Sunday, December 30, 2007

Written but unpublished till now.

I've found myself sighing whistfully about the sybian. I loaded up some videos of it in action and found myself getting incredibly wet.

It's been a long time since I've gotten really wet without even having to touch myself a little. And really, if I'm honest my wetness had nothing to do with the sybian and everything to do with female orgasm.

There's something so fucking hot about watching another woman cumming. Years ago, when I was first getting into the idea that I could fuck whomever I want, I engaged in a lot of phone sex with men far too far away. One of my more "adventurous" calls involved a guy from the midwest named Kevin. Kevin asked if he could call me and get another girl on the line. I don't remember much of what he said, anymore, though I know he talked quite a bit. No, what drove me to orgasm, finally, was hearing her.

He informed me that "she's VERY orgasmic" even as he encouraged her to her next orgasm. Me, well, I've never been all that orgasmic. However, after reaching my first orgasm around the time of her first, and listening to her building toward a second orgasm, I found myself in the midst of my own second, unlikely orgasm. I came hard, of quietly, shyly depriving them of the pleasure of hearing me cum as I listened intently to her moans.

Once she came a second time he gently disengaged me from the call, telling me he wanted some private time with her, or something like that and I lay on my bed afterward entirely sure I could have had a continued series of orgasms had he only been willing to let us both stay on the line.

After that call, I considered briefly and finally cold called another of my willing phone sex partners who graciously (and gratefully) accompanied me to a third very neccessary orgasm.

Oddly, I don't have particularly strong urges to have sex with another woman. However, I imagine should I ever "accidentally" find myself in the position to do so, it might be a very, very long night.

Adventures in Toyland

I've sent off for a new toy. Well, actually a pair of new toys. Well, really, two versions of the same thing.

I will soon be the possessor of my very own "rabbit" vibrator.

Unfortunately, when I say "soon" I'm pretty sure I don't even mean THIS WEEK. But, you know, eventually. Especially with new years day falling in the middle of all this. *sigh*

I'm hopeful the wait will be well worth the pay off. Preferably, repeated pay offs.

Thursday, December 27, 2007


I spent much of the Christmas holiday with family. At one point we spent some time with my husband's family. At which point my entirely way too fucking hot relative by marriage insisted on calling me, repeatedly, by my relation name to himself. "Hey, cuz," he would say, pointedly, even as I envisioned ripping his clothes off his body and making him my love slave.

He is not my cousin. He is not a relative of mine at all. There is no blood between us. Body fluids would be fine, but no familial blood.

So I spent several days fantasizing about his hard, naked body. This all just before my period, the horniest time in my month. I was finally unable to resist any longer and found myself masturbating furiously, envisioning his fingers and mouth and all the wonderful things I'd make him do with them. Far from home and sadly without any of my normal implements of pleasure I found myself with a hair brush handle buried in my pussy and my fingers stroking my clit in earnest. I came like I haven't in a long time and lay panting on the bed for several minutes after, knowing he was no more than about 20 feet from me the entire time.

No doubt he knows I want him. Not to keep, just to fuck a few times....

Besides my taboo fantasies, husband managed to fuck me for several minutes for the first time in... well... I don't know how long it's been. We could only manage the slowest, most tender sex, though, because the bed kept creaking and there were too many witnesses in the house. I was terribly disappointed. But it felt so god damned good to be filled again, to feel cock inside me for those few minutes....

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Gay-ass porn

While all of my roomies were gone, I raided my gay roomie's porn cabinet for some amusement. He gave me permission to borrow, though I wasn't sure that he meant it. Still, he said it and I left only fingerprints so I don't feel too badly about it. In fact, given the stunning quality of the movie, I must say I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

As it turns out, men in gay porn are hot. My roomie and I have the same taste in men and his porn collection stunningly depicts this fact. It was really, really sexy. I was so pleased.

I'm going to be very sad when he moves out.

Monday, December 03, 2007


Yesterday I spent a very large chunk of my day with a very charismatic gay man. Reasonably attractive, he has the confidence of a much better looking man... but none of the ego.

And it was irresistible.

I'm a horny girl, I'll give you that. Horny and unfucked for a very, very long time. So I'm particularly susceptible to seduction.

I got up early this morning and masturbated, having a very fast, very satisfying orgasm. That is how much the guy stirred me up. I couldn't NOT masturbate. I had to scratch that particular itch. I feel more normal now. More able to control my loins and my thoughts.

Anyway, the whole point to this... and the conversation I had with my sister is the following... how does one actually become that charismatic? There has to be a way to create that. My sister thinks some people are just born that way. I think that may be true to a point. But not completely true. I think there must be a lot more to it than just genetics or some kind of early socialization. There simply has to be a way to learn it, doesn't there?

There are a ton of books on the subject. But really, if they worked wouldn't so many more of us be charismatic?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Cock Watching

So the other day my coworker got something on his pants. Which required him to spend a while wiping at his crotch. And left me with a valid reason to stare at his crotch and giggle. Except I just kept thinking "it's just so... big...." Staring at his cock through his pants I imagined it looks just like that of "the ex." The same curve and broadness. So obvious. I'm so jealous he's wasting it on some guy. Some person who isn't ME....

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Blog on, dude!

It's funny how taking a long while off from posting makes coming up with titles for posts much easier. Even if they don't always make sense.

Anyway. I looked in the mirror, after reading a recent comment, and realised I very much live in the past. Not ALL the time. But enough of it. Isn't that the human condition?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Just Long Enough

I swear Keith comes around just long enough to make me... well... long for him. And then he goes away again. Which is all internet contact. God knows why we've never traded phone numbers once he moved back to the states. My cell number might actually even be local for him since when I got it they gave me a strange Maryland phone number and he's in that general vicinity.

Then again, god, what would we talk about? The same old rehashing of what I already know... ie we still want one another but we're too far away and boy, oh, boy weren't those some great days together....

I swear I spend great portions of my life these days longing for what used to be. I miss the crushes I had on the cops, I miss all the casual sex I had. Even some of the bad stuff. At least it was something to write about... to think about... to do....

Among my favorite activities has always been to fuck someone I "shouldn't." I slept with an officer (or two) for just that reason. And of course a couple of other "taboo" boys before I left. Some of the thrill has worn off since my husband left the military... they're not quite as taboo as they were... but I still can't help but smile a little, thinking about it. I want more of THAT. Except, as it turns out, there's less of that kind of excitement in the real world. Fewer rules.

And let's just get this one clear... I'm SOOOO not fucking anyone from work. None of them are acceptable for that purpose. Which just leaves me sad.

I do have an option of a local computer geek. I adore computer geeks, a preference dating back to my formative teenage years. But I can't bring myself to be passionately interested in him the way I'd hoped. Then again, we haven't met. There could be some major sparks. Or we could create some....

But, yeah. I'm not really sure what to do with myself, still. Other than sit and pine for my beloved Keith who is so far away, and so very kinky-sexy.

Thursday, November 22, 2007


Sometimes I think about hitting him. Hard. With his own belt, since I never wear one. I want to watch the clench of his mucles and the way his body arches away, or even toward the strap.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I give in to sin, because you have to make this life livable...

Three songs:

The Weekend-- Steve Wariner
When Will I Let Go-- Steve Wariner
Strange Love-- Depeche Mode

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Share and share...

So I told my gay housemate that if he found a nice bisexual guy I'd be very willing to share him. He laughed. I was kind of serious. But then decided that might be annoying.

I'm pretty sure my gay housemate would be willing to sleep with my husband if husband were into it. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to admit any interest. I guess that's okay because he'd probably discover that he's totally gay and that'd be the end of my marriage. Which might not be so bad because....

I spent the vast majority of the drive home from the next state over listening to random songs from my ipod and considering which ones most make me think of Keith. Whom I've been very good about NOT posting about for a very, very long time, I think.

He and I haven't had a lot of contact of late. He's a busy, independant guy with plenty to do besides have me moon at him. Which is great. But it's hard to build any sort of relationship/friendship on something like that. That doesn't mean I don't miss him and think of fucking his brains out on a regular basis.

Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm still kind of saving myself for him. I've tried sleeping around (a year ago, granted) and found it to be less than satisfying. My fantasies still pretty much revolve around him. It's sad, pathetic, and obsessive.

