Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Jones went somewhere on vacation. He came back today and threw myself into his arms shrieking his name. Hmm. Maybe I missed him just a little. I managed to hit him in the collar bone with my chin having misjudged his height. I failed to apologize. I probably hurt myself worse than I hurt him. He didn't say anything.

Anyway. I stood near him and his hands found my side. It took me a moment before I realised he was pulling me against him. I stepped back, leaning just a little as I conversed with someone else. He's SUCH a flirt, but it's cool. I grinned.

My sense of smell is extra sensitive this time of the month. I think it's related to me being fertile as I'm about half way through my cycle. I notice smells a lot more and am more strongly affected by the scent of men around me... and Jones smelled nice. Not great enough that I wanted to hump his leg or anything but he was certainly a welcome island of yummy in an oasis of bad breath and BO today.

And then my manager found a mouse in her refrigerator and being the mouse-buddy I am, I got to clean out the fridge. Turns out the mouse had given birth and the babies didn't do so well in the cold. So, the romance was gone....

Monday, May 30, 2005

I crave

I ran into Evando the other day. I haven't mentioned him in a while because he left my place of work and is now working for a contractor in the building. I hardly ever see him since his work doesn't bring him into my area. However, I occasionally go into his.

So, I ran into him as I was making my way to one of the offices and he held his arms out to me as I walked nearby. I went to him and hugged him gratefully. While the contact was brief, I was glad to touch him. And be touched. And know that since we were no longer in the same company I was free to do so without hesitation. On the other hand, he does have a pregnant girlfriend. So. Whatever. It was only a hug.

He mentioned that he's still planning on getting his tongue pierced again. Whereas I'm in the midst of a really unpleasant time in my life (continuing to be upset over the fender bender I got into, as well as my displeasure over my job) and am considering getting it done just to help me snap out of my spiral of upset. Perhaps not the best reasons to get a piercing... but whatever. It appears to be a common one.

On an unrelated note I've been informed that Li will no longer be coming to my business. I'm so disappointed. I suspect it was his decision based on his overall attitude and desire to be coddled. I was always happy to coddle him, but since I was hardly ever there on the days he came in he wasn't getting the personal attention he desired. So another contractor has been sent and that's that. *sigh* That's okay, mooning over Li wasn't getting me anywhere anyway.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Book Tag

Got tagged. Sucking it up.

1) Total number of books I’ve owned.

Uh. If anyone can answer that question I'd be terribly impressed. I'll say in the thousands. Maybe. I read a lot but most of my youth was spent in the library.

2) The last book I bought.

Probably Prince of Darkness. It was recommended but for a trashy romance it's trying way too hard to be intellectual.

3) The Last Book I read.

Charming the Prince. Really, I don't read that many trashy romances. It's just that I read them in spurts....

4) 5 books that mean something to me.

The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon-- I think it was the first book my husband recommended to me and one of my best loved. Magic's Promise by Mercedes Lackey-- I loved it the first time I read it and it helped me out of what could have been a really dark depression the second. The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Suess-- a book my dad read to me when I was little... it's one of my few good memories of that age. Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind-- recommended by my best friend at that time, it's got the BEST rule (people are stupid). The Joy of Cooking by those people-- a present from my mother-in-law which has served me well and taught me to cook better than I thought I could... besides Hannibal Lecter owned a copy (another series I enjoyed).

5) Tag 5 people and request they fill this out on their journals: Umm. I don't care for the pressure. I invite ANY five people to note me and share theirs with me either via note or via blog.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Crazy Lady

I've become a masturbation machine. Well, maybe not. But I'm going up to once and twice a day, again. Which is far more than not at all, say, for the time my sister was here and just before.

I do so adore orgasms.

I keep thinking about really freaky, hot, violent sex. Nothing scary. Just really rough, wild stuff.

You know, the stuff I'm not getting.

Saturday, May 21, 2005


It's amazing the change I feel, having a third body in the house. I love my sister, don't get me wrong. But having her around has cemented in me the idea that my husband is really pretty fucking awesome. Except here and there. After a long drive to and from the coast earlier this week, I found myself wanting nothing more than to laze in bed and GET THE FUCK AWAY from that woman. But I missed Husband. So I called him to come lay with me for a while. Feeling him nearby I finally said, "you know, one of the cool things about being with you is that it's better than being alone. I feel recharged when we're together, more than when I'm all alone." He was quiet a moment and said "thank you" or something like that. And after a moment said "I like being with you, too. Although I really do like being alone."

Ah, love.

I felt like I ought to be hurt by that. But in truth, there are times I ache for him to go away too. Like when I wake up wanting to make slow sweet love... or just be fucked... and knowing that he simply can't provide that.

I found myself irrestistably drawn to him this week. I don't care for facial hair but he's grown out a short beard during this last week and I find it annoying to kiss... and yet incredibly sexy... because it's HIM... just... different. I pressed myself against him, letting my fingers trace down his body, kissing him with my mouth barely open, inviting him into something deeper... sexier..... And was denied.

