Sunday, December 31, 2006

The laptop.

So last night my husband came to bed looking pensive. I didn't think much of it, I was tired and more than ready to get some sleep. "Umm... have you had a problem with the laptop turning off for no reason?" "No," I told him, ready to turn off the light. "Umm. I wasn't looking at porn or anything but the laptop turned off and it won't come back on." Which only made me laugh. You'd think I'd be upset. The laptop's broken? Great. But no, all I can think is "you weren't looking at porn"? I shook my head at him, "it's probably because you were looking at porn" I got up to go look at the laptop and punch futilely at the power button. "I wasn't looking at porn," he swore. "Right, other than the porn," I replied. "I wasn't looking at porn!" he repeated, adding "I was THINKING about looking at porn, but I wasn't, yet." "You know," I mused, "I believe the computer knew you were going to look at porn and it died inside."

Friday, December 29, 2006

Good times.

So I masturbated (unexpectedly!) to some porn tonight. I came across it (so to speak) accidentally and found myself turned on enough to masturbate myself to orgasm within about... two minutes.

First off, what is it about me fucking men that makes 2 minutes suddenly take 20 or an hour? Gah. It's very frustrating. If I could come in 2 minutes with a lover, I could come at least twice. Plenty of time for clitoral rest in between orgasms....

Anyway, I'm pretty much using lube and a finger and skipping an internal device. No vibrator, no dildo, nothing. Which is rather a bit unlike me. However, I've discovered that really my vibe is just inconvenient. It's just that much too long for me to comfortably position myself so that it's hands-free. Furthermore, my "splurge" purchase a while back, while occasionally okay... just doesn't fit me as well as I'd like so it's almost painful to use. Lastly, my barbell is just not girthy enough to provide the sensation I crave. Unfortunately, I simply can't afford to add to my small collection right now. Which is really a shame.

So the good news about it is that after two months of not having anything inside me was pretty fucking awesome, the last time. And I'm considering putting myself off that way again. Maybe the next thing inside me will be a lovely cock and I can enjoy the sensation of being penetrated for the first time in a long while... and having it be by something with the proper dimensions.

If only I could do that two minute orgasm with the hypothetical guy....

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The fact is...

I switched to the beta (although of course now they say they're out of beta) and I fucking loathe it. Okay, okay.. it's not so much the new blogger that I loathe so much as I get frustrated everytime I type out a comment on other peoples blogs only to discover I have to sign on using my google account. Except when I do that my entire comment (usually long... I'm wordy) disappears. So I close the browser and leave the computer. Yeah, it pisses me off. Just a little. My frustration with that bleeds over to my feelings about the blog. Avoidance is the better part of me not breaking the mother fucking computer over this. Or something.

My schedule is all fucked up (I'm slowly working on righting it... but waking up at 3:30 in the morning wasn't in the plan). I STILL don't have a job and I'm getting super pissed. I cannot begin to understand why I haven't been hired even at the entry level positions I've put in for. Entry level in retail, which I've been doing for 10 god damned years. Ridiculous. I get passed over for the higher positions, too. What. The. Fuck?!? It's not rocket surgery, for christ sake. I'm starting to worry that it has something to do with my background check. Except it shouldn't. There's NOTHING negative there. So, anyway, I'm guessing I'm going to have to give in and put in for unemployment which I don't feel really good about. But whatever, that's what it's there for, I suppose.

So, my life is filled with frustration. My orgasms are few and far between (like three whole days can go by!) and my sex life is nothing. Which isn't really a problem for me right now. Despite being jobless I feel like I don't have any TIME (thanks to my fucked up sleep schedule) and frankly, I don't feel like wading through scores of assholes looking for a decent guy to fuck. Searching for a sex partner I think of as worthy is not an easy thing for me as I go through whole weeks and months contacted solely by men who are clearly "special needs" when it comes to women. No thanks. It depresses me. I happen to KNOW there are many great, fuckable men out there. But not all that many of them are local, online, and into me.

Despite all the frustration, I'm somewhat less depressed than I was. For now. Getting a job... and hopefully it being a job I don't hate... will go a long, long way to putting me back on an even keel. And make me my blog a LOT more interesting....

Sunday, December 17, 2006


Turns out even though I left my piercing out for over 12 hours yesterday I was still able to get the stud back in (when I found it) with very minimal discomfort. It didn't even hurt. Oh, thank goodness. I took it out when I went to my job interview and when I came home and put it back in it was only slightly more uncomfortable. However, when I asked someone who deals with the public at that particular location to point me toward the person I was supposed to interview with... I saw that she has a labret. I figure if she's allowed to wear a very obvious metal labret I might be allowed to keep my tongue as it is. Score. I didn't ask, though. I wasn't really sure how to approach that question, yet.

Husband and I were in the car today and I whined to him about the fact that I miss so many of the men I used to talk to at the old store. Specifically, Sam. Husband asked me if I'd tried adultfriendfinder around here. Uh no, not really. The whole point is that I miss the pleasure of having a crush, a crush on a nice man who'd entertain my crush.. without... you know... ruining it with toooo much reality. It was okay that he didn't want me, too. I mean... maybe reality would have been as good as the fantasy... but unlikely. My fantasy of him was pretty amazing.....

So yeah, no men around like that for me right now... and it's SOOOO disappointing. You men of the world are going to have to do WAY better than that.

Note to Keith: dude. I emailed you. Again. There's a perfectly useable email address on the address bar of this web page if you've actually forgotten my address. Not to mention you should be able to leave me an offline message on yahoo!


I suppose technically my blogger photo is a lie these days. I took out my tongue piercing this morning. I've been thinking about trying to put it back in just to see if I still can almost 12 hours later... but I can't find the damned stud. So... so much for that. I can't help but suspect it's part of the reason I'm still not having a job. So that's the lie. The photo. At least, now it is. *sigh*

I'm having a shitty, shitty life these days. I'm bitter and angry at my husband for making me come here instead of us continuing our lives the way they were. It suited me fine. Although I know he was miserable. But now I am miserable. This is not better.

I'm also really angry because I popped another tire today. And I couldn't just pop the fucker, I have to pop the side wall. This is the second tire sidewall I've popped since moving here. I've never, ever had a popped tire before. I'm grateful that the last time it happened I wasn't alone so I was able to learn how to change the tire and this particular problem set me back all of 15 minutes... but I busted my knuckle on the pavement... and of course I have to replace the mother fucking tire. Because NOTHING IN MY LIFE can be free. Or cost anything less than the price of full replacement, while I have no job. I'm so fucking pissed. The only thing that keeps me from being aggressively angry is that it's not the SAME tire. So eventually I'll buy a new set... tire by tire. I guess this means I have two more months until I replace another....

Also, I have an interview tomorrow at a place I have absolutely no desire to work doing something I have absolutely no desire to do in an area I have absolutely no desire to be. Great! Sign me up. It's funny how these jobs I couldn't give two shits about, I always come across great. The ones I really, really want... not so much. So of course, I'll go in calm and collected and give them whatever answers they want to hear and they'll probably hire me and I'll want to kill myself for the next several months. Or maybe they'll inexplicably NOT hire me and I'll continue to want to kill myself anyway.

I hate my life. I think I'm going to get drunk.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

So tired...

Happily, we should be getting all of our household goods tomorrow. I'm so excited to have something other than the floor or a very uncomfortable stool to sit on again. And a bed. A real live bed. And dildos. Oh, it'll feel good to be filled up again.

I only kept my Betty's Barbell dildo because I figured it would be the least recognizable as a sex toy if anyone should happen across it. And of course because I accidentally left it out of my super-secret "sex toy" box the movers packed. A couple of days ago was the first time I used it since before we moved. Having something inside me again was... intense. Fucking awesome, really. I can't believe it'd been somewhere around 2 months since I'd experienced being fucked, even by an inanimate object. Needless to say I'm looking forward to hunting down my nice thick silicon dildos so my pussy has something to squeeze hard with it's orgasm.

Meanwhile, it's 6:30 in the morning and I've slept all of two hours. The movers should be here in about 5 hours... yeah... this isn't a good thing. Me being awake right now. However, it turns out we live right on the flight path of the local international airport as well as next to a big hill on a major arterial for the area, which hosts a surprising number of semi-tractor-trailer-jobbies. You know, the ones with the Jake brakes. Oh, and cars that don't have mufflers. And homies who don't have much left in the way of hearing. I can't believe how much I miss the military base.

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I switched to the new blogger. But ugh. I can't bring myself to do anything with it. I should, though. Really....

Meanwhile, I dropped Husband off at work and drove home thinking about The Ex. Actually, I drove home thinking about his kisses. Early in our "relationship" we spent a lot of time kissing. He was a really sexy, sensual guy who understood the value of long kisses and teasing foreplay. Kissing him once meant sex was on its way because I couldn't stop kissing him until he was inside me. His lips made me ache. I commented to him once that he and I shouldn't ever kiss unless we were planning on having sex because it was just too damned hard to stop. And we pretty much stuck to that one.

One night, a few days after he had told me was going to be monogamous with some new girl he kissed me a few times. On the cheek, mostly. But it was enough to raise the hairs on my neck, he turned me on so much. Those kisses were quick, perfunctory and very, very teasing. I told him to stop. We were supposed to be friends, nothing more. Eventually his mouth found mine and I started to respond... then stopped myself, "are you sure?" I asked. He smiled and said the thing with the other girl was over and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Turns out, he was breaking my heart in half. I still wonder if he knew it. But oh, his lips. That night... so many nights....

So tonight as I drove home I drifted back to my memories of his lips. And I found myself wondering if someday, these memories of great lovers will be my best company. Just memories....

