Sunday, August 19, 2018

He loves me

And he shows me in ways I never expected. If he uses up something I bought... finishes my cheese, my margarita mix... He replaces it. Without being asked.

If I tell him sometime is a problem, like lack of flossing... he starts.

I love him.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Since Then

With our affection finally out in the open, between us, we've been more free to share our lives with one another. DB has become an important fixture, though the relationship is turning out to be a bit of a mine field.  Neither of us know how to actually connect with one another the way we should be able to. There are misunderstandings and fear throughout.

Meanwhile, I still have a husband. The marriage is becoming increasingly strained, of course. Not because of DB but because of my realization that "at my age" I should probably make a decision whether I want to spend the next 20 years in the same sexless relationship I'm in now. That's a big question and one I'm taking to a therapist to discuss.

It's funny how this question came up so many years ago. "Leave him" people told me (online). This won't get better.  Well, they weren't wrong.

Saturday, July 07, 2018

So much has happened

Now that DB is back in my life things have become a bit different. He's continued to threaten to leave me, but with less vigor than before. I forget if it was the first time we were together or perhaps the second. I was on top of him, perhaps partially clothed, kissing him like my life depended on it. Like I knew he was going to leave and I had to make sure he knew what a bad idea it would be. Like my kisses could show him how I felt and put everything on the table without words.

We talked between deep kisses and I don't remember how it happened but he told me "say it." I looked at him surprised and only somewhat confused.  "Say it," he said again. I looked deep into his eyes and I knew what he wanted.

But I couldn't do it. I shook my head and told him "No."

"Say it" he repeated.

"No!" I told him no emphatically, "I won't say it! It serves no purpose. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."

Derek stared at me, not saying anything, his face impassive. "Say it." He said, yet again.

I felt the tears starting to well in my eyes. "Why would you make me say it? It will only make you leaving me hurt so much more." I paused for a moment and said "You know, fine.... I love you." And then I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.

"I love you, too" He whispered and kissed me again.

Tuesday, June 05, 2018

DB Came Back

DB let me know he was single and available again. I was exhilarated and impatient. It took an extra 2 days for us to get our schedules synced.

So I went to see him for the first time in two months. I parked in the lot and watched him go up to his apartment. He was later than he was supposed to be. I sat down in my car contemplating the stupidity of what I was about to do.

He already told me he was going to leave me again. I know I'm going to hurt from it. I told myself I wouldn't let my heart get all wrapped up in him again.

I finally got the courage and went up to his apartment door. He let me in and stepped aside to finish with his food, not reaching for me or pressing any kind of attention. He got very close briefly and I told him to brush his teeth which he immediately did.

I laid down on his bed and he finally joined me, wearing his boxers and t shirt. I was in a t-shirt, bra, jeans, and panties. He was gentle, though not shy. Afraid of what I might not let him do. "This feels like our first date," he said.

I laughed and pulled his mouth down on mine, "Not a first date at all.". When we finally broke our kiss he couldn't help but point out to me that we had sleep together on our first date.

What followed was exactly the sort of thing I was afraid I would experience. Our chemistry is intense. He looks at me, kisses me, and fucks me like he's in love. The intimacy is remarkable.

He presses his entire body against me, not lazily but clearly seeking the closeness that I crave. He kisses me as I come. Here lets me hold him tight and close. I kiss his temple, his cheek, and his ear. I run my fingers through his hair.

And I think "my God, why doesn't he understand how special this is?!" And later, when he finally dozes off cuddled in my arms after we murmur random things to one another, I can't help but think he must know.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

As a rule I don't fuck married men. I am deeply opposed to lying and therefore cheaters pretty much get wiped off the table. Now, that's not always been the case. My morals have been looser at times than they are now. But, it's a rule I made years ago and generally follow with rare exception. Now, there are exceptions to my "no marrieds" rule. Namely, if they're not cheating. Men who are in open relationships/swingers are fair game. Particularly if they're able to demonstrate that they are, in fact, not cheating and their wife knows what's up.

