Rope.

Obviously I've been thinking a lot about rope. Just thinking, really.

Yesterday a guy came into my work and asked if we sold rope. I stared at him, momentarily surprised and speechless. Let's go back a bit and say this is a fine young K9 unit police officer. If there's a faster way to my heart I don't know it. And he's super duper cute. And sexy. And he flirts!

So when he asked me if we sold rope all I could think about was kink. And him. And me.

Eventually I was able to open my mouth and answer him... but only just.

That'd be my story from yesterday.

Sporadic

Please forgive the increasingly sporadic quality of my post as I've become mysteriously ill since just before Christmas. It's all the hallmarks of being pregnant... without actually BEING pregnant according to the tests. The doctor gave me a blood pregnancy test yesterday but the likelihood is very small. It would almost be a blessing if I WAS because at least my mysterious illness would be explained.

On the other hand being pregnant would be a REAL problem and would therefore be it's own catastrophy.

So basically I'm somewhat miserable. And I've been given one of those medications where my choice is feel sick... or I can take the medication and pass out. I hate being in a situation where those are my two choices. It's like how allergy medications used to work (you know.. like benedryl)... sneeze a lot... or take the pill and pass out.

Anyway. I do have a short story to relate later... but it's not all that interesting so don't get excited.

Rope

Last night I was wrapping a package for my sister. As I worked to tie the twine I was (artistically) using as ribbon around her package I told my husband "you know, if I were into bondage and knew things about tying rope I'd totally wrap my gifts and then bind them up using those skills." Which is probably totally tacky and show-off-y in the sm world but I think that sort of thing LOOKS cool so... fuck it.

This got me to thinking so I went online and looked up a basic japanese body harnass-y thing and trussed up the next package just like that.

I gazed longingly at husband "can I try it on you?!?"

"NO," he said, with finality.

I frowned and went back to wrapping presents. My obediant and submissive dog walked up. It was his doom.

I went about fashioning him the same harnass out of yarn. He wasn't terribly happy to have the yarn winding about his body... but it wasn't hurting him either. Finished I admired my handywork as the dog stared at me looking none too pleased. He looked a rather lot like a sled dog in a pulling harnass. Finally, I removed it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't sexualize my dog. I just wanted to see what it would look like.

I turned back to husband. "That's cool. Now can I do you?"

"NO!"

I gazed at him, hurt. "Why not?" It's not like it's a restrictive thing. No movement is impeded. It's not like I was tying him up. Fuck, he ought to be INTO the idea of being tied up and helpless since he never really wants to do the work of having sex anyway. Not that I do, either, sometimes.

His mouth was a thin line as he went back to playing his game.

I continued to stare at him. "Are you trying to keep me from growing?" I asked.

He glanced at me, "FINE, after you shave my head tomorrow you can tie me up, maybe."

Ah, guilt. It's always fun to have such a willing subject.

Anyway, it's not even a sexual thing. I just want to try a new skill (simplistic though it may be) and see what it looks like on.. and in person.

Spencer's

Wandering around the mall I convinced husband we needed to at least visit the Spencer's. As we wandered through the all too small store, I stopped to gaze longingly at the fun little sex section. I fingered all the flavored lubes and massage oils and inevitably found myself drawn to the $14.99 purple rubber flogger that was hanging on the end cap. I immediately turned to husband and whipped his arm with it.

Nothing.

I tried again. Nothing.

I tried again.

"That kind of stings."

"Okay, do me."

He whipped my arm.

Nothing.

"Harder!"

Nothing.

"Harder!"

Nothing.

"HARDER! Are you afraid you're going to HURT me?!?"

A minor sting.

"I think I want that."

"You can get it."

"You probably won't use it on me."

"Maybe."

We walked out of the store to the car.

"You can get it next time if you really want it."

"I think I do. You know... if only to hang on the wall. But are you afraid you're going to bruise me or something?"

"Who could tell? You're one big bruise ANYWAY."

"True."

Another Q&A

AKA No Original Thoughts


Q. I understand your desire for him NOT to be with someone else if he is not sleeping with you...that would make no sense at all. Have you two tried a threesome? Is that something that would interest either one of you?

A. We've never tried a threesome and near as I can tell husband is totally down with the idea of sleeping with another woman and myself... which really doesn't hold much interest for me. I mean, I could probably be there for him and pleasure him as always with her doing the same... but the idea of being with another woman makes me want to sigh heavily and find somewhere else to be more often than not. And, as I covered husband probably wouldn't be able to function with another man around. I just asked him in all seriousness (with the caveat what I wasn't really suggesting it... just trying to answer a question more fully) if he thought he could handle a MFM threesome to which he replied "yeah, probably." I quizzed him further and got, "well, probably not." And went further to ask "what about with your friend?" (the one I've mentioned here lately) and got "probably... but then I wouldn't really be paying much attention to him." So, goes to show it'd have to be someone he's *really* comfortable with.

