At the Library

He warned me that he would be dressed very casually and unshaved. Seeing as it was two AM, I didn't much care. I just knew the ache between my legs was still unsatisfied and he might be able to help.

I paced outside the closed library for a while after I got there, waiting.  He pulled his car into the lot a few minutes after our agreed meeting time and I waited for him to get out.

My heart started to pound as anxiety took over. "Are you my Uber?" I joked nervously. "What?" he asked. Yeah.

Much of the rest of the few minutes are a blur of me being incredibly nervous. All my excitement was fine, replaced almost completely by cold fear. Not that I thought he was going to hurt me. I was just nervous in a way I haven't been in a very, very long time.  He could tell.

It was cold outside.  I stood in the parking lot with him for a minute and then told him we should get into the car.  He invited me into the back seat and I joined him, awkwardly.  I put my cold hand in his and pointed out how very cold it was.  He tried to warm it, but there was no hope.  Too many nerves.

I sat across from him, asking him questions.  I finally joked that I was interviewing him.  Then I realized I really was interviewing him. I liked his voice.  I don't remember most of what he said, though he ran down his professional life and some of his experiences with online hookups.  He's a good storyteller.

At some point he put my leg up across his leg.  I could feel the warmth of his skin.  He caressed my leg.  He complimented me.  I laughed at his compliment and told him to stop. His instantaneous response to stop touching me was unexpected, "stop what?  touching you?" he said, or something like it.  I don't remember what I said.  But he stopped.  I was confused, somewhat embarrassed and trying to parse what exactly had happened.

We kept talking.  A while later he readjusted both of us so his arm was around me, I was leaning on him and he rubbed my arm.  Another compliment.  More embarrassment on my part. And then he asked me some question.  I remember telling him I liked his touch.  That must have been the "yes" he was looking for because that's when he was done waiting. With a deliberate movement his mouth found mine.

He's a good kisser.  Not like the Ex with his deft ability to take me from 0 to completely wet in a few seconds, but not far behind.  Of course, by then I was already wet, so it didn't much matter anyway.  His lips were soft, his tongue warm, and busy.

Much of the rest of the time we were together is a blur.  I was tired, but excited.  His fingers were inside me fairly quickly and it felt amazing.  He continued to kiss me and I ran my hands over his body, feeling his hair, the heat coming off his skin. Eventually he asked me to touch his cock. I don't remember the words.  I just know I was lost in the feel of his mouth and his fingers and it took me a moment.  His pants had some kind of tie.  I couldn't figure it out.  He finally undid it for me, pulling his waistband down far enough to expose his cock.

I remember taking it in my mouth, it fit so nicely, soft, hot, smooth.  Amazing. He continued to finger me while he could, asked me a few questions. Questions that broke me out of my passionate, sleepy stupor and confused me. Then finally asked me something like "how long are you going to do that?" at least, that's what I heard.  I smiled against his cock "all night."  He may have laughed, "I'm okay with that."  I finally thought about what he'd said.  I sat up and asked him about a condom, which he quickly produced and put on in a practiced motion.

Somewhere in there I attempted to find a way to get his front seats to lay down into more of a bed-like formation but couldn't figure it out.

I ended up sitting back, practically on his lap and then kind of shrugged. With his help I ended up sliding his cock into me in that position.  As I sat holding on to the front seat, bounced on his cock for a minute or so "I've never done it this way" I commented.  At some point he told me we should go outside so he could fuck me.

We walked over behind the library.  It was very close to the back of a house.  He pushed me forward, bending me at the waist so I pulled up my long coat and pulled down my pants, baring my ass to him and the night.  Moments later he was inside me.  "You have to be quiet" he said, firmly before he began to move.

Well. I tried to be quiet.  But I'm not sure I managed it.  I hadn't had a cock in me in almost two years and nothing feels better to me than doggy style.  I love the way his cock head hit my gspot with each thrust.  It was amazing.  And I had to be quiet.  I tried.  I swear I did.  But he came after a few more strokes.  I think he decided it was either he finish or someone would find us.

We walked back to the car and I realized my hands were covered in sap.  Not sexy.  He dropped me at my house, kissing me a delicious goodbye and I went inside to deal with the sap situation.  Once that was done I crawled into bed and began looking for porn.  I still hadn't come, much to my disappointment.  He'd tried.  He'd even offered to eat my pussy but I declined at that point.

An hour or so later he came back online and we chatted for a few minutes.  He asked if I came.  I told him I hadn't and he was disappointed.  "I would have done more if I'd realized.  I also thought you were going right to bed or I'd have taken you back to my house."  We made a tentative date for a few days later.

I didn't get to come.  I just couldn't make it happen for some reason that night.  But I was left with some delicious memories, anyway.

Welcome back!

I. Have. Finally. Broken. The. Streak.

Fuck yes!

I haven't seen my delicious salesman in about a month. We email business things but it is all so formal. Exactly what I don't want to be with him.

I digress.

So after being off birth control for several months my libido suddenly decided it was done being dormant.

I was pet sitting. Alone in a big house. At some point I became ravenous for sex. I finally, against my better judgement, opened a new personals account.  Because I need sex pretty much immediately. Like, let me go stand on street corner or start knocking on doors.

Needless to say when I finally started getting some responses it was late. Plus I remembered that I have standards. There was maybe one guy I thought I'd fuck. But for some reason it couldn't work out. A wife, perhaps?  I forget.

I ended up masturbating to a pretty spectacular orgasm and fell asleep in the wee hours. When I woke up hours later, I realized what was happening. My period. Still horny, but that was quickly quashed by miserable pain.  It was sort of like my uterus was punishing me for not giving it what it wanted ( which in reality is probably a baby but in my mind is just dick).

Once I recovered from a terrible, painful day I was still miserably horny.  Oh, and did I forget to mention I had a cold?  I wanted to fuck, but couldn't stop coughing and blowing my nose. Hot, right?

And now I also had blood to worry about. Not normally something I normally find problematic, but this wasn't my bed or my pristine white sheets that undoubtedly cost more than they were paying me to sleep in them.

I spent the week masturbating with just about every sex toy I own. Masturbating, watching porn, and Chatting up guys I couldn't actually fuck.

When I finally got home, I told Husband I was looking for a man with which to entertain myself. I worried a lot that he would be upset. He didn't say anything about it, really. Hurray!

And so I kept looking. For some reason, and I don't know what, men sending me dick pics suddenly didn't bother me. "Send them, so I might come" I thought.

Really, though. I was shopping. And fuck it, if I'm looking for a man to use I might we'll make sure I'm as happy with the package as with the packaging.

One guy thoroughly impressed me with a big thick cock I almost didn't believe. It wasn't the first picture he sent, but close enough. Decent looking and something abnormally large but not silly?  Yes, please.

He let me watch him masturbate so I let him watch me shower. I could hear him moan as I washed my breasts slowly, mesmerized by the way he tucked his cock partway between his thighs while still rubbing it until he came. Oh to have been there.

He was more handsome than I'd realized, his photos not doing him justice. And watching him masturbate to me? Yesss. I needed him nright the fuck now.

Then he disappeared on some kind of planned trip. And I could still feel the hot ache between my legs moaningly empty.

So I kept looking. And last night there was this guy. He was one of those types that writes in full sentences. Uses words I used to look up in the dictionary. And swears he's going to fuck me into another realm. Or something like that.

He was mentally quick and wrote at a pace and with a certain turn of phrase that had me very quickly hooked. I kept thinking of his fingers must have been flying across the keyboard and what that speed and attention to detail would mean to me. Whatever he was offering, I was ready to accept. I finally had to ask for his cock pic, just to make sure the attraction would last through his pants coming off.

It was at least acceptable. And so, after much hemming and hawing and lack of sleep I finally agreed to meet him outside the library at two AM.

Salesman

I stopped using my birth control. Not because I want to get pregnant. It was an oversight really. But then I remembered how much I love being off birth control. My hormones are running free again.

I have been dealing with a salesman, trying to sell me on a rather expensive item for my company. I want it very badly. I also want him.

As he was describing all the wonderful things his product does, I was thinking about fucking him. I noted the ring on his finger.

When I talked to him again later, asking for some pricing info, I wanted to ask him if sexual favors weeks change pricing at all. Could I give him a blow job to seal the deal, maybe?

I wonder what he'd be like bed. If I sucked his dick would he lay back, moaning his pleasure letting me tease him toward orgasm? Or would he make a fist in my hair, forcing his cock into my throat using me for his release.

I'm not the kind of girl to go looking to run a marriage. But I love the forbidden. And I want to know if he's as confident in bed as he is in a meeting.

Hungry

I'm painfully cock hungry right now.  I crave a good man to attend my needs. Not someone who obsesses his own pleasure but who shares in mine the same way I share in his.  Yes, I want hard fucking that lasts hours.  But preferably from someone who enjoys it as much as I. 

