Fucking Hell

I badly, BADLY miss the ex and how damned close by he was. Not to mention his having his home to himself. I could essentially get laid at will. It was nearby sex. It was good sex. And I miss it.

I'm horny as hell and I'm pretty much to the point where any half decent offers will be accepted.

Okay, maybe I'm not THAT desperate. However, the one half decent offer I got lately is still looking pretty promising.

I could always see if Trian is still interested but I just have the WORST feeling about getting into bed with him. He's a great guy but he doesn't strike me as being as really... attentive as I crave.

I want someone more like Keith. Passionate, alive, really THERE. But maybe more sort of... violent. I mean, not that I want someone to beat the shit out of me. And not like Keith didn't make sure I woke up the next morning undeniably aware that I'd been fucked and fucked thoroughly.... Ah, I just want Keith back.

But for now... I'm really, seriously considering a local married guy I shouldn't be thinking about. I sincerely doubt he'll be able to even slightly measure up to Keith. I doubt he's into any kind of really interesting play. But god damn.

I want my fucking fantasy of Nils. His cock. The way I envision him pulling my hair or spanking me or... What ever would give him the reaction he wanted. When I think about what I wanted our play time to be, I have to clench my teeth and close my eyes because it's all so vivid....

I'm going through one of these really violent, cravings I get now and again. And I'm going to have to find someone to scratch that itch for me because this is ridiculous. And I need to get fucked. Hard.

May I offer my services...?

So I volunteered somewhere today. It involved standing around dealing with a lot of people... and a lot of ice. One man in particular kept coming back to me. He was sharing some of the food and drinks from the various booths around the place with me. At first going against my wishes otherwise (although I tend to give in without too much argument), but eventually I gave in and went with the flow. He was nice, but very pushy. And sooooo totally not my type at all.

Anyway, it was really, really hot. I could see he was looking for an excuse to touch me and I was doing a pretty fucking awesome job of avoiding it. But when he grabbed up too handfuls of ice and reached out toward me I was in a bit of a fix because I have this "too nice" thing where I couldn't comfortably say "no" and he wasn't being creepy so much as just... pushy. So he reached out and placed them against my neck. The ice had been floating in some water so his hands were wet. As the ice contacted my neck water immediately began running down my back and chest in cold rivlets. I froze for a moment as my brain immediately went into "wow!" mode. I could feel my nipples getting hard, the skin contracting making me ache a little. It felt fucking awesome. And then I looked at him and thought "... but not from you...." and had to step back, breaking the contact.

However, it didn't really get rid of the intense physical reaction I had. Or the desire for more, similarly sensual experiences. Just not with that guy. So I spent the rest of the afternoon eyeing the various and sundry hotties that came up to try my wares and wanting, very badly, to take one of them home. But knowing I shouldn't.

On a side note, I spent the morning chatting with a guy I've kind of been chatting with for a while. He apparently occasionally comes into the store (and has come in since I started chatting with him) but I don't recognize him at all. Anyway, we got to chatting and for the first time since we started chatting I started getting really turned on. Like maybe this guy is someone I'd really enjoy getting to know more intimately. Now, the fact that I've blogged about him makes it almost impossible that I ever will... but there's certainly a lot of potential there....

I wonder if he likes ice....

Other things

Another minor thing, yesterday.

There's a cute teenager that comes into the store all the time. He's in the military, but not really your typical soldier type. Just how I like 'em. He is, however, about 10 years younger than I am. And acts like it. He's fun but immature. Anyway. Whenever he comes in we spar a little. We have similar attitudes about things and tend to be very mocking of one another but never to the point where either of us really believes what we're saying. We can have a real conversation or not and it's equally comfortable. Anyway, I find him fun and it's all good. I'd count him as a "sort of" friend.

So he and I were teasing one another (yet again) yesterday as I rang him up. Another customer waited in line as we were playing. I believe my "sort of" friend was talking about breaking the PIN pad. I told him to try, but I'd probably then have to kick his ass or something. He responded that the PIN pad was going DOWN and I told him I wasn't afraid of him. That sort of thing. Complete silliness. I told him to have a nice day and he headed back to work.

The next customer in line looked at me and said "you two should just go out on a date."