Q. "unconcerned shrug" and "mostly disinterested" aren't very exciting corner stones to build any kind of sex life! Doesn't sound like a typical mid-twentysomething male. He better get his dick checked or something

A. He's 30, about to be 31. Of course, this is not an excuse as the vast majority of my lovers are closer to mid-30's and they manage just fine. However, there really isn't anything wrong with his functioning (off hand I can't think of a time he was unable to get it up spontaneously or when I wasn't able to take matters into my own hands with success). He masturbates at least once a day most days. I don't begrudge him that and don't think it really correlates to our lack of sex. It's all mental, baby.

Q. Rod makes me wonder, and please forgive my asking, but is there4 any chance your husband is gay and just not at terms with it?I've also read about a growing "asexuality" classification of people lately, which for me is really disturbing.I wish I knew the answer...then we'd both be getting more from our respective spouses alongside the extras.

A. I've been bugging my husband for years about being gay. Except that he's not. I'm a porn hound and own more than a couple of gay porn movies. Husband knows I absolutely adore hot gay action. He knows I'd think it was really hot if he WERE bisexual or even outright gay even if I never ever got to watch and only got to hear the stories. However, he's never ever in the entire time we've been together expressed any sort of a real interest in another man (except some huge strong man on TV... but the dude was amazing and I'm not really sure he meant it). His porn collection on his computer is exclusively straight (I've checked in my search for something new to masturbate to). I just admitted to him that I used his computer once for that purpose and he said "oh." So I told him "I didn't find anything weird. Should I have?!?" He responded "Umm. No." I stared at him a long moment and he asked, "were you hoping I'd say 'yes!' and 'here it is!' because I don't." The only thing I find that I find worrysome is his penchant for those barely legal girls. Which lead to a running joke when I was in my early twenties that it was time for him to trade me in for a younger model. Anyway, he told me spontaneously that he has never used MY computer for the purpose of checking my hard drive for porn because "I don't think I'd like yours."

An Answer

I was asked if my marriage is open for both of us or if I'm just a selfish slut. Okay, that's not really what I was asked. But it's a more amusing way of putting it.

Truth be told my marriage IS completely open. When my husband is quizzed as to why he lets me sleep around his answer is usually an unconcerned shrug and the answer "you'd let me." Which is definately true.

Husband HAS slept with another girl. Once. It wasn't that great for either of them based on the description. However, whenever I suggest he find himself another woman to sleep with he is mostly disinterested.

I know. I don't get it either.

Since we started this whole "open marriage" I have put a stipulation on him sleeping with other people. Namely, he's forbidden to get with someone else if he's not getting with me, too. I cannot express how hurt and angry I would be were he to start sleeping with someone else while letting our sex life continue to languish as it has. I've explained to him exactly my reasoning and he appeared to understand and accept it.

Merry Christmas

It was a nice Christmas. Had husband's friend over and I flirted with him a little. I did make it a point to go and take a two hour nap, though, so they'd at least have SOME time together without having me breathing down their necks.

So we made a late breakfast and I made an early dinner and we were WELL fed. It was good.

After husband's friend left I crawled on top of husband and kissed him. I probably could have gone further at that moment but was terribly concerned he'd think it had something to do with his friend. Which it would've. But I'd hate for him to think I'm THAT attracted to his friend. It might be awkward.

However, I soon came to regret it as several hours later I asked husband for sex (for Christmas) and got something of a less than luke warm response. *sigh*

The ex sent me an IM wishing me a Merry Christmas. I definately have my sights set back on him. Unless he decides he really likes his girlfriend again which would be very annoying. But not surprising.

Q&A

Q. I'm wondering where this change of heart came in about Li all of a sudden?

A. The change has been very gradual. And will probably flip back and forth for a while. It may never settle which should be SO boring to read that you'll just gag and leave. Of late, Li has demonstrated an attitude of superiority and (as I mentioned earlier) the inability to do wrong. That is NOT sexy. At ALL.

I called him on the fact that I was tired of hearing it and the next time I told him "hey, this is broken" he should just fucking fix it instead of telling me how someone must have broken it because he never ever would have put it out like that and blah blah blah because I really don't fucking CARE what he would or wouldn't have done so long as the fucker gets fixed. Which is absolutely bullshit. I've CAUGHT him putting shit out and he still denies it and latches onto the lies my manager tells everyone rather than admitting that maybe he made a mistake.