It feels like an impossible request.

At work there's a long time client who had done some work for us as well.  I suspect he'd be delicious in bed.  Thoughtful, if not as shameless and endlessly hungry as I am.  No doubt Keith I his endless understanding of my needs would encourage that tryst.  And the details.  But I worry about that interaction and the ramifications. 

I'm not enough of a sex addict to damage my job... Or take the chance.

But dammit.  I'm hungry.

Sex dreams with a dark twist.

Keith wrote to me the other day. Just a brief "hey" and not much more.  Somehow it was enough to awaken my longing for his nakedness. But last night I somehow cast my lust on to Mads Mikkelson.  I've watched Hannibal and never really lusted after the man.  And then maybe I did.

Then last night I had a series of dreams that cemented my desire.  He was Hannibal and I was drugged.  He fingered me and let me ride his hand to near orgasm just clinically enjoying my body's struggle for release. He let me stuck on his other finger, giving me the opportunity to taste his flesh and work toward seducing him.  I came in a strangely gentle and barely satisfying way.  He kissed me and my entire self was focused on the feel of his lips and tongue. 
I could hear my husband banging his feet on something, trying to escape some kind of bonds in another room.  Mads left and I could hear an unforgiving impact of his fist.  Then silence.  I felt guilty and angry then just lust again.  There was, of course a very dark psychological element to all of this.  Very Hannibal.  He ultimately wounded me gently, tenderly, regretfully leaving me to die.  Maybe. 

I woke from my dreams and had to masturbate to relax.  But now my nipples are achy and want to feel the scrape of his teeth, the wetness of his tongue, and the hard sucking of his lips.  I want my nipples left swollen and red and uncomfortable so I can remember the feel of his mouth on me for days.

My pussy is empty.  I can only hope going back to sleep will fill it, at least in my dreams.

Memories...

Looking back at one of my first lovers after I got married I realize that despite being about 21 and him being about 29 we were both very much teenagers. He was very tentative and gentle. He wanted to be "kinky" but had a hard time really expressing it. He loved to finger me and watch my reactions. He studied my pussy like it was fascinating. We fooled around for weeks but only fucked once. Very teenagerish. I'm glad I had him but I cannot imagine waiting that long to feel a cock inside me. I don't think I could let a man take things at such a slow pace ever again.

Man, he had a huge cock.

Yes!

Now I can use my phone to post. But will I?

Support

As predatory as it may be, I think looking for a sex partner at a sex addicts support group might be really easy.  Of course, I tend to think the sort of person who would attend one of those meetings probably has a lot of OTHER things going on... so maybe I'm wrong there.  But there's only one way to find out for sure, right?

Speaking of threesomes....

Who doesn't love the idea of a threesome?  (That is a rhetorical question, for sure).

Above is a screen capture of one of the things I'd love to experience.  Except, you know, I want me two men... not two women.  But I'll take what I can get.  Maybe.  And I'm not sure that's the best position to experience the delight of a tongue on my clit and a cock in my pussy.  But I'm willing to try!

Of course, keep in mind that both of the guys would have to be bi and not so into one another as to ignore ME.  Because I'm the star of this show, dammit....

Need it.

I'm going through one of those phases.  Where I want it allllll the time.  Dammit.

David! I don't want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!

So I'm watching a movie about an English girl.  One of the plot points is about her losing her virginity at 17.  The man she chooses brings a banana to bed and manages to ruin the moment.

It made me laugh.  I lost my virginity to an empty bottle of Martinelli's cider.  I'm sure, as a company, they'd be very proud.

Anyway, I'm glad I took care of THAT piece of business by myself, because damn it hurt.  Needless to say once the shock had worn off, I was done masturbating for a while.  I always think I was really lucky, because I'm pretty sure had I been with a man... it would have been really anticlimactic.

Unless, maybe, it was with Keith.  Because, you know, I think I'd have gotten over it really fast.

Damn, I miss that man.  Will I pine forever?

Tonight....

Tonight is the last night I'll be spending at my friend's house.  I got a little melancholy last night.  But just a bit.

Keith sent me a lovely instant message.  Wonderfully, tragically romantic.  Don't ever let him tell you he can't write.  Or that he's not a romantic.  He's both.

I got to thinking about my desire to have a local stud to whose services I could call on as needed.  What a delight it would be to watch a house and have the freedom to have my lover come eat dinner with me or... of me.  Someone to relax and snuggle with away from home.  To play house, knowing it would only last a few delicious days before life we both returned to normal life again.

Can you imagine if I had posted that kind of invitation on Craig's list?  Can you imagine the types of responses I'd get?

But of course, the entire time I was imagining Keith draped across the couch in his white t-shirt.  Waiting impatiently for me to finish watering the plants or whatever chore I needed to do before I could spend the rest of the evening wrapped in his arms, tasting his skin....

So much to do, so much to see...

A photo from our recent trip to the lake.

I'm still looking for great things to do.  In a sense, my life will be on hold for a week while I stay at a friend's place, watching their cats and home.  I've never actually done this sort of thing before, and it'll be weird to be a few mere miles from home but not actually AT home.

You'd think this would be a great opportunity to hook up.  But I think that might be a very, very bad idea.  I'd absolutely do it if I had a guy I already knew.  Right, Keith?  Damn you for being so far away.  Damn ALL the men I've adored for being so far away.  You all suck.

So it'll be a week of lazing around someone else's house.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to bring my computer over so I can have something to do.  Otherwise, I might go CRAZY.  Can't live without the 'nets.

Ch-ch-changes...

God I hate that song.

So my life has been changing a lot again.  They say you change a lot in your 20's and in your 30's you finally settle in.  Apparently I'm about 10 years behind my peers in this....

I spent the day doing a photography workshop.  It was a gift from a friend.  I haven't gone to a "class" in years and certainly nothing like this.  I left the house feeling great anxiety but since I arrived almost an hour early, I managed to relax by the time class started.  And oh my god.  The teacher.  Man.  He was charismatic AND hot.  I had to keep myself from following him around the entire day.

I ended up befriending a fellow classmate, a guy who had at least a few years on me.  He'd have done me, if he had the chance.  I might have even considered giving him a chance.  Turns out, these workshops are great places to hook up!  But other than some vague flirting, he never bothered to make a move and I wasn't interested enough to make one of my own.

It was awfully nice meeting people who had the same sorts of interest as I, and there was a real variety of people there.  I had a lot of fun!

Tomorrow, I'm going for a hike to a lovely lake.  We'll spend the day there, swimming and relaxing.  An ultra-mini vacation.

My life is changing.  I'm becoming a more interesting person.  I think this all bodes well for the future....

Hey! A milestone!

As it turns out, this is my 1,002 post.  I'd have thought I'd write more.

So you want to know if I'm going to be posting more?  The answer is... well... unlikely.  I still don't have anything but fantasy to talk about.  Fantasy and masturbation.  Which in a sense is fine... but (in my opinion) is best for filling in missing action... you know... like in real life.  But not as a main meal, even if it's the only thing I've been surviving on for far too long.  Frankly, unless I start banging some other guy, I probably won't be writing much about a sex life (don't hold me to it).

As to Husband, he's not doing anything with himself right now.  However, he has an appointment with a doctor in the coming month and I'm hoping they'll put him on an antidepressant and... then maybe his libido will be even less than it was!  Ha ha.  Wait, this is not going to work out like I'd hoped....

Meanwhile, I've pretty much been continuously wet for several days.  The fact that I'm reading a lot of erotica is certainly helping with that.

Ooh, new blogginess

They've updated the blogger templates.  I like it!  A lot!  Much more personalizable without having to know cascading something or other and html.  Great for folks like me who probably have no business writing, anyway.

There isn't too much going on.  I think that's the theme of my blog for the last several years.  Hello, how may I bore you today?

I spend a lot of my time reading, now.  Mostly on my ipod with kindle app.  Oh, how I love those two things.  I adore having instant entertainment wherever I go.  It's no iphone, but you know... I'll manage.

There's a guy at work who has me somewhat entertained, lately.  I'm not the fun, flirtatious girl I used to be.  I value my job too much for that, and I assure you that kind of behavior would lead to some serious issues.  However, he's a young-ish, fun, masculine kind of guy.  The kind of guy I never see, at my work.  So even though I dare not flirt with him in even the gentlest way, I'm so very pleased to at least have the pleasure of being around him.  Yay, an attractive guy!

Of course, I suppose my pleasure at spending time around him comes from the slim pickings.  Otherwise... well, no, I'd still look twice.  He's great.  Anyway.

