Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Sweet Chocolate

Today wasn't all that interesting. Well, at least not on a sexual type front. Unfortunately, the managers are trying to change the hours of my store. Shorter hours. And it struck me that if the hours were changed so drastically I'd hardly EVER see Sam again. And then I realized it's been weeks since I last saw him. Disappointing... but then as my time here draws to a close I realize I might as well get over that. I can see, though, that leaving this place behind... it's all going to come crashing down emotionally and I'm going to be really lost for a while, knowing I'm leaving just about everyone and everything I know.

Anyway. I have this mild obsession with this guy who very occasionally comes into the store. It's not so much what he looks like or how he acts but really... what he does. The same thing as Keith. While I'm not a big follower of that particular profession... somewhere in my heart I keep hoping I'll find another Keith. So I look at him and I wonder.

Today he bought a Haagen Daz bar and opened it in front of me. There was something deliciously revealing and erotic about the way he unveiled the chocolate covered bar. I found myself scarce able to breathe for a moment.

Or maybe I just really like chocolate.

Monday, June 26, 2006

A good day

For some reason I was up a little early this morning. I didn't want to be, but whatever. It happens to work out well then that my boss called me and told me no one had opened the store and could I please go do so? This was almost 2 hours after the store was supposed to be open. Since I woke up early, however, it wasn't a big deal. Then I took two hours off in the middle of the day and relaxed, watching TV and snuggling the dogs before heading back to work.

Somehow the split shift did me good. While I was at work in the morning I worked with "the new" boy. It appears he's as flirtatious and fun as I am. The fact that he bears an uncanny resemblance to one of my celebrity crushes doesn't help matters. I managed NOT to even SORT of go that direction with him. I flat out refuse to even CONSIDER the idea. Which is fine because he seems to feel the same way. But he's amusing and it was pleasant.

However, he amused me with his flirtation with other people. I don't know why but I love watching flirtatious interactions between people. It fascinates and thrills me. So I had a good time working with him.

Later at the other store, Mason came in and we talked a very little bit. All on the up and up. I've decided he looks vaguely like Chris Noth (Mr. Big) except... better, really. And I still think he'd be excellent in bed. Like really... really... attentive and sensual. Well, that's what I dream of, anyway. Not that I should bother to waste my thoughts on that anyway because there is zero chance of anything ever happening. But... but... damn.

Trian came in and told me a bit more about what's going on with him. Much drama, of course. I'm still not convinced he brings it on himself... but he certainly doesn't avoid it. And it got me to thinking about my life and "drama" and what I do and don't want to be part of that life and whether I'm too quick to cut things out that I don't care for... whether I'm too celebral about some things. Sure, I can get caught up in emotion but genreally the colder and more logical I am about things the more pleased I am when I look back on my choices....

Anyway. I was still really pleased with the day and ended up being in a very good mood for most of it.

Tomorrow... well... we'll see.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


For the record, lest y'all failed to understand... I'm not trying to die or anything. Anyway, I wrote what I wrote to vent and because I feel like I've run out of coping mechanisms. Of course I haven't. I'm okay today. Unfortunately, much of what makes me feel "okay" is just plain refusing to think about what happened and all the things I did wrong. The list feels endless. So instead I'm focusing on the here and now as much as possible. Obviously, I can't live my life like this because one must plan for the future and all... but for right now... it's all I can handle. I'll be okay. Just need some time.

Trian came in yesterday. I told him about my accident and the mental anguish I'm feeling from that. And he told me he's pretty sure he's getting divorced. He was thinking it was possible, before. However, he was trying very hard to get his marriage back together in a way that would work for both himself and his wife. Alas, there apparently just wasn't enough common ground for them to work on and he's pretty sure it's over. And I feel terrible for him. I like Trian. A lot. Although I admit I've only seen a few facets of his personality, I've found them all quite likable. I think of him as a gentle, kind man who just doesn't put enough priority on himself.

And so I find myself a little angry and offended on his behalf that his current wife can treat him with the lack of respect and honor he deserves. While I agree with Dr. Phil that we teach others how to treat us... I also think each person needs to be responsible for their own actions and take some control over how they treat others. And so I feel the urge to smack the woman for trying to ruin a good man.

