Sunday, April 30, 2006

I think.

My husband and I still have fun. I kissed him tenderly today and he responded. I didn't get the feeling that he was holding back his irritation, like I normally do. It was kind of nice... and it didn't go any further.

Keith has been messaging me off and on for the last few days. It's very odd to hear from him so much. The more he messages me the more I realize how really far apart we are, alas. I miss him and want him in my life... but at the same time I see that there are some things that, even now, irritate me about him. Not really a good beginning for any sort of relationship, I tend to believe.

He asked me several times to marry him. And I pointedly ignored it. He was drunk at the time. Sober (I think) he later sent me a message saying "you'll never marry me" or something of that ilk. Unfortunately for him when people try to tell me what I will or won't do... I tend to agree with them regardless of my feelings on the matter before hand. Whatever disappoints them most. I've considered the idea of remarrying (should I leave my husband) and more specifically the idea of being married to Keith... but in a way (at least for the time being) his proclamation became law. It's a sensitive thing to me, as anyone can imagine... and I'm easily irritated about the entire situation. So whatever. Call it done and over with.

Which isn't to say I don't still long for his touch. We had amazing chemistry. But I swear to god I'm not dealing with a bunch of damned drama in my life just for amazing sex.

I think.

On an unrelated and far more amusing note, last week I showed my husband several papercuts I'd managed to pick up over a couple of days. Husband shook his head at me and told me "I haven't had a paper cut in... I can't even remember how long." I laughed at him after he said it, "you know, sometime in the next two weeks you're going to get one. Just because you said that." He rolled his eyes and said "they're not contagious." I smiled knowingly and told him "Two weeks." I thought about it a bit more and started threatening him by waving the edges of paper at him. "It doesn't count if you GIVE me one." I laughed and continued to chase him around the house for a bit. And then I forgot about it.

Cut to us walking through the grocery store. He wanted to check the magazines for something specific. So I followed him down that aisle and slowly walked along, finally turning and heading to the next aisle. A few moments later he caught up and I told him "you don't have to rush, I can look around." "I didn't find it," he said. And we continued on. We bought some meat, walked up and down a few more aisles fulfilling our grocery list when he said quietly, "I think... I need to... tell you something." I stopped and looked at him, surprised at his very serious tone. "When I was in the magazine aisle I... got a paper cut. I thought you'd want to know." I stared at him for a long second as the wheels in my head turned and I began laughing. "I TOLD you! I TOLD YOU! And didn't even have to DO it!"

I should have bet him something.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

So much happened.

So Keith was online yesterday. This morning, too. Now. I'm cheating on him by typing this. However, I just HAAAAD to write. Yesterday he told me I should get laid. Lower my standards a bit....

So there I am at work and who should walk in but the guy I accidentally came on to a while back. Who has since come on to me. I was surprised to see him because it's been something like a month or more since the last time. I said as much and he replied that he'd been hiding. He wanted to see if I'd miss him. I laughed it off.

And then I found myself flirting with him, unintentionally. Again. I mean, I was thinking "choose your words carefully, my girl... else you'll get in trouble." And I STILL managed to come across like I wanted a piece of him. I made some mention of how I almost sold someone beer (who shouldn't have it, unrelated to age) if only he'd share with me. Leave me a couple to pass the time at work. This guy suggested *I* should buy a pack and share with HIM... later. I stared at him, trying to figure out how I'd stumbled into THAT one. Later he added that I clearly needed a warm body to sleep next to. I was quiet for a second and finally said... "uh... I am married. I mentioned that, didn't I?" He told me I hadn't, which I apologized for, and then he followed it up with "... and how's that working out for you?" I hesitated and said "....okay...." not sounding terribly confident. Way to decisively put an end to that, right? Whatever. I could have nailed him.

And then at the end of my work shift I went to the other store to talk to one of my coworkers that I actually LIKE. He eventually told me that The Man I Loathe apparently offered another coworker $100 if she'd sleep with him. The thing is, this coworker is underage. And I don't like her, either. So there you go.

Anyway, it was an interesting turn of events and it makes me wish I had persued my sexual harrassment complaint. However, it's a bit late for that now and I promised my coworker I wouldn't tell, because it's not my story to tell and would come off too much as me making up stories since it'd be third-hand information. Still, I feel vindicated at least in the eyes of the one guy.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Just thinking.

