Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Reading With One Hand

After we got home from work (at the same time, no less) we stayed up and tried to decided what to do with our night. The first order of business being... a nap. I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before and husband is exhausted from his weird schedule and classes. I crawled into bed before him and fell asleep within minutes, neither of us sharing even a touch.

I woke up before him and headed downstairs for a few minutes, getting dressed. Realizing how late it was, I went up to wake him. Upstairs, I crawled on top of the blanket, between his legs, slithering up his body the blanket still acting as a barrier. "Time to wake up," I said positioning myself so his cock, under the blanket still, was pressed between my breasts. I arched and moved against him, rubbing him up and down that way.

Finally, he moved and I moved off him. He groaned pathetically and got up, getting dressed. As he did so I grabbed a book he'd given me for Christmas two years ago. A book I'd asked for and promptly never read. I began leafing through the pages, waiting for him to finish so we could make a decision about dinner. He headed to the bathroom and then downstairs. I went to the bathroom and then back to bed.

Laying on the bed I pulled my pants down, too lazy to take them off, and began reading my book and caressing my pussy. It wasn't long before I was dipping my fingers inside to gather the wetness and rub my clit. After a few minutes of that I could feel myself getting close to cumming. Which is when I happened to look up and see my husband in the doorway.

He was glancing inside, his face a mask of shock and embarrassment. I stopped, looking at him. "I... was wondering what you were doing..." he said.

I smiled, "I'm masturbating," I informed him. As if he couldn't tell.

He stood there for another moment. "Umm...."

I inhaled deeply, "thinking about dinner?"

"Yeah.... were you... about to...?"

I thought for a second, "no, I wasn't that close."

He smiled tightly, "well... then it'll be better."

I shrugged, "so... I guess I'll finish up and we can get dinner..."

"Yeah okay," he said he turned and went back downstairs.

Maybe two minutes later, I was done. And I came downstairs in good spirits.

All the while thinking that if Keith had been husband... I somehow envision the ultimate outcome would have been very similar but the road to it would have been a hell of a lot more interesting. A hell of a lot more interesting. Dammit.

I want Keith so much. I idealize him. But I doubt he would have left me there alone, having walked in on me so close to orgasm.


Hot girl on girl action, baby.

I bring this up because for some reason when I think about magazines... when I think about sexy women in magazines... I keep thinking about Smooth Girl. That magazine was in my store once and I have since become obsessed with it. We've never carried it since that one day when I came across it, but I still think about it. A lot.

I don't remember reading a single word in the issue. I only remember flipping through it and being shocked at the raw carnality of the photos inside. Maybe it wasn't so much the raw carnality so much as my reaction which surprised me. Page after page of these luscious curvy women posed provocatively. The issue I picked up was the Latina issue, so the majority of the women were exotic, sexy, bronzed beauties.

It's not very often that the models featured in a magazine are not rail thin. Yet many of the women in the magazine were not. It's the CURVES I remember. My god. What has Playboy been hiding from me all these years? If only I'd known.

I want very much to BE like that. Never in my life have I been more sure that I NEVER want to wear a size 2 or 4. NEVER. Because these women are so fucking HOT in their curves.


Don't ask.

Work today was... well... I was there. And tired as hell. But I got some stuff done which is always good.

Nils came in, but he was flanked by one of his coworkers I don't remember having seen him with. He's usually pretty solitary, though everyone seems to know him. However, he was certainly with someone this time. One of the guys I'm reasonably sure is gay. So he didn't get to stand around and talk to me which was terribly disappointing to me. However, he mocked my last name which was on the nametag I was wearing today. He always mocks me. And I always crave him. His mocking gave me the opportunity to study his face more intently. He was wearing his sunglasses again so I find my eyes roving around his face, concentrating on his lips...

It just occured to me that maybe he's not blind behind those glasses. Maybe he sees the way my gaze lingers on his mouth.... Mmm.

The only thing that worries me is that if Nils DOESN'T know about my AFF profile... well... the more people who see him talking to me... the more likely someone is going to tell him. And that could either be a good or a bad thing. I'm not sure which. But considering I want to fuck him soundly it might not be a bad thing to have someone tell him....

Monday, January 30, 2006


I hate reading fantasies written in first person. I hate reading that whole "I'll run my fingers up and down..." or whatever. There's something about that style of writing that fails to appeal to me. Which is pretty funny since I keep writing in it. But since my writing is actually aimed at a very specific person and everyone else is merely a voyeur it seems only right that I do write in the first person. But... maybe I should try to branch out. The drawback being that 3rd person tends to require more detail. I used to always write that way. I'm not sure I have the patience anymore.

I was re-reading a story I wrote years ago, back when I was in high school. While I was still a virgin. It's amusing to read. How different things are now that I'm older... and how much the same.

From then:

He was hugely swollen and hard. I reached out and wrapped my fingers around him. I could feel him throbbing and thick, hard as steel, and soft as velvet. I fondled him, eliciting more than one groan from him. Finally, I leaned down and tasted him hesitantly. He groaned even louder and twined his fingers in my hair, holding me close. Tentatively, I tasted him again. He has that sweet taste of skin. Slowly, I took him into my mouth more fully, sucking on him greedily.

And what I'd write NOW:

He was hard. I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his cock. I could feel his heartbeat in my hand, and the way his cock hardened even more as I tugged gently, squeezing out a drop of precum. I listened to his harsh breathing and felt his hands on my shoulders pushing me gently downward, demanding relief. I leaned down, letting my tongue flick across his cock head, lapping up the string of precum there, my eyes glued to his face gauging his reaction. He groaned, his eyes on my mouth as he began to gather up my hair to improve the view. I leaned down to lick around the head again, before very slowly taking his cock into my mouth. His fingers twined in my hair, urging me to take him deeper. I sucked greedily, my tongue sliding back and forth over the sweet skin...

Anyway. That's the difference that experience makes, I suppose.

Saw 'em.

Nils came in. I didn't much get to talk to him. I was talking to another cop when he walked in, the other cop telling me about how he's "not a REAL cop" which is the same fucking thing I say to Nils. So Nils walks in and I told the guy "oops, I don't think I should have this conversation anymore. HE gets pissy about it." So Nils starts wandering around the store muttering. "what?" I said. He repeated himself. "What?" I said again, still not hearing him. He repeated himself a third time and finally I just smiled blankly. So he added something else to his first comment and stared at me as I looked utterly confused. Finally I said "look, I didn't hear what you said in the first place so I thought I'd just smile and nod at you and that'd be good enough...." He looked vaguely bemused and wandered away.

So Nils wandered the store for a while and I stared at him. I tried not to but I couldn't help it. And of course I had my silly physical reaction... my heart speeding up, my breathing more labored, hands shaking just a little. Nervous. I rang him up and he went on his way without us being able to have a good conversation.

A few hours later he came back in with three other guys. Unfortunately he didn't talk to me much. However, I swore he said something about me wanting him. Except I couldn't have heard him right. I didn't even twitch because he wasn't really talking to me and I wasn't sure what I heard. However, I liked the idea of him knowing. This time, too, I didn't get to converse with him, much to my disappointment.

A bit later the store filled with people in a way I've never seen in the evening. I had the kind of line that is usually only seen early in the morning. Sam came in around then as the line was about 8 or 9 people long. I looked at him and saw him take in the line and I shook my head. He wandered the store for a long while as I got rid of the line before finally coming through. I asked if he did anything this weekend and he said "no, didn't leave the house." Knowing he has a live in girlfriend I said "well, I don't get how you can... actually... no I can imagine exactly what you were doing all weekend" and laughed but left it at that. He didn't really respond and as I got a chatty guy coming through my line, he left. So once again I was left unsatisfied. Where was the fun banter? I think that might be over since I came on to him.

MP came in, too. And I ended up flirting with him and being bitchy. He grabbed a pretzel stick and started to hand it to me when I wasn't ready. "I don't want that, right now" I said. "Well, when DO you want my stick?" "In just a minute," I told him. "You going to close down the store?" I laughed, "I don't think I'll need to. Most men only take a few minutes anyway." I thought about it for a second and said "huh, I must be bitter, sorry." So we flirted a tiny bit more and I told him that someone else had asked about my AFF profile. "One of us?" he asked, referring to his cop status. "Yeah. Y'all are a bunch of perverts." He seemed to find that amusing. I wonder if thinks I'm going to fuck the other guy. Hell, I probably would. Okay, almost definitely would if he was a good kisser, at least, since he's way fucking cute.

As things are going with MP and I flirting all the time I'd actually consider giving it up to him. The idea of closing the store for a few minutes so I can get him hard... and send him on his way sounds thrilling to me. I think I want to feel his cock. Just to say I did. But then it's not nice to be a tease.

Lastly, the really super duper hot cop who looks like a movie star came in today. I'm working hard on not being like... star struck around him. However it's really hard. I keep having to remind myself to treat him like a normal person. But god damn. So beautiful. I was playing "Lump" by the Presidents of the United States of America and he started singing along. I don't remember his voice so much as being thrilled that he liked my music.

Tomorrow I open which means... not so much excitement, unfortunately.


I did nothing this weekend. Although I did get pretty drunk Saturday night. Because I could. And watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. That movie is HYSTERICAL. On the other hand, I don't find White Castle to be all that hysterical since I had a run in with not being able to go there while I was in Nashville despite the fact that it was all I wanted in the whole wide world. I, however, did not have a car.

Meanwhile, today at work I'm reasonably sure Sam will be there. He informed me a bit ago that he pretty much ALWAYS works out on Mondays which means I should pretty much ALWAYS see him if I close on Mondays. Which it just so happens I do this and next week. This would be a bigger deal to me if he didn't freakin' have a girlfriend and make no sense. However, I'm still pretty pleased because he is SUCH eye candy to me.

