My Sugar Walls.

You know, that's not the most subtle song I've ever heard.

I ran into a particular guy at work. A guy I've chatted with online. A guy who wants me. A guy who I'm tempted to sleep with. I saw him. I recognised him. I had a rush of excitement. A rush of wetness.

I love that unexpected tingling.

Hot

My pussy's throbbing a little. I'm not wet. But it can't be far behind. I'm horny. And very very tired. I won't have sex, tonight. But I wish I could.

Last night I told husband I'm starting to get horny again. A number of things have occured lately that have lead me to become increasingly horny. "You're going to have to give it up, soon, dear, because I'm going to need it pretty bad." "I'm tired," he whined. "Not tonight, dear... but soon. Maybe Tuesday...."

This morning I lazed in bed a little with husband, cuddling up against his warmth. He took my pants down (as I was dressed for work and ready to leave far too early) and licked my ass cheek before sliding his fingers into me from behind. It was followed quickly by his hard cock fucking me hard. I was still wet from masturbating a few hours earlier. I fucked him back a little, thinking of my hot boss man, imagining what it would be like to have him deep inside me.

Husband knew he couldn't cum. I've been off my birth control for a week and a half. Just a little too long. But after Tuesday...

He stopped and snuggled with me before I left for work.

Oh, thank you, my love.

Groan

I almost forgot! Yesterday I was working with my sexy boss (whom more than a couple of girls at the company have commented is hot) and we were moving something big and heavy. He was on the otherside of the item, where we couldn't see each other. As we moved the item he groaned. "That's what he sounds like when he has sex!" I thought. And then I had a huge uncontrollable grin which I was SO glad he wasn't able to see.

Ah, I'm a desperately horny woman and I'd love to pleasure him. Lovely thing is there's no question it would be mutually satisfactory because he's just that kind of man....

Damn. I want him. And I knew working with him directly would make it worse!

The Pill

I've been having some problems with the pill lately. Namely, I forgot to get my refill in time, didn't realise the refill would take 24+ hours to process and then the pharmacy was closed on Saturday and Sunday when I needed to start Sunday. And then Tuesday morning I forgot to take it. So, I took my first pill from this pack yesterday, my second today. I'll get back in the habit soon enough. But it's annoying.

So, husband asked me if I was back on the pill yet. Which I am. But given all the lateness we're a week without sex until I'm sure the pill has "kicked in". And then I have to hope I don't become all depressed as I was in the last few months. Because of the pill?

Not that there was much hope for sex anyway. In the mornings I'm grumpy. In the evenings we're both tired. I hope the olympics are worth it. Ah, actually they have been. Maybe not better than sex, but how excited was I when Paul Hamm went from last place to gold in men's individual all-around gymnastics? I cried. Great release. :-)

Play

We went out. We had dinner. I bought some new clothes. He's never impressed by the panties. He likes one of my new bras. It had the desired effect. And for bed time I played with his cock, sucked on it, and gave him a hand job before it degenerated into him masturbating while I watched and played with his balls. It was entirely one sided. I liked it. I liked helping to please him.

I asked him if he was going to be mad if I continued to get horny and fuck other guys. He said no.

Oh, thank god.

Hopeful

I love my husband dearly. Let there be no question. He's a wonderful part of my life and while I will never claim I couldn't live without him my life would definately be less wonderful were he not around. We're nowhere near divorce. It shouldn't be said that my comment about going to Canada was anything real. Sometimes I do fantasize about being alone. But the grass is always greener. There are so many things that I'd miss.

Last night I tried to talk to Husband a bit bout our sex life. It's a talk we've had lots of times and I always know the outcome so why it surprises and upsets me everytime I can't say. Last night he was more bitter than normal. Probably because we've been fighting so much in the last week. I told him how much it upsets me when we go so long without having sex and how I feel like I really do need to start sleeping around if only to take the pressure off him. His response was that it's been less than 24 hours and how dare I bitch.

Now, I might agree with that but it'd been a month or so previously. And that's our MO. We go months. And months. And months, sometimes. And I don't like it one bit. So I worry that we're going back to that. But he wouldn't hear it. I'm not allowed to bitch if it's only been 24 hours. I'm also not allowed to bitch if it's been a month, though, because why would he want to have sex with me if I'm bitching?