The other day when I realized it was late and that I had failed to double check that his company was sending him, I called him to ask but ended up leaving a message. I get a long winded message about how he doesn't get in the middle of the scheduling stuff and he's been told he's going elsewhere and if I have a scheduling problem or question I should call the company and here's the number and there's nothing he can do about it. Blah blah blah. The question was "will you be in tomorrow" the answer was "no" but I get this long winded "you're stupid for even asking me" speech. Well, thanks a fucking lot. So I left him a message back basically saying "dude, I asked a question. I did what I was supposed to do up until forgetting to confirm TODAY because god knows I'm not perfect. I only asked so we could stop telling customers that you'd be there when apparently you WON'T. That's ALL."

Meanwhile, the other day he made two other comments about me not knowing him at all and how he didn't feel like talking to ME about something. Well, fuck you, too dude. I've been trying and he says shit like that.

Granted, none of these things matter so much when one is in bed. However, I tend to find one's personality shows through when it comes to sex and it's not looking good for him. Shoot, if I don't even LIKE him how am I supposed to want to suck his dick?

Of course, he COULD just be this way about WORK. But I'm not so sure.

Oh, yeah. And telling me that he NEVER cries at work because if he cried some guy might hug him and then people would think he was a "faggot" didn't really endear him to me, either. It's not unheard of for me to sleep with people and disagree with their completely stupid views on gay folks but it feels a lot like sleeping with a Klan member. And, I don't feel the urge to give Klan members sex. And yeah, he COULD have meant the term "faggot" as an endearment... however, I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

Nooooo.

I had to call Li tonight for a work related thing. And I told him to call MY boss back instead of me. If he calls here I will SO totally NOT be looking forward to talking to him. At ALL. Wow. Well, I'd be okay with talking to him if he wouldn't get all serious and give me a talking to about the message I was passing on to him. *sigh*

Anyway. I'm cleaning the house so I don't have time to write anything terribly worthwhile.

Whiney.

Li annoyed me again today and I didn't even SEE him. Such a love/hate thing which is gradually becoming increasingly hate. So much for that, eh? And yet...

I'm going to get my tongue done. At this point I'm going through the same thing I went through when I got my nipples done. Trying to figure out whether I can handle the pain. I mean, theoretically of COURSE I can. I mean, god knows. I got my NIPPLES done for Christ sake. But the tongue thing... is there anything worse than dental pain? I mean, I know it's not really DENTAL pain... but... eek. So I'm being all wussy and skeevy and basically waiting until I'm really really ready. I'm sure I'll bring it up as a possibility a few more times before I'm absolutely sold on getting it done and then DOING it. The later is the hard part.

There was something else I felt like mentioning. Put a lot of thought into it. Apparently I put too much thought into it and don't have any thought left at all.

That sucks.

I'm thinking if the ex is still interested in sex next time I run into him I'll be running over there like a dog in heat. I need SOMETHING to distract me from my frustration with Li and put me back into some kind of a good mood. They say you can never go back but I'm willing to make the effort. Husband says I should try to get the ex out of my system. I'm not sure that's the way to do it but... hey... I'll make the effort.

Tongue

Let my blog be ALL about Li, okay? Because I'm like... obsessed.

Actually, we were talking about piercings. I was relating the story of my jewelry being changed by the piercer. I can't remember if I wrote this ever-so-brief story. I might write about it later if I didn't. Anyway.

I was telling Li that I was definately getting my tongue done soon. Of course this is VERY MUCH an invitation for him to put his dick in my mouth. I mean, DUH. From what I can tell it's an experience he's never had (either putting his dick in my mouth or putting his dick in the mouth of a pierced tongued girl) and I'm more than happy to provide those experiences to him. Simultaneously if neccessary.

Anyway he mentioned that he once knew a girl who'd had her tongue pierced further back than normal. Because it was more useful.

Now, I could have stood before him considering the implications of this and trying desperately to think of how having the piercing further back would be more sexually stimulating to a guy. I mean, I momentarily questioned this and then decided rather than standing there looking like an idiot or physically pantomiming in an effort to make sure this would make sense I nodded and said something like "ah, must have been off center, then." And left it at that.

However, I felt the need to consider this. Pantomiming in private being less than thrilling. And not very revealing. I told husband "go wash your penis. I want to try something." Knowing I only want him to wash when I'm about to go down he rushed off to do that. Of course, he refused me sex yesterday AND today already... but a BJ? Oh, yeah. He's there.

So I practiced it on him and realised that when I get my tongue pierced he's NOT going to like it very much. The places that the piercing will hit will be places he doesn't particularly LIKE being hit. And getting it done further back (were that an option) would only exacerbate the problem.

Not to mention my often spectacular gag reflex.

So, they shall have to pierce me as they see fit. And I'll just have to deal with the consequences later.

Talked to my boss today. Apparently she's unhappily married. But getting out of it in a civilized manner. Basically she seemed fairly resolute but not rushing. A mutual decision. Apparently he's cheated on her a number of times.

