Damn.

Something about the ex just gets under my skin. I KNOW he's my ex for a reason. I mean, seriously.

He asks me for sex. He changes his mind. He asks me to come sleep with him but NOT have sex... and oh he's so in love with this other girl but she's far away and he's stuck at home alone and I'm so close but all he wants to do is not be alone and can't I just come over? I mean, let's not forget the reason he stopped having sex with me in the first (and second) place was because of another girl he felt the need to be immediately monogamous with and we had to just be friends but can't we just snuggle sometimes?

Let's not forget that his and my relationship, while primarily sexual, was not ALL sexual. And it's funny because much as I love him I think he's a dumbass and I totally disagree with a lot of what he's choosing to do with his life. I feel like I should tell him "ya know... don't talk to me anymore" and yet... we have a really wonderful history and I can't bring myself to end it badly. This slow withering non-death isn't lovely but it's more bareable than being hurtful to him. For a while there he made me feel a lot of things I hadn't felt ever in my life and I appreciated that. It was a fantasy but it was a really great one.

Anyway. I need no advice on this one. There's no help for it. I make my choices and I live with them. I'm not unhappy. Just... confused.

But then we get into a long-ass conversation and I remember... oh, yeah... that's why I like him. That.

That Face

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Ooh la la!

No, this post has nothing to do with the French.

Ever since sleeping with EB the other day I'm feeling refreshed and ready to play again. Thus the reason I finally convinced husband to let me play with him. Even if it was entirely selfish on his part.

Normally the pill takes my libido and stomps it into the floor but this month... not so much. And I'm thinking it must have something to do with the fact that I got some. It's amazing how getting some gives one their libido BACK.

I haven't masturbated yet today but I certainly woke up plenty wet. Left overs from how excited I was last night. That's not normal for me. Maybe I was having a good dream, too. Seems likely.

Whatever the case may be I'm being more proactive in my search for sex and may actually meet up with a very very local guy I've been putting off for a month or two. It might be a complete bust, but there's hope that maybe he and I might just have enough chemistry to make it fun.

Of course, I may chicken out. Husband may start having sex with me again this week for a few days and then I'll be so excited to be getting some from HIM and not wanting to distract him I'll stop looking at the other guys and he'll get bored and I'll be pissed that I turned down sex with others. Yeah, okay, let's not fall into that trap again this time, right?

BTW I'd like to thank Tiger for writing "not so much" so often in her blog that it's now becoming a regular feature in MINE!

Oral

One of the things that irritates the shit out of me about husband is that for as long as I can remember anymore (which is to say since at least summer, I'm betting) he has not approached me once for sex. Not once. We've gotten into this habit. I ask him for sex he says no. I ask him for sex. He says no. I ask him for sex. He says FINE. I get mad that he has to be so grudging and don't want to do it with him. Repeat as neccessary.

This afternoon I asked husband for sex and got a no. So I said "fuck it" and started playing with him. He grudgingly mimicked having sex with me when I begged him to fuck me (neither of us unclothed at the time). I finally pulled off my pants and underwear and he told me "look, I just want to GO! Or go to SLEEP!" I whined pathetically and he went back to faking humping me. Soft. Finally, he lay down on the bed and stared at me as I put my pants back on. I climbed over him and rode him, both of us still clothed. It felt good to be on top of him that way. I felt empty. Finally, I moved off him and began stroking his cock through his jeans. Still soft.

I continued to rub it and it gradually got harder. Finally he reached down and unbottoned his jeans. I reached inside and began caressing his thighs, my fingers trailing over his ass and balls to rub his cock over and over again. He was stiffening up nicely so I leaned down and squeezed his cock between my teeth gently. I wrapped my lips around the head, his underwear acting as a barrier so I could tease him.

I sat back up and did something else for a moment before returning to caressing him. As I looked away he pulled his underwear down. "Oops, how'd that happen?!" He asked. I glanced at his hard naked cock. "I don't know. C'mon, let's go." He frowned. "You started this." I shrugged, "you said you wanted to go." "If you want to have sex, we can." I glanced at his hard cock and considered the potential freezing of the roads as it got colder and darker. "Let's go." He got up, "you're evil." I agreed. I asked him if he wanted to go pee before we left then laughed, "oops, you can't!"

Eventually he did go pee and we did leave. Later in the evening I asked him, "are you really not going to have sex with me tonight?" "No, I gave you the chance and you didn't take it." We had this conversation more than once this evening.

