Salesman

I stopped using my birth control. Not because I want to get pregnant. It was an oversight really. But then I remembered how much I love being off birth control. My hormones are running free again.

I have been dealing with a salesman, trying to sell me on a rather expensive item for my company. I want it very badly. I also want him.

As he was describing all the wonderful things his product does, I was thinking about fucking him. I noted the ring on his finger.

When I talked to him again later, asking for some pricing info, I wanted to ask him if sexual favors weeks change pricing at all. Could I give him a blow job to seal the deal, maybe?

I wonder what he'd be like bed. If I sucked his dick would he lay back, moaning his pleasure letting me tease him toward orgasm? Or would he make a fist in my hair, forcing his cock into my throat using me for his release.

I'm not the kind of girl to go looking to run a marriage. But I love the forbidden. And I want to know if he's as confident in bed as he is in a meeting.

Hungry

I'm painfully cock hungry right now.  I crave a good man to attend my needs. Not someone who obsesses his own pleasure but who shares in mine the same way I share in his.  Yes, I want hard fucking that lasts hours.  But preferably from someone who enjoys it as much as I. 

It feels like an impossible request.

At work there's a long time client who had done some work for us as well.  I suspect he'd be delicious in bed.  Thoughtful, if not as shameless and endlessly hungry as I am.  No doubt Keith I his endless understanding of my needs would encourage that tryst.  And the details.  But I worry about that interaction and the ramifications. 

I'm not enough of a sex addict to damage my job... Or take the chance.

But dammit.  I'm hungry.

Sex dreams with a dark twist.

Keith wrote to me the other day. Just a brief "hey" and not much more.  Somehow it was enough to awaken my longing for his nakedness. But last night I somehow cast my lust on to Mads Mikkelson.  I've watched Hannibal and never really lusted after the man.  And then maybe I did.

Then last night I had a series of dreams that cemented my desire.  He was Hannibal and I was drugged.  He fingered me and let me ride his hand to near orgasm just clinically enjoying my body's struggle for release. He let me stuck on his other finger, giving me the opportunity to taste his flesh and work toward seducing him.  I came in a strangely gentle and barely satisfying way.  He kissed me and my entire self was focused on the feel of his lips and tongue. 
I could hear my husband banging his feet on something, trying to escape some kind of bonds in another room.  Mads left and I could hear an unforgiving impact of his fist.  Then silence.  I felt guilty and angry then just lust again.  There was, of course a very dark psychological element to all of this.  Very Hannibal.  He ultimately wounded me gently, tenderly, regretfully leaving me to die.  Maybe. 

I woke from my dreams and had to masturbate to relax.  But now my nipples are achy and want to feel the scrape of his teeth, the wetness of his tongue, and the hard sucking of his lips.  I want my nipples left swollen and red and uncomfortable so I can remember the feel of his mouth on me for days.

My pussy is empty.  I can only hope going back to sleep will fill it, at least in my dreams.

Memories...

Looking back at one of my first lovers after I got married I realize that despite being about 21 and him being about 29 we were both very much teenagers. He was very tentative and gentle. He wanted to be "kinky" but had a hard time really expressing it. He loved to finger me and watch my reactions. He studied my pussy like it was fascinating. We fooled around for weeks but only fucked once. Very teenagerish. I'm glad I had him but I cannot imagine waiting that long to feel a cock inside me. I don't think I could let a man take things at such a slow pace ever again.

Man, he had a huge cock.

Yes!

Now I can use my phone to post. But will I?

Support

As predatory as it may be, I think looking for a sex partner at a sex addicts support group might be really easy.  Of course, I tend to think the sort of person who would attend one of those meetings probably has a lot of OTHER things going on... so maybe I'm wrong there.  But there's only one way to find out for sure, right?

Speaking of threesomes....

Who doesn't love the idea of a threesome?  (That is a rhetorical question, for sure).

Above is a screen capture of one of the things I'd love to experience.  Except, you know, I want me two men... not two women.  But I'll take what I can get.  Maybe.  And I'm not sure that's the best position to experience the delight of a tongue on my clit and a cock in my pussy.  But I'm willing to try!

Of course, keep in mind that both of the guys would have to be bi and not so into one another as to ignore ME.  Because I'm the star of this show, dammit....

Need it.

I'm going through one of those phases.  Where I want it allllll the time.  Dammit.