Meanwhile, one of the men that I work with (men in power, mind you) came walking in on his day off. He's a fairly attractive middle aged guy, smart, and rather funny. He was wearing a sweatshirt with a big red circle in the middle. I had a moment where I had to pause and take a second look. Except it wasn't what I thought it was. However, I found myself entertaining the thought and finding myself very turned on by the idea. I really liked the idea of him being into something vaguely kinky like that. Delicious. Except he's not. So... you know... nevermind. I'm over it. But there was a moment there.

Monday, November 12, 2007

And now for something completely different...

I hit 86. The sad thing is, I own several of the movies on here, but still haven't bothered to watch them. But really, despite what it says, I think a better indication of whether you have a life or not is if you take the time to #1 read this, and even more importantly... #2 do it yourself.

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
() Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
() The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(X Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
() Shrek 2
() Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old-virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Baseketball
(X) Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
(X) Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
() High Tension
() Club Dread
(X) Hulk
(X) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
() Brazil
() Contact
() Cube
() Dr. Strangelove
() Enlightenment Guaranteed
(X) Four Rooms
(X) Memento
() Pi
() Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
() Reservoir Dogs
() Run Lola Run
() Russian Ark
() Serenity
(X) Sin City
() Snatch
() Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
(X) The Village
() Waking Life
() Zatoichi
() Ikiru
() The Seven Samurai
() Brick
() Akira

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Over what?

I love spending time with my husband. We've spent a lot (a LOT) of time together of late. However, with him finding his new job (though it is temporary) he's been out of the house a lot more. I get three days off each week, and as things stand, I share only one with him. The other two seem oddly lonely.

On the other hand, I'm very thrilled to be able to spend as much time as I want masturbating myself to some delicious and much needed orgasms. It's been a good year since I've felt so free and it's fucking awesome. I mean, sure, I managed a few here and there but... seriously... it wasn't enough.

All this masturbation is, of course, putting me in the mood for some serious fucking. For whatever reason, my sister and I had a conversation about a headboard that used to belong to a gay friend, briefly to her, and then on to another fellow. All sexually active folks. "I wonder how many people have fucked over that footboard, now" she mused. Which led to further conversation of it being the perfect height to bend someone over (or be bent over, as the case may be) and fuck. Meanwhile, Pluff is muttering about bending someone over and giving them a good pounding.

I want some of that, too.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

It's back... for now.

The other day I stuck a condom on husband's penis and climbed on for a few minutes until he said I was pressing on his bladder and he really had to pee. I let him go and that was the end of that, although once he came back he wanted to keep going. I was no longer terribly interested as I hadn't been all that interested in the first place and was entirely offended by his leaving. Afterall, it may be the first time in a year he's had his cock in me. Perhaps longer than a year. However, out of a sense of charity and adoring to please cock, I did help him get off anyway.

Since before then, my libido has been back rather strongly. Unfortuantely, the type and number of men I come into contact with has dropped dramatically. Familiarity is an important part of my sense of attraction and there just aren't enough men around to keep me interested.

Meanwhile, I do work with a guy around my age. I spend a lot of time close to him, in a lot of physical proximity and occasionally touching. At times, he touches me when he doesn't technically have to. I adore it and do nothing to discourage the behavior. When he first started working with me, I kept finding myself looking at his cock through his pants. It's rather... prominent. Hard to ignore, really. I still find my attention caught by it now and again, but less often. I've learned some self control. All of this is, of course, leading up to the fact that he's totally gay. So there's nothing there at all in reality. But I can't help but be a attracted to him at times. And to think about his cock a lot.

Which really just goes to show the lacking quality of men around me. Unattractive or gay. Those are my choices. It's no wonder my coworker (who is cute, by the way) is single. Options around here appear to be way too few or too far between. Regardless of what the local kinkster bloggers seem to think.

The adult website (you know the one) is pathetically devoid of worthwhile men. Craigslist always strikes me as very, very seedy. I can't explain but it just gives me the willies. On the other hand, there are probably the same men on both sites. So whatever.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Sex Around Me

I found myself oddly attracted to a place one of my fellow bloggers hang out. And then I thought about the (small but possible) chance of running into said blogger and (god forbid) recognizing this person. And then I thought perhaps it would be best if I perhaps made a choice NOT to visit that establishment until I can guarantee I'm mature enough not to act like a star struck loser. Props to said blogger for writing well enough for me to even have the chance of being star struck. No, I won't name names because I'm that kind of loser.

Meanwhile, my sex life remains barren. I could have had sex a couple of times today with husband. It's been almost a year, now. He's apparently ready for his yearly fucking. We talked about shaving and all that sort of thing. Thinking about what he can do to make me more likely to at least suck his cock. It's funny and sad.

We talked about age and sexuality and all of that and about the fact that we're different people than we were years and years ago. He thinks maybe he's bad in bed and I told him he's proven to be very good in bed, but he's annoyingly selfish about things when it comes to sex. Not always, mind you, but often. "It's called foreplay," I told him, "and if you want to have sex with women, you should probably accept it as part of your life." He went on to tell me about a woman who doesn't like foreplay (some else's wife, he said). "But you live in the real world where the vast majority of women demand it. And the chances of you having sex with a woman like that is slim."

I doubt he took any of it to heart.

Meanwhile, my sister informed me earlier that she was having a boy over for some sex. She likes her men younger and thin. Very much the opposite of me. I'm not terribly jealous of her man. Only that she has one coming over. Dammit. Someone ELSE in this house is getting laid and it isn't ME!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I think it may have been a year since the last time I had sex. With anyone. While in some ways that seems like a very, very long time... in others it feels like time has barely passed. It's so weird.

Meanwhile, my masturbatory fun has not decreased. I finally couldn't deal with not even getting to masturbate since my husband is ALWAYS HOME and we're pretty much confined to one small room when we're here. So a few nights I waited until late when husband was asleep and found something amusing on the internet, bringing myself to orgasm not 2 feet away from him as he lay completely oblivious. The next night I did the same. The third night I informed him I was going to have an orgasm before I went to sleep and proceeded to masturbate in bed next to him. He rolled to face the opposite direction and pretend to sleep. When he thought I'd cum he turned over to look at me. I looked back at him and we stared at each other for a long moment before I said "I'm not done." "Oh, I thought you came," he said, turning back away. I finished up and turned off the light. Last night, I lay in bed while he was on the computer and quietly masturbated myself to yet another silent orgasm. I don't think he even noticed. Well, maybe but he never let on....

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Age is just a number... two.

So I figure I need to explain myself a little better. I think the assumption is that I'm afraid no one will want me anymore when I turn 30. Or now. Or something. Look, I'm not thrilled by the idea of turning 30 but I have another 11 months to cope. By the end of that time, I will hopefully find the whole thing very empowering... yada yada yada.

The thing with the age, though, is more about me when I was younger. About my views on sex and sexuality and age. As I get older I realize there are differences in maturity levels and it becomes clear that what I thought was acceptable at 19 isn't the same thing that I find acceptable at 29. While my own age preferences have gone up the IDEA of an "age preference" has become less important. At eighteen, twenty-nine seemed very mature, very sinister. Now, though, I realize that it's not SO much different. Different, yes, different enough that I don't want anything to do with eighteen year olds. That level of maturity is just... annoying. But to exclude someone because they're older than me... by some set amount... doesn't really make a lot of sense, anymore.

Turns out, maybe being "older" isn't that big of a deal.

Which isn't to say I don't still require a certain level of attractiveness. I'm a young American, after all. And there are social rules that have been drilled into me.

So now I can look at people who say they want someone no more than age 32 and shake my head in wonder at their naivety. I don't want that person. They clearly have more growing to do and if they aren't interested in me two years from now, I'm not so interested in them right now. But more importantly, who the hell says they're interested in older women, but not over 32. Who the fuck told them 33 was old and that anyone anywhere near that age (or under) would want to be described as "older"?!?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Age is just a....

So I was looking through some personal ads. Looking for hot, meaningless sex. Meaninglessly. I'm not sure I mean it.

Turns out, there are a lot of guys looking for sex. Who knew? But what surprises me the most is that I'm suddenly noticing the age limits imposed by those horny boys. "I like older women. Please don't be over 30." As I near that milestone age I'm suddenly struck by the oddity that were I mere 11 months older I'd be of no interest. 11 months. I don't think I look or feel all that different from how I looked 5 years ago. What's 11 months?

Which got me to thinking about where I draw my own lines. If 11 months are nothing... what's a few years? What's any of it in the grand scheme of things?

Not that I want an 18 year old. When I was 18 I didn't want an 18 year old... as it turns out, that hasn't changed. Well, there are exceptions. But they're few and far between.

