Mmm. Yum.

Today was a day that was.

I was really grumpy.

I saw Ving. I was kind of bitchy. I felt bad for being bitchy with him. It wasn't his fault. I should have apologized but never got the chance.

However, EARLIER in the evening I was talking to Ving. Flirting with him. Someone was standing in my way, talking to him. I interupted. I stepped in front of him and put my arm around him. He responded in kind, his hand finding the small of my back. He rubbed there lightly. I shivered with desire. I felt my body responding. I wanted his hand to move, to explore. I wanted it to stay exactly where it was, rubbing. I wanted to feel him pressed against me. I didn't want to move an inch. Well. Yes, I did.

Instead I broke contact before my face gave away what exactly he was doing to me.

I was tempted to tell him to never ever ever tease me like that again.

Except I really really like it.

Dream

I had a dream about Li this morning. It was a very loooong dream as dreams go and I woke up during it twice.

In the dream Li, Husband, and I went to a movie together. Li, seeing husband and I together, was being moody. He started drinking. The movie ended and Husband kind of disappeared. Li, meanwhile, was completely smashed at this point. He assured me that he was more than capable of driving home since he wasn't THAT drunk. We talked a bit and I flirted with him quite a bit, before finally telling him "clearly you're in no condition to drive. Come home with me."

And he did.

Except by the time we were home he was much more sober and was explaining to me at length something less than sexy. I can't remember exactly what it was but I was rather upset that I wasn't going to be able to get into his pants because he was sobering up so much. He kept talking and I kept thinking that I really desperately wanted this man. It was all I could do to NOT jump him right then and there, protests be damned.

When I woke up I was wet.

How come my dreams are so much like my reality? I just ain't gettin' none from that man.

More phone!

My newest hit counter hit 666 today. I was noticing it this morning thinking it would and how sad I would be to miss it. Except I didn't. I loaded my page and there it was, waiting for me. Awwww. It's since changed. But it was a beautiful thing. The benefit of "not many readers." Not that I'm complaining anyway because it might freak me out to have TOO many people reading.

Anyway, I found a work-related excuse to call Li today. Twice. He didn't answer. Finally (and oddly) as I was on the phone with someone else from work (who was sitting in her car behind me) he called me back. I think he'd called me back before then but my phone gets no reception inside the building I work in. Since I was in the middle of a convo I didn't take the call. However, I ended it very quickly and called him back. We talked for just a couple of minutes.

I do tend to read things into conversations. Perhaps over think things too much. But as he explained to me that he was making "sauce from scratch" I was once again reminded that he most likely thinks I'm looking for a second (replacement) husband rather than someone I can adore and fuck. I mean, seriously "from scratch"? C'mon. Yeah, I was impressed and a little turned on... but the chances of him ever cooking for me? Well, actually, I can see that happening. But let's just pretend for the sake of the story that I don't. The cooking thing is SO domestic and relationship-y.

After the conversation I went back to work and was all smiles and happy. My co-worker looked at me and told me "the trip to get food couldn't have been THAT good... and you certainly didn't get laid in the last 15 minutes... what's up?!?" But I just smiled. Li is such a private person and she absolutely wouldn't understand me wanting to desperately to fuck someone who isn't Husband. So, it's for the best that I keep it to myself.

I texted Li a bit ago telling him that I was pathetically happy after our phone call and that I must surely be about 12 years old. And goodnight.

I should be stopped. Quickly.

It doesn't help that my boss is very much aware of what's TRYING to go on with Li and I and when she mentions it she tells me "you work slow." Which is to say she definately thinks I should be fucking him by now. She's not wrong. Damn.

Except I'd prefer she think that I'm not working on him at ALL.

But that I actually was fucking him by now.

Damn.

Phone

Yesterday Li called me. About work. He left a message since I wasn't anywhere near the phone to hear it when he called. I stared blankly at the phone afterward. Did he really just use my cell # for THAT? Fucker.

I composed a text message back. Then changed my mind. I added his name and number to my phone's memory. Yay.

I considered going in to see him. I changed my mind. Finally, I HAD to go to work to find out my schedule. I looked for his car but didn't see it. But upon entering I could hear his music. He was there alright.

I picked up the item I'd come in for, a mirror, and visited with him for a few minutes. He took the mirror and looked at himself. "I'm getting old," he told me. I looked at him... really looked at him. A few speckles of grey hair right in the front that I'd never noticed. I laughed at him and told him I had my first grey at 17. Although I've never found another since... I also dye my hair fairly regularly. "Is that why?" He asked. Alas, no. I just do it "because."