Nils will probably be in, too. He didn't come in Friday. Not knowing his schedule anymore surely makes it hard to be a stalker. However, assuming Friday was one of his days off and assuming they get their days off together (which is generally a good bet) I should therefore see him today. Not sure what's going to come of that. It's always a surprise whether he'll stay and talk or run in and leave. Although he's been in a stunningly good mood the last couple of times so I can always hope....

Keith was pretty much no where to be found this weekend. He apparently spent much of it with his kids. I totally get that. It doesn't mean I wasn't totally disappointed to like... not hear from him at all. I mean, I heard some from him but... not enough. Not sure there's ever "enough" when it comes to him, though. However, that lack of enough is troubling to me. I sometimes send things... say things... and get no response.... I'm not really sure what to think of my feelings on the matter but... maybe it's good to have that kind of... distance. Except I still spend my days thinking about him wondering what life with him would REALLY be like for me. So... yeah... what am I talking about? Get over it. Righto.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


I have this sable makeup brush. It's large and full headed, with long luxurious hairs.

I dip it in makeup and run it over my face caressingly, enjoying the softness and smoothness.

Today I ran it down my arm, down my fingers, feeling the sable hairs tickling the flesh.

I imagine you laying naked on the bed. Blind folded. Maybe tied up, your arms and legs bound carefully so you have no control. You are mine. Submissive. My slave for the night. Your body now my canvas.

I imagine running it delicately up and down your arms and legs, across your chest to tease your nipples. The brush would delicately tease your flesh raising goose bumps. I'd tease you until you moan.

The brush would find it's way down to your hard cock, swirling and teasing around its length until you're dripping precum. Your hips would move reflexively, your body still bound. Still my slave. My slut. My love.

I'd take away the sensations, then, listening to your breathing as your cock continues to ache. Another brush then. This one dipped in ice water, streaking thin lines across your flesh like a blade. Each touch of the brush causing you to jump from the coldness... as my hot tongue retraces the lines licking away the wet streak and leaving a wider one behind....


Friday while I was at work a red head came in. We get a few of them now and again, pale white men with their shock of orangy-red or red-brown hair in their olive drab uniforms. I once heard a comic talking about how sexually unappealing that particular color hair in a male is. What male Hollywood sex symbol has red hair? Potsy from Happy Days? Right.

These days everytime a red head comes in I look a little longer. Smile a little brighter than I have to.



Saturday, January 28, 2006

Made part 2

The thing with the guy.... He was all "why'd you change everything? I saw that you changed your profile and it said due to privacy issues... is it because of me?!" And I told him no, of course not. Because it had everything to do with my old co-worker finding me and me thinking about this blog and nothing what-so-ever to do with anything else. Which is essentially what I told him. So yes, I mentioned this blog to him. Which was kind of dumb. But I'd be terribly impressed if he remembered my OdalisqueK nickname from the site, previously.

Anyway. Between MP and now this guy and MP telling me about ANOTHER guy who found my ad and apparently told him "hey, want to hear something funny...?" and proceeded to tell MP about my ad... well... yeah.. near as I can tell I'm the area slut and I haven't even fucked one of them. NOT ONE.

So I'm still reasonably sure Sam is none the wiser. To him I'm just some chick. But now I'm wondering if Nils is nearly as innocent about the whole business as I thought he was. And if he's NOT... well... you know... maybe that's why he doesn't really talk to me when the other guys are around. It kind of makes sense that way. Wouldn't want to be associated with the local whore, right?

Husband insists that if I DID have that reputation Nils would know exactly where to find me... right?

Makes me glad I've never really asked after Nils, personally. People might talk.


So today MP came in. I was the only one in the store (not that he knew that, but it was a safe guess in a Saturday) and he wolf whistled at me. Which I thought was kind of funny. So we ended up flirting and talking about the site we "met" on. He told me that someone else had recognized me but he'd never told anyone and even that particular guy didn't know that HE already knew about me. "Which guy?!?" I asked. "He doesn't work here anymore," he told me.

We ended up flirting for a long while and as I knelt down by one of the low shelves he walked up to me and said "well, as long as you're down there." By then, of course, someone else had come into the store so I said "yes but if I do that for YOU then that guy's going to see and EVERYONE is going to want one." Because, you know... I'm funny that way. I should have run my hand up his thigh. Just to see if I could get a reaction. But that's SO not my style.

About an hour later another of the cops came in. He's a seriously boyishly cute guy whom I've been friendly with for a while. He's married, I remember learning. And smokes. But cute as hell. Seriously. We've exchanged chit chat now and again and it just so happened today I was in another of my moods that I get into. So he showed me a copy of some Soldier of Fortune magazine and made mention of one of the "headlines." I now forget exactly what it was but it said something about "one sniper, two head shots" or something like that and he said "but I have to read it to find out what the MEANS!" And I stared at it for a long moment and started giggling.

He stared at me for a second and said "you have a DIRTY mind." Which caused me to blush uncontrollably which caused him to say "and now you're blushing!" which only made me blush harder. I couldn't even LOOK at him. Finally as I continued to turn redder and redder I told him "I'm just going to keep blushing until you LEAVE." He paused mid-payment (he was paying with credit card and therefore was using the machine) to stare at me. Just to mock.

So I started telling him how dirty my mind really is. By telling him the story of the guys with their pineapple juice. There's another part of the story I need to tell now, tangental but important. The guy who ran back to his dorm room to get his money returned today... and bought two more cans of pineapple juice. I started giggling immediately and finally asked him "seriously... why are you buying pineapple juice?" He smiled looking vaguely bashful before saying "I don't know." "Enough said," I laughed.

So I shared the ENTIRE story with this cop... and had to at least start explaining about the supposed effects of pineapple juice on seman. I had barely started to talk about that when he nodded his understanding. So we talked about that, too for a few moments before he left. "Don't tell anyone about this conversation!" I warned him. He looked at me for a moment and said "I'm not... I don't.... I'm not like that." Or something like that, and walked out the door.

So I walked around the register to work on doing this crazy cleaning thing to the door that the manager asked me to do (and no I'm not going to tell you what but it's weird and it had my on my knees, once again, this time at the door). Apparently I came around the counter rather quickly because he hadn't exited the second set of doors that marks the end of the lobby area. So as I knelt down to clean the doors, I watched as he started to walk out... paused... stood there for a second, turned around and looked at me... paused again... and then finally turned around and came back inside.

He stopped, standing over me. He moved his mouth several times... not a word escaping. So I stared at him expectantly. Before he finally settled on "...did I send you something online a while ago?" I stared at him needing no further prompting to know exactly what he meant. I smiled slightly vaguely embarassed at having been outted AGAIN. "...I don't know... I mean... I wouldn't know.. would I?" I said. He started to speak again, maybe even said something trying to be more clear without being more clear. So I responded with "Yes. I mean, you must have. It's me. I know exactly what you're talking about but... I don't know. I don't remember."

So apparently he sent me a message via my personal ad saying.. I have no idea what. And I apparently didn't respond to it at all. And he was trying to figure out what that was about. He seemed to feel it important to mention at least once that he wasn't coming on to me he was just asking.

Which meant that once again I was having a conversation about that site. With a cop. And oh my god that site must be FULL of cops. Might as well call it Cop Friend Finder and be done with it. Whatever the case may be, I didn't remember his message and I continue to feel bad about it. I wish I knew what I'd missed. He informed me that he'd used the "code" and I'd apparently completely missed it. I know EXACTLY what "code" he's talking about and I STILL don't know what message it was. But it's long gone. Apparently sent to my profile instead of my new one.

So I'm vaguely disappointed that I don't know what his ad says... and amused because I kind of like knowing someone who knows my "secret" and knowing that I know his, too. I also mentioned this blog. But I'm drunk and can't seem to remember what else I was going to type. More later if I sober up, maybe...

Friday, January 27, 2006


So the store's about to close. 15 minutes 'til. And this guy comes in. "You close at six, right?" I nodded. "okay, good, I have to run back to my room but I'll be back!" and off he goes. Fine. Whatever. I'll wait for him if I have to. So just a couple of minutes later he returns. And buys a single (large) can of pineapple juice.

I ring it up and then look at him, "...you have a pineapple juice emergency?" He laughed, "yeah."

I thought about it for a second. Pineapple juice. Semen. Ah. That might qualify as an emergency to some men. Although the effects of drinking pineapple juice aren't supposed to be IMMEDIATE. And then of course I started laughing.

And he didn't know why. So when his friend came through with a big can of the juice, too, I lost control. "She's laughing at me" the first guy explained.

Except I wasn't. I'm a total fucking pervert is the thing. Who thinks of these things except ME?

Still better-ish.

We have inventory tomorrow. I did what I could but I feel like I'm going to hear that it wasn't enough. Whatever. I can't ever do enough for some people and I mostly accept that, although it irritates the shit out of me.

Meanwhile, no sign of Nils. I was SO disappointed. I kept holding my breath everytime someone walked in and in fact had the very odd experience of being really disappointed when Sam walked in because it wasn't Nils and at the very same moment excited that Sam came in. It was the oddest feeling of my stomach dropping out and my heart pounding all at the same moment. Very odd.

Unfortunately at the same time as Sam came in I was asking one of the managers (not my manager but another one who'd come to help us get ready for inventory) how to do something in the computer. Unfortunately, English isn't her first language and apparently she didn't really know, either. But wouldn't SAY that.

So Sam wandered the store and I waited impatiently for her to show me what to do. Sam came up to be rung up and I ignored him momentarily, knowing he'd "get" that I was busy and would wait his turn. So I told her that I'd forgotten to check something about the item and she'd need to do that. And I went to ring him up. And she asked me if I'd checked that particular thing about the item. To which I replied that I had NOT (like I'd just fucking said) and she'd need to do that. And then I rolled my eyes at Sam and he laughed. Because he GETS it.

