Short.

At bed time, I curled up next to husband. He was going to sleep while I had no plans to do the same. I put his hand on my breast. Something I do relatively often. He always moves his hand away. This time he left it there and began to tease and torment my ear and the back of my neck with his lips and tongue.

Shivery and excited, I kissed him and left him to sleep.

Days

I decided to turn off my AFF profile. Just doesn't seem worth it to me right now.

Friday while I was at work, it was super slow thanks to the long military weekend. Trian (aka the new guy) came in and talked to me a couple of different times since he, too, was bored. He told me a bunch more about his life and his daughters and I stared dumbly. I'm curious and interested but I never know what to say to people about their children. Obviously I'm not any sort of expert on child rearing or parenting... or how parents deal with conversation about their children. So I freeze. I ended up changing the subject rather abruptly and currently feel kind of bad about it. Obviously he wanted to vent a little and I just don't feel like I know him well enough to know how to handle that.

We ended up talking a little about his wife (ex-ish wife) and about the fact that she was "sucking up" to him a bit about this weekend. Part of me was thinking maybe he was trying to tell me any plans he might have had about asking me out this weekend were off... and part of me suspected he was waiting for me to suggest he spend his time with me, instead. Whatever the case, I'm not getting in the middle of anything. I'll listen and I might even suggest (if asked) but I'm NOT part of that and I DON'T want to be.

Listening to him talk I think "drama drama drama." Now, I'm not really sure that it's all of his own making. I think most of the drama in his life was brought by others and at this point he's not in a position to escape. However, it still makes me cringe to imagine being any part of that. None for me, thanks.

So, yeah. I'm not sure exactly what's going on there. He messaged me on IM to tell me that he's been kind of busy at home lately. No problem. But not being available is the LAST way to get me into bed....

I give.

I'm seriously tempted to change my AFF profile to something bitter and unkind. Maybe THAT way I'll get some responses from some normal guys. Or not. At least I won't get the shitty stuff I get right now. Geez.

Yesterday I spent part of the evening in chat with a guy who informed me that he doesn't really NEED AFF and can get laid ANY time he wants and that he's been on the site for a couple of years but hasn't bothered much with it because he can get laid ANY time he wants and is just on there for a lark. We'll forget that he's paying for the site (it's not exactly cheap) because it's for FUN and you should pay for your fun. I got irritated with his attitude. Yes, yes, you can get laid anytime you want. Because women are JUST that easy. Whatever. If it were Sam writing I might believe it.

Actually, I don't even really believe that. Because Sam is way fucking hot but do women REALLY throw themselves at him? I'm tempted to ask.

Hawk came in today. Yesterday I told him his girlfriend is really messing with my workouts since he doesn't come talk to me (or workout with me) anymore. I told him she's got to go. This conversation, of course, went on in front of my husband. It was kind of funny.

So today he came into the store and we were chatting. I asked him what he was doing for his weekend, or something and he asked what my plans were. "Probably planning to sit around and watch the Sci Fi moving marthon," he said teasingly. I smiled and clasped my hands near my heart, "No, I'm planning on spending the weekend thinking about you," and sighed longly. Followed that with a girlish giggle. He laughed at me and left. It was fun. I hardly ever flirt so overtly but every so often I feel okay about it. I tend to be very reticent about it all when I'm afraid someone's going to take me too seriously. Nothings going to happen between Hawk and I so I say what I want. Which is part of the reason I find it so much easier to flirt with other women. No chance of being taken too seriously.

I also got to chatting with Wade a little, which was cool. I like Wade. I miss his lesbian friend but since she's not around to chat with I have to focus all my attention on him. Which isn't so bad....

The new guy... he's been oddly silent on the 'net the last several days. While I respect that he's got a real life and a need to take care of that, I can't help but feel like he's avoiding me. Which is fine, really. But it's kind of rude. I sent him a message and if he chooses not to respond I'll call it all over and done. If he does... well... maybe I will anyway. Because maybe I'm just done with men altogether for a while.

