Written but unpublished till now.

I've found myself sighing whistfully about the sybian. I loaded up some videos of it in action and found myself getting incredibly wet.

It's been a long time since I've gotten really wet without even having to touch myself a little. And really, if I'm honest my wetness had nothing to do with the sybian and everything to do with female orgasm.

There's something so fucking hot about watching another woman cumming. Years ago, when I was first getting into the idea that I could fuck whomever I want, I engaged in a lot of phone sex with men far too far away. One of my more "adventurous" calls involved a guy from the midwest named Kevin. Kevin asked if he could call me and get another girl on the line. I don't remember much of what he said, anymore, though I know he talked quite a bit. No, what drove me to orgasm, finally, was hearing her.

He informed me that "she's VERY orgasmic" even as he encouraged her to her next orgasm. Me, well, I've never been all that orgasmic. However, after reaching my first orgasm around the time of her first, and listening to her building toward a second orgasm, I found myself in the midst of my own second, unlikely orgasm. I came hard, of quietly, shyly depriving them of the pleasure of hearing me cum as I listened intently to her moans.

Once she came a second time he gently disengaged me from the call, telling me he wanted some private time with her, or something like that and I lay on my bed afterward entirely sure I could have had a continued series of orgasms had he only been willing to let us both stay on the line.

After that call, I considered briefly and finally cold called another of my willing phone sex partners who graciously (and gratefully) accompanied me to a third very neccessary orgasm.

Oddly, I don't have particularly strong urges to have sex with another woman. However, I imagine should I ever "accidentally" find myself in the position to do so, it might be a very, very long night.

Adventures in Toyland

I've sent off for a new toy. Well, actually a pair of new toys. Well, really, two versions of the same thing.

I will soon be the possessor of my very own "rabbit" vibrator.

Unfortunately, when I say "soon" I'm pretty sure I don't even mean THIS WEEK. But, you know, eventually. Especially with new years day falling in the middle of all this. *sigh*

I'm hopeful the wait will be well worth the pay off. Preferably, repeated pay offs.

Christmas

I spent much of the Christmas holiday with family. At one point we spent some time with my husband's family. At which point my entirely way too fucking hot relative by marriage insisted on calling me, repeatedly, by my relation name to himself. "Hey, cuz," he would say, pointedly, even as I envisioned ripping his clothes off his body and making him my love slave.

He is not my cousin. He is not a relative of mine at all. There is no blood between us. Body fluids would be fine, but no familial blood.

So I spent several days fantasizing about his hard, naked body. This all just before my period, the horniest time in my month. I was finally unable to resist any longer and found myself masturbating furiously, envisioning his fingers and mouth and all the wonderful things I'd make him do with them. Far from home and sadly without any of my normal implements of pleasure I found myself with a hair brush handle buried in my pussy and my fingers stroking my clit in earnest. I came like I haven't in a long time and lay panting on the bed for several minutes after, knowing he was no more than about 20 feet from me the entire time.

No doubt he knows I want him. Not to keep, just to fuck a few times....

Besides my taboo fantasies, husband managed to fuck me for several minutes for the first time in... well... I don't know how long it's been. We could only manage the slowest, most tender sex, though, because the bed kept creaking and there were too many witnesses in the house. I was terribly disappointed. But it felt so god damned good to be filled again, to feel cock inside me for those few minutes....

Gay-ass porn

While all of my roomies were gone, I raided my gay roomie's porn cabinet for some amusement. He gave me permission to borrow, though I wasn't sure that he meant it. Still, he said it and I left only fingerprints so I don't feel too badly about it. In fact, given the stunning quality of the movie, I must say I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

As it turns out, men in gay porn are hot. My roomie and I have the same taste in men and his porn collection stunningly depicts this fact. It was really, really sexy. I was so pleased.

I'm going to be very sad when he moves out.