But, yeah, so as I get older, I recognize the frustration so many men have related to me about age. It's really galling to be excluded from someone's interest merely because of a number which doesn't serve to represent me at all.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

It would appear...

that I mostly just annoy Martin at this point. And I actually totally get that. He's a pretty proactive kind of guy and it's obvious he finds my situation frustrating. Namely, he thinks I'm a total fool to still be with Husband, knowing husband doesn't fuck me. The thing is, much as I often get frustrated by the lack of sex, I'm also totally okay with it. Afterall, I never have to have sex when I don't want to. The down side being I never get to have sex when I do. However, I CAN look elsewhere for that. And it's really fucking hot to be free to fuck whomever I want without worrying too much about all the relationship drama.

Look, I admit my situation isn't ideal. But, I'm pretty sure even just 10 years from now I won't look back and think "gah, I wasted my life." Which isn't to say I won't ever think that... but I'm pretty confident I won't.

I've started looking on adultfriendfinder again hoping to stumble across someone I want. However, I've spent enough time on the site to know that doesn't happen very often to me. I'm very picky. Very, very picky.

Anyway. Off to work.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Drunk typing

I have this terrible, terrible problem that the name I deleted off this blog is still related to it, thanks to Google. Gah. I will not be terribly surprised if Martin happens across this and goes "hmmm...." I don't think it'd take much to put two and two together. Hopefully he's either got the sense to realise this isn't really "reality" in the long term sense... (think the following quote I stole off someone: it's just a stupid diary of a stupid girl) so much as my immediate thoughts and feelings about things. Obviously people change, as do their views on things. So anyway, I'm just saying what was true of before and what I thought before is not always what I think and know now. Am I making sense? Or maybe he has the sense to leave me my "privacy."

I definitely like Keith reading. Or did. I loved him knowing things about me that others in my real life couldn't and didn't. On the other hand, it's limited me about what I write about. My ongoing desire for Keith is kind of embarrassing to me and I hate the idea of him knowing the reality of how much I still want him.... except I totally do.

Yeah, I'm a little too drunk to be blogging. I might not much much sense. I have to work tomorrow, early, too. Poor planning.

But god damn I'm horny....

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


A while ago Keith informed me he'd be in my city and to please get back to him. And then... nothing. I waited to hear from him again but there was no further communication. He barely tried to get in touch with me. It was all very weird. I finally got to "talk" to him again today and as it turns out he's decided not to come visit my city. In fact, he would have come just to see me. At least, that's my take.


If a guy's willing to fly across the country just to see me, you must know that was some pretty fucking spectacular sex.

But he chickened out. Which is good since I did, too.

He keeps telling me I'm right, he and I could never work out as a couple. And I keep thinking "but..." because part of me wants nothing more than to be with him.

As it turns out, though, I'm terribly married.

But that so doesn't mean he's not the star of each and every one of my fantasies....

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Quick N' More

So, to quickly update, Husband managed to make up for his birthday faux pas and we're golden. While he's never been very birthday attentive, this was an inexplicably bad choice on his part. Way to make me feel like he thinks I don't matter at all. However, like I said, he did make up for it very nicely and all is forgiven. So long as it doesn't happen again.

Meanwhile, we spent some time with some of Husband's extended family. At one point the two of us were alone with an older male relative of his. And he insisted on telling us a story about learning to use the internet. I saw where the story was going very early in the conversation and had to walk away in horror for a few moments so I could pull myself together. But I simply HAD to hear the story just so I had something to write about! The story went on to be about one of the other older male relatives teaching him how to find porn in the internet and his own abortive attempt to find porn without his wife finding out.

Oh my god. I know my own generation didn't invent sex, but there are some things that are best left in the closet! On the other hand, it both amuses and gives me hope that as I grow older I'll still enjoy sex and sexuality as much as I have for years.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Is that a joke?

The other day was my birthday.

A woman came into work and offered me a kiss. I declined, embarrassed and forgot about the whole thing. A while later one of my male coworkers came up to me and said "I hear you got offered a kiss." "How the hell did you hear about that??!" I asked. He never responded, but I'm pretty sure I know who it was via process of elimination. Later in the day with a bunch of my other coworkers running around he said "Happy birthday, would you like a kiss?" I think I managed to look really embarrassed and when I tried to respond found my voice gone. I left the area quickly.

The problem is that I work with only a few males. And none of them is particularly hot. He, however, is easily the hottest of them. In fact, some women might even say he IS hot. But I try really hard not to think of him that way. So when he asked if I wanted a kiss, part of me wanted to say "yes!" The other day I caught myself fantasizing about him. I quickly stopped and now he's flirting with me? I soooo don't need a crush on this man.

However, as a testament to how really horny I am, I found myself gazing longingly at the guy behind the counter at whole foods. It's not that he was so hot but that mattered not at all. He kind of reminded me of someone in a very vague way. And I wanted to nail him.

Meanwhile, to put things in their worst possible light... I picked out my birthday present months ago. I told husband I would be buying it and that it might as well be my birthday present. We were at a book store several days before my birthday and I suggested he go and pick me out a card before we left. He declined, saying he'd do it later. Here comes my birthday and I wake husband up early for a reason unrelated to anything else and then 20 minutes later finally remind him to say happy birthday to me. That evening, husband and I go and get my present, picking it up and paying for it myself. I call my sister and make plans for the three of us to go out to dinner. When the bill comes, I pay. We went to whole foods and picked out some sweets to eat as my "birthday cake." We reach the counter and I pay. I drive us all home, dropping off my sister. Once inside the house, we eat our sweets, watch some tv and go to bed. Husband kisses me perfunctorily as usual and that's that. At which point I pretty much repeated what I've typed here back to him. I didn't even get a mother fucking card from him. Not a post it. Nothing.

This reminds me very much of the divorce chronicles I've read from others. "Celebrations" of holidays still occur but they become very impersonal. Suddenly the cards and presents are thoughtless or nonexistent. I totally understand that I paid for everything using our joint account so it matters not at all that I pulled out my card, but it's really the thought. Or in this case, the thoughtlessness. I mean, really, should I take this as anything OTHER than a message?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Hello Libido

I'm so god damned tired it verges on the ridiculous. I was at work 12 hours today. With a 1/2 hour lunch. And that, my friend, is ALL. And yet somehow I managed to be chipper at the end of the day with nary a frown in sight. The fact that the last 20 minutes or so of my day was spent throwing a ball up and down the hall for a super cute lab might have had something to do with my happiness. However, I'm really, really fucking tired. So tired.

The last few nights I've been masturbating myself just before bed. It's an old habit I got into years ago which seemed to be come a necessity when it came to falling asleep at night. In fact, I've actually been masturbating a few times a day of late and glorying in the many and varied orgasms I've had. By hand or with vibe, with lots of build up or a quickie. There have been many orgasms to be had. But I find myself reminded how very gratifying it is to have a wonderful sex partner with an understanding that sex is about so much more than just intercourse. Sure wish I had one of those guys around, these days. They're few and far between but soooo wonderful once found....

Just thinking about it is making me need to go get myself off once more before bed....

Monday, July 16, 2007


It's that time of the month again. (Well, given the way my body works... that time of the year, but I digress). This is the first time I've started using the Diva Cup. First off, I love it, very very much. But I've yet to actually take it into public. At least at home, it's been great.

So, I was chatting up husband when I was stopped short by the TV. The guy said something about "so you're okay with other men groveling all over your wife." I turned off the TV and asked husband to please demonstrate this to me. Which he did. He moved on top of me and began wiggling begging and groveling and I lay there silently until I finally had to laugh. And then suddenly said "god, I want cock." As it turns out the Diva Cup is much larger in girth than your average feminine hygiene product and which I generally can't feel it... there is a certain strange feeling of "almost fullness" generated by the way I was laying with my husband between my legs.

God, damn I wanted to fuck. But of course, I don't get to.

I did, however, spend a good long time this morning masturbating. I told husband what I was going to do and took care of myself in the bedroom while reading some vaguely erotic stories. In fact, I had some troubles printing them up and was getting really angry that all I ever wanted to do was masturbate to some erotica and couldn't.....

Hours later, husband came in and told me he was going to masturbate. Normally, we don't generally warn one another of our intentions so much as we just try to do it when the other is in bed. For the following reason. I waited a few minutes and wandered out to bug the crap out of him. Three times. The third time I checked out what he was masturbating to (he was quick to close the pictures but I could see the boring, boring descriptions) at which point I found myself realizing what a closet pervert I really am. "Where's the violence? Where's the submission? Skull fucking? SOMETHING?" I asked. It was kind of funny, really. I jerked him off a little and went back to the bedroom and fell asleep.