Seen Sam

I saw Sam today. I was "working" mostly doing nothing, waiting for my day to end. It was a fairly busy day in so far as getting things done goes and I was tired so I sat there, bullshitting with my coworker while Sam walked in. Our eyes met and he gave me one of his genuine, sexy smiles and my heart skipped a beat. I gave him a nod and returned to talking and just generally being in a good mood.

When Sam came up my coworker rang him up as I gazed after a Seaman in his whites walking out the door. I glanced up to see Sam watching me and I told him, "I always feel like such a pervert but I can't help but look the Navy guys up and down when they're wearing the white... I'm always looking for stains." He gave me one of his knowing looks as if to say "yeah, right. I know about you." I laughed and said "You look like you don't believe me. I'm always looking for stains. I just have to look especially hard when y'all wear BDU's." He continued to give me his knowing look but said nothing overt. He then went on to tell us (my coworker and I) about how very well BDUs hide stains and told a short, amusing story about it.

After he left the "new guy" (who still needs a name) came up to the counter. I was still giddy from Sam showing up unexpectedly and he got to enjoy my excitement.

I cannot believe (on a daily basis) just how much I desire Sam. It's great. And a bit frustrating...

Always New

EB and I chat a lot. He and I have grown from lovers to friends with very occasional benefits. He's never come out and said it (nor have I, for that matter) but together we're not all that hot. We genuinely enjoy one another's company and the sex is okay... but it's nothing to write home about. Although actually, the last time we got together *I* had an awesome time, though it ended up being mostly about him.

Anyway. He and I were chatting as we often do in the evenings. He's rather frustrated with the women in his life. Me, I'm frustrated with most of the men. So we sit together and bitch about the people of the opposite sex in our lives.

Then the following conversation:

odalisquek: Mens, I tell you.
EB: we suck
odalisquek: Yepper. I'm thinking I should give up on 'em all together.
EB: I feel that way about women an awful lot
odalisquek: I know you do. You, with more reason than I.
EB: Of course, everytime I feel that way one comes by and makes me forget for a moment my dislike of women...
odalisquek: That doesn't seem to happen to me, so much.
EB: Sure it does, you always seem to have a new boy toy
odalisquek: Not so much, really.

And it's gotten me thinking. I suppose I do always hold out hope that SOMEONE will come along and break me of this terrible, terrible streak I find myself (once again) in. Martin started it... and then... Keith swept in and managed to be everything I ever wanted in a lover... and then he swept out just the way he came. And since then... nothing (and no one) satisfies.

And yet still, I keep hoping.....

Weirdness

A while ago I wrote an entry about one of my more unfortunate crushes from high school. And how he went on to be kind of cool. And how interesting it was.

Except it turns out that the person I thought was him... is NOT HIM... they just have the same name and look SUSPICIOUSLY alike. Anyway, I found his myspace page and there's no question he's the guy from high school. NONE. And I remain firm in my belief that it really WAS an unfortunate crush.

And also that he looks just vaguely like my husband in his face shape. Which squicks me out.

Oh, and his profile says he's a swinger.

Weird.

Wine

We went to a wine festival today. It was a lot of fun, up until it started getting so busy that each 1/2oz of wine started taking at least 5 minutes to get... then closer to 10. At which point it was BEYOND not worth it. So we gave up and bought the ones we knew we wanted and left....

While there we sat around and I was checking out the guys. There are a lot of wine drinking males that I would happily take to my bed. And there were a lot of women (girlfriends, wives, etc). However, wine tastings might just be an awesome place to pick up men. At least the kinds of men I want. (you know, like keith)

Meanwhile, we ran into Martin's ex-wife while we were there. This was the first time I've seen her since before I slept with Martin. As I stared at her, vaguely surprised (though I was almost certain we'd see her there) I found myself thinking I slept with your husband and saying "Hi! How are you?" ...I slept with Martin! "We're okay, nothing much going on with us, either." I sucked his cock while you were on the phone with him. And of course, all these thoughts led to my inability to speak normally and we went our seperate ways. But it was vaguely amusing. It's not like he was cheating on her so it's not like I did something "bad."

And so we made our way home, not even really any drunker because we got tired of the lines before we got drunk....

To the gym.