I'm at a bit of a loss. Although, I realised this morning that I am being somewhat unfair. Yes, I worry we'll go back to being sexless but I also realise that we've had a lot more sex this year than we did almost even when we were first married. Well. Almost. And lately we've had a lot of really fun sex, too.

And really... I recognise that I'm partly to blame for not doing some of the fun things we were doing when I first started to sleep around. We had quite a lot of sex, then. And I admit some of that was because of my extremely aggressive, willing attitude.

Unfortunately, some of the stoppage was because when my extremely aggressive, willing attitude was being aimed solely on Husband he began to feel free to say "no."

Well. We won't talk about it tonight. But maybe we'll play.

Stunning Sex

Last night husband and I were laying in bed. It was very hot. I snuggled up to him as much as the temperature would comfortably allow and we lazed. And then we kissed. And kissed some more. Finally, I felt sleep coming to me. I rolled over and snuggled into my pillow. He let his hand drift over my ass and down my thighs which caused me to shriek and curl away from him thanks to my ticklish reaction.

"None for me tonight, eh?" He sighed "but I have an erection. Oh, well."

I laughed and ignored him. But my brain couldn't wrap itself around the idea that I'd be so bitter about not getting to have sex with him and then one of the super rare times that he comes to me I'm too hot and tired to take him up on it. Finally I got out of bed and took care of a few minor issues associated with my period and not being particularly horny. When I returned to bed I crawled up on my hands and knees and told him I was ready.

No real foreplay. No preliminaries. Just fucking. He slid into me fully and held still a moment. I moaned. And then we began to move. As he thrust in and out of me, despite my non-turned-on state I found myself moaning as his cockhead rubbed my g-spot. The dogs were running around the bed. At one point he called one of them back up on the bed since he's not trustworthy and must be watched at all times. I don't remember the dog ever leaving the bed. I was getting seriously turned on.

In my fantasy my husband had grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling me back on his cock, tugging my hair. Not painfully but forcefully, riding me. I could hear him muttering to me about me being his little bitch. I could feel his hands smack my ass as he fucked me, intensifying the sensations. Never hurting. Over and over the scene ran through my head as I got lost in the feeling of my husband's cock in me.

Finally, he stopped, "are you anywhere near cumming? ...because I'm having some trouble. I don't think I'm going to cum."

I considered. It was possible that I could. I hadn't really been trying physically, just enjoying the ride. "Let me see..." So he went back to fucking me and I began rubbing my clit. I arched my hips in a way that he doesn't much care for so he was rubbing me exactly the way I like it and I came within about two minutes flat. And incredible orgasm that lasted forever, my cries coming in waves surprising even me with the intensity. Afterward he moved away "I was about to give up on you because I could barely reach with the way you were angled." Of course, if he'd stopped TRYING to "reach" I wouldn't have had to angle so much, now would I? I digress.

We lay next to each other, my head hanging off the bed, my body laying weirdly across the pillows. And I laughed. I laughed and felt dizzy and almost cried with joy.

One of the best orgasms ever. And I told him so. "It wasn't so much the sensation of the orgasm... just that it was with YOU." And then I added "you know, I think that may be the first time I've ever cum and you haven't. Weird."

Hot and sweatier than ever I took a shower. He followed shortly after. And then blissful sleep.

I think.

Maybe I'm ready to have another erotic adventure.

Things with husband feel more normal. He's being affectionate, again. It keeps me from being quite so upset about the lack of actual sex.

Except now I'm ready for some actual sex. God damn my period.

Still not thrilled.

However, I had a short talk with husband and at least emotionally I remain stable with him. I had a pretty kick-ass day today (good mood, etc) so when I called him to tell him I was going to spend an hour or so with my friends this evening and wouldn't see him until morning we got to talking a bit and while there was no hope for sex, I felt less worried about it.

At least I can get it elsewhere. I mean, theoretically. If I could just find someone I WANT to fuck....

On a better note...

I did manage to masturbate myself to a really incredible orgasm the likes of which I haven't had in at least a week. Maybe more. A great one. Incredible. The likes of which I never would have experienced had I had sex with husband. So, maybe his lack of interest in me isn't always a bad thing....

Pushing the Resentment

After we fight we tend to be mad for a while. And then it just goes away. We always know our anger and frustration is a passing thing. That it's something to be felt and then pushed down, because it's never things that matter. They go away.