Martin has made himself completely scarce. I never hear from him anymore. We went from seeing him at least once a month, sometimes twice... to... not in months. Seeing as I was "the other woman" I kind of feel a sense like I need to let him make the first move to come back into our lives. However, more recently husband asked him if we were going to get together for a PPV at his house (something we've done fairly regularly for the last year or so because he's got a kick-ass TV) and he declined. In fact, he's declined to "invite us" at least twice. Which is okay. Except you know... his excuse is that his girlfriend is home. Which is to say he apparently devotes himself to her every second that she is home... which is kind of... not what I expected of him. So whatever. I'm sorry to have lost him so completely to that woman.

However, it's things like that which make me really THINK. I was really thrilled when I got to finally be with Martin. Not because he was sooooooooo amazing (he was pretty good, though) but rather because it was something I wanted for YEARS. To finally get to experience that was... well.. it was really exciting and special.

And then I was thinking how nice it would be to be able to experience that feeling for the rest of my life. I'm not really sure that's possible. But it's a lovely fantasy. I think of Keith and I wonder... and Sam, too. Nils, maybe. Three wonderfully sexy men any of which I would be damned lucky to even get to spend one night with (or in Keith's case... yet another)... each is a fantasy which is begging to be fulfilled. The gratification from that... amazing....

Anyway. I was just thinking. Now I have to go to work.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ever Hopeful

Sam came in early in the day. Surprisingly early. He didn't buy anything. I barely got to talk to him because it was kind of busy. I called to my coworker half heartedly to ask her a question and he looked up as if I was calling him. Because her name is sort of like a female version of one of two male names which he could have. I ought to just ask him. But whatever. So much funner to NOT know. Just to call him by his rank and last name. There's something sexy about that....

He ended up going off to work out and then coming back in later. Unfortunately, he was then talking to someone else which was really disappointing. I way prefer to have him to myself. However, while they did arrive together... he left before his friend. Which was also really disappointing. Because I want that man. All to myself. Naked.

On a completely unrelated (and not nearly as pleasing note) this guy who came on to me once before came on to me again today. He asked for my number and I told him "no." "Are you married," he asked me. I had to look away and think about it for a half second before saying "yes." I felt a little bad about it, actually. The not being able to remember right away that yes, I am married. But actually my thought was more "that has nothing to do with it... I'm just not attracted to you!" But it was as good an excuse as any....


It just occured to me that I've seen Sam for the last two days. Which has been unexpected. In fact, I think I've seen him the last four days I've worked. I'm used to seeing him maybe once a week, these days. So it's kind of odd.

And then I get hopeful. I happened to have been on the phone with my husband asking him to write down my schedule on the calendar for me at home while I read it to him. Sam came in as I was waiting for husband to grab a pen and get to the calendar at which point I read off my schedule. So the ever-hopeful part of me is trying hard to believe that maybe Sam is actually coming in because he knows I'll be there.

The rest of me thinks it's just luck....

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


I wake up in the morning and drink something to help me be awake. I take a pill to keep me from being miserable with allergies for a while. During the day when I feel my energy hitting that unpleasant low that it always does... the one where my brain becomes fuzzy and I stop being able to count... I drink something else to bring me back to "normal". At the end of the night I take a pill to help me fall asleep. Day in and day out. My weekends I spend as much time blissfully asleep as I can. I'm stuck in this weird chemical rollercoaster and I'm not so sure it's good for me. Even though I LOVE my Monster KHAOS.

I can feel my hormones doing their thing. Before long I'm sure to bleed. But until then I get to enjoy the ups and downs of the emotions. Sam came in while I was talking to "the bitch" (this guy I like whom I think of affectionately as being "bitchy"). It was just before the store closed that Sam came in and I wanted nothing more than for The Bitch to leave. But he freakin' wouldn't. Ah, to be alone with Sam in the store... late in the evening. I'd have worked late for that, oh yes.

I worked out, thinking about Sam and gazing jealously as the cute redhead on the elliptical in front of me. "Bet she could nail him." Except actually, I think I'm cuter. She, however, had the sexier body. I figure she wins. I wonder what Sam's girlfriend looks like....