Husband and I still ain't doin' it.  However, I'm getting back toward that almost desperately horny state that led to so many of my other adventures.  Somehow, antidepressants and birth control be damned, my body wants what it wants.  The longer I go without sex, the less I worry about it.  But at the same time, I DO have needs.  And I have some KY his and hers that's waiting for testing.  Is it really that great?  Inquiring minds want to know....

So long

Being on the pill.  Boy.  It sure does its job.  I'm really not in any danger of getting pregnant when I never really want sex.  Good times.  Except, of course, when I go off it for the week.  And then I'm starving.  I start casting my eyes toward craigslist and fantasizing about Keith.  I had a sex dream about Martin, which was unexpected.  He was a fairly important part of my life just those few short years ago, but he's pretty much not intersected with me since before we moved away from the east coast.  The dream was unexpected but kind of fell into the "normal" sex dream thing for me.  No cock.  Although in the dream he was actually inside me, it just wasn't enough stimulation.  Kind of life real life.  Oh, snap.

I think I ended up reading a good portion of my archives tonight.  Thinking back fondly on the years I spent working with hot military boys and flirting my ass off.  I actually got damned good at that flirting stuff.  I never get to do it anymore, since I mostly work with unattractive men and lesbians.  And of course, since I really like my job I don't want to give the wrong impression.  Which is to say the right impression.

I miss the confidence and the fun I had back then.  It's hard to believe all the fun and games ended almost five years ago. I hear all good things must come to an end, but that's a real shame.

Husband and I have been doing a lot of activities lately, outdoors.  Nothing kinky.  Hmm.  But that could change, now that I think about it!  Anyway, so we've been getting out of the house a lot more lately than we ever used to.  The weather has been really poor the last two weeks and things have been really busy at work so I've been locked indoors far too often, lately.  I'm getting stir crazy!  That's part of the problem, see.  All that flirtation and fun and fucking (lots of f's there) was exactly what I'm craving.  Come winter, I might be in big trouble.  I might finally need to find myself some fine-ass man to keep me busy.

It's hard to imagine that it's been this long since I've been properly laid.  Give me a week and I'll be less concerned about it.  But for tonight, it blows my mind!

By the way, Craigslist?  Slim pickin's.  I forget how damned picky I am....

Canceled

I was supposed to go back for more testing, but my doctor cancelled it.  My dreams of seeing my beloved nurse-man are over.  I'm sure he doesn't work "regular" hours, so I undoubtedly couldn't count on seeing him this time, anyway.  But I'd hoped.

When I got the call cancelling my 2nd appointment my heart was heavy in my chest.  I'd already had a bad day and knowing I'd lost the chance to see my handsome man was very disappointing.  It all reminded me of living on the military base, hoping the hot boys I adored would come in and visit with me.  I miss that.  A lot.

I like the feelings the hormones give me.  I excitement, the happiness.  I crave it.  I was never so happy as I was during that time those years ago, surrounded by crush-able men.  I'm a flirtation junkie.  I can't deny it.  Is that wrong?

Hoooospital

I spent the night at the hospital last night.  No surprise, it was a planned thing.  Nothing to worry about, more preventative medicine than anything.  As with every other time in my life I have visited a hospital, I had a terrible night's sleep.  If it's not someone wandering in to take a temperature or check a vital then it's someone coming in to check a wire or prod at a sore spot.  Good times.

I was put in the capable hands of a gentleman who, well, he was kind of hot.  He put his hands in a lot of places and I tried very hard to make sure neither of us was uncomfortable about it.  However, after he left the room and I lay down to sleep I found my brain linger on him.  Instead of sleeping.  While he'd been setting me up for my evening at the hospital he'd described his own experience having similar work done.  And it made me envision him shirtless.  Naked.  OMG how I am supposed to sleep like this?

I forced myself to think of something else.  After all, my heart rate was being monitored.  But all night long I found myself drifting back to thoughts of him getting naked.  Getting me naked.  Oh, my.  I mean, he was at my god damned beck and call.  ALL NIGHT LONG.  When I needed to get up, he was right there, offering me a firm hand (to make sure I didn't disturb the equipment), so gentlemanly.

I lay back and imagined doing so many things to him and with him and... slept almost not at all.  Well, I can't say it was because of him.  But he certainly made the insomnia bearable....

And then I came home and had to masturbate while thinking about him.  It's been a while since I've felt that way about anyone.  I don't know what he thought of me, but I hope he'd be flattered to know he gave me a very nice orgasm.

Sixty-something.

So I'm sitting there, masturbating to some nice porn.  A guy going down on this (very porn-looking) chick.  And I'm thinking "Oh, here we go again.  Rush through the oral sex so she can get to you" and then I did what I often do, which is skip ahead to see if I'm right... and... I was wrong.  He was down there a long time.  Granted it was still very fake porn head... but I'll try to settle.  Skip ahead a little more and... oh, 69.  I can get into that.

I've never been a big fan of the simultaneous oral sex thing.  There's something about the idea of "sitting on" someone's face that just totally skeeves me.  I cannot cope with it.  Give me another position (side by side for instance) and I'm there.  Of course, it's not hard to flip things around once the fun has started, but just don't mention the sitting thing.  Distract me, please.

I've heard other people talk about how they DON'T like 69 because it really is distracting.  Apparently it's too hard to both give and receive at the same time.  Or hard to enjoy either.  I fully admit my experience is limited.  But one of the times I've experienced it, I really did get distracted while sucking his cock.  Not enough to stop, mind you.  I mean, that'd just be wrong.  But distracted enough to become a mindless, deep throating, sucking machine.  All the things that usually bother me about sucking cock (teeth biting into the tender skin of my lips, for instance) were suddenly non-issues.

I won't lie, I didn't get off.  Maybe that mindlessness turned him off.  Or maybe he realized he was going to blow and I wasn't there, yet.  All I know is that I like to suck cock while I masturbate... so why NOT 69?

BCP

So I'm on a birth control pill now.  Not really to prevent pregnancy but... you know, I'll use it for that, too.

I read somewhere (where?!?)  recently that someone thinks of taking their birth control pill as a daily reminder that they're NOT having sex.  A shame, really.  I'm thinking of it as a reminder that I CAN.  Score!

A More Serious Subject...

"...They had to go to foster care for a couple of days, how'd the little ones handle that...?"

"They were frightened to death. I mean... it was horrible because the kids were scared, frightened, didn't know where they were going.  Mommy and daddy didn't know where they were going and it was gut wrenching.  It really was."

 I transcribed that (minus the identifying or unnecessary portions of the wording) from a CNN hosted interview because I heard that emotional description and wonder why the fuck no one uses that to describe ALL the children who go into foster care.  I mean, yes, there are a few who handle it really well, couldn't care less where they are.  Some are even grateful.  But I assure you, the vast majority of children who are taken from their homes (no matter how terrifying) feel all the same things as those adored little ones described above.

The parents are suing their local government for the heartache and pain caused by the "mistaken" removal of their children.  I suspect it'll be a lot of years and a lot of appeals before this ends.  And really, as a child of the foster care system I can't help but hope IF a settlement does come out of this, that it doesn't come out of the lives of the foster kids who do need to be in the system.  And really, I hope they lose their case, because you know, much as I know it was a terrible, terrifying experience for all of them... it's more important that they DO catch people who abuse their kids than NOT cause a few days of upset.

But then I don't have kids.  So what do I know?

Gimme Gimme Some

I'm reading this fantasy novel and there was a (very tame) sex scene in it.  Which was unexpected and exceptionally well written.  I found myself trying to snuggle with Husband.  He was in a bad mood.  Fuck, his timing is awful.

Meanwhile, it's that time of the month (although in my case, you know I mean YEAR) and I'm going through all the normal PMS-y, horny things I go through this time of the month.  It's been a while since I've been at this level of sadness.  It's kind of funny, because I recognize it for what it is and it feels old and familiar and sort of comfortable.  Even while I'm sad.

When husband finally came around to snuggling, he started to get a hard on.  Of course I have my period and he knew it by then.  Sex is sooooo uncomfortable during the first day or two of my period.  But oh, god how I want it.  If husband had actually tried to fuck me, I'd have been all over him anyway....

The thing is...

I was browsing, thinking I could use a few new casual wear shirts.  In my search, I came across the shirt included here.

At which point I seriously thought to myself "I'd NEVER wear that."  Not because it's ugly, a bad design, or even not my style.  No no.  It's because it'd be likely that a person wearing this shirt to be eaten by zombies.  It's comic relief and I don't want to be the comic relief.

Yeah.  I thought that.  Because, you know, zombies are real. And life is a movie.

Servers!

It's raining out.  Gmail is down.  Warcraft servers are down.  I've already worked 11 hours this week (when I would normally have worked none yet).  Dammit!  What a crappy "weekend" this has been for me.  Really this post was a test to see if blogger is down, too.  Because I would have found it funny.

