David! I don't want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!

So I'm watching a movie about an English girl.  One of the plot points is about her losing her virginity at 17.  The man she chooses brings a banana to bed and manages to ruin the moment.

It made me laugh.  I lost my virginity to an empty bottle of Martinelli's cider.  I'm sure, as a company, they'd be very proud.

Anyway, I'm glad I took care of THAT piece of business by myself, because damn it hurt.  Needless to say once the shock had worn off, I was done masturbating for a while.  I always think I was really lucky, because I'm pretty sure had I been with a man... it would have been really anticlimactic.

Unless, maybe, it was with Keith.  Because, you know, I think I'd have gotten over it really fast.

Damn, I miss that man.  Will I pine forever?

Tonight....

Tonight is the last night I'll be spending at my friend's house.  I got a little melancholy last night.  But just a bit.

Keith sent me a lovely instant message.  Wonderfully, tragically romantic.  Don't ever let him tell you he can't write.  Or that he's not a romantic.  He's both.

I got to thinking about my desire to have a local stud to whose services I could call on as needed.  What a delight it would be to watch a house and have the freedom to have my lover come eat dinner with me or... of me.  Someone to relax and snuggle with away from home.  To play house, knowing it would only last a few delicious days before life we both returned to normal life again.

Can you imagine if I had posted that kind of invitation on Craig's list?  Can you imagine the types of responses I'd get?

But of course, the entire time I was imagining Keith draped across the couch in his white t-shirt.  Waiting impatiently for me to finish watering the plants or whatever chore I needed to do before I could spend the rest of the evening wrapped in his arms, tasting his skin....

So much to do, so much to see...

A photo from our recent trip to the lake.

I'm still looking for great things to do.  In a sense, my life will be on hold for a week while I stay at a friend's place, watching their cats and home.  I've never actually done this sort of thing before, and it'll be weird to be a few mere miles from home but not actually AT home.

You'd think this would be a great opportunity to hook up.  But I think that might be a very, very bad idea.  I'd absolutely do it if I had a guy I already knew.  Right, Keith?  Damn you for being so far away.  Damn ALL the men I've adored for being so far away.  You all suck.

So it'll be a week of lazing around someone else's house.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to bring my computer over so I can have something to do.  Otherwise, I might go CRAZY.  Can't live without the 'nets.

Ch-ch-changes...

God I hate that song.

So my life has been changing a lot again.  They say you change a lot in your 20's and in your 30's you finally settle in.  Apparently I'm about 10 years behind my peers in this....

I spent the day doing a photography workshop.  It was a gift from a friend.  I haven't gone to a "class" in years and certainly nothing like this.  I left the house feeling great anxiety but since I arrived almost an hour early, I managed to relax by the time class started.  And oh my god.  The teacher.  Man.  He was charismatic AND hot.  I had to keep myself from following him around the entire day.

I ended up befriending a fellow classmate, a guy who had at least a few years on me.  He'd have done me, if he had the chance.  I might have even considered giving him a chance.  Turns out, these workshops are great places to hook up!  But other than some vague flirting, he never bothered to make a move and I wasn't interested enough to make one of my own.

It was awfully nice meeting people who had the same sorts of interest as I, and there was a real variety of people there.  I had a lot of fun!

Tomorrow, I'm going for a hike to a lovely lake.  We'll spend the day there, swimming and relaxing.  An ultra-mini vacation.

My life is changing.  I'm becoming a more interesting person.  I think this all bodes well for the future....

Hey! A milestone!

As it turns out, this is my 1,002 post.  I'd have thought I'd write more.

So you want to know if I'm going to be posting more?  The answer is... well... unlikely.  I still don't have anything but fantasy to talk about.  Fantasy and masturbation.  Which in a sense is fine... but (in my opinion) is best for filling in missing action... you know... like in real life.  But not as a main meal, even if it's the only thing I've been surviving on for far too long.  Frankly, unless I start banging some other guy, I probably won't be writing much about a sex life (don't hold me to it).