I could have been more help. But he never asked. He hinted, but I was too tired to pay attention. Too hungry for fucking to tolerate getting him off and leaving me with a limp cock in my hand.

And yet I'm happy today.

I got a message from Keith about 14 days ago, that I didn't get until last week saying he was coming to my city for a few days. I replied and have anxiously checked my emails, myspace, and this page for any hint of response from him but radio silence is complete. I'm both disappointed and a little relieved....

Monday, July 02, 2007

Credit where credit is due.

I've been exceptionally sick the last few days. Almost a whole week, actually. I missed two whole days of work which made me cringe since I work such long days and don't get sick leave. But I was seriously too ill to be there. It was bad. I'm finally just starting to recover from the 3 day 10# weight loss and subsequent weakness, dizziness, and general inability to do much. I suddenly understand a lot better the difficulty pro fighters go through when trying to "make weight." Except they lose all that weight and more within hours not days. Frightening.

As I finally started recovering, I found myself staying awake more. Given as much as I'd slept previously my schedule was seriously fucked up. Still is, actually. I think I got up about three times after 1am one morning and one of those times interrupted husband's masturbating. I wasn't about to help at all. My stomach was still tender and I was easily winded. I pretended not to notice as he pretended not to have been masturbating and I got my glass of water and went back to bed. Eventually, he came to bed and I decided to get up and masturbate for myself, it'd been at least a week.

A quick, but very delightful, orgasm later I sat in front of the computer feeling my body's wondering internal twinges of delight. Sated but not yet really tired I checked the blogs as I always do. Then I suddenly felt nostalgic for back when I was having regular, casual sex. I flipped back to the early days and read about some sex I had with Husband. And was suddenly sad. Husband's and my sex life has never been great. I hardly remember it even being a weekly event when we first married. However, there have been some times when we've had some really great sex. I hate to admit it to myself because it just makes me sad about what I'm missing, but Husband can be an amazing lover. There has been at least one time when he's absolutely blown me away with his ability to manipulate me and make me honestly beg for more, giving it in a way I'd never have expected from him.

I often don't give him enough credit. I have to admit it's particularly unforgivable when it's within the context of my blog that I can't even point to him and say he has proven himself quite capable of being my best lover of all. Because it's true. Not long after sleeping with Keith, husband took me into his arms one night and made me beg for his touch, arching and sighing and pulling him close because he made me feel thing I've never felt before with anyone. It was as if he read my mind and knew exactly what I needed. While Keith is the master of most things and with time and practice could learn to take me from intense desire to intense obsession, even with him it hadn't been like THAT.

Gah, I find myself sorely tempted to go wake up husband in a very, very delightful way....

Edited to add:

Scratch that. The man is terribly inhospitible to waking up and rolling the hell onto his back this morning. No surprises for him. Really, it's no wonder no one in this house gets laid.

Monday, June 25, 2007


He told me once the reason he spends so much time in the gym is because he's sexually frustrated. He works it off, there. Goes home too tired to worry about the attention he's not getting, the attention he's not giving and he's okay.

Me? Not so much. I've tried that. Stretching, bending, lifting, moving until my body feels like jelly. And as I leave the gym, feeling the warm fatigue in my muscles. I make my way home and strip, stepping into the shower, letting the water wash away the excess heat leaving me clean and fresh. The little fingers of water dripping, sliding down my flesh like a lover. And I want to fuck more than ever. The next day as my muscles cry in pain, I become hyper aware of my body. Proud of the way the muscles ache, the way my body moves and I want to share the new strength, the new stamina with someone else.

Yeah, going to the gym to work off sexual tension just doesn't work that way for me.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


So at some point I'm going to have to change my blog's name to "masturbation blog" or something since I'm just not getting anything else anywhere at all. Gah.

There is a terribly cute guy who comes into my work roughly once a week. He's provides my company a service. A particularly... shall we say... grim service. However, he doesn't wear a uniform and generally has a cell phone glued to his ear. So when he walks in I'm immediately struck by how hot this smiling man is. It's only when he talks to me that I recognize him for being who he is, instead of just a spectacular looking man. As soon as he leaves the building I find myself giggling and telling all the girls how hot he is. They all agree.

I find it really sad that I literally see an average of one guy a week to get all giggly about. And it's always the same guy! Percentages around here just aren't as good as they were on the military base.

Yesterday morning, on a whim while husband was in the shower I decided to masturbate. I wasn't really into it and he'd already been in the shower for about half the time he usually spends, leaving me about two or three minutes to get off. I touched myself for a little while and was at the point where I needed to cum but wasn't even close. And time was running out. I grabbed my dildo and used it. I've almost exclusively been using nothing (a contributing factor to my less than stellar orgasms) or my smart balls (which just aren't as good as a fake or real cock). If I didn't set a record with the speed and intensity of that orgasm, I'd be surprised. As I enjoyed the final spasms of my orgasm, husband turned off the water. I waited a moment before putting away the dildo and quietly going about my day.

But I was left annoyed that I have yet to reach the level of comfort to cum so quickly with a man.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I ache for you.

I miss the feel of your lips, your tongue. I ache for the feel of your hands on my breasts, my hips, my thighs. I crave the way your cock filled me leaving me gasping, filling my need making me want more, unable to hold more. I lust after the passion I felt with you. The way our bodies moved together, perfect rhythm.

I ache for you.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


I hate quickies. I hate rushed orgasms.

Typical woman, right?

For the last month or two Husband has been at home at all the same times I have been at home. And while his masturbation has been something I've long been willing to share with him, mine I tend to keep more private. When I'm alone it's generally just easier for me to get off. I can watch whatever gets me off on the computer... or read a story and not feel like I'm short changing my lover. It's all about complete and utter selfishness on my part, sometimes.

So I'm finding it really frustrating that I have time to masturbate furtively and quickly, but don't have time to really spend on myself, getting myself hot, wet, and excited. I don't get to use my toys and cum with any noise. It's reduced my masturbation to being very occasional and very, very functional. Just enough to get my by until the next time.

And I hate it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


One of the things that makes me feel very lucky is the fact that several of my former lovers have chosen to remain a part of my life, at least in a small sense, even after the sexual play has stopped. While there are a few I'd love to get naked with, I'm thrilled that I'm apparently the sort of person who can keep ex lovers as friends and acquantences without the awkwardness that seems so common after sex.

I just wish I were so lucky as to have one of the ones I really want to be fucking come live near me. Or you know, any of them, really....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


One of the things I've most enjoyed in my dealings with various men is flirting. At my current job I don't get to flirt much. I tend to do better with men I see on a regular basis and kind of get to know. I don't get much of that where I work. Lots of lesbians... but that's just not my style.

So, I miss it terribly. I read about Pluff Mud and his flirtation with Taylor (see the last half of the post) and I find myself supremely jealous. I can feel all the excitement and longing vicariously... but it's just not the same as being there. I absolutely adore the pleasure of having a crush and pushing things just a little bit further.... the uncertainty excites me.

(I asked husband to spell "uncertainty" because I was having a moment. He spelled it for me at which point he added "It's important to spell things right when you smack talk me." I think he thinks I ALWAYS write bad things about him or something. I really try not to. Of course I DO write bad things... but god damn. I try to make this blog mostly about ME, thank you very much. Because I'm just that god damned cool).

So, yeah. I'm jealous. So fucking jealous. I miss getting to flirt with Sam and even good ol' Nils. And all those other fine pieces of ass I used to gaze at longingly....

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hearing from Martin

I heard from Martin for the second (third?) time this week. He's apparently in a town much closer to me than usual. He's been telling me how horny he is. I've been telling him how very much I understand his problems. There's something about being in a hotel room in a strange town that gets me hot and wet and wanting. And generally leaves me frustrated night after night. That's what Martin's dealing with.

Conversation inevitable turned toward sex. The things we did. The things we didn't do. Things ending. All that. I guess I never did ask some of the questions I wanted to, things that confused me way back when, things I wonder about now.... But we chatted and I learned a little more than I knew even a year ago. I feel better for it.

We talked about seeing each other again. I turned him down last time, utterly disgusted with him for being so willing to cheat on the love of his life. This time, though, I give. I understand, though he didn't say it. If he ever visits this area... well... we'll undoubtedly see one another naked again.