"Tomorrow's inventory," I told him. He nodded, raised his cup of coffee to me and left.

I was so sad to see him go. But it was maybe good for me to not have to deal with the emotional fall out from yesterday. Monday I'll do better. Right? ...right?


Listening to: Tool- Sober
Thinking: Am I that person in the song?
Wishing: I could play it at work.

Keith, knowing I need him, was online this morning. Actually, he sent me an e-mail first. The most important line in the entire e-mail I need you as much as you need me. Suddenly my heart hurt a lot less.

It was hard to get up this morning. I considered intentionally oversleeping. Now that I'm up I'm okay. Depression... mostly gone. It's bright and pretty outside. One of the things I'm going to painfully miss about this area when we move back Seattle. Seasonal affective disorder... here I come! Much as I miss Seattle that is probably the very highest reason on my list to NOT want to go back. Though I love the rain.

I'm proud to say that last night I worked out both cardio and weights despite my failing mood. I didn't eat so well, but it's one of the GOOD things I can look back on about yesterday.

And of course the fact that Sam remains one of the hottest guys EVER. The funny thing is that despite the setback with Sam... I still think I might tell Nils what I think of him. Unless of course he continues to fail to let me get a word in edge-wise. Maybe he's trying to avoid hearing it... but you know... I don't want to ask him out. I just want to tell him he's hot.

He said he was working M-F. He better get his ass into the store today. And not while my co-worker is there, dammit.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Damn it.

Yeah, I ended up crying about it anyway. What a big baby.

Actually, it's not just that. It's that husband is so close and prefers to pretend my sexuality doesn't exist. Martin is ignoring me utterly, probably put off by the fact that I haven't let him be my only lover. Troy is... well... I'm tempted to put him back into the picture (if he'd have me) just to have SOMEONE to fuck. Sam is clearly no longer an option... not that he ever realistically was. I SAID he was too good for me and I should have known better. Nils... well... Nils might not be too good for me but... probably. And of course Keith is a million miles away and while I keep up the fantasy... at moments like these it crashes down and I realize how little he and I DO have.

And I cry. And cry.

Tomorrow I'm going to look like ass for it. That's great since I'm insecure AND vain.

Woe is me, right? But you know what? It's my right to feel sorry for myself sometimes.

Why the FUCK did I say anything to Sam?! At least before I had the fantasy. Something to focus on besides my own empty misery....

Probably in the morning I'll feel better. I hope. Because this is really, really bad.

Crash. Burn.

Nils came in. I barely remember what happened. He hung around a little. He mocked my joke that I told him like a month ago. And then mocked me for calling him "not a real cop." And then he asked me what exactly it is I want him to do. "We're not here to take out crack houses or keep people from walking the streets, you know." I laughed at him, because he IS right. However, as he was walking out the door I asked "So, wait... are you saying I can be a street walker around here?" then yelled after him "can I whore myself out?!?" He didnt' respond but the next customer laughed her ass off. It was great.

Anyway, later on Sam came in. And for no apparent reason I started telling him about one of my embarrassing moments in jr. high and how it related to something that happened earlier in the day. "I just need to tell this story," I told him. It did not apparently warrant any kind of return story. However, I really just needed to share it. Really, Keith would have been the one to appreciate it. But whatever.

He hung around a long time as the store was SUDDENLY very busy. It was slowing down... and he was ready to come through the line... and it was SUDDENLY very busy again. It was the most annoying thing. Finally he gave up waiting and came through my line. As people kept filing in I had to laugh and roll my eyes that people would NOT fucking stay away. It was busier while he was there than it had been all fucking day. As he came through my line he told me, "You're busy again, I see." I nodded, "it's your fault." He smiled and moved on. I didn't watch him as he left.

However right about that time the store cleared out except for one guy talking on his cell phone and wandering around. So I looked and Sam was out in the store lobby area. So I walked out there and asked him "so... is that girl you live with your girlfriend?" "yes," he replied. I nodded sagely, "then I guess it'd be inappropriate to invite you to visit the (land mark) with me." He didn't say anything so I added "I mean, you know I'm married so it's not like... but yeah... I wouldn't want to be inappropriate." And I wandered back into the store. "I should have made that clear before," he told me, talking about the fact that the girl he lives with his is girlfriend.

He came inside again, I think he felt bad. We talked for a few minutes about nothing as I tried to hold myself together. And then he left. And for about 10 seconds I seriously considered crying. But got that together and tried to think about how very proud Keith would be of me. How proud I should be of myself for having said anything at all. And how surprisingly okay with it I really was... because in a way I was afraid getting to be with Sam would ruin what I feel for Keith. So... yeah... I'm not thrilled but I'll get over it.

At this point I'm going to see exactly how things change with Sam. I ought to feel a little freer to express interest in him because of course we both know where we stand, now. On the other hand, I'm really painfully disappointed and am a little bitter about the way he led me on the way he did.

So. Yeah. That was my crash and burn.

Next up... ruining my fantasies of Nils....

My god.

I'm an avid fan of Dan Savage and have been reading his column since I was a teen. When I lived in Seattle he even had a sex advice radio show on a local independant station that ran from 10PM to 1AM Sunday nights called "Savage Love Live" and I'd stay up all night listening to it only to have to get up at four hours later to go to school. It was well worth it, let me tell you.

His most recent column includes a "web extra" full of letters from people responding to a previous column. I read one of the letters and... oh my god... it looks just like something I could have written. Almost to the letter. Except for the illness part... and the Canadian part... this could be me.

...When I bring up the subject of his continual rejection of me sexually, my husband insists he is attracted to me. He claims that his sexual orientation is straight and that his libido is “normal.” He tells me he masturbates “all the time.” Of course, I have wondered if my husband is simply lying to me. Perhaps he is only truly aroused by something that I am not and can never be: a man, a child, a wildebeest, or perhaps most painful of all, a different kind of woman. When my husband does make love to me though, he is generous, if not adventurous. His erection is strong and very long lasting. He achieves orgasm and seems to enjoy himself immensely. And then, it seems, he never needs to do THAT again! And if it weren’t for my threats and ultimatums, he probably never would. I love him and want to renounce sex for him, but can’t...


...Once, I decided to try not touching him for a whole day. It did not have the desired effect, so I experimented by not touching him the next day either.

After two months of not touching my husband, nor being touched by him, I asked him if he was aware that we had not touched, even a hand to a shoulder in passing, in over eight weeks. He hadn’t noticed....

My god.

I thought I was alone.

Good Morning

I woke up this morning very, very tired. I thought about the fact that Keith would probably not be online for at least another hour and decided to hit the snooze. I've never actually hit the snooze alarm before. But like most of them, I believe my clock gives you 7 more minutes to rest. So I fell back asleep. Somewhere around the fourth minute I re-awoke and lay there suddenly inexplicably horny.

Generally speaking if husband is home and I wake up there are a few things that race through my mind. None of them about sex. Among them "if I move the dogs will be awake and demand to go outside right now," "if I get up HE might wake up and isn't THAT like a waking a bear," or "great, he's already up which means if *I* get up he's going to still be tired... and therefore an asshole." If it's the last thought sometimes I do stay in bed and start fantasizing and touching myself. Otherwise... morning sex is not something I'll even consider.

This morning, though, husband was long gone. The dogs had therefore already been outside and were sleeping peacefully and I was free to explore my body with my hands. I let my fingers caress down my breasts and stomach carrying the blankets downward with them until I could touch my thighs and then my pussy. I slide a finger inside only to discover I was dry. How could my clit be so swollen and sensitive and my pussy be so dry? I moved my hand and began to caress myself again, working on getting myself wet.

I spread my lips a little and placed a finger against my clit gently letting my hand move teasing back and forth over it so I could get a little relief from the ache there. My body began to respond and I could feel the wetness starting ever so slowly. I arched my hips against my hand a little and then spread my legs wider, pulling them up closer to my body.

I thought of how he took me, "he's so unsubtle with his fucking," I thought. I thought of the way he would move into position, spreading me open with swift movements his cock at the ready and then deep inside within moments. His hips moving with speed and depth, no thought to finesse at that moment but only of the driving, pounding rhythm he needed. I could feel myself getting wet, then. I moaned his name as I continued to touch myself.

I love waking up horny.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


I got two compliments on my hair recently. The color apparently, is a hit. It's a lovely dark shade of red which I like since it matches my eyes so well. I wasn't going to do it but... well... I do look rather nice this way and it makes me feel confident and maybe even a little pretty. Always a good thing. Plus... compliments are great. Especially when one of them was from some random man who happened to be walking past me in a store. Nice.

Nils came in and he kept his eyes to the other side of the store as he walked in. So I used that time to let my eyes run over him in his dark blue uniform, his jacket, his legs.... I finally looked away to complete the task at hand (ringing up a customer) and when I looked back he'd swung his head around to me. "There she is!" he said. I bit my lips together trying to hold back a smile and failed miserably looking, probably, far too pleased. And then I had to walk away from the register and got to talk to him not at all.

The big deal thing that happened today messed up his schedule so he came in a full three hours earlier than normal, with a bunch of other guys. I was so disappointed.

There was no sign of Sam, either. I wandered into the gym several times just on the off chance he might be walking past where I was at that moment. I've got this incredible need to see him in his workout clothes... less than his BDU's, different than his jeans... I just want to see what he looks like in a t-shirt. Sweaty would be a plus, too. Sweaty, maybe a little red....