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Life is making me crazy. I cry all the time right now. I keep telling myself to focus on the positive and the future and stop dwelling on the present and on the crap going on... but it's awfully hard. Being out of work SUCKS. I lay down at night in this sick, numb state and everytime I try to relax enough to sleep I start crying. It's not good. It'll get better. It will....

I miss Martin. Now more than ever I wish I could sit down and talk to him and have him help me not be so scared. I look up to him in some ways. I could call but it's just not the same.

I miss Keith, too. Although I admit to myself my relationship with him has always been kind of weird. I mean, it was passionate and it had some real potential... but at the same time we delighted in admitting to one another that it'd never work out in the real world. But the sex... and the potential of the sex....

Saturday, December 02, 2006


Last night husband and I started touching one another, getting a little frisky. Finally I turned on some really cheap, really bad porn. He took off his glasses and prepared to go to sleep. So I turned off that movie and found something a little more interesting. Watching these two people have sex I sat at the foot of the bed and masturbated while husband pretended to sleep, or whatever it was he was doing. I came silently, holding my breath, trying for complete stillness. After I came I watched the movie for a few more seconds and lay back on the bed, completely spent. I clicked off the tv and basked for a while. I mentioned to husband how pleasurable a good orgasm can be and he asked "you came?! You're subtle." Yeah, well, that was the goal. He didn't want to help out, he didn't get to enjoy it. End of story.

However, a few minutes later husband decided to masturbate and I helped him. Because I'm like that. I love orgasms. What can I say?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

For the record...

First off, there's really no chance of me falling in love (or even lust) with the guy I used to date (who's now seeing my sister). In fact, I have no idea why she even wants to be with him. But whatever, I'm trying to be positive about it. However, this morning when I spent some time with them I found myself calling him out for being passive aggressive toward her. While I'm not perfect, it was blatant and it was manipulative and I couldn't just let it go. I rather fear I'm going to have to watch my reactions around that because their relationship is not my deal and I don't want to step into the middle of it. On the other hand, watching someone treat my sister poorly is difficult, at best, to tolerate. So, yeah. There's that.

Meanwhile, since I masturbated this morning I'm getting all hot to get another guy into bed with me. Obviously not just any guy... but not a specific guy, either. Fantasies return to Keith and of course Sam. Damn. Sam's in Iraq right now. And all I can think is that he's probably pretty hard up for sex right now. Not that I want a man on those terms but in his case I also wouldn't refuse him. Like, EVER.

I watched some show where two near strangers were engaged in passionate foreplay and it made me horny. I was waiting in my car for my sister to get off work and I found myself eyeballing every guy who walked by. Unfortunately, being local college boys I found myself utterly turned off by them. Which was disappointing. My sister caught me looking at one guy who actually held no interest for me, I was just trying to decide if I'd do him. I'm sure she thought I was thinking about fucking him, which technically I was, I suppose. I almost felt the need to explain myself but decided it mattered not at all.

I'm troubled, though, because my tastes absolutely run toward the hot military-types and being 0n the left coast that's NOT what I'm finding myself seeing. Hopefully my tastes will, once again, change to reflect what is around me... but for now... I'm so turned off by the locals. *sigh*

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


They're trying to make me switch to the new blogger. I suppose I should. Just not today.

I came this morning. I was bitter and angry and husband went to take a shower before me, though I'd been planning on the first shower. So I lay back down and thought "hmm... why not?" and proceeded to masturbate to an above average orgasm. And a muuuuuuch better mood. Holy shit, I'm in a better mood, really. I'd totally kiss all you guys right now if I could I'm so in love with the world. Right now that is...

I was thinking maybe I should start working in a hardware store. My first lover was a construction worker. And I like the odds. Or maybe I'll get a real job.

I really wanted to start going to school next month but it turns out in this state, in order not to have to pay an extra $5000, I have to live here for a year in order to be a resident. Ridiculousness. I'm punished for being a former military wife. I'm a bitter, angry woman. I'll get over it, but my dissappointment is palpable. We just can't afford that.

Oh, and our household goods (bed, couch, EVERYTHING) might get here in time for Christmas. That's way too long....

Sunday, November 26, 2006


No job. Makes it really, really hard to feel good about anything at all. It's upsetting. Depressing. Annoying as hell. I got really upset the other day. I'd planned to spend a nice evening drinking. But I still have responsibilities so I put my evening of drunkeness taking care of those. Last night, though....

I drank probably about a bottle of wine last night and proceeded to get really, really friendly with husband. By the end of it, I sucked his cock, eventually making him cum. Up my nose. He caught me off guard. It was funny. Needless to say he was in a very good mood. And I was drunk.

And then I got my period. Which explains the emotional mess I've been as well as my willingness to please. I, unfortunately, shot myself in the foot on that one, though, because as drunk as I was I played with my clit and told husband "wow, I can barely feel it. That sucks..." So still... no orgasm.

And no job. But I said that.

I miss all my boys from my last job. And silent Keith.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


I went downtown today. Whilst wandering around looking for a particular job interview (for a job I *really* fucking want) I ended up in the wrong building. I met up with a guy in the parking garage elevator who was very gentlemanly. We both went to the next set of elevators and I ended up realizing I was utterly lost. I sighed and when he asked what floor I said something like "I guess I'm going with you guys." I got off at the first floor the elevator stopped on and went back down. But boy was that guy hot. And gentlemanly. It doesn't take much for me these days. A nice suit, a nice attitude... I'll fuck you....

I haven't cum since before we left the other coast.


Friday, November 10, 2006

Look who's still alive!

It took forever, but I finally got my internet back. We don't have jobs, the husband or myself. I'm tossing out applications and resumes like they're candy in the hopes that something sweet will come back to me. I haven't been searching for sex, alas. Who has time? Who can make the effort? Not I, alas. At least not right now. Hopefully no more than a few months....

But I should be around more to write.

I think I once mentioned my sister has been friends with my exboyfriend for years (after all she knew him before I did). In fact they've dated off and on that entire time. He's living (read sleeping) with her these days. I've seen in him EVERY SINGLE DAY since we got here. That's really, really weird. Alls I can say is she's insane for being with him and the very same things that made me drop him like a bad habit continue to annoy me about him. But my husband seems to think he's mostly okay. Except the same things that irritate me about my exboyfriend are the same things that irritate my husband about the guy. Which is kind of funny.

Oh, and no, this isn't "the ex" that broke my heart. I don't think anyone's heart got broken in the ending of THAT relationship.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Missing Him...

Pennsylvania, here we are. Yippee. I swear we drove as slowly as possible today, thanks to some unexplained traffic around fRedneck....

The last couple of days around the house were eventful, to be sure. No time to type and we kept having to make a choice between internet and TV because of the terrible quality of our cable signal and the fact that we'd already shipped the thingie that increases the signal strength. Needless to say... no time for blogging. Just as I suspected. Happily, Days Inn has dog friendly rooms and free high speed internet, so I'm okay again. At least for tonight.

So on to other things...

For some reason the other night husband was complaining that he was horny as hell and in no position to get off. No porn. Nothing. And I literally had a headache. So I helped him out by massaging the grapes. As SNL says. After he came, we both went to sleep. The next night I flipped on some HBO Real Sex On Demand show and watched for a while. Mostly, I find HBO's sex shows anything but erotic. However, in this case I was watching Lou Paget showing women various ways to give hand jobs and took it upon myself to fondle husband in similar ways. It wasn't too long until Husband came.

I went to sleep a while afterward and ended up having a really emotional and sexual dream about Keith. I'm depressed that I didn't get to see him again before I left. I didn't proactively seek him again... which make it my own damned fault. But god damn. The dream was HOT. And I woke up longing for him, again. As I leave Maryland I find myself thinking a lot about the people I'll never see again and hoping he's not one of them....

Friday, October 20, 2006

Preperation for the move.

Today's my last day at work around here. I'm a little heartbroken. Yesterday, my boss told me one of my coworkers is out sick for a couple of days and she was going to have to change the schedule. I'm not allowed to close alone on my last day and there simply weren't enough people to give me a chaperone which leaves me opening. Opening the store I don't fucking WANT to be at. I stared at my boss as she informed me this and I swear to god I started welling up. I'm not particularly ashamed of the fact that I cried a little right then, because I really do have an emotional investment in that store and it's a hard, hard thing for me to leave it. But it's not like I have a choice. Anyway, the very idea of leaving and not even getting to say goodbye hurt me. She told me that I could work half a day at the one store and then spend the end of my day at the other and I freakin' cried anyway. Gah. What'm I going to be like today?!?

This weekend is going to be a busy weekend from hell. Tonight through Monday morning we'll be cleaning and organizing stuff to be packed out at which point, Monday and Tuesday we'll actually be doing the official packing and moving part. Saturday night we have our final, unofficial going away at the local bar, too. Wednesday and Thursday will be spent running around the house cleaning and trying to get our asses ready for the drive cross country. We're down to our last 7 days and I'm sooooooo not ready.

What does this mean to you? Well, in your daily life, nothing, I think. But chances are I MAY post again this weekend and then after that... well... it could be weeks. No telling. I do have my laptop which will be going on the trip with us so if anything good happens I'll surely make sure to share the story. However, I'm not really sure that's a danger, for a while....

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I've become frustrated with my fellow bloggers and their lack of posts. I mean, hello? I'm looking for something to read here! And then I realized that it's been something like a week since I made my last post. Oh. Umm. But that's different....

Needless to say I need to update my sidebar.

This week is my last week of work and then next week we gather ourselves up and head out. My god, my god.... Things still aren't done and there's really no doubt we're going to be rushing around like crazy people next week. It's okay. I'm somewhat mentally prepared.

Today is, however, husband's last day dressing up to play military man for work. I giggled at that and said "yeah, except when we decide to play soldier and peasant." "Peasant?" he repeated sounding amused and confused. "Yeah," I said. That was the end of that conversation. Anyway, he called me to let me know he was mostly out of the military as of like... right now. A month from now he'll be a full blown civilian (and veteran, of course).