I managed to corner Hawk and get him to chat with me for a while. I love listening to Hawk talk because he's damned funny and he can go on for hours... and somehow manages to keep me interested. Plus, he was wearing a tank top and my eyes kept gliding left and right to check out his well muscled arms and chest. Dude's beautiful.... He said that he'd run earlier in the day, before I got there. "You know, you DO that and then what the hell am *I* supposed to do," I asked him crossly. He laughed, having no answer.

But it's certainly bedtime, before the drugs wear off and leave me wide awake and unable to sleep....


I've been reading a series of books. I accidentally started on the 4th book in the series which was labeled as "book 1" but which is actually book 1 of the second series. So I went back and bought the three books in the first series and started reading the REAL first book while finishing the 4th. The series follows one character through childhood, youth, and into middle age. Having accidentally skipped ahead I'm relatively impressed with the fact that the author manages to write the character as getting older so effectively. Something I might have missed had I not started reading them out of order.

Anyway, the point is that the author got me to thinking about my own mortality. About what getting old is... and me wondering how much longer until I really start feeling it? I'm young yet. I'm still reasonably healthy (and working on making myself more so)....

Well, anyway. It's an unfinished thought. Just a trickle of this and that all winding together to make me wonder... yet again... what am I doing with my life? Work, marriage, sex, play... nothing's quite how I want it....

Just thoughts. Half formed thoughts.

Monday, April 24, 2006

I guess...

it has been a while. A sleepy weekend involving a video game, a book, and a bed. I had tenative plans with EB. However, my schedule was kind of weird so I didn't know if we could see each other until the last minute and then... he wasn't around to tell. I suppose I could have called him but I just wasn't that passionate about the idea, though I find myself vaguely disappointed. Some lovin' is better than none lovin'.

Meanwhile both Mason and Sam came in today. I had a short talk with Mason since my super religious coworker was there. He asked us to help him pick sunglasses. I SHOULD have said something like "oh, no, sorry. Can't do that. I won't help you pick something that'll hide your pretty eyes." But instead said something about how I didn't really want to thanks to many work-related experiences from my previous job which required me to do so ad naseum. So every pair of glasses he tried I kind of "eh"ed. Nothing was quite right. He said something about how he'd left his glasses at home and needed a pair to get him through the week.

This is when I think I finally figured out his living situation. Near as I can tell he lives in the next state North of us. From there he commutes home for the weekends and spends the rest of the week in the "dorms" on base. I mentioned my supposition to my coworker and she said that I was correct that is what he does. Because she apparently knew all along....

So it all makes sense, too, that when he goes home on the weekends it would be stressful because a weeks worth of "quality time" and "family" stuff would have to be done in those two days... and then back to work. It's not the life I'd choose, I think. Well, maybe not. Hmm.

I think it's that sort of situation that's PERFECT for having affairs. Especially for the person left in the house. But anyway....

Thursday, April 20, 2006

More of the two men I'm not banging.

I could name so many men I'm not banging. In fact... I'd have to name every man in the world. That's a long list. Are you on it?

Anyway. So Sam came in extra early. I wasn't expecting him and actually ran across him as I was turning a corner. We didn't run into one another but he scared the crap out of me. Which I told him he did. "I did not... did I?" he asked. But, sometimes I'm easily frightened. So yeah, he did. So I talked to him for all of about two seconds before he took off for PT. I suppose I won't see him tomorrow since I've seen him a lot this week. Mores the pity.

Mason came in, too. Once he came in and bought... something. "I'll see you later," he said. I said something like "okay, have a nice day" and he said, "I'll be back." Righto. And he was. Only the second time I didn't ring him up. The third time, though, I was surprised to see him. He was dressed in his civies... something I've seen him wandering around in more and more often. He was buying a handful of toiletries so I asked him "...are you going on a trip?" He said he was not but that he'd run out of these things. I looked at the variety he had brought up. Soap. Toothpaste. That sort of thing. " ran out? Of all these things? All at once?" I gave him a look but he said nothing so I said "I bet you just haven't bathed in three days." He smiled at me vaguely and I laughed, "sorry, I really think I'm hysterical." He smiled a little more strongly, then, and stared at me. I met his gaze and he said "you are funny. That's why I keep coming back." I laughed at that, "and here I thought it was because it's a store... and has stuff." He continued to look at me. His eyes caught mine and I gazed at him, meeting his eyes for a long second. Every single time he looks at me like that I always expect him to say something. Anything. Finally I said, "you know... go home." He waved his hand in the general direction of the dorms and said "that's home" or something like that.

