Lucky

One of the things that makes me feel very lucky is the fact that several of my former lovers have chosen to remain a part of my life, at least in a small sense, even after the sexual play has stopped. While there are a few I'd love to get naked with, I'm thrilled that I'm apparently the sort of person who can keep ex lovers as friends and acquantences without the awkwardness that seems so common after sex.

I just wish I were so lucky as to have one of the ones I really want to be fucking come live near me. Or you know, any of them, really....

Flirt

One of the things I've most enjoyed in my dealings with various men is flirting. At my current job I don't get to flirt much. I tend to do better with men I see on a regular basis and kind of get to know. I don't get much of that where I work. Lots of lesbians... but that's just not my style.

So, I miss it terribly. I read about Pluff Mud and his flirtation with Taylor (see the last half of the post) and I find myself supremely jealous. I can feel all the excitement and longing vicariously... but it's just not the same as being there. I absolutely adore the pleasure of having a crush and pushing things just a little bit further.... the uncertainty excites me.

(I asked husband to spell "uncertainty" because I was having a moment. He spelled it for me at which point he added "It's important to spell things right when you smack talk me." I think he thinks I ALWAYS write bad things about him or something. I really try not to. Of course I DO write bad things... but god damn. I try to make this blog mostly about ME, thank you very much. Because I'm just that god damned cool).

So, yeah. I'm jealous. So fucking jealous. I miss getting to flirt with Sam and even good ol' Nils. And all those other fine pieces of ass I used to gaze at longingly....

Hearing from Martin

I heard from Martin for the second (third?) time this week. He's apparently in a town much closer to me than usual. He's been telling me how horny he is. I've been telling him how very much I understand his problems. There's something about being in a hotel room in a strange town that gets me hot and wet and wanting. And generally leaves me frustrated night after night. That's what Martin's dealing with.

Conversation inevitable turned toward sex. The things we did. The things we didn't do. Things ending. All that. I guess I never did ask some of the questions I wanted to, things that confused me way back when, things I wonder about now.... But we chatted and I learned a little more than I knew even a year ago. I feel better for it.

We talked about seeing each other again. I turned him down last time, utterly disgusted with him for being so willing to cheat on the love of his life. This time, though, I give. I understand, though he didn't say it. If he ever visits this area... well... we'll undoubtedly see one another naked again.

I went back and read a bunch of what I'd written about him. About the various years of wanting him. Of the sex we had. The way I felt. And a few things came to mind... I write kindly about my lovers here. The way I tend to remember the nights, focusing on the good. I found myself caught up in the last night we were together. After I'd been with Keith.

And you know, I'm grateful to Keith. I'm grateful that he taught me something new about sex, and fucking, and letting go a little more. Keith has made me a better lover and Martin benefited from it. In fact, its the pleasurable lesson of expressing oneself and enjoying another's pleasure that Keith taught me and that Martin remembers most vividly, as it turns out.

And now, the Nyquil has me in its grip.....

The time has come...

for many people to close down their blogs. And for me to delete them from my blog roll. I hate doing it, but once they're gone there isn't much point in going back again and again hoping. It seems like no one who stops writing really gets back into the writing thing when they say they will.

Obviously, my own sex blog has taken a drastic swing toward the mundane and boring. Outlived it's usefulness, I suppose. For those in the know, this is the kind of post that generally frees the writer from further updates. This is the sort of post that sits on the top of a blogger's blog for a month or so until the blogger comes back and says "the end" or just deletes it.

This is not, however my intention. Actually, my intention is to point out that I need some more interesting reads. It feels like so many bloggers are slowing down or going away and it makes me sad. So if anyone has some absolute favorites I haven't seen, please feel free to point me in their direction....

Better?

B said...
Always fun being out of work. I'm hoping he finds a job to
focus all of his energies on soon.Sounds like Keith interests you but you'd like
something better. Would you consider someone else?Best of luck....

I hope he finds a job soon, too. I'm not holding my breath quite yet.

I'm not really sure there's someone out there better than Keith. I mean, in some ways my husband is better, in some ways Keith is. I'm not sure there's really, honestly someone out there who's a realistic mix of the two. Keith is, without a doubt, my sexual god. When I think about him, I think about how completely sexual, open, honest, and free I feel with him. While I've had lots of sex in my life with a variety of people he's surely the only one I felt really, truly free to ask and demand things of without worry of judgement or shame. I've honestly, never in my life had better sex and I don't really think it does get better than that. Being with him, I think, has made me capable of being a much better lover, made me want to be as giving, willing, and open to new experience as he is.

On the other hand, he lives very, very far away. I've only spent two nights with the man. We've never shared real "quality" time other than those nights. I can't vouch for the realism of the fantasies I've laid on him outside of bed.

It's definitly irrational. It's not particularly smart.

But DOES it get better? I'm not sure.

Would I consider someone else? Sure. I have. No one, so far, has been able to impress me though.

Ow. I blame him.

So I'm one of those people who's never really been terribly regular when it comes to my period. It's not uncommon for several months to pass without me bleeding at all. This suits me just fine. I don't generally suffer much more for having missed several months in a row, so really I only benefit from it.

However, when I get regular sex I tend to become regular again. It's god's way of laughing at me. When I'm getting laid, I end up with several days out of the month when I'm horny but generally too sensitive to actually have sex.

Here I have been delighfully blood-free for months. And I swear to god as soon as I've start having regular INTERNET contact with Keith... I bleed. While I admit there might be some kind of coincidence... I'm not convinced the two aren't related.

The dogs woke me up early so....

I'm tired, I feel vaguely sick (because I'm tired?) but overall, I'm doing great. For the most part. Who knows. I'm too tired to remember.

I've started hearing from Keith again. I wouldn't call it regularly, but it's close enough for government work. I mean, I rather had a hint that he was back what with his earlier comment on my blog... but I dared not hope. He never does call himself Keith but I've spent so much time referring to him as such that I actually had to pause the other day and try to remember his REAL name. Which is rather funny seeing as I've whispered it quietly to myself, repeatedly, when masturbating. You'd think it'd be hard to forget.

Which brings me back to my rather strange obsession with the man. I find it vaguely annoying, really. It's irrational and stupid. But in a way, that's part of what I like, I suppose.

I got to see him on webcam for the first time in a year or more and it suddenly reminded me of how much my life has changed in the last 6 months. Keith's changed a bit from what I remember him looking like. He's still very much the same person, but far more clean cut than he was before (which isn't to say he looked the hippie, let me tell you). Regardless I found myself vaguely transfixed, having forgotten how different military men look from their civilian counterparts.

This, of course, reminds me of how god damned lucky I was to live on a military base and work with military men for the sole reason that there were so god damned many of them. I fucking LOVED the odds. Being a woman I have a pretty good chance of prettily easily finding someone who wants to fuck me. The odds were considerably better 6 months ago that the guy in question would also happen to be someone I wanted to fuck. Which isn't to say I couldn't do that now, if I was willing to put forth the time and effort. However, I'm still not terribly inclined.

Life is going much better for me, mentally than it was. Husband, on the other hand, is still dealing with unemployment and the fact that we're in a new part of the country without him having a lot of friends or chances to meet new ones. Not being terribly social in the first place, he's at a disadvantage and certainly feels isolated. Me running off to fuck others wouldn't really help with the problem so I'm using that as an excuse to not do so. Not to mention I haven't felt like it for months... that's changing a little right now... but it's still at a manageable level.

On the other hand, with Keith back and talking to me again I find my desires once again focused on him (it's sort of like my hormones finding magnetic north). It's ridiculous, really. But it keeps me out of trouble. Mostly.....