Charisma

Yesterday I spent a very large chunk of my day with a very charismatic gay man. Reasonably attractive, he has the confidence of a much better looking man... but none of the ego.

And it was irresistible.

I'm a horny girl, I'll give you that. Horny and unfucked for a very, very long time. So I'm particularly susceptible to seduction.

I got up early this morning and masturbated, having a very fast, very satisfying orgasm. That is how much the guy stirred me up. I couldn't NOT masturbate. I had to scratch that particular itch. I feel more normal now. More able to control my loins and my thoughts.

Anyway, the whole point to this... and the conversation I had with my sister is the following... how does one actually become that charismatic? There has to be a way to create that. My sister thinks some people are just born that way. I think that may be true to a point. But not completely true. I think there must be a lot more to it than just genetics or some kind of early socialization. There simply has to be a way to learn it, doesn't there?

There are a ton of books on the subject. But really, if they worked wouldn't so many more of us be charismatic?

Cock Watching

So the other day my coworker got something on his pants. Which required him to spend a while wiping at his crotch. And left me with a valid reason to stare at his crotch and giggle. Except I just kept thinking "it's just so... big...." Staring at his cock through his pants I imagined it looks just like that of "the ex." The same curve and broadness. So obvious. I'm so jealous he's wasting it on some guy. Some person who isn't ME....

Blog on, dude!

It's funny how taking a long while off from posting makes coming up with titles for posts much easier. Even if they don't always make sense.

Anyway. I looked in the mirror, after reading a recent comment, and realised I very much live in the past. Not ALL the time. But enough of it. Isn't that the human condition?

Just Long Enough

I swear Keith comes around just long enough to make me... well... long for him. And then he goes away again. Which is all internet contact. God knows why we've never traded phone numbers once he moved back to the states. My cell number might actually even be local for him since when I got it they gave me a strange Maryland phone number and he's in that general vicinity.

Then again, god, what would we talk about? The same old rehashing of what I already know... ie we still want one another but we're too far away and boy, oh, boy weren't those some great days together....

I swear I spend great portions of my life these days longing for what used to be. I miss the crushes I had on the cops, I miss all the casual sex I had. Even some of the bad stuff. At least it was something to write about... to think about... to do....

Among my favorite activities has always been to fuck someone I "shouldn't." I slept with an officer (or two) for just that reason. And of course a couple of other "taboo" boys before I left. Some of the thrill has worn off since my husband left the military... they're not quite as taboo as they were... but I still can't help but smile a little, thinking about it. I want more of THAT. Except, as it turns out, there's less of that kind of excitement in the real world. Fewer rules.

And let's just get this one clear... I'm SOOOO not fucking anyone from work. None of them are acceptable for that purpose. Which just leaves me sad.

I do have an option of a local computer geek. I adore computer geeks, a preference dating back to my formative teenage years. But I can't bring myself to be passionately interested in him the way I'd hoped. Then again, we haven't met. There could be some major sparks. Or we could create some....

But, yeah. I'm not really sure what to do with myself, still. Other than sit and pine for my beloved Keith who is so far away, and so very kinky-sexy.

Beating

Sometimes I think about hitting him. Hard. With his own belt, since I never wear one. I want to watch the clench of his mucles and the way his body arches away, or even toward the strap.

I give in to sin, because you have to make this life livable...

Three songs:

The Weekend-- Steve Wariner
When Will I Let Go-- Steve Wariner
Strange Love-- Depeche Mode

Share and share...

So I told my gay housemate that if he found a nice bisexual guy I'd be very willing to share him. He laughed. I was kind of serious. But then decided that might be annoying.

I'm pretty sure my gay housemate would be willing to sleep with my husband if husband were into it. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to admit any interest. I guess that's okay because he'd probably discover that he's totally gay and that'd be the end of my marriage. Which might not be so bad because....

I spent the vast majority of the drive home from the next state over listening to random songs from my ipod and considering which ones most make me think of Keith. Whom I've been very good about NOT posting about for a very, very long time, I think.