Also, I went to see the doctor yesterday for a follow up to make sure I'm okay to go back to work. I liked that doctor a lot. She was really friendly and approachable. While she seemed irritated that I was in an accident that was my fault (and you know, I kind of needed that motherly disgust she gave me) she did a very good job for me. I left there very happy and feeling like I'd found a doctor I could love. Of course, she's not my assigned doctor, but I sure liked talking to her.

I also figure it's about time I make anotherGYN appointment. Except... you know... maybe this time they can NOT scrape my cervix off....

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I'm a wreck. So's the car, right? Ha ha.

I have follow up doctor's appointment tomorrow to make sure I'm okay to work... but the ER doctor seemed to think I was fine to work today. Happily, I had the day off so I didn't have to. Not that, I think, my boss would have let me work today, anyway.

As far as I'm aware at this point no one was actually hurt in the accident. At least, not seriously. I'm not in perfect shape, but no one would know it to look at me. Mostly just sore muscles and probably a nice bruise under my hair.

Unfortunately, I was really, really, REALLY stupid and the wreck was entirely my fault. I can't even pretend otherwise to myself or others. When I try to sleep I find myself reliving my stupidity and being thankful and feeling incredibly lucky that no one was actually hurt. I think about what my life could have been if someone had died... and then forcing myself to keep in mind that no one did. What kind of financial and emotional distress I may have caused the other people I can't imagine... and don't really want to think about.

None the less, my heart aches. My body aches. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm miserable. Thoughts of killing my self seem sweet. Of course, I won't do it. But the thoughts are there, vague and ephemeral, like blissful release.

Instead, though, I'm trying to keep myself in the moment and figure a way to cope. It'll fade. Life will go back to normal. No question. For now, I can only work at taking care of myself both mentally and physically and do whatever it is I have to do to get over this... and get on with things. It's only a car accident, afterall. It happens every day... and in this case, no one died.

Oh, and DJ didn't even have a good excuse for standing me up. Well, it could have been a good excuse... except it doesn't excuse the fact that he completely ignored me and didn't bother to message or call me to let me know he wasn't coming.

Cervical Cancer

In an effort to do something to make me feel better about myself (and the traffic incident yesterday) I figure I'll do something good for us all and post the link I found on Chickpea's blog.


I'm all for stopping cervical cancer. And HPV. And for thwarting those who don't want us to have a cure.


On my way home from where I was yesterday I got into a wreck. I can't decide whether I'm glad I was driving the company car or not. I wish it'd been my Neon to be destroyed but.... it's going to end up being a lot cheaper for me to have been driving the company car. I guess I'll settle for the later....

I still haven't called my insurance company because I don't have any of the information from the accident... and basically everything I DID have about it went to my boss. So now I have to call her before I call my insurance company so I don't sound stupided calling them with "yeah, I was in an accident... with who? Oh, I don't know. Was there a police report filed? Yeah... case number? Oh... I don't know. Who was the responding officer? Umm. What's the license number? I don't know that, either...." It could go on and on....

Needless to say while I enjoyed my TDY I'm just not very happy with how it ended.....

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

So annoyed.

My hotel room is okay. Don't get me wrong. However, twice now I've come back to it and found the door opens with just a touch because the lock doesn't work properly. Housekeeping comes and goes without pulling it shut, expecting it to close on it's own. I wonder why they bothered giving me a key. Were it not for the fact that tonight's my last night, I'd request another room.

For some reason, housekeeping also took my soap and shampoo away. I'm really confused on that one. As well as taking all but one wash cloth, including the carefully folded decorative towel that was in my room when I got here. I can only assume they took it to put it in someone else's room because it wasn't dirty or used so there was really no reason to remove it....

Anyway. In preparation for my tryst with DJ I went out and bought razor (which I'd forgotten at home) and spent an extra long morning in the shower trying to make sure I was at least well groomed. While I dressed this morning it occurred to me that I hadn't taken into consideration the fact that he'd be seeing my underwear. This necessitated a quick trip to the store to buy a pair of nicer panties.