I don't really mind the rain.

Argh!

I tried posting the other day and blogger said "I'm broken." That was that.

So, let's see. I have a sick cat. The vet is currently at almost as much as a loss as I am as to what the hell is going on. It's all urinary but isn't making much sense via ultrasound, urinalysis, culture, etc. Switching to a urinary diet isn't ideal since she's got food allergies. One way or the other she's kind of fucked. It's very frustrating and I'm in the middle of dealing with another major episode from her. I'm starting to get the picture that it's the stress of going to the vet that's causing the problem... but I can't prove it, yet.

I made a doctor's appointment for myself. I want to get on one of the new birth controls and finally get officially diagnosed with the PCOS I so obviously have. And then deal with that. Unfortunately, it's a new doctor for me which means I get to wait a long-ass time before I can get in. Suck. But at least I've made the appointment! And then they'll diagnose me with high blood pressure and I'll claim it's at least partially because I'm afraid of the white coats!

My period has gotten so out of control, I honestly can't remember the last time I got it. It was... months ago. 4? More? I don't know! I've spotted a few times and have gone through the whole PMS episode this month. I thought for sure I'd get my period, especially due to an increased horniness factor that always comes on. The day before I become desperate and insatiable which I experienced as well as a little spotting and then... nothing. Just another normal day.

For the sake of my sex life, I need to find something. Get things under control. Because otherwise, my libido is almost nonexistent. And I'm pretty sure, the less sex I have, the more irregular I become and the less interested in sex I am. It's a terrible, terrible cycle. Just ask my husband....

On a different note, I purchased a 4-pack of Jones Pure Cane Cream Soda. I've had a partial bottle sitting on my desk since last night. First of all, I never bothered to try Pepsi throwback because I don't like Pepsi, but I am very curious about Mexican Coke (which apparently is made with sugar instead of corn syrup). Now, even more so since I've tried the Jones and fallen madly in love. Plus, the sweet, vanilla smell that comes off the bottle sitting a couple of feet away is driving me crazy. No candle ever smelled so good, let alone a bottle of soda!

Also, I never believed it, but it turns out I have a sensitivity to certain shampoos. Herbal Essences is the devil and makes my head itch and itch. I bought Sauve on a lark, as a replacement and that stuff makes me ENTIRE BODY itch. I finally replaced that with Pantene (which I've successfully used before) and for the first time in a month got out of the shower feeling clean and comfortable in my skin. The thing is, I don't BATHE with the stuff. But it's hard to keep shampoo and conditioner from running down my body. Having the middle of my back itch, well... it's been frustrating to say the least.

I woke myself up at 7am this morning to call work. By telling myself just before I fell asleep at 2:30 that it was very, very important that I wake up at 7am to call work. And I did. At EXACTLY 7am. The human mind can be freaky wonderful, sometimes. But now I'm going back to sleep!

Before I go to bed

I mean, not to be gross or anything but I'm going to need an explanation of how someone can "lose" something inside their vagina. I bring this up because I happened across a post about someone "losing a tampon" in their vagina. This is not the first time I've heard of such things. As a teenager this used to freak me out. As an adult, I remain mystified. I mean, my vagina isn't some gaping black hole. The whole "lost in a vagina" thing sounds rather curiously like something a young teenage boy would come up with. And yet. It always seems to be girls bringing it up. Seriously, wtf.

So busy!

I'm so busy with my life (and with doing things I enjoy) that I don't even have time to post. Which I guess means I don't enjoy it as much as I once did.

That's a shame. I've been a life-long journaler and here I am... not journaling. WTF?

I'm not sure what's going on with my lately, maybe it's the fact that I'm living under thinly veneered sense of terror. Maybe it's something else, but boy have I been working on being organized and eating right and all that crap, lately. Which isn't to say I didn't eat an emergency cupcake just before dinner. I had a need.

Money is especially tight around here these days. For reasons not even related to the economy. We've been virtually (and magically) untouched by the recession so many others have had to deal with. But, with medical problems piling up and the potential of my roomie losing her job (and therefore our place since the two are intertwined) well... it's a little scary. The job loss is probably not a realistic problem. But it is a mild possibility. Enough to make me hyperventilate a little. On the inside.

Luckily, wedding season (for us) is over. Gifts are bought and paid for. "Special" outfits no longer need to chosen and upgraded. Life is back to it's usual pace. Maybe now we can finally overtake the bills again....

Growing up there were a lot of weird things that happened in my house. A lot of them. Things that I never realized were weird, and in fact have slowly been finding out are weird. It's one of the many, many reasons I don't want children. What if I discover that something I think is perfectly normal to do to or with your children is really something super fucked up that never occurred to me as being super fucked up because I grew up with it? Yeah, there are have been realizations, some of them within the last few years.

As I've gotten older and realized how really terrible my very young life was, I've also realized that it wasn't just the doing of one or two people, but rather a strange amalgamation of events and people who found one another and discovered a mutual love of perversion and abuse all converging on me.

Even more recently I've been introduced to the knowledge that one of my close relatives raped someone, once. And apparently, at some point intended to do the same thing to me, if he was able to get close enough. It's awfully hard to explain it all, but it's really shocking to discover something like that.

I spent a lot of years trying to figure out sex. I spent several years enjoying casual sex and sex that was less casual. As hard as it has been for me to figure out my place in this world, I can't help but be thankful that it wasn't made a lot harder by this man. As it is, I find myself already mentally recoiling from sexuality just having learned this thing.

I don't know where this knowledge will take me. I hope I'm able to process it and quickly move on without dwelling too much. Especially since I'm a dweller! Big time.

Forgetting to title...

Sweat sweat sweat. The North West in the middle of a ridiculous heatwave. Thank god for fans and portable A/C. It's too bad it's not central air. God, I miss the East Coast where all the reasonable people have central air. I mentioned this to my husband and he responded "you just miss all the military boys." Yeah. That, too.

I wandered through the kitchen and god... everything needs to be cooked. Hot and in the oven. Boiled, adding heat to heat. Obviously I'm going shopping later for cold foods. Because god damn.

The funny thin about the above paragraph... kitchen and god... I'm reading the Kitchen God's Wife. I've never read any of Amy Tan's books. But I did like the movie of the Joy Luck Club so I figured it was worth a try. So far the narrative is similarly set up, which makes it quicker for me to catch on. I kinda hate it when the author changes narrators but doesn't warn the reader. Even worse is when they change narrators AND time. I get so lost....

And while I know no one wants to hear about it... one of my dogs is dozing on my pillow and occasionally blinking sleepily at me in invitation. He looks so comfortable and soft.....

Busy, Busy

You'd think it'd be the holidays leading me to a very, very busy social calendar. Somehow, I've ended up with four big events on four consecutive weekends. Lots of people, dressing up... etc etc. I've bought a bunch of new eyeshadow to play with. Among them were the Cover Girl exact eyelights eye shadows. I bought them in both brown and hazel colors and did one eye in each color. Other than having makeup on with too much mica... I don't feel like my eye color was particularly "brought out." Feh, I say! I bought a similar collection from Almay and went with that. So there. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the same company, Almay appears to be geared towards women who are... well... actually, older than me. But whatever. I also picked up the Cover Girl eye liner. When I wear green eyeliner it doesn't look like I have bright eyes. It looks like I'm wearing inexplicable green eyeliner. That's okay, though. Sometimes I AM inexplicable.

I wore a red dress to one of my events. I might just wear it again. I had rather thought I'd end up feeling like some weird Scarlette O'Hara but it ended up just being a dress. That's okay with me.

So I went to that wedding and I cried. I'm really happy for the couple. On the other hand, I've secretly long had a crush on the groom. He's a really, really great guy and seeing him married... well... it was sort of a shock. I was so happy that he feels he's found "the one." I want nothing more for him than for him to be very happy. I think it's in the cards for him. His new wife is fun and flirty and a lot like him. It was lovely.

The whole crush thing... the funny part about it... my husband commented on this guy's looks and I pointed out that the two of them look rather similar. "Probably partially where I got my taste in men," I mused. And it's undoubtedly true.

Oh, and the bride? Not at ALL what I expected for him. She and I have a lot in common physically, frankly. And it's kind of weird to consider... .... ... naw.

Although I have to admit I've always had a funny romantic notion about growing old and discovering my attraction was mutual and that we were both single (unexplained) blah blah blah. I have that romantic notion in my head for Keith, too. And probably others I've thought of. The problem being, romantic notions are rarely anything like the heartache and trouble that comes from real life.

Basically, I guess I don't intend to be alone when I get old and should something terrible happen to my husband I fully intend to pull someone out of my pocket for just such an occasion. Yeah. I'm a great person. Really!

I suppose

I suppose I should have been more clear about the changes around here. Except you'll probably never notice them. And that's really the idea.