He touched me. He does that more, now. I don't feel the shock of excitement when he touches me. But I'm very aware of his touch. And of wanting more.

Late last night, my friend called me, too. I talked about Li (whom she's only seen once in passing) and about Ving (whom she knows well) and we giggled together. I felt like I was 14 talking about boys again. I told her, "I love men soooo much." She laughed and told me "I do, too. I just couldn't give them up!" (A reference to her bisexuality).

We giggled more. I hung up with visions of the men in our lives... naked and hard.

I came three times last night.

Pr0n that I'm watching as I type.

I don't watch porn for the bitches. (An affectionate term, I promise).

I rarely watch the porn for the men, either, since so few of the men are actually hot. Or even vaguely attractive to me. Eric Price being an exceptional exception.

Getting back to the subject, my porn finally arrived.

A couple of the scenes involve white women with black men.

Why are all the white women blonde? I'm not blonde. And it's seriously irritating. Sometimes it's okay to see a darker haired female with a black man, you know? I'm just saying.

It's too bad there isn't more of a market for hot asian guys, too. Mmm.

Drifting.

I got really turned on. I wanted to cum.

My mind drifted.

Being bent over the couch, held down, fucked hard. A few stinging slaps on my ass. "Slut, you like my cock fucking you hard, don't you, bitch?" Hands burying themselves in my hair forcing my head back, my body at a weird angle. Entirely devoted to squeezing every ounce of pleasure from the cock pounding away inside me.

I try to envision Li.

Too tender.

Husband's out.

One answer springs to mind. Someone who'd fuck me good and hard, forcing me to bend to him... all the while twisting himself around me.

Lies Lies Lies. Well. Lie.

In the note I just finished writing I wrote "Any sex is better than none at this point" and as soon as I posted it I thought "liar." In truth, I'm being rather picky about the sex I have. Especially right now, during a time of emotional upheaval (having nothing to do with any man at all).

There's a guy who's extremely close to me who has been throwing himself at me with abandon. We even ran into each other at my work, which was funny because as soon as I saw him there I thought "oh, I've seen him here before." However, he has a wife and kids and I don't really approve of the way he's trying to handle things with me. It's just a bad feeling. So, while I COULD be getting laid and he MIGHT be awesome in bed... I've declined a number of times. I'm debating the idea of sleeping with married men at ALL anymore. I mean, with an exception here or there, of course. But declining. It really sucks.

As did turning down DJ's request for a booty call the other day. Oh, that *really* sucked.

But let's just be honest. I still desire Li over all others. And he ain't giving it up. What's it with me finding men who want to play hard to get?!?

Last Pill.

Well, I just took the last pill for this cycle today. Which means my period shall arrive in the next few days. Oh, joy.

Then again, at least it's not as unpleasant as when I'm NOT in the pill. So maybe I won't bitch so much.

Not so much going on. I gave Li my number. He still hasn't called. I gave Ving my e-mail. He never e-mailed me. I gave weird Eric my e-mail... still nothing. I messaged CD to see what he's up to... and got no response. Basically... I'm feeling mightily ignored.

Husband isn't responding to my advances, either. Which is no real surprise. I'm finished making him feel bad for our lack of sex. I tend to push for it but brush it off when I get turned down. I'm not looking for him to think of me and of sex as annoying. So careful I am being. And no sex I am getting.

Damn.

Clearly I owe the man a BJ.

Just not tonight.

Ass!

I swore I'd never have anal again. My body clearly isn't made for it and much as I find it pleasurable there are just too many draw backs... especially after the fact.

But about once a year or so I just crave the fuck out of it. I want to try again.

But maybe this time with someone not so generously endowed....

Mourning.

I have a very ill friend. I spent the better part of yesterday and the day before in mourning for her near passing. Yesterday, Li was there. I tried to comfort me. Men are funny. It's that awkward back pat... repeatitively. Too fast. Too hard. Me, mentally: Calm the fuck down, dude!

I rested my head on his shoulder. I cried just a little. And then I realised I was pressed rather intimately against the guy who's body I want more than anyone else's right now. Oh. My. I'm grieving, remember? Oh, but he feels so.... STOP!

I moved away. Trying hard not to give away my response. Inappropriate moment.