I went to the gym tonight. I'm still doing that fairly regularly. This has been a good week for me. Not all of them are.

Before I left I went upstairs and laid in bed for a few minutes, reading and trying to get myself psyched up. Yes, by laying in bed.

As I lay there I started punching myself on the hip and my butt. For some reason those muscles are ALWAYS sore on me. Always. Whether I've worked out that part in the last week or two... or not. The punching helps loosen the muscles up a little and always makes me hopeful that the soreness with go away.

Husband came up as I was doing this and since he knows of all the tension I store in those muscles he took over as we were talking. I arched my hips back at him, closing my eyes and enjoying the sore pleasure/pain of his touch. And it became something very sexual to me. I could feel myself growing wet as I thought about Nils.

For some reason Nils has always been my go-to guy when it comes to my Ds types of fantasies. And I could very much see him enjoying punching and smacking my ass the way husband was.

I gotta find me a man like that... one that isn't already taken the way Nils is....

I am sad pathetic girl.

I saw Nils again for the first time in like... months. We were at a gate to get on the installation but for some reason everything was taking too long, so I decided to go in through the more secure gates... because they're easier to get through. Yeah, go figure. On the drive to that next gate it suddenly occured to me that it'd be really funny if Nils were at the gate. Especially since Husband was with me. And fuck if it wasn't Nils standing there at the gate looking as sexy as ever. Fuuuuuuck.

I started laughing immediately. Husband thought I was insane. I waved my ID at Nils and said something like "ha! It's you. ...I miss you." And then drove on. Fuck I miss him.

Husband asked "who was that?" And I told him, "my next husband." "Ah," he said in recognition, since that's Nils nickname around the house.

Fuuuuck I do miss him. Soooooooooooo much.

Missing...

Of course I still think about Keith all the time. How can I help it? Well, okay, less than I once did. But often enough. Every time I slide my vibrator inside myself I think of him. I can't help it. That's just how good he felt inside me.

So he messaged me this morning, while I was at work. (At a time I'd normally be home were I working my normal shift. But times, they change, and the early shift is suddenly and inexplicably becoming my "normal" shift. And I hate it.) He didn't really say anything in the message so I don't know if there was an ulterior motive or if he just missed me. Either is fine.

I ended up having a short conversation with the unnamed new guy online tonight. I told a lovely joke I picked up from... I think it was the Cunting Linguist's blog. The punch line being, essentially, that boyfriends tend to last longer during sex than husbands. He told me it was optimistic. And all of a sudden, for some reason, my mind drifted back to my two delicious nights with Keith....

45 minutes? Please. Hours. The best part of course, being when I'd wake up and move a little and his hands were there... roaming... half asleep and still wanting... still with the "foreplay." It's mind bloggling to me even now. How the fuck can ANYONE compete to what was essentially two whole nights of mind blowing pleasure?

I try not to dwell on it. It seems to serve no purpose other than to make me long for what I can't have....

Anyway.

I made a mistake tonight, though, while writing to the new guy and revealed this name (the OdalisqueK name). It wasn't an intentional slip by any stretch of the imagination and it's not like I typed it and thought "oh, whoops." It was much a MUCH easier mistake to make than that. And I feel stupid. That's what I get for not coming up with a new name for each thing I do. Stupid stupid girl. And thus the reason I changed my blog address... and at least briefly my sign in name.

It's a bit late for me to freak out about it now... and luckily since I fall under the adult label google doesn't "read" my blog so a search for me is a little harder than for some others.

It is annoying, though, because I like to be able to talk about everything here without worrying about hurting people's feelings and when I make stupid mistakes like that it makes it a loooooooooooooooot harder. I loathe that.

Okay then.

I heard back from the guy. He's going to need a nickname.

Thing is he made some comment about how my returning interest in him (though I'm not sure he realizes how NOT convinced I am that it's a good idea) was getting him excited. Like he was getting hard. And my immediate reaction was to cringe. Hmm. That's not good....

Badness...

I saw him today. As soon as he walked into the store I said "hi" like I always do and busied myself with something. Actually, I was kind of busy. Things seemed rather... normal. Except that I think this time I man handled the conversation to be about... whatever. Nothing exciting. I didn't say a damned word to him about the email. Even though we were in the store alone. I couldn't get up the courage.