And now I'm confused. Because I swore he said something once about the wife and kids. is he getting divorced or what? I'm confused. IS he available?!? I went back through the blog looking to see if I wrote down whatever it was that gave me the idea that he was married but now I can't find anything. I'm really confused.

And now the benedryl is hitting so it's bed time....

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Hi Daaaarlin'.

There is no accent less sexy than the shrill (yes, shrill, I say) hick-ass southern accent.

On the other hand, Sam's delightful Southern drawl sends me. I love a good accent. I love to listen to him speak. I love his voice. I do adore everything physical and sensory about the man. His mind? Well, that, too. But seriously.

I was just thinking about the timber of his voice. And that accent. And thinking next time I see him I'm really going to have to come up with something he can talk about for a while just so I can get lost in his voice. And try not to look like I'm getting close to cumming while he talks.....

Two men I'm NOT sleeping with.

For lunch I decided to wander out into the lobby area of the store. It's an area where you can sit down and relax or eat or whatever. So I sat down in one of the increasingly rickety chairs and gazed out into the outside world as I ate.

And I watched Sam walk up... and go into the gym without so much as a glance my direction. Not that he could probably see me through the tinted windows anyway. He never did come into the store, though he could have. He says sometimes he doesn't stop because he can't afford it. Fuck the money. I just want to see him, dammit. But maybe that's just a little too much to ask. So much for the idea of him coming just to see me....

Meanwhile, I went to the gym and wore my ass out. I was really spent by the end of my workout. Hawk was there and I went in to talk to him for a few minutes while he was using the weight machines. He came into the cardio room as I was getting my machine ready and we ended up talking... as he chose the bike behind me. Great. No pressure there or anything, dammit. Eventually he took the treadmill in front of me. I watched him a little, but of course my eyes wandered around the room. I happened to look back just as he finished playing with his shirt. I almost choked as I held back a laugh when I realised he was bunching his shirt up around his waist. So I could see his ass better. I ended up coughing instead. He's a very confident man. And I really did appreciate the view....

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Could it be...

Sam came into the store yesterday. So beautiful. He didn't stay too long... but a few minutes.

Today he came in and bought his usual couple of items. As soon as I saw him coming I darted as far from the entrance to the store as I possibly could. Because there he was in his workout clothes (a little more naked than I'm used to seeing him, you know) and I knew I was going to have to get myself together before I could face him. Anyone watching me would have thought I was insane... luckily no one watched.

So I got myself together and greeted him as I always do. I was working kind of hard because I was behind a little on things I needed to get done so I didn't hang around to see if he wanted to talk. However, another customer came up (another regular) and as I chatted with him Sam stood around waiting for me to finish my conversation. After that guy left he and I talked about some movies and the like. I ended up asking him if he's religious and he said "Not really" which ended up being more of a "kinda" which I took as a "yes." Blech. Anyway, we were talking about Narnia so I had to ask.

As we were talking he mentioned that he'd just finished working out. At the gym across base. It didn't occur to me at the time but now I can't help but wonder about the fact that he came to MY store today. Because you see there's the other store (that I dislike) which is located on the way from that gym to one of the main exits from post, the one I assume he lives past. Not to mention that the store I am in is past a special gate which isn't on the way to anything, really. So... I kind of take this to mean... he... might... maybe... have come to see me. Me. Not to buy something, really. But to see ME. And I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to read as much into it as I crave. I'm trying.

It's not working very well. Yes, he did already refuse me but... god damn it. I'm ever hopeful because he's just so fucking cute!

Oh, he was wearing a sleevless type shirt today and I realized that his body might not be as thin as I thought it was. And I found him sexier because of it. Because I adore the fact that he's not perfection... which in a way IS perfection....

Want. SO BAD....

Monday, April 17, 2006

Way back when...

So it's about time for the 10 year anniversary of my high school graduation. Weirdness. I can't believe I've been out of high school for so long. Fuck.

I discovered it while idly browsing and googling various people that I liked. The funny thing is that a few different times I've looked up a particular boy (who shares a name with a famous singer... sort of... and I DON'T mean Michael Bolton) and come across a bunch of pages devoted to some guy who's working on a video game. Last time I got irritated because of course that's NOT him, NOR is he the singer, dammit.

