Oops.

This morning I was masturbating right here in front of my computer. It's where I do most of masturbating. In the living room with my computer displaying some kind of porn or another.

This morning I was in a rush to cum and get to work. I slid my pants down and slipped my dildo inside me, coated with just a touch of lube. My fingers found my clit as I played the DVD of some guy giving it to some woman.

As I got more excited I rocked on the dildo, my fingers rubbing my clit harder. Finally I came. And with a small crack I felt my chair break under me. I balanced precariously as I was cumming unable (and unwilling) to stop.

Finally, I was done, and I got up and fixed the chair, returning the extremely loose nut to it's proper place on the bolt.

However, afterward, chair fixed, I sat considering that it had been an INCREDIBLY satisfying orgasm. Strong, lengthy, and absolutely what I'd needed. Which brought me back to the conclusion I'd considered but never been able to test in a really controlled manner... that being FORCED to change something about your normal sexual behaviors during orgasm changes the intensity. When I've forced myself to be utterly silent when I'm used to being loud... I cum harder. And when I force my entire body to be still lest I fall... I cum harder. Etc. What then follows is the desire to experience something like that with a partner.....

So there's this other guy.

This guy. He wants me.

He comes to my work sometimes. Mostly with his kids. Once with his wife. That was vaguely awkward.

Everytime I see him I want him just a little more. I become just a bit more attracted. This time we actually had a conversation. Including one of my co-workers briefly (nervously on my part).

I'm considering whether I can deal with being the other woman.... AGAIN.

No real emotional entanglement. Just sex.

But we'll see. Somehow... I think he's going to get what he wants.

I may have to come up with a nickname for this one. Or maybe I've just jinxed it by writing about it....

Ha ha ha!

Husband and I use humor to lighten situations. We do that a lot and there really aren't many conversations we have where we don't use humor to say what we have to say without being super hurtful.

The other night husband and I had a really long conversation. At one point he told me, "you know, we've already agreed that you're the perfect woman for me" (an reference to a conversation we had YEARS AGO) " so if I can't make it with you... maybe I should just give up and stop dating women altogether."

To which I responded, "Yeah, stop torturing people." And then I laughed my ass off for about the next five minutes.

Maybe you had to be there. But it still makes me laugh.

Married Sex

I was thinking about what makes married sex so boring. Familiarity, obviously, is so much a part of it. You'd think the familiarity of your partner would make it better. You get to learn all the things that make your partner quiver... breath heavy... and cum.

Fortunately, at least at first, you learn to concentrate on what makes you partner cum. A touch there... a lick there... ah... orgasm. Delightful. Again? Please?

And as time drags on... the years pass. You know all your lover's buttons. The sighs, the quivers... they matter less as one rushes toward the ultimate goal of orgasm. Get in bed... hit the buttons... done. Sleep. A week later... in bed... same buttons... goal! Sleep. Repeat as neccessary.

Booooooooooooooooooooring.

And increasingly... the buttons don't work as well. Because they're not preceeded by the teasing... the excitement.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!

How to get back to the excitement? Some manage. Other's don't.

I have my theories... but how would I know?

Nocturnal Admissions

I totally should have saved that title for something else. Damn. But it's okay. I'm not the first person to come up with it. http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/search.html?rank=&url=%22nocturnal+admission%22 See?

Anyway. Last night. Hot guy. On cam. Licked his lips. Teasing me. I rolled my eyes. I laughed. I wasn't impressed.

I went to bed, horny anyway. Just from seeing him.

I fell asleep.

I dreamed of his mouth between my legs. I dreamed of his tongue seeking, teasing, thrusting.

I came in one gentle shuddering gasp.

I woke up just enough to remember.

Hyper Male

I'm totally digging those hypermale men. Like... hair on the chest... broad shoulders.... Actually, that's pretty normal for me. But I tell you. A reasonably good looking guy who's hypermasculine gets me wet EVERYTIME.

So I'm watching this guy and I'm thinking in my head "he's just so... MALE... god..." and I can see myself kissing... licking... wrapping myself around him... feeling him slide inside me.

Damn.....

The "bi-male" thing.