Birthday

I just had my birthday, today. It ended up being the sort of day that... really felt like any other day. Some small part of me wanted to be excited about it. But it just wasn't. I woke up to cake. I went to bed to... nothing. Nothing at all. Of course I got up to write.

But in the middle, I did find myself a little depressed and yet found myself counting my blessings. I'm very lucky to live the life I do. Despite those moments (days... weeks, sometimes) where my husband and I find ourselves at odds, we really do care very much for one another. We love one another and when I remember to be nice to him... he can be very, very nice to me.

Still no sex, though. I can't remember the last time we did. It shouldn't really be this hard....

Still, we both have the freedom to explore as needed. No real jealousy. And lots and lots of trust. He's really a good man. Besides my marriage, I have at least one member of my family who won't let me fall. Not easily, at least. And several pets whom I adore and who take good care of my need for affection and attention when no human ever could.

I'm grateful for all that I have.

This year, I want even MORE!

The Problem

The problem with trying to become a more well rounded blog when I've been running one which has been so much more specific and therefore doesn't give away much in the way of identifying information is exactly that. I have to relate certain things that while still being pretty damned general... well... they're still potentially identifiable.

Which isn't to say anyone who knows me would ever bother to read this blog. I'm just not that popular. And the years have shown I'm not going to be.

Anyway, I've had so much to write. And yet been unable to share for fear of someday being identified.

Would it be the end of the world if my much more private life merged with my much more pubnlic one? Probably not. My work does actually have a policy on blogs. The way I first read it, I swore it said that if one were to keep a blog, their employees were required to identify that the company does not neccessarily endorse one's views. However, in re-reading it, I believe it's actually only a requirement to post such a disclaimer should I want the world to know that I work for that company. So... no big deal. I'm not really sure why the company seems to feel that they're so damned important. And really, I kind of wonder if they're suggesting that our facebook pages should have that info. They said blog but being old white men, they may have been confused....

Well. Anyway. I'm going to try something and see how it goes.

Dog gone...

I've been fostering this dog and his last day with me is coming up. Soon he'll be with his new family and I will be back to my regular allotment of dogs. I'm going to miss him. He's my first foster I didn't actually adopt. I did pick his new owner though, and I think they'll be great together.

There's also a very important business meeting, part of which I'm really not looking forward to.

So last night, I had a crazy dream which woke me up in terror and chills. I've never had a dream like that before in my entire life. It was like a nightmare... but there was nothing really dastardly about it. It was like being on a roller coaster and going down that hill that just drops out from under you. Very similar. And even though it was all in my head, my physical reaction was very real. Real enough to wake me up out of a very sound sleep.

I made a twitter account, too. I've really never used it. I may only have a few lines worth of good stuff to write... but I always like to write more. However, every so often I get emails letting me know random people are following me on twitter. I presume those random people do not exist except for spamming. I don't really understand how one spams using twitter. Eventually, I'm sure I'll figure it out. As things stand for me, now, I read folk's twitter pages and find myself mostly confused. Great! I've become one of those old people who doesn't get what kids are up to these days....

Tattooooooooo

I've long thought about getting a tattoo. Not to worry, I'll keep thinking about it. I'm not even remotely ready to get anything. But I think it's clear that I'll some day get one. Something small that means something to me. It'll be that private secret I always love to have....

Anyway, I'm thinking it'll end up being some kind of script. Words mean so much to me....

The reason I'm still up? It's been something like 80 degrees in the house allllll day long. It's killing me. The portable A/C says it's about 71 now. It doesn't FEEL 71... even when I'm naked.

I'm a damned fool. That's all I have to say about that.

I took out the piercings in order to physically heal, reduce the pain and annoyance when the dogs would walk next to me on the bed and inevitable and invariably step on my damned nipples. It's amazing how, without the piercings, they never do that anymore. I miss them, some. But they haven't been an important part of my life in quite a while so I think about them longingly maybe once a day.

Meanwhile, I ended up having a rather long conversation with the cute guy a couple of my coworkers have been crushing on. Based on this, I'm pretty sure he's single. And I'm pretty sure he's as not my type as I thought he was when I just looked at him. Although I can't explain it. Earlier today he talked about making fun of some kind when he was very young. It's difficult to really hold it against him... but so easy, too.

Growing up, I remember some kid making fun of another kid. I couldn't stand to watch it for one more second, so I walked right up to the bully and yelled "Leave him ALONE! You're... you're VERY CUTE." Yeah. Uh. That was my insult. I still, to this day, have no idea why that came out of my mouth. It wasn't true and he wasn't being very cute. But he walked away without another word. My point was to get the kid to leave the other kid alone... and it definitely worked.

My mother used to tell me if someone was making fun of me, "Kiss him!" I stared at her angrily, thinking she was making fun of me. "Because, they'll stop." I think she was teasing... a bit. It probably would have worked. It also would have given me a reputation I couldn't have dealt with at that age....

And this concludes my rambling post.

Honestly

I figured I might as well change the ol' title since I figure I might be somewhat less sexual. Maybe I'll go back, eventually.

For some reason I've been having a bunch of erotic dreams the last few days. Last night's involved a mixture of Zul'farrak, The Mummy, and some ghost show. I had sex with a ghostly mummy in the dream. Or an illusion of one. It made plenty of sense at the time. The night before I forget most of the dream but I'm sure I orgasmed during it. Looking back I can't help but wonder exactly how much of an orgasm it actually was. But in the dream, it was a very good orgasm.

Which once again begs the question... if I can have an orgasm in a dream why, oh why, can't I have an orgasm just by thinking about it?

On another note, I've spent a lot of time today watching internet videos. Not just porn, either! I know, shocking! One of my favorites (which I watch every few months) is called Family. I find it pretty darned entertaining. I find the episodes a bit jarringly unrelated to previous episodes, which is to say it's like they get bored of a storyline and drop it.. but... oh... maybe we should at least mention it... in the next episode. Still, I like the story telling.

So the point of this is I really need a hair cut. And it turns out one of the actors cuts hair. In Seattle. And I'm so amused by the idea of trying to get an appointment. But of course, I'm SUCH a dork I'd never really DO that.

The other thing I've been doing is reading a lot of "mommy blogs." Well, daddy, too. Why? I have no idea. It's not as if I'm jonesing for a baby. I think a lot of it has to do with the point these people are at in their lives and their views of the world more than the fact that they're writing about kids. Plus many of them are damned funny.

The Last Vestiges

I finally took out my nipple piercings today.  Just minutes ago.  And gone they shall stay.  At least for now.  Probably forever.  I miss them, already, just a little.  Without them, my nipples are so much less sensitive.  But my right nipple, the entire time I've had it, has never really healed.  Every time I'd take out the piercing to clean it, it'd bleed a little.  The left one never had that problem.  Well, anyway.  They're gone.

It's like saying goodbye to the last decade.  And to the secret knowledge that I have a little secret.  I don't have any secret now.  None at all, really.  No secret life to speak of at all.

I'm not sure what to do with myself these days.  I feel sort of like I'm swimming through Jell-O.  I bet a lot of people feel that way, these days.

One of the hot young men I know on Facebook became a fan of "I like kissing."  Which is fine.  Except for the part where I immediately started to visualize him and his hot boyfriend making out.  And then I thought "How could he DO this to me?"  I spent a lot of time working at NOT sexualizing him.  Mostly because he's a gay man and I'm not.  Ahem.

So last night I ended up having a weird, long dream about one of those taco trucks (there's one in LA that's been in the news for being great) and going to get my hair cut.  In the salon portion of the dream it turned out to be something of a kinky gay proformance art club that kept clients entertained while waiting for their hair cut.  There were two men engaging in some mild CBT on the floor which was freaking me out a little, while at the same time being really sexual and fun.  Meanwhile, another hot guy and his friends came in and he started making eyes at me and trying to subtly invite me into the group so we could get to know one another better.

But then I woke up.

I only have sexual dreams when it's that time of the month.  And other than being conspicuously kinky, I'm not sure it was even all that sexy.  But it was kind of fun.

All the stuff

I have a dog under the desk, hiding.  Because I cursed.  What better place to hide from my wrath then against my legs?  Why did I curse?  Because I calculated how much longer we'll owe money on the car at the minimum payment rate and realised it's 2 more years.  Even though I make it a point to put a little extra now and again, 2 more years is a long time!  It seemed like so much less when I just looked at the pay off amount.  Money.  So frustrating.

Husband has a date tomorrow.  Tenatively.  He took about a month or two off from the "dating" world since he was frustrated with the revolving door thing he had going on.   He's like me, when he finds a good thing he wants to keep it around.  Other people, though, are fickle.  So he's had a hard time keeping a steady lover who can deal with the reality of being second string.