I have no new prospects for sex. I haven't heard a peep out of any ANY of the guys I was either sleeping with recently or had the potential to sleep with. I guess it makes leaving much easier in that way.

I may see Martin for the last time on Saturday. In a group setting. Probably not with his girlfriend. That's going to be hard. Because as much as I was irritated with him and somewhat disappointed at times, he matters to me and he's been a very pleasant thought since our time together. I've been happy to know that at least he's nearby, if unavailable. Now that ends and I'm saddened.

Keith had hoped to be here by the time I left. But even with having pushed back my departure almost a full two weeks, I haven't heard from him. Now, I haven't written to him, either. And I should. Just so I can know wha happened to that particular fantasy....

So yeah, things are crazy and disorganized. And won't be getting any better any time soon. But we'll be okay. I hope!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

That's Fate For You

Curt came in today. I watched him walk in and set down his stuff, whatever it was, out in the lobby. I was standing in front of the door, sort of. Lacking the protection of the counter I had a moment of panic. I'm not used to being out in the open that way. Kind of amusing. He walked up to me and I gazed at him, "hi stranger," I said. He smiled as he approached. He said something, but it was lost in my nervousness as he got closer. And patted my ass as he passed. I sputtered, laughing, "I can't... I don't... you're SO LUCKY," making no sense at all. He laughed as he continued toward the back of the store. He wasn't the only one in the store at the time. I could tell he was trying to wait until he was... but there were just too many customers coming and going. I treated him normally, irritated at his lack of contact. Thinking how fucking brilliant it is that he appears again the first day of my period.


Oh, and we still don't know where we're going to live. I do so love suspense....

Picking Up

Sam came into the store yesterday. He stands out more than ever to me because he's wearing a desert uniform. Not very many people around here are (although more than used to) so if I even catch a glimpse of his uniform I'm reasonably sure it's him. And fuck does that color scheme suit him. So he ducked in and my back was to him, but I turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of his uniform. After a second he stepped back from behind the object that was blocking the view and smiled and said "hi," I smiled back and asked "did you think I didn't see you come in? I knew it was you." I suppose I could have just said "I want to fuck your brains out" and meant the same thing... but you know how I am.

I ended up having a dream about him last night, although it wasn't nearly as interesting as I could hope. In the dream after he came and left someone mentioned that he'd broken up with his girlfriend which suddenly made his playfulness toward me make more sense. That was all, unfortunately.

There's also this really hot officer that comes into the store on a regular basis. I'd say at least as regularly as Sam used to. My super religious coworker actually started flirting with him first. I'd never dared because he's an officer AND he's hot. One or the other I can deal with but BOTH? Hardly. But she started flirting with him first and since then I've felt pretty free to talk to him. It's funny, though, because when he's around she gets super giggly. Even when he's not funny. I, at least, manage to avoid THAT because it's just annoying to me when others do it. At least, I TRY to avoid that.

Anyway, the other day he came in while my back was turned toward the door and slammed his hand down on the counter and kept walking. I'm SO used to that kind of interaction with people that I didn't even turn around. However, this means he notices me. And wants me to notice him. Such potential, there. And no time to really explore it. Not that I probably would, anyway. He's an officer. A higher ranking officer, at that. And he's hot.

I also turned my AFF profile back on and set it to the geographical region I'm heading to. I figure it generally takes me a while to warm up to most of the guys who frequent AFF (most of them aren't worth the effort it takes to read their one sentence emails) so I might as well start now. Because... who knows?

Sunday, October 08, 2006


I'm pretty sure I won't get laid again before we head out for our cross country trip. I've been cold and vaguely craving red meat. A glance at the calendar tells me that time of the month is on its way and I don't have too long to wait. The fact that I couldn't sleep tonight for want of an orgasm suggests I'm probably going to see it tomorrow.

We did a bit more apartment hunting today. Unfortunately, the places that looked most promising are closed on... yeah... Sunday AND Monday. What the fuck are the chances of that? Still, I'm feeling vaguely overwhelmed and like nothing has gotten done this weekend. Great.

There are worse places to be, however.

I'm not nearly as miserable as I sound. I'm SURE it's going to only get more stressful for a while. Another month or so. But after that... things should settle down and life will become "normal" in it's new way.

If I start thinking about it all too much I start freaking out. A step at a time, I say.

A night of unbridled passion (as they say) would really help with the stress level though, let me tell ya....

Saturday, October 07, 2006


The long silence comes from me retreating into myself a bit. Trying not to think. When I think about the upcoming move I literally feel my throat start to swell and tighten. I considered it for a while and discovered it's actually completely stress related. In fact, thinking about it... and thinking about what's caused it is causing my throat to tighten up again. Oh joy. Thus the reason I've been avoiding writing. About ANYTHING.

I haven't heard from Curt. I won't venture any further guesses as to what that's about. Time's too short to worry.

I'm still talking to Trian. I'm going to be sorry to end that friendship... but that's what distance does.

I don't know what's going on with Keith. He's supposed to be coming to live around here... but as the time grows closer he's grown more distant. How appropriate.

I'm really done with Whit, too. I have no interest in going to see him again. He thought he was sick with a rather unfortunate, chronic illness that was sapping his libido and energy. Turns out he's fine. Makes a girl feel good. Not. It just isn't worth it to me.

I found the best shirt ever on t-shirt hell. Well, it might not be the best ever, but it plays to my weaknesses.... Also, I really hope they don't change the link to something weird. That'd be unfortunate.

Anyway, my sex life is barren. The rest of my life is pretty much filled with stress. Great.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Future Things and an Orgasm

I ended up talking to Trian for a while today. He came in and stood around talking to me for a good 15 minutes or so. I very much enjoy talking to him. It was funny, though, because he's mentioned before that he might have to rent out the basement of his house in order to pay his mortgage in the future. It got me to thinking, once. Since then I've had the odd feeling that he was thinking I'd make a good room mate, though he's never said anything.

Today while he was talking to me he looked very thoughtful and asked me what I thought I might do if I do happen to go back home and decide that I really DON'T want to be with my husband anymore, if I'd given much thought to what I would do then. I admitted I'd given it SOME thought. He smiled and said "maybe you'd want to rent my basement...." I suppose I should make it a point to thank him for the offer, but I already told him that once I left the area I was very unlikely to return. "I have nothing really holding me here," I told him. Which is true.

Although I came home and considered Keith coming here and... well... dammit. Nothing holding me here, I said. Dammit! I refuse to think about it any further....

Not too much else going on. Plenty of stress revolving around the move. Not a lot of time spent doing much other than day dreaming about the men I can't have. Including, but not limited to Curt. In fact, who the fuck knows what's going on with that man. No call. Nothing. Maybe it was about the chase. Whatever the case, absence fails to make my heart grow fonder so much as it irritates me and makes me look elsewhere. Or in this case start looking forward to getting back home and to a new crop of men there....

Lastly, I downloaded a few more of Violet Blue's older podcasts. I listened to them on my ipod while I was getting the store ready to be opened. One of them was a semi-dirty story. Which left me wet and wanting. Just in time to open the store. It made me smile a little, secretly. After I got home I found another of the stories and went upstairs to masturbate. I remain utterly shocked and amazed at how fucking amazing my orgasms are from listening to the stories. I cried out loud, in near shock, biting down on my pillow as the orgasm crashed over me. It was that good. Seriously. Stunning.

Saturday, September 30, 2006


I keep checking my cell in the hopes that Curt will call. It's really galling that he hasn't, yet. No missed calls on the phone. Nothing.

I spent part of the afternoon fantasizing about what exactly it'd be like to sleep with him. And, as I lay there it occured to me if I were really, really honest... I'm still just thinking about Keith.

Friday, September 29, 2006


So there's this kinda cute young guy who (used) to come into the store on a regular basis. Supposedly today is his last day. Which works out well since my last day is so close. He's a nice kid and I've often wondered about the possibilities. In a sort of "let me pervert you" way. In so far as I'm even perverse. Ahem. Anyway.

So we were talking today and somehow the conversation turned to sex. I believe I said something like "that's like saying sex and masturbation are the same." "Well, they are," he replied, "sex with yourself." I shook my head and laughed vaguely before saying "it's not really, though" and he replied "sure, all those kinds of sex, oral, anal... whatever... it's all the same really." I wanted to open my mouth to say more but another customer came up and the boy had to go. So much for him. But really, all I could think of was that early scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin when we find out our hero has never had sex. Dude. Just like bags of sand....

Wade came in and I talked to him for a while. I really like him as a person. I'm still just not convinced I could fuck him. Anyway, I talked to him about my "moral" issue having to do with sex with the married man. We went back and forth about it for a while about whether I hold any responsibility in making it possible for Curt to have another extramartial affair. Wade absolutely thinks that's not my issue, my business, or within my ability to control Curt and I should just do what I want to do. I argued that in knowing that he's married I do have certain amount of moral responsibility.

However, I also ended up asking both Wade and Husband about hookers. Both of them and myself seem to believe paid sex is perfectly fine. However, I pointed out that many professionals are dealing with married men. Therefore, if having sex with a married man is morally wrong for, say, me how could it be any less morally wrong for them? Husband suggests it has something to do with emotional attachment. However, I do believe men can (and do) become (inappropriately) emotionally attached to their service providers and that in the case of Curt and I there wouldn't be any real danger of the two of us becoming attached since I obviously already know Curt's a liar AND I'm moving cross country in less than month. And if it's okay for a whore... why not for me?

The funny thing about this particular conversation is that it actively compares me to a whore. And that doesn't bother me a bit. In a way I suppose that opens me up to ridicule. It's just too bad I don't think of it as an insult so much as a career choice...