So more about Eric Price. I was sitting here watching his early gay porn flick. The first time I saw him having sex with a man I was vaguely fascinated. Here was this guy I lusted after... could I handle actually seeing him doing things with another man that I could never hope to replicate? I watched for about two minutes before I was sure my brain was going to explode from being overloaded and had to walk away.

The thing that confused me is that I've long heard stories of straight porn actors getting into gay porn for the money. Especially more recently viagra allows straight men to perform in a situation which might not normally be arrousing. I've seen it on HBO so it must be true.

This movie was made well before Viagra. Viagra was less than a gleem in a young scientist's eye.

Still, I was convinced Eric would be a top. It would allow him to close his eyes and say "it's a girl it's a girl" And then I watched him getting fucked. And it blew my mind. Straight men just don't DO that in my world. It floored me. I had to think about it.

I acknowledge that the world is much broader than what I know, personally. There is so much to do and see and be which is completely foreign to me. This just happened to be one of those things, for whatever reason.

And now I'm completely thrilled with it.

Also, one guy just totally deep throats him like you wouldn't believe. I'm so jealous. I can't do that....

Okay.

Someone's got to explain to me what happened to Kathy's blog. I mean, is this a regular occurance... bloggers just disappearing off the face of the earth? C'mon now....

Useless Response of the day.

Hi there-

I am originally from *****, now living in Atlanta, but visit *****. regularly to see family and friends. I'm a photojournalist and will be shooting several concerts in *****. the first week or two of March, staying around the *******, looking for a playmate.

Kindly check out my profile and photos and let me know what you think. We have some common interests...you sound like someone I’d like to get to know. My yahoo email is XXX@

Take care!

XXX

------ Profile Attached -------

i'm a swm, 50, very good-looking, 6'3, 195#, dark curly hair, bedroom green eyes, a delicious thick 8 inches, very longlasting. i'm a degreed professional, photojournalist and certified massage therapist. i have many varied interests, including long lovemaking sessions of mutual creative pleasure.

Once again I get a response from a guy who is roughly twice my age... not even a LOCAL... and definately not available for ongoing play. I'm sure he's great in bed. Just not for ME.

At least he's not married.... *sigh* Why is it, again, that I never get laid? Oh... yeah....

I've been giving it some thought....

and in my heart I have a suspicion that one of the bloggers I link to might be two of the bloggers I link to. If that doesn't make sense, that's okay. It's more about me confessing my suspicion and putting it out there. I'm not complaining. It would explain a lot. I'm rather embarassed that it took me so long to put two and two together.

But I might be completely wrong.

Forget

I keep forgetting all these great ideas for posts that I keep having. I wrote one down somewhere... and it disappeared. Not unusual in this house.

I bought my Eric Price/ Charlie Stone gay porn. It's definately amusing. There's some really interesting acting in it. Eric/Charlie, though, remains a fairly decent porn actor. And I still want to bang him. More on that later, maybe....

Search

Husband did help me look for my pills last night. Ultimately, I was the one that found them... but it's the helping that counts. What a good boy.

A telling exchange

I was lazing over husband as he was snuggled into bed. We were having our evening "goodnight" as he readied for sleep. I reached over and took my birth control pill and told him "well, if I can't find my new packs, I'll be off the pill for the month." (I'm making due with the tail end of a pack from when I messed up and missed too many pills that month).

"If you remind me I'll look for it tomorrow," he said.

"Well, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of going off it anyway because all it does it makes me depressed and if I'm depressed and not having sex ANYWAY... seems pointless." He got very quiet at this point. "I'm not trying to be mean. I"m just letting you know. In case you want to stop me."

"okay," he said. Nothing more.

I tried not to be hurt.

Finally I asked in a small voice, "are we ever going to have sex again?"

"yes," he told me, "but not right now."

"No, I didn't mean right now. I was just asking. It's just... is it me?"

He shrugged, "No," he replied, "I haven't masturbated in two days." Which made me laugh. I try to laugh and be friendly during these conversations. I want to MAKE SURE he knows I'm not MAD and I'm not accusing him of anything. I just want answers. But that actually made me laugh.

"Two days?! TWO DAYS?!?" I giggled. "We haven't had sex since the 29th of November!"

He got quiet again. "I know. We will."