Specific examples of this would be men who are at the local swinger's club. Particularly with their wives.  Done and done.  I am sure there are a few marrieds to come in without their spouse knowing, but if I don't know it either I guess it doesn't hurt me much. At least, not through any fault of my own.

Now, before I get into the story I should also add that as much as I like to say (as above) that my decision to avoid married men is a moral superiority on my part the fact is the real reason I don't fuck married men is because they are, as a rule, terrible in bed. As with all rules there are exceptions. But in my experience they are few and far between. Since I only have my experience to base these things on and it is only my experience that matters in this case, I'm actually pretty firm about the rule with the above noted exceptions.

So, having lost DB and needing some new excitement in my life I ended up chatting up a nice, reasonably attractive man on adult friend finder. He was respectful and friendly and for some reason I felt very, very comfortable with him very quickly. As such, the next day when I mentioned my plans to go to the local swingers club, he let me know that he'd been planning to go to and would be happy to join me.  Generally I have a rule about not bringing people I don't know into the club. I don't want to be the girl that brings drama. But for some reason he seemed really normal and respectful and I decided to take him with me.

He ended up picking me up and we headed to the club. He was much thinner than I thought he would be, and slightly taller. Not bad looking. But not the kind of guy I'd normally look twice at. We checked in at the club and then waited for orientation.  I've been through orientation but they've since updated their orientation with a new video and I was curious how it differed from my previous orientation a year ago.  Plus, this one was put on by the owner of the club so I was very curious.

We ended up in a room where I was the only woman in a room of 9 men (until the owner came in). I rather liked that. Some of them were hot. Some of them not so much. But the few that were hot were super hot and most of the rest were a little above average when it comes to attractiveness. It was particularly nice because I ended up getting to talk to pretty much all of them and started forming a bit of a bond. "I could fuck most of these guys!" I thought.

Ultimately, we went through the entire orientation and tour and then went to hang out while I talked him through the entire thing. He was clearly nervous sitting there with me, not so much because of me but because of the environment. He admitted it was actually a pretty nice venue and the vibe was way more relaxed than he expected it to be. But neither of us made any moves and we talked for a long time.

I finally dragged him back to the "voyeur" area where it was a little quieter and we sat on the couch and chatted with each other and the monitors who were chilling in the area with us. He finally started to relax and got a little more touchy feely with me when one of the women came over and started working to seduce one of the regulars at the club. She is maybe averagely attractive give or take depending on your preferences-- but she has a directness and lack of shame that everyone finds appealing.

She caught his attention and it made him hard and ready. We sucked into a private area where he freed his cock from his underwear. I swallowed it eagerly until he came for me. And then we left....

Thursday, April 19, 2018


Unexpectedly, DB's vanilla girlfriend who "wanted to take it slow" made the first move and they ended up in bed. His decision, well known to me, was that once he fucked her he wouldn't fuck me anymore. So with her move, I lost him.

It's been a hard few days. First, going through the despair that I would never get to talk to him again or see him at all. And of course, knowing that the source of my greatest orgasms was thoroughly taken away from me, never to happen again. That was tough. I cried. I cried for two days. I want to cry now.

I've begun to heal, of course. I knew this was coming and I know I can find someone else out there who will touch me in such wonderful ways. Maybe I won't fall in love with him but I will certainly get to enjoy all the sexual freedom I had with DB. And hopefully more.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Nothing to lose

Because he's leaving me, I really have nothing to lose with him anymore. I'm free to do or say whatever makes me happy, knowing if it alienates DB it just means less dragging out of the end of our relationship. Less pain for me, really.

I'm working on some self-help kind of things, listening to music that will help me get through, practicing guided meditation to get over all this. I even talked to one of my friends who by virtue of being a sounding board reminded me that I can't keep DB anyway. No matter how much I want him.

And so, bit by bit, I'm showing my real self to DB. The neurotic parts. The clingy, needy girl who hungers for love and attention. All the parts that I know he's denied exist. And then he'll be gone without regret.

I'm slowly peeling away the shiny chromed out veneer and forcing myself to look at the rusted, dirty parts. And before I know it my love for DB will be replaced by the disappointment and blankness that is so familiar.