And since I have to restart my computer... well... I guess that's the end of that.

Sad

I'm very sad at how many of my reads have disappeared.  Closed up shop and moved on.  I'm barely better.  It seems most of us can only keep it up a few years (or a year) and then... suddenly... we're fucked out.  Yeah.  I said it.

I'm no better.  Somehow I went from hyper-sexual to asexual.  Mostly due to circumstance.  But not always.  Lots of laziness.

I am writing again.  Not here, much, I'm back on an old kick.  Probably the one that lead me here last time.  Eventually.  For a while I kept a very specific sort of journal.  Then I switched to a very general sort.  More day to day frustrations and such.  But I found it didn't cover the parts of my life I needed it to.  So I switched to this one, which was once again about a very specific part of my life.

It's always been very important to me that certain parts of my life remain unmixed.  For a very short while there my work, home, and sex lives all coincided together and it was rather nice.  I was still forced to hide certain parts of them from one another, but for the most part I was able to marry the three pretty successfully.  I'm now back in a place in my life where the three are forced to be very compartmentalized.  I can't say as I was happier one way or the other, really.  

However, one of the ways this compartmentalization becomes clear is in the way I separate out my journals.  I have this one for this and that one for that.  If I write about that in this, suddenly this is... not quite as sexy.  If I write about this in that, well, then that one's suddenly scandalous in a way it shouldn't be.

I very much envy one of my favorite writers, Lola, for her ability to really include all the part of her life (work, sex, friends, kids, marriage) without making any of it seem creepy, wrong, or out of place.  Now, granted, she did write her most erotic works elsewhere.  So maybe we're all doomed to that compartmentalization, at least to a point.

As for me, I just don't know.  I still have so much less to write here.  My fantasy life is still somewhat active.  However, the number of men I see to fantasize about is sorely lacking.  I joked teasingly about making out with one of the male bosses and made everyone want to vomit a little into their mouths.  Myself included.  I never, EVER, joke about one of the male bosses because I'm sure I COULD grow a crush on him, but it'd be so inappropriate and obvious it'd be a problem that I don't want to deal with.

I've got some attraction issues to deal with, too.  Namely, none of the men I see around here are Keith.  And none of them have the qualities I've learned to appreciate so much in our military men.  Years of staring at groomed, uniformed, hard-bodies has made it much more difficult for me to look at the locals with lust.  I figured I'd eventually get over this weird obsession I've got with military men, but it's yet to happen.  And it's damned frustrating.  It's not like I didn't sleep with civilians before!

Anyway, I have to be up in about 5 hours.  So I'll go to sleep and come back next time I'm inspired.  Maybe even tomorrow.

Cheese

We went to the store the other day and visited the cheese counter.  As we were standing around gazing hungrily at the bounty before us, debating whether we needed to try some new cheese, the cheese man approached.  I know the guy who works in the produce department is called the producer... wtf do you call the guy who works in the cheese section?  The cheeser?  He took a look at what we were holding and asked "would you like to try it?"  I handed him a slab of dry jack and he returned shortly afterward with a couple of slivers to try.  Upon the taste, we dropped a wedge into our basket.  The cheese man kept talking, telling us about the cheese.  More about the cheese than I knew could be known.  And probably not made up, either.

 My husband handed the cheese man a wedge of fancy Parmesan and asked if we could try it.  "Do you like honey?" he asked.  "I'd just like to try it plain," my husband answered.  "Honey?  I like honey!"  I told him quickly.  He came back a minute later carrying a sheet of paper with the cheese on it.  Two slivers plain, two with a drop of honey.  We ate the plain first.  Another winner.  Then I tried the honey.  The cheese man continued to talk about the cheese, about the honey, about... well... whatever.  Because as I put the combination of honey and cheese into my mouth I phased out.  I could think only of this amazing bliss I was tasting.

And now I have a crush on the cheese man.  He was kind of cute.  But most importantly, he gave me the most amazing oral pleasure I've felt in a long, long time.

Amusement

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

State of the Union

Things are going here. Going as usual, really. We've almost been together 10 years, the old man and I. What a strange, strange thing to consider....

Husband has misplaced his most recent girlfriend. Well, she misplaced herself. The problem with women (...men, too) is that they don't really know what they want. The last woman made it very clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship. According to her, the last guy she'd dated had suggested they make their relationship more permanent which led her to dropping him quickly. In the case of my husband after they'd been seeing each other for a while she dropped him because "she wanted something more permanent." In fact, she told him that she didn't like the fact that his wife (me) could "stop things whenever she wanted." Which was never a danger.

I'm not sure if she was a liar or a fool. But, husband has my pity since I've been in his position before. With the man I call "the ex." He was both a fool and a liar. But I still cared very deeply for him. And he was an AMAZING kisser....

I must digress to the fact that kissing can very much make or break a relationship. In the case of "the ex" it absolutely MADE that relationship. There were a few other things he did well, but most importantly the man could kiss. God, could he ever.

So once again husband is on the prowl. I think he's a little disheartened. I totally understand that.

Meanwhile, I find the rest of my life just fulfilling enough to not feel like I need to go hunting for sex. I'm still totally sprung on those two nights with Keith, though as time goes by I get a little more willing to settle for something less. I still keep in contact with Martin, a little. I miss him more than I miss anyone else, I think. He's a great friend and I enjoyed having sex with him, too.

Part of me wants another lover. But at this point I want something like Martin and I had. Something based on friendship and mutual pleasure. I can get a little wilder, later, after I've enjoyed that particular closeness for a while....

As things stand...

Husband seems to have found himself a pretty permanent girlfriend. She seems nice enough, though I've never met her. I'm pretty sure it should stay that way as I tend to be bitter and sarcastic toward my competition... even when we're not actually IN competition for anything.

My warcraft account was hijacked and has since been banned. My repeated emails to those in charge have been summarily ignored. At this point I'm pretty sure I'm just SOL. The thing that really, really frustrates me is the amount of money I've spent for the right to play (namely buying the games themselves) and the fact that they can ultimately decide that even though I've paid for the games, I'm not allowed to play. Welcome me back to console gaming where I can buy and play a game and no one can come and tell me that the game's over before it actually IS. AND I can play those games again... once again... without some big brother coming in to inform me that I'm not allowed to play the game I paid for. Gah. So angry. Fuck Blizzard and fuck Warcraft anyway.

Speaking of fucking... since it appears I won't be playing warcraft (you know, that game I PAID for?) anymore... I've apparently got a lot more time to... well... fuck. I'm still in mourning (obviously) about the warcraft account... so I'll be whining about it for a while. But I'm thinking that maybe the time I wasted on warcraft would be better spent on self improvement. Which is soooo much easier said than done!

So... in my mind, casual sex and becoming a better love is really a form of self improvement. It certainly makes me feel really, really good when it goes well. So maybe it's time I start thinking more about sex and life and less about my frost mage.....

Nostalgic

I was reading some old blog entries.. and you know... it makes me misty. I miss those days. I miss the sexy, young men whom I used to engage in various forms of intercourse with. I miss that wildly social, wildly sexual life I lead for a while there. I like* being a slut. I like wandering into work knowing that I got thoroughly fucked by some guy last night, someone who isn't my husband. Someone no one would approve of me fucking.

There is an extreme shortage of males at my work. Of the two I see often, one of them is attractive enough for me to consider in a sexual sort of way... the other is currently hovering at just over twice my age. The thing is, the more attractive of the two has a whole family and huge social network that just overwhelms me. I have, somehow, managed not to more than very briefly entertain erotic thoughts about him. Somehow it simmers there quietly in the back of my mind, but goes no further. He's sort of a "last man on earth" kinda guy. I mean, I would and I'd probably enjoy it... but only if he were the last man on earth.

The older gentleman... I actually DO find oddly attractive. And it kind of freaks me out. I swear he even flirted with me the other day and I found myself amused by the whole thing. Every so often he says or does something and I can see him as a much younger man... and I kind of want him. I think he and I could have gotten along very, very well back in the day. Unfortunately, there are some things about him that absolutely blow my attraction to him away. Nine days out of ten when I work I find myself feeling a strong righteous rage toward him. And not even that sexy kind of potentially explosively passionate rage. Just cold rage.

Looking back at a few years ago, though. God I had fun. I was such an optimist for a while. It was beautiful. Everything was. I love that.

*I also really, really like italics today.

Girlfriend

So husband has gotten pretty steady with his current girlfriend. He swears it's really a friends with benefits thing and nothing more. "We're pals" he tells me, "who have sex." Been there, done that. But at the same time, I think there's still a certain relationship that forms. A special sort of bond. And I can't help but be a little jealous of that. On the other hand, I don't know this woman but I really like her. I like the effect she's had on Husband. She's indirectly changing our lives for the better and I can't bring myself to complain.