As to Husband, he's not doing anything with himself right now.  However, he has an appointment with a doctor in the coming month and I'm hoping they'll put him on an antidepressant and... then maybe his libido will be even less than it was!  Ha ha.  Wait, this is not going to work out like I'd hoped....

Meanwhile, I've pretty much been continuously wet for several days.  The fact that I'm reading a lot of erotica is certainly helping with that.

Ooh, new blogginess

They've updated the blogger templates.  I like it!  A lot!  Much more personalizable without having to know cascading something or other and html.  Great for folks like me who probably have no business writing, anyway.

There isn't too much going on.  I think that's the theme of my blog for the last several years.  Hello, how may I bore you today?

I spend a lot of my time reading, now.  Mostly on my ipod with kindle app.  Oh, how I love those two things.  I adore having instant entertainment wherever I go.  It's no iphone, but you know... I'll manage.

There's a guy at work who has me somewhat entertained, lately.  I'm not the fun, flirtatious girl I used to be.  I value my job too much for that, and I assure you that kind of behavior would lead to some serious issues.  However, he's a young-ish, fun, masculine kind of guy.  The kind of guy I never see, at my work.  So even though I dare not flirt with him in even the gentlest way, I'm so very pleased to at least have the pleasure of being around him.  Yay, an attractive guy!

Of course, I suppose my pleasure at spending time around him comes from the slim pickings.  Otherwise... well, no, I'd still look twice.  He's great.  Anyway.

Husband and I still ain't doin' it.  However, I'm getting back toward that almost desperately horny state that led to so many of my other adventures.  Somehow, antidepressants and birth control be damned, my body wants what it wants.  The longer I go without sex, the less I worry about it.  But at the same time, I DO have needs.  And I have some KY his and hers that's waiting for testing.  Is it really that great?  Inquiring minds want to know....

So long

Being on the pill.  Boy.  It sure does its job.  I'm really not in any danger of getting pregnant when I never really want sex.  Good times.  Except, of course, when I go off it for the week.  And then I'm starving.  I start casting my eyes toward craigslist and fantasizing about Keith.  I had a sex dream about Martin, which was unexpected.  He was a fairly important part of my life just those few short years ago, but he's pretty much not intersected with me since before we moved away from the east coast.  The dream was unexpected but kind of fell into the "normal" sex dream thing for me.  No cock.  Although in the dream he was actually inside me, it just wasn't enough stimulation.  Kind of life real life.  Oh, snap.

I think I ended up reading a good portion of my archives tonight.  Thinking back fondly on the years I spent working with hot military boys and flirting my ass off.  I actually got damned good at that flirting stuff.  I never get to do it anymore, since I mostly work with unattractive men and lesbians.  And of course, since I really like my job I don't want to give the wrong impression.  Which is to say the right impression.

I miss the confidence and the fun I had back then.  It's hard to believe all the fun and games ended almost five years ago. I hear all good things must come to an end, but that's a real shame.

Husband and I have been doing a lot of activities lately, outdoors.  Nothing kinky.  Hmm.  But that could change, now that I think about it!  Anyway, so we've been getting out of the house a lot more lately than we ever used to.  The weather has been really poor the last two weeks and things have been really busy at work so I've been locked indoors far too often, lately.  I'm getting stir crazy!  That's part of the problem, see.  All that flirtation and fun and fucking (lots of f's there) was exactly what I'm craving.  Come winter, I might be in big trouble.  I might finally need to find myself some fine-ass man to keep me busy.

It's hard to imagine that it's been this long since I've been properly laid.  Give me a week and I'll be less concerned about it.  But for tonight, it blows my mind!

By the way, Craigslist?  Slim pickin's.  I forget how damned picky I am....

Canceled

I was supposed to go back for more testing, but my doctor cancelled it.  My dreams of seeing my beloved nurse-man are over.  I'm sure he doesn't work "regular" hours, so I undoubtedly couldn't count on seeing him this time, anyway.  But I'd hoped.

