Whew

I just got the scare of my life. Well, maybe not my whole life. I live in the scary part of town... and a place that has bad drainage. The backyard is made of rocks. Walking on those rocks is very loud. I've always thought of it as a sort of low tech security system. I have the backdoor open because the laundry is making it very hot in here. I hear foot steps along the back. The dogs freak the hell out and lunge at the screen door. And just for a moment I thought it was the person walking back there coming at the door. Terrifying. Sometimes I regret my decision to insist on living on the ground floor.

Anyway. On to business. Mr. W! says:

I bet Keith didn't go through your hometown. Even though you two haven't talked
I am sure he would have stayed there at least one day. Unless it was your "day".
But that didn't stop him before.What if he sent you a ticket? Would you go and
take advantage of him???

And in answer I'd have to say there was a time when I would have without question. Now, though, things are a little different and I'm in a situation where it would be more than inconvenient. Were it not for the fact that I love my job and currently am very much in need of the money... I would. However, real life comes into play and prevents me from taking such a lovely, sexy vacation. It WOULD be an excellent chance to sneak away from his naked body now and again and see some people I'm already missing terribly, though. *sigh*

Passionate Man says:

Hubby won't find anyone. 90% of the w4m posts on craigslist aren't serious
(spam, joking but not interested, or too hesitant to actually get involved), and
the rest either don't want a married man or won't want him.You're safe. He's
just playing to make himself feel attractive. He probably knows nothing will
come of it, too.

And you know, you're right. He's really just looking. However, my own sister has been a frequent and serious poster on the site looking for some fast nookie. So he knows there real live women on the site. As for other women wanting him... well... who knows. He's not super hot or anything, but he is funny and that counts for something. On the other hand, to my knowledge he's stopped looking. Or certainly isn't looking seriously. I do believe you're right, though, that the vast majority of the women on the site wouldn't bite. It really makes me feel very, very sorry for men....

In a rush

Life is still busy. I'm still tired all the time. But for the most part it's in a good way. And I think habit and a bit more exercise should cure me of the constant tiredness. Mentally, at least I feel pretty fucking awesome. I like my job and I really do get plenty of time off... I'm just still busy on those days, right now.

The sex life is still pretty dead. I was thinking last night that I'm increasingly willing to fuck husband (although he's, once again, stopped asking me) but I'm so totally turned off to approaching him and being denied anymore. I mean, seriously, for a while there I got to the point where I was asking him for sex even when I really didn't want it just to see if he'd say yes. He never did. And then my libido died. And he asked me. And I wasn't just not interested... I absolutely abhorred the idea. However, I still went down and basically helped him reach orgasm without having to fake any particular sexual pleasure on my part.

So now I'm horny again. And husband's stopped asking. And I don't want to ask. And it's really a bit of a problem. I fear we've forgotten how to relate to one another in that way. I'm pretty sure other couples manage to find some way to make their libidos work together. Why can't WE? *sigh*

The night before last I had a sex dream about husband. I can't remember the last one I had like that. I woke up incredibly horny and imagining being fucked. Of course, in my mind it was Keith doing the fucking... my mind drifting joyously back to those two exciting nights far too long ago. He remains the gold standard of sex for me. Eventually I did get out of bed (no orgasm) but last night I was aching.

I went and found my fun balls (since I'm not particularly happy with my current dildo/vibe collection) and fought to slide them inside me. Am I so tight? Are they so big? It was kind of ridiculous and there was much pinching of skin between nails, poking, prodding, and use of lube before I finally made them both disappear in side me. I then spent the next 30 or 35 minutes idly looking at porn and masturbating. Finally, I let myself cum. It was a really pleasant, relaxing orgasm which made the entire annoying situation much more palatable. Afterward, I pulled the balls out of my pussy and they were covered in girl juice. It was really weird to see them that way. It really looked suspiciously like some guy had cum on the balls. It was really, really weird. And really, kind of sexy. I was extremely wet, obviously.

Today will be another very busy day. Probably not much time for orgasm, alas.

I know I've failed to respond to notes, lately. I'll try to make it up tonight... but if I fail, forgive me. Every letter I've typed today has made me later and later for my commitments....

I don't sleep enough

Well, as it turns out my work has me very, very tired. I work several very long days and get three (and a half) days off. It makes for a very, very tired girl since I can't seem to actually fall asleep. I think I'm still too excited about this job.

