As things stand...

Husband seems to have found himself a pretty permanent girlfriend. She seems nice enough, though I've never met her. I'm pretty sure it should stay that way as I tend to be bitter and sarcastic toward my competition... even when we're not actually IN competition for anything.

My warcraft account was hijacked and has since been banned. My repeated emails to those in charge have been summarily ignored. At this point I'm pretty sure I'm just SOL. The thing that really, really frustrates me is the amount of money I've spent for the right to play (namely buying the games themselves) and the fact that they can ultimately decide that even though I've paid for the games, I'm not allowed to play. Welcome me back to console gaming where I can buy and play a game and no one can come and tell me that the game's over before it actually IS. AND I can play those games again... once again... without some big brother coming in to inform me that I'm not allowed to play the game I paid for. Gah. So angry. Fuck Blizzard and fuck Warcraft anyway.

Speaking of fucking... since it appears I won't be playing warcraft (you know, that game I PAID for?) anymore... I've apparently got a lot more time to... well... fuck. I'm still in mourning (obviously) about the warcraft account... so I'll be whining about it for a while. But I'm thinking that maybe the time I wasted on warcraft would be better spent on self improvement. Which is soooo much easier said than done!

So... in my mind, casual sex and becoming a better love is really a form of self improvement. It certainly makes me feel really, really good when it goes well. So maybe it's time I start thinking more about sex and life and less about my frost mage.....

Nostalgic

I was reading some old blog entries.. and you know... it makes me misty. I miss those days. I miss the sexy, young men whom I used to engage in various forms of intercourse with. I miss that wildly social, wildly sexual life I lead for a while there. I like* being a slut. I like wandering into work knowing that I got thoroughly fucked by some guy last night, someone who isn't my husband. Someone no one would approve of me fucking.

There is an extreme shortage of males at my work. Of the two I see often, one of them is attractive enough for me to consider in a sexual sort of way... the other is currently hovering at just over twice my age. The thing is, the more attractive of the two has a whole family and huge social network that just overwhelms me. I have, somehow, managed not to more than very briefly entertain erotic thoughts about him. Somehow it simmers there quietly in the back of my mind, but goes no further. He's sort of a "last man on earth" kinda guy. I mean, I would and I'd probably enjoy it... but only if he were the last man on earth.

The older gentleman... I actually DO find oddly attractive. And it kind of freaks me out. I swear he even flirted with me the other day and I found myself amused by the whole thing. Every so often he says or does something and I can see him as a much younger man... and I kind of want him. I think he and I could have gotten along very, very well back in the day. Unfortunately, there are some things about him that absolutely blow my attraction to him away. Nine days out of ten when I work I find myself feeling a strong righteous rage toward him. And not even that sexy kind of potentially explosively passionate rage. Just cold rage.

Looking back at a few years ago, though. God I had fun. I was such an optimist for a while. It was beautiful. Everything was. I love that.

*I also really, really like italics today.

Girlfriend

So husband has gotten pretty steady with his current girlfriend. He swears it's really a friends with benefits thing and nothing more. "We're pals" he tells me, "who have sex." Been there, done that. But at the same time, I think there's still a certain relationship that forms. A special sort of bond. And I can't help but be a little jealous of that. On the other hand, I don't know this woman but I really like her. I like the effect she's had on Husband. She's indirectly changing our lives for the better and I can't bring myself to complain.

This weekend he's planning on spending Friday and Saturday nights with her. He won't be coming home until Sunday sometime. When he originally asked if I was okay with that I found myself a little bitter. A little unwilling to share. One night's okay... but TWO? C'mon! He's done this before, of course. And SOMEHOW I survived. Magically. Because, really, it's not that big of a deal. So I pouted for a couple of minutes and then I got over it.

Mostly, I'm jealous that he has somewhere else to go. Someone else to hang out with besides just one another. And if I really wanted a boyfriend it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make it happen.....

Porn... for women

So I've long had something of a crush on... well... a couple of different porn actors. Anyway, I was watching one of my favorites getting a BJ from some chick... and I found myself thinking "goddammit, if I wanted to watch him get a blow job, I'd GIVE him a blow job." And that pretty much sums up my feelings on that.

The number

I'm sure I've written about this before. I'm also sure I have no new thoughts on the matter. But I guess the same "issues" run through my head now as years ago. Unresolved as ever. I was reading about the difference between the number of partners a man had versus a woman and what that difference means to the two people in that relationship.

