Monday, September 29, 2008

Just a quick note

So since I last wrote husband has been to see his girlfriend a few more times. Things are still kind of weird but I don't find it infecting our daily life too much. It's funny, though, listening to him sounding a heck of a lot like I used to when I was seeing my lovers. "I'll stop if you want me to... nothing's worth upsetting you" etc etc etc.

We really haven't had sex since he got himself a girlfriend. In a sense that means he's being faithful to her. That does not please me. On the other hand I find myself remembering how very BORING sex was with husband once I'd had a taste of a new lover. Sex with him was a consolation prize (though I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way) and I can only imagine he feels the same way about me. I told him the other day "I don't want to be your second choice." Nevermind how many times I'd have rather been fucking my lover than him. It's not so pretty being on the other side of that coin.

We took a week of vacation and he spent two nights of it with her. I actually dropped him off at her house. There was a potential for me to actually SEE her but I tried very hard not to. I don't really want to see or know. I drove off as soon as I was sure he was going to get inside. When he came back... it was back to life as usual. Except we were still on vacation.

Vacation. So lovely.

Monday, September 08, 2008


Husband's and my sex life has been confusing at best. While he was out of the country we agreed to let things be non-exclusive so our needs could be met. I took FULL advantage (even being called a slut in a NOT very nice way by a coworker whom I'd shared many details with). Husband was less devoted to the idea and merely made out with some chick. He would have taken it further had she not had misgivings. Whatever. Upon his return we agreed to keep our open relationship. Neither of us did anything outside the marriage at that time for quite a while. And then husband's libido dropped off. So I went looking. What followed is mostly chronicled here.

Lots of very good and very average sex with many men. Husband remained mostly celibate. He had a one night stand shortly after coming back into the country all those years ago. And that was that for him. Our very, very infrequent coupling was more than enough to satisfy him. My advances were regularly met with annoyance and therefore all sex stopped. Until he decided, after several years, he really wanted to have sex. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I found myself irritated and reluctant. Part of me (a very large, obvious part) found bitter pleasure in turning him down. I told him as much. For the most part he stopped his advances. More recently, though, we've been on the same page and suddenly sex has seemed like a lovely pass time.

However, during this, he's started looking for his own play thing. And actually succeeded. And that's where it gets weird.

I'm really glad he's not bugging me for sex. I'm really glad he's found someone else to pour that all into. I'm really angry that he's having sex with someone else after turning me down for so many years. I'm really curious about their "relationship." And I'm really, really not. All of a sudden the much more frequent sex we were having has completely stopped. I'm also very okay with that. Except the complete cessation has me a little concerned. And totally not.

I don't even know what to think anymore. His girlfriend is going on a long trip soon. Whatever they have going on will probably fizzle with time. Or not. Who knows? She's not really "wife" material for him so I don't feel particularly threatened. Just weird about the whole thing.

It's just odd. Very odd.