He came in a second time, this time with my coworker there. And I made it a point to include him in the conversation. I couldn't remember which service he'd been in when I first met him (funny because when he retired I made a big deal about his change of clothes) so I asked. I felt like I maybe kind of offended him by not remembering. I felt bad about it.

He left shortly after. And now I'm thinking maybe he finds me more annoying than not. Maybe my hopes for some kind of friendship were too high. I kind of knew that.

Hey, isn't self doubt FUN?

So I send him another email telling him I thought he'd at least give me another hint but that after about 10 minutes of consideration I was fairly confident I knew, and then it took another 12 (I meant to put "hours" here but forgot to write the damned word so it looked like I meant 12 minutes) convincing myself I was right and then that it'd taken about 2 seconds of being his presence to doubt myself. So we'll have to see if he writes back.

Stalker-ish I stayed online last night to see if he'd email me back from the first message. And, while the site said he was on... I got nothing. So we'll see what comes of my more recent message. If he doesn't respond I'm over and done with it. If he does? Who knows?

So while I'm not totally into him... the even vaguest hint of interest from a man who's at least mentally hot to me has gotten me all hot and wet. Masturbation? Check. Kegels? Check.

And yet I still think of Keith....

Still Freaky.

But the more I think about it the more I think sleeping with him isn't such a bad idea. Although the joke may be on me. He might not even be interested. Maybe merely curious. It'd be cool to have him as a real friend, though.

Maybe I aks too much. Yes, I said aks.

Anyway. So yeah. Physically... I don't find myself repulsed by him or anything. I'm just not terribly attracted to him that way (of course I've never even CONSIDERED him that way before) but mentally... mentally there's potential....

Do I know you...?

Funny thing. I got this e-mail from this guy on AFF. The email consisted of "Do we..." as the subject and "know each other" as the body. With a little winking smiley following. And that was all. I sighed heavily and checked his profile, since anyone who feels like they need to ask probably already knows the answer. But fair's fair.

So, I read his description... height, hair color, eyes, age and I thought of the only person I "know" who even remotely fit the description. And I thought "him? Surely not." I spent the entire day trying to think of ANYONE else I know from work who could fit the description. And failed. Of those who were close, there was always one deciding factor (age, height, or hair) that crossed them off the list.

After I got home I checked the profile again. Still deep in thought. I checked the "extended" profile. And there was a wee tiny photo (the way AFF does it) of this man standing near a building. And I squinted my eyes real close.

And I'm pretty sure it's him.

Which is *REALLY* weird.

Not that he isn't nice. But... he's one of the regular customers I've been chatting up since I first came to the store. A nice guy who knows (and is friendly with) my ultra religious coworker. While he's always struck me as the kind of guy who's nice to EVERYONE, I still tend to hold "friendship" with her against people. Either you're her "friend" or you're mine. You can't be both because she irritates me. Not that it really matters. It's just one of those things. If they're too friendly with her I'm standoffish lest something slip out of my mouth that gets back to her.

So anyway. Yeah. Pretty sure it's him. And with the whole "wink" thing I'm kind of afraid he's going to come on to me. And I'm going to be completely weirded out because he's a really nice guy but... do I want to sleep with him? Probably not thanks to the fact that he's that much older than me and of course I see him at least twice a day most days....

On the other hand, his profile is utterly charming. Exactly the type of guy I'm interested in. Dammit.

$eeking $ame....

I came home today and woke my computer up. My screen flicked on and I was greeted with a request from someone to become one of my Yahoo buddies. Someone I'd never heard of. I checked his profile and discovered he was about 50. Well out of my age range, and while I've occasionally met some older men I'd happily take to bed it's not my preference and I decided he wasn't for me. With no greeting from him in his request, I summarily denied him without comment and went upstairs to wind down from my day at work.