I went back and read a bunch of what I'd written about him. About the various years of wanting him. Of the sex we had. The way I felt. And a few things came to mind... I write kindly about my lovers here. The way I tend to remember the nights, focusing on the good. I found myself caught up in the last night we were together. After I'd been with Keith.

And you know, I'm grateful to Keith. I'm grateful that he taught me something new about sex, and fucking, and letting go a little more. Keith has made me a better lover and Martin benefited from it. In fact, its the pleasurable lesson of expressing oneself and enjoying another's pleasure that Keith taught me and that Martin remembers most vividly, as it turns out.

And now, the Nyquil has me in its grip.....

Monday, May 14, 2007

The time has come...

for many people to close down their blogs. And for me to delete them from my blog roll. I hate doing it, but once they're gone there isn't much point in going back again and again hoping. It seems like no one who stops writing really gets back into the writing thing when they say they will.

Obviously, my own sex blog has taken a drastic swing toward the mundane and boring. Outlived it's usefulness, I suppose. For those in the know, this is the kind of post that generally frees the writer from further updates. This is the sort of post that sits on the top of a blogger's blog for a month or so until the blogger comes back and says "the end" or just deletes it.

This is not, however my intention. Actually, my intention is to point out that I need some more interesting reads. It feels like so many bloggers are slowing down or going away and it makes me sad. So if anyone has some absolute favorites I haven't seen, please feel free to point me in their direction....

Monday, May 07, 2007


B said...
Always fun being out of work. I'm hoping he finds a job to
focus all of his energies on soon.Sounds like Keith interests you but you'd like
something better. Would you consider someone else?Best of luck....

I hope he finds a job soon, too. I'm not holding my breath quite yet.

I'm not really sure there's someone out there better than Keith. I mean, in some ways my husband is better, in some ways Keith is. I'm not sure there's really, honestly someone out there who's a realistic mix of the two. Keith is, without a doubt, my sexual god. When I think about him, I think about how completely sexual, open, honest, and free I feel with him. While I've had lots of sex in my life with a variety of people he's surely the only one I felt really, truly free to ask and demand things of without worry of judgement or shame. I've honestly, never in my life had better sex and I don't really think it does get better than that. Being with him, I think, has made me capable of being a much better lover, made me want to be as giving, willing, and open to new experience as he is.

On the other hand, he lives very, very far away. I've only spent two nights with the man. We've never shared real "quality" time other than those nights. I can't vouch for the realism of the fantasies I've laid on him outside of bed.

It's definitly irrational. It's not particularly smart.

But DOES it get better? I'm not sure.

Would I consider someone else? Sure. I have. No one, so far, has been able to impress me though.

Ow. I blame him.

So I'm one of those people who's never really been terribly regular when it comes to my period. It's not uncommon for several months to pass without me bleeding at all. This suits me just fine. I don't generally suffer much more for having missed several months in a row, so really I only benefit from it.

However, when I get regular sex I tend to become regular again. It's god's way of laughing at me. When I'm getting laid, I end up with several days out of the month when I'm horny but generally too sensitive to actually have sex.

Here I have been delighfully blood-free for months. And I swear to god as soon as I've start having regular INTERNET contact with Keith... I bleed. While I admit there might be some kind of coincidence... I'm not convinced the two aren't related.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The dogs woke me up early so....

I'm tired, I feel vaguely sick (because I'm tired?) but overall, I'm doing great. For the most part. Who knows. I'm too tired to remember.

I've started hearing from Keith again. I wouldn't call it regularly, but it's close enough for government work. I mean, I rather had a hint that he was back what with his earlier comment on my blog... but I dared not hope. He never does call himself Keith but I've spent so much time referring to him as such that I actually had to pause the other day and try to remember his REAL name. Which is rather funny seeing as I've whispered it quietly to myself, repeatedly, when masturbating. You'd think it'd be hard to forget.

Which brings me back to my rather strange obsession with the man. I find it vaguely annoying, really. It's irrational and stupid. But in a way, that's part of what I like, I suppose.

I got to see him on webcam for the first time in a year or more and it suddenly reminded me of how much my life has changed in the last 6 months. Keith's changed a bit from what I remember him looking like. He's still very much the same person, but far more clean cut than he was before (which isn't to say he looked the hippie, let me tell you). Regardless I found myself vaguely transfixed, having forgotten how different military men look from their civilian counterparts.

This, of course, reminds me of how god damned lucky I was to live on a military base and work with military men for the sole reason that there were so god damned many of them. I fucking LOVED the odds. Being a woman I have a pretty good chance of prettily easily finding someone who wants to fuck me. The odds were considerably better 6 months ago that the guy in question would also happen to be someone I wanted to fuck. Which isn't to say I couldn't do that now, if I was willing to put forth the time and effort. However, I'm still not terribly inclined.

Life is going much better for me, mentally than it was. Husband, on the other hand, is still dealing with unemployment and the fact that we're in a new part of the country without him having a lot of friends or chances to meet new ones. Not being terribly social in the first place, he's at a disadvantage and certainly feels isolated. Me running off to fuck others wouldn't really help with the problem so I'm using that as an excuse to not do so. Not to mention I haven't felt like it for months... that's changing a little right now... but it's still at a manageable level.

On the other hand, with Keith back and talking to me again I find my desires once again focused on him (it's sort of like my hormones finding magnetic north). It's ridiculous, really. But it keeps me out of trouble. Mostly.....

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I just got the scare of my life. Well, maybe not my whole life. I live in the scary part of town... and a place that has bad drainage. The backyard is made of rocks. Walking on those rocks is very loud. I've always thought of it as a sort of low tech security system. I have the backdoor open because the laundry is making it very hot in here. I hear foot steps along the back. The dogs freak the hell out and lunge at the screen door. And just for a moment I thought it was the person walking back there coming at the door. Terrifying. Sometimes I regret my decision to insist on living on the ground floor.

Anyway. On to business. Mr. W! says:

I bet Keith didn't go through your hometown. Even though you two haven't talked
I am sure he would have stayed there at least one day. Unless it was your "day".
But that didn't stop him before.What if he sent you a ticket? Would you go and
take advantage of him???

And in answer I'd have to say there was a time when I would have without question. Now, though, things are a little different and I'm in a situation where it would be more than inconvenient. Were it not for the fact that I love my job and currently am very much in need of the money... I would. However, real life comes into play and prevents me from taking such a lovely, sexy vacation. It WOULD be an excellent chance to sneak away from his naked body now and again and see some people I'm already missing terribly, though. *sigh*

Passionate Man says:

Hubby won't find anyone. 90% of the w4m posts on craigslist aren't serious
(spam, joking but not interested, or too hesitant to actually get involved), and
the rest either don't want a married man or won't want him.You're safe. He's
just playing to make himself feel attractive. He probably knows nothing will
come of it, too.

And you know, you're right. He's really just looking. However, my own sister has been a frequent and serious poster on the site looking for some fast nookie. So he knows there real live women on the site. As for other women wanting him... well... who knows. He's not super hot or anything, but he is funny and that counts for something. On the other hand, to my knowledge he's stopped looking. Or certainly isn't looking seriously. I do believe you're right, though, that the vast majority of the women on the site wouldn't bite. It really makes me feel very, very sorry for men....

In a rush

Life is still busy. I'm still tired all the time. But for the most part it's in a good way. And I think habit and a bit more exercise should cure me of the constant tiredness. Mentally, at least I feel pretty fucking awesome. I like my job and I really do get plenty of time off... I'm just still busy on those days, right now.

The sex life is still pretty dead. I was thinking last night that I'm increasingly willing to fuck husband (although he's, once again, stopped asking me) but I'm so totally turned off to approaching him and being denied anymore. I mean, seriously, for a while there I got to the point where I was asking him for sex even when I really didn't want it just to see if he'd say yes. He never did. And then my libido died. And he asked me. And I wasn't just not interested... I absolutely abhorred the idea. However, I still went down and basically helped him reach orgasm without having to fake any particular sexual pleasure on my part.

So now I'm horny again. And husband's stopped asking. And I don't want to ask. And it's really a bit of a problem. I fear we've forgotten how to relate to one another in that way. I'm pretty sure other couples manage to find some way to make their libidos work together. Why can't WE? *sigh*

The night before last I had a sex dream about husband. I can't remember the last one I had like that. I woke up incredibly horny and imagining being fucked. Of course, in my mind it was Keith doing the fucking... my mind drifting joyously back to those two exciting nights far too long ago. He remains the gold standard of sex for me. Eventually I did get out of bed (no orgasm) but last night I was aching.