Finally bed time arrived. I went to tuck him in as is our ritual, depending who goes to bed first. I went up, prepared to go to sleep, too. I tucked myself into his blankets (we sleep with seperate blankets as my favorite blanket happens to be a twin size and his is a queen but we have a king bed). As I lay there I raised my thigh to protect his nether regions from the excited dogs bouncing around the bed. Gradually it occured to me that his naked nether regions were within reach of my hand and if I could just get my hand....

And so I got him hard. Not content to stop there I sucked his cock, alternating my mouth with my hand, letting one rest while the other grew tired. Finally, he came.

Afterward I went to get a warm dry washcloth to clean up the mess and snuggle just a bit. We talked a bit. "I'd have to say that's the best orgasm of 2005." (Let's not forget husband has been self-pleasuring for the whole of 2005, refusing me all the while.) I laugh, "just 2005?!?" He thinks for a moment and says, "of all the times you've done that for me, I'd say that was the best. Really." I nod. "Maybe because you teased me earlier." Well, DUH.

He lay relaxed and tired and yet still miraculously completely hard. I commented on it. "You could ride it, if you wanted." I gazed longingly at his cock feeling the incredible wetness inside me seeping out. "Ah, if I did that you probably wouldn't cum and then you'd be left all wanting and unable. I couldn't do that to you." "I might eventually be able to cum again... sometime tomorrow," he said, letting me know that indeed it would be a less pleasant ending than the one he was currently enjoying. I gave his cock one last gaze before kissing him goodnight. Before I left the room i asked "are you alright? Need me to cuddle or are you okay?" He smiled drowsily, "I'll be fine."

Oddly, while I'd be more than happy to be fucked right now, I'm completely satisfied.

Sober Girl

Last night? Tres fun. Although by the end of the night I was drunker than I had any business being. Over did it by about two glasses too much. Two shots? Whatever. How does one measure bourbon? Needless to say I don't drink often and find it very easy to over indulge when I do simply from lack of practice. not that I want more practice.

The dogs got me up far earlier than I would have liked so I'm going to head back to bed, I think. I was up until something like 4 am, chatting and the dogs have forced me out of bed around 10. Not nearly enough sleep.

So back I go.

God damn do I get horny when I'm drunk, though.

Drunk Girl

Yeah, when I get drunk boy oh boy am I aimable.

I've decided next time I'm going to have sex with someone I'm totally going to get drunk because it seems like a good idea... when I'm drunk.

Actually, I feel like getting totally sloshed with Frank because I think he'd like me drunk. Like me a lot. And I honestly never do anything drunk that I'd regret sober, so fuck it.... hehe heh.

Who's drunk? Oh, yeah. Me. Right now.

Very. Numb-ish limbs. Bourbon is evil. Must... drink... water.

This will conclude drunk blogging. For the moment.

Oh, and there's no reason for me to be drunk except it's been a long-ass time since I have been and I just kinda wanted to be.

Drop it like it's hot... even though it isn't.

Having watched the Drop It Like Its Hot video a few times I can say with 100% certainty that no matter how hot the girls and how sensually they try to do it there is absolutely nothing sexy about tongue clucking. Nor will there ever BE. I don't want to say that I don't appreciate the effort. I mean, they tried really really hard... but no... I'm sorry.

Also Snoop... not hot. Him clucking his tongue does not change my opinion of either the clucking or the man.

Disappointing

I'm so disappointed lately.

I woke up this morning and decided to masturbate a little. I grabbed the toy I have sitting at bedside and slipped it inside myself. I played with it for a bit and discovered I wasn't nearly as sensitive inside as I ought to be and would be stuck frigging myself forever if i didn't give up. So, off to the shower to start the morning routine.

Once downstairs I realised I had some extra time. Dressed already I put my vibrator against my jeans and waited. Mmm. Not bad. But also not one of those days where I'm going to cum in my pants, either. How disappointing. I take off my clothes and sit naked, watching porn. I put my dildo inside myself. It's okay.

Eventually, I rub myself to orgasm. I cum. But I barely feel it inside. Damn. There's really nothing better than those orgasms that just make all the internal sexual organs convulse and tingle. And nothing more disappointing than having a purely clitoral orgasm... with no one anywhere around to at least appreciate that I've cum for him and could he please cum, now, too?

Thoughts once again go to DJ. The fact that we can't seem to manage to get together again... that's disappointing.

One More Bra Post

Well, one more for now. I modeled the bra mentioned in my last post for one of my online guys. Someone I'd love to have sex with but probably never will. I've put on a lot of underwear for various guys. Once again I got a "I like that one!' type of response. I think I've found a winner here.

Now I'm wondering if it's the color scheme (red and black... which I've ALWAYS avoided together) or the cut... or both. Whatever the case, I remain pleased. I'm hoping against hope this joyful optimism will remain with me for a while. I love feeling sexy.

