about what exactly it is that I want. Keith was an excellent example of perfect sex. I don't think I could have asked for much more than what I shared with him and suspect I'll never have the pleasure again (excepting, of course, if he shows up here before I leave... but I'm really not convinced it'll be the same).

I tend to look at men and wonder if they can be the really forceful, yet tender lovers I crave. A readily (and continually memorable, to me) example would be that video of Monk with Violet Blue doing rope bondage. He was getting physical but took the time to ask "too much?" That sort of thing is super hot to me. Be rough, be demanding... but keep my needs in mind. Because I need THAT.

I loved the way Martin did that when he and I first got together. I loved the way he pushed me up against the wall but remained gentle and sensual throughout. If he could have kept up that kind of interaction with me, I would have been much more hard pressed to let him go.

So yeah. Always searching. Always fantasizing in my mind. Yeah, it lacks a certain sense of responsibility but... turns out I can fantasize and still be a fully functional adult....

Friday, September 22, 2006

Feelin' Froggy

I realized today that I have no fucking clue what the hell that term means. I asked my husband and he considered and said "I have no idea, either." Although we're both pretty sure we've heard it. I know I've heard it. A lot lately. It might have something to do with being intoxicated in some manner. But it's a very strange, very compelling phrase to me.

Anyway, I thought about a lot of stuff while I was at work today and actually had the presence of mind to write my thoughts down. There were many thoughts. Among them was an intense disappointment that none of my admirers came in today. How disappointing is that? I was really looking forward to seeing the guy who told me he wants me (I'll call him Curt). Anyway, my hopes were up the whole day, and there was no sign of him. God damn that Curt for making me want him and then just disappearing altogether for the whole fucking week.

Otherwise, I saw Hawk and I stared deep into his very, very dark eyes, trying to make out the edges of his contacts. But I couldn't. He leaned close. Close enough for me to kiss him. But I couldn't see them. He stood back up and I shook my head and told him I don't see them. He leaned close again, once again close enough that another inch or two and our lips would have touched... and I saw nothing. I wonder what he would have done if I had just up and kissed him. That would have been amusing....

I'll share the things I wrote down later.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

So many thoughts... so few typed here.

We went to the going away party for one of my husband's coworkers. Heading out to the desert (or the sandbox as so many around here call it). It kind of surprises me how many people I've known who've been sent. Anyway, as with all those who get sent, I can't help but worry. So far I haven't known of anyone who's died over there... but it is, perhaps, only a matter of time. On the other hand, I'll be leaving my many military connections behind next month so maybe I'll manage to remain untouched in that way....

I spent most of the "party" trying NOT to gaze longingly at the higher ranking guy who works with my husband. He's quite handsome and funny and friendly, too. I noticed he had no woman with him which got me to wondering just what his marital status actually was. Husband seems to think he's single. I won't try to seduce him, because that'd be morally wrong, you know. But, oh. How I want to....

I'm hoping against all hope that the guy I still haven't come up with a name for the one who told me he wanted me will show up tomorrow. And maybe he can prove it....

Anyway, I was thinking I need to learn to be more sexually aggressive in some ways. And it occurred to me that in some ways I really AM. Just not enough of them. I've gotten better at being a bit more forward when it comes to talking to men. However, my follow through is TERRIBLE.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wade came in today. I talked to him for a while. He's one of those guys who's actually really pretty freakin' into me. But I'm really not convinced he'd know what to do with me once he had me. Which is really such a shame. He seems more relaxed than he used to be, though. Somehow more at peace. Which is a nice look for him. Unfortunately, I just think he's not my type enough that it'd be a bit of a waste of time for me....

I'm still waiting for the one guy (who really needs a damned nickname) who told me that he wanted me last week to come back in again. He's never there in the mornings so unless he comes by Friday night, it'll be just another damned wasted week.

Although maybe it's for the best. Maybe that wouldn't be good sex, either....

Like A New Lover

When it comes to cumming I'm not terribly picky. Okay, okay, I know that goes against everything I've ever said. But I mean when I'm alone. I'll sit down in front of the computer and find some porn and get down to business. More often than not, I find myself a nice movie involving two men (and yes, that's honestly becoming almost exclusively the only type of porn I'm interested in) which will proceed to get me off. Sometimes I'll find a story and get off to that. So, movies and stories. If they're sexual and of SOME kind of quality... I'll cum. It's served me quite well for years.