"How come you get so mad when I ask you these things?"

"Because I feel guilty."

I laughed, "it's your catholic upbringing... you're only allowed to have sex to make babies." He laughed, too. Then I added, "so you feel guilty so you get mad at me? How does this make sense?!?" We giggled a bit and got off topic and left it at that.

I try not to push these things too far but I'm inquisitive and want to know wtf is going on in his head.

So.

Hello,
Hi, my name is *****. I am a 44 year old professional
male.

Okay, a little over the age I'm into but I can handle that.

I am looking for someone that knows what they want,someone that is open minded and open to trying new things in and out of the bedroom.I enjoy most of what life has to offer. I enjoy weeken get aways, travel, anything outdoors.I am what all my friends call easygoing, although I do tend to be a smartass from time to time. But do enjoy having fun.In the bedroom I am openminded, and willing to try new things. I enjoy giving massages, and am what most maycall overly oral. Am certainly not your wam bam type asI enjoy foreplay and moreplay!

Moreplay?! Okay, I'll let that go too. He sounds reasonably okay. Let's check out his vital stats.... Ah. He's in another state. Completely inaccessable. Great. Thanks for wasting my time, dude.

I almost always automatically refuse those who send me penis pictures, too. That's not any way to interest me and I guarantee it's a way to turn me off right quick. You send me that pic and it better be SOMETHING to look at because if it's NOT and you think it's your best feature... you're out.

would you be interested in a 38 year old firefighter?? i would love to chat with you

Great. A guy who can't seperate his personality from his job. And tries to use it to lure women. Doesn't he have anything better to offer?


Hi! I read your profile and enjoyed it very much. I am a mature gentleman, 5'10", 215 lbs, blond hair, blue eyes, easy going, open-minded, and very sexually adventurous. I have been known to keep it up for quite a long time. I enjoy a little kinky sex, but also vanilla. I too prefer the sex to have some emotion (and yes, the more the better). I am not looking for a relationship---just a lot of sex.

Mature? Quick check... and... over 50. WAY out of my age range which I PUT IN MY AD. He simply chose to ignore that part.

I'm very normal, nice and likable. I am an upper-middle-class businessman who enjoys younger women. I like everything there is about them....their energy, their smile, their smell, and especially their taste.

Mmm. Funny because I feel so much the opposite about men who're twice my age.

I don't believe in rushing a meeting, so lets talk. I think you'll find we're probably mentally compatable. I am not turned off by shyness, in fact I like it. Kinda turns me on a little. If you like me you'll find that I, too, have a voracious appetite for sex.Interested? email me here at AFF, or at *****@aol.com, and lets discuss things and get to know each other a bit....then we can get naked.P.S. I don't mind that you are married.

He doesn't mind that I'm married? How magnanimous.

Yeah, I do tear the men who write to me apart and there are a few cases where I go back and realize I was too harsh and will try to persue things. But personality clashes and timing tend to be the problem....

Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. But I don't see my real life persuits going any better....

About EB

Last night as I was talking to both the ex and EB online I was once again reminded of the incredibly differences between the two of them.

With the ex I felt incredible passion. And even love. But he was never really my friend. I hated listening to him talk sometimes. We tried to force a friendship.

With EB, there is barely any lust. Sometimes. But not much. Every so often he comes up with something really sexy that he'll say and I'll get wet. I'm always wet when it comes to actually being with him. However, we have the potential to be great friends. We think a lot a like and I find him extremely funny.

The ex divorced his wife and has gone through a series of relationships swearing that each girl is the one for him. And then leaving them. He's not the most "aware" guy and generally puts his needs before those around him (although in bed he's fucking awesome).

EB divorced his wife and isn't looking for another relationship. He's seen maybe one or two girls (myself... maybe another) but only infrequently. Enough to take the edge off. He's always extremely polite and caring in bed and out. The typical nice guy.

Having the two on my IM program reminded me quite forcefully that the ex is NOT the kind of guy I want in my life anymore. I commented on the fact that the last time I saw him he and I talked for about a minute and a half and in that time his girlfriend was standing next to him awkwardly and he made NO EFFORT to introduce us. For me it was awkward to know she was with him but get no introduction and to know he was like... ignoring her. I smiled and said "hello" to her and he said NOTHING, didn't even look at her. I asked him about it later and said I thought it was painfully rude for him to have done that and he got snippy and told me if I hadn't been in such a rush and only given him less than a second to introduce her he'd have done so. But I'm not so sure. I think he's really insensitive that way.

