I had the pleasure of seeing my new crush at work yesterday. It's so funny to me the way I look at him. He's not a super-hot guy. I'm not even convinced he's a hot guy. And yet, it matters not much at all to me. I'm aware of it and yet completely unaffected in my lust. I think it's because he reminds me of EB, my lover from a while back. I haven't heard from EB since before I left the East coast, although I keep an eye out for him online. He was a great guy just to talk to and he was nice in bed (with a distinct possibility of being kinky). However, I think EB found himself a full-time girlfriend and therefore dropped all his non-monogamous friends. I digress.

So I think my new crush reminds me of EB. And I think that's a lot of what keeps me looking at him with a little lust in my eyes. Although most of it has to do with the way he touched me. I keep trying to put myself in the position to be touched by him again. Often. But it's just not happening. Anyway, isn't it wrong to take sexual pleasure from someone's unknowing touch? I'm not convinced he's completely unknowing, however. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.

Really

Really, I wasn't begging for notes or folks telling me they read. It's almost better NOT to know for sure. Then I can imagine I have hundreds of thousands of readers. Or just one or two. The later making it easier to write for myself rather than worrying about the opinions of the masses. Although I appreciate you all, no doubt.

So what do I have to write about now?

I was mulling over how very boring my life has become and my lack of an interesting sex life when it occurred to me that it really wasn't all THAT long ago I was sleeping with a couple other guys and found the experiences to be somewhat lacking. Not bad, for the most part... but not great, either. However, I somehow managed to forget I even HAD them. I was bemoaning the fact that I haven't gotten properly laid in years... except it's really only been something like half a year, which is really not that long of a stretch for me. So helllllllo drama queen....

So unfortunately for me, most of the guys who come into my store are either (very) old or grizzled or both. My regulars are pretty much fifty-somethings who've spent far too much time in the sun, which really does nothing for me. Yesterday a very, very hot guy came into the store but I had absolutely no contact with him.

My crush, the guy who works with me, once again managed to completely avoid being around me at all. I think I worked next to him for about 2 minutes and the entire time I was freezing my ass off as the doors next to me kept opening letting in the gusts of cold air from outside. I told him I never would have chosen that register if I'd known how cold it was and he offered to lend me his coat. *swoon* Okay, maybe not. I declined and he ended up getting sent elsewhere very, very shortly after... and that was that.

Q&A

Two recent questions have come up, so I'll go ahead and address them now.

First and foremost, I have an email address on my profile. I did NOT have one there before, but I've fixed that situation. I used to have one on my sidebar but, with the switch to new blogger I never bothered to put it back since I think in the years I've had this blog I've recieved something like a grand total of 6 emails, including the ones I received in the back-and-forth exchanges via email. However, it's there again to be further ignored by my 2 1/2 readers.

Which brings me to another point, (which was never a question) I totally ditched the stat-counter I used to have. New Blogger kicked it off my page and I've been far too lazy to replace it. So other than a few notes now and and again I have no idea who's reading my page or how often or even who's linking here. I only just discovered yesterday that Lola On... put me on her list of blogs she reads. I'm not sure WHY, I never asked for a reciprocal link and don't think I'm interesting enough for most people but hey, I'll take it. So if anyone else has linked to me and I haven't even bothered to look at your page... well... you know why. It's not personal. I'm link-blind and I'm still debating whether my life is better or worse for it.

Lastly, I was asked about whether I ever found a use for the collar. Why yes, my dog is infinately more obediant just having it on. After the first couple of mild shocks (at the exact same level my husband and I tested it on ourselves using) he's become far more responsive to our commands at the dog park. We actually haven't shocked him since the first day, although it's unlikely that'll last forever. So, yeah, no dog fights in the last few visits.

As for mentioning my curiosity about it as a sex toy, no I never did try it. Not because I'm afraid of it (well only near the metal on my nipples) but because I do have that previously mentioned aversion for sharing my sex toys with my dogs. So very, very few dirty thoughts about the collar have occured since the first day. I still threaten to use it on my husband when he's being disobedient but otherwise, it's pretty much out of range sexually. Which isn't to say I'm not, now, electrically curious. I don't want to get hurt... just... stung. But that's always been my near obsession.

I have this desire to TRY things, but maybe not go all out. I think I'll enjoy them but can't prove it since no one has been willing (or able) to share that particular interest with me to this point. I was wandering through the store I work in the other day and came across some pieces of wood that looked like rulers or paint stir sticks and found myself slapping my hand with it thoughtfully. Mild sting... cheap.... Ah, pervertables. Surely something that's been tried and abandoned by many a kinkster.... but not yet by me.