Meanwhile, Wade now knows the deal with husband an I in the most superficial of ways. I told him, basically, "I fuck who I want." However, earlier in the conversation Wade said something like "hey, I'm just playing with you," telling me that supposedly he never meant his come ons. However, later he said something about how my talking about having sex was making him "uncomfortable" as if to suggest he was getting hard. So, whatever. I think he was just trying to cover his ass when he thought I was going to blast him for all the things he's said.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I spent much of the day with an eye out for any of the boys I like to flirt with. No one really came to visit (well, except Wade and that was short and sweet). No sign of Trian. Or Sam. Or any of the others. I was really disappointed but I was also really fucking busy so it all worked out. However, I kept an eye out for Curt. But he never showed. He’s also not called yet. I imagine he’s going to try to do the prescribed "three day" wait thing. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows?

I’m still trying to figure out what, exactly, to do about Curt. On one hand I really don’t give a shit that he’s married. I’m only annoyed that it makes him less readily available. And it makes me think about the whole lying thing. I loathe lies and the lying liars that tell them. Cheaters are the ultimate in liars. Although the funny thing is they probably don’t think of themselves as dishonest, for the most part. Apparently they only lie about thing things that matter to the second most important person in their lives (beside themselves of course).

It’s troubling. The thing is, I don’t lust after Curt because of his honesty. It wasn’t his honesty that attracted me or keeps my mind flitting back to thoughts of him. And I’m not really sure if I should be making this kind of decision should be based on a fear of what other people think... which is really what I’m concerned about. I mean, I have a couple of different ways of looking at the situation and I’m really not sure which one to choose.

So, yeah. Like I said before. Knowing me, I’ll probably sleep with him. And I’ll probably enjoy it. And then I’ll move far, far away.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Did it.

So as I mentioned in my last post, I spent the entire day completely hyper and just having a damned good time. I flirted with EVERYONE, really. It was great, and great fun. My mood was amazing. It was a lovely, good thing. Many of those around me were bitter, angry folks. And I just didn't understand. Apparently I sucked up all the happy and they were left with the dregs of emotions. Or something.

Trian came in angry. My coworkers were bitter about one thing or another. Everyone was tired. And just generally grumpy. But I just didn't give a fuck. Well, okay, I did give a fuck but I felt the need to be the happy bunny, delivery little eggs of cheer to everyone I met. Who knows if it worked. Worked for me.

There's a guy who comes into the store a couple of times a week I've been flirting with for a while. He's cute and he's funny. What else matters, really? I once mentioned to him that I was a happy drunk and he told me he's a touchy feely drunk. I stared at him speechless and he smiled and said something like "got you thinking, didn't it?" Which he did.So today he walked up while I was trying to help a girl who had a uniform question. I tried calling my husband and one of his friends to find out the answer to her question but couldn't find out. Finally I turned to the guy and said "I think you're a man whore... do women wear the same thing as the guys?" "Yes," he said, "but what does that have to do with me being a man whore?" "I figure you've probably helped a few girls take them off," I said. He laughed and didn't reply. I apologized to the girl that she had to witness that display and she smiled "it's okay" and left.

Afterward the guy came up and said "why'd you have to cock block me like that?" I laughed and asked what he meant. "You called me a man whore and her expression just changed." I smiled, "shoot, you weren't going to come onto her anyway." "you're right," he said. Then I asked "why not? She was cute." He shrugged, "not really." I shook my head at him, "I just think you and I have different taste in women." "She wasn't that cute," he told me. "Different taste." I thought about it for a second and added "looks like we won't be having a hot threesome, then." "Plus, your husband probably wouldn't like that much." I smiled, "he'd probably be mad that I had a threesome... without him."

Curt came in, too. I saw him and immediately said "you didn't come back!" referencing the fact that he didn't come back into the store yesterday. I'd been all prepared to give him my phone number and everything. He smiled at me and said something like "but I'm here now." "Now's too late," I told him, "I was going to give you my phone number yesterday. Not now, though." He looked vaguely surprised, "really?" he asked. I nodded. "But not now?" I shook my head.

"Why were you going to give me your phone number," he asked, pointedly. I stared at him with a grin, not quite sure how to say what I've been thinking. "Did you want to invite me over?" he asked. Shook my head, "you can't come to MY house. My husband wouldn't like that." He smiled again, "did you want to get a hotel room," he asked me. I smiled "well, would we need to?" He nodded. I sighed, frowing. The implication was clear. Fuck.

I argued with him for a while about whether or not I should give him my number. I hemmed and hawed and stared into his lovely blue eyes. (fucking blue eyed men) And he said "I guess it all depends on how much you want me." I stared at him, unable to quite believe he was that forward and confident. I suppose I'd given him every reason to be at this point, but I've been turning him down for MONTHS. I gave him my number on a pack of matches I'd been fiddling with. What amused me most about it was the fact that yesterday I'd put my number on a pack of matches to pass to him and had forgetten them at home today, as he watched me fiddling with the matches he told me I should put my phone number on there for him. Like he knew.

After he disappeared the matches he looked at me for a long moment. "So, do you want to get a hotel room?" "I have to think about it," I told him, unable to bring myself to just say "yes." He continued to look at me, "the attraction between us is pretty clear." I smiled at that ironically, thinking of the blog entries I've re-read in the last few weeks detailing my lack of attraction to him. "Well," he said, "I'm good," then he laughed, "I shouldn't say I'm good." I smiled at that and said "wouldn't you HAVE to say that?" then added, "But really, I'm a difficult woman." "What do you mean?" He asked. I frowned, glancing around aware that there were other people in the store. "I'm at work! ... um... I'm just difficult," hoping maybe he'd understand that I'm not an easy girl to get off.

Whatever the case, he left not too long after that. And I was left standing there, bemused and hopeful, with wet panties wondering about the state of his arousal. The thing that I adore most is that he's someone I find I can actually carry on a conversation with... and I WANT to look him in the eyes the whole time. Which I did. I look at him and I wonder if I'm feeling the same sort of connection I felt with Keith. He seems to share some of that same shameless directness that Keith had and that I continue to try to find in myself. His directness brings out a similar quality in me which is part of what I enjoyed so much with Keith. And something I really fucking need to learn to do on my own.

Anyway, I suspect I will probably be spending at least an hour or two naked with this man rather soon. I'm also aware that there are those who're going to be pretty disappointed that I'm even considering helping a man cheat on his wife. I'm not really sure if there is a way to defend myself about this one. I've known far too many people who've been hurt by a cheater to walk into it pretending I'm guiltless... and yet I find myself drawn toward it anyway.

Well, we'll see. I'm selfish and imperfect and I want this man. But it's really hard to look into Trian's eyes and think hey, let me be a part of causing someone else that same pain I see reflected there. So who knows. As I told Curt, "I've done it before." I'm just not sure it means I should do it again, and yet....

The matches Posted by Picasa

Husband sex

I'd been drinking because I was frustrated with some of the stuff related to the move and husband drank a little, too. Early on in the evening he walked up to me sitting in front of the computer (my normal spot) and he teasingly licked my ear. My ears are probably my most sensitive spot. I moaned, arching against him so he could explore further. He finally pulled away as I gazed at him in surprise, lust surely in my eyes. "I thought you'd like that," he said and wandered off to watch tv.

Eventually, I came over to lay with him on the couch. As I was laying there he started playing with my tits idly and I relaxed into it. I could feel him getting hard where my head was in his lap and I found myself utterly surprised. He jokingly (but really seriously) suggested I could suck his cock. But really. I demand a clean cock so I declined. "I could go take a quick shower," he said. I rolled my eyes and rubbed my face against the front of his pants, teasingly.

Eventually, my show was coming on so I was going to head upstairs. He stopped me at the end of the couch and began kissing the back of my neck, his fingers climbing my body slowly, teasingly. I got goose bumps, my breath coming in gasps until he let me go, again. I probably had another 30 minutes before it came on, but I figured I might as well get ready for bed. He followed me upstairs and forced me out of my spot in bed. It wasn't long before he was pulling my pants off. He slid his cock inside me slowly, fucking me gently. I giggled and strained to make sure my show wasn't on, yet. He laughed and kept fucking me slowly.

Finally he slid off me "I guess I'll go downstairs..." just as my show came on. I thought about it for a second and flipped onto my knees, presenting my cunt to him as he stood beside the bed. It didn't take more than a few seconds for him to take the hint and slip his cock back inside. His cock is so perfect for me in that position, hitting my gspot nicely... my body surprisingly familiar with the feel of him inside me I felt myself aching toward orgasm. Even as my show came on and husband grew gradually softer. Apparently Hugh has a different effect on husband than he does on me.... I asked him "is it the show?" and he agreed, adding "it's not like I can cum anyway." Seeing as I wasn't going to suck his cock and he wasn't wearing a condom. Apparently he didn't feel like pulling out and letting me (or himself) finish the job. Whatever the case, he pulled out and I lay down to finish watching my show as husband let his fingers caress the lips of my pussy, making my clit ache. And then he stood up to leave.

"Oh. My. God." I said, "I think I might hate you." He smiled at me knowingly and said "why?" trying to sound incredulous. "You KNOW why," I told him. He smiled at me and left. I considered chasing him down. But as we all know, I'm done chasing him.

I never did cum last night. I imagine he didn't, either. But it was so fucking awesome to have my husband back inside me. To know that at least in that moment, he wanted me.

I spent the entire day today hyper, and fun, and flirtatious just in an amazing mood. I can only blame him. And it makes me smile.