And then I waited. I'd already gone over with him that I was vaguely uncomfortable doing this because I wasn't feeling very confident. However, he insisted it would be worth his time and it was something he really wanted to do. I debated a little, not because I don't desire him, but because I really don't feel like I DESERVE anything right now. However, with his assurances I promised him that I wouldn't flake and would be awaiting him.

This evening I saw he was online and sent him a message. To which I got no reply. I called him twice but got no answer. I waited impatiently and never heard a thing from him.

And I'm pissed. Because why DO that to a person? Why be so insistent and even kind... and then just... disappear into thin air? It's not really the confidence boost I was looking for, let me tell you. In fact... I think I might nip out to the hotel bar and get myself a shot or two of something and then nip back to bed.

Or maybe I'll just go to bed.

Tryst Planned

When I left the house on Sunday I pointedly picked up some condoms in front of husband. "You know, just in case, right?" I said. He nodded his agreement and that was the end of the conversation.

I ended up turning down my date for last night. Mostly because I hardly slept at all on Sunday (though I lay in bed all night) and had to wake up early Monday. The lack of sleep did NOT serve me well over the course of my very, very boring day. So, when I got back to the hotel I made one trip to the local mall to buy a small laptop mouse, then returned to order room service, and spend the rest of the night in bed, fast asleep. I'm utterly amazed I managed to sleep as long as I did. But it was good for me.

I did go online for a bit last night and ran into DJ there. He said he was willing (apparently more than willing) to take the drive from his place to the place I'm staying. It strikes me as a ridiculous amount of driving for sex considering how much closer I actually live, but I suppose despite the distance the free hotel stay is hard to turn down.

So, assuming he remains willing to take the drive (in what I remember as being a super sweet car... poor thing having to drive such a nice car such a long way) I shall have a story to relate tonight. Hopefully a good one. Because frankly, I could use a good story. (Although I'll still need a normal amount of sleep!)

Although if I DO have a good story... it's just going to make me want more good stories. And it's been what... a year and a half since the last time I saw him? That won't work next time since I'll be cross-country.

Just struck me this might very well be the last time I see him. Weird.

Monday, June 19, 2006


I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing the guy I wrote about last night. We won't go into the hows and whys, but needless to say its just not going to happen. Which isn't to say I won't be entertaining other offers...

Last night was... well... not exactly a good night for me. I barely slept. I found myself feeling vaguely like a kid headed to Disneyland. It's not like the job I'm going to do today is necessarily going to be THAT exciting. However, I can't help but hope it will be. Even after I go to do it I'll probably have to remain mostly mute on the subject. But, yes. Not much sleep.

I actually found myself drifting between thoughts of Keith and thoughts of my job. Neither has anything to do with one another. I was merely laying in the hotel room bed thinking about what it was like with him. And how lovely it would have been to have him there with me. Thought turned to comparing him against others I've been with, of course. As I lay there I was thinking about the way most men find some magical way of boring me in the middle of sex so that I am on my back wondering if and or when we'd be getting on to doing something that would feel good to me, too. I never wondered that with Keith. There was no endless, repetitive thrusting leaving me cold. Always there was a subtle change, or something not so subtle that kept both my mind and body entirely engaged.

How can anyone else really compare?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

At the hotel

I'm having a lovely evening in my hotel room tonight. Not only do I get to work a couple of hours from my regular store... but I get to spend three nights alone doing it. I checked AFF and I've already gotten a couple of offers for play. One guy is in a hotel just a few blocks away. MY hotel is better, of course.

However, as I sat here contemplating his offer I thought... huh... or not. For some reason I'm just not feeling it. AGAIN.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel horrible about myself. And of course I didn't shave. Or bring a razor. These things are important....

Maybe I'll find the hotel gym....

Thursday, June 15, 2006


So I got a call while I was at work. My boss asking me to work at yet another store, next week. Some place a couple of hours away. I readily agreed. Fuck yes. I get to go TDY and stay in a hotel for two or three nights. Fuck yes. I think it's a Holiday Inn. I don't remember having ever stayed at a Holiday Inn. Always seems to be Hilton properties. So it'll be an interesting change.