Okay, okay

I admit that I'm somewhat pathetic. The new boy (who appears to work, like, one day a week) was at the store today. Unfortunately, I didn't get to work near him the entire day. Somehow we ended up on very different schedules and when I tried to get myself moved to work next to him again, he ended up moved elsewhere. So I pretty much missed him for the entire day except for a brief moment when I took over the register he'd been using. He came back because he forgot something and ended up standing very close to me, touching me in that familiar, intimate way that's making me go a little crazy. This time we were almost front to front and I couldn't resist looking up at him... letting myself imagine, for a moment, his mouth... before I remembered that I was at work. Dammit.

I'm working on it being a reasonably nice week. I feel kind of pretty lately. Like maybe a glow a little. I'm still stressed out. But not like I have been. I'm reasonably happy on a daily basis. God only knows why.

Although I did have a dream last night that I got a DUI. It woke me about 20 minutes before my alarm went off and I lay there wondering what the hell that dream was about.

Why oh why can't I just dream about sex?!?

Total loss.

Late on Tuesday night (could have even been Wednesday morning) I realized it was Valentine's day. As I sat there at a computer in someone else's house I knew exactly how I'd be spending my Valentine's day.

The next day my husband and I dressed up, he in his pants, crisp white tailored shirt, and tie, and myself in pants and button down shirt, both of us dressed more carefully than we had been in months. I tied his tie for him and adjusted the tuck of his shirt, at his request. And then we headed out to the funeral.

I must say, of all the Valentine's day outings I can think of, this was perhaps the least expected and certainly not what I would have chosen had it been up to me. The day was certainly a complete and total loss. However, I never expect (or want) much for Valentine's day and it was nice to see my husband so carefully dressed.

The night before I spent part of the evening being both disgusted by and very attracted to one of my husband's relatives. I've always been attracted to him since he's a handsome guy with great flirting skills. He takes flirting from a hobby to a seemingly well planned seduction. I'm envious of his ability to manipulate me so well, even when I know what he's doing. However, my sense of self preservation keeps me from responding. Not to mention my continuing distaste for much of what he does in his life.

But oh, if he weren't family....

Why am I awake?

I have a bunch of stress going on having to do with a funeral (for someone I could pretty much not care less about) and the family's inability to make a concrete decision about anything. I waited for two days before finding out for sure what was going on at which point I told my place of work when I'd need to be off... and then the family changed the fucking date. So on my day off I get to go in to work and return the keys I accidentally took home with me and then see what's going on with the schedule. I'm fucking irritated.

AND I found my first grey hair in 10 years. I plucked it out, staring at it disbelievingly. What the fuck?


There are at least three men I look at lustfully while I'm at work. One I see hardly ever at all and I don't know why the fuck I find myself wanting to get into his pants. It's very obviously more about the way he acts than anything else. I found myself considering the way his hair would stick to the nape of his neck as he fucked me. I'm not the world's biggest fan of sweat... but the visualization was strong. Another reminds me very much of the guy who used to stand in front of me at the bus stop when I was in high school. A guy who sexy broad shoulders. The one that made me obsessed with sexy broad shoulders. This guy has them, too. And he's funny. And a good teacher, one of the few (only?) people I've ever worked with who not only knows his stuff but is very good at teaching it to others without coming across as a know-it-all. I find myself wondering what else he's knowledgeable about... and wanting very much to find out. The third I mentioned recently. The new boy who may or may not be as sexy as I think he is. I didn't see him today.

A guy came in who looked very much like Nils. Similar uniform and everything. I had to do a double-take. But it wasn't him at all. It never will be.

And I got to flirt with another customer. I'm trying to remember how. I asked him for his number (as is my job). He declined, with some comment about me calling him. I reminded him it wasn't for personal use then added that perhaps it could be afterall. "My wife wouldn't like that much," he said with a grin. I whispered back "she wouldn't have to know." "I've heard that before," he told me. Which sent me into a fit of giggles. I bet he has. I never did get his number.

Excuses.

I kind of thing of myself as somewhat progressive about some things. Which is the most useless sentence I may have ever written. What I'm trying to say is that I think of myself as being fairly sexually free. I still have my "issues" (spades of them) but for the most part other than an occasional "squick" and a few "that is NOT for me" thoughts I'm pretty okay with other people's sex lives and their choices therein.

However, things I'm NOT particularly into... watching two people have live sex while not participating myself. Now, watching two (or more) people have sex on camera in a video is FINE with me. Perfectly FINE.

The thing that kind of freaks me out... having the people I've watched have sex on camera actually comment on my blog. Oh. My. God. It's both a cool brush with "celebrity" and an unexpected melding of fantasy and reality. It'd be one thing if it'd been something more cerebral... but I ought to just be honest and admit (joyfully) that I came a couple of times. So to actually have any sort of real contact at ALL with the folks I've come to is... well, it's mind boggling to me.