I'm still stuck on the feel of his body. Softer than I thought. Less wall-like. Good. Warm. Too clothed.

But the awkward, too hard, too fast pat. Is that how he'll touch me? Hmm. I hate having to tell a guy to slow down.

Lap Dance

Well, the old barbell (my new toy I've mentioned a few times) is getting rave reviews from me. Sore and uncomfortable though I was from my extremely lengthy play time with it the other night I absolutely could NOT resist using it again last night for my orgasm. And it was a quick, great one. I have no complaints on that front. Why, I'm practically satisified with just that! Well, practically.

I was dressed in only my underwear when I approached my husband. I sat on his lap as he reclined and gave him something of a lap dance. His hands moved to my hips as I leaned back against his chest. "You know, I do these things to you that I don't do to ANYONE else and I swear you don't appreciate it." I tend to think if one of my other lovers were relaxed on the sofa with my mostly naked body rubbing suggestively over his it wouldn't be long until I had cock inside of me SOMEWHERE. Husband began caressing my hips and butt, saying nothing.

The attention felt good.

He was clearly disinterested in sex.

I left him alone.

I need to learn to be so slutty and demanding for my lovers. Without shame or embarassment. The sooner the better.

The new toy.

Last night was certainly eventful. And kind of sad. And entirely joyful.

Shortly after I got my new toy I threw it in some boiling water, cooled it off, and slipped it inside myself. Oh, yes. First off, I'm really not sure I "get" the exercises I'm supposed to be doing with it. I don't understand why it's weighted. Or why it's supposedly any better than any other dildo at helping me exercise my PC muscles.

However.

It's unique shape certainly is something to write home about.

I spent at least an hour having really incredibly atheletic sex... with myself. By the time I was done I was shaking a little... over heated ... sweating hard.... My entire body wanted to go limp. And today... I'm sore all over.

You see, I've never had an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. This remains the case. But without question I was really fucking close. More than once. When I felt it I couldn't stop. I had to drive myself over the edge. I HAD to make myself cum this way. I concentrated. I tried concentrating on porn. On my breathing. Closing my eyes and concentrating on the sensation. I tried distracting myself by grabbing my breast, hard. Nothing. But it all felt SO fucking GOOD. How could I stop that pleasure?

Finally, I just HAD to cum. I couldn't wait anymore. Surprisingly, worn out and completely turned on as I was, the orgasm wasn't that great. I'm not complaining. I've had lots of better orgasms with my lovers, lately. But the overall experience was AWESOME.

Were it not for the fact that the inside of my pussy is still swollen and tender from the long night of masturbation I'd be doing it again. I woke up horny, arching my hips to the ghostly lovers of my dreams.

I need more.

Mentally Disabled.

Li was at work today. It was a rather uneventful day. Not much flirting (there were far too many people around to get "intimate"). It was disappointing at best.

However, toward the end of the day he gave me the phone number for his work so I could leave a message there asking for him to be sent back later during the week. No problem. I call. This was my message:

Hi this is (me) calling from (my work). I'd appreciate it if you'd please send (Li) back to us later on in the week. Please call me back tomorrow and let me know if he'll be available. I work from Nine to... wait... I work from one thirty to... no... one... shoot. I don't know what time I work. Okay, I work from one to close. So if you could please give me a call back our number is (numbers here). Thanks.

*sigh* I went and told Li about it before he heard about it from the person I left the message for.

While Li was giving me the work number I looked at it and said "you know that's NOT the number I want from you."

"Ask and ye shall receive" he told me.

Then he handed me the work number. The phone call above ensued. And about that time he left.

I was talking to my husband about this. And I suddenly said, "oh, shit. He was telling me if I asked him for his home number he'd give it to me, wasn't he?"

This is the mental capacity I'm fighting against on a daily basis. I'm clearly too stupid to get any.

The deleted entry.

Blogger certainly wanted nothing to do with me last night. Nor the entry I tried to post which it disappeared. Hmph.

Anyway, as I was trying to say last night...

Li will be at work today. Yay. Unfortunately, so will my boss for most of the day, which means I can't hang all over him all day. Maybe it's for the best. Much as I want me some of that I shouldn't probably HAVE any of it.

Saturday night I finally gave in and ordered a bunch more porn DVDs off the 'net. I'm rather tired of the crappy quality and length of the vids online so I say "fuck it" and buy my own. Quality control.