Well, it turns out he IS the video game guy. I finally came across one tiny photo and... dude... it's HIM.

I get so excited about these little things. Maybe I'm dreaming that I ever had a chance with him but he's totally the sort of guy I wanted to date. And I think it's really cool that he's doing this kind of cool work. Not that I'll probably ever have anything to do with the video game because it's not my style, exactly. Still, it's very cool to know he's doing it and doing something he apparently enjoys....

Anyway. It's kind of cool. I'm not so sure I'll be attending our high school reunion. I probably won't be anywhere near it and I'm not convinced I'm really all that interested anyway. I didn't go to any of the school dances the entire time I was in high school... why start being a joiner now?


I was going to say "wide awake" but that's just not true....

Husband is still in bed. I've been awake for almost an hour. Allergies... and stress... suck. So I woke up and I lay there thinking "gee, this is a lot like how I feel when I try to sleep in a new bed." Utterly tired but unable to sleep. Fun. Not.

So I got up in the vain hope that maybe Keith would be online. It's early evening where he is. But no... of course he's not there. I miss him though.

I get to take the car in today. I heard from EB that he was alone all day yesterday and I could have gone to see him. Of course he tells me this at the END of the day, when of course, there's no chance of me going to see him. But it didn't much matter anyway because the car is just barely limping along and there was no way I was taking THAT on the freeway. Still, while it's gratifying to have him finally express interest in me again it's really annoying that he does it when it's so inconvenient....

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Early Morning.

I can't remember exactly why, but while attempting to keep things light... and somehow just in the moment I asked husband if he realizes how long it's been since we had sex. At least 9 months, I'd say. Maybe a year. He told me he'd been considering that earlier. "That's too long," he admitted. But no effort on his part has been made to change the situation. I can't say as I'm anymore inclined now than I have been in the last few months....

I still think about Keith all the time. Which should be pretty evident from the previous post. I think about him a lot more than I have any business thinking about him. Not because he'd save my from my life or be the perfect partner for me... but the sex was incredible. INCREDIBLE. And I feel like I could use another dose. Or five of that.

I'm seriously tempted to find someone to fuck just in the hopes that it could even closely match that. I haven't heard from DJ lately and for some reason EB's being quite reticent again, too. So no sex from those quarters.

I heard from one of my fellow bloggers who's always expressed vague interest. But somehow much as I generally like him I've never been motivated in that direction when it comes to him. It's one of those things I could do just for the sake of it... but that doesn't sound very fun to me right now. Not much does.

Besides being utterly sad about the lack of Keith in my life, I find I'm just very disappointed about all of my beloved cops disappearing so completely not to mention my lack of anything from Sam or Mason or the million other guys I crave to fuck.... The disappointment turns very inward. I lose faith and confidence.

I won't even mention how disappointed I've been with the lack of results working my ass off in the gym for the last month or so. I'll stick with it, no worries. There are more minute pleasures to be had in going than looking for a change in my figure....

Also, UFC rocks. But it's way expensive.

Short fantasy....

I found myself laying in bed, pulsing my kegels, squeezing my legs together. My entire attention settled on the aching between my legs. His name was on my lips. Over and over. I kept feeling his tongue, ghostly and not real enough to bring me satisfaction. I considered getting up and finding one of my new toys but knew if I got up my husband would hear and come to check on me, ruining my fantasies....

So I lay back and allowed my hand between my legs before closing them tight, again, holding it there... as if I'd take it away. Nothing more than a hard spot to press and rock against while I imagined his cock there, again. Pushing inside me so hard and insistent....

Thursday, April 13, 2006


The only thing of real interest... Mason came in. He looked at me like he always does. Very directly. Like he really wants to say something. Or wants me to. Except, of course, I won't. We've covered that. So I rang him up and he tried to be friendly and I remained somewhat standoffish. "I think you're trying to hurry up and get me out of here," he said. I stopped and looked directly at him, trying to come up with a good lie. However, the fact is... I was. I don't know what to think or do with him so yeah... I wanted him out. Not exactly something I can say to him, though. I mean, he's a customer for christ's sake. As he was leaving I said "see you tomorrow... or... the next day... or... the day after that... or something." He made like he wouldn't be in tomorrow. That's a good thing. Fuck him.