When I got the call cancelling my 2nd appointment my heart was heavy in my chest.  I'd already had a bad day and knowing I'd lost the chance to see my handsome man was very disappointing.  It all reminded me of living on the military base, hoping the hot boys I adored would come in and visit with me.  I miss that.  A lot.

I like the feelings the hormones give me.  I excitement, the happiness.  I crave it.  I was never so happy as I was during that time those years ago, surrounded by crush-able men.  I'm a flirtation junkie.  I can't deny it.  Is that wrong?

Hoooospital

I spent the night at the hospital last night.  No surprise, it was a planned thing.  Nothing to worry about, more preventative medicine than anything.  As with every other time in my life I have visited a hospital, I had a terrible night's sleep.  If it's not someone wandering in to take a temperature or check a vital then it's someone coming in to check a wire or prod at a sore spot.  Good times.

I was put in the capable hands of a gentleman who, well, he was kind of hot.  He put his hands in a lot of places and I tried very hard to make sure neither of us was uncomfortable about it.  However, after he left the room and I lay down to sleep I found my brain linger on him.  Instead of sleeping.  While he'd been setting me up for my evening at the hospital he'd described his own experience having similar work done.  And it made me envision him shirtless.  Naked.  OMG how I am supposed to sleep like this?

I forced myself to think of something else.  After all, my heart rate was being monitored.  But all night long I found myself drifting back to thoughts of him getting naked.  Getting me naked.  Oh, my.  I mean, he was at my god damned beck and call.  ALL NIGHT LONG.  When I needed to get up, he was right there, offering me a firm hand (to make sure I didn't disturb the equipment), so gentlemanly.

I lay back and imagined doing so many things to him and with him and... slept almost not at all.  Well, I can't say it was because of him.  But he certainly made the insomnia bearable....

And then I came home and had to masturbate while thinking about him.  It's been a while since I've felt that way about anyone.  I don't know what he thought of me, but I hope he'd be flattered to know he gave me a very nice orgasm.

Sixty-something.

So I'm sitting there, masturbating to some nice porn.  A guy going down on this (very porn-looking) chick.  And I'm thinking "Oh, here we go again.  Rush through the oral sex so she can get to you" and then I did what I often do, which is skip ahead to see if I'm right... and... I was wrong.  He was down there a long time.  Granted it was still very fake porn head... but I'll try to settle.  Skip ahead a little more and... oh, 69.  I can get into that.

I've never been a big fan of the simultaneous oral sex thing.  There's something about the idea of "sitting on" someone's face that just totally skeeves me.  I cannot cope with it.  Give me another position (side by side for instance) and I'm there.  Of course, it's not hard to flip things around once the fun has started, but just don't mention the sitting thing.  Distract me, please.

I've heard other people talk about how they DON'T like 69 because it really is distracting.  Apparently it's too hard to both give and receive at the same time.  Or hard to enjoy either.  I fully admit my experience is limited.  But one of the times I've experienced it, I really did get distracted while sucking his cock.  Not enough to stop, mind you.  I mean, that'd just be wrong.  But distracted enough to become a mindless, deep throating, sucking machine.  All the things that usually bother me about sucking cock (teeth biting into the tender skin of my lips, for instance) were suddenly non-issues.

I won't lie, I didn't get off.  Maybe that mindlessness turned him off.  Or maybe he realized he was going to blow and I wasn't there, yet.  All I know is that I like to suck cock while I masturbate... so why NOT 69?

BCP

So I'm on a birth control pill now.  Not really to prevent pregnancy but... you know, I'll use it for that, too.

I read somewhere (where?!?)  recently that someone thinks of taking their birth control pill as a daily reminder that they're NOT having sex.  A shame, really.  I'm thinking of it as a reminder that I CAN.  Score!

A More Serious Subject...

"...They had to go to foster care for a couple of days, how'd the little ones handle that...?"

"They were frightened to death. I mean... it was horrible because the kids were scared, frightened, didn't know where they were going.  Mommy and daddy didn't know where they were going and it was gut wrenching.  It really was."