He and I haven't had a lot of contact of late. He's a busy, independant guy with plenty to do besides have me moon at him. Which is great. But it's hard to build any sort of relationship/friendship on something like that. That doesn't mean I don't miss him and think of fucking his brains out on a regular basis.

Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm still kind of saving myself for him. I've tried sleeping around (a year ago, granted) and found it to be less than satisfying. My fantasies still pretty much revolve around him. It's sad, pathetic, and obsessive.

Meanwhile, one of the men that I work with (men in power, mind you) came walking in on his day off. He's a fairly attractive middle aged guy, smart, and rather funny. He was wearing a sweatshirt with a big red circle in the middle. I had a moment where I had to pause and take a second look. Except it wasn't what I thought it was. However, I found myself entertaining the thought and finding myself very turned on by the idea. I really liked the idea of him being into something vaguely kinky like that. Delicious. Except he's not. So... you know... nevermind. I'm over it. But there was a moment there.

And now for something completely different...

I hit 86. The sad thing is, I own several of the movies on here, but still haven't bothered to watch them. But really, despite what it says, I think a better indication of whether you have a life or not is if you take the time to #1 read this, and even more importantly... #2 do it yourself.


SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 89 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 266 movies on this list. Copy this list. Then, put x's next to the movies you've seen, add them up, and share your number. Have fun!
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
() Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
()KING KONG
(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
() The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(X Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
() Shrek 2
() Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old-virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Baseketball
(X) Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
(X) Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
() High Tension
() Club Dread
(X) Hulk
(X) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
() Brazil
() Contact
() Cube
() Dr. Strangelove
() Enlightenment Guaranteed
(X) Four Rooms
(X) Memento
() Pi
() Requiem for a Dream
(X) Pulp Fiction
() Reservoir Dogs
() Run Lola Run
() Russian Ark
() Serenity
(X) Sin City
() Snatch
() Spider
(X) The Sixth Sense
(X) The Village
() Waking Life
() Zatoichi
() Ikiru
() The Seven Samurai
() Brick
() Akira

Over what?

I love spending time with my husband. We've spent a lot (a LOT) of time together of late. However, with him finding his new job (though it is temporary) he's been out of the house a lot more. I get three days off each week, and as things stand, I share only one with him. The other two seem oddly lonely.

On the other hand, I'm very thrilled to be able to spend as much time as I want masturbating myself to some delicious and much needed orgasms. It's been a good year since I've felt so free and it's fucking awesome. I mean, sure, I managed a few here and there but... seriously... it wasn't enough.

All this masturbation is, of course, putting me in the mood for some serious fucking. For whatever reason, my sister and I had a conversation about a headboard that used to belong to a gay friend, briefly to her, and then on to another fellow. All sexually active folks. "I wonder how many people have fucked over that footboard, now" she mused. Which led to further conversation of it being the perfect height to bend someone over (or be bent over, as the case may be) and fuck. Meanwhile, Pluff is muttering about bending someone over and giving them a good pounding.

I want some of that, too.

It's back... for now.

The other day I stuck a condom on husband's penis and climbed on for a few minutes until he said I was pressing on his bladder and he really had to pee. I let him go and that was the end of that, although once he came back he wanted to keep going. I was no longer terribly interested as I hadn't been all that interested in the first place and was entirely offended by his leaving. Afterall, it may be the first time in a year he's had his cock in me. Perhaps longer than a year. However, out of a sense of charity and adoring to please cock, I did help him get off anyway.

Since before then, my libido has been back rather strongly. Unfortuantely, the type and number of men I come into contact with has dropped dramatically. Familiarity is an important part of my sense of attraction and there just aren't enough men around to keep me interested.