I haven't seen Sam, either. Which I find vaguely depressing.

In fact, I spent the better part of the day mentally reviewing the faces of customers I haven't seen in a while. Cade, for instance. I find I miss him. He's got a sweet face and a gentle nature I miss. I asked his coworkers where the hell he is and was told "oh, he's still there." He just hasn't been coming by. Several of the guys from the gym (workers) have disappeared of late. Most of the current staff are strangers to me and the one I was building a frienship with has moved on, too.

It's all terribly depressing. And here I am dwelling on it. *sigh*

That's what I spend a lot of my days doing. Being stressed out and dwelling on shit. But hey... at least I'm cleaning the house regularly because of the stress. And I went to the gym tonight and worked my ass off (not as off as I'd like...) which is a step in the right direction. I also ate pretty well today, too. So whatever. It's not the worse day in history or anything.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's around midnight, again....

Mason came in today. When I saw him I smiled and said "hi" just like I do to everyone who comes into the store. "Hey, Odalisquek" he said in reply. I've never said his name, yet. He says mine every time. When he finally came through the line he said "I haven't gotten to talk to you in a while." I said something about how I hadn't been around to talk to, but mostly I just wanted to smack him for being a damned fool. The conversation was quite short and I treated him very distantly. That's what he gets for being a damned fool, I say. Which isn't to say I don't like him. I just don't like him acting like I was trying to get into his pants. If he wanted in mine, fine... but I wasn't persuing him, dammit.

One of my other customers that I like came in, too. "You don't like me, do you?" he asked. I laughed at that, because if he wanted he could get into my pants, too. Once, anyway. It'd probably be a bad, bad idea... but it'd have the potential to be a lot of fun that one time.

Basically, today was a lot of... me staring at guys craving them but knowing I have not a chance in the world with any of them. Lovely.

Actually, the staring part was a lot of fun.

I'm kind of depressed lately. Partially because of my lack of a sex life. Much of it is the fact that I'm increasingly picky. Which is to say "what? You're not Keith? Why bother?" And yes, it really IS that bad. Not that he'd approve of me being THAT selective. But whatever.

In fact the other day husband tried to kiss me, deeply. And I did everything I could to escape the situation without openly saying "no." I'm somewhat mystified that he even bothered to try. However, as I've said before... my sexual interest in him is pretty much dead. He might be able to get me back in the mood... but I doubt he'll put forth the effort and I'm completely disinterested in encouraging him.

I find myself thinking of Martin a bit more than I should, too. I'm not exactly sure why. I found him very frustrating at times, but he and I shared something and it's kind of weird to know that's just... over. On the drop of a hat. I was willing to let it go (and am happy that he's got his girlfriend with him) but it's just... weird to have him so completely cut out of my life when he was such an intimate part of it. I miss him and knowing he's got his girlfriend with him so he and I can't really be close doesn't really make me miss him less. Fortunately, it does make it easier... knowing he's happy. Not a LOT easier... but some.

Undoubtedly if Keith were in a similar situation I'd be a bitter, angry woman. Which is probably not a good thing since he's bound to find someone sooner or later and it surely won't be me. On the other hand, maybe it'd be a good thing. Whorish though he may be enjoying being, knowing he was hooked up and happy would certainly be good for him as well as helping "solve" all the confusing feelings I have for him, now.

But... well... whatever. Once again it's the midnight hour and I know better than to stay up "thinking" at this hour.....

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

On a lighter note... isn't it awesome how sometimes an orgasm is all that it takes to make everything okay again?


I find myself feeling... lost. Confused. Overwhelmed. Things are happening so fast. Too fast for my poor little brain to handle, at times. I've had it thrown back into my face that I am not who I think of myself as. I'm not the person I see myself as. And it tears me up.

And I'm trying so fucking hard not to think about him. The fantasy. The reality. Whatever. I'm fighting myself to let go. To not think about him. But I do. All the time. And the more time I let things just... slide... the more it hurts because it feels a little like cutting off a limb. Or maybe a finger. Either way, it's not a comfortable sensation. And I know all I have to do to make it stop is put down the god damned knife....

I feel like I've somehow fucked everything up for myself and I can't quite figure out how to make it right. Pull myself together. Get shit done. Easy enough in theory. But I'd rather just sit here and stare blankly at nothing lost in my own feelings of... just whatever.