I returned to the following:

37 (5/14/2006 5:46:02 PM): i saw your profile
37 (5/14/2006 5:46:08 PM): can you talk to me
37 (5/14/2006 5:46:53 PM): you were on a dating .com
37 (5/14/2006 5:47:24 PM): at least talk to me im in (local town)
37 (5/14/2006 5:48:32 PM): please
37 (5/14/2006 5:53:59 PM): we should talk we are a match you know
37 (5/14/2006 5:54:53 PM): please let me talk to you
37 (5/14/2006 5:55:05 PM): im a lone rich guy looking for the right girl
37 (5/14/2006 5:55:45 PM): oh well guess you cant go to hawaii with me in a couple of months see ya

It's being talked to as if I'm a whore that really makes me glad I chose not to respond at all in the first place.

Such things...

as nothing, really.

I haven't heard from Keith lately. I'm getting more used to his absences. The last couple of times we "talked" it was really kind of odd. I adore his attention. But I'm not sure what's going on with him lately so I kind of held myself at a distance. Kept things light and amusing rather than worrying about what he was saying. Because I'm still not sure I believe what he said. And I'm not going to repeat it right now. It's not that what he said is any sort of a problem for me so much as it doesn't really gel for me with some other things he's said and my brain refuses to accept it from HIM. Because maybe it means he lied. And I have a real problem with THAT. So if I let myself doubt... then there's no lie....

Which isn't to say the sex was any less stunning... or that I don't want more. Because I do. But more than that? Well. Whatever.

Last night my sister was online and I ended up messaging her. Except it wasn't her so much as it was my first boyfriend, who is her friend and (near as I can tell) occasional lover. Which in some ways it really, really weird. So he and I ended up chatting a little since I wanted an idea of what she might like for her birthday and figured he'd be the one to ask. So, that was amusing. I let the conversation trail off rather than actually saying "goodbye" because somehow it felt easier.

My friend/occasional lover EB was online last night. Of late he's been seeing a couple of different women (romantically) and was having a great time of it. Just a couple weeks in he was asking my opinion on what he should do because he felt bad about juggling the two girls. After just a couple of dates. I could see, already, that he really desperately wants a full time girlfriend RIGHT NOW. However, I told him to calm down and date them both for a bit (without lying about it to either of them) and see what happens. A week later one of them is saying she's going to date some other guy exclusively and the other one appears to have stood him up last night.

I want to tell him that being married isn't all that great. That being single is "where it's at" and to realize that he's only as lonely as he lets himself be. Except he's divorced. And he knows what marriage is for him. And while he doesn't want his ex back anymore (they apparently tried for a second time already) he does want to be married. Last night when he got stood up he was moping a bit and I told him to go do something FUN. Find something he wants to do and make it a really nice night ANYWAY. But of course he didn't. Back when I was single I learned to do things by myself... and ENJOY it. And when husband went away to Korea and I was once again alone I learned how not to be dependent on other people to entertain me... even when they stood me up. It's still disappointing but there's no point in dwelling. Except I'm just not sure it's something that one can REALLY learn by being told. It's all about accepting it into yourself and knowing you're okay by yourself....

Needless to say once again he did not invite me over to his place, when I would have gladly gone as either friend or lover. Or both. Well, I didn't REALLY want to go (so much to do around here) but I would have because he matters to me.

And thus was my evening.

Wakey wakey.

Yesterday my alarm didn't go off. I woke up to my husband's alarm and almost told him "no honey, it's mine." Except it wasn't. And I was already about 20 minutes late for work. This morning I woke up a half hour early and lay staring at the clock. I was tempted to get up right then but went over in my mind that indeed the alarm was set and I did NOT need to run for the shower, arms flapping in dismay. At 5:10 my husband asked me "what time is your alarm supposed to go off?" "Ten minutes ago," I sighed, thanking him. The alarm was still set... still waiting to go off... it just... didn't. Again. A new alarm clock is in my very near future.

Work yesterday SUCKED because of my lack of getting up on time. I was literally out of the house five minutes after I woke up. I took the time to put on about 3 seconds worth of make-up and pull back my hair into a semi-greasy pony tail and headed out. I looked in the mirror at my still sleep-swollen eyes and proceeded to experience one of the least attractive days of my life. I was tempted to go home and shower during my lunch, but lunch came an hour before I was to go home so I figured it wasn't worth the trouble.