So, looking back, our anniversary went well. No sex. But we had fun.

God, I'm tired.

Life is...

Yesterday (or was it the day before?) Husband and I were hanging out. I watched a few minutes of Dr. Phil when he had some woman on who said she'd rather eat chocolate than have sex. Husband opened his mouth to comment but before he could get a word out I said "she must be having sex with you." HA! I laughed my ass off and he got really mad. I told him I was only kidding and that he had to admit I was way fucking funny... which he never really did... but he finally told me what he was going to say, which was "she's obviously never had an orgasm." Then he added "it's really better that I didn't say that before you made your comment."

Later on in the evening I offered him some chocolate pudding I made, telling him "you can either have the pudding or you can have sex with me." He surprised me by telling me he'd have sex with me. Although the offer for either the pudding or the sex was not for "right now." Needless to say when I did finally retire to the bedroom for a while I offered him sex and he told me "I'm too tired." When I got back up for late dessert he joined me in having some pudding. Needless to say there was no sex.

I swear I don't bring these things on myself. Other than the fact that I very obviously do. You'd think my mother would have taught me better.

Meanwhile, it's starting to feel like much of my life is coming together. I'm very excited to start my job on Wednesday and I've managed to set it up so I start my volunteer work on Tuesday... a sort of a work-preparation thing. I can get rid of some of my jitters.

Lastly, being the infomercial-whore I am, I avidly watched several repeats of the Magic Bullet infomercial and was utterly sold. I happened to see a set at a local store and snapped it up as a celebration of my new job. I'm currently drinking a strawberry-pineapple-orange-edemame smoothie. I threw the edemame in as an experiment and find I kind of like it... what with the texture and all. I'm thinking about going for one of those "mostly vegetable" smoothies eventually. I might just end up somewhat healthy. Weird.

Things are just looking so much brighter in the future. While I still reasonably expect set backs eventually, the near future is beautiful....

So Excited

As it turns out, I'm gainfully employed again. Well, at least, I will be. Next week. I got exactly the job I wanted and I'm totally excited about it. Even if I decide NOT to follow the career path I've currently got planned out, I will finally be in a position to never, ever, ever have to work retail again. There were some perks (this is me thinking very fondly of my work which put me in contact with more than one guy I slept with) but those were few and far between. Hardly worthwhile. At least in this job I'll get to see more of the kind of folks I like. I hope.

I find myself so befuddled by this having a job starting next week that I keep thinking "oh, I need to go search for more jobs to apply to..." except.. obviously I don't. I'm just not starting yet, is all.

Meanwhile, my anniversary is coming up. It's hard to imagine Husband and I have been together as long as we have. In some ways I guess we both think it's been far too long, but overall... I think we're okay. We still have more of the "big important talks" than I'd like (like none, please) but we're chugging along.

Husband keeps checking craigslist casual encounters. I finally asked him the other day "are you planning on finding someone else to sleep with? Because I'm not sure how I feel about that right now." In some ways it'd make me happy for him to be able to have that kind of casual fun... but I worry he's going to fall in love with someone else and forget to come back. Something I'm painfully familiar with in my own adventures. He claims he's not going to find anyone that way. We'll see....

I had more to write about the last topic but suddenly I'm very, very tired. It's very, very bedtime.

My sister and my husband went to the coast together today. She's got vacation and he isn't working so away they went. Had I not had a job interview I might have been tempted to go, myself. However, neither of them would have wanted to take the dogs and I have this thing where I want to live my life with my boys at my side all the time so they took a day of vacation without me.

I went to the interview and for the most part it went pretty well. The work seemed okay but the people who interviewed me seemed very stressed in some ways. There were a lot of questions of "if terrible things X, Y, and Z happened..." and "if person Y did this what would your response be..." that sort of thing. I've walked away with the suspicion that the reason the job is open is because of the examples they gave. And even as I drove away I was thinking "if they feel like they need to ask those kinds of questions... do I even want to work there...?"

Which really means I need to put in for some more jobs. I'm incredibly disappointed because I haven't heard back from the first place that interviewed me. I think I'd adore that job and be really happy. *sigh* Of course, it's only Monday. But still....