And once again I find myself vaguely at a loss to know what to say about my own number. At this point I have to admit I can't really remember how many men I've been with. It's been years... and so many of those men were one or two night stands that weren't all that memorable. I remember the ones that really matter (for various reasons). If I were to count those I think my number would be something like five or six. I kind of don't feel like knowing my own number. At one time it was a matter of pride for me. But then, suddenly, I realized that I could give a shit how many (in gross) I've fucked but really only care about the number who were actually really worth remembering. And even then it's not about a "number" it's about those nights and with those men.

Then I started thinking about Husband's number. His is slowly, but steadily, growing. And while I can take an educated guess, I really just don't care.

So that's the numbers for you.

Someone else's star....

So Husband is the one with all the stories these days. I just sit back and listen. He had a hot date last night, with someone I think he's only talked to a few times. He dressed up just a little bit (in one of the nice shirts I picked out for him about a year ago) and we agreed he'd call me when he figured out what his plans were for the evening. He brought a toothbrush. He did call... and he didn't come home.

The next day, Husband came home and called me at work to let me know he was home. "Did you have fun?" I asked him. "I guess," he said, sounding down. "K. Thanks for letting me know, I'll call you later," I told him and promptly forgot. When I got home, I asked him about his evening.

"It was bad," he told me. I asked for more details. "She has some interesting friends," he said, "HOT, friends. But we went back to her place and... it was just bad." I asked for more details, again. "She's had kids. And... well... you know the phrase 'hot dog down a hallway'?" I nodded and smiled and immediately started doing Kegels.

"Did you get off?" I asked. "Yeah, eventually I got myself off." I followed with, "did she get off?" "Oh, yeah." Then he added, "she just laid there. I mean, not the whole time. But she didn't move." "Mmm," I said, sympathetically. "And she talked. I mean the whole time. And she tried to get me to talk. And I couldn't shut her up. I don't like to talk. I don't need to hear how great my dick feels in her every two seconds." I smiled wryly. Husband could stand to be more vocal in bed. But too much talk is very distracting.

"Will you see her again," I asked. "No," he told me, " and you know it's put me off for a while. It was really bad." "Not so eager for your next hook up?" I asked. "No, not so eager right now." "Now you can see why I was always so interested in finding a longer-term partner. When the sex is great it's really hard to let that go. And bad sex... bad sex is just made worse when you've been with someone who's really good."

And then I opened up yahoo messenger and got an offline message from Keith.

It's a small world....

Husband's last "girlfriend" dropped him so she could become exclusive with some other guy. This whole situation reminded me just vaguely of "the ex" and I swear to god if she starts sniffing around him again I'm going to have to warn Husband off. Of course, he probably won't listen... I wouldn't.

Right now he's chatting up some other MUCH more local woman. I'm actually all for that. I really, really don't believe in traveling long-distances for a sexual relationship. Especially when you live in a city of roughly 3 million people. (Btw... I know it's not NYC but holy shit that's a lot of people who live locally!) I fully admit I've traveled long distances for sex before... but I learned my lesson and now flatly refuse.

Anyway, so the new woman the Husband is chatting up is friends with a blogger I read regularly. (I don't link to that blog, so don't bother thinking too hard about it.) Husband is not a blogger and is not terribly interested in the whole subject but I'm terribly entertained by the fact that he of all people would provide the real life connection.

I really don't think anything will come of that relationship. I mean, they might meet and have sex but I doubt it'd be more than once or twice. Based on what I've heard about her sexual proclivities I'm not sure they're on the same page. He thinks he can just ignore this particular "fetish" she has. I suspect she thinks she can convince him to try it. I think it's a disaster. But it's likely to be entertaining for pretty much everyone involved!

Erotica

Violet Blue used to read porn on her podcast. I thought that was really hot. She's got a great voice and chose some stories I found really great to masturbate to. She's stopped podcasting as much as she did and I find myself at a bit of a loss as to a good replacement. Maybe I'm using the internet wrong. But, I've been considering searching those great free-porn sites for stories that interest me and (with the author's permission) recording my OWN podcast. However, I find it really hard to believe there aren't other folks with better voices and the same idea. But like I said, maybe I'm using the internet wrong....