I went and found my fun balls (since I'm not particularly happy with my current dildo/vibe collection) and fought to slide them inside me. Am I so tight? Are they so big? It was kind of ridiculous and there was much pinching of skin between nails, poking, prodding, and use of lube before I finally made them both disappear in side me. I then spent the next 30 or 35 minutes idly looking at porn and masturbating. Finally, I let myself cum. It was a really pleasant, relaxing orgasm which made the entire annoying situation much more palatable. Afterward, I pulled the balls out of my pussy and they were covered in girl juice. It was really weird to see them that way. It really looked suspiciously like some guy had cum on the balls. It was really, really weird. And really, kind of sexy. I was extremely wet, obviously.

Today will be another very busy day. Probably not much time for orgasm, alas.

I know I've failed to respond to notes, lately. I'll try to make it up tonight... but if I fail, forgive me. Every letter I've typed today has made me later and later for my commitments....

Friday, April 20, 2007

I don't sleep enough

Well, as it turns out my work has me very, very tired. I work several very long days and get three (and a half) days off. It makes for a very, very tired girl since I can't seem to actually fall asleep. I think I'm still too excited about this job.

So, looking back, our anniversary went well. No sex. But we had fun.

God, I'm tired.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Life is...

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) Husband and I were hanging out. I watched a few minutes of Dr. Phil when he had some woman on who said she'd rather eat chocolate than have sex. Husband opened his mouth to comment but before he could get a word out I said "she must be having sex with you." HA! I laughed my ass off and he got really mad. I told him I was only kidding and that he had to admit I was way fucking funny... which he never really did... but he finally told me what he was going to say, which was "she's obviously never had an orgasm." Then he added "it's really better that I didn't say that before you made your comment."

Later on in the evening I offered him some chocolate pudding I made, telling him "you can either have the pudding or you can have sex with me." He surprised me by telling me he'd have sex with me. Although the offer for either the pudding or the sex was not for "right now." Needless to say when I did finally retire to the bedroom for a while I offered him sex and he told me "I'm too tired." When I got back up for late dessert he joined me in having some pudding. Needless to say there was no sex.

I swear I don't bring these things on myself. Other than the fact that I very obviously do. You'd think my mother would have taught me better.

Meanwhile, it's starting to feel like much of my life is coming together. I'm very excited to start my job on Wednesday and I've managed to set it up so I start my volunteer work on Tuesday... a sort of a work-preparation thing. I can get rid of some of my jitters.

Lastly, being the infomercial-whore I am, I avidly watched several repeats of the Magic Bullet infomercial and was utterly sold. I happened to see a set at a local store and snapped it up as a celebration of my new job. I'm currently drinking a strawberry-pineapple-orange-edemame smoothie. I threw the edemame in as an experiment and find I kind of like it... what with the texture and all. I'm thinking about going for one of those "mostly vegetable" smoothies eventually. I might just end up somewhat healthy. Weird.

Things are just looking so much brighter in the future. While I still reasonably expect set backs eventually, the near future is beautiful....

Thursday, April 12, 2007

So Excited

As it turns out, I'm gainfully employed again. Well, at least, I will be. Next week. I got exactly the job I wanted and I'm totally excited about it. Even if I decide NOT to follow the career path I've currently got planned out, I will finally be in a position to never, ever, ever have to work retail again. There were some perks (this is me thinking very fondly of my work which put me in contact with more than one guy I slept with) but those were few and far between. Hardly worthwhile. At least in this job I'll get to see more of the kind of folks I like. I hope.

I find myself so befuddled by this having a job starting next week that I keep thinking "oh, I need to go search for more jobs to apply to..." except.. obviously I don't. I'm just not starting yet, is all.

Meanwhile, my anniversary is coming up. It's hard to imagine Husband and I have been together as long as we have. In some ways I guess we both think it's been far too long, but overall... I think we're okay. We still have more of the "big important talks" than I'd like (like none, please) but we're chugging along.

Husband keeps checking craigslist casual encounters. I finally asked him the other day "are you planning on finding someone else to sleep with? Because I'm not sure how I feel about that right now." In some ways it'd make me happy for him to be able to have that kind of casual fun... but I worry he's going to fall in love with someone else and forget to come back. Something I'm painfully familiar with in my own adventures. He claims he's not going to find anyone that way. We'll see....

I had more to write about the last topic but suddenly I'm very, very tired. It's very, very bedtime.

Monday, April 09, 2007

My sister and my husband went to the coast together today. She's got vacation and he isn't working so away they went. Had I not had a job interview I might have been tempted to go, myself. However, neither of them would have wanted to take the dogs and I have this thing where I want to live my life with my boys at my side all the time so they took a day of vacation without me.

I went to the interview and for the most part it went pretty well. The work seemed okay but the people who interviewed me seemed very stressed in some ways. There were a lot of questions of "if terrible things X, Y, and Z happened..." and "if person Y did this what would your response be..." that sort of thing. I've walked away with the suspicion that the reason the job is open is because of the examples they gave. And even as I drove away I was thinking "if they feel like they need to ask those kinds of questions... do I even want to work there...?"

Which really means I need to put in for some more jobs. I'm incredibly disappointed because I haven't heard back from the first place that interviewed me. I think I'd adore that job and be really happy. *sigh* Of course, it's only Monday. But still....

I guess this means I need to put in for more jobs. :-/

So, it's a quiet afternoon here alone in the apartment. I've got the sliding glass door open just a crack and I'm gazing out at the sunlight reflecting off the back fence, the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky, and the wind making the ivy dance. It's a little too cold outside to just go out and enjoy it, but too perfect of a day to keep the windows covered. It feels like an early spring vacation to me. The kind of day where my cabana boy lover comes to give me a massage, pleasure me selflessly, and then leaves me alone with some sweet drink to enjoy the end of the day.


That Show

You know that show, The Shield? It totally blows my mind. TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND. Let there be no question. My mind? Blown. Totally.

So, like a million years ago Keith told me he digs The Shield and was all "record it for me and send it to me in this foreign country" (to paraphrase). So I totally did and then as it turns out his computer wasn't able to read the dvds for some reason but anyway, I started watching... and thanks to TIVO I kept watching and watching and have seen all but a few episodes multiple times. Like, I *really* like the show and this last season was totally wicked, especially the painfully well shot cliff hanger episode from last season and then there's all this season which is exciting and starting off well... and will (apparently) completely end the series (from what I've read) and it's like... I'm totally excited.

It also helps that I want to take the lead actor and tie him to my bed for a few nights. Or be tied to his. You know, whatever. I'm not picky in this regard. Not when it comes to him, anyway.

So yeah. The Shield... wicked. Mr. Chiklis... not nearly naked enough.

Now that I think about it, how is it that man's managed to avoid the gratuitous nudity I so crave in men of his type? WTF? Seriously. More male nudity. It can be tasteful. But c'mon. Even George Eads (from CSI) has managed a few shirtless scenes and it's not like he's even the "main" character! Dammit.

I know, everything's filmed. It's too late to be crying for nudity. But the man's going to have to do better in this regard. I'll be patient, god knows. But not forever....

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I messaged Martin the other day as I was waiting outside my interview. I was bored and excited and needed someone to "talk" to, so I sent him a text. He wrote back hours later. We've written back and forth a bit the last few days, it all culminated with tonight. Our desire for one another leaking out a bit. I never know if his girlfriend's nearby. I worry she'll see. But what can she do to me? I worry for him, for my part in it, but I also know he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. It's hard to really contribute to his delinquency from across the country.

Back and forth we went, reminiscing. My brain immediately caught on the fact that I fucked Keith while I was still seeing Martin... of the fact that Martin couldn't compete. My desire for Keith was too strong, the chemistry so perfect. And yet, Martin and I had our fun for a while. Martin was the romantic, or played one so perfectly it made my heart ache a few times.

He told me he still masturbates when he thinks about some of the stuff we did. I smile a little. We were never so wild. Nothing I feel the need to relive so completely, nothing that'll get me off. Is he so easily amused, I wonder? There are really only a couple of things worth mentioning... the first night we were together, the night I sucked his cock while he chatted up his ex on the phone, and the night I stuck my tongue in his ass (an idea stolen directly from Keith's playbook, I might add). I can guess which one he chooses to remember so vividly.

But, none the less it woke up a longing in me. Got me thinking about how it felt to be around Martin, about my imaginings of what the good parts about being his girlfriend would be. Of course, it also made me think about the bad parts... but the good parts were the focus.