Meanwhile, I do work with a guy around my age. I spend a lot of time close to him, in a lot of physical proximity and occasionally touching. At times, he touches me when he doesn't technically have to. I adore it and do nothing to discourage the behavior. When he first started working with me, I kept finding myself looking at his cock through his pants. It's rather... prominent. Hard to ignore, really. I still find my attention caught by it now and again, but less often. I've learned some self control. All of this is, of course, leading up to the fact that he's totally gay. So there's nothing there at all in reality. But I can't help but be a attracted to him at times. And to think about his cock a lot.

Which really just goes to show the lacking quality of men around me. Unattractive or gay. Those are my choices. It's no wonder my coworker (who is cute, by the way) is single. Options around here appear to be way too few or too far between. Regardless of what the local kinkster bloggers seem to think.

The adult website (you know the one) is pathetically devoid of worthwhile men. Craigslist always strikes me as very, very seedy. I can't explain but it just gives me the willies. On the other hand, there are probably the same men on both sites. So whatever.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sex Around Me

I found myself oddly attracted to a place one of my fellow bloggers hang out. And then I thought about the (small but possible) chance of running into said blogger and (god forbid) recognizing this person. And then I thought perhaps it would be best if I perhaps made a choice NOT to visit that establishment until I can guarantee I'm mature enough not to act like a star struck loser. Props to said blogger for writing well enough for me to even have the chance of being star struck. No, I won't name names because I'm that kind of loser.

Meanwhile, my sex life remains barren. I could have had sex a couple of times today with husband. It's been almost a year, now. He's apparently ready for his yearly fucking. We talked about shaving and all that sort of thing. Thinking about what he can do to make me more likely to at least suck his cock. It's funny and sad.

We talked about age and sexuality and all of that and about the fact that we're different people than we were years and years ago. He thinks maybe he's bad in bed and I told him he's proven to be very good in bed, but he's annoyingly selfish about things when it comes to sex. Not always, mind you, but often. "It's called foreplay," I told him, "and if you want to have sex with women, you should probably accept it as part of your life." He went on to tell me about a woman who doesn't like foreplay (some else's wife, he said). "But you live in the real world where the vast majority of women demand it. And the chances of you having sex with a woman like that is slim."

I doubt he took any of it to heart.

Meanwhile, my sister informed me earlier that she was having a boy over for some sex. She likes her men younger and thin. Very much the opposite of me. I'm not terribly jealous of her man. Only that she has one coming over. Dammit. Someone ELSE in this house is getting laid and it isn't ME!

Sexless

I think it may have been a year since the last time I had sex. With anyone. While in some ways that seems like a very, very long time... in others it feels like time has barely passed. It's so weird.

Meanwhile, my masturbatory fun has not decreased. I finally couldn't deal with not even getting to masturbate since my husband is ALWAYS HOME and we're pretty much confined to one small room when we're here. So a few nights I waited until late when husband was asleep and found something amusing on the internet, bringing myself to orgasm not 2 feet away from him as he lay completely oblivious. The next night I did the same. The third night I informed him I was going to have an orgasm before I went to sleep and proceeded to masturbate in bed next to him. He rolled to face the opposite direction and pretend to sleep. When he thought I'd cum he turned over to look at me. I looked back at him and we stared at each other for a long moment before I said "I'm not done." "Oh, I thought you came," he said, turning back away. I finished up and turned off the light. Last night, I lay in bed while he was on the computer and quietly masturbated myself to yet another silent orgasm. I don't think he even noticed. Well, maybe but he never let on....

Age is just a number... two.

So I figure I need to explain myself a little better. I think the assumption is that I'm afraid no one will want me anymore when I turn 30. Or now. Or something. Look, I'm not thrilled by the idea of turning 30 but I have another 11 months to cope. By the end of that time, I will hopefully find the whole thing very empowering... yada yada yada.