 I transcribed that (minus the identifying or unnecessary portions of the wording) from a CNN hosted interview because I heard that emotional description and wonder why the fuck no one uses that to describe ALL the children who go into foster care.  I mean, yes, there are a few who handle it really well, couldn't care less where they are.  Some are even grateful.  But I assure you, the vast majority of children who are taken from their homes (no matter how terrifying) feel all the same things as those adored little ones described above.

The parents are suing their local government for the heartache and pain caused by the "mistaken" removal of their children.  I suspect it'll be a lot of years and a lot of appeals before this ends.  And really, as a child of the foster care system I can't help but hope IF a settlement does come out of this, that it doesn't come out of the lives of the foster kids who do need to be in the system.  And really, I hope they lose their case, because you know, much as I know it was a terrible, terrifying experience for all of them... it's more important that they DO catch people who abuse their kids than NOT cause a few days of upset.

But then I don't have kids.  So what do I know?

Gimme Gimme Some

I'm reading this fantasy novel and there was a (very tame) sex scene in it.  Which was unexpected and exceptionally well written.  I found myself trying to snuggle with Husband.  He was in a bad mood.  Fuck, his timing is awful.

Meanwhile, it's that time of the month (although in my case, you know I mean YEAR) and I'm going through all the normal PMS-y, horny things I go through this time of the month.  It's been a while since I've been at this level of sadness.  It's kind of funny, because I recognize it for what it is and it feels old and familiar and sort of comfortable.  Even while I'm sad.

When husband finally came around to snuggling, he started to get a hard on.  Of course I have my period and he knew it by then.  Sex is sooooo uncomfortable during the first day or two of my period.  But oh, god how I want it.  If husband had actually tried to fuck me, I'd have been all over him anyway....

The thing is...

I was browsing, thinking I could use a few new casual wear shirts.  In my search, I came across the shirt included here.

At which point I seriously thought to myself "I'd NEVER wear that."  Not because it's ugly, a bad design, or even not my style.  No no.  It's because it'd be likely that a person wearing this shirt to be eaten by zombies.  It's comic relief and I don't want to be the comic relief.

Yeah.  I thought that.  Because, you know, zombies are real. And life is a movie.

Servers!

It's raining out.  Gmail is down.  Warcraft servers are down.  I've already worked 11 hours this week (when I would normally have worked none yet).  Dammit!  What a crappy "weekend" this has been for me.  Really this post was a test to see if blogger is down, too.  Because I would have found it funny.

I don't really mind the rain.

Argh!

I tried posting the other day and blogger said "I'm broken." That was that.

So, let's see. I have a sick cat. The vet is currently at almost as much as a loss as I am as to what the hell is going on. It's all urinary but isn't making much sense via ultrasound, urinalysis, culture, etc. Switching to a urinary diet isn't ideal since she's got food allergies. One way or the other she's kind of fucked. It's very frustrating and I'm in the middle of dealing with another major episode from her. I'm starting to get the picture that it's the stress of going to the vet that's causing the problem... but I can't prove it, yet.

I made a doctor's appointment for myself. I want to get on one of the new birth controls and finally get officially diagnosed with the PCOS I so obviously have. And then deal with that. Unfortunately, it's a new doctor for me which means I get to wait a long-ass time before I can get in. Suck. But at least I've made the appointment! And then they'll diagnose me with high blood pressure and I'll claim it's at least partially because I'm afraid of the white coats!

My period has gotten so out of control, I honestly can't remember the last time I got it. It was... months ago. 4? More? I don't know! I've spotted a few times and have gone through the whole PMS episode this month. I thought for sure I'd get my period, especially due to an increased horniness factor that always comes on. The day before I become desperate and insatiable which I experienced as well as a little spotting and then... nothing. Just another normal day.

For the sake of my sex life, I need to find something. Get things under control. Because otherwise, my libido is almost nonexistent. And I'm pretty sure, the less sex I have, the more irregular I become and the less interested in sex I am. It's a terrible, terrible cycle. Just ask my husband....