One of the cops came in today. A cute one. Another one I'm sure must be gay and if he's not... well... he probably gets hit on by guys a lot. He asked about something on the counter and I told him he could take one. But he said he didn't want it. So in my head I said "you know, it's not often someone says 'take me! Take me now! I want to go home with you NOW!" Except I didn't say it. I just thought it. And then I had to try to bite back a laugh. And he said "what?" And I couldn't SAY it because I don't KNOW this guy and I started blushing furiously. Which I'm sure made it seem a lot more interesting than it was.

This morning Keith and I had a nice chat. Some days for us are better than others. Sometimes I get melancholy thinking about not having him. He made some joke that he'd be in the area next month and referenced valentine's day... a day that means no more to me than any other. However, it made me really sad because I want so badly to be with him again and the whole romance of Valentine's day... well... I want that, too. I want to see him again, either to clear him out of my system for good or... know that I need to be with him for real.

The end of the conversation went something like... that I needed to come to him. Now. That I'd be happy. For a while. (which made me laugh). I wish it were so easy to just up and go as he suggests. Husband, however, would kill me. Or at least a thorough maiming were I to do something so selfish as that. I wouldn't blame him.

Sometimes I think about what I'd do if husband were in a situation like I'm in, now. I'm not sure I'd be a big fan of him continuing his relationship with the woman that'd so totally captivated his mind and body. I'm not sure I'd be able to be understanding of that as he is. And I can't help but think it's unacceptable of me to continue just knowing that. However, I'm not sure I'd accept him telling me "no" to my relationship with Keith, either. I'd probably just continue to communicate with him secretly... and ultimately that'd be a big problem for everyone.

Ah, the drama. The drama.

Bitch bitch...

There's another "cop" (a slightly more specialized version) who I think might be digging me quite a lot. Which is funny because I totally don't dig him at all. I'm not really sure what to make of him, either. Because he really LOOKS at me like a lot of people DON'T.

Also there's another cop who looks ever so vaguely like my "favorite" male porn store (except WAY cuter and less duck-like) who comes in all the time. And I can't help but assume dude's gay. Because he's cute as hell but was hanging out with a really painfully obviously (once you think about it) gay cop and that's when he started flaming. And I find it really disappointing. Except it's okay because it just kind of keeps me from wasting my time wanting to fuck him.

Meanwhile, there's a big deal going on here today which is going to result in much irritation for me if I don't leave for work extra early. So I'm going to have a to bring a book and sit there for a while and try not to be pissed off about that particular big deal disrupting my day. Or maybe it won't be that big of a deal... except the very fact that I will be going to work early so I can read is going to piss me off. Maybe I'll sit in the car. For an hour....

Also, I keep getting minor headaches in the morning. I think I've been drinking too much caffeine. Something about Coke Zero does that to me... but it's my drink of choice when I'm tired. Wakes me right up and keeps me up for hours.

Last night after I worked out I sat down and was just plain horny. This isn't an abnormal state for me to be in, of course. However, it was more pressing, somehow. And more mental and physical. I didn't feel the overwhelming desire to masturbate so much as I just wanted to share my desire with someone. Of course Keith became the target of my lust. He often is.

I sent him a short email at work detailing some of what I wanted from him. Then I wrote another scenario and sent that to his home e-mail address. And followed those two up with the posting I put up here. Each posting was a different scene. Each went a little further than the last. Each was a fantasy I was having at the time. It was a delicious thing to get to do. Something I haven't done in years, maybe. Really sit down and type out my fantasies. Usually I write story form... this is what happens... this is how it feels... but seeing as these things were ABOUT someone... well... it's a little harder.

Something else that just struck me. I think Keith is by far the sexiest man I know. Nils gets my hormones raging, Sam makes me all googly eyed. Keith does both. I've shared with him far more than I usually do... with anyone. He knows so many of my desires.. my likes and dislikes... things most people never have the opportunity to know about. I've told him what it is that he does which is particularly arousing. And it struck me then. He's going to be able to use that knowledge on OTHER WOMEN. What. The. Fuck. That's just not right. Never mind that I've already taken some of the stuff I learned from him and passed it on... it's very galling to realize what I want is RIGHT THERE and someone else gets it. FUCKING HELL.


Last night I went out and ran with the fat dog. He's only capable of about the same amount of exercise I am at this point. I've been pretty true to the elliptical and I'm thrilled to discover it's done a very good job of getting me in better running condition than I've been in years. Which isn't saying much, really. However, it's nice to have quietly and unexpectedly built up my endurance to a point where I surprised myself. And I remember back a couple of years ago... and I think of how really sexy and sexual I felt... and I think... yeah... I want that again....

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A quick post

Since I'm bound for bed.

Sam came in today. I couldn't hardly talk to him because my boss was there and I didn't want to get in trouble for not getting anything done. Plus, I don't know my coworkers (or boss) to know about my close association with him. Or the one I long for, anyway. It just seems like a bad idea.

Anyway, so he came in and I asked him if he was going to visit a local tourist destination. He said "yes, soon." And that was the end of the conversation. I really wanted to ask him to go WITH me... but I didn't want to ask him while my boss was around. Which was so disappointing. So he told me he was going to head out to the gym and as he left he winked at me.

And I find myself at a bit of a loss. Did he figure out that I wanted to ask him out and was winking at my as encouragement for next time? That's really the only logical explaination I can come up with at the moment.

So just watch... he won't be back for the rest of the week. Or tomorrow he'll show up... and my boss' boss will be there to fuck things up for me that way. *sigh*


I want to tackle you as soon as you walk in the door. I want to listen hard for the sound of your car in the drive... you walking up to the door with your keys jingling. As soon as you're inside I want to throw myself against you, slamming the door hard with our bodies... my hands pulling your head down for a hard kiss before you can even catch your breath. My hands would have your shirt up and over your head in a flash, your pants lowered to your ankles as I drop to my knees before you to kiss and lick your thighs, waiting for your cock to come to attention.

I want to take you into my mouth feeling your cock growing between my lips, against my tongue. I want you to drop your keys (and anything else you might be carrying) to tangle your fingers in my hair, guiding my mouth closer, taking you deeper. I want my hands to explore your cock, balls, thighs... anywhere I can reach before digging my nails into your ass letting you know how much I love the taste of your cock, the feel of it sliding against my tongue.

I want you to force my mouth from your cock to push me back on the floor, spreading my legs and burying your cock in my pussy with one swift, hard thrust, your cock filling me to the point of pain in that moment as I arch upward still trying to take more. I want to feel your short, hard thrusts as you impale me sliding deep inside stretching me to accommodate your length and thickness.

I want to feel your teeth on my nipples, your fingers digging into my hips holding me for each thrust as you take me there in the hallway. Because you need me as much as I need you, beloved.

Funny funny body

Last night I was taught a lesson. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. As I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep I thought it very ironic that I'd just written that I haven't been tossing and turning. How poetic. It was only for maybe 10 or 20 minutes but I get it, okay?

Keith came online this morning but only for a few minutes before going to bed at a more decent hour. I fear it's only though his self control that I'm going to be able to exercise my own toward him....

He told me to go workout or something so I did a little dumbell bench press and some skull crushers and called it a day. Then I masturbated. You know... having tired arms doesn't make for the easiest orgasms. On the other hand it was a pretty good one and afterward I was pretty freakin' pleased with myself.

And now... one Met-RX protein shake. Because I worked out, afterall. Ha ha. But more importantly it's a lean source of low cal protein and well... how better to be sexually appealling than to practice drinking the old protein shake. Ha. That was a bad joke.

Troy came online last night and acted very normal. It was kind of funny in a sad sort of way. I wasn't sure if he was trying to be kind by not fucking and then ignoring me or if he really was that clueless. I'm not really sure what to make of it all. However, I think I pissed him off by saying something that maybe sounded like I thought the sex was less than stellar (which we all know it was). So I guess that means he really IS that clueless.

On a side note I didn't mention one of the funny things that happened while I was with him. Well, I found it kind of funny in a not very funny sort of way. I was going down on him, kneeling comfortably between his legs and every so often he'd get all excited and thrust his hips up, driving his cock right into my back teeth. He did it twice... TO HIMSELF... shrieking slightly the second time as he did it more forcefully that time. I pulled away to gaze in awe at his reaction before he finally said "umm.. maybe you could try it from the side." So I switched positions and there were no more mishaps. However, I thought it was pretty funny because I'm sure he blamed me for not taking more care with my teeth but... I'm not that foolish, thanks. In fact, I'm sure he'd quite enjoy if I'd been straddling his body in a 69 rather than the other positions. Too bad he doesn't like eating pussy....

Monday, January 23, 2006

Some really good things...

One of the side benefits of being so obsessed with Keith... I'm getting up more than two hours before work. Which is nice because it gives me a lot more time to start my day... and I get to do it without husband in the house which is a nice treat.

One of the side benefits of being so obsessed with both Nils and Sam is that I workout more often. Because both of them are fitness nuts (at least to a point) I find myself more driven to do the same.

One of the side benefits of having sex with Troy is that it really FEELS like a workout. It's athletic sex, especially when playing in the car. I feel healthy afterward

One of the side benefits of my getting up earlier of my working out (via the ellipical or sex) is that I'm going to sleep much easier at night. No chance of tossing and turning for me. That's VERY nice....

Save the drama fo' yo' momma...

Yeah, that has nothing do with anything.

When I got up I got all ready for work... and then Keith came online. His timing was all but impeccable. In fact when he came online I was standing up in the bathroom staring at my reflection in the mirror silently asking myself what the hell I'm doing with him, with my husband... with any of the guys. I don't have a good answer. "Being selfish" came to mind. But of course we have only one life to live... why not be a little selfish? But you know... not at the expense of those we love. Oh, I don't know.

I headed to work as he got called about something work related, too. When military people get called unexpectedly for work I get a little concerned. Especially HIM. But apparently it was all okay. I was having visions of what it would be like for him to get that kind of call in the middle of sex. Oh how mad would I be? And how impatient for his return....