I guess this means I need to put in for more jobs. :-/

So, it's a quiet afternoon here alone in the apartment. I've got the sliding glass door open just a crack and I'm gazing out at the sunlight reflecting off the back fence, the fluffy white clouds in the blue sky, and the wind making the ivy dance. It's a little too cold outside to just go out and enjoy it, but too perfect of a day to keep the windows covered. It feels like an early spring vacation to me. The kind of day where my cabana boy lover comes to give me a massage, pleasure me selflessly, and then leaves me alone with some sweet drink to enjoy the end of the day.

*sigh*

That Show

You know that show, The Shield? It totally blows my mind. TOTALLY BLOWS MY MIND. Let there be no question. My mind? Blown. Totally.

So, like a million years ago Keith told me he digs The Shield and was all "record it for me and send it to me in this foreign country" (to paraphrase). So I totally did and then as it turns out his computer wasn't able to read the dvds for some reason but anyway, I started watching... and thanks to TIVO I kept watching and watching and have seen all but a few episodes multiple times. Like, I *really* like the show and this last season was totally wicked, especially the painfully well shot cliff hanger episode from last season and then there's all this season which is exciting and starting off well... and will (apparently) completely end the series (from what I've read) and it's like... I'm totally excited.

It also helps that I want to take the lead actor and tie him to my bed for a few nights. Or be tied to his. You know, whatever. I'm not picky in this regard. Not when it comes to him, anyway.

So yeah. The Shield... wicked. Mr. Chiklis... not nearly naked enough.

Now that I think about it, how is it that man's managed to avoid the gratuitous nudity I so crave in men of his type? WTF? Seriously. More male nudity. It can be tasteful. But c'mon. Even George Eads (from CSI) has managed a few shirtless scenes and it's not like he's even the "main" character! Dammit.

I know, everything's filmed. It's too late to be crying for nudity. But the man's going to have to do better in this regard. I'll be patient, god knows. But not forever....

Memories....

I messaged Martin the other day as I was waiting outside my interview. I was bored and excited and needed someone to "talk" to, so I sent him a text. He wrote back hours later. We've written back and forth a bit the last few days, it all culminated with tonight. Our desire for one another leaking out a bit. I never know if his girlfriend's nearby. I worry she'll see. But what can she do to me? I worry for him, for my part in it, but I also know he's a big boy who can make his own decisions. It's hard to really contribute to his delinquency from across the country.

Back and forth we went, reminiscing. My brain immediately caught on the fact that I fucked Keith while I was still seeing Martin... of the fact that Martin couldn't compete. My desire for Keith was too strong, the chemistry so perfect. And yet, Martin and I had our fun for a while. Martin was the romantic, or played one so perfectly it made my heart ache a few times.

He told me he still masturbates when he thinks about some of the stuff we did. I smile a little. We were never so wild. Nothing I feel the need to relive so completely, nothing that'll get me off. Is he so easily amused, I wonder? There are really only a couple of things worth mentioning... the first night we were together, the night I sucked his cock while he chatted up his ex on the phone, and the night I stuck my tongue in his ass (an idea stolen directly from Keith's playbook, I might add). I can guess which one he chooses to remember so vividly.

But, none the less it woke up a longing in me. Got me thinking about how it felt to be around Martin, about my imaginings of what the good parts about being his girlfriend would be. Of course, it also made me think about the bad parts... but the good parts were the focus.

When it came to be bed time, I tried to seduce husband but nothing doing...

News

I spent the last hour snuggling with Husband. "I'm glad to be your wubby" he told me. I'm glad, too.

Today's already been... something. One of my ratties is dying. Well, not just dying. I'm having her put down today. That'll be the second since we moved here. She's not really a surprise, I suppose. She's around 2 1/2-3 years old which is a decent life for a ratty. Still, it hurts.

Meanwhile, I've already gotten a call back from the job I interviewed for, calling for a second interview. And I have an interview for another, similar, job next week.

Things are looking up just past the ratty's inevitable death.

Thoughts

Last night, I came onto husband. Several times. each time he was less than receptive. The last time, he escaped the room as quickly as he could. He wanted nothing to do with my advances. Typical.