Anyway, a few days ago I subscribed to Violet Blue's podcast. Last night as I was going to bed I got a hankering to check out some of the podcasts I've downloaded recently but never actually played. So, as I lay there getting ready to go to sleep I listened to the short Loveline podcast and then moved on to Violet's. I didn't know what to expect, other than having read an entry by Monk about her where he mentions her voice. Oh, and having watched the video of him tying her up (which was the first time I've ever watched anyone actively playing with rope... and found it fascinatingly hot).

So I lay down to listen, my smartballs firmly in place as I was working on the old Kegels while listening to the podcasts. Well. Needless to say my choice of Violet and smartballs was brilliant. As I lay there squeezing... squeezing... squeezing... I found myself listening to the erotic story she was reading and getting really pretty excited. I started idly masturbating and it wasn't long before the sensations had built up too much to be quite so idle. I strained toward orgasm and somehow, inexplicably, managed to cum right about the same time as the climax of the story.

Afterward, I listened to her finish up the podcast, talking me down from my orgasmic high. I turned off my ipod and lay in bed then contemplating what had just happened. I'd cum listening to a woman reading a bisexual (but mostly lesbian) story. Weird. I lay there afterward, feeling as if I'd just taken a new lover. The sensations of my body and the satisfaction from that orgasm was very much like that of a shared sexual experience. Not like masturbating at all.

I fell asleep sated for the first time in weeks, with a smile on my face.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Things with Trian

Trian came in and talked to me a little bit today. It was nice seeing him again. He told me a bunch of stuff going on. Including that the woman he's been seeing as a fuck-buddy type has done what he'd hoped she wouldn't do. Early on they decided to have a sexual realtionship. Apparently he's been pretty up front that they could be friends and they could have sex but it wasn't a romantic relationship. He mentioned something to her about another woman (not me) and apparently he watched her face change. Ah, jealousy. Apparently she went on to profess her feelings for him. Feelings he doesn't return even remotely. It's just too soon for that.

This is a woman I warned him about early on in our conversations. He told me he was afraid she was going to get too attached and I told him he needed to risk breaking her heart and really letting her know there was nothing there for him outside of the sex. Which he said he'd already done. At this point I want to tell him he needs to stop seeing her altogether. Because I just don't see that she's going to be able to see the difference between their fuck-buddy relationship and a romantic relationship as long as she's in and out of his bed.

Unfortunately, giving up regular, good sex is a damned hard thing to do. He's had to do a lot of hard things lately. Hopefully he'll be able to figure this one out for himself....

Meanwhile, he looked vaguely sheepish and asked me what my schedule was this week. I told him and he told me, obviously referring to the fact that I haven't been invited back to his place that "it's just been hard." I shrugged, unable to communicate my vague sense of hurt and irritation. He thinks he's different from other men... and he is... but he shares that annoying quality of just being able to completely ignore a sex partner until he needs something from them again.... I don't know if I can even express it properly here. What's in my head. But it's annoying to me in a way only men can be. None the less, I do understand he's going through a lot of drama in his life and I'm not looking to add to it. I'm not going to be around long enough for any of it to matter, really.

Anyway. So that's the latest on Trian.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Being Open....

So while I was at work this cute navy boy came into the store. Did I mention he was cute? I rang him up and sent him on his way. He started to walk away then wandered back. I was reasonably sure he had something else to say and the way he was hovering before actually engaging me in conversation made it pretty clear to me which direction this was bound to go.

"So, how did you get a job on a military base?" he asked me. A VERY clever question, if you ask me. The vast majority of the people who do my job are either wives or children of the military. A few are divorcees but generally that's limited to the older, asian women. I don't think I look like the child of a military person, so he should have probably put two and two together... but he did ask. So I mentioned my husband is in the service.

We had more of a conversation, perhaps just him trying to cover his ass and then he left. And I was left thinking about how else it could have gone. And how I could have made it head into a more acceptable direction.

The biggest problem with being in a open marriage for me is finding and actually engaging worthwhile sexual partners. As in the case of this guy, I'm occasionally approached by men I'm attracted to who start with (what I consider) the wrong question: "are you married." My answer is, obviously "yes."