But I'm tired. So tired. I slept most of the day away. Tomorrow won't be much better. And as I stare at the clock, knowing the ungodly hour I'm looking at... I think about him... wondering what he's doing at this very moment. And telling myself the answer doesn't really matter at all.

I took a sleeping pill. My brain will cease for the night and I'll be able to sleep, soon. And maybe tomorrow I'll crawl out of bed ready for another day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to force myself to go to the gym, again. Maybe I'll stop wanting to cry, swallowing my tears down past the lump in my throat.

I ought to know better than to stay up this late. I get this way. Tomorrow... it has to be better.

I sat and worked on a scrapbook of husband's father. I held one of the cards he gave his wife for their anniversary. Our anniversary is coming up later this month. I wonder that husband could never give me a card that says what his father chose. I'm just not who I think I am. Not who I should be. It makes me sad not only to have lost this wonderful man but to know that despite all the flaws in my husband... I'm really maybe just not good enoug for him.

I should know better than to stay up this late. I should.

Monday, April 10, 2006

In Praise...

I really, really enjoy watching Penn & Teller's show Bullshit. One of the episodes TIVO caught for me was devoted to circumcision. Watching the show I, of course, thought of the ex and of the fact that he was not circumcised. He was the first guy I've been with who was intact. (Oddly, as I type this I think... wasn't there someone else later? I can't remember!)

I really, really enjoyed sex with the ex. Honestly, he wasn't amazing. But, for my expectations at that time in my life he was pretty kick-ass. We had a hell of a lot of sex in a very short period of time... and yet the sex could last hours. Something not too many of the men I've been with can brag.

But among the many memories I have of my time with him was the feel of his cock inside me. So as I watched the show I was thinking about the ex. Some of the women interviewed on the show made faces when asked about their feelings on uncircumcised cock saying they wanted nothing to do with them. And I was thinking "my god, send those beautiful cocks my direction because I want more of that.

It's really a shame that so many American men have been subjected to this procedure so that my experiences with that intact organ have been so rare. I love cock in all of it's many forms... but something about that uncircumcised piston of love...

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Ah, I hate this state. Taxes suck.

Meanwhile, I'm probably NOT getting the new/used car I was hungering for. Which means I'll have to get my POS fixed. My POS sucks, too.

So I get up in about 6 hours to drive an hour away to be irritated by my coworkers and bored out of my mind doing... nothing. And feeling guilty about it. At least the drive is exciting... it's in a child molester van. Not really what I think of as an "easy" driver, especially going up a major freeway trying my best to keep up with the flow of traffic while the engin squeals like a pig and the shocks have me bouncing around like I'm in a rodeo. Not very sexy. But it sure is an adventure....

Anyway. Yeah. So that's been my week. I'm going to bed....

Thursday, April 06, 2006


So we worked to 0430 the first night. The second night we worked until 0330. Today we start at 1300. Yeah, 10 hours later. We get off at 2000 tonight. Tomorrow we start at 0630. Yes, 8 1/2 hours later. Supposedly the rest of the shifts will start early, again. Why the changing schedule? Fucking awesome question. I have no idea. But it's way fucking annoying.

On the positive side (the ONLY positive side) although the store will be open while we're working... there might be some eye candy. New eye candy. Not that I'll want to talk to ANY of them. However, talking is not the purpose of eye candy, thankfully.

So I'm way fucking tired. No time to think. Barely time to write this.....

The Girls.

There are these two girls I've been working with the last couple of days. And I really don't LIKE them. I don't even really CARE that I don't like them. But I don't. However, I spend two hours with them in the car each time we go to the other store. I can only tune them out so much. They try to be nice and include me in their conversations but... ugh.

They started talking about blow jobs as we were heading home. And about the snot-like qualities of semen. "Did you know that like... 73% of men are offended if you don't swallow?!" I said something like "yeah, that sounds about right." So they started talking about how "Well, I've only ever swallowed once. It was enough" and the other girl said "I swallowed twice, but the second time I was drunk." And I said nothing because they don't need to know that I've swallowed many a load. Not that I always enjoy it (or even do it) but certainly more times than I can cound on my fingers and toes. They went on to talk about how neither of them actually likes to do it ("it's all sweaty and nasty down there at the end of the day...") and how it's gross. And I said nothing because it's called "a shower."