Which kind of threw me off. I told the guy that it wasn't really like that, after all I'm married and he's like ten years younger than I am. His response was "that could be fun." I laughed and added that I think of the guy more as my little brother. Although he is pretty cute.

However, since this guy comes in at least twice a day most days (sometimes more) the next time he came in I found myself looking at him more objectively wondering if maybe there was a possibility there....

Naw.

Stories of the Day

Trian came in today. He was slightly more pleasant than he has been of late. Things are crazy with him, as always and I can't bring myself to get involved. Especially when my thoughts are running toward the "I can maybe act as a distraction... give him someone to use to 'get over' the woman he's currently pining for now." Because you know, I don't know if it's my place to even considering trying to fill that role. I'm not sure anyone should. Then again, I tried that role with Martin and he ended up with the chick anyway....

Meanwhile, The Slut came in. I told him I think of him as "the slut" instead of by his given name (which is oddly the exact same damned name as Keith and EB's name. Three guys with the same name. Enough already!) .

It went down something like this:

"Hey ****!" he said, "Long time no see."
I smiled at him past my customers and said, "Hey... *****!" So he wandered through the store. When he finally came up through the line (with several people waiting behind him) I told him, "You know, the truth... the reason I can't always remember your name is because of that shirt you wear. The one that says 'I am a slut.' I always think of you as 'the slut.' So when you come in the store I think 'oh, look, it's the slut' and every time I say your name I'm really thinking 'slut.'"

He laughed at that and acknowledged that he understood, now. And thought it was pretty funny. At the end of the transaction I said, "Thanks... *****," making it a point to say his name carefully. He laughed and responded "thanks, slut!" In front of everyone, saying what he now knew I meant.

Another regular customer overheard this, as I laughed and couldn't wipe the grin off my face and asked what that was about. So I gave him the shortest version of the story possible (which wasn't all that short). And then laughed some more. Needless to say I was in a very good mood.

Then a hot guy came in and I found myself gazing longingly at him. He was pretty ideal, although I didn't think his face was model-handsome it was unmistakably masculine and attractive. One of the girls who comes into the store saw me watching him and laughed her ass off at me. I had no idea I was so obvious. But it's always nice to amuse other people even as I amuse myself....

Later I was thinking about Trian considering his situation and what role I should take in it (as mentioned above) and he came walking in, surprising the hell out of me since he came in at a time he's not usually around. I admitted I'd been thinking about him and then added, "I wonder if it would work if I thought really hard about a few other particular men." So then I started thinking about Sam. A few hours later he came in. Score.

Sam didn't stay all that long, although he did talk to me a little. He's apparently moving. I was momentarily upset until he said it was in the same complex he's in now, just a different apartment. Then he told me he's going TDY. And I found myself once again dealing with the minor anxiety of losing his beautiful face forever (thinking he might not be back until after I move).... except he then added it was only for a few days. Whew. Also, I'm pretty sure his first name is NOT what I used to think it was... but rather the same fucking name as Martin. I mean, for christ sakes, people. Come up with some new names!

Anyway, I mentioned that I bought a new car (a rather obvious and unmistakable one which is hard to miss in a parking lot) in the hopes he'll keep in eye out for me and come in sometimes when I'm working. Yes, I really AM that pathetic.

Oh, and then there's this other guy. I don't think I know him outside of the store. However, he always gives me these intense looks like he KNOWS me. One day he asked me about when I'm moving. I explained but I found myself thinking "when did I tell him I'm moving?!" Later he asked me where. I've always found myself vaguely confused because it seems like his questions come out of nowhere, although I'm not sure they do. However, since I remember him more, now, I try to be friendly and play along. He asked me today how long I've lived in the area. I told him and he asked me what I do on the weekends. Unfortunately, the answer is generally "sleep" or "watch TV" or that sort of thing. However, this weekend I do have plans which could be interesting to some, so I told him about that. He said he'd take it under advisement (my word, not his). Next time I see him I will make a suggestion as to a weekend place to go.

I'm not really sure what to make of him, though, even now. Because I'm just not sure if he's coming on to me or what. He knows I'm married because I've mentioned it. On the other hand, asking what my usual weekend plans are is kind of personal and appears to be something usually reserved for close friends or potential friends/partners. What do I know about social interaction, though? I just know doing the same thing got me into trouble with another guy. Whom I would totally fuck, btw. Not that he knows it. Not that I'm hot to admit it to him. But that's hardly the point. I really ought to just do it.