I ended up having a non-sexual dream about Keith. I have, for the most part, accepted that Keith isn't a real, stable part of my life and never will be. And in the dream, it was much the same. He was there with his wife and kids (which in reality is his exwife) moving from where I live now to where I used to live. I went to help because as it turned out in the dream, Keith knew someone else I knew and I was able to be there as a stranger. He kept touching me in his familiar, delightful way when no one was looking and making me utterly mad with desire. Eventually his (apparently) mentally ill wife told everyone to leave because no one was helping. I looked helplessly at Keith, but he knew better than to argue with her. It was a really weird dream, but I woke up sad and longing for him. *sigh* In fact, Keith has moved to the same area I was in for the last 8 years. It tears me up that I missed him. In fact, it occurred to me that he may have flown into an airport a mere 20 minutes away. And I find myself disappointed that there was no chance I'd see him.

Anyway.

Oh, and I read your comment to my husband, no_more_secrets. He told me he's going to run over to my sister's house next time and say "screw it, we should just have sex." He doesn't think that'll go over very well.

Joy

Well, I'm not really, really happy. But I'm pretty happy. I had an interview this morning. It was the first response I got from putting in for a job I'd really love to do. Something I hadn't dared put in for, before. After all, what do I have to offer? But as it turns out... something. So I went to the interview and because of the unpredictability of traffic... and my own fear of being late... I ended up getting there and HOUR early. Eek. So I sat in the car and played with my ipod and sent text messages and finally went inside 15 minutes early.

The interview, which I was concerned would go terribly, went really, really well. I walked out of there in just the most excellent mood. Even if I don't get the job, it was a really, seriously positive interviewing experience that gave me a hell of a lot more confidence about my interviewing abilities. I was really happy.

Having done that, overall I'm in a way better mood than I've been in months. Way better. And maybe, just maybe, Husband will get some tonight. Maybe.

I have another, similar interview scheduled for next week. Hopefully I'll shine as brightly in that one and be offered that job. While I'm not sure it's a realistic hope (any more than I thought this one was) it is closer to what I have in mind. However, this job would be a GREAT stepping stone in moving towards what I want to do "in real life." And maybe, ultimately, be a great stopping point for me. It's a job I could be proud of, in and of itself.

So yeah. It's been a lovely day.

Makes me wish I had a boy toy to share the excitement with. But you know, maybe I can just do that with husband. Maybe.

The conversation I had

So after my post regarding my husband's sex drive and my feelings of amusement I got to thinking some more. Last night while we were making dinner together and I told him about the post and about my belief that I don't live in a world where my husband and my sister are having an affair... but perhaps I'm too confident about that.

He stared at me and then laughed "what, do you mean it?"

"Well," I told him, "one of the signs one's spouse is having an affair is an increased interest in sex. Like maybe having sex makes you want to have more sex... or it throws the person's suspicion off."

"I'm not having sex with your sister. I'm just horny."

"Right... so you go over there to pick something up and stay for an hour? Booty call?"

He shook his head, looking utterly perplexed. "You know, if I'm going to be accused of having an affair, I'd really prefer it be when I'm actually getting some from someone!"

I laughed at that and said, "you'd say that though, wouldn't you? You know there's nothing you can say that'll convince me you're not. And, really, they say if you suspect your spouse is having an affair they probably ARE."

He shook his head at me.

I wasn't completely serious. And he knew that. But it was a conversation I felt like I needed to have. I really DON'T think I live in a world where my husband and my sister would fuck... and I try to be pretty realistic. But there's always that doubt that I don't have the control over and understanding of my life that I think I do.

Which led me to confess my secret pleasure in denying him sex. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did, but he also didn't seem to feel very offended. "The difference," I told him, "is that sometimes I put out anyway." He couldn't deny it.

And oddly, it really wasn't a particularly tense conversation. Afterward, however, he went for the pepto bismul for heartburn. I gazed at him open mouthed "oh!" He stared at me quizzically "I have heartburn." "Yeah, after a stressful conversation! Oh my god!" He rolled his eyes in response and said "I had it BEFORE." Uh huh.

Another Part of Me

So I was laying in bed thinking about things. Everything. So of course, I couldn't sleep.

I've mentioned before the fact that my husband has become suddenly sexualized. Not like I used to be, but certainly more sexual than he's been since we first got married. I suppose in some ways this is a warning sign of an affair... and the only person he could possibly be having an affair with is my sister... but I can't seem to believe the likelihood. Some people lead lives where that sort of thing is a real possibility... I'm not one of those people. Anyway, that was a tangent....

Meanwhile, as husband's libido increases, mine has dropped off dramatically. Sex? No thanks. And everytime husband asks or even hints, I find myself laughing manaically inside and turning him down. "Gee, what's that like?" I ask him, snidely, reminding him of all the times I've been desperate to be touched and he's denied me.