Tonight I crawled over my husband, kissing his neck, rubbing my breasts against his body, my tongue gently flicking over his ear. "Mmm.... you want it?" I asked him. He didn't reply. I asked again. Nothing. I lean back to look at him as he glares at the TV looking incredibly irritated. I moved off him, "you know, it's nice to know that my touch IRRITATES you, because maybe yours irritates ME, too." And then I went to the kitchen and got a huge drink... which I'm gradually feeling the effects of. I'll probably sleep through most of the effects since I'll be in bed soon. I came back in and finished watching the show that was on, going back to acting like things were normal, and being pissed off anyway.

After so much time having SUCH unsatisfactory sex, and being refused to the point where he becomes pissed off that I'm rubbing up on him during a COMMERCIAL, I'm not sure I even WANT to have sex with him anymore. I'm pretty much to the point where I'm ready to accept the fact that our sex life is simply dead and that even if he WANTS to have sex with me ever again, I'm not so sure I could bring myself to go along.

Maybe I'm just being reactionary. But, every time he refuses me part of my dies inside. And that he would look at me the way he did tonight... well... I don't even know what to think.

And when it comes to bed time, he calls me to "tuck him in." I lay down, well away from him vaguely drunk and played with one of the dogs. He kissed me, I could feel him trying to work up to kissing me more passionately, but I didn't respond... I had no desire to. "I'm sorry for being an asshole," he said. I gave him the most cursory of kisses as I left the room, calling the dog behind me.

What does he think I'm going to say? "That's alright. You're forgiven." It's not. And he's not. Whether he means to or not, he's breaking me.

Denied

I've been kind of bugging husband about the fact that we haven't had sex. Tonight he got fed up. "Yeah, well, your bitching about it is really making me horny. Oh, look at how horny I am! So horny! You know, I WAS thinking about kissing on you a little bit." My response, "bullshit, you were not thinking about it and you know it."

He rolled over to go to sleep, without even our perfunctory goodnight kiss, "goodnight." "Right." And I left.

Speaking of Dante....

My husband would be sent to the 5th circle. He got a higher lustful score than I did. Something isn't right here.

Dante's Inferno Test

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Extreme
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

I had a dream this morning. I don't have many dreams that I remember and what I remember is rarely, if ever, sexual. Maybe once ever few years do I have a dream that involves sex at all. This morning's dream involved the ex-boyfriend I still lust after. I shall call him Picasso. In the dream it wasn't *really* Picasso, but rather a guy who happened to look exactly LIKE Picasso. He and I were in bed together with the TV on. My sister was there for some reason, but was definitely NOT part of the sexual tension going on. Her existence mystifies me, but mostly she was there for the embarrassment factor, I think.

After my sister left the room, the pretend Picasso was holding me and started nuzzling me. We started kissing and they were intense. He bit me a little, which didn't thrill me, but it was a prelude to what turned out to be a really hot, passionate, rough kiss. I was sucking his tongue, tasting his mouth, a deep kiss, that only got deeper as we became more turned on. My body began to tingle as I started to want him more and more, feeling that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. But then my sister came into the room so we stopped. He went back to nuzzling me and discovered the sensitivity of my ears. His tongue traced the outer edge and I arched my back, keeping my head still. He continued to barely tease my ear and suddenly stopped. "You could at least get my name right." I stopped, trying to remember if I'd spoken. I remembered, now, "Oh, yes, Husband," I'd said.

The dream ended with me apologizing and promising not to speak anymore and that it was just habit to say Husband's name.

On a non-dream note, the last time husband and I had sex was... what? At least a week before my birthday. We're getting closer and closer to hitting the month mark without sex, if we haven't already. Fuck.

Open Marriage

My husband and I have an open marriage. To a lot of people this means a number of different things. The most common question I get is "does he like to watch?" Now, I'm not sure that I understand how one makes the jump from "open marriage" to "voyeurism" unless it has something to do with reading too much Penthouse Forum. "I never thought I'd write a letter like this, but here I am." Yeah... not happening.