Husband explained to me that he's happy with the porn he downloads off the 'net. "Just use your p2p software and search for whatever porn you want... then download the big stuff. Works for me." Hmm. So, last night in desperate need of some stimulation I snuck over to his computer and borrowed the use of his porn. That worked. Nicely. Of course, I had to "put everything back" as it was. Almost made the mistake of leaving my lube next to his computer. That would have been a dead give away if anything ever was. Not that he'd have been super mad but he might have been a little. We pretty much don't mess around with one another's computers without a damned good reason.

Also last night I stared at husband for a while before telling him, "you know, sometimes I just want you to push me over the back of the couch and fuck me hard." I demonstrated, fully clothed. He came up behind me, carrying one of the dogs and planted him on my back, laughing. Ah, that's my darling husband. Takes me SO seriously.

Just how I like it. Now, can we pleeaaase have sex?

Mmm. Porn.

It occured to me that there was absolutely no way to broach the subject of Ving being the person who searched me up and checked out this site without putting the idea into his head were he not the person in question. Therefore, if you're the person in question please let me know that you're not him because that'd be very helpful. Otherwise... well... I still can't assume it's him. Damn.

I also discovered, though, that so long as he continues to treat me about the same as he has it doesn't really MATTER if he reads this. Which I think I knew before.

On a completely unrelated subject I went on a small buying spree and picked out a handful of porn movies and bought them online. I'm waiting impatiently for them to arrive. No question they won't be quality but at least they'll be longer than the majority of the clips I come across online. And I have a touch more control over the content. Now I have to wait for those, TOO. Damn. No clue when those'll arrive, alas.

I need some stimulation!

Well then.

I saw Ving today. I wonder if he would be (is?) offended by that nickname. He said he tried to e-mail me. It all bounced back. Of course it did. I messed up the damned address. So I gave him another. Not much flirting today. Some. He said a couple of very norty things to me. I considered telling him not to tease me as I can't take it. Except I can. I'm not even sure that if he were serious I'd WANT to sleep with him. It'd be weird. Him and I. Ah, well. Still fun to flirt.

I'm still hacking mercilously. I dream that some day I shall be hale and healthy again. And busily fucking anyone I can get my hands on because I want it a hell of a lot more often than I been getting it.

Still no toy. I guess I do have to wait until Monday. DAMMIT.

It's Saturnday

Let's see... what does this day have in store for me? Lots of work. Definately. Maybe I'll see Ving (ah, I remembered his nickname). Or maybe not. I often don't see him each week. Even if I do, though, we'll both be busy so I won't even get to talk to him. Which is fine because I'm vaguely offended that he never e-mailed me. Of course, I gave him the WRONG address so maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe. How hard is it to figure out that the major free-e-mail service's addresses end in .com instead of .net (like I wrote)? I shall try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Gotta stick to what I KNOW.

And what I know is that I have too many e-mail addresses if I can mess up that easily.

I'm also hopeful my new toy will show up today instead of Monday. It's in the city, now. So it just has to make it out here... can it do it on a Saturday?!? Do they deliver on Saturdays?!?

Am I impatient after having argued with myself for so long over whether to even buy the thing? Oh, yes!

New Toy

Thursday morning before I left for work I (on the spur of the moment) purchased this little baby. It's something that's caught my attention in the past and I finally said "fuck it, bring it on!"

Besides the obvious reason to buy which is merely for variety, I figured the increased PC strength wouldn't hurt either for myself or my lovers. Also, I was vaguely curious about glass and the heat/cold aspect of it. However, glass is so... breakable. Steel is an obvious substitute.

I bought the 2 day shipping but apparently I still have to wait until Monday. In fact, it took almost 12 hours for the thing to be marked as having left the California shipping facility. Damn. I'm so impatient.

On the positive side, Li will be in on Monday and I'll be getting the new toy the same day. It shall be hard pressed to BE a better day.

Booty Call

DJ called me last night. Only one reason for that.

Unfortunately, I'm really sick. It's one thing to have sex with Husband when I'm hacking so hard I'm puking. It's another to go to bed with someone I'm still hoping to impress.

There are not many times I've been more frustrated over being sick than I was last night.

And I'm doing only marginally better, now.

Being sick is NOT sexy.

Damn!

Someone looked me up on yahoo by my blogging name (OdalisqueK). Someone went through and read my archives. Damn. Probably someone I know.

I should be prepared to be utterly embarassed, right?