David! I don't want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!

So I'm watching a movie about an English girl.  One of the plot points is about her losing her virginity at 17.  The man she chooses brings a banana to bed and manages to ruin the moment.

It made me laugh.  I lost my virginity to an empty bottle of Martinelli's cider.  I'm sure, as a company, they'd be very proud.

Anyway, I'm glad I took care of THAT piece of business by myself, because damn it hurt.  Needless to say once the shock had worn off, I was done masturbating for a while.  I always think I was really lucky, because I'm pretty sure had I been with a man... it would have been really anticlimactic.

Unless, maybe, it was with Keith.  Because, you know, I think I'd have gotten over it really fast.

Damn, I miss that man.  Will I pine forever?

Tonight....

Tonight is the last night I'll be spending at my friend's house.  I got a little melancholy last night.  But just a bit.

Keith sent me a lovely instant message.  Wonderfully, tragically romantic.  Don't ever let him tell you he can't write.  Or that he's not a romantic.  He's both.

I got to thinking about my desire to have a local stud to whose services I could call on as needed.  What a delight it would be to watch a house and have the freedom to have my lover come eat dinner with me or... of me.  Someone to relax and snuggle with away from home.  To play house, knowing it would only last a few delicious days before life we both returned to normal life again.

Can you imagine if I had posted that kind of invitation on Craig's list?  Can you imagine the types of responses I'd get?

But of course, the entire time I was imagining Keith draped across the couch in his white t-shirt.  Waiting impatiently for me to finish watering the plants or whatever chore I needed to do before I could spend the rest of the evening wrapped in his arms, tasting his skin....

So much to do, so much to see...

A photo from our recent trip to the lake.

I'm still looking for great things to do.  In a sense, my life will be on hold for a week while I stay at a friend's place, watching their cats and home.  I've never actually done this sort of thing before, and it'll be weird to be a few mere miles from home but not actually AT home.

You'd think this would be a great opportunity to hook up.  But I think that might be a very, very bad idea.  I'd absolutely do it if I had a guy I already knew.  Right, Keith?  Damn you for being so far away.  Damn ALL the men I've adored for being so far away.  You all suck.

So it'll be a week of lazing around someone else's house.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to bring my computer over so I can have something to do.  Otherwise, I might go CRAZY.  Can't live without the 'nets.

Ch-ch-changes...

God I hate that song.

So my life has been changing a lot again.  They say you change a lot in your 20's and in your 30's you finally settle in.  Apparently I'm about 10 years behind my peers in this....

I spent the day doing a photography workshop.  It was a gift from a friend.  I haven't gone to a "class" in years and certainly nothing like this.  I left the house feeling great anxiety but since I arrived almost an hour early, I managed to relax by the time class started.  And oh my god.  The teacher.  Man.  He was charismatic AND hot.  I had to keep myself from following him around the entire day.

I ended up befriending a fellow classmate, a guy who had at least a few years on me.  He'd have done me, if he had the chance.  I might have even considered giving him a chance.  Turns out, these workshops are great places to hook up!  But other than some vague flirting, he never bothered to make a move and I wasn't interested enough to make one of my own.

It was awfully nice meeting people who had the same sorts of interest as I, and there was a real variety of people there.  I had a lot of fun!

Tomorrow, I'm going for a hike to a lovely lake.  We'll spend the day there, swimming and relaxing.  An ultra-mini vacation.

My life is changing.  I'm becoming a more interesting person.  I think this all bodes well for the future....

Hey! A milestone!

As it turns out, this is my 1,002 post.  I'd have thought I'd write more.

So you want to know if I'm going to be posting more?  The answer is... well... unlikely.  I still don't have anything but fantasy to talk about.  Fantasy and masturbation.  Which in a sense is fine... but (in my opinion) is best for filling in missing action... you know... like in real life.  But not as a main meal, even if it's the only thing I've been surviving on for far too long.  Frankly, unless I start banging some other guy, I probably won't be writing much about a sex life (don't hold me to it).

As to Husband, he's not doing anything with himself right now.  However, he has an appointment with a doctor in the coming month and I'm hoping they'll put him on an antidepressant and... then maybe his libido will be even less than it was!  Ha ha.  Wait, this is not going to work out like I'd hoped....