Just to get laid.

*sigh*

Exploiting fingers.

I've become fascinated with the guy who does the "teen exploitation" videos which are quickly and easily searched up. It's all done in the first-person camera style. (I'm sure there's some wicked name for that style but I can't say as I know what it is). The sort of girl I am, I tend to view the quickie clips one after the other. And discovering there's a certain continuity behind them. Obviously, the male "star" of the videos is the same guy. Girl after girl after girl after girl, it's hard to miss that this guy has made a career of this kind of movie.

So watching (and listening to) him in each of the clips I'm almost curious what the full length versions of these movies are like. He's very different than most of the "exploitation" seen in porn where the women are used and really degraded and humiliated for the camera (sometimes more realistically than others). He's very complimentary to the girls in his films which at first was interesting and different.

And then I watched him use some of the same compliments, the same words, over and over. Most (all?) of the girls get fingered at one point or another. He actually pays attention to their clits (it's right here, he seems to be telling the audience) and seems to really enjoy what he's doing. Perhaps the compliments and the fingering is all about helping the girls relax and let go (this isn't just about me and the camera, baby) to make them better for the camera. Maybe he's actually trying to make the girls more likely to continue in porn. Maybe he really means what he says.

Whatever the case may be, I can't help but watch and wonder about him. Surely he's been in porn besides this. Surely his face is somewhere and I'm just not paying attention, or just plain missing it. Even if it isn't... what does this guy actually look like, anyway? What is he actually like? Is he really that manipulative in real life or does he just seem that way?

No, I don't want to fuck him. I do, however, want to blame him for teaching guys what I would consider the WORST possible technique for rubbing clit. Although, you know, I appreciate the effort and most of the girls don't seem to mind (certainly looks like they're not all that impressed, though, either for the most part). Oh, yeah, and thank him for providing me with more than a few orgasms.

And that is all I have to say about fingering and exploitation.

Need to:

post about new guy.

post about fingering and exploitation.

Neither is as good as it sounds. Don't get your hopes up.

I wake up in less than six hours. Thank god for Nyquil.

More boring talk.

I think of myself, mostly, as "cute". I suppose it's the loser's way of calling oneself "pretty" without being pushy or challenging. Who's going to challenge a personal assessment of "cute"?

One of the delivery men (not one of the regulars) came in and I talked to him a little. Later on I ended up needing to pick something up from another store so I headed there... and he was there, too. It was kind of funny. "Are you following me," he asked. My response was "....yes." As I was preparing the stuff I was picking up he stood around (apparently waiting for... something) and talked about "all the beautiful women" who work in that particular store. I was the one close enough to hear him and I laughed. And he said something else (I forget) which made me think "wow, I think he means... me...?" Anyway, it was a lovely compliment from a non-threatening man and I appreciated it. Of course, he was rather a lot older than me and I'm reasonably sure he was just trying to be especially nice... but I thought it was cool.

You know. Compliments will get you everywhere.

On an unrelated note:

Later on I was at the car dealership doing some final paperwork. I was given some papers to take home with me and as I walked out the door I found myself looking at someone else's paperwork on the last page. I brought it back in but was a little surprised when I saw the guy's name. He shares a last name with Keith. But what kind of middle name is "Rae" for a guy? Spell it right, I say. Anyway. I just thought it was kind of an unlikely coincidence.

What up.

So we bought a new car. And it occurs to me that if I had sex in that car... it'd be very easy for the whole world to see because of the size and location of the windows. Not that it'll ever come up, I think.

Why is it when people start talking about what's important in a sexual relationship I immediately start thinking about my two nights with Keith and ALWAYS try to think of what was so great those nights? It's terribly distracting.

Keith messaged me the other day and I got to sit and waste an hour of his time. It was really great to hear from him again. Things appear to be pretty much the same with him as ever. High stress, busy. That sort of thing. His life is pretty different from mine and I find that sexy. I'm not sure I want THAT life... but the difference is very attractive. He thinks we'll get another night together before I move. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm surely going to try hard to make sure we DO get another night together, hopefully, before years and years pass. I'm sure it'd be a terribly romantic story to be parted for years and all that... but the romance always sounds better when it happens to someone ELSE....