Meanwhile, at work I took my lunch. I try to take it early enough that Nils won't come in while I'm in the back. Today I apparently failed in that. However, I was taking my afternoon constitutional (my name for the walk around the building I do after I finish eating so I get some light and stretch my legs before I'm locked inside for the rest of the day). While there I saw him walking from the parking lot toward the store. It just so happened my walking (which I tried NOT to change the pace of even though I saw him) was timed perfectly to intersect with his. So we walked to the store together.

Nils talks. A lot. I didn't notice it before and I'm not sure it's because he's a big talker. I'm actually starting to wonder if I make him nervous. If he feels the need to fill the space with talk. He did say something about how I'm his "friend," though which I like. I seriously barely got a word in edge wise except to mock him about being a "cop." I laughed at him and told him "you're not even a REAL cop!" and he went on to try to defend that he IS because they go through the same training that all the federal agents go through and blah blah blah. I laughed at him. "You can't even give a SPEEDING ticket!" He claimed he could and I argued. Because I know better. And he conceded.

Once inside he began talking to my coworker the way he does... going on and on about how BAD I am and how I said he wasn't a REAL cop and wouldn't it surprise me to know he'd actually made an ARREST (which sounded like he'd done that all of ONCE) to which I responded "yes, that would surprise me!" HA! My coworker (whom I really don't LIKE and who doesn't like ME) started jumping on me a bit (and I really think she meant it whereas he was teasing). So when he left I chased him out of the building and told him he shouldn't talk like that because she BELIEVES him and he said "I KNOW!" and continued on. I turned back around with a "see you tomorrow!". Fucker.

I was amused but I remain somewhat confused by his behavior. On the other hand, it's that serious kind of teasing that I adore about him. Because that's how I see myself and I like it. Except I think he's better at it than I am.

Later on, Sam came in. Just as I was giving up all hope that he would. I was cleaning and he commented on what I was doing asking some inane question which I answered. Afterward I wandered back to doing something else and let him get his coffee and do whatever it is he DOES. Of course he headed over to the magazines but I let him have a minute or two before I started talking to him. At which point a million billion people came in. He got in line and paid for his stuff and I could see he was ready to leave so even though I was trying to be attentive to my customers I started talking to him over the top of them.

So he stayed and wandered back to the magazines. In fact I thought he'd left by the time I finished the long ass line but he was squatting down, well hidden looking at some magazine. But after everyone had left he stood up and I tried to get something done. And gave up because I couldn't even READ at that point, which is what I needed to do.

Anyway, we got into a conversation and I found out that the person he lives with IS a female. And I'm still not sure exactly what his relationship to her is. However, I'm willing to bet either it's his girlfriend or she wants to BE his girlfriend... because dude is fucking HOT. God knows *I* want to be his girlfriend. Anyway, I'm reasonably sure.

Also, he's given me PLENTY of openings to suggest outings with him. And I'm thinking I'm going to have to take him up on that and suggest something. Unfortunately, I need to first figure out what it is he likes to DO. Which means... ah yes... more conversation.... Woe is me, eh?

Anyway. I asked him what he did with his weekend and apparently he rented a couple of movies I'd never heard of (apparently he hadn't either). He asked me what I did and I said something like "well... I did something... but I'm not going to talk about it!" Which was stupid as hell. But I was thinking about admitting I'd gone on a date (not so much that I'd fucked some guy) but chickened out because I wasn't sure I wanted to open that can of worms. So we talked a little more and he finished his coffee and asked if I was going to tell him what I did this weekend. I declined. So he told me, "alright, well I guess I'll head to the gym," he stared at me for a long moment and said "wow, you're staring to blush. Musta been interesting." Or something like that and left.

And boy oh boy was I red.

Never mind that I got exactly what I wanted at least momentarily in there... not only did he stay to talk to me he also... yeah.. that's right... looked at my tits. It's the little things, right? But I saw it as I was leaning against (and over) the counter talking to him. Even as I was totally checking him out and hoping against hope he didn't notice... but not really caring if he did....

He told me he might be back tomorrow and I told him he's not allowed to tell me he's coming back... and then NOT be there because it just makes me mad. Which might have been TMI but... fuck it. I want him. So I can't just SAY it... I can make it plain anyway...

The touch...

Some days, when I get dressed... especially if I'm getting dressed and thinking about the way a particular article of clothing is going to accentuate my breasts... the way the man I'm going to see is going to react to it... my nipples get hard. My breasts start to feel full and achey and just... sexy. I let my hands run down my clothed chest, letting my fingers linger at my nipples... and it's one of the fucking hottest sensations EVER.

I wonder what it is about the feeling of fingers and hands on my clothed body that feels somehow more intimate than the feeling of those same fingers and hands on my naked body. Or maybe it's just the fabric dulling the reality that these are MY hands caressing my body.

I want to be touched so badly.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

What's up.

After SD's comment that I sounded down lately, I figure I might as well write a little before I go to bed. I worked out and took a shower so now my hair's all wet and I hate trying to sleep on a wet pillow.

Obviously I'm dealing with a lot of emotions regarding Keith. And husband. Trying to figure out where I stand, between the two of them. Husband and I have history. He knows all about me, my biggest fears to my stupidest mistakes. Things I don't think I've even admitted to Keith, yet. Husband and I have this long history and friendship. Most of the time (at least 75% of the time) I still really like him. He's funny and smart and... constant. He's always here for me and I can count on the fact that he will always be here for me.

With Keith... well... who knows? I still don't know him well enough to even imagine what being with him would be like. For starters the sex is AWESOME and I see that as something that would only get better with time, rather than worse. On the other hand, he IS in the military and goes away from home quite a lot. Consistancy... the whole "being there" thing... well.. it's not his strong suit. He can't really HELP that and I understand that... but it doesn't make things easier. He's funny and attentive.

Keith is very much the unknown. And maybe it makes him glamorous. But he's so far away. So different from me. And yet it just seems so RIGHT so much of the time. However, I think about some of the things we've talked about and think "I can't BE that for him." Thus the obediant housewife thing of today. I wanted to see how far I could carry it. I wanted to see just how long I could deal with the idea of all of these things being my JOB in the way that he's told me he'd expect it to be. And I'm just not that girl. I can't BE what he wants. And I'd try. Oh god would I try.

So I seem doom and gloom for a relationship between Keith and I. But the fantasy is so fucking spectacular. So easy to keep alive with the distance between us. But I know better. I do. And so does he.... But the fantasy is so sweet. And the sex was so good. And he's just so... sexy, gentle... charming... all these wonderful things that I just NEED so badly. He accepts my love in a very... appreciative way I've never really experienced before. And it just floors me. I WANT that in my life.

So I'm dealing with all of that. And at the same time I'm trying NOT to deal with the idea of divorcing my husband, period. Keith or no Keith. Troy asked me yesterday why I'm still with my husband if I'm as dissatisfied as I seem. And I couldn't really give him a better answer than "because I married him." Athiest, feminist, left wing, social liberal that I am... I don't take marriage lightly. Nor divorce. It's important to me and I won't cheapen it by walking out just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the world and I'm dissatisfied with the tint of what I have in front of me.

"Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something."*

It's not an easy thing. I go to tuck husband in at night and lay down at his side, my head resting on his shoulder and I think about all the nights we've done that. All the conversations we've had that way... and the fact that he still calls me up to tuck him in... still comes to tuck me in when I go to bed first...no matter how upset either of us are about anything. All the things we still share that really MATTER to me. The way he's held me when I cry... something I used to sit in my preadolescent/teenage bedroom and quietly beg god for... just someone to hold me while I cry... and I HAVE that, now.

All those things I needed as a child I get from husband. And the idea of leaving... of starting over yet AGAIN... with a new "family"... or alone... like I've done SO many times in my life, having to leave that entire part of my life behind... it's not something I can just DO. It means walking away from a life I've worked so hard to build... because... why?

I know there are reasons. I know they're good reasons. But it's still not something I could do lightly. And hurting husband that way is so beyond me. He doesn't try all the time. He's lazy and selfish, like most of us are (myself included). But we've been together a long time and I know he loves me.

So I spend my days arguing with myself about my emotions. The rest of the time I spend gazing longingly at Sam and Nils wondering if sleeping with them is going to be the thing that can take me from longing for Keith to being satisfied with both my sex life... and the rest of my life with husband....

I don't know the answers. But the questions lay heavily on my mind. All the time.

*Yeah, that's a movie quote. Suck on it.

Just things.

You know you're lazy when you think you can hear rain outside the window but look up weather.com rather than actually looking out the window to see if it's raining. It is.

Tonight I played the dutiful housewife. All day, actually. Husband was still fast asleep when I got home so I came home and took the more or less "private" time to clean and watch some of the shows I've been leaving on TIVO for too long. I made dinner, cleaned up the plates, and when the football game was on (which I was watching, too) I retrieved him beer and suggested pretzels as an excellent football game snack. Which I then retrieved for him, too. A second beer, some water... I was THERE.

I folded laundry and watched the game as he sat, mindless. Yes, I could have complained... yes he could have helped... but I was curious how much of it I could take. Surprisingly a lot. He's in bed now, and I was thinking of getting some dishes done.

Don't I sound like an obediant, subserviant housewife to YOU? Yeah, well, I'm not. I have my moments but I don't think I could live my life that way. However, I'm thinking at least to a point I'm going to start having to because god knows if I don't do the stuff in this house that needs to get done... no one else does.... Isn't that always the way?

After I tucked husband into bed I became immediately horny. I was going to masturbate but started and realized if I do that I'm probably going to cry. I'm not sure why I know this, I can just tell. I don't need no crying orgasms today, thanks.