I suppose I'll sigh heavily and crave some casual sex... and get none. I'll have to bring my vibe, or something to keep me occupied.

Anyway, that's not until Monday. I'm assuming I don't get to travel down on Sunday. Which is fine, I suppose. Although I'd kind of love to get the extra night....

This is, of course, assuming I manage to pass whatever security checks they're doing on me. I always do, really. But I always worry someone else with my name is out there fucking up and blaming it on me....

Meanwhile, I haven't seen Sam all week. Feels like longer. I hardly get to talk to him at all. It makes me sad.

Trian didn't come in at all today and I missed him. Damn him for being such a booger.

Then this guy that I've talked to online a couple of years back showed up chatting with me again. I mean, dude. That's a long-ass time. And I find myself tempted to have a date with him tomorrow. Just because I can. Of course, having written about him here I've surely doomed us to failure. It just so happens he has connections to this area AND the area I'll be moving back to at the end of the year. So if things went well... it could be an occasional... and repeatable thing. That's attractive....

Lastly, something happened at the store (likely my fault) so I had to go back there and talk to one of the local cops. He was vaguely cute. And funny as hell. And I found myself thinking "hmm... now that'd be a conquest."

Ever since a recent article in the Air Force Times mentioning some illicit sex between various people who should not have been having that sex... I'm getting quiet thrills remembering the various folks I have fucked whom I "shouldn't" have. Including, but not limited to Keith and Troy. And even the ex.

Anyway. Just all sorts of thoughts going through my head.

I wish I had someone to play with while I'm TDY.....

Oh, and I went back and read some of the archives from around January and think... god damn... that Keith... he was fucking AWESOME.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


So Trian came in today. He came in yesterday, too. He comes in a lot. He always has. It's only more recently that it started mattering to me. Maybe it was the sexual but not passionate dream I had about him. Or maybe it's just the sparkle in his eyes. But I like him more and more. And I think "hmm... maybe....." Except it's just all so gosh darned inconvenient.

Anyway, I talked to him a very little today. He's always got somewhere else to be. I'm not sure how much if it is that he really DOES have somewhere else to be and how much of it is that he doesn't want to get caught spending TOO much time talking to me. Or maybe I'm just NOT that interesting. Whatever the case, he comes and he goes and inevitably leaves me wanting more....

Mason came in, too. I was sitting out in the lobby eating my lunch and reading when he walked through. He looked at me and looked at my book. "I CAN read," I said, teasingly. He smiled and checked out what I was reading. And it turns out he's read the books I'm in the middle of reading. And it pleased me greatly that he and I have that in common. I never would have guessed. And knowing that we share that interest... well... I already had some dirty thoughts in my mind (though they were thoroughly tamped down thanks to his poor attitude) and it just brings it back up. Why, if we have THAT in common... what else....?

Yeah, this is how I think.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

I need it.

So I sat there the night before last and found myself needing to masturbate. I wanted to go to sleep. I was so tired. But I couldn't leave my place, couldn't go upstairs because I knew I HAD to cum. I could go to bed. But I knew I'd lay there staring at the clock. Or the sliver of light coming through the curtains. Or the ever-blinking light on the phone. I had to cum. And I did.

And I thought "ah, must be that time of the month."

Today we went to see a movie. Before we left I was freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and we left. Even outside in the warm afternoon I was cold. And tired. And vaguely achey. After we got to the theater I felt the mild ache of cramps. I sighed heavily and berated myself for not realizing how close I was to starting... and taking some damned Advil. After the movie we went home and I snuggled up with a heating pad and some Advil.

And I awaken horny as hell. It started during the movie. I gazed longingly at Hugh Jackman as his clothes were torn away bit by bit from his deliciously formed musculature. I clenched my Kegels hard, biting my lip trying hard not to make my physical reaction apparent to those around me.

I had a dream about Trian and Sam last night. In the dream Sam was nearby... but unreachable. I wanted him but there was nothing for me there. Trian was touching me, inadvertently. His arm was pressed against my sex, (inexplicably but innocently) and it was turning me on. I gazed at him with lust in that moment. I wake up and I know it was a dream of exactly what's going on in my life, of what could be... and what can't. I could probably enjoy Trian's touch. Be turned on by him... but without passion.