When it came to be bed time, I tried to seduce husband but nothing doing...

Thursday, April 05, 2007


I spent the last hour snuggling with Husband. "I'm glad to be your wubby" he told me. I'm glad, too.

Today's already been... something. One of my ratties is dying. Well, not just dying. I'm having her put down today. That'll be the second since we moved here. She's not really a surprise, I suppose. She's around 2 1/2-3 years old which is a decent life for a ratty. Still, it hurts.

Meanwhile, I've already gotten a call back from the job I interviewed for, calling for a second interview. And I have an interview for another, similar, job next week.

Things are looking up just past the ratty's inevitable death.


Last night, I came onto husband. Several times. each time he was less than receptive. The last time, he escaped the room as quickly as he could. He wanted nothing to do with my advances. Typical.

I ended up having a non-sexual dream about Keith. I have, for the most part, accepted that Keith isn't a real, stable part of my life and never will be. And in the dream, it was much the same. He was there with his wife and kids (which in reality is his exwife) moving from where I live now to where I used to live. I went to help because as it turned out in the dream, Keith knew someone else I knew and I was able to be there as a stranger. He kept touching me in his familiar, delightful way when no one was looking and making me utterly mad with desire. Eventually his (apparently) mentally ill wife told everyone to leave because no one was helping. I looked helplessly at Keith, but he knew better than to argue with her. It was a really weird dream, but I woke up sad and longing for him. *sigh* In fact, Keith has moved to the same area I was in for the last 8 years. It tears me up that I missed him. In fact, it occurred to me that he may have flown into an airport a mere 20 minutes away. And I find myself disappointed that there was no chance I'd see him.


Oh, and I read your comment to my husband, no_more_secrets. He told me he's going to run over to my sister's house next time and say "screw it, we should just have sex." He doesn't think that'll go over very well.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Well, I'm not really, really happy. But I'm pretty happy. I had an interview this morning. It was the first response I got from putting in for a job I'd really love to do. Something I hadn't dared put in for, before. After all, what do I have to offer? But as it turns out... something. So I went to the interview and because of the unpredictability of traffic... and my own fear of being late... I ended up getting there and HOUR early. Eek. So I sat in the car and played with my ipod and sent text messages and finally went inside 15 minutes early.

The interview, which I was concerned would go terribly, went really, really well. I walked out of there in just the most excellent mood. Even if I don't get the job, it was a really, seriously positive interviewing experience that gave me a hell of a lot more confidence about my interviewing abilities. I was really happy.

Having done that, overall I'm in a way better mood than I've been in months. Way better. And maybe, just maybe, Husband will get some tonight. Maybe.

I have another, similar interview scheduled for next week. Hopefully I'll shine as brightly in that one and be offered that job. While I'm not sure it's a realistic hope (any more than I thought this one was) it is closer to what I have in mind. However, this job would be a GREAT stepping stone in moving towards what I want to do "in real life." And maybe, ultimately, be a great stopping point for me. It's a job I could be proud of, in and of itself.

So yeah. It's been a lovely day.

Makes me wish I had a boy toy to share the excitement with. But you know, maybe I can just do that with husband. Maybe.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The conversation I had

So after my post regarding my husband's sex drive and my feelings of amusement I got to thinking some more. Last night while we were making dinner together and I told him about the post and about my belief that I don't live in a world where my husband and my sister are having an affair... but perhaps I'm too confident about that.

He stared at me and then laughed "what, do you mean it?"

"Well," I told him, "one of the signs one's spouse is having an affair is an increased interest in sex. Like maybe having sex makes you want to have more sex... or it throws the person's suspicion off."

"I'm not having sex with your sister. I'm just horny."

"Right... so you go over there to pick something up and stay for an hour? Booty call?"

He shook his head, looking utterly perplexed. "You know, if I'm going to be accused of having an affair, I'd really prefer it be when I'm actually getting some from someone!"

I laughed at that and said, "you'd say that though, wouldn't you? You know there's nothing you can say that'll convince me you're not. And, really, they say if you suspect your spouse is having an affair they probably ARE."

He shook his head at me.

I wasn't completely serious. And he knew that. But it was a conversation I felt like I needed to have. I really DON'T think I live in a world where my husband and my sister would fuck... and I try to be pretty realistic. But there's always that doubt that I don't have the control over and understanding of my life that I think I do.

Which led me to confess my secret pleasure in denying him sex. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did, but he also didn't seem to feel very offended. "The difference," I told him, "is that sometimes I put out anyway." He couldn't deny it.

And oddly, it really wasn't a particularly tense conversation. Afterward, however, he went for the pepto bismul for heartburn. I gazed at him open mouthed "oh!" He stared at me quizzically "I have heartburn." "Yeah, after a stressful conversation! Oh my god!" He rolled his eyes in response and said "I had it BEFORE." Uh huh.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Another Part of Me

So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.

I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....

Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.

I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.

In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."

Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.

I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

To one who would never think I mean him...

Sometimes when I kiss my husband I close my eyes and imagine it's you. Sometimes I turn off the lights when I take him in my mouth and pretend it's your cock against my tongue. I'll lay in bed talking to him and open my eyes for a second expecting to see your face. I look over at him once in a while and wonder what it would be like if it was you there, instead. I wonder how you'd look at me. I wonder how things would be between us.

And then I check the casualty reports to make sure you're not actually dead, that you're still out there.

Maybe thinking of me.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Fingers

I was watching some show on E! or Style or something tonight. In it, a rather average looking man (I kept having to ask myself if he was gay) had a segment about him. He was certainly NOT the sort of man I find attractive-- not my vision of masculine enough. However, he was rather quiet and soothing in his own way. He gave the female star of the segment a massage. And I found myself suddenly drooling all over this man. As I watched his oiled fingers gliding over the woman's soft skin I was thinking to myself about what it must be like to be him, to put his hands all over this naked woman's skin, to give all of this intense pleasure and yet get none directly in return. What must it be like to be allowed to touch these women and know they would never let him touch them outside that room. At least, not at first....

It was shocking to me how my body reacted. A slave of sorts. But if a man with those amazing hands were to offer a happy ending, offer to fuck me hard... well... I'm not one to deny him that mutual pleasure.

And then the thoughts just reminded me of what I'm missing in my own sex life. Someone willing to spend lots of time on me, now and again. I'm willing to trade off, I swear....

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Girl Can't Help It...

Yeah, I'm listening to Journey and I'm NOT ashamed of it!

For whatever reason, I'm taking this period of joblessness pretty well. I still haven't told the management around here about the mold. That'll be tomorrow. As things stand, I'm cleaning, going through all the stuff we moved here with all those months ago and donating the stuff we don't need or want anymore and reorganizing the rest. With every unpacked box, every foot of floor space uncovered, I'm feeling lighter, more refreshed. Like just maybe there's hope... hope in everything.

The other night, husband got me a little drunk. It was mutual, really. We haven't gotten drunk in... a long time. Months? A year? I can't really remember. "You always get horny when you drink," he reminded me. I had to laugh at that. He's right, though. Unfortunately, it was also the first, most painful day of my period. However, being his good oral-sex giving wife, I was on my knees before too long.

Eventually I got bored of straining to suck him on the bed and led him out into the living room and pushed him into the lay-z-boy. I popped in one of my mainstream porn tapes (something random and reasonably non-offensive, though I jokingly told him it was gay porn since the first several minutes involve a group of men all talking) and set back to work. It wasn't too long until a porn starlet was on her knees before her costar, working his cock like the pro she so obviously is. I took my cue and redoubled my efforts, feeling his cock thicken and harden under my ministrations. Eventually he came, and lay back while I got a towel for him and cleaned myself off.

We spent the rest of the night in good moods as I came down from my buzz and he recovered from his sexual high. It was like a very pleasant night of vacation from everything for the both of us, and perhaps one of the best nights we've had together in years.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Life comes at you fast...

I was pretty much forced to quit my job. I walk away a wiser person, a better employee and a better supervisor. However, that doesn't pay the bills.

I've discovered a terrible mildew/mold problem along a wall in the living room. It's eaten at the bottom of my filing cabinet. I'm pissed. I'm going to have to move all the boxes and other sundries from around it so I can show it to the apartment maintenance guy. I suspect minor pressure could make a small section of the drywall cave in. The carpet under the cabinet is moldy black. Did I mention I'm pissed?