So I've waited for something like a week for Curt to come back and see me again. He walked in around 1:30 while one of the vendor reps was in the store. He was talking to me. A lot. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave so I could talk to Curt who grabbed a water and brought it to me to ring up. I ignored the vendor in favor of him. "Were you just going to come in and not say anything?" I asked, pointedly. He smiled and said "I was going to say SOMETHING." "Right," I said, "I could tell by your silence." He smiled again. The vendor behind me interrupted forcing me to talk to him again. I finished the transaction with Curt and he told me "I have to go to PT." I frowned and asked far too plaintively, "will you come back?!?" "Maybe," he said as he left.

Unfortuantely, he didn't come back. At least not while I was still there. He was probably still in the gym when I got off work. I waited around in the store a while in the hopes that he'd show up but eventually forgot exactly why I was waiting so I left. Once I got outside I remembered again but by then it was too late and would have looked too pathetic for me to sit there in the hopes he'd show up. Especially if he hadn't planned to come back into the store.Maybe he'll show up some night this week.

The thing is, though, that when he came in I immediately started freaking out. My heart was pounding, adreneline... fight or flight, and I wanted to flee.

Sam came in a couple of days ago, too. I couldn't believe it. He walked in and said "hi" and it took me about a heartbeat to recognize him. "You're wearing funny colors," I told him, looking at his suddenly tan uniform. Turns out he's being sent to Iraq. We didn't have a long talk by any means. I told him I'm leaving, too. Right about the same time he is, oddly. Almost the same day. He bought his stuff and left. And I stood there in minor shock. I may never see him again but I'm still frightened by the idea of him going over there. I suspect that's where Nils is, now, too. And I believe Whit told me that's where he's going after this. Does my lust send people to Iraq?!?

I saw Whit a couple of days ago, too. I'll have to write about the sex I had with him.

And the sex I had with husband, too. I know. Can you believe it?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Take me...

I was thinking about what it is I crave from a man. Specifically, the things that I fantasize about when it comes to men. Trian and I had a conversation once about his wife and how his desire for sex was different from hers. For him it's all about love making. He likes the tenderness and gentle love making, whereas she prefers fucking. I considered that and told him he'd probably NOT like having sex with me, then because I'm a fan of fucking, too.

But I keep thinking about it and about the things I crave when it comes to sex. And really, it's NOT just about fucking. On one hand, Whit is an excellent example of straight up fucking. He loves to fuck. He aims to please, but there's nothing tender or emotional about his sex. When we're together there's no emotional bond on any level. And I find it disappointingly empty.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I've ever experienced "making love." However, I think I've experienced most of the trappings. Obviously, I had a GREAT time with Keith and the fact that he and I were so really... connected in what we did and I was not only able but desirous of looking into his pretty blue eyes while he was inside me... well.. if that's love making then I fucking crave that. On the other hand, if it's the gentle, teasing sex that so many men have tried with me (the stuff I lay there thinking "I can't feel it...") ....well... I can do without.

I was thinking about what exactly it is that I want. Keith was an excellent example of perfect sex. I don't think I could have asked for much more than what I shared with him and suspect I'll never have the pleasure again (excepting, of course, if he shows up here before I leave... but I'm really not convinced it'll be the same).

I tend to look at men and wonder if they can be the really forceful, yet tender lovers I crave. A readily (and continually memorable, to me) example would be that video of Monk with Violet Blue doing rope bondage. He was getting physical but took the time to ask "too much?" That sort of thing is super hot to me. Be rough, be demanding... but keep my needs in mind. Because I need THAT.

I loved the way Martin did that when he and I first got together. I loved the way he pushed me up against the wall but remained gentle and sensual throughout. If he could have kept up that kind of interaction with me, I would have been much more hard pressed to let him go.

So yeah. Always searching. Always fantasizing in my mind. Yeah, it lacks a certain sense of responsibility but... turns out I can fantasize and still be a fully functional adult....

Friday, September 22, 2006

Feelin' Froggy

I realized today that I have no fucking clue what the hell that term means. I asked my husband and he considered and said "I have no idea, either." Although we're both pretty sure we've heard it. I know I've heard it. A lot lately. It might have something to do with being intoxicated in some manner. But it's a very strange, very compelling phrase to me.

Anyway, I thought about a lot of stuff while I was at work today and actually had the presence of mind to write my thoughts down. There were many thoughts. Among them was an intense disappointment that none of my admirers came in today. How disappointing is that? I was really looking forward to seeing the guy who told me he wants me (I'll call him Curt). Anyway, my hopes were up the whole day, and there was no sign of him. God damn that Curt for making me want him and then just disappearing altogether for the whole fucking week.

Otherwise, I saw Hawk and I stared deep into his very, very dark eyes, trying to make out the edges of his contacts. But I couldn't. He leaned close. Close enough for me to kiss him. But I couldn't see them. He stood back up and I shook my head and told him I don't see them. He leaned close again, once again close enough that another inch or two and our lips would have touched... and I saw nothing. I wonder what he would have done if I had just up and kissed him. That would have been amusing....

I'll share the things I wrote down later.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

So many thoughts... so few typed here.

We went to the going away party for one of my husband's coworkers. Heading out to the desert (or the sandbox as so many around here call it). It kind of surprises me how many people I've known who've been sent. Anyway, as with all those who get sent, I can't help but worry. So far I haven't known of anyone who's died over there... but it is, perhaps, only a matter of time. On the other hand, I'll be leaving my many military connections behind next month so maybe I'll manage to remain untouched in that way....

I spent most of the "party" trying NOT to gaze longingly at the higher ranking guy who works with my husband. He's quite handsome and funny and friendly, too. I noticed he had no woman with him which got me to wondering just what his marital status actually was. Husband seems to think he's single. I won't try to seduce him, because that'd be morally wrong, you know. But, oh. How I want to....

I'm hoping against all hope that the guy I still haven't come up with a name for the one who told me he wanted me will show up tomorrow. And maybe he can prove it....

Anyway, I was thinking I need to learn to be more sexually aggressive in some ways. And it occurred to me that in some ways I really AM. Just not enough of them. I've gotten better at being a bit more forward when it comes to talking to men. However, my follow through is TERRIBLE.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wade came in today. I talked to him for a while. He's one of those guys who's actually really pretty freakin' into me. But I'm really not convinced he'd know what to do with me once he had me. Which is really such a shame. He seems more relaxed than he used to be, though. Somehow more at peace. Which is a nice look for him. Unfortunately, I just think he's not my type enough that it'd be a bit of a waste of time for me....

I'm still waiting for the one guy (who really needs a damned nickname) who told me that he wanted me last week to come back in again. He's never there in the mornings so unless he comes by Friday night, it'll be just another damned wasted week.

Although maybe it's for the best. Maybe that wouldn't be good sex, either....

Like A New Lover

When it comes to cumming I'm not terribly picky. Okay, okay, I know that goes against everything I've ever said. But I mean when I'm alone. I'll sit down in front of the computer and find some porn and get down to business. More often than not, I find myself a nice movie involving two men (and yes, that's honestly becoming almost exclusively the only type of porn I'm interested in) which will proceed to get me off. Sometimes I'll find a story and get off to that. So, movies and stories. If they're sexual and of SOME kind of quality... I'll cum. It's served me quite well for years.

Anyway, a few days ago I subscribed to Violet Blue's podcast. Last night as I was going to bed I got a hankering to check out some of the podcasts I've downloaded recently but never actually played. So, as I lay there getting ready to go to sleep I listened to the short Loveline podcast and then moved on to Violet's. I didn't know what to expect, other than having read an entry by Monk about her where he mentions her voice. Oh, and having watched the video of him tying her up (which was the first time I've ever watched anyone actively playing with rope... and found it fascinatingly hot).

So I lay down to listen, my smartballs firmly in place as I was working on the old Kegels while listening to the podcasts. Well. Needless to say my choice of Violet and smartballs was brilliant. As I lay there squeezing... squeezing... squeezing... I found myself listening to the erotic story she was reading and getting really pretty excited. I started idly masturbating and it wasn't long before the sensations had built up too much to be quite so idle. I strained toward orgasm and somehow, inexplicably, managed to cum right about the same time as the climax of the story.

Afterward, I listened to her finish up the podcast, talking me down from my orgasmic high. I turned off my ipod and lay in bed then contemplating what had just happened. I'd cum listening to a woman reading a bisexual (but mostly lesbian) story. Weird. I lay there afterward, feeling as if I'd just taken a new lover. The sensations of my body and the satisfaction from that orgasm was very much like that of a shared sexual experience. Not like masturbating at all.

I fell asleep sated for the first time in weeks, with a smile on my face.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Things with Trian

Trian came in and talked to me a little bit today. It was nice seeing him again. He told me a bunch of stuff going on. Including that the woman he's been seeing as a fuck-buddy type has done what he'd hoped she wouldn't do. Early on they decided to have a sexual realtionship. Apparently he's been pretty up front that they could be friends and they could have sex but it wasn't a romantic relationship. He mentioned something to her about another woman (not me) and apparently he watched her face change. Ah, jealousy. Apparently she went on to profess her feelings for him. Feelings he doesn't return even remotely. It's just too soon for that.

This is a woman I warned him about early on in our conversations. He told me he was afraid she was going to get too attached and I told him he needed to risk breaking her heart and really letting her know there was nothing there for him outside of the sex. Which he said he'd already done. At this point I want to tell him he needs to stop seeing her altogether. Because I just don't see that she's going to be able to see the difference between their fuck-buddy relationship and a romantic relationship as long as she's in and out of his bed.

Unfortunately, giving up regular, good sex is a damned hard thing to do. He's had to do a lot of hard things lately. Hopefully he'll be able to figure this one out for himself....