I'm tempted to try AFF again. But... I know better than to believe there's much hope there. Yes, I found Keith that way. But... after how long?

I don't know. I feel my hormones pushing me to find someone. And to fuck them with abandon.

However, in about five days I imagine this fever will be over and I'll be back to despairing.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Workin' it out.

When I go to the gym I generally spend a lot of time in the weight machine room rather than in the free weight room. And then, of course, the cardio room. At this point I'm mostly sticking with weights because I think too many hours on the elliptical is messing with my feet. Anyway, not the point.

I've become less than enthused with the preacher curl machine. It just doesn't fit me and I've been arguing that it was my own fault. However, more and more I'm reasonably sure it has nothing to do with my actions but more my shape versus the shape of the machine.

So, I hunted down Hawk and asked him if there was a preacher curl machine in the free weight room. He told me there was and I asked him shyly if he'd please show me. Which he did. He was in the middle of some leg workout (actually in another room chatting and doing not much of anything when I went looking for him) so he sat down at a nearby machine and started using it while I tried to figure out exactly how I fit on this machine. Finally I called him over and had to ask him "wait... okay... so you've seen other girls use this machine, right?" He agreed. "So... umm.... where do they put their boobs?!?" I looked away shyly at then back as he kind of rolled his eyes good naturedly and explained that the pad should be underneath. I followed his advice and sighed heavily, vaguely embarrassed to be putting them on display that way. He said nothing and went back to working out.

So, I do have a new machine that I think I might love. Other than having to put my tits on a shelf to use it.

...the girl in the picture doesn't have HER boobs on a shelf. Then again, it's a different machine....

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Shaved Peach Butt?

I have to give props to this ad for being so amusing. I was looking at the comedy central website when I saw a picture of a peach, turned just so, which resembled a butt. Beneath it was a pile of fuzz and the words "now you can shave wherever you want." I gawked for a moment and then laughed, especially after I saw that the product is made by Phillips, which is a well known and respected company. Husband didn't get it. However, after visiting the page and watching the Flash... he understood.

I found it hysterical.

Monday, June 05, 2006


I sat there staring out at the parking lot. I could see Hawk out there, talking to his girlfriend as she got ready to leave for home. He talks a lot, that Hawk. I adore listening to him, because he's a funny guy full of funny stories. Between sets on the various machines I found myself gazing at him, having nothing else of interest to gaze at outside and being unwilling to stare at my fellow gym patrons. Hawk was far enough away that I couldn't really make out much more than the fact that it was him. Not so much what else was going on.

Eventually, I was finishing my workout when he came in and took over the machine I wanted to use. I sighed heavily and sat down nearby and waited impatiently for him to finish, while he showed off for me. Pulling his shorts leg up just a bit, provocatively, until I had to clap my hands over my face and ask him what the hell is WRONG with him?

At long last he finished with the machine (no doubt I could have worked in with him but I didn't feel like being watched). So I stood up and went to take it over, adjusting it to fit me. After having done so, I was face to face with him. His eyes traveled down my body and I was suddenly painfully self concious, I'm sure I moved somehow to show my discomfort. I think I asked him "what?!?" to which he responded "can't I look at you?" "No!" I said, emphatically. He shook his head and said something about how this isn't the 1800's and he's allowed to look at a white woman or some such thing. I had to laugh at that. "Man, I almost forgot you were black," I said, snottily, "thank god you were there to remind me!"

We talked more, after that before he went off to do his cardio. I finished up and took myself home to run/walk the dogs.

I feel awful about myself. I got rid of AFF, though my profile is still "there" it's unavailable. I'm vaguely tempted to put it back but... it seems so pointless.

From the Past

I ran into Frank online the other night. And find myself more than a little shocked at my lack of malice toward him. Considering the traumatic experience I had with him a year and a half ago (see trauma part 3 in the sidebar) I was surprisingly not mad anymore. I've always maintained that he never meant to hurt me and had only tried to take the same liberties he'd been allowed before. Regardless, I've still been relatively angry at him since then. Except apparently I'm not.