I stared at her. "But... you encourage me to cheat with Li!" She smiled a little, "yeah, but I don't think he'd really do it."

Damn. She might not be wrong.

But maybe....

I wonder what the ex is up to. I'm thinking I want some of that again. NSA.

My day.

I spent the day flirting with Li. Instead of looking forward to his being there with much anticipation I rather didn't give a shit. He pissed me off a lot. So, I went to work and while I made sure everything was set up for him, I made it a point to avoid him as much as possible.

He apparently doesn't care to be ignored.

So, after ignoring him for a while I flirted a little. And he flirted back. And we ended up flirting a hell of a lot. And I was tempted to ask him to fuck the hell out of me. But instead bit my tongue because he supposed to let me know when he's single again. And hasn't yet. But it sure is fun to flirt.

I suppose I could STILL ask him to fuck me. Flirtingly.

Anyway. It seems to work best when I don't get all excited about him coming. Because when he ignores ME... I get really upset. And it just goes downhill.

And I bitched him out for his last message which ended up "make sure there's space for me and pull the product" and I was like "fucker!" And deleted the message.

Anyway. We're on good terms. I just gotta calm my ass down.

Meanwhile, the ex is inviting me for sex again. *sigh* So tempting.

Distracted

I drove past the complex of a potential lover. Someone I haven't talked to in weeks but whom still entices me. As I sat at the light waiting for the light to change, husband sitting quietly next to me I found myself lost in the fantasy of snuggling up to the other guy, our lips finding one another's.....

I noticed the cars around me moving. I missed the light change. Only by a second or two.

Is it bad when one's sexual fantasies distract from driving?

And I still haven't had sex with husband since the last time I wrote about it. And the last time I wrote about it was... ummm.

Yeah, I don't remember either.

Tears on my pillow...

I had a friend die yesterday. It's been a long time coming, although it was still somewhat unexpected the down turn she took. Thus my recent depression.

Anyway. what is it about death that just makes sex seem so much more enticing?

Probably just need to be held. Really, really close. You know... on the inside.

Quick Entry

I spent the better part of tonight with Husband and his friend Jay. I kind of dig Jay and he occasionally digs me, too. We're not likely to sleep together. Well, yeah... just not likely.

Except I find myself wanting to try to seduce him. And being really unsure HOW. Because he MIGHT go along with it. Or he might not. And if he didn't... that could be awkward since he's Husband's closest friend right now. Best not to really even consider it, seeing as he IS Husband's closest friend.

Anyway, the point was, as I was laying there on the couch with my head on husband's lap I was thinking how much of a turn on it would be to suck Husband's cock while Jay watched... then came over to take care of me. Or get sucked. Or whatever. I just see the possibility of a really hot threesome there. Except Husband is not the kind of guy to be into that sort of thing.

The point is more that I've found someone I'd be really comfortable having that sort of experience with and that's pretty cool. Not to say I will... but it's good to know that there, in fact, ARE people like that in the world. And at some point I might come across the right circumstances with two of the right guys and that'd be super hot.

Off to bed.

How to build a better day.

I decided I needed a pick me up for the evening. I talked at husband for a while. That helped.

Then I went to the not-so-local piercing palace and bought some new nipple jewelry. The entirely too hot piercer didn't even OFFER to see my breasts... he DEMANDED. It was GREAT. I mean, you know, basically he acted like it was expected that he would change my jewelry for me. Yeehaw.

So, I bared the girls for him and he helped figure out exactly which barbells I'd need and popped them in for me. It involved a touch of pinching pain. Lesson here... it's much less painful if I do it myself. But far less fun.

I questioned him a bit on tongue piercing, as I'm getting ready for that next. Basically, wanting to know about the healing period and how long until I could change the jewelry.

Having paid the guy to play with my nipples (actually, I only paid for the jewelry not the fondling), I headed home.

Once home I took the dogs out for a walk to loosen the old nerves and now I feel much much better.

Lastly will be some kind of late evening meal in front of the last two episodes of Sex and the City that are On Demand.

Oh, and I told husband he was absolutely going to have to give it up... and soon... because girlfriend (me) is getting irritated about her lack of attention. He told me maybe he'd give it to me tomorrow before we visit his friend (who's seen my nipple jewelry and whom I wouldn't mind fucking) in an effort to keep me from being QUITE so slutty. But of course, he doesn't really care HOW slutty I am. And having sex before going over there is only likely to make me want to have MORE sex. But I didn't mention that part.

Gotta let the guy have his dreams.

NOT sexy

Today was NOT a sexy day for me. I cried in front of Li AGAIN. Why oh why must I be such a big cry baby? We ended up having a bit of a fight when I just got tired of hearing him make these excuses that he always makes (work related). Irritating as shit.