Needless to say, I experienced no flirting yesterday at all. Then again, I gave none of my own. But oh, it was a tough day for me.

Knocking

The other day I stopped off at the "other" store to pick up something before going to a third store and then heading home. Confusing? Anyway, I got to talking to the only male coworker I have that I LIKE (50/50 ain't bad) and eventually we made our way out of the building toward our cars. We stood there talking for a bit longer when one of the teenagers that goes to the local tech school came wandering up to the front door. I watched as he approached the door and then got angry/disappointed that he'd missed the store being open. Though he'd missed it by a full TWO HOURS.

"It's closed" I'd called out to him. But he tried the door anyway. Then threw his minor fit. My coworker told him of the two other stores on base that were still open and the boy got kind of pouty and whiney telling us how very far away those two stores were and that it'd take him forever to get there. "What were you going for," I asked him. "Cigarettes." "Ah, an emergency," I laughed. Then added, "I'll take you." He whined a little more "but it's a long way back." "Yes, I'll bring you back," I told him.

On the ride we talked a bit. He's very young and had just gotten out of bed (which I decided was the reason for his whining). I took him to the store I was going to anyway and then told him where to meet me. Then took him back to the barracks. While talking he asked me something about "where can you MEET people around here," he asked. Then he added "I mean, you're married so...." And I'm still trying to figure out if he was acknowleding that a married woman is not the person to ask about meeting other singles or if he was saying that since I was married I'm clearly not fair game.

I might have been willing anyway. I'm kind of horny.

Also, one of the cops I haven't seen in forever showed up. I've written about this particular guy before but not too much. Nothing memorable. He's quite cute and I love the way he looks at me. I was really happy to see him again, though it was only for a couple of minutes. I'd totally fuck him.

Better

You know what's better than porn? Porn with ENGLISH ACCENTS! Ha ha. Yes, I'm a sucker for a good accent. Scottish? Score. Do I understand a word of it? Well, sometimes. Sometimes not. The important part is the fucking ACCENT. Not the faked accent, dammit. That REAL one. Fucking awesome. Especially during fucking.

Though I've never been with someone with an accent at all....

The strangest things...

I sometimes wonder if people I know (and have fucked) have accidentally run across my blog and then wondered quietly to themselves "is this chick that girl I was fucking? Am I Weird Eric or EB or Keith?" Of course both EB and Keith are aware of the blog. On different levels. Weird Eric... well... I hope he doesn't know.

The point is this...

Martin up and messaged me out of the blue yesterday. I haven't really given him all THAT much thought outside of the post I made in which I mentioned how long it's been. And then within a short span he suddenly contacts me again.

But here's the part that I find soooo very odd. I'm reasonably sure he was seriously inviting me for sex. Or else he wanted to see if he still had that power over me. Hard to say. Whatever the case may be, his girlfriend (whom he has made out to be his one true love, etc etc) is out of town and wouldn't I like to come over? I batted the question away several times, because I really didn't want to ask the question which I knew would be my downfall... "why?" Why me? Why now? Why do this to her? Why why why? So instead I finally told him that I do still want him but I'm simply not going to have sex with him again.

See, the thing is I won't be the cause of someone else's break up. I won't put myself in that position. I won't be the one to jump in there and make it okay for him to hurt her like that when he, himself, was the catalyst in the ending of her last relationship. She cheated on and then left her husband for him. I won't let him do that same sort of thing to HER. Not that he'd leave her for ME so much as use the affair as an excuse to leave her, period. Or whatever. Maybe he wouldn't leave her at all. And that's almost worse.

Plus, much as I dislike people who cheat on their spouses (though I GET it, I don't LIKE it) I really, REALLY take issue with people who cheat on their girl or boyfriends. Somehow that's actually WORSE to me. And I'm not really sure if I can explain WHY.

So anyway. Martin, if you're reading this and wondering if I'm talking about you, let this be confirmation. And deal. Because I'll write the thoughts in my head as truth, whether I've missed the mark completely or not. It is my thoughts and I won't be ashamed of them.

The point is, I needed to write it.