It sort of puts the onus on me. I get to figure out if what I'm dealing with is ACTUALLY a guy coming on to me or just my ego getting out of control. Which is really being put in the position of deciding if I want to take the chance of being wrong and sounding like I'm coming on to a guy... even though I'm married. The other problem is how to express my situation without giving out TMI or sounding crazy.

This is especially hard with the clever guys who're trying to avoid rejection. I appreciate their cleverness and I very much feel their desire to avoid rejection. However, it just makes it that much harder for me to NOT reject them. Very frustrating.

The internet is much easier.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Just another day.

So MP actually got in contact with me again last night. He told me he wanted to see if we could find a way to get together again, at least once before I leave. I'm really pleased. I had fun with him and could use another good fucking. This time with the intent to cum. I also told him he fucking needs to buy bigger condoms. Well, I tried to be more polite than that. However, I did let him know. He also asked me to leave him some feedback on AFF, which I did. I'm obedient if nothing else.

So we got to chatting and he reminded me that I once offered to give him a blow job in the store. Which is entirely true. He said he wanted to take me up on it, if I was still willing. In fact he'd offered to fuck me in the store, but I previously told him I just wasn't terribly comfortable with that and that remains true. Not to mention I swear the man tries to time himself perfectly to coincide with my period. When I'm most horny... and least available. I told him the offer still stood and he asked when. I gave him the two most recent and likely options. This Friday or next Friday. He choose today.

He showed up right about closing time. We talked for a couple of minutes and then I told him "look, I don't really have too much time. I imagine you don't either." He smiled at that and asked me where I wanted to do it. I looked around and finally pointed out that the office had a chair, if he wanted to sit down. And then he kind of floored me (because I'm so easy to floor) by pointing out that it was a good place for ME to sit. I stared at him surprised "wow, I hadn't even thought about me." Which kind of made me a little sad and embarrassed. We went back into the office and I sat down and watched him begin to strip part way. He took off his utility belt, setting it carefully on the floor before leaning over to kiss me.

MP is not the greatest kisser in the world, if you ask me. That particular honor will certainly almost always rest on the lips of the Ex. However, MP is pretty fucking good at it and I find myself utterly intoxicated by the feel of his lips against mine and his tongue in my mouth. I found myself pushing back against him, wanting badly to be on a bed where I could move on top of him, rubbing and pressing myself against him as our tongues met. Instead, I let my fingers slide over his arms and shoulders, hearing him open his pants. I reached down, taking his cock in my fingers as soon as it was free.

I broke the kiss so I could look at his cock again. My fingers wrapped around it, I was once again impressed by his thickness. Before long I took him deep into my mouth and began sucking him. After a few moments I suggested he sit on the desk so he could relax more completely and I could have better access. He agreed, taking a seat as I went back to sucking his cock.

I teased him a little, but it was more about hurrying things along. There was something vaguely clinical about it... but at the same time I had a really good time. He came after just a few minutes with the same "oh... yeah... right there..." kind of encouragement letting me know he was getting close which made me try harder. I kept his cock in my mouth until he finished cumming.

Afterward, I watched him re-dress and I went to grab my flavored water to wash the cum out of my mouth. We talked for a couple of minutes as I smiled at his post-orgasm reaction. It's funny to see someone who's just cum try to recover from the experience. Funny and really fucking hot. He said he was really looking forward to spending another full evening with me so we could enjoy ourselves more fully. Which just made me want to throw him down on something sturdy and fuck the hell out of him right there. I love a man who wants me....

I still need to get fucked. But at least I got to handle a nice cock again.

Oh, and I told husband if I get fired... that'll be the reason and please don't be surprised....

I was really disappointed, though, because that customer who keeps coming on to me didn't come in. And his quietly whispered "I don't think you understand how much I want you" (which I think was actually his exact wording rather than what I wrote yesterday) keeps fucking echoing in my head over and over and over. Who doesn't want to be wanted like that?!? His plan to get me into bed has worked. I want him. I didn't before, but I really fucking do NOW.