This weekend he's planning on spending Friday and Saturday nights with her. He won't be coming home until Sunday sometime. When he originally asked if I was okay with that I found myself a little bitter. A little unwilling to share. One night's okay... but TWO? C'mon! He's done this before, of course. And SOMEHOW I survived. Magically. Because, really, it's not that big of a deal. So I pouted for a couple of minutes and then I got over it.

Mostly, I'm jealous that he has somewhere else to go. Someone else to hang out with besides just one another. And if I really wanted a boyfriend it probably wouldn't be all that hard to make it happen.....

Porn... for women

So I've long had something of a crush on... well... a couple of different porn actors. Anyway, I was watching one of my favorites getting a BJ from some chick... and I found myself thinking "goddammit, if I wanted to watch him get a blow job, I'd GIVE him a blow job." And that pretty much sums up my feelings on that.

The number

I'm sure I've written about this before. I'm also sure I have no new thoughts on the matter. But I guess the same "issues" run through my head now as years ago. Unresolved as ever. I was reading about the difference between the number of partners a man had versus a woman and what that difference means to the two people in that relationship.

And once again I find myself vaguely at a loss to know what to say about my own number. At this point I have to admit I can't really remember how many men I've been with. It's been years... and so many of those men were one or two night stands that weren't all that memorable. I remember the ones that really matter (for various reasons). If I were to count those I think my number would be something like five or six. I kind of don't feel like knowing my own number. At one time it was a matter of pride for me. But then, suddenly, I realized that I could give a shit how many (in gross) I've fucked but really only care about the number who were actually really worth remembering. And even then it's not about a "number" it's about those nights and with those men.

Then I started thinking about Husband's number. His is slowly, but steadily, growing. And while I can take an educated guess, I really just don't care.

So that's the numbers for you.

Someone else's star....

So Husband is the one with all the stories these days. I just sit back and listen. He had a hot date last night, with someone I think he's only talked to a few times. He dressed up just a little bit (in one of the nice shirts I picked out for him about a year ago) and we agreed he'd call me when he figured out what his plans were for the evening. He brought a toothbrush. He did call... and he didn't come home.

The next day, Husband came home and called me at work to let me know he was home. "Did you have fun?" I asked him. "I guess," he said, sounding down. "K. Thanks for letting me know, I'll call you later," I told him and promptly forgot. When I got home, I asked him about his evening.

"It was bad," he told me. I asked for more details. "She has some interesting friends," he said, "HOT, friends. But we went back to her place and... it was just bad." I asked for more details, again. "She's had kids. And... well... you know the phrase 'hot dog down a hallway'?" I nodded and smiled and immediately started doing Kegels.

"Did you get off?" I asked. "Yeah, eventually I got myself off." I followed with, "did she get off?" "Oh, yeah." Then he added, "she just laid there. I mean, not the whole time. But she didn't move." "Mmm," I said, sympathetically. "And she talked. I mean the whole time. And she tried to get me to talk. And I couldn't shut her up. I don't like to talk. I don't need to hear how great my dick feels in her every two seconds." I smiled wryly. Husband could stand to be more vocal in bed. But too much talk is very distracting.

"Will you see her again," I asked. "No," he told me, " and you know it's put me off for a while. It was really bad." "Not so eager for your next hook up?" I asked. "No, not so eager right now." "Now you can see why I was always so interested in finding a longer-term partner. When the sex is great it's really hard to let that go. And bad sex... bad sex is just made worse when you've been with someone who's really good."

And then I opened up yahoo messenger and got an offline message from Keith.

It's a small world....

Husband's last "girlfriend" dropped him so she could become exclusive with some other guy. This whole situation reminded me just vaguely of "the ex" and I swear to god if she starts sniffing around him again I'm going to have to warn Husband off. Of course, he probably won't listen... I wouldn't.

Right now he's chatting up some other MUCH more local woman. I'm actually all for that. I really, really don't believe in traveling long-distances for a sexual relationship. Especially when you live in a city of roughly 3 million people. (Btw... I know it's not NYC but holy shit that's a lot of people who live locally!) I fully admit I've traveled long distances for sex before... but I learned my lesson and now flatly refuse.

Anyway, so the new woman the Husband is chatting up is friends with a blogger I read regularly. (I don't link to that blog, so don't bother thinking too hard about it.) Husband is not a blogger and is not terribly interested in the whole subject but I'm terribly entertained by the fact that he of all people would provide the real life connection.

I really don't think anything will come of that relationship. I mean, they might meet and have sex but I doubt it'd be more than once or twice. Based on what I've heard about her sexual proclivities I'm not sure they're on the same page. He thinks he can just ignore this particular "fetish" she has. I suspect she thinks she can convince him to try it. I think it's a disaster. But it's likely to be entertaining for pretty much everyone involved!

Erotica

Violet Blue used to read porn on her podcast. I thought that was really hot. She's got a great voice and chose some stories I found really great to masturbate to. She's stopped podcasting as much as she did and I find myself at a bit of a loss as to a good replacement. Maybe I'm using the internet wrong. But, I've been considering searching those great free-porn sites for stories that interest me and (with the author's permission) recording my OWN podcast. However, I find it really hard to believe there aren't other folks with better voices and the same idea. But like I said, maybe I'm using the internet wrong....

Porn

I was recently visiting one of my favorite free porn sites (yeah, I'm cheap) which gives me snippets of movies two of which are generally long enough to get me off and send me on my way to the rest of the less sexy internet (or WoW, as the case my be). During my visit I found myself gazing thoughtfully at one of the porn males. Many (read: most) male porn stars are barely tolerable to me. One might even call them repulsive. In this case I found myself not really attracted so much as... intrigued. Here (pictured at left) was a rather handsome, hard bodied, blue eyed, tattooed fellow in porn . Straight porn, even. Since WHEN? I did some diligent searching and found out his name (Derrick Pierce) and checked out a little more about him. In doing so I found myself at the LA Direct Models website eyeing the male... models. It took me a few minutes of serious consideration before I decided that "Modeling" was not really what they were selling. Certainly no one from the site is in any danger of starring on America's Next Top Model.

I've discovered the faces and bodies of main stream porn actors have changed dramatically. For the better. Nice. None of the actors on the LA Direct site are irresistibly attractive to me, but of the choices I found myself eyeballing Christian the most. He's got a hot body (well, I like more fat on my men but I won't complain), he's very masculine, and has a really great smile. I looked up a little of his work (fairly standard professional porn fair). I also stumbled across his blog. I've been hooked since. It's not that his blog is incredibly well written. Nor the fact that he plays a horde character on WoW (which server?!?!). It's interesting to get a peek into the life of a porn star. A MALE porn star, even. I'm learning things about the porn industry I had no idea about, had never considered.

There are a couple of things that have come from this. First, I'm watching a lot more porn these days and a good percentage of my time is spent being more critical, seeing all the things that are contrived to make it more palatable to male tastes (and unfortunately, often less palatable to my own). Second, I've learned a respect for the "actors." Lastly I've discovered that Christian has acted in some same-sex (tranny) scenes. I had NO idea what a big deal this is to some people. I've written about gay-for-pay (or whatever you want to call it) before. I was writing about how hot I found it... and there are a bunch of folks bitching about him doing gay porn. I'm too lazy to find a link but as it turns out there's not really a shortage and it's really vitriolic. Who knew?

I finally hunted down a tranny flick starring Christian. As it turns out, I'm not that interested in trannies. But what I really appreciated about it was the fact that Christian comes off as being... amused. It's not a serious business and the set up and acting by the trannies was terrible, but he somehow kept it from being a complete flop... which made me really like him.

I remain very committed to something more amateur. Or at least less... fake (ie Comstock). However, I have to raise my glass to male porn stars and to Christian in particular. Keep it up (ha ha).

It's just...

So there's this guy who's come into my work a few times. Older than me by at least a few years... perhaps not conventionally handsome. But he's got a kind face and a quick smile; one of those smiles that transforms his features from average to something much more.

I was having a pretty bitchy, crappy morning and he came in. And talked to me a little. And I got just a little bit more of a crush on him. And it changed my entire day. Suddenly the world was a little brighter and I couldn't stop smiling.

It's been so damned long since I've run into a guy who seemed crush-worthy. Someone who could brighten my day by just smiling at me... or by my just thinking of him.

Of course, given the place I work I'm not in much danger of running into him too often. I'm lucky if I see some of our clients a couple of times a year. In his case I think I've seen him three or four times in the last two months which is quite a lot.

Anyway, it's nice getting to feel that rush of excitement, again.

It's be extra nice if I got to go back to his place with him and....