I sent a text to Martin and asked him if he's tired of me. I haven't heard back from him. We were having a pretty good back and forth before that so I can only assume he's having a hard time answering the question. Which pretty much answers the question, doesn't it? But then at this point I'd rather have NO lovers than someone who doesn't really want me.

Oh, and the Seahawks won. My team is going to the superbowl. I'm so fucking excited.

Meme Stolen.

This has nothing to do with sex. Well, okay, it comes up ONCE. I was just curious what my answers would be.

Crack open your music player.

How many songs are listed? 3,454

Sort by artist:
First artist: 'Til Tuesday
Last artist: Zoe Hart

Sort by song title:
First Song: #1- Nelly
Last Song:Zwitter- Rammstein (actually husband's song. My last song is Zombie- Cranberries)

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Capitalization- Strong Bad... 7 seconds.
Longest Song: Principals of Lust- Enigma.. 11 minutes 44 seconds.

Sort by album:
First Album: But Seriously- Phil Collins
Last Album: Youth- Collective Soul

First song that comes up on shuffle: I Did It- Dave Matthews Band

How many songs come up when you search for “sex”? 17

How many songs come up when you search for “death”? 9

How many songs come up when you search for “love”? 287

How many songs come up when you search for “the”? 1,324

Is it wrong...

that when I read other people's posts... their erotica... I think of Keith and myself? I can hear him saying these dirty, sexy things... and myself responding as described....

Fucking hot.

More Stories from the bed... and musings.

Last night after I'd cum I was feeling very agreeable. It wasn't really the high that I've experienced at other times. I wasn't particularly dizzy, wiped out, or relaxed. I was just kind of... happy. So after he came, cleaned up, and came back to bed he lay down and I lay down against him, doing my normal post-sex snuggle. I could tell he wasn't particularly into it, which was fine. And then he said "don't start getting all clingy." I stared at him mutely, absolutely disbelieving that he'd say that.

I apparently made a mistake by mentioning the fact that I'd slept with and ultimately fallen in love with Keith. Apparently he assumes that I do that with EVERY guy. And he needed to guard against it or something. Whatever.

As he gazed mindlessly at the TV I watched him. And he asked me "why do you keep staring at me?" I shrugged and closed my eyes. When he'd move I'd open them to look at him again to see what he was doing and he asked again. Finally I told him "you know, I don't really LOOK at people that much. I'm looking at you because I CAN." And left it at that.

I stopped staring at him, then, because it clearly made him uncomfortable and that wasn't my goal. I started touching him, though, caressing his stomach and chest. He pulled the blanket up over his stomach and I took it as a hint to stop touching it and started running my fingers through his chest hair. Everytime the blanket would move down I'd fix it. Finally, he covered his chest with his arm. Later he told me, "I just have this THING about being TOUCHED."


Why the fuck are you having sex with people if you don't like to be TOUCHED?! I mean, for fuck's sake. I LOVE being touched. Yes, I DO have a hard time cumming but I really enjoy foreplay and sex quite a lot. All of it.

So, yeah. Those are my additional stories.

Of course I keep thinking about how things were different with Keith. Trying to figure out the differences between Troy, Keith, husband, and even Martin. And thinking that perhaps Keith got off lucky by only being here for two nights. Overtime I imagine I would have become as disappointed by Keith as I am by Martin. Doesn't the passion always taper off? Doesn't it? ....it does... doesn't it...?

The entire time I was with Troy I wanted so badly to be with Keith. Two fucking nights we had. Two. And I'm hung up.

I wonder if I do sleep with Sam... or Nils... will either of them be able to compete? They're both only human afterall... but are they half as sexually compatiable with me as Keith? Is anyone? Is that it for me? Keith is my sexual soul mate and now I'm done? I keep trying NOT to think of it that way. I keep trying to convince myself I can MAKE the sex I have good. I know what I want and I can ask for it. But not of Troy. Troy just wasn't... right.... But maybe Sam... or Nils....

I'm trying so hard. But maybe I need to go back to sexual hibernation because last night just wasn't worth it.

Oh bother...

I figure I'm not going to bother adding Troy's name to the list of names in my cast of character's post. He's a nice guy and all, but after last night... eh.

I don't really even feel like posting about what happened last night because it was that... blah... to me. I figured it might be. But after our first makeout session I'd rather hoped that the really lame sex in the car was a fluke. But somehow it wasn't.

When we first got to the hotel room I was rather very aggressive and essentially started things. I'm not sure if that was NOT the right thing to do or what because he was responsive but... basically laid back and let me have my way with him. Which isn't to say he wasn't active he just wasn't... as active.

I love a man who uses his mouth. Let there be no question. Having learned this I very much took a page out of Keith's book and have become increasingly oral. My mouth has become a tool of pleasure in a way it hasn't been in years. So I tongued and licked and nipped and really worked him over... and he liked that. Eventually he was inside me and I could tell he was having *really* hard time not cumming whereas I couldn't get myself into a position to get myself off so I was nowhere near. So I asked him to cum without me. And he did. Just after he came he told me, "I'm sorry, I could feel you were getting close and that just... helped me along." I smiled wryly, "I really wasn't close." To which he responded, "No, I could tell. You were getting really into it." Because apparently he knows what my preorgasmic state feels like better than I do.

Once finished, we went out to eat. There was no question of him HELPING me. Because... that clearly wasn't in his head. At ALL. I even mentioned it, actually. Something about how when some guys cum they're just like... DONE touching whomever they're with and I loathe that because once I cum I don't just IGNORE my partner. And that's EXACTLY what he did. Ugh. So, yeah. We went out to eat and had a long conversation about a lot of things.

Afterward, we went back to the hotel room and it seemed clear to me no matter how much I tried to subtly interest him in ME again... that he was done. I was getting pretty pissed off at that point but was trying NOT to be. I was so BORED it wasn't even funny. He was watching TV and I was half-assed watching and mostly just laying there thinking "fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."

Eventually, as I lay with my back to him (because that's the position I sleep in more often than not) he moved over me and began planting soft kisses and licks along my back. I moaned and said "funny, that's what I was planning to do to you... but I never did get you on your stomach." He stopped. "You can get me on my stomach now...." And I silently resisted the urge to strangle him. "No," I replied, "I'm feeling selfish." So he went back to what he was doing. And then... he was inside me.

I escaped long enough to get my lube and proceeded to get myself off for a pretty good orgasm. Which I didn't fake... but I certainly embellished a bit. I actually felt this one cumming and said "Oh, I'm going to cum...." and he said "what?!?" So I repeated myself louder... and then had this rather loud, dramatic orgasm. Afterward he asked me if I came. *sigh*

After I came I began to move with him again and finally told him "you know... whatever you want right now... you can have... because... I'm in SUCH a good mood." He thought for a second and asked me to get on top and ride him until he came. Which I did. Having just came myself I was really sensitive inside and being the one in control made it that much more pleasant so I enjoyed fucking him that way... until he said something about "looks like you're going to ride me until YOU cum" which of course ruined the moment for me completely. I never know how to respond to that when I KNOW I'm nowhere near....

So I did ride him to orgasm and we watched some more TV. Around 11 he turned off the light and got ready to fall asleep. Whereas I've been going to bed no earlier than midnight on a regular basis which left me laying there staring at the ceiling. "Do you snore?" he asked me suddenly. I thought for a second and replied, "probably." "Great," he said, sounding none too pleased. "But I'm nowhere near sleeping, yet. No worries." I don't know if I did snore. I think I mostly snore when I'm sick but who knows? I'm asleep.

So I lay there for about an hour thinking that I ought to just get up and go home because clearly we were done and there was a chance at that point that if I made it home I'd get to see Keith online and that's all I wanted in the whole world at that moment. To NOT be wasting my time with Troy but to be spending time with Keith. Except, of course, I stayed since there was some expectation for morning sex and I wasn't going to hurt his feelings and beg off.

Except I did finally sleep and I didn't sleep too badly... and there was no morning sex. Not a hint. Not a kiss. NOTHING. Oh, it was one of the most awkward mornings after EVER.

So yeah. Chances are that was just another lame notch in my belt....

Saturday, January 21, 2006

It's just so high school.

So I was bored at work. And I got to thinking about my last name. And about Keith's last name. And Sam's. And Nils'. And I got a pen. And some paper. And I tried signing my name with each of their last names. Sam won, because his last name is short and loopy. Just how I like it. However, Keith's last name has a great ring to it with my name. And yes, I did actually sit there and DO that. And then I got really embarrassed and threw the paper away.

The thing I've noticed is that with nicknames... and real names... I've got a bit of a problem. Last night as I was in the car with Troy I couldn't for the LIFE of me remember his NAME. And I KNOW his name. But I literally had to disconnect myself from what was going on at the time just so I could go through and try to remember. Talk about feeling slutty. Keith thought it would be funny if I called HIS name during sex with Troy. But god knows. I'd probably end up calling Keith by the nickname Keith instead of his given name... but he probably wouldn't be terribly offended since he would know it was him.

Also, last night Troy came. I did not. And I've never seen a man act SO guilty. It was the weirdest thing. He asked me like... three times if I was okay. And seemed worried that I was going to cancel tonight with him. And when we stopped at a gas station I sent him inside to get me a drink, telling him "you can buy it for me, too. Cuz you owe me." I was teasing. He seemed to take me seriously, "you're right... it's probably the least I can do."

The thing is Troy has a couple of hang ups that make for.. well... not a lot of sexy. Yeah, I have my hang ups but I'm also working hard to get over them. Because with hang ups and "off limits" the sex becomes more constrained... less wild. That's one of those things I fucking LOVE about Keith is his almost complete lack of shame when it comes to sex. Troy informs me the he doesn't really like to go down all the time. "I have to be in the mood" he says. Well, fucking GET in the mood. I'm not even a huge fan of it but... c'mon. Give me a little, you know? Whatever. So even if he DOES I'm going to be all like... not cool with it.