Anyway, I said something not very nice and had to go back and apologize and by the end of the day everything was okay but he was all worried about me. *sigh*

On the positive side I'll have an excuse to give him a call either tonight or tomorrow. You know, to let him know that I'm okay.

However, I'm getting a really irritated feeling that nothing's going to come of all this. Or that by the time something has the potential of coming of it I'll be bored and not turned on by him at all.

Fuck.

I'm so frustrated.

Da Butt

I've been watching the first season of Sex in the City. Either the show is much more riveting when watching from the beginning or the first season is much better than the rest of the shows. Whatever the case, I've been watching a lot of it.

Last night as I was getting ready to write my entry and checking my notes I saw that I had a couple new comments. on my anal entry. I checked it and giggled. I turned to my husband and explained that he should NOT get excited but that I had written an entry on anal sex and how I was considering doing it again. He raised his hand and waved at me, grin on his face.

I laughed my ass off as I explained to him that a particular guy whom I'd had sex with had written exactly what he was doing. But that, basically, NEITHER of them were in the running because... well... I said LESS well endowed. Which is to say NOT as large as either of THEM.

I can only think of a couple of guys I've slept with who fall into that catagory and should either of them read this or the other entry either before or after I offered them da butt they might be really offended.

Meanwhile, I told husband "But I don't WANT to be the up the butt girl!" Which is a total Sex in the City reference.

Except maybe I do just once this year....

Mmm. Yum.

Today was a day that was.

I was really grumpy.

I saw Ving. I was kind of bitchy. I felt bad for being bitchy with him. It wasn't his fault. I should have apologized but never got the chance.

However, EARLIER in the evening I was talking to Ving. Flirting with him. Someone was standing in my way, talking to him. I interupted. I stepped in front of him and put my arm around him. He responded in kind, his hand finding the small of my back. He rubbed there lightly. I shivered with desire. I felt my body responding. I wanted his hand to move, to explore. I wanted it to stay exactly where it was, rubbing. I wanted to feel him pressed against me. I didn't want to move an inch. Well. Yes, I did.

Instead I broke contact before my face gave away what exactly he was doing to me.

I was tempted to tell him to never ever ever tease me like that again.

Except I really really like it.

Dream

I had a dream about Li this morning. It was a very loooong dream as dreams go and I woke up during it twice.

In the dream Li, Husband, and I went to a movie together. Li, seeing husband and I together, was being moody. He started drinking. The movie ended and Husband kind of disappeared. Li, meanwhile, was completely smashed at this point. He assured me that he was more than capable of driving home since he wasn't THAT drunk. We talked a bit and I flirted with him quite a bit, before finally telling him "clearly you're in no condition to drive. Come home with me."

And he did.

Except by the time we were home he was much more sober and was explaining to me at length something less than sexy. I can't remember exactly what it was but I was rather upset that I wasn't going to be able to get into his pants because he was sobering up so much. He kept talking and I kept thinking that I really desperately wanted this man. It was all I could do to NOT jump him right then and there, protests be damned.

When I woke up I was wet.

How come my dreams are so much like my reality? I just ain't gettin' none from that man.

More phone!

My newest hit counter hit 666 today. I was noticing it this morning thinking it would and how sad I would be to miss it. Except I didn't. I loaded my page and there it was, waiting for me. Awwww. It's since changed. But it was a beautiful thing. The benefit of "not many readers." Not that I'm complaining anyway because it might freak me out to have TOO many people reading.

Anyway, I found a work-related excuse to call Li today. Twice. He didn't answer. Finally (and oddly) as I was on the phone with someone else from work (who was sitting in her car behind me) he called me back. I think he'd called me back before then but my phone gets no reception inside the building I work in. Since I was in the middle of a convo I didn't take the call. However, I ended it very quickly and called him back. We talked for just a couple of minutes.

I do tend to read things into conversations. Perhaps over think things too much. But as he explained to me that he was making "sauce from scratch" I was once again reminded that he most likely thinks I'm looking for a second (replacement) husband rather than someone I can adore and fuck. I mean, seriously "from scratch"? C'mon. Yeah, I was impressed and a little turned on... but the chances of him ever cooking for me? Well, actually, I can see that happening. But let's just pretend for the sake of the story that I don't. The cooking thing is SO domestic and relationship-y.

After the conversation I went back to work and was all smiles and happy. My co-worker looked at me and told me "the trip to get food couldn't have been THAT good... and you certainly didn't get laid in the last 15 minutes... what's up?!?" But I just smiled. Li is such a private person and she absolutely wouldn't understand me wanting to desperately to fuck someone who isn't Husband. So, it's for the best that I keep it to myself.

