Argh!

I tried posting the other day and blogger said "I'm broken." That was that.

So, let's see. I have a sick cat. The vet is currently at almost as much as a loss as I am as to what the hell is going on. It's all urinary but isn't making much sense via ultrasound, urinalysis, culture, etc. Switching to a urinary diet isn't ideal since she's got food allergies. One way or the other she's kind of fucked. It's very frustrating and I'm in the middle of dealing with another major episode from her. I'm starting to get the picture that it's the stress of going to the vet that's causing the problem... but I can't prove it, yet.

I made a doctor's appointment for myself. I want to get on one of the new birth controls and finally get officially diagnosed with the PCOS I so obviously have. And then deal with that. Unfortunately, it's a new doctor for me which means I get to wait a long-ass time before I can get in. Suck. But at least I've made the appointment! And then they'll diagnose me with high blood pressure and I'll claim it's at least partially because I'm afraid of the white coats!

My period has gotten so out of control, I honestly can't remember the last time I got it. It was... months ago. 4? More? I don't know! I've spotted a few times and have gone through the whole PMS episode this month. I thought for sure I'd get my period, especially due to an increased horniness factor that always comes on. The day before I become desperate and insatiable which I experienced as well as a little spotting and then... nothing. Just another normal day.

For the sake of my sex life, I need to find something. Get things under control. Because otherwise, my libido is almost nonexistent. And I'm pretty sure, the less sex I have, the more irregular I become and the less interested in sex I am. It's a terrible, terrible cycle. Just ask my husband....

On a different note, I purchased a 4-pack of Jones Pure Cane Cream Soda. I've had a partial bottle sitting on my desk since last night. First of all, I never bothered to try Pepsi throwback because I don't like Pepsi, but I am very curious about Mexican Coke (which apparently is made with sugar instead of corn syrup). Now, even more so since I've tried the Jones and fallen madly in love. Plus, the sweet, vanilla smell that comes off the bottle sitting a couple of feet away is driving me crazy. No candle ever smelled so good, let alone a bottle of soda!

Also, I never believed it, but it turns out I have a sensitivity to certain shampoos. Herbal Essences is the devil and makes my head itch and itch. I bought Sauve on a lark, as a replacement and that stuff makes me ENTIRE BODY itch. I finally replaced that with Pantene (which I've successfully used before) and for the first time in a month got out of the shower feeling clean and comfortable in my skin. The thing is, I don't BATHE with the stuff. But it's hard to keep shampoo and conditioner from running down my body. Having the middle of my back itch, well... it's been frustrating to say the least.

I woke myself up at 7am this morning to call work. By telling myself just before I fell asleep at 2:30 that it was very, very important that I wake up at 7am to call work. And I did. At EXACTLY 7am. The human mind can be freaky wonderful, sometimes. But now I'm going back to sleep!

Before I go to bed

I mean, not to be gross or anything but I'm going to need an explanation of how someone can "lose" something inside their vagina. I bring this up because I happened across a post about someone "losing a tampon" in their vagina. This is not the first time I've heard of such things. As a teenager this used to freak me out. As an adult, I remain mystified. I mean, my vagina isn't some gaping black hole. The whole "lost in a vagina" thing sounds rather curiously like something a young teenage boy would come up with. And yet. It always seems to be girls bringing it up. Seriously, wtf.

So busy!

I'm so busy with my life (and with doing things I enjoy) that I don't even have time to post. Which I guess means I don't enjoy it as much as I once did.

That's a shame. I've been a life-long journaler and here I am... not journaling. WTF?

I'm not sure what's going on with my lately, maybe it's the fact that I'm living under thinly veneered sense of terror. Maybe it's something else, but boy have I been working on being organized and eating right and all that crap, lately. Which isn't to say I didn't eat an emergency cupcake just before dinner. I had a need.

Money is especially tight around here these days. For reasons not even related to the economy. We've been virtually (and magically) untouched by the recession so many others have had to deal with. But, with medical problems piling up and the potential of my roomie losing her job (and therefore our place since the two are intertwined) well... it's a little scary. The job loss is probably not a realistic problem. But it is a mild possibility. Enough to make me hyperventilate a little. On the inside.

Luckily, wedding season (for us) is over. Gifts are bought and paid for. "Special" outfits no longer need to chosen and upgraded. Life is back to it's usual pace. Maybe now we can finally overtake the bills again....

Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.