Meanwhile, he looked vaguely sheepish and asked me what my schedule was this week. I told him and he told me, obviously referring to the fact that I haven't been invited back to his place that "it's just been hard." I shrugged, unable to communicate my vague sense of hurt and irritation. He thinks he's different from other men... and he is... but he shares that annoying quality of just being able to completely ignore a sex partner until he needs something from them again.... I don't know if I can even express it properly here. What's in my head. But it's annoying to me in a way only men can be. None the less, I do understand he's going through a lot of drama in his life and I'm not looking to add to it. I'm not going to be around long enough for any of it to matter, really.

Anyway. So that's the latest on Trian.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Being Open....

So while I was at work this cute navy boy came into the store. Did I mention he was cute? I rang him up and sent him on his way. He started to walk away then wandered back. I was reasonably sure he had something else to say and the way he was hovering before actually engaging me in conversation made it pretty clear to me which direction this was bound to go.

"So, how did you get a job on a military base?" he asked me. A VERY clever question, if you ask me. The vast majority of the people who do my job are either wives or children of the military. A few are divorcees but generally that's limited to the older, asian women. I don't think I look like the child of a military person, so he should have probably put two and two together... but he did ask. So I mentioned my husband is in the service.

We had more of a conversation, perhaps just him trying to cover his ass and then he left. And I was left thinking about how else it could have gone. And how I could have made it head into a more acceptable direction.

The biggest problem with being in a open marriage for me is finding and actually engaging worthwhile sexual partners. As in the case of this guy, I'm occasionally approached by men I'm attracted to who start with (what I consider) the wrong question: "are you married." My answer is, obviously "yes."

It sort of puts the onus on me. I get to figure out if what I'm dealing with is ACTUALLY a guy coming on to me or just my ego getting out of control. Which is really being put in the position of deciding if I want to take the chance of being wrong and sounding like I'm coming on to a guy... even though I'm married. The other problem is how to express my situation without giving out TMI or sounding crazy.

This is especially hard with the clever guys who're trying to avoid rejection. I appreciate their cleverness and I very much feel their desire to avoid rejection. However, it just makes it that much harder for me to NOT reject them. Very frustrating.

The internet is much easier.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Just another day.

So MP actually got in contact with me again last night. He told me he wanted to see if we could find a way to get together again, at least once before I leave. I'm really pleased. I had fun with him and could use another good fucking. This time with the intent to cum. I also told him he fucking needs to buy bigger condoms. Well, I tried to be more polite than that. However, I did let him know. He also asked me to leave him some feedback on AFF, which I did. I'm obedient if nothing else.

So we got to chatting and he reminded me that I once offered to give him a blow job in the store. Which is entirely true. He said he wanted to take me up on it, if I was still willing. In fact he'd offered to fuck me in the store, but I previously told him I just wasn't terribly comfortable with that and that remains true. Not to mention I swear the man tries to time himself perfectly to coincide with my period. When I'm most horny... and least available. I told him the offer still stood and he asked when. I gave him the two most recent and likely options. This Friday or next Friday. He choose today.

He showed up right about closing time. We talked for a couple of minutes and then I told him "look, I don't really have too much time. I imagine you don't either." He smiled at that and asked me where I wanted to do it. I looked around and finally pointed out that the office had a chair, if he wanted to sit down. And then he kind of floored me (because I'm so easy to floor) by pointing out that it was a good place for ME to sit. I stared at him surprised "wow, I hadn't even thought about me." Which kind of made me a little sad and embarrassed. We went back into the office and I sat down and watched him begin to strip part way. He took off his utility belt, setting it carefully on the floor before leaning over to kiss me.

MP is not the greatest kisser in the world, if you ask me. That particular honor will certainly almost always rest on the lips of the Ex. However, MP is pretty fucking good at it and I find myself utterly intoxicated by the feel of his lips against mine and his tongue in my mouth. I found myself pushing back against him, wanting badly to be on a bed where I could move on top of him, rubbing and pressing myself against him as our tongues met. Instead, I let my fingers slide over his arms and shoulders, hearing him open his pants. I reached down, taking his cock in my fingers as soon as it was free.

I broke the kiss so I could look at his cock again. My fingers wrapped around it, I was once again impressed by his thickness. Before long I took him deep into my mouth and began sucking him. After a few moments I suggested he sit on the desk so he could relax more completely and I could have better access. He agreed, taking a seat as I went back to sucking his cock.

I teased him a little, but it was more about hurrying things along. There was something vaguely clinical about it... but at the same time I had a really good time. He came after just a few minutes with the same "oh... yeah... right there..." kind of encouragement letting me know he was getting close which made me try harder. I kept his cock in my mouth until he finished cumming.

Afterward, I watched him re-dress and I went to grab my flavored water to wash the cum out of my mouth. We talked for a couple of minutes as I smiled at his post-orgasm reaction. It's funny to see someone who's just cum try to recover from the experience. Funny and really fucking hot. He said he was really looking forward to spending another full evening with me so we could enjoy ourselves more fully. Which just made me want to throw him down on something sturdy and fuck the hell out of him right there. I love a man who wants me....

I still need to get fucked. But at least I got to handle a nice cock again.

Oh, and I told husband if I get fired... that'll be the reason and please don't be surprised....

I was really disappointed, though, because that customer who keeps coming on to me didn't come in. And his quietly whispered "I don't think you understand how much I want you" (which I think was actually his exact wording rather than what I wrote yesterday) keeps fucking echoing in my head over and over and over. Who doesn't want to be wanted like that?!? His plan to get me into bed has worked. I want him. I didn't before, but I really fucking do NOW.

Of course, it's also that time of the month and I'm super horny. But I'm pretty sure I'd want him anyway. And he can HAVE me.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Trian came in today. He wasn't in the vast majority of the day so I sent him a text message asking if perhaps he was afraid of the rain? He showed up about 20 minutes later and winked at me. He had his friend with him, his "body guard" as I call him, so there was no conversation, although he stayed behind for a second to say something. Unfortunately a customer walked up so he cut himself off on his first word and basically left However, I sent him a message thanking him for at least coming to visit. He sent me one back saying something like that I was in an abnormally good mood today and he'd see me tomorrow.

Me? Good mood?

The funny thing is just before he sent me that final message one of my other customers had stopped in. The one I accidentally came on to a while back and who's since continued to come into the store on a not-very-regular basis in order to come on to me. I was working on re-organizing a section of the peg wall when I saw him coming in. I don't remember too much of the conversation specifically because much of it was experienced in a haze of hormones, fatigue, and shock. So, I can only cover the highlights.

Like when my favorite bitchy man-customer came into the store and in response to some comment he overheard told me "it's NOT always about you." I stared hard at him and told him "shut up and go away" and he did (snarkily, but that's how we relate to one another). So the customer who keeps flirting with me said quietly, "I'd make it ALL about you." And I actually got wet just from those couple of words. Fuck. I'm easy.

When there was no one else around he mumbled something to me. I said "what?" and he repeated his mumble, looking around to make sure no one could overhear. So then I leaned way toward him and said "what?" again. He said quietly, "you have no idea how much I want you." Yeah. He said that. Out loud. To me. I smiled and said something like "you're right. I don't. And I can't imagine why you would." Stupid, I know... but c'mon. And his response was "different strokes" or some such garbage. I sighed and told him "that was SO totally the wrong answer." Fuck, just about ANYTHING else would have been better. I stared at him a long moment and I considered actually giving him my number just then. But I didn't. Because I'm a damned fool.

He ended up leaving a bit after that, but I did tell him I'll be moving in a month. Maybe he'll come back again soon. Next time I'll give him my number. And maybe I'll end up with a worthwhile story to tell....

Oh hormones...

I got my period this morning. It caught me off guard. I mean, I really was half expecting to skip this month. Apparently, though, my body just felt like messing with me. Obviously I don't know it half as well as I think I do. Maybe that was it's plan all along. Considering the brain is a long-term inhabitant of the body, you'd think the body would be more up front about things that are going on. Unfortunately, it's really not. I feel a vague sense of constant war between my personality and my body. Each trying to control the other. I'm pretty sure my body is winning the war. PMS being an excellent example....

I sent a text to Whit last night but he never answered. Still hasn't. It's generally the night before I get my period that I become voraciously horny. I might very well have torn that boy apart if he'd have given me a call back. Instead I ended up masturbating and quite enjoying myself. Not as good as fucking but what can I do?

Trian on the other hand DID actually text me yesterday. When he came into the store I saw him but was in a different area. I barely caught a glance of him and that was all. A while later he came in again and I could have said something but chose to ignore him instead. The third time he came in (which is about 1 time more than is normal for him) I started to ignore him but ended up standing directly in front of him, about ten feet apart. "Didn't I forbid you to come in here?" I asked, teasingly. He smiled at that.

Later in the evening I thought to check my phone and sure enough he'd texted me twice. Once to ask "no hello?" and the second to ask a similar question. Despite the fact it was now about 6 hours later I texted him back letting him know I was punishing him, etc. Just a couple of texts back and forth but I think we're on good terms again. The important part was that he'd finally not only added me to his fucking cell list but that he'd taken the time to text me on his own. Exactly the thing to do to get me over my bitterness.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I figure it must be about that time of the month. Although I suspect I may be skipping it this month. Or the hormones are just trying to fuck with me. That happens often, too.

My "hot date" for tonight turned out to be a bit of a no-show. Well, he showed up online at about 9 in the evening. Told me he had internet problems. Apparently for about the last three days. Conveniently. And wouldn't I still like to come over? Oh no. Oh no. We're not starting any sort of relationship (sexual or otherwise) on those kinds of terms. Fuck that. He had the gall to tell me I'm not very forgiving. He's right, of course. When it comes to being stood up and/or ignored you're fucking right I'm not very forgiving.

I sent a text message to Trian. I figured I'd been somewhat less than kind last time I talked to him and should at least give the man some kind of encouragement. He sent me back a text asking me who I was. What the fuck? He did not just send me that text message. But he did. Apparently he didn't even bother to save my number in his phone. Nice.