On the other hand I warned him that I don't really swallow... I don't like cum and I don't like to think about it. And when I did last night (against my better judgment and more as a "quick and easy clean up" sort of thing which leaves me feeling vaguely like a garbage can because then he wouldn't even KISS me) he seemed to feel even MORE guilty about the whole thing and said something like "I know you don't like to do it" but I didn't MIND, at the time. In fact, I don't mind nearly as much as I DID at one time... so maybe it's not as much of a hang up as it once was. Certainly I'm not going to mention it to another lover, because I don't like that whole... "I'm making you do something you don't want to do" which isn't really the case at all. If I don't want to do something... I just won't.

I went to the post office today, too, to send some packages I'd been sitting on for far too long. Four went out today. Two to Keith and one each to my sister and mother in law. I had a DVD to send to Keith but no packaging so I had to pick something up at the post office. Looking back I should have put the envelope with the first DVD in a bigger box with the second DVD and just sent one plain white box... but thinking isn't my strong point.

So there I stood staring at the choices of packaging. Mickey Mouse, flowers, more flowers, hearts, cutesy bears with flowers, or some New Orleans Jazz thing. I picked up Mickey first because it was the first thing I saw but then considered the others. Except... ugh... talk about SO high school... flowers? Hearts? Bears? This is NOT the vibe I want to give to Keith regardless of how I may think in my HEAD. I went back to the wall TWICE to pick a different choice and ultimately ended up with Mickey Mouse.

Then I had to pick a label for it and THAT was another exercise in me being stupid. More hearts, more flowers... NO MICKEY. I ended up with the bears/flowers because it wasn't as corny as the American flag and not quite as embarrassing as the hearts. Or maybe it was worse. Who knows. It's the saddest looking combination for packing EVER and he's not even going to THINK about it. (Except that now I've written about it and he'll probably read this). But yes, this is the kind of stuff that takes up my day. This is how girls are different than boys....

And now... a nap. Keith's already in bed. I'm going to join him. Or imagine I am, anyway.

Doesn't that figure?

Last night I went online hoping Keith would be around. And of course he was. As well as a handful of other men I've been considering. And Troy. EB was online and I almost went to go see him. However, everytime it comes up there's something going on. I LIKE EB but I don't really want to have sex with him anymore. Although I imagine I'll end up giving it up just one more time.... But not last night.

After Keith left (turns out he has a life and things to do, sometimes) I was going to sit around and drink. However, Troy and I were talking about what's going to happen later today and I was telling him that I wanted him NOW... and meanwhile, I get a text message from Martin asking me if I'd like to come over... like.. NOW... and EB's still asking me to come see him....

I've never felt more torn, popular, or slutty. Well, okay I've felt sluttier.

So I told EB "no" and then debated whether I should see Martin or Troy. Both were waiting for an answer. I ended up telling Martin that I was going to be seeing someone else this weekend and wasn't really available but wouldn't he like to get together during the week? He replied "Yeah, fine I have no life." Which I'm actually considering may mean he and his girlfriend broke up. Yes, I am reading a lot into that statement and pushing my own hopes onto him but... he did mention that they "almost broke up" last time I saw him. So...?

So Troy and I met up and we took his car to a remote, very dark parking lot behind a building. There we proceeded to get naked and do the deed. Except it was really, really uncomfortable. And interesting. I wouldn't change it, because... you know... it was... interesting. It was not GOOD... but it was interesting.

I went down on Troy again and eventually my jaw started getting sore. I backed off, then, sitting up and resting my mouth. I said something to him about it and he said "oh... well... I was holding off." God damn men and their "holding off" when a woman's going down on them. What's WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Eventually, we ended up with him inside me, on top... and the angle sucked. Oh, lord it sucked. But he did feel kind of nice... and maybe there's some potential there. I mean, I think there is. I hope there is.

But really. He's not Keith. Keith is like... the be all, end all. Maybe great lovers can't be made. Maybe they have to make themselves. Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. I can't say. Whatever the case I CRAVE, I NEED Keith. Or another Keith. If there IS such a thing. Because much as, yeah, the sex we had wasn't PERFECT... I mean, I can point to a couple of flaws I wrote about... it was really, really fucking awesome. And I really, honestly think I will never get that again. And it makes me want to cry.

Or maybe I'm just idealizing things.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Busy Day

Somehow I ended up spending like the ENTIRE day flirting. It was really fun.

Wade came in and I made some joke about taking his card (because he lost it in the store once). And I mentioned "I ordered something on the internet once," not mentioning it was exercise equipment, and he returned IMMEDIATELY with "what color?!?' And I started laughing and turning a little red because he followed that with, "didn't think I'd figure out what it was, did you?!" I never bothered to correct him. Although I ought to have told him "no, THAT is hot pink." Since it is. But I did not.

I forget how much flirting I did for much of the rest of the day but it involved a lot of me blushing and generally being in a good mood and laughing a lot. I was really happy today. Really happy.

Nils came in, wearing his sunglasses, and was the only one in the store for a while. He wasted time wandering around but finally came up to talk to me. Clearly he's only interested in talking to me if there aren't any other people around. And I'm only really interested in talking to him if my coworkers aren't around.

I asked him if his co-worker said anything to him. He didn't know what I meant so I told him "about your drink... he said he was doing a run and I guessed that it was for you. Kinda freaked him out." He smiled a little at that and said "which guy?" and started to describe someone. I stared blankly at him, "I really don't remember." He looked at me and asked "you didn't look deep into his eyes...?" "umm... no..." I replied.

"I guess I should watch what I'm saying about that, wouldn't want your husband to jump out at me." I laughed at the idea. And he finally said "you ARE married, aren't you?" To which I agreed. And he said something like "well, I wouldn't want him jumping at me for" ...whatever it was he said. I wish to god I remember but I don't remember thinking "he's coming on to me!" it was something more innocently phrased. I just can't REMEMBER. And it's irritating as shit. Anyway, I responded that my husband would most assuredly NOT pop up to say anything and he said "how do you know that?" "I just know," I said. "But how?" He asked. And at this point my brain was swirling so I put my mouth on autopilot and said "you wouldn't want to know." to which he responded "you're probably right." and I thought FUCKING IDIOT WOMAN!!!

Right around this time MP came walking in. MP whom I don't want to fuck. MP whom I am slowly becoming comfortable being around, again. I think I said something vaguely snide to him and Nils asked "Do you have a problem with MP? MP's a great guy!" Or something. Except I know ALL about MP. Anyway, MP and I continue to tease one another good naturedly. MP moved deeper into the store.

So then Nils started talking to me about working out and sugar. I'm not really sure why he was telling me this (except to make MP think he was talking to me about nothing important), but he was telling me about how you should eat sugar after you work out because of blah blah blah. At about that point he took off his sunglasses, so I interrupted him to thank him because that's this THING we have going about his sunglasses. He nods and said something like "I wanted to be able to LOOK at you" or something like that, eye contact and all that. At which point I was, in fact, looking into his beautiful dark eyes (which I swear are dark blue but I might be mistaken) and that's when everything he said became "blah blah blah" and my heart started to pound so that I could FEEL my pulse throughout my whole body.

But he kept talking. And I just wanted to grab his hand and tell him "feel my heart beat... that's what happens every time I see you" Or to just say "I have the BIGGEST crush on you." Except he just... kept talking... and I swear I didn't understand a word he said.

And then MP walked up and it was all over. Nils left and I wanted to shoot myself AND MP for ruining what had such potential.

But I was in a good mood for the rest of the day because I do believe if someone asks if you're married... well... there's always an ulterior motive. And the fact that he tried elicitation* tells me that he was looking for a way not to have to ask me outright but ended up doing so anyway because I didn't play along. I envisioned how the conversation could have continued and am JOYOUS that I'll be working the same days as him for the next week and will likely have a chance to correct my terrible "you wouldn't want to know" mistake. Finally. My opening may just be here....

Meanwhile, Sam never did show up. I did a search in the online white pages and decided to try to stalk him. I suspect his address and phone number are listed and that he's almost as local as I could want. I just wish he lived alone....

*word used courtesy of Keith who's tried to teach me that particular skill and in so doing helped me to recognize it, too.

Not so good.

I woke up and rolled over in bed and felt vaguely like I was going to vomit. This is not the way I like to start a morning. It was an hour before I needed to get up and there I was awake and feeling ill. I went back to sleep for about twenty minutes and woke up again, this time with a mild headache. And that vaguely nauseous feeling. Great. So I gave in and got up. I still don't feel so hot. I'd better NOT be sick or I'll kill me. This would really fuck up my Saturday date.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go to work today. And I'm going to pretend NOT to care if Sam is there or not. And I'm going to do approximately the same thing I did yesterday, looking up hopefully every time anyone comes in... and being disappointed when it's not him. The story of my life.

I forgot to mention a weird thing that happened last night. The guy that I sort of accidentally asked out the other day when asking him about the bars he goes to came in. I treated him like I do any other customer and didn't really get into a conversation with him this time. I gave him his merchandise and he left.

Cut to almost an hour later as I sat counting the store's deposit. It was $20 over. I recounted the drawer, the deposit, and the safe. Twice. And was still $20 over. Finally, I sighed heavily and put the $20 in the safe with a note that it probably belonged to a customer or I'd miscounted and it belonged to the next day's deposit.