I texted Li a bit ago telling him that I was pathetically happy after our phone call and that I must surely be about 12 years old. And goodnight.

I should be stopped. Quickly.

It doesn't help that my boss is very much aware of what's TRYING to go on with Li and I and when she mentions it she tells me "you work slow." Which is to say she definately thinks I should be fucking him by now. She's not wrong. Damn.

Except I'd prefer she think that I'm not working on him at ALL.

But that I actually was fucking him by now.

Damn.

Phone

Yesterday Li called me. About work. He left a message since I wasn't anywhere near the phone to hear it when he called. I stared blankly at the phone afterward. Did he really just use my cell # for THAT? Fucker.

I composed a text message back. Then changed my mind. I added his name and number to my phone's memory. Yay.

I considered going in to see him. I changed my mind. Finally, I HAD to go to work to find out my schedule. I looked for his car but didn't see it. But upon entering I could hear his music. He was there alright.

I picked up the item I'd come in for, a mirror, and visited with him for a few minutes. He took the mirror and looked at himself. "I'm getting old," he told me. I looked at him... really looked at him. A few speckles of grey hair right in the front that I'd never noticed. I laughed at him and told him I had my first grey at 17. Although I've never found another since... I also dye my hair fairly regularly. "Is that why?" He asked. Alas, no. I just do it "because."

He touched me. He does that more, now. I don't feel the shock of excitement when he touches me. But I'm very aware of his touch. And of wanting more.

Late last night, my friend called me, too. I talked about Li (whom she's only seen once in passing) and about Ving (whom she knows well) and we giggled together. I felt like I was 14 talking about boys again. I told her, "I love men soooo much." She laughed and told me "I do, too. I just couldn't give them up!" (A reference to her bisexuality).

We giggled more. I hung up with visions of the men in our lives... naked and hard.

I came three times last night.

Pr0n that I'm watching as I type.

I don't watch porn for the bitches. (An affectionate term, I promise).

I rarely watch the porn for the men, either, since so few of the men are actually hot. Or even vaguely attractive to me. Eric Price being an exceptional exception.

Getting back to the subject, my porn finally arrived.

A couple of the scenes involve white women with black men.

Why are all the white women blonde? I'm not blonde. And it's seriously irritating. Sometimes it's okay to see a darker haired female with a black man, you know? I'm just saying.

It's too bad there isn't more of a market for hot asian guys, too. Mmm.

Drifting.

I got really turned on. I wanted to cum.

My mind drifted.

Being bent over the couch, held down, fucked hard. A few stinging slaps on my ass. "Slut, you like my cock fucking you hard, don't you, bitch?" Hands burying themselves in my hair forcing my head back, my body at a weird angle. Entirely devoted to squeezing every ounce of pleasure from the cock pounding away inside me.

I try to envision Li.

Too tender.

Husband's out.

One answer springs to mind. Someone who'd fuck me good and hard, forcing me to bend to him... all the while twisting himself around me.

Lies Lies Lies. Well. Lie.

In the note I just finished writing I wrote "Any sex is better than none at this point" and as soon as I posted it I thought "liar." In truth, I'm being rather picky about the sex I have. Especially right now, during a time of emotional upheaval (having nothing to do with any man at all).

There's a guy who's extremely close to me who has been throwing himself at me with abandon. We even ran into each other at my work, which was funny because as soon as I saw him there I thought "oh, I've seen him here before." However, he has a wife and kids and I don't really approve of the way he's trying to handle things with me. It's just a bad feeling. So, while I COULD be getting laid and he MIGHT be awesome in bed... I've declined a number of times. I'm debating the idea of sleeping with married men at ALL anymore. I mean, with an exception here or there, of course. But declining. It really sucks.

As did turning down DJ's request for a booty call the other day. Oh, that *really* sucked.

But let's just be honest. I still desire Li over all others. And he ain't giving it up. What's it with me finding men who want to play hard to get?!?

Last Pill.

Well, I just took the last pill for this cycle today. Which means my period shall arrive in the next few days. Oh, joy.

Then again, at least it's not as unpleasant as when I'm NOT in the pill. So maybe I won't bitch so much.

Not so much going on. I gave Li my number. He still hasn't called. I gave Ving my e-mail. He never e-mailed me. I gave weird Eric my e-mail... still nothing. I messaged CD to see what he's up to... and got no response. Basically... I'm feeling mightily ignored.

Husband isn't responding to my advances, either. Which is no real surprise. I'm finished making him feel bad for our lack of sex. I tend to push for it but brush it off when I get turned down. I'm not looking for him to think of me and of sex as annoying. So careful I am being. And no sex I am getting.

Damn.

Clearly I owe the man a BJ.

Just not tonight.

Ass!

I swore I'd never have anal again. My body clearly isn't made for it and much as I find it pleasurable there are just too many draw backs... especially after the fact.