I don't really mean it be vindictive... but really, I am a bit. I do still put out now and again, giving him blow jobs and hand jobs and the like. Far more than he ever did for me. However, I realize I'm still incredibly resentful of the last several years.

In fact, it occurred to me that I'm even resentful that I was forced to look for sex outside our home. Which isn't to say it hasn't been very enjoyable. I've reveled in that freedom. However, the operative word is "forced."

Anyway, I find myself having mixed and somewhat angry emotions about a lot of things. This is just one of them. I know there's a place and a way of thinking that will make me more accepting of the whole situation, but I've lost that place. Mostly, I'm just vengeful. And it makes me smile in an evil, evil way.

I don't feel like even this is a marriage breaker. I try hard not to visit my cruelty on him too often. Really, it should be never. And I'm working on it. But god damn, I'm spiteful....

To one who would never think I mean him...

Sometimes when I kiss my husband I close my eyes and imagine it's you. Sometimes I turn off the lights when I take him in my mouth and pretend it's your cock against my tongue. I'll lay in bed talking to him and open my eyes for a second expecting to see your face. I look over at him once in a while and wonder what it would be like if it was you there, instead. I wonder how you'd look at me. I wonder how things would be between us.

And then I check the casualty reports to make sure you're not actually dead, that you're still out there.

Maybe thinking of me.

The Fingers

I was watching some show on E! or Style or something tonight. In it, a rather average looking man (I kept having to ask myself if he was gay) had a segment about him. He was certainly NOT the sort of man I find attractive-- not my vision of masculine enough. However, he was rather quiet and soothing in his own way. He gave the female star of the segment a massage. And I found myself suddenly drooling all over this man. As I watched his oiled fingers gliding over the woman's soft skin I was thinking to myself about what it must be like to be him, to put his hands all over this naked woman's skin, to give all of this intense pleasure and yet get none directly in return. What must it be like to be allowed to touch these women and know they would never let him touch them outside that room. At least, not at first....

It was shocking to me how my body reacted. A slave of sorts. But if a man with those amazing hands were to offer a happy ending, offer to fuck me hard... well... I'm not one to deny him that mutual pleasure.

And then the thoughts just reminded me of what I'm missing in my own sex life. Someone willing to spend lots of time on me, now and again. I'm willing to trade off, I swear....

Girl Can't Help It...

Yeah, I'm listening to Journey and I'm NOT ashamed of it!

For whatever reason, I'm taking this period of joblessness pretty well. I still haven't told the management around here about the mold. That'll be tomorrow. As things stand, I'm cleaning, going through all the stuff we moved here with all those months ago and donating the stuff we don't need or want anymore and reorganizing the rest. With every unpacked box, every foot of floor space uncovered, I'm feeling lighter, more refreshed. Like just maybe there's hope... hope in everything.

The other night, husband got me a little drunk. It was mutual, really. We haven't gotten drunk in... a long time. Months? A year? I can't really remember. "You always get horny when you drink," he reminded me. I had to laugh at that. He's right, though. Unfortunately, it was also the first, most painful day of my period. However, being his good oral-sex giving wife, I was on my knees before too long.

Eventually I got bored of straining to suck him on the bed and led him out into the living room and pushed him into the lay-z-boy. I popped in one of my mainstream porn tapes (something random and reasonably non-offensive, though I jokingly told him it was gay porn since the first several minutes involve a group of men all talking) and set back to work. It wasn't too long until a porn starlet was on her knees before her costar, working his cock like the pro she so obviously is. I took my cue and redoubled my efforts, feeling his cock thicken and harden under my ministrations. Eventually he came, and lay back while I got a towel for him and cleaned myself off.

We spent the rest of the night in good moods as I came down from my buzz and he recovered from his sexual high. It was like a very pleasant night of vacation from everything for the both of us, and perhaps one of the best nights we've had together in years.

Life comes at you fast...

I was pretty much forced to quit my job. I walk away a wiser person, a better employee and a better supervisor. However, that doesn't pay the bills.

I've discovered a terrible mildew/mold problem along a wall in the living room. It's eaten at the bottom of my filing cabinet. I'm pissed. I'm going to have to move all the boxes and other sundries from around it so I can show it to the apartment maintenance guy. I suspect minor pressure could make a small section of the drywall cave in. The carpet under the cabinet is moldy black. Did I mention I'm pissed?