On a different note, I purchased a 4-pack of Jones Pure Cane Cream Soda. I've had a partial bottle sitting on my desk since last night. First of all, I never bothered to try Pepsi throwback because I don't like Pepsi, but I am very curious about Mexican Coke (which apparently is made with sugar instead of corn syrup). Now, even more so since I've tried the Jones and fallen madly in love. Plus, the sweet, vanilla smell that comes off the bottle sitting a couple of feet away is driving me crazy. No candle ever smelled so good, let alone a bottle of soda!

Also, I never believed it, but it turns out I have a sensitivity to certain shampoos. Herbal Essences is the devil and makes my head itch and itch. I bought Sauve on a lark, as a replacement and that stuff makes me ENTIRE BODY itch. I finally replaced that with Pantene (which I've successfully used before) and for the first time in a month got out of the shower feeling clean and comfortable in my skin. The thing is, I don't BATHE with the stuff. But it's hard to keep shampoo and conditioner from running down my body. Having the middle of my back itch, well... it's been frustrating to say the least.

I woke myself up at 7am this morning to call work. By telling myself just before I fell asleep at 2:30 that it was very, very important that I wake up at 7am to call work. And I did. At EXACTLY 7am. The human mind can be freaky wonderful, sometimes. But now I'm going back to sleep!

Before I go to bed

I mean, not to be gross or anything but I'm going to need an explanation of how someone can "lose" something inside their vagina. I bring this up because I happened across a post about someone "losing a tampon" in their vagina. This is not the first time I've heard of such things. As a teenager this used to freak me out. As an adult, I remain mystified. I mean, my vagina isn't some gaping black hole. The whole "lost in a vagina" thing sounds rather curiously like something a young teenage boy would come up with. And yet. It always seems to be girls bringing it up. Seriously, wtf.

So busy!

I'm so busy with my life (and with doing things I enjoy) that I don't even have time to post. Which I guess means I don't enjoy it as much as I once did.

That's a shame. I've been a life-long journaler and here I am... not journaling. WTF?

I'm not sure what's going on with my lately, maybe it's the fact that I'm living under thinly veneered sense of terror. Maybe it's something else, but boy have I been working on being organized and eating right and all that crap, lately. Which isn't to say I didn't eat an emergency cupcake just before dinner. I had a need.

Money is especially tight around here these days. For reasons not even related to the economy. We've been virtually (and magically) untouched by the recession so many others have had to deal with. But, with medical problems piling up and the potential of my roomie losing her job (and therefore our place since the two are intertwined) well... it's a little scary. The job loss is probably not a realistic problem. But it is a mild possibility. Enough to make me hyperventilate a little. On the inside.

Luckily, wedding season (for us) is over. Gifts are bought and paid for. "Special" outfits no longer need to chosen and upgraded. Life is back to it's usual pace. Maybe now we can finally overtake the bills again....

Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.

Forgetting to title...

Sweat sweat sweat. The North West in the middle of a ridiculous heatwave. Thank god for fans and portable A/C. It's too bad it's not central air. God, I miss the East Coast where all the reasonable people have central air. I mentioned this to my husband and he responded "you just miss all the military boys." Yeah. That, too.

I wandered through the kitchen and god... everything needs to be cooked. Hot and in the oven. Boiled, adding heat to heat. Obviously I'm going shopping later for cold foods. Because god damn.

The funny thin about the above paragraph... kitchen and god... I'm reading the Kitchen God's Wife. I've never read any of Amy Tan's books. But I did like the movie of the Joy Luck Club so I figured it was worth a try. So far the narrative is similarly set up, which makes it quicker for me to catch on. I kinda hate it when the author changes narrators but doesn't warn the reader. Even worse is when they change narrators AND time. I get so lost....

And while I know no one wants to hear about it... one of my dogs is dozing on my pillow and occasionally blinking sleepily at me in invitation. He looks so comfortable and soft.....