So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.
I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....
Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.
I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.
In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."
Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.
I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....
4 comments:
The big difference -- going only on what you specifically wrote -- is that he used to deny you, but you will actually make the effort for him, even if it's not what you're desiring.
In my marriage I was forced to always be the aggressor. And was often either denied or had so many conditions added -- lights off, don't look at me, don't touch this, don't do that, etc -- that it was neither fun nor fulfilling. Like you, I started putting out only when she insisted, which thankfully wasn't often.
I think it is we who hold the moral high ground on that. Even when we had no desire for them, we still met their needs when they asked.
Much as it sort of feels good and moral and better to be bitter and angry... it's not really the moral or right thing to do. We are married, afterall. So, it's kind of hard to accept the spiteful pleasure I take in telling him "no."
So... your profile doesn't link a blog.... is there a blog to be had? I'm interested!
"In my marriage I was forced to always be the aggressor. And was often either denied or had so many conditions added -- lights off, don't look at me, don't touch this, don't do that, etc -- that it was neither fun nor fulfilling. Like you, I started putting out only when she insisted, which thankfully wasn't often."
I think in a lot marriages this is the case. You reach out for them so often and then you're denied. I used to get physically angry for this. Now I have accepted it and moved on for the most part. I do every once in a while get silent pleasure denying him a little. That of course isn't right and I'm working on that as well.
I was there too...years of no or very little sex. I was also angry and frustrated. The kicker for me was that when she met "Mr. Right" she started to have more sex (guilty much?)...but I felt like the "other man". Weird.
Nice blog SS. It will be fun to get to know you.
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