But about once a year or so I just crave the fuck out of it. I want to try again.

But maybe this time with someone not so generously endowed....

Mourning.

I have a very ill friend. I spent the better part of yesterday and the day before in mourning for her near passing. Yesterday, Li was there. I tried to comfort me. Men are funny. It's that awkward back pat... repeatitively. Too fast. Too hard. Me, mentally: Calm the fuck down, dude!

I rested my head on his shoulder. I cried just a little. And then I realised I was pressed rather intimately against the guy who's body I want more than anyone else's right now. Oh. My. I'm grieving, remember? Oh, but he feels so.... STOP!

I moved away. Trying hard not to give away my response. Inappropriate moment.

I'm still stuck on the feel of his body. Softer than I thought. Less wall-like. Good. Warm. Too clothed.

But the awkward, too hard, too fast pat. Is that how he'll touch me? Hmm. I hate having to tell a guy to slow down.

Lap Dance

Well, the old barbell (my new toy I've mentioned a few times) is getting rave reviews from me. Sore and uncomfortable though I was from my extremely lengthy play time with it the other night I absolutely could NOT resist using it again last night for my orgasm. And it was a quick, great one. I have no complaints on that front. Why, I'm practically satisified with just that! Well, practically.

I was dressed in only my underwear when I approached my husband. I sat on his lap as he reclined and gave him something of a lap dance. His hands moved to my hips as I leaned back against his chest. "You know, I do these things to you that I don't do to ANYONE else and I swear you don't appreciate it." I tend to think if one of my other lovers were relaxed on the sofa with my mostly naked body rubbing suggestively over his it wouldn't be long until I had cock inside of me SOMEWHERE. Husband began caressing my hips and butt, saying nothing.

The attention felt good.

He was clearly disinterested in sex.

I left him alone.

I need to learn to be so slutty and demanding for my lovers. Without shame or embarassment. The sooner the better.

The new toy.

Last night was certainly eventful. And kind of sad. And entirely joyful.

Shortly after I got my new toy I threw it in some boiling water, cooled it off, and slipped it inside myself. Oh, yes. First off, I'm really not sure I "get" the exercises I'm supposed to be doing with it. I don't understand why it's weighted. Or why it's supposedly any better than any other dildo at helping me exercise my PC muscles.

However.

It's unique shape certainly is something to write home about.

I spent at least an hour having really incredibly atheletic sex... with myself. By the time I was done I was shaking a little... over heated ... sweating hard.... My entire body wanted to go limp. And today... I'm sore all over.

You see, I've never had an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. This remains the case. But without question I was really fucking close. More than once. When I felt it I couldn't stop. I had to drive myself over the edge. I HAD to make myself cum this way. I concentrated. I tried concentrating on porn. On my breathing. Closing my eyes and concentrating on the sensation. I tried distracting myself by grabbing my breast, hard. Nothing. But it all felt SO fucking GOOD. How could I stop that pleasure?

Finally, I just HAD to cum. I couldn't wait anymore. Surprisingly, worn out and completely turned on as I was, the orgasm wasn't that great. I'm not complaining. I've had lots of better orgasms with my lovers, lately. But the overall experience was AWESOME.

Were it not for the fact that the inside of my pussy is still swollen and tender from the long night of masturbation I'd be doing it again. I woke up horny, arching my hips to the ghostly lovers of my dreams.

I need more.

Mentally Disabled.

Li was at work today. It was a rather uneventful day. Not much flirting (there were far too many people around to get "intimate"). It was disappointing at best.

However, toward the end of the day he gave me the phone number for his work so I could leave a message there asking for him to be sent back later during the week. No problem. I call. This was my message:

Hi this is (me) calling from (my work). I'd appreciate it if you'd please send (Li) back to us later on in the week. Please call me back tomorrow and let me know if he'll be available. I work from Nine to... wait... I work from one thirty to... no... one... shoot. I don't know what time I work. Okay, I work from one to close. So if you could please give me a call back our number is (numbers here). Thanks.

*sigh* I went and told Li about it before he heard about it from the person I left the message for.

While Li was giving me the work number I looked at it and said "you know that's NOT the number I want from you."

"Ask and ye shall receive" he told me.

Then he handed me the work number. The phone call above ensued. And about that time he left.

I was talking to my husband about this. And I suddenly said, "oh, shit. He was telling me if I asked him for his home number he'd give it to me, wasn't he?"

This is the mental capacity I'm fighting against on a daily basis. I'm clearly too stupid to get any.

The deleted entry.

Blogger certainly wanted nothing to do with me last night. Nor the entry I tried to post which it disappeared. Hmph.

Anyway, as I was trying to say last night...