Cut to another hour later as I've set the alarm, locked the store and am heading to my car. I see this man in his camouflage uniform walking down the path that (among other things) leads to the store. Carrying the store's money I get nervous when I see people out there and tend to eye them rather carefully, all the while trying not to seem to much like I'm watching them or looking nervous. And then he started walking toward me, veering off the path. And then he called my name. Turns out it was the guy... and it was his money I'd stolen. I was really super embarrassed and brought him into the store to give him his money back. As we both left, I thought to myself that if he'd actually asked me out... I might go. Even if he does look suspiciously like my husband. And then I started mentally exploring the idea of what delights I could have enjoyed in that darkened store... just him and me....

I wonder what he'd think if he knew I'd been idly fantasizing about him.

Tonight I get the final plans for what's going to happen on Saturday with Troy. I'm increasingly nervous....

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Things before bed.

If Troy knew I wrote about him he would be PISSED. He'd also probably forbid me to write about him for any reason. He's that afraid of discovery. I think that's kind of funny. Except if he ever discovered this blog. That would NOT be funny.

I really need to go to bed. I'm very tired but I'd much rather stay up.

The other night when Troy and I were together he pulled my bra down and my shirt up and played with my nipples. He eventually put his mouth on them, and did this THING. I hate trying to describe these things that I can't SEE and therefore can't really TELL what exactly these things going on ARE. Regardless, he did this THING to my nipples that was insanely pleasurable and at the same time painful. It hurt. Not like "oh god please stop" hurt but more like... a pain I appreciated. I didn't want him to stop.

Later, after we'd parted I mentioned what he'd done... and the fact that it had hurt in such a pleasurable way. Tonight, as we were talking on the phone he paused for a moment and asked "what I did the other day.. did that really hurt?" I thought about it for a moment, at first trying to remember what he was even talking about. Finally, I remembered. "Yes," I told him, "but you know... I'm kind of into that. I like it kind of rough... I liked that quite a bit." He was quiet a moment longer and said "well, you know, I don't usually like... hurt people. I'm not a rough guy and if it hurts PLEASE let me know and I'll stop." I laughed at him, "do I seem so demure to you that if I didn't like something I'd just sit back and let you hurt me?" He didn't really respond. Maybe because I'd told him about that time with Frank (detailed in Part Trois to the right)

After a bit Troy told me "you know I don't usually do it rough. More like... medium, I guess. You know what I mean?" "Yeah, I guess. I guess we'll see," I told him. He then added, "I just... I guess I kind of vary. It's how I do it." And I laughed, "You'll do it how I WANT you to do it," I told him. And I thought about that for a long moment. And repeated myself again, "you'll do it how I WANT you to do it. Yes. You will." Because what guy is going to slow down and move more gently when a woman begs him to fuck her fast and hard? No, he'll do exactly what I want. Because I'll tell him to.

I like that. I like that a lot.

Unfortunately, while he's getting a place for us to play this weekend after that it'll be my turn to come up with something. He wants me to get husband out of the house. But that is SO much easier said than done....

Fuck today anyway.

I was getting excited to see Nils. As the store began to clear out and he hadn't yet arrived I kept looking excitedly toward the door. But he never came in. Another man who works with him came in and told me he was buying some stuff for other people. I looked at one of the items and asked "is this for Nils?" The guy looked at me vaguely surprised, "yeah... how'd you know?" I laughed, "because it's like... what he ALWAYS gets." "well, he couldn't wait to come in so I told him I'd pick it up. I'm sure he'll be in later." I shook my head, "naw, that's all he gets. He won't be in." And he wasn't.

Sam didn't show up either. His regular time came and went with no sign. He SAID he'd be there. But apparently he lied. Although I suspect he had his own reasons I was still painfully disappointed. Every single customer that walked through the door who was NOT him merely served to piss me off. EVERY customer. And I had to hide it. Because I wasn't pissed at them. I wasn't even pissed at Sam. Just SO disappointed. ALL NIGHT.

So maybe he'll show up tomorrow. And I can kick his ass. Or tell him that I want to bite it. Or lick it. Or whatever he wants me to do to it because god damn he's hot. I'm still not sure what to say to him.

On the other hand, it was brought to my attention that Sam is in the military and I am a military wife... and Sam is in a position where if he messed around with me and got caught it could be a big deal. And I thought "fuck" because that's totally TRUE. On the other hand, I started thinking about Keith who's in a similar position of having a lot to lose had he been caught with me... and of the Ex who was in about the same position Sam is in now... and of a number of other guys... not to mention the Bisexual guy whom I could totally sleep with... and the guy that HE almost slept with... and well... what I'm saying is that it'd probably take a pretty stupid person to get caught so why sweat it? Husband doesn't give a shit so why should anyone else?

Meanwhile, Troy started talking about the fact that he, too, has a lot to lose. And brought up a rather famous case of adultery in the services. There's a great story he told me about it that I CAN'T TELL which really sucks because it's funny and one of those things I'd be laughing at years from now if only I could remember it. Needless to say Troy got mightily freaked out by something that happened and after missing BOTH my other men he informed me that we couldn't see each other as planned. If at all.

And I considered murder. Or crying. Or just giving up on men altogether. He's since changed his mind and merely decided we need to exercise a certain amount of discretion but otherwise we'll be fine. The plan is to get together Saturday. After that, though... who knows?

I haven't heard from Martin in a while. I text messaged him a few days ago and asked how his visit with his family went. He replied something vaguely cryptic and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure what to think about that. Obviously the phone works both ways and I'm still not thrilled with his luke warm attitude after the last time he and I had sex. Not happy at ALL. So I'm thinking I'll wait for him to invite me over because I'm not desperate anymore and I'm not going to go begging for something I'm not even sure I really WANT right now anyway.

Another day of work.

I've never been so excited or scared to go to work in my life. I'm going to be a great big ball of nervous energy tonight when Sam comes in. I'm going to be hard pressed not to freak the fuck out. That's what's going to happen. Not that I'm going to freak the fuck out. Merely that I'm going to have to try NOT to.

The fact that I'm surprisingly confident that Sam wants me, too, does not make my crush on him any easier to deal with. It WOULD...except I'm not convinced he knows I'm married and THAT part is the problem. I don't want to tell him. Except how could I NOT. So I was thinking of just asking him "if I weren't married would you go out with me?" Which would kind of cover it. And if he answered "yes" then maybe I'd follow it up with "I am married... will you go out with me anyway?!?" Ha ha. Except I'm not so sure about that last part. Because it's kind of creepy. I wouldn't respond to it. Dammit.

So I don't really know what to say but I'm desperately afraid that if I don't say ENOUGH... like... that my marriage is open and please god wouldn't he like to play... that he'll just... stop talking to me. On the other hand, if I do tell him enough and he stops talking to me... well... that's no solution, either....

I don't want to lose what we have. Which isn't much. Except my adoration....

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


The problem with the new guy that I'm starting to see (among other things) is that at no time has his name really LINKED to anything for me. Each of the other guys I've written about (save Nils) has had some kind of link between their given name and the name I've given them. In most of the cases it's a link that only *I* would make. No one would EVER think of the name "Sam" when looking at Sam nor would anyone even intimately knowledgable about Keith EVER suspect Keith would be his nickname from me. I'm not stupid afterall. But the names make sense to me. For Nils, well, I had no freakin' clue what his name was so I just made something up that seemed exotic.

For the new guy, though... one name comes to mind but it's SO obvious that ANYONE would guess it. So he's going to be Troy. Because, I say so.

So, Troy apparently went to the store looking for me today. Except of course, I wasn't THERE. Because I told him I WOULD be... but got a call early in the morning telling me I was needed at a different time and place than I'd told him. I felt horrible about it. He was not pleased, although not angry. I'd really been looking forward to seeing him again, too.

We ended up talking online for a while and I'm just not sure he and I are going to manage to hook up quite the way we were hoping. Given the amount of difficulty in finding a reasonable place for us to get together I suggested perhaps he'd like to call the whole thing off. Or at least that particular part of it. He seemed shocked. "...could you?" he wanted to know. I thought about it and while it would be difficult, I'm positive I'd be fine. Leaving Troy behind wouldn't be half the challenge that I'm dealing with involving Keith. So could I? Oh, yes. Do I want to? I think not. But I'm also not going to suffer and whine for him.

On the other hand, I did have a good time and I don't mind so much the frustration I felt last night. It was fun. And I adore foreplay far more than most "actual" sex. Terribly selfish but utterly true. So I suggested that even if we couldn't get together to get the deed done this weekend, perhaps we could get together and just... do something. Especially if it ended up with him and I doing anything remotely so pleasurable as what we did last time.

He agreed and suggested a movie. But we've kind of nixed the idea and decided we might do something where we can actually sit around and talk. Specifically he said, "I'd rather sit around talking to you than watch a movie and not communicate at all."

Troy is a married man who's in a limited open marriage. They're only allowed to play while on extended business trips. I met Troy via one of the online dating sites. His profile was... not really what I had in mind for a guy I'd be willing to see. However, it was interesting enough that I had to assuage my curiosity and find out more about him. Essentially his profile is a story of a typical male, looking for no strings sex... one night stands... whatever. Not my type at all. But he also points out in the profile, that his profile isn't meant to be taken seriously.

The fact that he wants to spend that kind of time talking with me makes me kind of wonder what exactly he IS about. I'll happily conform to whatever he needs me to be, so long as it suits me. However, at this point I'm reasonably confused as to what exactly he's looking for. I think of myself as being the "girlfriend experience" type... but I wouldn't want to take it so far as to make him think I want to BE his girlfriend or that I'm taking this all terribly seriously. Because I flat out refuse. Dealing with my emotions about Keith is ENOUGH right now, thank you very much.

It's going to be an interesting couple of months while Troy is here, at least. Maybe we'll get frustrated and give up. But for now... it's got potential. And once I figure out where I belong in this scheme of things... it might just be a hell of a lot of fun.