Basically, I really really like EB. And I realised I really really don't like the ex. So I deleted him. And then I looked at my buddy list and deleted half of them, too.

I feel better. Although now my buddy list looks sparse.....

And another thing...

I was talking to my ex tonight online... and I finally realised... much as I still want him (well, what we had) I really can't stand him anymore. He jerks me around too much. I deleted him from my IM list. Fuck him anyway. And I'm about to go take him off my phone, too. It's not like we ever call each other so why start now?

Frank, too, actually. Both gone.

Time to move on.

Why do I have such a hard time filling the space that Husband leaves me? I'll get back to you on that real soon. I've been trying to come up with an understandable answer. It's slow going.

Hmm.

I just told EB "I have more self control than you do." But I was just thinking. Some of the guys I've been with have been EXCELLENT at waiting for me to cum before they do. And I was just thinking how completely greedy I am for orgasms. There have been a few times in my life when I've been able to hold off (only when alone, mind you, I'm not so cruel) but mostly if I'm on the verge of cumming... I rush toward it with great enthusiasm.

So basically, much as I get really frustrated with guys who are swept up in the moment and cum without me... I actually GET it. And think it's damned impressive that they manage to put it off at all. I just don't think I have the willpower.

Desire

Despite how Li is so very capable of annoying me at times, there's one thing I can definately say for him. He never, ever makes me feel ashamed or bad about my desire for him. Granted, we don't have length conversations about it or anything. However, it's utterly delightful that he KNOWS I want him and he doesn't WORRY about it.

Anyway, it's nice because he lets me feel comfortable with my desire for him.

On the other hand, the more I think about it the more I think that future child of his has completely fucked me out of getting laid by him. I think it's seriously time for me to lay my desire for him aside and find someone else to lust after. There are a few things I envision and among them is the suspicion that while he claims his baby-mama (my word not his) isn't the woman he thinks he'll marry, he'll be in the room for the birth and suddenly fall deeply in love with her for having his kid. Or something equally stupid which will later lead to their bitter divorce.

Well, okay, I AM a little bitter. But what can I say? I see what HAD to have been a sure thing just dying a slow and painful death and I just hate that. *sigh*

But none the less, at least he doesn't make me feel weird about him knowing I want him. And that's super cool. So I'll take it just as it is.

On a side note, I swear he touches me a hell of a lot more than is absolutely neccessary. Like a lot more. And I really really really like it. And I can't help but think that he ought to keep his hands to himself more if he doesn't want to lead me on. I mean, it's not like he's grabbing bits and pieces or anything. But he takes my hand and touches my arm when contact isn't strictly neccessary.

He was having trouble with a particular item and I was helping him. We were super close together for a few moments which I was enjoying. I did it utterly on purpose. And I'm having a hard time remembering if he stepped away from me because someone else came into the room or if he did it on his own. I mean, in a way that kind of matters.

I wish he'd just tell ME if he desires me. But I also know he pretty much wants me to ask. Except that he's the one who told me months ago that he'd let me know if he's ever single... so.....

Bleh. I gotta get over it.

Published.

My "article" is online at the Sex-Kitten site. Specifically it can be found here. For anyone who reads me regularly it's not very interesting but I thought it was a decent sort of introduction. I may choose to start writing there regularly but I'm not sure yet. I mean, I have THIS blog and I want THIS blog to be cool on it's own....

Thoughts.

One of the things I adored about the ex was the way he made me feel really cherished. He may have been pretending the whole time, but he was really something special. I don't really believe he was pretending, but it's possible. Regardless, much as he annoyed me personally in a lot of ways there was no shortage of affection between us.

Whereas with husband we're great friends. But there's definitely a dearth (word confiscated from another blogger) of affection.

I sometimes think I could make a whole relationship out of what the ex and I had. Just being incredibly affectionate even if we couldn't be super close friends.

But of course that's not really realistic.