I hunger for a man who finds me so irresistable. Not all the time, but at least sometimes. Someone who recognises the need in me and can fulfill it. At least temporarily.

I adore my husband. But I need sex, too.

I just wish I could be pleased with the IDEA of someone else (other than, say, the impossible Li).

Thursday, May 19, 2005


I had a dream the other night that I found someone's collection of porn. I think I was in their house and I came across a pile of magazines, books, and DVDs. As I was flipping through the pages I found myself incredibly excited. I had to masturbate.

And when I woke up I was thinking about the fact that discovering someone else's stash of porn is far superior to rediscovering my own. There's something inexplicably erotic about touching magazines and books that another person has used for their own sexual pleasure... and using them for my own, too.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Wouldn't you know.

My sister's here. We were talking as I brushed my teeth.

I hit my lingual frenum with my toothbrush. You know. That web of skin that connects the waggy part of the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. I tore it. Just a bit. Just maybe a quarter of an inch (or possibly even less). I think a quarter of an inch or possibly even less is plenty.

Needless to say I won't be doing anything even remotely interesting with my mouth until this heals. Not that I really thought I would, but I figured I'd at least manage a kiss or two with hubby. Now that's pretty much out.

Great beginning to the week, I think....

Monday, May 09, 2005

You know.

It's like I'm not even TRYING anymore.

I'm frustrated with a lot of things. Not you, I promise.

Not sure what to do.

However, I have family coming in next week. That ought to be nice.

Obviously, no sex THAT week....

Thursday, May 05, 2005


I flirted with Jones pretty hard this afternoon. But only after teasing him and telling him I was more into his brother.

Then I invited him into the ladies bathroom but he didn't hardly follow me at all. Didn't take me seriously. Gee, wonder why not?

I mighta been a little freaked out by that. But maybe not. It might have helped with the stress of the evening. Or not.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

For the record.

It's not that I don't (or haven't) had primarily sexual relationships. Take for instance DJ. Granted I only had sex with him once (so far) but I don't think you could classify us as friends (although I don't doubt we could be... although he's way cooler than me). Or EB who's also way cooler than me (with a way cooler job, I might add). I adore them both and yet... while I COULD probably be great friends with them I opt to keep it on a sexual level (although fuck, since I haven't done either lately I'm not sure I should use them as examples). However, it was definately their personalities that drew me to them in the first place. Yes, I wanted to fuck them and they wanted to fuck me... but I at least knew they were the kind of people I could have FUN with. If I can't have fun and communicate with you comfortably out of bed... I certainly don't see a future for us IN bed.

Thus, the guy who wrote me the snotty e-mail affirmed for me that he didn't have the same take on what sex should be about. I've tried the solely animalistic side of sex... and yes it has a place... but not a very big one in my life. I tend to continue to seek something just a little more connected than just that.

Li said he couldn't have sex with someone he didn't have a connection with and I rolled my eyes and thought "oh, I could!" but of course... that's not the way I live my life. I'm most attracted to men I do feel some sort of friendliness toward. Something MORE than just physical chemistry.

I don't begrudge anyone else their nearly anonymous casual sex (and there are indeed times I have my own desires for the same) but mostly when I fantasize about sleeping with people it's not "just for sex."

I was fantasizing about being in bed with Li this morning. Given his desire for connection I could imagine hours of foreplay... during play... post play. I could envision laying on the bed, spooning, him inside me while his tongue traced lines along my ear and my neck, fingers teasing up and down my body. Slow, languid motion building my desire to long forgotten heights... feeling his hands clutch me close... breathing in my ear... "you feel so good" whispered sweetly... my hands reaching back to pull him closer, in tighter, the other hand guiding his fingers... down... showing him exactly the touch I need... feeling his own need growing...

It's enough to make me quiver just to think about it.

Yes, sometimes I desire sex with a near stranger in a dark corner... but not with just anyone. Only with someone who's caught my attention by more than just looks... by more than their physical desire for me. Something where my mind is captivated....

I'll have sex with someone again. I'm sure. But it won't be with someone who just wants to fuck. It'll be with a sensualist who actually understands that sex between us isn't JUST fucking. It's so much more fun than that....

I mean... you know... unless I just want to fuck. Heh heh.


I'm one of those people who likes to think. I think a lot about things. I practically live inside my head.

I got an e-mail from some guy. I'd mentioned something about his online name, trying to be funny. And he sent me back an e-mail saying about how he "just wanted to fuck" me and I could lose the attitude.

When I get these sorts of responses I can't help but shake my head. It's one of my "weeding" processes. And one of the reasons I don't go out and get laid all the time. I'm picky. What kind of attitude is that toward someone you want to sleep with? If you're so clueless as to know when I'm teasing how clueless will you be when it comes to knowing whether I'm anywhere near cumming? You know?

I just become irritated with the attitude that is displayed by men toward women they "want to fuck." Apparently I'm not allowed to have a brain, a sense of humor... anything. I'm supposed to be there for fucking and then move along. Which is SO not what I'm about.