On the other hand, it was around that time, anyway, that I realized that I don't think he's a good person. Like on... any level. His choices don't mesh well with my own life choices or those that I accept in a responsible adult.

Having three children by three different women I've always found to be a little ghetto. I withheld judgment on that one. Having an affair on your pregnant wife... well... that was pretty lame, too. But it was when I found out he was not just seeing me but also leading on another woman further south who didn't know he was married and didn't know about me, either... well... that went a bit far. The fact that she had a small child and he was interacting with the small child, too, was just taking things WAAAY too far.

Unsurprisingly he got found out. He was never that careful about those things so his wife found out and then his girlfriend did. And here's the amazing thing about him... he's still with his wife... and he tells me him and his girlfriend are "still in love" and still talking... behind his wife's back. Meanwhile, he was clearly trying to feel me out again to see where I was on the idea of sleeping with him.

Of course I have no interest.

But I remain utterly amazed at his life. And am very glad I'm no longer any part of it.

Another Dream

I had a kind of weird dream last night. Apparently my brain hates me just a little bit.

In my dream last night I met a guy. A guy who was not super hot... but certainly within the realm of guys I'd happily fuck. I was attracted to him. He was attracted to me. This was a great start. We went out a few times (more like stayed in at my place... no husband in this dream) and just generally got to know one another. We did not take things to a physical level.

On one of our dates we got to talking about dancing. Apparently in this dream either all dances are really easy, or I already knew some ballroom dance steps because he and I got up and started goofing around and dancing. I enjoyed following his lead and with each turn and spin I found myself drawing closer to him, more and more breathless, until finally we stopped moving and his arms came up around me and he kissed me.

This was... an incredible kiss. After the dancing, following his lead learning to respond to his subtle movements the kiss was amazing. Our lips found one another's and our mouths danced together, our bodies pressing, our hands roaming. Everything was timed perfectly to elicit maximum reaction from one another. He broke off the kiss, our breathing hard and I found myself beyond disappointed.

I reached for him but he stepped away. "Before we go any further, we need to talk," he told me. I nodded, thinking that at this point I'd rather not talk and would be fine with not taking things further than we already had. Unless he perhaps was unable to stop himself from taking things further as our kisses went on longer, our hands moving more freely. But he must have read my mind and told me he had to go. And he did.

Over the rest of the dream I learned, through chance, that he was the husband of one of my friends. I'd never known. I was quite sure at that point that I'd figured out what it was that he felt he needed to tell me. However, when the three of us got together (her still in the dark and him not knowing yet that I knew) I also discovered that he had cancer and was going through treatment for it.

I still wanted him, of course. The way he and I were together was stunning and I was unwilling to let that go, even knowing I might eventually lose him completely. Either back to his wife or to cancer. Or both.

The dream ended there, of course. But I'm still thinking about that dream man....

Thursday, June 01, 2006


There's surely a perfume out there called Crave. I would like to like it.

Meanwhile, the power went out for like... four hours or so today. As I sat in my car outside work/the gym I watched the lightening crashing all around me and wondered just exactly how I was going to get my ass inside the store to drop off the change I'd gotten... without dying. It was surprisinly relaxing lazing there, the seat laid back the rain pouring down even as the wind rocked the car gently. All thoughts turned toward getting naked.

Of course there was no reason to get naked. No one to get naked WITH.

I did see Sam today. That was super sweet. He walked in and was standing in front of me, unexpectedly. So unexpectedly that as I looked past him at something across the room I didn't actually even see him. I turned around to go back to what I was doing and had to do a double take before I realized who it was. "Ha! I so totally wasn't expecting you I didn't even SEE you," I told him.

We went about our respective business and I ended up behind the counter. I had assumed he was gone since several minutes had passed and I hadn't seen him. When "let's get it on" came on I cranked it a little. And of course he appeared. Good timing. I was amused.

I want that man with a passion that just simmers slowly beneath the surface.

My super religious coworker watched me talking to him and she gave me a look as if to say "I can tell you want him." Not in a particularly judgemental way, which surprised me. Still, I'd prefer she be none the wiser at all....