Sometimes I really want to leave Husband.

But I won't.

Vaaaaaaaaaaaalentine's Day

I spent the day at work and husband surprised me with a card and some chocolate, which was unexpected but appreciated. Even though I told him I didn't want anything I still had half and eye open for SOMETHING. I would never have held it against him had he chosen NOT to get me anything (since I told him not to) but I appreciate that he did it anyway.

Anyway. I ended up spending the better part of the day with Li. That was really nice. He was pleasant and relaxed and so was I. The people who worked tonight were fun and funny and we all worked but really spent the evening goofing off. Joking around and just generally laughing our asses off.

Turns out Li's girlfriend is pregnant which is exciting but pretty much means I won't be getting any of that anytime soon. Because that's the kind of guy he is. Damn.

The most amusing part of the day was when I first came in. I asked him to come look at something in one of the stockrooms and give me advice on how to deal with it. As we were talking and looking around my eyes were drawn momentarily down and I swear he had a bit of a chubby. It's hard to say for sure because he's a bit of a shower, I think. But I'm relatively sure. Shortly after I noticed he made it a point to turn away from me and wander off some distance while he was looking at some item in his hands. Perhaps to calm down? Very shortly after that he disappeared for a while. For lunch one might assume. Or a trip to the bathroom? Whatever it was I was rather gratified because one must assume it was for ME. Mmm.

Which of course only made me get all wet and tingly. Which is a nice sensation but I want to cum so bad right now it's not even funny. Except husband is down here and might become frightened by the furiocity of my masturbation. Not to mention the dirty dirty words I intend to say while I do it. God damn I want that man to fuck the hell out of me....

Maybe once I start seeing him again regularly my interest will cool off. But for now, once again, I desire him.

It was a nice way to spend valentine's day.

Then there's this guy.

At work.

His name is John. John is hot. Seriously. Banging body. Handsome face. I'm not the only one who drools over this boy. He's seriously fine. He's also got a girlfriend whom I CANNOT STAND.

She used to work for me. I wanted to fire her so bad I could taste it. Instead she was transfered to another department. Right at the same time I was. Too funny. She was among those who accused Weird Eric of sexual harrassment. She was the one that gave him her phone number and spent plenty of company time socializing with him. She's a god damned liar. And she helped get him fired.

So John likes to flirt. He's always been that way. I'm SO not his type it's not even funny. But when he turned 18 he made sure to tell me. "I'm legal!" he told me, meaningfully. I laughed at him. He puts his arms around me now and again. I find the quickest exit I can manage. I want to flirt with him really badly. But, I have a hard time imagining that he's not just teasing and I AM a supervisor. I bite my tongue or I make sarcastic comments when he tries to flirt with me.

Today I made the mistake of flirting back. I was walking toward the office. "Hey, I'm going to be in the office. I'll be in there for a few minutes." He walked in at that moment and I grabbed his arm "Let's go!" I laughed to myself as he stood momentarily confused. I realised with a great amount of shock what I'd said and hurried to the office expecting he'd move along. Except he followed me.

"What'd you mean by that?" he asked, sitting down.

Oh. Shit.

I smiled trying to think of a good lie. "I'm bored. Entertain me."

He was quiet.

"I'm bored. C'mon... can you juggle?"

"What?"

"Entertain me! Can you juggle? Walk on your hands?" I was desperate.

"No...."

"You're not very entertaining," I informed him.

"I am. Just not in the way you want me to be," he said. Oh, holy fuck. He muttered something and started to leave. "Did you hear me?" he asked.

"...no, not at all," I responded.

"I could lock the office door," he said.

"...I don't think it locks, anyway," I laughed. "How old are you?"

"18," he tells me, proudly.

"You're not capable of being THAT entertaining at 18," I told him.

"You don't know," he replied.

"Please. At 18 you simply can't be. Sorry."

And that was about it.

I know he's the aggressor in this in a way I definately choose not to be in this situation. Too volitile. But god damn. Could he make it more difficult for me? He's clearly doing it on purpose. Fucker.

I need to get laid.