Whit would have been up for seeing me. It's been a while. But by this time I was not in the best of moods. I went upstairs and cried for a while. One of my dogs came up and snuggled with me (falling quickly asleep) and I cried some more that he was the only one that really wanted to be near me (and then only because I was in bed and he could crawl under the covers). And then I got up and did some cleaning and pretty much was done feeling sorry for myself.

I'm a little frustrated with things, needless to say. And I'm pretty sure my hormones are fucking with my mind. Hate that.

Love Hate

I have this love hate relationship with the shower. Just like any child and the bathtub, I never want to get in. But once I'm in... I really don't want to get out. This is most especially true of showers taken at odd times during the day. I'm pretty solidly a morning-shower-er. Any morning after the alarm goes off I can pretty immediately be found stumbling toward the bathroom, towel in hand. However, if the alarm doesn't go off because I'm off work that day... I wake up and lay in bed, mentally complaining about the general unfairness of the world and how there's a million things I'd rather do than shower. Meanwhile, if I end up taking an afternoon shower for whatever reason... it is often one of the most pleasurable, sensual experiences ever.

And why am I talking about this? Because I just went through the whole "I don't WAAAAAANT to shower" thing. And then did. And it was nice. As usual.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to have a "hot date" for tonight. He asked me early on about people I've met via AFF canceling on me in real life. He asked me if that was fairly common and what my experiences with it were. Mostly non-existent to tell the truth. But it happens. I promised him I wasn't the sort to cancel without either a good reason or at least some warning. Based on the fact that I haven't heard from him in a couple of days, one must assume I should have taken his questions about the flakiness of the folks on AFF as a warning that he, too, is flaky rather than concern on his part that I might be.

So he may or may not contact me today, but the lack of contact in the last couple of days irritates me something terrible.

Lastly, yesterday husband and I lazed around for most of the day, making up for the day-trip we took on Saturday. He was upstairs, gathering up some needed laundry. I followed him and sprawled out on the bed trying to look inviting. He joined me and we snuggled sideways on the bed, under the covers. I let my hand drift down to the crotch of his shorts. I rubbed it slowly, tentatively, letting my fingers do equal work on his balls as on the shaft. I got him hard. Very hard. Then I snuggled up closer. I didn't try to kiss him. I just wanted to make sure I could still make him hard, even if it was all manual stimulation.

We lay in bed for a while after that, the dogs joined us, snuggling close, too. There was no sleep. There was no sex. But it was closeness. Eventually, I got up and we went downstairs, life returning to normal once again.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Boring blog....

Trian messaged me last night. I think he was trying to ask me for a get together this weekend. I pretended not to see the question. At least, not at first. I'll almost certainly get together with him again. Maybe as early as this weekend. Maybe if I beg convincingly. Who knows. Sad day when I have a to beg a man for sex. My life has been full of a lot of sad days, I think.

Meanwhile, Whit's losing his computer access for a while. Apparently his computer wasn't really his and he's giving it back. I do happen to have the lap top which I COULD lend him but I so totally don't trust people not to steal. Although I could totally get his ass in big trouble if he did attempt to steal it. Making me look like the town slut... but at least I'd have my computer back.

I kind of feel like going out of town this weekend. Not sure if we will, but it seems like it'd be a great weekend to visit the beach. THAT idea pleases me to no end....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Always thinking.

It seems to me during the first half of my work shift I think of at least two or three topics I'd like to write about. By the last half I've forgotten them. It's very annoying.

Last night I went to bed much later than I should have. The last thing I did before I went to bed was take a good long look at the Rabbit Habit vibe. And my favorite lube. I'm seriously considering trying the Rabbit. 90% of accounts of it say it's great. I'm not convinced it'd be great for me but I feel like I want to try.

Afterward I grabbed my bullet vibe and headed upstairs. Husband knew I had the bullet vibe with me and knew I was going to bed. It doesn't take a genious to put two and two together. Instead he followed me up to bed. While I agree it was late for either of us to go to bed I found it really fucking annoying that he'd so effectively prevent me from masturbating. Yes, I could have done it in front of him (and have) but seeing as he's essentially given up his husbandly rights to my sexuality I find myself not terribly interested in sharing that with him at all.

So to sleep I went. Irritated. But I get the house to myself for a few hours this afternoon....

Monday, September 04, 2006

Craving Cock

Considering the last couple of times I've been with me I've been left feeling very unsatisfied... I'm way fucking horny for some cock. Some really hard, thick, lasting cock.

I'm increasingly bitter and angry. And I swear to god there's no better way for a guy to ensure I never have an orgasm with him than for him to tell me about his last amazing partner who could have 20 million orgasms with him. Well, fuck. That ain't me and if you realish that soooooooo very much (instead of my one very elusive orgasm) then go fucking get her because I won't cum for you.

I mean, it's not like I really resent other women having orgasms... but I feel like my lack of ability to have them easily is a problem. And it makes it even harder to have the god damned things. For a while there I was in a place where it didn't bother me at all. But I appear to have lost that place. And all the sexual confidence I had before, too. And it's frustrating as fuck.

I'm just frustrated. Very, very frustrated.

Frank (from my traumatic experiences last year) messaged me the other day and asked me if I was ever going to be willing to get with him again. I told him no. Especially because I'm moving cross country shortly. But I found myself remembering how fucking awesome he was in bed. Talk about a confidence booster. He's a bad, bad man. But the man could fuck....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The rest of the night with Trian.

So Trian and I talked. A lot, while I was there. Among the things I discovered is that at least briefly his wife had a blog. Here. Oh. Umm. I asked him if she knew that he knew it existed. He told me she did. But later amended that when she found out he knew she deleted it. Which made me very quiet for a moment. Then he told me something she'd written and I had to point out that blogs are not gospel and we don't always mean some of the things we write.... But it's really hard to express that to someone who's not naturally a diary keeper. I considered mentioning my own but I really figure it's best not to arouse any curiosity in that department so I bit my tongue. Were he entirely cognizant of me at that moment (and not likely distracted by other thoughts) he probably could have figured it out based on reaction. And he's already come in contact with the name I used on this blog before. A quick search....

Anyway. Whatever.

So we talked. In the dark of his house, in front of the TV. At last he moved toward me. I knew what was coming. I was hard pressed to decide what to do. I really wasn't there for that. But... I kind of was. I mean, I was pretty sure it was coming and to pretend otherwise would be foolish. I just wasn't convinced that was what I really wanted from him but... then his lips were on mine.

This ranks right up there with one of the weirdest kisses I've ever experienced. Mark used to nibble at my lips frustrating the hell out of me. The other guy stuck his tongue in my mouth and didn't move. At all. Just tongue. Trian pressed his lips against mine and... didn't move. At all. nothing. I smiled against his lips feeling vaguely awkward. With no guidance I find myself unsure as to how to kiss back. For all I know he was waiting to see what I'd do, hoping to take guidance from me. Whatever the case, it was vaguely awkward. I took control and deepened the kiss.

Moments later I felt his hand on my breast. I found myself smiling against his mouth again, I let out a little laugh as I thought that's SO typically male. Go STRAIGHT for the tits. He pulled back and asked "what?" So I told him exactly that, with a small laugh in my voice. Then he asked "do you want to go upstairs?" I momentarily considered saying "no," still, thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea... but... so I said yes.

We went up the dark stairs into his dark bedroom. Another candle. I try to imagine what exactly he was thinking in his head as he lit the candle, You know, just in case. Or was he more assured than that? I looked around the darkened bedroom taking it in when he asked "did you want me to turn on the light?" I glanced up at the light and said "no" even as he flicked it on. Of course, I was looking right at it. I laughed and he laughed with me, "sorry, you were too slow with the 'no' " he told me. I told him about the last time I was with Whit and how he'd done something evilly similar.

I sat down on the bed then and he came back over to stand in front of me. His mouth found mine again. Shortly after we were both naked and I was pleasantly surprised by the size of his cock. I'd certainly been expecting something far less impressive. His fingers found their way to my clit and he began rubbing it gently. It felt nice. Better than I'd expected. I mostly ignored it, though, touching and playing with his body. He told me I smelled good. He told me I was very wet for him and he liked that. He asked me if I liked the way he was touching me and I nodded shyly, until his fingers found just the wrong spot. "Mmm... not there," I whispered. "Where?" he asked. I was quiet. "Tell me where," he asked again and I felt myself just completely freeze. "I... uh... don't know...." He didn't accept the answer, asking again, "it's okay, just tell me where." I wanted to tell him, I did. But I answered "I don't know. Really." Again. I never know. Not really. I mean, how do I teach a guy to make me cum?

This was the part that sticks in my head so strongly. Here was a man willing (and clearly able) to touch me however I wanted and I found myself unable to share that part of my self with him. I still find myself frustrated with my reaction. My complete lack of willingness to tell him forced me to change the focus. I moved back on the bed and had him join me there.

I watched him grab a condom, getting it ready. And I thought isn't that a bit soon? Luckily, he didn't put it on and I took him into my mouth after he climbed onto the bed. After I got him close a few times he asked if I wanted him inside me and I considered but realized how really close he was. And how much fucking I REALLY like. "I don't think that'd be fair to me," I finally said, confusing him. "I think I've gotten you close too many times," I explained. He nodded. Finally I asked him " what if I don't want to swallow?" He told me he'd never really cared much one way or the other and I could use the bathroom behind him or he could get a tshirt. Or a towel. Or a tissue. I went back to what I was doing and when he came (an incredible orgasm, I might add) I swallowed.

Afterward he lay back for a while and relaxed, not reaching for me. "Basking," he told me. Finally he asked if I'd perhaps brought anything with me which he could use to satisfy me. I had not, and hadn't even considered the idea. And so I got none. Nothing. At all.