Porn

I was recently visiting one of my favorite free porn sites (yeah, I'm cheap) which gives me snippets of movies two of which are generally long enough to get me off and send me on my way to the rest of the less sexy internet (or WoW, as the case my be). During my visit I found myself gazing thoughtfully at one of the porn males. Many (read: most) male porn stars are barely tolerable to me. One might even call them repulsive. In this case I found myself not really attracted so much as... intrigued. Here (pictured at left) was a rather handsome, hard bodied, blue eyed, tattooed fellow in porn . Straight porn, even. Since WHEN? I did some diligent searching and found out his name (Derrick Pierce) and checked out a little more about him. In doing so I found myself at the LA Direct Models website eyeing the male... models. It took me a few minutes of serious consideration before I decided that "Modeling" was not really what they were selling. Certainly no one from the site is in any danger of starring on America's Next Top Model.

I've discovered the faces and bodies of main stream porn actors have changed dramatically. For the better. Nice. None of the actors on the LA Direct site are irresistibly attractive to me, but of the choices I found myself eyeballing Christian the most. He's got a hot body (well, I like more fat on my men but I won't complain), he's very masculine, and has a really great smile. I looked up a little of his work (fairly standard professional porn fair). I also stumbled across his blog. I've been hooked since. It's not that his blog is incredibly well written. Nor the fact that he plays a horde character on WoW (which server?!?!). It's interesting to get a peek into the life of a porn star. A MALE porn star, even. I'm learning things about the porn industry I had no idea about, had never considered.

There are a couple of things that have come from this. First, I'm watching a lot more porn these days and a good percentage of my time is spent being more critical, seeing all the things that are contrived to make it more palatable to male tastes (and unfortunately, often less palatable to my own). Second, I've learned a respect for the "actors." Lastly I've discovered that Christian has acted in some same-sex (tranny) scenes. I had NO idea what a big deal this is to some people. I've written about gay-for-pay (or whatever you want to call it) before. I was writing about how hot I found it... and there are a bunch of folks bitching about him doing gay porn. I'm too lazy to find a link but as it turns out there's not really a shortage and it's really vitriolic. Who knew?

I finally hunted down a tranny flick starring Christian. As it turns out, I'm not that interested in trannies. But what I really appreciated about it was the fact that Christian comes off as being... amused. It's not a serious business and the set up and acting by the trannies was terrible, but he somehow kept it from being a complete flop... which made me really like him.

I remain very committed to something more amateur. Or at least less... fake (ie Comstock). However, I have to raise my glass to male porn stars and to Christian in particular. Keep it up (ha ha).

It's just...

So there's this guy who's come into my work a few times. Older than me by at least a few years... perhaps not conventionally handsome. But he's got a kind face and a quick smile; one of those smiles that transforms his features from average to something much more.

I was having a pretty bitchy, crappy morning and he came in. And talked to me a little. And I got just a little bit more of a crush on him. And it changed my entire day. Suddenly the world was a little brighter and I couldn't stop smiling.

It's been so damned long since I've run into a guy who seemed crush-worthy. Someone who could brighten my day by just smiling at me... or by my just thinking of him.

Of course, given the place I work I'm not in much danger of running into him too often. I'm lucky if I see some of our clients a couple of times a year. In his case I think I've seen him three or four times in the last two months which is quite a lot.

Anyway, it's nice getting to feel that rush of excitement, again.

It's be extra nice if I got to go back to his place with him and....

Just a quick note

So since I last wrote husband has been to see his girlfriend a few more times. Things are still kind of weird but I don't find it infecting our daily life too much. It's funny, though, listening to him sounding a heck of a lot like I used to when I was seeing my lovers. "I'll stop if you want me to... nothing's worth upsetting you" etc etc etc.

We really haven't had sex since he got himself a girlfriend. In a sense that means he's being faithful to her. That does not please me. On the other hand I find myself remembering how very BORING sex was with husband once I'd had a taste of a new lover. Sex with him was a consolation prize (though I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way) and I can only imagine he feels the same way about me. I told him the other day "I don't want to be your second choice." Nevermind how many times I'd have rather been fucking my lover than him. It's not so pretty being on the other side of that coin.

We took a week of vacation and he spent two nights of it with her. I actually dropped him off at her house. There was a potential for me to actually SEE her but I tried very hard not to. I don't really want to see or know. I drove off as soon as I was sure he was going to get inside. When he came back... it was back to life as usual. Except we were still on vacation.

Vacation. So lovely.