Also, I dyed my hair dark brown again. I think it's the darkest I've dyed it since I started dying it in the first place. Really close to my natural color. Feels weird. I look in the mirror and it's almost like I'm looking at my high school self again. Knowing that I'll be back in my home state (or the one next to it, which is so similar) I'm getting really excited... and feeling a bit like my "old self" again. I feel... younger somehow. Certainly less mature!

Late-20's crisis, anyone?

Things

So today was my last day at work for four whole days. Score! But, fuck I spent the better part of the day really pissy. The store temperature hovers around 90 or 95 degrees on a regular basis, which is just ridiculous. It's enough to make a sane person mad... and I'll be fucked if I'm sane (which is probably why I'm not getting any).

Part way through the day, though, Sam came in. That was a lovely surprise. "What're you doing at this store?!?" He asked, surprised. I shrugged and said something like "I got where they tell me." I really REALLY wanted to tell him "I'm the store whore, I go where they tell me, do what they tell me... and they pay me for it." But I'm sure I think that's a hell of a lot funnier than anyone else would... and I didn't want to scandalize my coworker.

On an unrelated note, I'm having a long-term love affair with "One Thing" by Amerie ft. Eve. For some reason no matter how many times I've heard it, it never seems to get old and grate the way some songs do.

Also, everyone loves Foghat's Slow Ride. EVERYONE.

After seeing Martin again the other night he's become this obsession on my mind, again. It's not like I wanted to marry the guy but I have like NO contact with him anymore and I miss him. I sent him an email letting him know I miss him and left it at that. I just want him to know I still think of him fondly.

Meanwhile, I'm guessing Keith has his life back somehow. Or maybe he's miserable. I have no idea. I haven't written to him in a long-ass time. Or heard from him, either. That saddens me in a way that's different from the way I miss Martin. I always think of my "relationship" with Keith as playing with fire. Dangerous and sexy and so fucking hot. That might just be how I'd describe him, while I'm at it.

Regardless, I miss Martin's tenderness and affection. He was so very open with his emotions and so very THERE, so much of the time. (Not always I admit, but what can a girl do?) I miss Keith's touch and sense of humor. When I see men who attract me I think of Keith and of how different he was from any other man I've been with. It sets my heart to acheing a little. And some other parts, too....

I'm crazy. But I get four days off. So fuck it all anyway.

Internet Access

For some unknown reason the big wig internet folks for my company (I think that's their official designation) sent out a mass email (also known as SPAM) letting everyone know the acceptable use policy. Which is fairly generous versus what I thought it was.

I only bring this up because my boss runs around and tells us "don't use the computer for anything other than official company business!" except that's not what the SOP says. So HA! No more shall I run scared from using the internet for personal business while at work. So long as I'm on a break....

Tomorrow is my last day on and then I get four blissful days off. Unfortunately, tomorrow I will be working at the hot store. The one that runs at about 90 degrees F on a regular basis. That's about 33 degrees Celsius (give or take). That's hot... but not in a way I appreciate. I cannot believe the temperature around here. Global warming is out of control.

I spent most of last night chatting. It was kind of fun. I can't explain it but I met some really cool people that way and I was pleased. Maybe I'll explain it later. Suffice it to say I was greatly pleased with the folks I got to chat with. Including the guy in Australia...

*giggle*

For some reason I spent the better part of the day giggly. Something to do with getting enough sleep, I guess. I was just in a damned good mood (except here and there when I became irritated with thoughless people).

Sam came in today and I got to talk to him a little bit. He's so fucking hot. He put his stuff on the counter but when I reached for it he'd snatch it away. I stared at him blankly, not reach for anything and he said "sorry, I was just kidding," and set the stuff back down, only to snatch it away next time I reached for it. I couldn't help but laugh. I haven't ever really seen him that playful.

He bought cigarettes, again, so I finally asked him what the hell was up with that. "You've been coming in here for like... a year. And now all of a sudden you're buying these things. What's up with that?" He told me he was probably just buying them at the commissary previously. So I told him that it was a bad habit and shook my head. "oh, but buy them here because we could use the sales."