The thing with the age, though, is more about me when I was younger. About my views on sex and sexuality and age. As I get older I realize there are differences in maturity levels and it becomes clear that what I thought was acceptable at 19 isn't the same thing that I find acceptable at 29. While my own age preferences have gone up the IDEA of an "age preference" has become less important. At eighteen, twenty-nine seemed very mature, very sinister. Now, though, I realize that it's not SO much different. Different, yes, different enough that I don't want anything to do with eighteen year olds. That level of maturity is just... annoying. But to exclude someone because they're older than me... by some set amount... doesn't really make a lot of sense, anymore.

Turns out, maybe being "older" isn't that big of a deal.

Which isn't to say I don't still require a certain level of attractiveness. I'm a young American, after all. And there are social rules that have been drilled into me.

So now I can look at people who say they want someone no more than age 32 and shake my head in wonder at their naivety. I don't want that person. They clearly have more growing to do and if they aren't interested in me two years from now, I'm not so interested in them right now. But more importantly, who the hell says they're interested in older women, but not over 32. Who the fuck told them 33 was old and that anyone anywhere near that age (or under) would want to be described as "older"?!?

Age is just a....

So I was looking through some personal ads. Looking for hot, meaningless sex. Meaninglessly. I'm not sure I mean it.

Turns out, there are a lot of guys looking for sex. Who knew? But what surprises me the most is that I'm suddenly noticing the age limits imposed by those horny boys. "I like older women. Please don't be over 30." As I near that milestone age I'm suddenly struck by the oddity that were I mere 11 months older I'd be of no interest. 11 months. I don't think I look or feel all that different from how I looked 5 years ago. What's 11 months?

Which got me to thinking about where I draw my own lines. If 11 months are nothing... what's a few years? What's any of it in the grand scheme of things?

Not that I want an 18 year old. When I was 18 I didn't want an 18 year old... as it turns out, that hasn't changed. Well, there are exceptions. But they're few and far between.

But, yeah, so as I get older, I recognize the frustration so many men have related to me about age. It's really galling to be excluded from someone's interest merely because of a number which doesn't serve to represent me at all.

It would appear...

that I mostly just annoy Martin at this point. And I actually totally get that. He's a pretty proactive kind of guy and it's obvious he finds my situation frustrating. Namely, he thinks I'm a total fool to still be with Husband, knowing husband doesn't fuck me. The thing is, much as I often get frustrated by the lack of sex, I'm also totally okay with it. Afterall, I never have to have sex when I don't want to. The down side being I never get to have sex when I do. However, I CAN look elsewhere for that. And it's really fucking hot to be free to fuck whomever I want without worrying too much about all the relationship drama.

Look, I admit my situation isn't ideal. But, I'm pretty sure even just 10 years from now I won't look back and think "gah, I wasted my life." Which isn't to say I won't ever think that... but I'm pretty confident I won't.

I've started looking on adultfriendfinder again hoping to stumble across someone I want. However, I've spent enough time on the site to know that doesn't happen very often to me. I'm very picky. Very, very picky.

Anyway. Off to work.

Drunk typing

I have this terrible, terrible problem that the name I deleted off this blog is still related to it, thanks to Google. Gah. I will not be terribly surprised if Martin happens across this and goes "hmmm...." I don't think it'd take much to put two and two together. Hopefully he's either got the sense to realise this isn't really "reality" in the long term sense... (think the following quote I stole off someone: it's just a stupid diary of a stupid girl) so much as my immediate thoughts and feelings about things. Obviously people change, as do their views on things. So anyway, I'm just saying what was true of before and what I thought before is not always what I think and know now. Am I making sense? Or maybe he has the sense to leave me my "privacy."

I definitely like Keith reading. Or did. I loved him knowing things about me that others in my real life couldn't and didn't. On the other hand, it's limited me about what I write about. My ongoing desire for Keith is kind of embarrassing to me and I hate the idea of him knowing the reality of how much I still want him.... except I totally do.

Yeah, I'm a little too drunk to be blogging. I might not much much sense. I have to work tomorrow, early, too. Poor planning.

But god damn I'm horny....