Meanwhile, husband is hornier than usual. Me? The exact opposite. Stress does nothing for my libido. Stress has been constant since the move out here. It's NOT getting better. So, I've been doing my part to "tend to" my husband's needs without having to go through the trouble of pretending to want to get fucked. Besides, there are few things more annoying than his litany that I need to "teach him how to use a condom." Like they're some fucking great, new technology that one needs to take a class on, or something. Shit, I don't even want to have sex, why in the hell would I want to "teach" him to use a condom? Fuck that.

My sister is still looking for booty calls online. My husband is taking ideas from her, searching craigslist with a vague sense of hope and embarrassment for a sexual partner besides myself. Am I pissy about it? You bet. For the last how many years, I've been begging him for sex on a regular basis until I just completely gave up and now all of a sudden he's become affectionate and suddenly oversexed... you know, when I want nothing to do with any of it anymore.

My life is bordering on the absurd.

Maybe it's already passed over that cliff.

Not very accurate psychological survey.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

Husband

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

Squirrel (grey)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal.

It looks at me curiously and scampers up a tree.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.

It's a house just like the one in "house sitter." Exactly. But bigger.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

No.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?

Candle sticks, place settings, tea set. Chairs around, carpeting.


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

Plastic, insulated. Translucent purple.

8. What do you do with the cup?

Leave it.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. what kind of body of water is it?

A small-ish lake. Much bigger than a pond, but the shore is completely visible.

10. How will you cross the water?

I'll swim.

THE "KEY"
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

So lately, I've spent my time running to and from work. Those 9 hour days plus travel time (which can be anywhere from 40 minutes round trip to two hours on bad days) are kind of killer. Not to mention the unpredictability of what time of day those 9 hours start. Will it be 6am or 2pm? Or somewhere in between? It's a toss up. Needless to say, though I do have warning as to what my upcoming shifts are going to be, it doesn't make my sleep schedule anymore predictable, which means I spend most days tired as hell even before I go to work.

My weekends have been spent out with my husband and the dogs. I always swore when we came back home I'd make it a point to be more active and get out and do all the things I did as a teenager, but was unable to do as a young adult. Having the dogs has gone a long way toward realizing that. For the last month, each of my days off have included several hours wandering around the dog park. As the weather clears, hopefully we'll manage to take a few day trips. Heck we might even manage a camp out for a weekend. That'd be great.

I'm working hard on improving my attitude toward my husband. We spend an awful lot of time together since he's not been working and he's quite depressed. Getting out as been very good for both of us, but my attitude toward him over the last several years hasn't been very good and since things are currently magnified and our lives have become abnormally intertwined I see that it's been more harmful than helpful. I'm working to change that.

Which isn't to say I'm not still thinking about fucking various and sundry men. I'm just realistic in knowing now just isn't a great time for it.

I'm watching my sister do many of the same things I've done over the last few years in attempting to find someone to fuck regularly in an NSA fashion. I swear to god she's talking to a lot of the same guys. It's almost laughable, and it's helping me to not mind so much about the fact that I'm not looking. While I feel a certain longing for the thrill, I'm glad not to be talking to the crazies, including the guy who asked her if she'd be his girlfriend before they'd even had a single online conversation, let alone met in real life. Stuff like that, I can definitely do without....

I had the pleasure of seeing my new crush at work yesterday. It's so funny to me the way I look at him. He's not a super-hot guy. I'm not even convinced he's a hot guy. And yet, it matters not much at all to me. I'm aware of it and yet completely unaffected in my lust. I think it's because he reminds me of EB, my lover from a while back. I haven't heard from EB since before I left the East coast, although I keep an eye out for him online. He was a great guy just to talk to and he was nice in bed (with a distinct possibility of being kinky). However, I think EB found himself a full-time girlfriend and therefore dropped all his non-monogamous friends. I digress.

So I think my new crush reminds me of EB. And I think that's a lot of what keeps me looking at him with a little lust in my eyes. Although most of it has to do with the way he touched me. I keep trying to put myself in the position to be touched by him again. Often. But it's just not happening. Anyway, isn't it wrong to take sexual pleasure from someone's unknowing touch? I'm not convinced he's completely unknowing, however. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway. That's about all I have to say for now.