And then I started thinking about the Ex. I'm not a big fan of smoking. In fact I tend to think of it as a deal breaker... except you know it doesn't really bother me so long as it's not something in my face. The Ex smoked and I remember kissing him afterward. The taste wasn't so terrible. I tend to think I have a predisposition to be a smoker given my love of the scent of Newports (for instance) and the kissing thing.

So yeah. Not thrilled with Sam's smoking... but at the same time I'd fuck the hell out of him anyway. Not that I'll ever get the chance. :-(

I need someone to want me again. I'm so god damned... empty.

Oh, which reminds me, last week a guy came on to me and I didn't think much of it, although it amused me I kind of let it go. This weekend another guy came on to me. And then it suddenly struck me that almost as a rule the only men who ever come on to me are black (which is fine, but I don't fetishize black men at all and take them wholly on their merit, the drawback being the kind of black men that tend to come on to me are not generally attractive to me) except the guy who came on to me last week who was white. And it occured to me that wow... some white guy thought I was fuckable and actually had the balls to say it... rare.

It pleases me when men (any men) come on to me. But most especially when they're not creepy....

I miss being wanted. I miss it. So much.

Greek... ...okay....

One of my favorite lines from personal ads (okay, VERY personal ads) "greek okay." I don't know why. I just appreciate it.

The point being, the Greek god came to the store today. I'm sure no one but me remembers the Greek god, but he's one of the cops that used to come into the store regularly. He's a nice guy and he's kind of fun. Anyway, he's one of those people I sort of fetishize. I continue to deny having a cop fetish, however... he very much falls under another fetish of mine I've mentioned in the past. A fetish which has never been realized. Anyway, I try NOT to think of him that way but... hell... why not? He's married and I see him like... every two months. So why the fuck not enjoy it.

So he came into the store today and I was surprised, "I was just thinking about you like, two days ago," I told him. Totally true. More thinking, "gosh, I wonder why I STILL never see him around the area...." than anything else. It's almost like I make people appear, sometimes (if ONLY that were the case, Sam AND Nils... and for fuck's sake Keith... would be around all the god damned time). I talked to him for a few minutes, although I wondered that he didn't ask WHAT I'd been thinking about him. And he left, because he was only on lunch.

Besides me joy at the fact that the Greek god came back to see me, I have to admit, I find myself incredibly attracted to a few people and on the verge of saying something really forward to them and I see myself getting incredibly nervous. I won't say anything to them (any of them) because I don't REALLY want any of that in my life right now (just before we move? I think not. No point in starting something it'll hurt to stop). However, it amuses me at how shy I really still am.

Also, there's a guy who comes into the store very regularly. I know pretty much exactly what he's going to buy and generally make sure he gets taken care of quickly so he can get on with his life. He's really pretty fucking hot. He's good looking, right around 30 (a lovely age for both sexes, thank you), and built BEAUTIFULLY. And he almost NEVER meets my eyes. It's been this way from the beginning. If I want to have a conversation with him I have to start the conversation. Needless to say this took several months for me to figure out. Since then I've become more at ease with talking to him, but he still has these days where he'll walk in, get his stuff and leave with not a word spoken and his head down. It's REALLY weird. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's not like he ignores me by any means. He's just... quiet. Hmm. Maybe he's a potential serial killer. Whatever the case he fascinates me....

Don't Think About...

I'm getting ready for work, mere minutes away from dashing out of the house hoping I won't be late and listening to Rough Sex by Lords of Acid. I was introduced to this song by Mark, one of my first lovers after I got married. I saw Mark over several months but things cut off rather early for my tastes. He was a nice guy, a mix between a friend and a mere fuck buddy. Never too close, I don't think either of us was in any danger of falling in love but... we liked one another well enough and what was had was special between us.

I wonder, though, what other facets of his personality I missed. I mean... he listened to freakin' Lords of Acid....

Such a man

While at work today Mason came in after work. He doesn't usually do that very often, but he did yesterday and today. Yesterday he came in and one of his coworker/friends came in and talked and talked and talked and talked and... well... you get the picture. I said almost nothing to him because his friend kept talking and talking and talking and... well... you get the picture. Obviously I hold nothing against Mason although I do wish his friend hadn't forgotten that I'm a real live person who deserves more than to be talked past. But whatever.