Anyway, so I sat down after watching the movie the first time and started writing a review. I watched it again and wrote just a bit more. And then came across the comment the couple left on my blog. And then I stopped writing either the review or in my blog at all. Because I was distracted by real life, not inspired to write, and of course somewhat freaked out knowing that the couple could (and maybe WOULD) read my review. I mean, shoot, it's like writing a review of someone's sex life. Obviously, it's NOT... but well... you can see how I'd think of it that way. So I had to rethink it. Bad enough to be pretty sure that Tony Comstock would read it, worse to have the "characters" do so as well.

Not that I have too much bad to say. Just a couple of things I would have preferred.... really more in a "if it had been up to me" kind of critique which is actually pretty fucking awesome compared to any other porn I've seen. But it still gave me pause.

Anyway, maybe I'll write it. Maybe not. No big deal either way, really. Not like anyone's waiting for it. But that's my excuse for the long delay. Well, several excuses.

...crush?

So I met a new boy at work. And you know, I didn't gaze longingly at him but I think he's okay looking. Familiarity will either change that to thinking he's desperately sexy or utterly revolting. In the future, I'll either look at what I'm about to write with a wry smile or with a sneer of disgust. But, what can I say? It's that time of the month and I'm horny.

There's a register at work that's partially broken. They still insist on making people work at that register. Today it was him. Each register shares a horse-shoe shaped counter with another register so we mostly stand back to back (far apart enough to not touch). However, because the register he was at is broken he kept having to come over to mine to finish his transactions. Which is to say he would stand very close behind me, sometimes. Occasionally, his hand would touch me here or there on my side or back either to guide me a bit out of his way or to make me aware of his presence so I wouldn't run into him. And I found it fucking erotic as hell.

I have this minor obsession with being touched and held and caressed and fucked from behind. Maybe it's a bit of my own selfishness (oops, can't reach you, guess you'll have to concentrate on ME) and maybe it's a bit of my own shyness(you can't see me so I can just utterly relax and give into the sensations) but it's an important part of my fantasies. So every time he'd touch me I'd find myself silently and inconspicuously aroused. It was really, really nice. We talked very briefly and he seems like he might be a really cool guy.

Not that I want to get my meat where I get my bread. But. You KNOW how much I enjoy a good flirtation with a sexy guy.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night apparently dreaming about Sam. It made me sad to think I won't probably ever see him again. I guess I'm still mourning him a little. I really liked him. Which, of course, made me think of Nils. *sigh*

Collar

Today we went to the store and bought an electric collar for one of our dogs. I've never been a fan of the collars for but have recently discovered that it's possibly much safer for my dog (and other dogs) for him to have the collar than to have him attacking other (smaller) dogs at the dog park and getting hit by other dogs' owners (as happened last week) when he tries to jump up and take a chunk of fur out of their precious poodles. Generally he's great with other dogs but out of ever 50 he meets, one ends up being a problem for him and he's nearly impossible to control at great distances, so we're hoping this will help. Okay, okay, enough of the defense of the collar.

So, we brought it home and charged it and I immediately had to try it. There's no way in hell I'm going to put something like that on my dog without testing it on myself first. Needless to say after the initial fear of even trying it, and the initial shock of the sensation, it's not that bad. It can be vaguely painful at the higher levels, but not in such a way as to be unmanageable, I think. After I tested it, husband tested it, too. Then I tried it on myself again.

And then I got to thinking. Lots of people are into e-stim (as they call it) during their "sm" play. Having experienced just the barest taste, I got to wondering whether any of those people have considered electric collars on human bits (surely they have) which led me to wondering about the sensation against a nipple. Or in my case, my nipple piercing. Would I end up with a cooked nipple? Or just some intense, interesting sensations? Which led me to wondering about the possibility of using the collar somewhere further south. Across the wetter, juicier bits.

While I don't think I'm particularly interested in sharing my sex toys with my dog (in ANY way) I find the idea very interesting. I shared this line of thought with my husband and while he managed not to have a look of horror, he certainly cringed a bit and asked me, teasingly, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously it's not something he's interested in, and while I'm curious, I can't say it's overwhelming curiosity.

However, after considering the "damage" I could do to myself using the collar I started considering Keith. Keith has been my "go to guy" for many fantasies and delightful memories. One of the things I don't think I went into any particular detail about was the fact that I discovered (long after our encounters) that he was very much a masochist and very subby. At the time I found the idea only vaguely intriguing. I've always thought of myself as being more sub and never found much interest in exploring the other side of things. However, whenever I hit on delightful toy ideas (like alternative uses for the collar) which have the potential to be quite painful, I think of Keith and the pleasure we both might have found in the experience....