Compliment

One of the most memorable parts of last night...

Actually there were two. I was busily sucking EB's cock enjoying the hell out of it making him moan (I think sometimes he fakes the moans in the hopes it'll make me hotter... or to encourage me to be more vocal, too) when he stopped me. There are lots of guys who've stopped me mid-suck to move onto something else. I appreciate that they stop me before I get them to the point of cumming leaving me high and dry. Don't get me wrong. However. I really enjoy sucking cock and I do hate being stopped before I'm ready to stop. But, I realise now that he was looking forward to coming inside me. I'm not sure what the satisfaction in cumming inside a woman is... but guys sure do like it. Whereas I'd rather be cum ON.

The other most memorable thing. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. No make up, nothing. The rush to get out of the house to see him was too great to bother with such things. But of course, I chose my underwear carefully. My new black and red lace Victoria's Secret bra and a plain black panty. When he finally got me out of my t-shirt he looked at my breasts appreciatively. "Nice bra," he said... before reaching around to take it off. It's so important to me that a man notice that I took that extra time and money to have sexy underwear for him. It was only a brief moment in the evening... but it was also a brief evening so I appreciated the attention.

EB is definately the kind of guy a girl would want to marry. Just because of things like that.

Aren't Quizes Annoying?

In the interest of sharing another part of me...

3 names you go by: Odalisque, OdalisqueK, Odal.

3 screen names you have: Only a very few people know my other names and I'm certainly not sharing them here! Mostly I'm OdalisqueK Although that started out as just plain Odalisque until that name got popular.

3 things you like about yourself: More daring than I used to be, I'm loving, I'm smart.

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself: I'm pessamistic at times, I procrastinate, I always look for the easy way out.

3 parts of your heritage: Scottish, German, and Russian.

3 things that scare you: Being recognised as the bad person I know I am inside, feeling unloved, being too unattractive to get laid.

3 of your everyday essentials: Shampoo, Toothpaste, the pill.

3 things you're wearing right now: Wife beater, jeans, doc marten's.

3 of your favorite bands/artists (subject to change at any time): Hal Ketchum, Linkin Park, Kelly Clarkson

3 of your favorite songs at present: Over and Over, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months: bondage, cooking a cake with real fudge as frosting, successfully propositioning a guy for sex (in person)

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given): sex, honesty, freedom

2 truths and a lie:
My best friend from high school is bisexual.
My taste in men has morphed to prefer men who look like my husband.
I've had an STD.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal: shoulders, lips, and hands.

3 things you just can't do: kill animals, stop eating meat, give up sex.

3 of your favorite hobbies: Sex, crocheting, refinishing furniture.

3 things you want to do really badly right now: Have sex, sleep, get a massage.

3 careers you're considering (or have considered): Forestry, photographer, whore.

3 places you want to go on vacation: Tahiti, Scotland, Jamaica

3 kids names (either boy or girl): Griffon, Grey, Samuel

3 things you want to do before you die: Threesome, swim naked, feel successful.

3 people who have to take this quiz now: Whomever wants to, whomever is bored, whomever likes these sorts of things.

Ah, FINALLY.

EB gave me a buzz and told me he was available for play. I put him off for a bit and came very close to saying no until a blog reader/writer/chat friend told me to get off my fucking ass and go see him. Yessir.

The thing with EB is that he's a super cool guy. He's not hot (but then neither am I) and there's not a ton of chemistry between us but I really really really like him. Like, he's the sort of guy I'd pay money to have as a friend. However, we tend to keep things super casual between us so as not to cross and boundries or make things weird. Sex with him has boardered on disappointing but tends to improve dramatically at times.

Tonight was one of those semi-disappointing nights. I loved kissing him. I loved feeling his hands on my body. I loved feeling him over me. I was wet. Wetter than I've been in a few months. And yet.... I fought hard to cum. He came shortly afterward and then we hopped in the shower to wash ourselves. Then away we went.

I left him being glad to know him. Being glad that although the sex isn't stunning that it's always pleasant. Being in his company is a pleasure.

I couldn't live on a diet of that kind of sex. But it's a nice thing to have now and again.

And it's nice to have finally had sex again since freakin' November.

Want.

I'm watching Sex and the City. Lots of it. On Demand rules.

What I'm realising more and more is that I love sex. But I also like being treated like a person. Thus, I tend to find myself most attracted to men who can be sexy without being crass. I think it's a tough line for most to find. I certainly have a problem with it. I think I tend to either sound completely not at all sexy... or completely crass. Although I can't say for sure.