Meanwhile, husband is hornier than usual. Me? The exact opposite. Stress does nothing for my libido. Stress has been constant since the move out here. It's NOT getting better. So, I've been doing my part to "tend to" my husband's needs without having to go through the trouble of pretending to want to get fucked. Besides, there are few things more annoying than his litany that I need to "teach him how to use a condom." Like they're some fucking great, new technology that one needs to take a class on, or something. Shit, I don't even want to have sex, why in the hell would I want to "teach" him to use a condom? Fuck that.

My sister is still looking for booty calls online. My husband is taking ideas from her, searching craigslist with a vague sense of hope and embarrassment for a sexual partner besides myself. Am I pissy about it? You bet. For the last how many years, I've been begging him for sex on a regular basis until I just completely gave up and now all of a sudden he's become affectionate and suddenly oversexed... you know, when I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.

My life is bordering on the absurd.

Maybe it's already passed over that cliff.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Not very accurate psychological survey.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?


2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Squirrel (grey)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal.

It looks at me curiously and scampers up a tree.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.

It's a house just like the one in "house sitter." Exactly. But bigger.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?


6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

Candle sticks, place settings, tea set. Chairs around, carpeting.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

Plastic, insulated. Translucent purple.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Leave it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. what kind of body of water is it?

A small-ish lake. Much bigger than a pond, but the shore is completely visible.

10. How will you cross the water?

I'll swim.

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

So lately, I've spent my time running to and from work. Those 9 hour days plus travel time (which can be anywhere from 40 minutes round trip to two hours on bad days) are kind of killer. Not to mention the unpredictability of what time of day those 9 hours start. Will it be 6am or 2pm? Or somewhere in between? It's a toss up. Needless to say, though I do have warning as to what my upcoming shifts are going to be, it doesn't make my sleep schedule anymore predictable, which means I spend most days tired as hell even before I go to work.

My weekends have been spent out with my husband and the dogs. I always swore when we came back home I'd make it a point to be more active and get out and do all the things I did as a teenager, but was unable to do as a young adult. Having the dogs has gone a long way toward realizing that. For the last month, each of my days off have included several hours wandering around the dog park. As the weather clears, hopefully we'll manage to take a few day trips. Heck we might even manage a camp out for a weekend. That'd be great.

I'm working hard on improving my attitude toward my husband. We spend an awful lot of time together since he's not been working and he's quite depressed. Getting out as been very good for both of us, but my attitude toward him over the last several years hasn't been very good and since things are currently magnified and our lives have become abnormally intertwined I see that it's been more harmful than helpful. I'm working to change that.

Which isn't to say I'm not still thinking about fucking various and sundry men. I'm just realistic in knowing now just isn't a great time for it.

I'm watching my sister do many of the same things I've done over the last few years in attempting to find someone to fuck regularly in an NSA fashion. I swear to god she's talking to a lot of the same guys. It's almost laughable, and it's helping me to not mind so much about the fact that I'm not looking. While I feel a certain longing for the thrill, I'm glad not to be talking to the crazies, including the guy who asked her if she'd be his girlfriend before they'd even had a single online conversation, let alone met in real life. Stuff like that, I can definitely do without....

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I had the pleasure of seeing my new crush at work yesterday. It's so funny to me the way I look at him. He's not a super-hot guy. I'm not even convinced he's a hot guy. And yet, it matters not much at all to me. I'm aware of it and yet completely unaffected in my lust. I think it's because he reminds me of EB, my lover from a while back. I haven't heard from EB since before I left the East coast, although I keep an eye out for him online. He was a great guy just to talk to and he was nice in bed (with a distinct possibility of being kinky). However, I think EB found himself a full-time girlfriend and therefore dropped all his non-monogamous friends. I digress.

So I think my new crush reminds me of EB. And I think that's a lot of what keeps me looking at him with a little lust in my eyes. Although most of it has to do with the way he touched me. I keep trying to put myself in the position to be touched by him again. Often. But it's just not happening. Anyway, isn't it wrong to take sexual pleasure from someone's unknowing touch? I'm not convinced he's completely unknowing, however. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


Really, I wasn't begging for notes or folks telling me they read. It's almost better NOT to know for sure. Then I can imagine I have hundreds of thousands of readers. Or just one or two. The later making it easier to write for myself rather than worrying about the opinions of the masses. Although I appreciate you all, no doubt.

So what do I have to write about now?

I was mulling over how very boring my life has become and my lack of an interesting sex life when it occurred to me that it really wasn't all THAT long ago I was sleeping with a couple other guys and found the experiences to be somewhat lacking. Not bad, for the most part... but not great, either. However, I somehow managed to forget I even HAD them. I was bemoaning the fact that I haven't gotten properly laid in years... except it's really only been something like half a year, which is really not that long of a stretch for me. So helllllllo drama queen....

So unfortunately for me, most of the guys who come into my store are either (very) old or grizzled or both. My regulars are pretty much fifty-somethings who've spent far too much time in the sun, which really does nothing for me. Yesterday a very, very hot guy came into the store but I had absolutely no contact with him.

My crush, the guy who works with me, once again managed to completely avoid being around me at all. I think I worked next to him for about 2 minutes and the entire time I was freezing my ass off as the doors next to me kept opening letting in the gusts of cold air from outside. I told him I never would have chosen that register if I'd known how cold it was and he offered to lend me his coat. *swoon* Okay, maybe not. I declined and he ended up getting sent elsewhere very, very shortly after... and that was that.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


Two recent questions have come up, so I'll go ahead and address them now.

First and foremost, I have an email address on my profile. I did NOT have one there before, but I've fixed that situation. I used to have one on my sidebar but, with the switch to new blogger I never bothered to put it back since I think in the years I've had this blog I've recieved something like a grand total of 6 emails, including the ones I received in the back-and-forth exchanges via email. However, it's there again to be further ignored by my 2 1/2 readers.

Which brings me to another point, (which was never a question) I totally ditched the stat-counter I used to have. New Blogger kicked it off my page and I've been far too lazy to replace it. So other than a few notes now and and again I have no idea who's reading my page or how often or even who's linking here. I only just discovered yesterday that Lola On... put me on her list of blogs she reads. I'm not sure WHY, I never asked for a reciprocal link and don't think I'm interesting enough for most people but hey, I'll take it. So if anyone else has linked to me and I haven't even bothered to look at your page... well... you know why. It's not personal. I'm link-blind and I'm still debating whether my life is better or worse for it.

Lastly, I was asked about whether I ever found a use for the collar. Why yes, my dog is infinately more obediant just having it on. After the first couple of mild shocks (at the exact same level my husband and I tested it on ourselves using) he's become far more responsive to our commands at the dog park. We actually haven't shocked him since the first day, although it's unlikely that'll last forever. So, yeah, no dog fights in the last few visits.

As for mentioning my curiosity about it as a sex toy, no I never did try it. Not because I'm afraid of it (well only near the metal on my nipples) but because I do have that previously mentioned aversion for sharing my sex toys with my dogs. So very, very few dirty thoughts about the collar have occured since the first day. I still threaten to use it on my husband when he's being disobedient but otherwise, it's pretty much out of range sexually. Which isn't to say I'm not, now, electrically curious. I don't want to get hurt... just... stung. But that's always been my near obsession.

I have this desire to TRY things, but maybe not go all out. I think I'll enjoy them but can't prove it since no one has been willing (or able) to share that particular interest with me to this point. I was wandering through the store I work in the other day and came across some pieces of wood that looked like rulers or paint stir sticks and found myself slapping my hand with it thoughtfully. Mild sting... cheap.... Ah, pervertables. Surely something that's been tried and abandoned by many a kinkster.... but not yet by me.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Okay, okay

I admit that I'm somewhat pathetic. The new boy (who appears to work, like, one day a week) was at the store today. Unfortunately, I didn't get to work near him the entire day. Somehow we ended up on very different schedules and when I tried to get myself moved to work next to him again, he ended up moved elsewhere. So I pretty much missed him for the entire day except for a brief moment when I took over the register he'd been using. He came back because he forgot something and ended up standing very close to me, touching me in that familiar, intimate way that's making me go a little crazy. This time we were almost front to front and I couldn't resist looking up at him... letting myself imagine, for a moment, his mouth... before I remembered that I was at work. Dammit.

I'm working on it being a reasonably nice week. I feel kind of pretty lately. Like maybe a glow a little. I'm still stressed out. But not like I have been. I'm reasonably happy on a daily basis. God only knows why.

Although I did have a dream last night that I got a DUI. It woke me about 20 minutes before my alarm went off and I lay there wondering what the hell that dream was about.

Why oh why can't I just dream about sex?!?