Then the one girl whom I really, really don't like started talking about her husband. Apparently she's very free with what an asshole her husband is... but she won't leave him. She says she HAS to shine his boots every morning. She HAS to get up and make his coffee before he goes to PT. I finally asked her "what if you don't do it? Just stop." "Well, he'll make me. He'll drag my ass out of bed." "That's assault." She changed the subject. I think I said something else really pointed about her stopping doing what he wants her to do and she changed the subject again. She said he refused to go to marital counseling with her "So go alone," I suggested. She came up with a "but-" and gave an excuse not to go. Clearly, she has no desire to change her situation. Drama. Victim. FUCKING ANNOYING.

I tend to draw parallels between other people's actions and my own. I wonder... if I'm SO miserable about my lack of sex life with my husband shouldn't I just up and leave? Maybe. But overall, I'm really NOT miserable enough to change things. I bitch and moan, now and again. But I hope to god I'm not the drama queen she is. I hope I don't come across on thriving on misery and being a victim the way she does. Because, you know, it's REALLY fucking annoying....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

First Night Shift

It's really weird sitting here trying... so... hard... to... remember... what fucking DAY it is. If I continue to work these nights for the rest of the week, I'm sure it's not going to get any easier to figure out.

We worked. We got some shit done. I'm not sure it's going to have to keep going for a while week, however. If it doesn't, maybe I'll take whatever days I'd have to be on the day shift again as vacation. Seeing as I'm already written out of the schedule. Well, whatever.

Oddly when I was meeting up with everyone at yet ANOTHER store around here before we headed off to the store we worked at (an hour away) I saw Mason. He didn't see me, which is probably for the best. Fuck that guy anyway....

Fuck all men, while we're at it. Well, maybe not ALL of them. Just the ones I know, right?

*sigh* I need to get laid.

Monday, April 03, 2006


I'm staying awake as long as I can stand to, tonight. So I can sleep through most of the day tomorrow. It seems someone was listening to my worries the other night as I lay in bed, trying to decide how in the hell I could even consider buying a new (used) car when I don't know what the hell is going to happen 6 months from now. I was considering the idea of getting a second job. Something easy, of course. Cashiering at Safeway, for instance. Something I can do mindlessly for hours. Stocking would be even better. I was considering whether I should look for something with the hours eight to midnight and tell my current boss that I can only work nights so I wouldn't be stuck getting up at 4:30 in the morning after working those long hours....

So for the next week I'll be working the night shift (extreme night shift, that is). What'll it be like to be away from the house in the middle of the night? I guess I'm going to find out.

I won't see any of the handsome boys at the store. Maybe I'll be stuck at the store I loathe next week and/or the week after. Who can say? Whatever the case, I'm not too broken up about it. I'm still irritated with Sam for being the way he is. And Mason for acting like I was the one coming on to him when I was being so careful NOT to. All my little cop buddies are pretty much gone. I don't get to see their smiling, joking faces anymore. I miss them. Without them... well... the store is just... a store. Oh, I miss them.

The only REALLY good news I have... apparently the man I have come to loathe will NOT be able to come work in "my" store. Something to do with security and the fact that he's not a US citizen. SCORE. I'm so fucking thrilled to know that I have that, at least, as a safe refuge from dealing with his stupid ass.....

Sunday, April 02, 2006

New Toys

I bought one of these because I've been looking for a new dildo. The fact that it vibrates is a great side benefit. I've hardly used it, alas. That time of the month and all, mostly I just don't feel like dealing with the clean up. However, given a little time I'm thinking this might become a personal favorite....

Meanwhile, after reading this I decided to buy myself a set. I had ben wa balls once. I wasn't impressed. But figured it was worth another old college try. About the same result. Getting up, walking around in them. Zzzz. But when I think about them being there... practice with the muscles... well... things get more interesting. Masturbating with them sitting silently, passively inside? Awesome. Fucking stellar, I say. Exactly the pressure I crave with my orgasm. That feeling of fullness. Oh, god yes.

I read a number of reviews about them. I suspect some people have been shoving them up their asses. More power to them, I say. They do look somewhat like that kind of a toy. However, I'm more than content to leave them blissfully inside my pussy. Where they will find themselves often....