Of course, it's also that time of the month and I'm super horny. But I'm pretty sure I'd want him anyway. And he can HAVE me.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Trian came in today. He wasn't in the vast majority of the day so I sent him a text message asking if perhaps he was afraid of the rain? He showed up about 20 minutes later and winked at me. He had his friend with him, his "body guard" as I call him, so there was no conversation, although he stayed behind for a second to say something. Unfortunately a customer walked up so he cut himself off on his first word and basically left However, I sent him a message thanking him for at least coming to visit. He sent me one back saying something like that I was in an abnormally good mood today and he'd see me tomorrow.

Me? Good mood?

The funny thing is just before he sent me that final message one of my other customers had stopped in. The one I accidentally came on to a while back and who's since continued to come into the store on a not-very-regular basis in order to come on to me. I was working on re-organizing a section of the peg wall when I saw him coming in. I don't remember too much of the conversation specifically because much of it was experienced in a haze of hormones, fatigue, and shock. So, I can only cover the highlights.

Like when my favorite bitchy man-customer came into the store and in response to some comment he overheard told me "it's NOT always about you." I stared hard at him and told him "shut up and go away" and he did (snarkily, but that's how we relate to one another). So the customer who keeps flirting with me said quietly, "I'd make it ALL about you." And I actually got wet just from those couple of words. Fuck. I'm easy.

When there was no one else around he mumbled something to me. I said "what?" and he repeated his mumble, looking around to make sure no one could overhear. So then I leaned way toward him and said "what?" again. He said quietly, "you have no idea how much I want you." Yeah. He said that. Out loud. To me. I smiled and said something like "you're right. I don't. And I can't imagine why you would." Stupid, I know... but c'mon. And his response was "different strokes" or some such garbage. I sighed and told him "that was SO totally the wrong answer." Fuck, just about ANYTHING else would have been better. I stared at him a long moment and I considered actually giving him my number just then. But I didn't. Because I'm a damned fool.

He ended up leaving a bit after that, but I did tell him I'll be moving in a month. Maybe he'll come back again soon. Next time I'll give him my number. And maybe I'll end up with a worthwhile story to tell....

Oh hormones...

I got my period this morning. It caught me off guard. I mean, I really was half expecting to skip this month. Apparently, though, my body just felt like messing with me. Obviously I don't know it half as well as I think I do. Maybe that was it's plan all along. Considering the brain is a long-term inhabitant of the body, you'd think the body would be more up front about things that are going on. Unfortunately, it's really not. I feel a vague sense of constant war between my personality and my body. Each trying to control the other. I'm pretty sure my body is winning the war. PMS being an excellent example....

I sent a text to Whit last night but he never answered. Still hasn't. It's generally the night before I get my period that I become voraciously horny. I might very well have torn that boy apart if he'd have given me a call back. Instead I ended up masturbating and quite enjoying myself. Not as good as fucking but what can I do?

Trian on the other hand DID actually text me yesterday. When he came into the store I saw him but was in a different area. I barely caught a glance of him and that was all. A while later he came in again and I could have said something but chose to ignore him instead. The third time he came in (which is about 1 time more than is normal for him) I started to ignore him but ended up standing directly in front of him, about ten feet apart. "Didn't I forbid you to come in here?" I asked, teasingly. He smiled at that.

Later in the evening I thought to check my phone and sure enough he'd texted me twice. Once to ask "no hello?" and the second to ask a similar question. Despite the fact it was now about 6 hours later I texted him back letting him know I was punishing him, etc. Just a couple of texts back and forth but I think we're on good terms again. The important part was that he'd finally not only added me to his fucking cell list but that he'd taken the time to text me on his own. Exactly the thing to do to get me over my bitterness.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I figure it must be about that time of the month. Although I suspect I may be skipping it this month. Or the hormones are just trying to fuck with me. That happens often, too.

My "hot date" for tonight turned out to be a bit of a no-show. Well, he showed up online at about 9 in the evening. Told me he had internet problems. Apparently for about the last three days. Conveniently. And wouldn't I still like to come over? Oh no. Oh no. We're not starting any sort of relationship (sexual or otherwise) on those kinds of terms. Fuck that. He had the gall to tell me I'm not very forgiving. He's right, of course. When it comes to being stood up and/or ignored you're fucking right I'm not very forgiving.

I sent a text message to Trian. I figured I'd been somewhat less than kind last time I talked to him and should at least give the man some kind of encouragement. He sent me back a text asking me who I was. What the fuck? He did not just send me that text message. But he did. Apparently he didn't even bother to save my number in his phone. Nice.