Sex Starved Wife

I see that I've gotten more than a few hits from people doing searches on Sex Starved Wife. Just for the record, I have no clue what happened to her. One day her blog was there, the next it was gone. Thus, I deleted it from my list of blogs I read. Maybe she still reads the blogs. Maybe she'll let someone know where she went. I certainly wonder. Alls I can say for sure is she's disappeared back into the ether which is terribly disappointing. Hopefully it wasn't anything traumatic that caused the disappearance.

Whatever the case she's missed but I don't have the answers. If anyone else does, feel free to inform....

Another Damned Husband Story

The other night as my husband was watching TV I told him "you know I want you, right? Seriously. And it really pretty much hurts that you don't want me. It must be nice being wanted... even by someone you don't want." He said nothing.

The other night I crawled over him as he was watching TV and told him "you know, it really bothers me that you know you have something I want and need and you're capable of providing it and continually choose not to." He said something. I don't remember what. It was a non-response of another kind.

I thought for sure that'd work. *sigh*

Speaking of Boys...

I believe Li will be at my work on Monday.

I had a dream about him last night. Vaguely sexual. Definately a lot of sexual tension in it.

I'm not sure there will be any of that when I see him next, though. It's hard to say. I think the last time I saw him was right at Christmas time. That's rather a long time, if you ask me. It could all be done. It was before. No telling, though.

Hot Porn Males

Okay, not very many of the porn stars are hot. At least not the male ones. So, we females are forced to make do. Or watch gay porn (which I do) but it's just not the same. It's hard to imagine switching places when you've got this super hot guy getting head from this other super hot guy. I'm just not sure I'd be good enough at that point. However, I can handle watching the not-as-hot porn boys banging the hell out of the super hot (or super freaky looking) porn girls.

I bring this up because I was just watching one of my favorite porn actors (Eric Price) have sex with some nameless blonde and I got to thinking that even in real life men like him must be WONDERFUL to have sex with. Just because they've learned how to control themselves and wait until someone else LETS them cum. Now, it may be that the wild uncontrolled fucking they're allowed to do off camera is more gratifying and therefore harder to control... but I'll take that chance.

On a side note, yesterday I wrote a long entry about my adoration of Mr. Price (and Steven St. Croix, too) at which point the evil gods of the keyboard told me I'd pressed some special button which deleted my whole entry. I was not amused. So I went to bed. Needless to say today's entry will likely NOT be the last you hear about either of these two men.

Dinner

I had dinner with husband and his friend last night. I chose my seat and the waitress chose to remove the 2nd menu from that part of the table. Husband chose to sit down opposite me which I thought was odd. So his friend stood there for a second and chose to sit down next to me. And then move the other place setting from across the table. No one said anything about it.

Later I asked husband why he didn't sit with me. His excuse was lame. *I* was the first one to sit down and he accusingly explained "I sat down where there were two menus!" Okay. Because menus are glued to the table right? Not that it mattered, really. It was just odd. That was the only reason I asked him but he acted like I was trying to pick a fight. So, I dropped it.

During the evening for whatever reason we started talking about the new Mc Donald's campaign involving having sex with a burger. Rather clever marketing since it appears to be something most people have seen. Eventually, conversation veered toward the increasingly sexual.

I discovered that husband's friend is definitely a porn fiend the same way I am (this is something I was pretty confident in anyway) and likes giving facials. I filed this away in the "if I ever have sex with him" file. I shall definitely remember to beg him to cum all over my face and tits. You know, after I've cum of course. It'd make him crazy turned on.

Orgasms. They're so mental.

Bits.

Anal sex husband watching? Can we say I think not? Heh. Someone ended up on my site using that search string. Try again.

The hitatchi magic wand is one of the most amazing toys EVER. Highly recommended. That twitching orgasm I was talking about? Love those. I don't think I even turned it on the high setting. Wonderful piece of machinery.

Clearly I'm off the pill for the week and my body is like "let's DO it...." I like having the edge back on my sex drive. I like being super horny and just wanting to fuck and then fuck some more.

3 more months then back to the gyno to look for an alternative form of birth control....

Boys.

There were so much hot boys at work today. Four to be exact. And I'm horny. Lovely combination.