I do have an open marriage that was started out of some form of necessity. It started when my military husband was sent out of the country for an extended period of time. At the time we were hardly talking (an effort to make the separation less painful). He went away an a few months later I went through the ultimate in loneliness and horniness. I began chatting incessantly and sent a dirty picture of myself through e-mail to a friend. I felt horribly guilty about it and told my husband. Somehow we ended up talking and it turned out that, basically, neither of us really cared what the other did while we were so far apart, so long as we were careful.

And so my erotic adventures began. My husband, meanwhile, spent most of his time with friends getting drunk. He found a cute girl to makeout with that he thought he might get the chance to sleep with but that didn't work out. So I had some sex with a few different guys and my husband had one rather nice makeout session.

When he returned we talked some more and decided the whole "sleeping around" thing was really okay and that it could continue. I found someone for him to sleep with and it was apparently anticlimactic at best. A few years went by and nothing else happened.

Then around a year ago I started to get really fed up with my mostly sexless marriage. And so I asked my husband if it would be a problem for him if I found someone to sleep with. He said no, and off we went. Of course, I did let him know it WOULD be a problem for me if he went sleeping around without sleeping with me on a regular basis, since that was the whole reason I was going looking in the first place. He agreed.

Every so often I bother him that he should get out and find some cute girl to sleep with. But, he doesn't. He doesn't feel confident anymore, doesn't feel like making the effort. I don't doubt he feels rejected by me on occasion, and I know what that feels like and how it can drag confidence down. He really deserves more sexual credit than I give him. With a little effort he could be a very good lover. But so far the effort has not been something he's wanted to put forth in a major way. And therefore, he remains faithful. But he's always got the option to get out there....

Continuing the Story

I heard my cell phone chirp at me "low battery." I froze. But it only does it every so often. Once an hour maybe? It was good to know it was in the house, though. So I decided to call it. But I don't have the number memorized. And couldn't find it anywhere. I went to call my husband at work to ask him the # before the cell battery died. But I couldn't remember the number, suddenly.

As I was hunting for what I wanted for breakfast I knew where it was. In the pantry. Where all cell phones belong. If I'm 26 and putting cell phones in the pantry... what will I be doing at 76?

I looked for the little message icon. Nothing. I checked the missed call log. Nothing recent.

He never called.

Oh.

Which brings me to my next rant. The biggest problem with being the kind of girl I am, which is to say horny and willing to have sex with married men is that I end up being the "call girl"... only able to get together at THEIR convenience. Afterall, we must be secretive. I find that extremely annoying. Thus the reason I pretty much broke things off with two men I'd been seeing and the reason I've hesistated to get back together with the third who is far far away, anyway. I don't LIKE having to plan my sexuality around their freetime. How about when *I* am horny and want to fuck? Oh, too bad...

I'm not saying it's any easier for them, who must escape their wives and lie, too. But they put themselves in their situation... and I put myself in mine... and if I choose to remove myself from that situation... that's my right.

Of course, planning or no planning... if the sex is really good I'll get over the inconvenience....

I've hit a minor snag. I can't find my cell phone anywhere. I've been looking for it since Sunday. I remember the last time I had it, but unless I left it at our friend's house (which you'd think they'd call and tell us, right?) it's somewhere in the house... just not where I thought it would be. And I'm so irritated. So of course, without internet access nicknameless-man has no idea why I'm not answering my phone or calling him back. Could I feel more guilty?

Ah, well. Nothing to be done about it. But I am still looking for my god damned phone.

What to do...

The only guy I've ever "dated" before having sex (which is to say I haven't had sex with him yet) has invited me to spend an upcoming evening with him. Meanwhile, I mentioned this to my husband expressing something of an interest in joining this particular person (who needs a nickname but since he reads this blog he can come up with his own damned nickname). And my husband reminds me "I'm taking Tuesday off." Oh, yeah. I remember, now. And then I get "but I won't stop you from having fun... *sigh*" So now what?

Usually I take my husband at his word. It's something he taught me. When he'd ask "are you okay?" when clearly something was wrong and I'd say "No, I'm fine" he'd take me at my word and that was that. It's amazing how quickly I learned to say what I meant. Therefore, with him saying basically "go!" I should take him at his word, right?

But anyway, I'm feeling somewhat shy about everything ANYWAY so I'm having a tough time making a decision. And yet I have to make it by tonight. Fuck. No pressure or anything!

It doesn't make it any easier that I have raging hormones to dilute the issue. But then, they ARE the issue, aren't they?