Open

Husband's and my sex life has been confusing at best. While he was out of the country we agreed to let things be non-exclusive so our needs could be met. I took FULL advantage (even being called a slut in a NOT very nice way by a coworker whom I'd shared many details with). Husband was less devoted to the idea and merely made out with some chick. He would have taken it further had she not had misgivings. Whatever. Upon his return we agreed to keep our open relationship. Neither of us did anything outside the marriage at that time for quite a while. And then husband's libido dropped off. So I went looking. What followed is mostly chronicled here.

Lots of very good and very average sex with many men. Husband remained mostly celibate. He had a one night stand shortly after coming back into the country all those years ago. And that was that for him. Our very, very infrequent coupling was more than enough to satisfy him. My advances were regularly met with annoyance and therefore all sex stopped. Until he decided, after several years, he really wanted to have sex. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I found myself irritated and reluctant. Part of me (a very large, obvious part) found bitter pleasure in turning him down. I told him as much. For the most part he stopped his advances. More recently, though, we've been on the same page and suddenly sex has seemed like a lovely pass time.

However, during this, he's started looking for his own play thing. And actually succeeded. And that's where it gets weird.

I'm really glad he's not bugging me for sex. I'm really glad he's found someone else to pour that all into. I'm really angry that he's having sex with someone else after turning me down for so many years. I'm really curious about their "relationship." And I'm really, really not. All of a sudden the much more frequent sex we were having has completely stopped. I'm also very okay with that. Except the complete cessation has me a little concerned. And totally not.

I don't even know what to think anymore. His girlfriend is going on a long trip soon. Whatever they have going on will probably fizzle with time. Or not. Who knows? She's not really "wife" material for him so I don't feel particularly threatened. Just weird about the whole thing.

It's just odd. Very odd.

Org

Ah, how I love warcraft. Ahem.

Last night husband and I had a wonderful wonderful romp in the sack. It was great. Once again I gave myself a stellar orgasm. Husband lay under me, looking impressed and amazed. "That was fast. I'm jealous." he told me. He should be. It's funny that I cum faster than he does. It's exceptionally gratifying, too, to actually be in a place where I can guarantee I will be having an orgasm. There's no doubt and no question.

Now if I can just figure out how to have two.

So last night before going to bed, husband started getting a little frisky. I think he was offering to go down. Alas, it's barely been a day and a half since my period ended and well... things weren't feeling so fresh. I declined (as usual for me, really). So husband began massaging my pussy through my pants. It was really, really nice. He was perfectly rough and utterly irresistible. I lay back, moaning a little. Thinking just maybe I could get into this. "I wish I had magic hands like that guy in Needful Things," he said. I thought about it for a moment, "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You know, " he told me, "that scene you liked so much where he gets her off." I thought about it for a long moment before agreeing "ah, the sheriff. I remember now, sort of. I'd forgotten."

I was quiet a long moment as he continued his delightful assault before I added "maybe you do. Maybe I'm just not the right woman." He was quick to disagree, "I'm doing better with you than my last wife. At least you have orgasms." Then he continued "she used to really think chocolate was better than sex. Without the orgasms, I can see maybe that'd be true. Maybe. But she didn't even want to TRY."

I considered a moment and said, "I had some really good chocolate the other day. Like *really* good. Like maybe better than sex WITH an orgasm good." "I want some of that," he told me. I smiled evilly, "It was mint." He hates mint.

Then he got up and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. I followed suit except managed to gag on my toothbrush, thus effectively ending my tooth brushing experience and making me more than reticent to put my mouth anywhere near my husband. And that was that for the night.

Now, I find myself thinking about hunting the book down again and reading it. I do remember being rather turned on by that scene. I don't remember much of the specifics, though.

Fucking Husband.

Last night, maybe 26 hours ago by the clock I got laid. Finally. Oh my god. Husband and I finally managed to get ourselves together and we had sex. It wasn't good sex. But it was nice sex. If only because it'd been so long. He fucked me for a while and I finally decided to get myself off. I think it took less than a minute. He was amazed. I told him I'd been practicing.

His own orgasm was more delayed. Funny how that works. It took what seemed like forever. He was embarrassed as he shyly asked if he could cum on me. "Where?" I asked, wondering about the logistics since we were laying side by side. "Where ever," he replied evasively. FUCK. We've been married ten years. He can't tell me he wants to cum on me somewhere in particular? "I need to know WHERE," I told him, "I really, really prefer it not be a surprise." He was quite a long moment before saying "Well, your tits would be fine. I mean, your face would be great but.... your tits would be fine." It's funny to me, his fear of suggesting cumming on my face. I wonder what it means for him? He ended up coming on my tits. Positioning was just too hard as things went for it to be a facial though it was my goal to give him that pleasure.