The best among them was a fine hispanic fellow (come to take care of a work order) who was a little too bad-boy for me... but was waaay fucking funny. He had tattoos. I was tempted to stare at them. He would have been game to explain, I think, but instead I went back to work. I try to be a good girl. I flirted with him a little. Told him he wouldn't be able to fix the problem that he was sent to fix. He asked me if I thought he wasn't man enough. I laughed and said, "no, not for this." "I'm a big guy," he pointed out. Which wasn't terribly true... but I didn't care. He was sexy as hell.

But then I'm currently off the pill AND in the middle of my period both of which make me very very horny. So I'm abnormally easy. Had he pulled me into some dark corner he would have gotten an incredible BJ at the very least.... Alas, it was all fantasy. And now I'm home.

Oh, and by the way... he wasn't able to fix it. He sent his coworker to tell me that they were leaving. Too cute.

The Side Effect of the Snuggle

Part one:

I smiled at husband late last night, "thanks for snuggling with me. I really liked sleeping together like that."

To which he responded, "Did I sleep?"

I stared at him.

"Well, I mean, I remember it being a lot later than I thought it was. But I don't remember falling asleep."

Except that he most certainly did because I was the one who woke him up around superbowl time.

"So, what you just laid there thinking 'how much longer do I have to lay here? God let me get out of bed....'" which is pretty much his normal response when I want to snuggle.

He didn't really respond. I kinda wanted to smack him. But decided to hope for the best and figure he was just offended by what I'd said. I decided I was still glad we'd been so close.

Part 2:

I spent the better part of snuggling day with a friend and coworker (not snuggling) who told me "I'm getting sick, I think." I forbade her from getting sick. We drove around for a long time in an enclosed car.

Today she called out sick.

I came home to husband "hey, guess what?" I related the above bit to him and added "I really don't feel good tonight, either. Aren't you glad we chose yesterday to snuggle?"

"Yeah. Great," he replied, "but it's not like we slept with my tongue in your face. I mean, as far as you know."

Snuggle.

My husband and I NEVER EVER EVER snuggle. Well, not very often anyway. Definately NOT while we sleep. We even sleep under seperate covers.

This afternoon after getting off the phone with his parents, my husband went to bed. I snuggled up to his back and we fell asleep under my blanket. Almost an hour later I woke up and he told me he couldn't get comfortable and turned over. I turned around and snuggled back against him. And we both very quickly went back to sleep.

It felt so good to be physically close again. We spent a lot of really QUALITY time together between last night and today. No sex. Just lots of happy. And now snuggling.

I'll take it. Besides, I have cramps.

To write...

or not?

I've been invited to do a guest posting on someone's (really pretty nicely put together) page. Something of a webzine. I'm tempted. Not sure yet if I have what it takes, though. No pressure, right?

CD said I should write. CD said I should get paid for it. This would not be paid. That's okay, though. You've got to start somewhere. He'd be proud of this, though.

I'm proud of even just the invite.

But I don't know where to start. I'm waiting for guidance. If none is forthcoming... well... I'll just guess, I suppose. And see where that gets me.

Speaking of Sex Toys Not at All

First, I asked husband "have you noticed a distance between us lately?" "Yes, a little." "Mmm. It's your fault." I said, then laughed hysterically. Ah, that felt good. Then I said "we USED to do things together. Remember every sunday we used to walk around the trail...." "Okay, let's do that sunday," he said. "But I already have a date for Sunday." "Okay, next sunday." "I work next sunday." "Oh. Maybe that's why we stopped."

Later, I asked husband "if I bought expensive sex toys do you think we'd have sex?" "like what?" "That furniture... the liberator and stuff." "Ah. Maybe." I thought about it for a second. Furniture. That I can't use alone. "Nevermind, we wouldn't use it." "You can still get it." "But I don't have sex in the house and I can't take it with me." "Why not?" I stared at him momentarily. "You can get it," he said. Yeah. Yay. *sigh* Just what I need, another reminder of our lack of a sex life. Something else for me to get all excited about using... and then never end up using. Great.

It's official.

I really am NOT attracted to the Hugh Heffner's current crop of bunny girlfriends. In so far as I'm at all attracted to women I'm into women with much more flesh. Although I'm so not into breasts.

The post I was gonna make.

So. The post I was talking about last time.