So we talked for a while, naked on the bed before eventually getting dressed and heading downstairs. Down there we talked a lot longer. And then I went home. As I left he gave me another chaste kiss and asked if he'd see me (at work) on Tuesday. I told him he would and haven't heard from him since.

Thus my irritation. Much as I think Trian is a nice guy (and often a door mat) I find myself irritated by the lack of manners when it comes to the post-nookie message. Or maybe that's just a "thing" with me. Especially when I got nothing out of it other than a long talk and a mouth full of cum...

Saturday, September 02, 2006

You know...

a lesson any man can learn is that if they have a sex partner and they want to KEEP that sex partner... it's really nice if said man gives a girl a call back after the first night of sex (and some of the subsequent ones, too). Just a quick email, text, note, message, something saying "hey, thanks for the good time." NSA sex or not, it just makes a girl feel good.

I wish more guys would learn that.

The pre story.

So when I spent part of the day yesterday talking to Trian. He was bored at work so he came to the store and talked to me for a very long time. It was really interesting and really distracting. I got nothing done. Luckily, I'm the next person to work in the store so only I'll really know how little I did. Regardless, we talked for a very long time. About a lot of things. Other women, mostly, it seems like.

He told me he could spend the evening with the woman he's been entertaining for a few weeks but he kind of didn't want to and was thinking about telling her "no". I let some time pass before I finally asked him if perhaps he'd like to spend the evening with me. He considered and then told me "well, tonight I have this thing-" I cut him off utterly floored and offended and told him "you can't sit there and tell me you don't want to go see this other woman and pretend you suddenly have something planned you want to do. If you don't want to, I'm okay with that. I know you didn't want to be alone and I know you weren't all that excited about seeing her. But telling me 'no' isn't going to break my heart. You wouldn't be the first guy I've asked out in this store and been refused by. It's NOT a big deal."

A few moments later a customer came in and Trian excused himself to the bathroom. When he came back he told me that he'd be okay with spending the evening with me but "what do you want to do?" I shrugged and told him "I don't really know." "okay... but... what kind of plans do you have?" I shrugged again and told him I wasn't terribly picky. I could see he was getting vaguely frustrated which is when I recognized what he was actually asking. "Oh, I'm not trying to seduce you or anyhing! I just like talking to you." He smiled at that and asked " do you want to come over to my place?" "Sure," I said. He gave me directions and asked what time. We agreed upon a time and he added "that way you can get something to eat, take a shower, and relax..."

He left shorly afterward and I thought "...take a shower...?" Wondering if he'd actually heard me say "I'm trying to seduce you" rather than what I'd ACTUALLY said which was "I'm NOT trying to seduce you." However, being the good and obediant woman I am, when I got home I took a shower. You never know, afterall.

And then I headed out.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Not to put too fine a point on it...

but I ended up spending the evening with Trian.

Very... interesting.

Among the things I've discovered about Trian is the more time I spend in his company, the more I learn about myself.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

No sense...

Mason came in today. I talked to him a little. He was in his more approachable moods. It was nice. He did that thing he does where I feel like he has something else he wants to say but never really does. I'm really not sure what to think of it. But I imagine all sorts of dirty, wonderful things coming out of his mouth. They never do, though. And probably never will.

Trian came in again today and talked to me for a long while. He tells me sad things that make me think. I went home and talked to husband about some of them and how they relate to him and I and the way it hurts me even in such a hypothetical way to think about the things Trian talks about. I can't really explain better, I dont' think. But much of it has to do with being in love with someone who's manipulative and cruel and yet somehow still the one you love.

It brought back to me much of the heartbreak I felt when I broke up with the ex (or he broke up with me). Whichever it was, much as I still know he wasn't "good" or "right" for me it didn't matter so much to my heart. I think of all the people in the world I've known he's the only one who really broke my heart. That kind of love and heartbreak is really hard to deal with rationally. He's the only person I really think of as my "exboyfriend" because he was really that important to me. Thus he's the ex, though I never married him or even officially dated him. Heck, I doubt he even thinks of me as an ex.

Anyway, so between remembering so vividly the tears, loneliness, and pain of losing the ex whom I was only with for about 4 months, I can imagine what Trian's dealing with losing his wife....

So if it all seems disjointed it's the benedryl. But it all made sense in my head as I typed each sentence. Maybe I can make more sense tomorrow if I've failed so miserably tonight. I just needed the outlet.


Recently, I wrote a entry in which I linked to some video samples. Keith went and looked and basically told me he didn't care for them. Which kind of annoyed me. Because it wasn't about getting off so much as referencing what I was writing about. So there.

So after mentioning the jack-off boys on youtube and wondering if perhaps there was a more xrated of version of the site where hiding their meat would be less neccessary I found xtube. I'm not convinced its as user friendly as youtube (nor do I promise they don't spam or do any other annoying things) but... it appears to be pretty much exactly what I was looking for. And hell, a ten minute amateur video for free is hard to shake a fist at....

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Virgins with Virgins...

I was talking to this guy online. No interest in him, really. Well, I was once. But everyone makes mistakes.

I keep accusing him of being a virgin. Specifically a 16 year old virgin. It wouldn't surprise me if that were actually the case. He told me that being a 16 year old virgin would certainly put him into a good position to fuck other 16 year old virgins.

Which got me to thinking about my first attempts at sex. Specifically, with my first boyfriend (at age of 18). I won't talk about HIS age, but he was younger than me. Which probably technically makes me a criminal, though I don't feel like much of a pervert. He started it, dammit. Regardless, we shared a lot of firsts. He was my first kiss and I, his. The first time we kissed each other (with tongue) was... interesting. Afterward we stared at one another for a long moment and I think I said "that was really weird. I'm not sure we did that right." And he agreed, looking vaguely troubled.

Practice makes perfect and looking back I'm pretty sure our first tongue kiss was actually a real, normal kiss. It just felt so different from anything either of us had ever experienced. It took some getting used to. Time passed and we shared some really great kisses. I gave him all sorts of hand jobs and oral sex during that time, too, but when he came he always liked me to be kissing him on the mouth. Well. Not always.

Things progressed between us in that way, but he never agreed to us having "real" sex. I wanted to feel a man inside me for my first time and he refused. I put a condom on him once in preparation but he went limp very quickly and told me he'd changed his mind.

Eventually, we broke up, having never completed that particular transaction. Shortly afterward, I met a reasonably attractive guy about 10 years older than me who took my virginity. Were I to go back to him at my present level of knowledge and skill we'd probably be pretty fucking awesome together. However, because I was so inexperienced and he was so unprepared for my lack of understanding (and ultimately enjoyment) of sex, it ended up being pretty bad. He knew I was a virgin, I'm just not sure he really understood exactly how virginal I was. I think we ended up having sex three times. Maybe as many as four. And then he told me he thought I was getting too serious about him and he felt compelled to break things off completely before he broke my heart. I kind of think he just wasn't that into me and found the sex boring as hell. I wouldn't blame him.

It's my own memories of my crap-tastic showing during my early sexual experiences that makes it very clear to me that I definitely don't want to be anyone else's first time. Thanks but no thanks. That's just too much responsibility.

However, I do still find myself wondering what it would have been like to have had sex with my first boyfriend. The sharing and learning about our bodies and our bodies responses and the mechanics of sex might have been really special. Just the way our first awkward attempts at kissing led us to some really wonderful, passionate moments after the shared initial discomfort of not knowing what we were doing, I can't help but wonder if fucking him would have been similar. I wonder how my sexuality would have developed differently with him.

Anyway, I was thinking that maybe virgins with virgins isn't a bad idea. I'm sure there's something to be said for being a virgin with a more experienced man but looking back... I can't help but wonder how it could have been different.

None-for-you game.

A long while ago I read somewhere about women and men and sex. More specifically about married couples in which the woman wants sex less than the man. According to what I read (or watched on tv?) many of the women became increasingly physically isolated because they were convinced ANY phyiscal contact would lead to attempts for sex by the man in their life. It was easier to rebuff all physical affection than take the chance of sexually frustrating their partner further and starting a fight. I think of it as the none-for-you game.

I'm starting to think husband read the same article.

Last night I put him to bed, but I'm still excessively horny. Much as I attempt to keep my sexuality seperate from my relationship with him (because of the none-for-you game that I find so frustrating) sometimes I can't help but persue him. Last night, as I kissed him goodnight, crawled ontop of him and began kissing him more earnestly, moving my hips over his suggestively. Finally when we seperated he told me "but we can't. No matter how much you want a baby!" Which is of course NOT what I'm going for but rather his excuse to avoid sex. Fear of pregnancy. However, even when I was on the pill religiously he found excuses to say "no." (Which is pretty impressive since my libido rapidly disappears when on the pill, thus making my attempts at sex very few and far between).

The thing that I think irritated me most was the fact that I really wasn't trying to get him to fuck me. I still have my yeast infection (last night was the last night of treatment... please god let me be better by tomorrow!) and am therefore still off limits to sex. So I was really persueing the affectionate touching thinking he knew I was simply unable to follow through. Instead he wanted to play the none-for-you game. Which is really such a shame because I wanted cock so bad last night I would have happily given him a BJ without concern for getting anything back for myself (since he so hates to give it). Instead, I found myself kissing him again and persuing it no further. Wouldn't want to put him out, afterall.

Meanwhile, The Good Wife (her blog's somewhere out there) mentioned youtube. Specifically the fact that there are delightfully r-rated videos of various and sundry men masturbating. Specifically close ups of clothed, hard cock in hand. It took me a few half-hearted attempts to figure out "underwear bulge" was among the keywords that would unlock the mystery of what the hell she was talking about. Needless to say after several sexless days and much frustration... I found those videos very effective.

And it got me to wondering where the hell there's a more adult version of youtube. Where the underwear come off....