Just a quick note

So since I last wrote husband has been to see his girlfriend a few more times. Things are still kind of weird but I don't find it infecting our daily life too much. It's funny, though, listening to him sounding a heck of a lot like I used to when I was seeing my lovers. "I'll stop if you want me to... nothing's worth upsetting you" etc etc etc.

We really haven't had sex since he got himself a girlfriend. In a sense that means he's being faithful to her. That does not please me. On the other hand I find myself remembering how very BORING sex was with husband once I'd had a taste of a new lover. Sex with him was a consolation prize (though I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way) and I can only imagine he feels the same way about me. I told him the other day "I don't want to be your second choice." Nevermind how many times I'd have rather been fucking my lover than him. It's not so pretty being on the other side of that coin.

We took a week of vacation and he spent two nights of it with her. I actually dropped him off at her house. There was a potential for me to actually SEE her but I tried very hard not to. I don't really want to see or know. I drove off as soon as I was sure he was going to get inside. When he came back... it was back to life as usual. Except we were still on vacation.

Vacation. So lovely.

Open

Husband's and my sex life has been confusing at best. While he was out of the country we agreed to let things be non-exclusive so our needs could be met. I took FULL advantage (even being called a slut in a NOT very nice way by a coworker whom I'd shared many details with). Husband was less devoted to the idea and merely made out with some chick. He would have taken it further had she not had misgivings. Whatever. Upon his return we agreed to keep our open relationship. Neither of us did anything outside the marriage at that time for quite a while. And then husband's libido dropped off. So I went looking. What followed is mostly chronicled here.

Lots of very good and very average sex with many men. Husband remained mostly celibate. He had a one night stand shortly after coming back into the country all those years ago. And that was that for him. Our very, very infrequent coupling was more than enough to satisfy him. My advances were regularly met with annoyance and therefore all sex stopped. Until he decided, after several years, he really wanted to have sex. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I found myself irritated and reluctant. Part of me (a very large, obvious part) found bitter pleasure in turning him down. I told him as much. For the most part he stopped his advances. More recently, though, we've been on the same page and suddenly sex has seemed like a lovely pass time.

However, during this, he's started looking for his own play thing. And actually succeeded. And that's where it gets weird.

I'm really glad he's not bugging me for sex. I'm really glad he's found someone else to pour that all into. I'm really angry that he's having sex with someone else after turning me down for so many years. I'm really curious about their "relationship." And I'm really, really not. All of a sudden the much more frequent sex we were having has completely stopped. I'm also very okay with that. Except the complete cessation has me a little concerned. And totally not.

I don't even know what to think anymore. His girlfriend is going on a long trip soon. Whatever they have going on will probably fizzle with time. Or not. Who knows? She's not really "wife" material for him so I don't feel particularly threatened. Just weird about the whole thing.

It's just odd. Very odd.

Org

Ah, how I love warcraft. Ahem.

Last night husband and I had a wonderful wonderful romp in the sack. It was great. Once again I gave myself a stellar orgasm. Husband lay under me, looking impressed and amazed. "That was fast. I'm jealous." he told me. He should be. It's funny that I cum faster than he does. It's exceptionally gratifying, too, to actually be in a place where I can guarantee I will be having an orgasm. There's no doubt and no question.

Now if I can just figure out how to have two.

So last night before going to bed, husband started getting a little frisky. I think he was offering to go down. Alas, it's barely been a day and a half since my period ended and well... things weren't feeling so fresh. I declined (as usual for me, really). So husband began massaging my pussy through my pants. It was really, really nice. He was perfectly rough and utterly irresistible. I lay back, moaning a little. Thinking just maybe I could get into this. "I wish I had magic hands like that guy in Needful Things," he said. I thought about it for a moment, "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You know, " he told me, "that scene you liked so much where he gets her off." I thought about it for a long moment before agreeing "ah, the sheriff. I remember now, sort of. I'd forgotten."

I was quiet a long moment as he continued his delightful assault before I added "maybe you do. Maybe I'm just not the right woman." He was quick to disagree, "I'm doing better with you than my last wife. At least you have orgasms." Then he continued "she used to really think chocolate was better than sex. Without the orgasms, I can see maybe that'd be true. Maybe. But she didn't even want to TRY."

I considered a moment and said, "I had some really good chocolate the other day. Like *really* good. Like maybe better than sex WITH an orgasm good." "I want some of that," he told me. I smiled evilly, "It was mint." He hates mint.

Then he got up and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. I followed suit except managed to gag on my toothbrush, thus effectively ending my tooth brushing experience and making me more than reticent to put my mouth anywhere near my husband. And that was that for the night.

Now, I find myself thinking about hunting the book down again and reading it. I do remember being rather turned on by that scene. I don't remember much of the specifics, though.

Fucking Husband.

Last night, maybe 26 hours ago by the clock I got laid. Finally. Oh my god. Husband and I finally managed to get ourselves together and we had sex. It wasn't good sex. But it was nice sex. If only because it'd been so long. He fucked me for a while and I finally decided to get myself off. I think it took less than a minute. He was amazed. I told him I'd been practicing.

His own orgasm was more delayed. Funny how that works. It took what seemed like forever. He was embarrassed as he shyly asked if he could cum on me. "Where?" I asked, wondering about the logistics since we were laying side by side. "Where ever," he replied evasively. FUCK. We've been married ten years. He can't tell me he wants to cum on me somewhere in particular? "I need to know WHERE," I told him, "I really, really prefer it not be a surprise." He was quite a long moment before saying "Well, your tits would be fine. I mean, your face would be great but.... your tits would be fine." It's funny to me, his fear of suggesting cumming on my face. I wonder what it means for him? He ended up coming on my tits. Positioning was just too hard as things went for it to be a facial though it was my goal to give him that pleasure.

Afterward, we snuggled together for a long while. He kept touching me, rubbing, caressing... and it became not just annoying but actually grating. I had to leave. He's been trying to be sexy with his touches, but they just irritate me. I like hard touches, massaging... not tickling not caresses. Not like THAT. Since when doesn't he know that? Or did things change? Is it me?

He wanted to fuck again today. I passed. I think I'm going through PMS. It's not pretty.

I did finally masturbate tonight. I came hard. My insides are still swollen and tender from last night's long-awaited fucking. I'm definitely going to need more, soon. Just not tonight, honey....

Feeling

You know the best feeling in the world? New batteries in my rabbit. Awesome.

A New Lease

For whatever reason, things have been going swimmingly, lately. I live in my own room, now. My husband has the king beg to himself (well, himself and the dogs) and I have my little twin all to myself in the next room (with adjoining doors). I sleep better than ever, I'm happy to say.

The side note on this is that if we want to spend time together, we have to make time. Every evening we find time to snuggle either in his bed or out on the deck. And he actually makes the time. He invites me out to snuggle. We talk. It's really, really nice. The last few months have been some of the best of our marriage.

Unfortunately, while we occasionally make out we still haven't had sex in... years? I did just give him a blow job after we engaged in a pleasant bout of heavy petting. So maybe that counts.

I'm trying very hard not to care. Not to focus, too much. It's actually working pretty well. I'm mostly happy. Definitely happy with him....

Fool!

Ha ha, I'm a fool.

Anyway, as it turns out I put my comments on "moderate" and then forgot about them. For apparently about the last 5 months. Oops.

Yes, the mail finally came. Yes, the rabbit vibrator is everything I've heard. Although I'm still often frustrated by my inability to come at the flip of a switch. It takes longer than that. Dammit.

I've been idly perusing craigslist's casual encounters. Undoubtedly I won't use it. Some guy from Virginia sent me a yahoo IM. If he was ever on my YIM that meant fucking him was at least a possibility. However, I found myself gazing tiredly at the screen and quickly finding myself something else to do. He'll be in the area, he tells me. I don't care. I don't care about anything to do with him....

Husband has been acting more amorous toward me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm being more flirtatious towards him, too. I want to be fucked. But we never seem to find the time. I must not want it bad enough. Thank god there's always porn....

TV

No doubt I'm a deep down slut. I never take advantage of my freedom to explore that anymore. However, I still find myself aching for that singular pleasure of a new man's fingers on my skin, the sensation of a new mouth and tongue, and discovering the pleasures of his hard cock. I love the electricity of a new lover.

The reason I bring this up is that I was watching one of those reality shows and there was much kissing involved. Which reality show? Well, I'll leave that to you to guess. The thing is a relative called to inform me that someone I know is on the show. "Know" is generous. I remember his name. And the thing is... I remember he wasn't all that to look at when I was growing up. I mean, he was okay. But oh my god he's gotten much hotter, now. And I got to watch him kissing some other girl and it got me thinking....

Which led to much masturbation. And a vague sense of shame that I'm so very easily led to masturbate about someone at 29 that I couldn't be bothered to masturbate about when I was 16.... you know... when I was all about masturbation and wanting to be fucked....