Afterward, we snuggled together for a long while. He kept touching me, rubbing, caressing... and it became not just annoying but actually grating. I had to leave. He's been trying to be sexy with his touches, but they just irritate me. I like hard touches, massaging... not tickling not caresses. Not like THAT. Since when doesn't he know that? Or did things change? Is it me?

He wanted to fuck again today. I passed. I think I'm going through PMS. It's not pretty.

I did finally masturbate tonight. I came hard. My insides are still swollen and tender from last night's long-awaited fucking. I'm definitely going to need more, soon. Just not tonight, honey....

Feeling

You know the best feeling in the world? New batteries in my rabbit. Awesome.

A New Lease

For whatever reason, things have been going swimmingly, lately. I live in my own room, now. My husband has the king beg to himself (well, himself and the dogs) and I have my little twin all to myself in the next room (with adjoining doors). I sleep better than ever, I'm happy to say.

The side note on this is that if we want to spend time together, we have to make time. Every evening we find time to snuggle either in his bed or out on the deck. And he actually makes the time. He invites me out to snuggle. We talk. It's really, really nice. The last few months have been some of the best of our marriage.

Unfortunately, while we occasionally make out we still haven't had sex in... years? I did just give him a blow job after we engaged in a pleasant bout of heavy petting. So maybe that counts.

I'm trying very hard not to care. Not to focus, too much. It's actually working pretty well. I'm mostly happy. Definitely happy with him....

Fool!

Ha ha, I'm a fool.

Anyway, as it turns out I put my comments on "moderate" and then forgot about them. For apparently about the last 5 months. Oops.

Yes, the mail finally came. Yes, the rabbit vibrator is everything I've heard. Although I'm still often frustrated by my inability to come at the flip of a switch. It takes longer than that. Dammit.

I've been idly perusing craigslist's casual encounters. Undoubtedly I won't use it. Some guy from Virginia sent me a yahoo IM. If he was ever on my YIM that meant fucking him was at least a possibility. However, I found myself gazing tiredly at the screen and quickly finding myself something else to do. He'll be in the area, he tells me. I don't care. I don't care about anything to do with him....

Husband has been acting more amorous toward me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm being more flirtatious towards him, too. I want to be fucked. But we never seem to find the time. I must not want it bad enough. Thank god there's always porn....

TV

No doubt I'm a deep down slut. I never take advantage of my freedom to explore that anymore. However, I still find myself aching for that singular pleasure of a new man's fingers on my skin, the sensation of a new mouth and tongue, and discovering the pleasures of his hard cock. I love the electricity of a new lover.

The reason I bring this up is that I was watching one of those reality shows and there was much kissing involved. Which reality show? Well, I'll leave that to you to guess. The thing is a relative called to inform me that someone I know is on the show. "Know" is generous. I remember his name. And the thing is... I remember he wasn't all that to look at when I was growing up. I mean, he was okay. But oh my god he's gotten much hotter, now. And I got to watch him kissing some other girl and it got me thinking....

Which led to much masturbation. And a vague sense of shame that I'm so very easily led to masturbate about someone at 29 that I couldn't be bothered to masturbate about when I was 16.... you know... when I was all about masturbation and wanting to be fucked....

Update

I've stopped bothering to keep track of how long it's been since I haven't had sex. I miss my libido but I've pretty much just let it go for now. It matters not at all. Well. Not much. I still masturbate, but as a way of release and relaxation rather than for true enjoyment and pleasure.

The other day, Husband was kissing on me and I rolled over. I would have actually gone along with it it, had it not been 10:30 on a night when I should have gone to sleep by 9:30... and had been stressed and sick all day. Okay, okay, there are always excuses. But seriously. And then the next day I got my period. The weird thing is, I'm usually super horny the night before I start but not that night. And certainly not since!

I'm still having something of a crush on my gay coworker. On his good days. Except I swear I've slept with a guy with a body just like his and been completely weirded out by the thinness of his hips and ass.... and the hugeness of his cock. All of which appear to be true of this particular guy. So weird.

Other than that, though... it's all about video games and work. I bounce between the two with little time or thought left over between.