So tonight Mason came in and we talked just a tiny bit. I saw his shoulder tattoo... and generally I never make mention of people's tattoos but in this case I said "I didn't know you had a tattoo!" He showed me. It was a cool arm band which I won't describe... but it really was kind of clever. Of course my very next question was "does it go all-" and he immediately showed me that indeed, it goes ALL the way around. I laughed at his quickness to show that off. "I've heard some people stop. I have a friend who has one and he says that's always the next question. Like it's some kind of test since it apparently hurts so bad." He agreed that it was often the next question and I smiled as he left, "well, just goes to show... you're QUITE a man." He apparently liked that, but he was walking out the door. "Thank you," he replied with a smile.

Hawk came in, too, I flirted with him yesterday and the day before. Like... hard. He said he wanted me to give him something for free, "nothing's FREE," I told him, "but I can think of a way you could EARN some stuff." He suggested stocking the shelves and I shook my head, "Oh, no. That's NOT what I had in mind," I said, leering at him. He laughed.

Flirting... good fun.

Trian came in today, finally. I can finally see that he really HAS lost a lot of weight. But he appears NOT have meant anything by his absence so I'm happy again....

OPP

I have this love for the song OPP. But I'm irritated because I was looking up the lyrics via google and I noticed that in every single version I found at least one of the lyrics was VERY clearly wrong. Which of course, throws the rest of the lyrics into question. I even looked up the correct lyric phrase and failed to find a single reference on google.

For the record the lyric is:

"Have you ever known a brother who had another like the girl or wife and you just had to stomp her toes cuz he look jus' that nice"

NOT

"Have you ever known a brother who have another like ah girl or wife And you just had to stop and just 'cos he look just as nice "

It's that important to me and THAT irritating to me that not a god damned single reference gets it right.

I almost wish you would have loved me, too...

Title has nothing to do with entry. Just a lyric.

So Wade shows up today. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks so I asked him what was up, "I heard you were on vacation," I said. He kind shrugged. I tried to ask him more questions but he didn't really answer most of them, hurrying back to work. He reappeared later on and I asked him again, what was going on. This time we were alone in the store and he told me that he moved out during his "vacation" and is getting a divorce. I stared at him rather shocked. This was nothing I was expecting to hear, obviously. I sympathized with him, but he didn't seem too down about the whole thing. Apparently it was a mutual decision, perhaps a little more his than hers.

Meanwhile, I haven't seen Trian in almost two weeks. I finally asked my coworker whether she'd seen him and she said yes. He just isn't coming in while I'm around. That's very odd. I'm not sure if he's intentionally avoiding me or what. She also told me "he really doesn't look good. He's lost a lot of weight...." He told me the same thing, but I couldn't see it. Apparently I'm unobservant or something. I worry about him a lot. I like him, genuinely, and hope I've in no way caused him to WANT to avoid me. I never wanted to be a "problem" for him.

I haven't talked to Keith in far too long, either. No clue what's going on with him. Fuuuuuck.

My friend (and occasional lover) EB is just... gone. No clue why but suddenly he's NEVER online at ALL anymore. I'm chalking it up to him finding a steady girlfriend. He had a girl who was a friend and things were becoming more serious between them. I counseled him to be very careful with his heart and committing to her since she's actually still married and in the very beginning stages of getting a divorce... but he listens to me not at all. I suspect she's the one he's making time with these days. Maybe it'll work out. I hope for his sake it does.... but I really, really loathe when I lose a friend because they've found a love.

Oh, yeah. And I thought that perhaps I was going to get away with having PMS but nothing more physical to show for it (as occasionally happens) but my body gave in and it's that time of the month again. I probably should have known when I was getting ready for work and thought "fuck it... I'm going to masturbate... I don't CARE if I'm late!" I ALWAYS care if I'm late to work. It's a "thing" with me. So I should have taken that desperate horniness as a sure sign. But sometimes I'm thick headed.

I don't know why I always write when I'm tired.

I talked to husband a bit about Martin. I told him about what happened at his house and asked husband if I'm a bad person for even considering the possibility of helping him cheat on "the love of his life." "Yes," he told me. ".... I think I can live with that," I told him. I just wanted to know.