Whit would have been up for seeing me. It's been a while. But by this time I was not in the best of moods. I went upstairs and cried for a while. One of my dogs came up and snuggled with me (falling quickly asleep) and I cried some more that he was the only one that really wanted to be near me (and then only because I was in bed and he could crawl under the covers). And then I got up and did some cleaning and pretty much was done feeling sorry for myself.

I'm a little frustrated with things, needless to say. And I'm pretty sure my hormones are fucking with my mind. Hate that.

Love Hate

I have this love hate relationship with the shower. Just like any child and the bathtub, I never want to get in. But once I'm in... I really don't want to get out. This is most especially true of showers taken at odd times during the day. I'm pretty solidly a morning-shower-er. Any morning after the alarm goes off I can pretty immediately be found stumbling toward the bathroom, towel in hand. However, if the alarm doesn't go off because I'm off work that day... I wake up and lay in bed, mentally complaining about the general unfairness of the world and how there's a million things I'd rather do than shower. Meanwhile, if I end up taking an afternoon shower for whatever reason... it is often one of the most pleasurable, sensual experiences ever.

And why am I talking about this? Because I just went through the whole "I don't WAAAAAANT to shower" thing. And then did. And it was nice. As usual.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to have a "hot date" for tonight. He asked me early on about people I've met via AFF canceling on me in real life. He asked me if that was fairly common and what my experiences with it were. Mostly non-existent to tell the truth. But it happens. I promised him I wasn't the sort to cancel without either a good reason or at least some warning. Based on the fact that I haven't heard from him in a couple of days, one must assume I should have taken his questions about the flakiness of the folks on AFF as a warning that he, too, is flaky rather than concern on his part that I might be.

So he may or may not contact me today, but the lack of contact in the last couple of days irritates me something terrible.

Lastly, yesterday husband and I lazed around for most of the day, making up for the day-trip we took on Saturday. He was upstairs, gathering up some needed laundry. I followed him and sprawled out on the bed trying to look inviting. He joined me and we snuggled sideways on the bed, under the covers. I let my hand drift down to the crotch of his shorts. I rubbed it slowly, tentatively, letting my fingers do equal work on his balls as on the shaft. I got him hard. Very hard. Then I snuggled up closer. I didn't try to kiss him. I just wanted to make sure I could still make him hard, even if it was all manual stimulation.

We lay in bed for a while after that, the dogs joined us, snuggling close, too. There was no sleep. There was no sex. But it was closeness. Eventually, I got up and we went downstairs, life returning to normal once again.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Boring blog....

Trian messaged me last night. I think he was trying to ask me for a get together this weekend. I pretended not to see the question. At least, not at first. I'll almost certainly get together with him again. Maybe as early as this weekend. Maybe if I beg convincingly. Who knows. Sad day when I have a to beg a man for sex. My life has been full of a lot of sad days, I think.

Meanwhile, Whit's losing his computer access for a while. Apparently his computer wasn't really his and he's giving it back. I do happen to have the lap top which I COULD lend him but I so totally don't trust people not to steal. Although I could totally get his ass in big trouble if he did attempt to steal it. Making me look like the town slut... but at least I'd have my computer back.

I kind of feel like going out of town this weekend. Not sure if we will, but it seems like it'd be a great weekend to visit the beach. THAT idea pleases me to no end....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Always thinking.

It seems to me during the first half of my work shift I think of at least two or three topics I'd like to write about. By the last half I've forgotten them. It's very annoying.

Last night I went to bed much later than I should have. The last thing I did before I went to bed was take a good long look at the Rabbit Habit vibe. And my favorite lube. I'm seriously considering trying the Rabbit. 90% of accounts of it say it's great. I'm not convinced it'd be great for me but I feel like I want to try.

Afterward I grabbed my bullet vibe and headed upstairs. Husband knew I had the bullet vibe with me and knew I was going to bed. It doesn't take a genious to put two and two together. Instead he followed me up to bed. While I agree it was late for either of us to go to bed I found it really fucking annoying that he'd so effectively prevent me from masturbating. Yes, I could have done it in front of him (and have) but seeing as he's essentially given up his husbandly rights to my sexuality I find myself not terribly interested in sharing that with him at all.

So to sleep I went. Irritated. But I get the house to myself for a few hours this afternoon....

