Wednesday, November 24, 2004

What I'm thinking just now.

I had a late late night with Frank last night. Early into the sex he asked me what kind of blog entry he'd get. I drew a complete blank as to what he could POSSIBLY be talking about as we were having sex. When I got my brain sorted out I was somewhat taken aback that such a thing entered his mind. Geez. It was swiftly forgotten on my part. Afterward I considered whether I should blog about it at ALL. Just to irk him. Maybe.

I'm still somewhat obsessed with the fact that Li was receptive to my advances. Even if he put me on hold for now. Obsessed not neccessarily in a good way. After the inital excitement over the fact that a guy I'm TOTALLY attracted to (in real life!) is interested in me I suddenly got to thinking about what it would be like to actually have a less professional relationship with him. And then I started to get worried.

I put a lot of thought into what it would be like to date him. I can see it going only one of three ways and two of them are not particularly acceptable to me... and either of those is the most likely case. Most of my concern involves my behaviour. Namely jealousy. And fear that the "relationship" I envision will become a near perfect reenactment of my relationship with my ex. And I'm just not sure I can deal with that again. Considering how badly I long for the ex I find it hard to deal with the idea that I would put myself into that situation again.

Anyway, I've got buyers remorse. After wanting him for this long (and wanting him still), going from being internally confident that I could bag him to being absolutely assured by him that I could bag him (under the correct circumstances) changes the way I view things. And I'm scared to ruin what has the potential of being a really good friendship. No, what I'm scared of is reliving the past and being heart broken, depressed, and put off guys for months and months, again.

My sister says "don't do it!" my husband says "dude, guy's not putting that much thought into it... he's thinking 'sex!' and that's it." Both are probably right.

What I need is a good poly boy.

Anyway, this is a subject I feel like I'll need to talk to Li about at a later date. Without freaking him out and driving him away. Or getting too super serious. Because I CAN have sex without love. But maybe not with him. Probably not with him. I think I'm doomed.

And I mentioned something about having a crush on him. To which he said "what?" I repeated myself. Never really considering that he might have been surprised at the idea of me having a crush on him rather than having not heard me. Damn.

Except he's said he gets tired of the one night stands.

God, I find myself getting all wet and excited just thinking about getting him into bed. Or just having him be aware of me and the fact that I want him... and not turn me away."

I really am going to have to devote an entry to Frank. How could I not?

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