I went on to talk about the fact that he and I will be moving to a small town "and how the hell am I going to get laid in a small town and NOT have it be a problem?!" He seemed to kind of understand, although when I added "And I'm a little concerned because you know... EVERYONE needs sex in their lives.... well... I mean everyone ELSE," I said, realizing he's apparently NOT everyone," and it's like... how am I going to DO that? Then again, it's been months since I got laid ANYWAY...." He had the grace to at least look vaguely uncomfortable, if not downright ashamed. After all, if it hasn't been a year since we last had sex, it's close. And it's been probably 8 months since we last did anything that could be regarded as "sexual."

The last couple of nights I've made it a point to kiss him more deeply than our usual perfunctory kisses. I don't know why I bother to torture myself like that, though. Though, it didn't feel much like torture so much as... nothing.

I did see Sam again, the other day. I felt like it'd been so long. I want him. So bad. He bought a couple of Playboys and told me "they're for a gift!" My heart had leapt for a second when I thought that perhaps he was looking for some stroking material because he was finally alone.... But no. No such luck. The next few months will go by and I will get not even the slightest taste of Sam.

A cute guy in a suit came in today, though. One can only assume he's one of the special cops around the area, but I can't prove it. Possibly FBI, he had that look about him. Whatever the case when he walked in for a split second he vaguely reminded me of Keith. I stood there for a long time, gazing blindly across the store, images of Keith in my head... imagining what it would be like to see him again in that sort of setting.

The cute guy finally came up to the register and I realized that 95% of what I'd thought he looked like was merely wishful thinking. He was still cute, though, so not a disappointment. I was in a good (and vaguely odd mood) at that point, thinking of Keith so I was perhaps a bit friendlier to this complete stranger than I might otherwise have been. When he left he said "see you tomorrow." One of those things most people don't bother to say to me whether they will or not. I liked that little extra bit of attention. I'm apparently way too easy.

Which reminds, me... the slut came in. Now, the slut is named the slut because that's the kind of guy he is. So totally not my type... but he's a slut and he even says so. And I appreciate that. He seemed vaguely put out that I didn't remember his name last time he came in so I made it a point to call him by his name today. After all, it doesn't do any good to alienate a slut.

Oh, and Cade came in, too. I was somewhat shocked and amazed because I haven't seen him in something like three months. We talked for about five minutes. Not about anything important. And I realize that I really LIKE him. He's one of the most self-possessed 20-something guys I've ever met. I like the way he talks to me and the way he handles himself in general. While we were talking I asked him what's going on with him. He's going to school, studying law. I asked him what he wants to do and he said he wants to maybe join the FBI. And now that's exactly how I see him... and it totally works. This is the kind of guy you see in your head as an agent (I mean, when Mulder and Scully aren't cavorting around blocking the view). Anyway. He gives me faith in people, in general, for some reason. I can't explain it, but I'm really glad he's a part of this world.

So. Yeah. Bed.

The rest

I'm still tired, only got up to let the dogs out, so I'll finish my story quick and go back to bed....

So the night was relatively uneventful, save that single moment in his office. When we left, the hugs and hand shakes went around the room as friends and acquaintances parted. Husband and I were the last two to leave. Martin hugged me goodbye, remaining completely proper as he did so. As we parted I realized that I'd let my hand run down his shoulder and chest in a more than friendly way. It wasn't exactly intentional, a throw back to our semi-recent intimacy, however, I AM still interested.

Once we got into the car, husband and I both started talking about his girlfriend. I have nothing bad to say about her. She was very quiet, but friendly. I was surely the same way, tonight. I think the thing most noticable was that she seems very sick. I knew she was sick before, in delicate health, even. However, I had expected that she would be healthier than she looked. She spent the evening bundled up as I sweltered. The other thing is that Husband pointed out, "she looked kind of... old." I nearly smacked him for that, if only because I had said that before after seeing a few pictures of her... and he'd argued that I was wrong. Well. Turns out. Although, I do think whatever it is that makes her so sick is probably the reason she's aged.

Obviously none of these things are things to mock or make fun of. However, I left feeling really worried about her... and about Martin. When he seperated from his wife (and before his girlfriend moved in) he lost a lot of weight. He looks as though he's put some of it back on. Whether it's from the fact that he's back in a stable relationship... or he's eating to make himself happy... I can't say. I sincerely hope it's the former.