Monday, September 04, 2006

Craving Cock

Considering the last couple of times I've been with me I've been left feeling very unsatisfied... I'm way fucking horny for some cock. Some really hard, thick, lasting cock.

I'm increasingly bitter and angry. And I swear to god there's no better way for a guy to ensure I never have an orgasm with him than for him to tell me about his last amazing partner who could have 20 million orgasms with him. Well, fuck. That ain't me and if you realish that soooooooo very much (instead of my one very elusive orgasm) then go fucking get her because I won't cum for you.

I mean, it's not like I really resent other women having orgasms... but I feel like my lack of ability to have them easily is a problem. And it makes it even harder to have the god damned things. For a while there I was in a place where it didn't bother me at all. But I appear to have lost that place. And all the sexual confidence I had before, too. And it's frustrating as fuck.

I'm just frustrated. Very, very frustrated.

Frank (from my traumatic experiences last year) messaged me the other day and asked me if I was ever going to be willing to get with him again. I told him no. Especially because I'm moving cross country shortly. But I found myself remembering how fucking awesome he was in bed. Talk about a confidence booster. He's a bad, bad man. But the man could fuck....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The rest of the night with Trian.

So Trian and I talked. A lot, while I was there. Among the things I discovered is that at least briefly his wife had a blog. Here. Oh. Umm. I asked him if she knew that he knew it existed. He told me she did. But later amended that when she found out he knew she deleted it. Which made me very quiet for a moment. Then he told me something she'd written and I had to point out that blogs are not gospel and we don't always mean some of the things we write.... But it's really hard to express that to someone who's not naturally a diary keeper. I considered mentioning my own but I really figure it's best not to arouse any curiosity in that department so I bit my tongue. Were he entirely cognizant of me at that moment (and not likely distracted by other thoughts) he probably could have figured it out based on reaction. And he's already come in contact with the name I used on this blog before. A quick search....

Anyway. Whatever.

So we talked. In the dark of his house, in front of the TV. At last he moved toward me. I knew what was coming. I was hard pressed to decide what to do. I really wasn't there for that. But... I kind of was. I mean, I was pretty sure it was coming and to pretend otherwise would be foolish. I just wasn't convinced that was what I really wanted from him but... then his lips were on mine.

This ranks right up there with one of the weirdest kisses I've ever experienced. Mark used to nibble at my lips frustrating the hell out of me. The other guy stuck his tongue in my mouth and didn't move. At all. Just tongue. Trian pressed his lips against mine and... didn't move. At all. nothing. I smiled against his lips feeling vaguely awkward. With no guidance I find myself unsure as to how to kiss back. For all I know he was waiting to see what I'd do, hoping to take guidance from me. Whatever the case, it was vaguely awkward. I took control and deepened the kiss.

Moments later I felt his hand on my breast. I found myself smiling against his mouth again, I let out a little laugh as I thought that's SO typically male. Go STRAIGHT for the tits. He pulled back and asked "what?" So I told him exactly that, with a small laugh in my voice. Then he asked "do you want to go upstairs?" I momentarily considered saying "no," still, thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea... but... so I said yes.

We went up the dark stairs into his dark bedroom. Another candle. I try to imagine what exactly he was thinking in his head as he lit the candle, You know, just in case. Or was he more assured than that? I looked around the darkened bedroom taking it in when he asked "did you want me to turn on the light?" I glanced up at the light and said "no" even as he flicked it on. Of course, I was looking right at it. I laughed and he laughed with me, "sorry, you were too slow with the 'no' " he told me. I told him about the last time I was with Whit and how he'd done something evilly similar.

I sat down on the bed then and he came back over to stand in front of me. His mouth found mine again. Shortly after we were both naked and I was pleasantly surprised by the size of his cock. I'd certainly been expecting something far less impressive. His fingers found their way to my clit and he began rubbing it gently. It felt nice. Better than I'd expected. I mostly ignored it, though, touching and playing with his body. He told me I smelled good. He told me I was very wet for him and he liked that. He asked me if I liked the way he was touching me and I nodded shyly, until his fingers found just the wrong spot. "Mmm... not there," I whispered. "Where?" he asked. I was quiet. "Tell me where," he asked again and I felt myself just completely freeze. "I... uh... don't know...." He didn't accept the answer, asking again, "it's okay, just tell me where." I wanted to tell him, I did. But I answered "I don't know. Really." Again. I never know. Not really. I mean, how do I teach a guy to make me cum?