Li will be at work today. Yay. Unfortunately, so will my boss for most of the day, which means I can't hang all over him all day. Maybe it's for the best. Much as I want me some of that I shouldn't probably HAVE any of it.

Saturday night I finally gave in and ordered a bunch more porn DVDs off the 'net. I'm rather tired of the crappy quality and length of the vids online so I say "fuck it" and buy my own. Quality control.

Husband explained to me that he's happy with the porn he downloads off the 'net. "Just use your p2p software and search for whatever porn you want... then download the big stuff. Works for me." Hmm. So, last night in desperate need of some stimulation I snuck over to his computer and borrowed the use of his porn. That worked. Nicely. Of course, I had to "put everything back" as it was. Almost made the mistake of leaving my lube next to his computer. That would have been a dead give away if anything ever was. Not that he'd have been super mad but he might have been a little. We pretty much don't mess around with one another's computers without a damned good reason.

Also last night I stared at husband for a while before telling him, "you know, sometimes I just want you to push me over the back of the couch and fuck me hard." I demonstrated, fully clothed. He came up behind me, carrying one of the dogs and planted him on my back, laughing. Ah, that's my darling husband. Takes me SO seriously.

Just how I like it. Now, can we pleeaaase have sex?

Mmm. Porn.

It occured to me that there was absolutely no way to broach the subject of Ving being the person who searched me up and checked out this site without putting the idea into his head were he not the person in question. Therefore, if you're the person in question please let me know that you're not him because that'd be very helpful. Otherwise... well... I still can't assume it's him. Damn.

I also discovered, though, that so long as he continues to treat me about the same as he has it doesn't really MATTER if he reads this. Which I think I knew before.

On a completely unrelated subject I went on a small buying spree and picked out a handful of porn movies and bought them online. I'm waiting impatiently for them to arrive. No question they won't be quality but at least they'll be longer than the majority of the clips I come across online. And I have a touch more control over the content. Now I have to wait for those, TOO. Damn. No clue when those'll arrive, alas.

I need some stimulation!

Well then.

I saw Ving today. I wonder if he would be (is?) offended by that nickname. He said he tried to e-mail me. It all bounced back. Of course it did. I messed up the damned address. So I gave him another. Not much flirting today. Some. He said a couple of very norty things to me. I considered telling him not to tease me as I can't take it. Except I can. I'm not even sure that if he were serious I'd WANT to sleep with him. It'd be weird. Him and I. Ah, well. Still fun to flirt.

I'm still hacking mercilously. I dream that some day I shall be hale and healthy again. And busily fucking anyone I can get my hands on because I want it a hell of a lot more often than I been getting it.

Still no toy. I guess I do have to wait until Monday. DAMMIT.

It's Saturnday

Let's see... what does this day have in store for me? Lots of work. Definately. Maybe I'll see Ving (ah, I remembered his nickname). Or maybe not. I often don't see him each week. Even if I do, though, we'll both be busy so I won't even get to talk to him. Which is fine because I'm vaguely offended that he never e-mailed me. Of course, I gave him the WRONG address so maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe. How hard is it to figure out that the major free-e-mail service's addresses end in .com instead of .net (like I wrote)? I shall try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Gotta stick to what I KNOW.

And what I know is that I have too many e-mail addresses if I can mess up that easily.

I'm also hopeful my new toy will show up today instead of Monday. It's in the city, now. So it just has to make it out here... can it do it on a Saturday?!? Do they deliver on Saturdays?!?

Am I impatient after having argued with myself for so long over whether to even buy the thing? Oh, yes!

New Toy

Thursday morning before I left for work I (on the spur of the moment) purchased this little baby. It's something that's caught my attention in the past and I finally said "fuck it, bring it on!"

Besides the obvious reason to buy which is merely for variety, I figured the increased PC strength wouldn't hurt either for myself or my lovers. Also, I was vaguely curious about glass and the heat/cold aspect of it. However, glass is so... breakable. Steel is an obvious substitute.

I bought the 2 day shipping but apparently I still have to wait until Monday. In fact, it took almost 12 hours for the thing to be marked as having left the California shipping facility. Damn. I'm so impatient.

On the positive side, Li will be in on Monday and I'll be getting the new toy the same day. It shall be hard pressed to BE a better day.

Booty Call

DJ called me last night. Only one reason for that.

Unfortunately, I'm really sick. It's one thing to have sex with Husband when I'm hacking so hard I'm puking. It's another to go to bed with someone I'm still hoping to impress.

There are not many times I've been more frustrated over being sick than I was last night.

And I'm doing only marginally better, now.

Being sick is NOT sexy.

Damn!

Someone looked me up on yahoo by my blogging name (OdalisqueK). Someone went through and read my archives. Damn. Probably someone I know.

I should be prepared to be utterly embarassed, right?