Meanwhile, I've pretty much been continuously wet for several days.  The fact that I'm reading a lot of erotica is certainly helping with that.

Ooh, new blogginess

They've updated the blogger templates.  I like it!  A lot!  Much more personalizable without having to know cascading something or other and html.  Great for folks like me who probably have no business writing, anyway.

There isn't too much going on.  I think that's the theme of my blog for the last several years.  Hello, how may I bore you today?

I spend a lot of my time reading, now.  Mostly on my ipod with kindle app.  Oh, how I love those two things.  I adore having instant entertainment wherever I go.  It's no iphone, but you know... I'll manage.

There's a guy at work who has me somewhat entertained, lately.  I'm not the fun, flirtatious girl I used to be.  I value my job too much for that, and I assure you that kind of behavior would lead to some serious issues.  However, he's a young-ish, fun, masculine kind of guy.  The kind of guy I never see, at my work.  So even though I dare not flirt with him in even the gentlest way, I'm so very pleased to at least have the pleasure of being around him.  Yay, an attractive guy!

Of course, I suppose my pleasure at spending time around him comes from the slim pickings.  Otherwise... well, no, I'd still look twice.  He's great.  Anyway.

Husband and I still ain't doin' it.  However, I'm getting back toward that almost desperately horny state that led to so many of my other adventures.  Somehow, antidepressants and birth control be damned, my body wants what it wants.  The longer I go without sex, the less I worry about it.  But at the same time, I DO have needs.  And I have some KY his and hers that's waiting for testing.  Is it really that great?  Inquiring minds want to know....

So long

Being on the pill.  Boy.  It sure does its job.  I'm really not in any danger of getting pregnant when I never really want sex.  Good times.  Except, of course, when I go off it for the week.  And then I'm starving.  I start casting my eyes toward craigslist and fantasizing about Keith.  I had a sex dream about Martin, which was unexpected.  He was a fairly important part of my life just those few short years ago, but he's pretty much not intersected with me since before we moved away from the east coast.  The dream was unexpected but kind of fell into the "normal" sex dream thing for me.  No cock.  Although in the dream he was actually inside me, it just wasn't enough stimulation.  Kind of life real life.  Oh, snap.

I think I ended up reading a good portion of my archives tonight.  Thinking back fondly on the years I spent working with hot military boys and flirting my ass off.  I actually got damned good at that flirting stuff.  I never get to do it anymore, since I mostly work with unattractive men and lesbians.  And of course, since I really like my job I don't want to give the wrong impression.  Which is to say the right impression.

I miss the confidence and the fun I had back then.  It's hard to believe all the fun and games ended almost five years ago. I hear all good things must come to an end, but that's a real shame.

Husband and I have been doing a lot of activities lately, outdoors.  Nothing kinky.  Hmm.  But that could change, now that I think about it!  Anyway, so we've been getting out of the house a lot more lately than we ever used to.  The weather has been really poor the last two weeks and things have been really busy at work so I've been locked indoors far too often, lately.  I'm getting stir crazy!  That's part of the problem, see.  All that flirtation and fun and fucking (lots of f's there) was exactly what I'm craving.  Come winter, I might be in big trouble.  I might finally need to find myself some fine-ass man to keep me busy.

It's hard to imagine that it's been this long since I've been properly laid.  Give me a week and I'll be less concerned about it.  But for tonight, it blows my mind!

By the way, Craigslist?  Slim pickin's.  I forget how damned picky I am....

Canceled

I was supposed to go back for more testing, but my doctor cancelled it.  My dreams of seeing my beloved nurse-man are over.  I'm sure he doesn't work "regular" hours, so I undoubtedly couldn't count on seeing him this time, anyway.  But I'd hoped.

When I got the call cancelling my 2nd appointment my heart was heavy in my chest.  I'd already had a bad day and knowing I'd lost the chance to see my handsome man was very disappointing.  It all reminded me of living on the military base, hoping the hot boys I adored would come in and visit with me.  I miss that.  A lot.

I like the feelings the hormones give me.  I excitement, the happiness.  I crave it.  I was never so happy as I was during that time those years ago, surrounded by crush-able men.  I'm a flirtation junkie.  I can't deny it.  Is that wrong?