On the other hand, the fact that he appeared to be asking me to sleep with him, again, not too long ago... and the way he acted in the office last night... I'm just not convinced he's all that happy. Or maybe he is but he likes his bit on the side, too. However, considering the fact that he left his last wife because she was "cheating"....

Anyway. Last night was kind of weird for me and obviously a LOT of things were going through my mind. Whether I've read any of the situation right I can't even say. However, I'm open to whatever... or whatever not.

It's also really weird to think that we'll be moving in a few months. The time limit on things certainly makes it unlikely that Martin and I will hook up again....

Five Minutes

That's really all the time I have to write.

Martin's "party" was really... interesting. His girlfriend and I were the only two girls there. The rest were guys... who were all nice and funny as hell, of course. I've met most of them. Anyway, it was a good time.

When I got there, though I was too hot and my hair was down. I asked husband to see if he could find me a pen, pencil, or rubberband. He found none of those things. Eventually Martin and I ended up near one another and I asked him if he had any of those things I could use. He led me into his office and pointed to the mug full of pens. I fished out a pencil and found he was standing over me a little. I gazed up at him and thought "he's doing this on purpose... and I can't do shit about it." It was kind of sexy, knowing he still wants me. We said something to one another... nothing intimate (although that might have been his goal) and I deflected. As we left the room his hand grazed my butt. One can only assume it wasn't accidental.

The rest of the evening we were fine. Nothing too weird. Although I was unnaturally subdued.

Anyway, there was more to the evening but I haven't time to write about it. Nothing too interesting happened.

However, if he ever invites me back to see him alone, again... well... let's just say I'm interested.

Headin'

We're going over to Martin's tonight for maybe the first time since his girlfriend moved in with him. I'm under the impression she's supposed to be there, too. Maybe we went before, when she was out of town... I think. It's going to be kind of odd, meeting her. Not that I intend to act weird around her if I can help it. But... still.

I called because Husband didn't. Just to confirm and find out what the food/alcohol situation is. While I was talking to him I couldn't help but wonder "is she going down on him right now? The way I did, once?" It seems unlikely, but I was vaguely annoyed at the idea....

However, it's going to be a really kick-ass UFC PPV tonight. I'm so excited about it.

I do kind of wish we were staying home, though....

You're Beautiful... in an ugly way.

Ha ha. I love Everclear (the band). Husband doesn't, it turns out. They may very well be my favorite band. He stared at me as if I was insane. Oh, well. My childhood sucked more than his did, dammit.

Anyway.

The night before last I think I had my second sleeping orgasm ever. The first came after having a chat conversation with a local hottie involving oral sex. How or why that set me off I can't say, but it was a pretty good orgasm. The one I had the other night... well... in the dream I came (from touching myself, of course) and found myself MORE than ready to have a second orgasm seeing as the first had not even nearly satisfied me. However, I think I woke up shortly after or something because I never did get to even TRY for the second. When I woke up I was debating whether I was actually wet enough to have actually had an orgasm. However, I figure if my brain thinks I came... I musta.

And oddly, yesterday, the guy who was "responsible" for my first nocturnal orgasm IMed me. I still think he's hot and deliciously masculine... but he's moving away and I'm irritated about the last year or so of knowing him. Since I've known him he's gone from being in a very strange open marriage (and available to me) to being in a closed relationship (and basically ignoring me) to being single (and available again). I didn't appreciate the fact that he ignored me so completely for so long and suddenly thinks I'm going to sleep with him. I told him that basically, I'm off the market. Which is (sadly) true.

I've become sexless. And hopeless.

A few months from now I'm almost certainly going to be living in a small town near husband's family (hours from Seattle). How I can (or will) find myself some booty out there in the sticks without it getting around is a bit of a mystery to me. It's not looking good for me at this point. I will amost certainly be celibate for a long time coming. You'd think I'd be more depressed but instead I'm... resigned.

Well, somewhat.

I watched Superman with husband the other day. The romantic scene on the rooftop blew me away. I think my breath caught at one point with my own thwarted desire. I watched a TV show with a VERY similar sort of scene and once again found myself caught up. It's all terribly romantic (but what makes it romantic in the movie would make it personally very painful in real life).

Anyway. I think it's almost that time of the month. Maybe I'll be "normal" next week.