This was the part that sticks in my head so strongly. Here was a man willing (and clearly able) to touch me however I wanted and I found myself unable to share that part of my self with him. I still find myself frustrated with my reaction. My complete lack of willingness to tell him forced me to change the focus. I moved back on the bed and had him join me there.

I watched him grab a condom, getting it ready. And I thought isn't that a bit soon? Luckily, he didn't put it on and I took him into my mouth after he climbed onto the bed. After I got him close a few times he asked if I wanted him inside me and I considered but realized how really close he was. And how much fucking I REALLY like. "I don't think that'd be fair to me," I finally said, confusing him. "I think I've gotten you close too many times," I explained. He nodded. Finally I asked him " what if I don't want to swallow?" He told me he'd never really cared much one way or the other and I could use the bathroom behind him or he could get a tshirt. Or a towel. Or a tissue. I went back to what I was doing and when he came (an incredible orgasm, I might add) I swallowed.

Afterward he lay back for a while and relaxed, not reaching for me. "Basking," he told me. Finally he asked if I'd perhaps brought anything with me which he could use to satisfy me. I had not, and hadn't even considered the idea. And so I got none. Nothing. At all.

So we talked for a while, naked on the bed before eventually getting dressed and heading downstairs. Down there we talked a lot longer. And then I went home. As I left he gave me another chaste kiss and asked if he'd see me (at work) on Tuesday. I told him he would and haven't heard from him since.

Thus my irritation. Much as I think Trian is a nice guy (and often a door mat) I find myself irritated by the lack of manners when it comes to the post-nookie message. Or maybe that's just a "thing" with me. Especially when I got nothing out of it other than a long talk and a mouth full of cum...

Saturday, September 02, 2006

You know...

a lesson any man can learn is that if they have a sex partner and they want to KEEP that sex partner... it's really nice if said man gives a girl a call back after the first night of sex (and some of the subsequent ones, too). Just a quick email, text, note, message, something saying "hey, thanks for the good time." NSA sex or not, it just makes a girl feel good.

I wish more guys would learn that.

The pre story.

So when I spent part of the day yesterday talking to Trian. He was bored at work so he came to the store and talked to me for a very long time. It was really interesting and really distracting. I got nothing done. Luckily, I'm the next person to work in the store so only I'll really know how little I did. Regardless, we talked for a very long time. About a lot of things. Other women, mostly, it seems like.

He told me he could spend the evening with the woman he's been entertaining for a few weeks but he kind of didn't want to and was thinking about telling her "no". I let some time pass before I finally asked him if perhaps he'd like to spend the evening with me. He considered and then told me "well, tonight I have this thing-" I cut him off utterly floored and offended and told him "you can't sit there and tell me you don't want to go see this other woman and pretend you suddenly have something planned you want to do. If you don't want to, I'm okay with that. I know you didn't want to be alone and I know you weren't all that excited about seeing her. But telling me 'no' isn't going to break my heart. You wouldn't be the first guy I've asked out in this store and been refused by. It's NOT a big deal."

A few moments later a customer came in and Trian excused himself to the bathroom. When he came back he told me that he'd be okay with spending the evening with me but "what do you want to do?" I shrugged and told him "I don't really know." "okay... but... what kind of plans do you have?" I shrugged again and told him I wasn't terribly picky. I could see he was getting vaguely frustrated which is when I recognized what he was actually asking. "Oh, I'm not trying to seduce you or anyhing! I just like talking to you." He smiled at that and asked " do you want to come over to my place?" "Sure," I said. He gave me directions and asked what time. We agreed upon a time and he added "that way you can get something to eat, take a shower, and relax..."

He left shorly afterward and I thought "...take a shower...?" Wondering if he'd actually heard me say "I'm trying to seduce you" rather than what I'd ACTUALLY said which was "I'm NOT trying to seduce you." However, being the good and obediant woman I am, when I got home I took a shower. You never know, afterall.

And then I headed out.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Not to put too fine a point on it...

but I ended up spending the evening with Trian.

Very... interesting.

Among the things I've discovered about Trian is the more time I spend in his company, the more I learn about myself.