Hoooospital

I spent the night at the hospital last night.  No surprise, it was a planned thing.  Nothing to worry about, more preventative medicine than anything.  As with every other time in my life I have visited a hospital, I had a terrible night's sleep.  If it's not someone wandering in to take a temperature or check a vital then it's someone coming in to check a wire or prod at a sore spot.  Good times.

I was put in the capable hands of a gentleman who, well, he was kind of hot.  He put his hands in a lot of places and I tried very hard to make sure neither of us was uncomfortable about it.  However, after he left the room and I lay down to sleep I found my brain linger on him.  Instead of sleeping.  While he'd been setting me up for my evening at the hospital he'd described his own experience having similar work done.  And it made me envision him shirtless.  Naked.  OMG how I am supposed to sleep like this?

I forced myself to think of something else.  After all, my heart rate was being monitored.  But all night long I found myself drifting back to thoughts of him getting naked.  Getting me naked.  Oh, my.  I mean, he was at my god damned beck and call.  ALL NIGHT LONG.  When I needed to get up, he was right there, offering me a firm hand (to make sure I didn't disturb the equipment), so gentlemanly.

I lay back and imagined doing so many things to him and with him and... slept almost not at all.  Well, I can't say it was because of him.  But he certainly made the insomnia bearable....

And then I came home and had to masturbate while thinking about him.  It's been a while since I've felt that way about anyone.  I don't know what he thought of me, but I hope he'd be flattered to know he gave me a very nice orgasm.

Sixty-something.

So I'm sitting there, masturbating to some nice porn.  A guy going down on this (very porn-looking) chick.  And I'm thinking "Oh, here we go again.  Rush through the oral sex so she can get to you" and then I did what I often do, which is skip ahead to see if I'm right... and... I was wrong.  He was down there a long time.  Granted it was still very fake porn head... but I'll try to settle.  Skip ahead a little more and... oh, 69.  I can get into that.

I've never been a big fan of the simultaneous oral sex thing.  There's something about the idea of "sitting on" someone's face that just totally skeeves me.  I cannot cope with it.  Give me another position (side by side for instance) and I'm there.  Of course, it's not hard to flip things around once the fun has started, but just don't mention the sitting thing.  Distract me, please.

I've heard other people talk about how they DON'T like 69 because it really is distracting.  Apparently it's too hard to both give and receive at the same time.  Or hard to enjoy either.  I fully admit my experience is limited.  But one of the times I've experienced it, I really did get distracted while sucking his cock.  Not enough to stop, mind you.  I mean, that'd just be wrong.  But distracted enough to become a mindless, deep throating, sucking machine.  All the things that usually bother me about sucking cock (teeth biting into the tender skin of my lips, for instance) were suddenly non-issues.

I won't lie, I didn't get off.  Maybe that mindlessness turned him off.  Or maybe he realized he was going to blow and I wasn't there, yet.  All I know is that I like to suck cock while I masturbate... so why NOT 69?

BCP

So I'm on a birth control pill now.  Not really to prevent pregnancy but... you know, I'll use it for that, too.

I read somewhere (where?!?)  recently that someone thinks of taking their birth control pill as a daily reminder that they're NOT having sex.  A shame, really.  I'm thinking of it as a reminder that I CAN.  Score!

A More Serious Subject...

"...They had to go to foster care for a couple of days, how'd the little ones handle that...?"

"They were frightened to death. I mean... it was horrible because the kids were scared, frightened, didn't know where they were going.  Mommy and daddy didn't know where they were going and it was gut wrenching.  It really was."

 I transcribed that (minus the identifying or unnecessary portions of the wording) from a CNN hosted interview because I heard that emotional description and wonder why the fuck no one uses that to describe ALL the children who go into foster care.  I mean, yes, there are a few who handle it really well, couldn't care less where they are.  Some are even grateful.  But I assure you, the vast majority of children who are taken from their homes (no matter how terrifying) feel all the same things as those adored little ones described above.

The parents are suing their local government for the heartache and pain caused by the "mistaken" removal of their children.  I suspect it'll be a lot of years and a lot of appeals before this ends.  And really, as a child of the foster care system I can't help but hope IF a settlement does come out of this, that it doesn't come out of the lives of the foster kids who do need to be in the system.  And really, I hope they lose their case, because you know, much as I know it was a terrible, terrifying experience for all of them... it's more important that they DO catch people who abuse their kids than NOT cause a few days of upset.

But then I don't have kids.  So what do I know?