There's this guy. (Here I go jinxing it by talking about him) whom I totally dig. I like him. But I was thinking that the longer he and I wait to get together... the worse it could be. I bring this up because of the idea of anticipation.

There was a guy a few years ago that I desired. A few years? Gosh, almost 7 years ago. He and I talked off and on for close to three years. When we first started chatting he was maybe 30 miles north of me, but we never met. And then he moved somewhere. And I moved to the other coast. Within a year he was once again living within 30 miles, this time south of me. He wanted to meet, but I was afraid. After over a year of build up I wanted this man so much I could taste it. And I just KNEW I could never live up to his expectations.

Eventually, he moved again (this time overseas) I told him once during this time that he'd become my favorite fantasy. He finally told me, "really, don't build me up like that. Because I'm just another person...." I laughed it off, "it's not like that. I imagine you'd be really good in bed... but somehow you're a surefire fantasy to get me off." He still had a problem with it, though. Because as he told me, "I really might not be that good in bed." Over the years we've completely lost touch, which is SUCH a disappointment to me because he's someone I think of as a friend and I really really liked him as such above and beyond the sexual attraction I felt.

It reminds me of CD, whom I slept with a few months back. I do not doubt for a SECOND that the sex that we had was a MAJOR disappointment to him. I think he saw me as someone far more knowledgable and experienced than I am. I messed up with him pretty bad. Probably one of my worst sexual performances EVER. I think over the course of about 8 months he decided I would be an incredible lay... and ended up being just awful because of the anticipation and fantasy he'd built up about me.

I'm afraid Justin and I are going to go this way. He sometimes brags about his sexual prowess. I find myself drawn to that... I want to believe him. And then I heave a big internal sigh and tell myself to calm my ass down... because you're only as good in bed as your current performance and afterward... it pretty much starts at zero, again. There's so much more to sex than just one person's supposed abilities. What turns me on might be a turn off to the next girl... etc.

So anyway. I'm just thinking.

On another note Justin called me today to see if I wanted to get together for lunch. Maybe 10 minutes after I'd finished eating my late breakfast. *sigh* I agreed but told him I needed to shower and dress (which I did). As I was completing getting ready he told me he had to go back to work unexpectedly. Damn. Today coulda been the day.

Reminder to myself:

I MUST remember to write a post about Justin, Daniel, and anticipation/desire and disappointment (with a quote from Daniel and allusions to CD). Because it's something I simply MUST share and explore. Except I'm so fucking tired right now I might just keel over....

Millet tree.

I'm looking over my visitors. Namely their IP addresses. I never realised how many marines I'd end up getting. Namely people with IP addresses involving quantico and usmc.mil. Then there's people from Aberdeen Proving Ground (which might not actually be a marine but fuck it, they'll be what I say they are). And someone in Tukwila which is very close to where I was born.

To the military people I apologize for stealing the marine motto and using it for my own but it's SOOOO appropriate. To those searching for a hot available marine... I suggest trying certain parts of California. To the person in Tukwila. Well. At least you're not in Fife.

On a side note, I've never slept with a marine. And there haven't been all that many marines I've lusted after. Most of my lust goes toward the navy because they're hot and not... you know... crazy. The AF is mostly made up of business men. Business men can be hot. Just not usually Air Force business men (sorry). The Air Force has a lot of hot women, though. I've slept with an Air Force business man. And then we have army. Well. I've slept with army. They're a varied bunch. Some worthwhile... some not. Hard to say.

Why, I could work on collecting the armed forces! (except the coast guard which does a very important job but really is more about rescuing than military-ing).

Anyway. I'm just talking. I'm sure I've offended someone. If you're the person in Tukwila and you're offended...well... really... that's so totally your own fault.

Odd.

One person looked me up as OdalisqueK one person looked me up as odalisquek. One was on yahoo. One was on google. I can't imagine one person who'd be looking me up by name. Let alone two. Very odd.

Headache.

I'm tired and have a lovely headache. Stressful day at work. I'm so not in the mood for sex.

And yet, I wish I had it to look forward to. In the very near future. I mean, sort of. Mostly I just want to lay down and cry.

I hate days like this.

Now, being loved on... touched... teased... that'd make for a much better day.