The other day in Nashville I got to talking with one of the vendors. I was checking out the merchandise he was representing and he walked up behind me and told me "don't touch it!" I glanced over at him and back at the items in question. "What if I do," I asked. "I'd have to spank you," he told me. Of course, what with the way I am... I glanced back at him under my lashes with a shy smile, "really?" I'm sure he must have been momentarily flustered before he said, "Yes." I smiled a little broader, considering reaching for one of the items when he told me "let me see your hand." I held it out to him, curious as he took it and slapped the back of it gently. "Don't make me do it again." I laughed openly and wandered to my seat to wait for class to begin.

Later, we ran into each other again. It was less successfully flirtatious.

Maybe I'll share the rest later. Or not.

However, I couldn't help but be proud of myself for managing to flirt. And not lose my cool.

Boooring.

My last night in Nashville was complete CRAP. I discovered that nothing in downtown nashville stays open past 8pm except a few of the touristy restraunts which didn't appeal to me. I only discovered this after walking for about an hour and a half along the busiest street I could find. I finally gave up and headed back to the hotel bar/deli only to walk up the counter maybe 2 minutes after it closed. Nice.

So then I was tired, hungry, and pissed off so I stomped up to my hotel room and ended up ordering room service and staying in the rest of the night. Not good company.

Today I ended up in the class of one super hot guy and one reasonably hot guy which lead to me becoming exceptionally hot and bothered. Actually, I think the hot guy caused me to find the other guy reasonably hot, even though in retrospect I wouldn't have looked at the second guy twice. I had the HARDEST time concentrating and there's not question my lips were swollen and my face a little red by the time I left the hot guy's class.

Anyway, the convention itself was great. The non-convention time SUCKED.

I do agree with my three commenters that coming onto a guy so directly would probably be almost a guaranteed success. However... I'm only slowly coming about to being able to even openly flirt with a guy... and have him flirt back without completely freaking out. I mean, I still get flustered but not so much.

I'll get it, though. And when I do... boy oh boy....

Yo.

No clue if this will work so I don't want to bother typing very long. I'm playing with the webtv (or whatever they call it now) system in the hotel since I have no lap top. For sure, I can't answer e-mail. I can write it but I can't respond. That's fun. So I apologize for ignoring anyone.

Nashville has been fun-ish. I'm not sleeping well, but I'm feeling less tired than one might expect.

So far I haven't found anyone to sleep with. No surprise since it hasn't realy been my intent. That time of the month and all. However, the hotel is FILLED with middle aged (and vaguely younger) white men. Within that demographic I'm SURE I could find someone to play with if I really wanted. And I kind of want.

While we were walking around last night I checked out the hotel bar. The vast majority of the people there were men. Like, all but 3. Good pickings. Unlikely that I'd be that forward but I likely wouldn't turn down an invite.
I did end up flirting with one guy who's not REALLY my type but I'm horny and I'm not sure I care. I think he was trying to casually follow me around the area for a while (not in a creepy way). So, I suppose he'd be the most likely candidate. But.. eh.

I am really fucking horny though. Damn. Why am I such a fucking coward?

Speaking of Dressing Rooms

Ken of http://www.kenandariel.com/ posted about a dressing room incident.

I didn't have one of those.

However, as I was shopping around a particular ladies-only clothing store I overheard a guy talking to one of the sales ladies. I missed the vast majority of the conversation but it was reasonably clear that he was there alone. And was asking how far away some store was. About 20 minutes was the answer. I didn't think anything of it, really, except to wonder what store he was going to.

I continued my shopping which involved a lot of trying to decide if the clothing was "work casual" enough for my convention while remaining rugged enough for my often very dirty, very physical job. No point in spending money on clothes I wouldn't have a use for, afterall.

He walked past and turned around. I ignored him, staring at the brown and pink stripped shirt before me. "You know, that pink shirt would go great with those black pants." I glanced up at him, clearly gesturing to a shirt unrelated to the one I was considering. Trying to decide how to respond I finally said "ah, black I know. Black I can handle. It's the brown pants I'm having trouble with. And I don't like pink!" I tried to sound friendly. I must have failed. I stood before me a moment longer before walking away.

He was kind of cute. But it was weird, having him approach me in a clothing store. Actually, it was just weird being approached in the first place. The rest only added to the weirdness of it.

I later told husband I should have said something flirtatious. ANYTHING.

Damn.

Dammit.

Unsurprisingly I've been fairly sick all day. Medication pretty much nullified the effects but the fact that I drank a venti starbucks latte and then an hour later passed out for two hours ought to give you a clue how worn out I remain.

Yesterday I sent my friend EB the warning that I almost definately wouldn't be able to come have kinky sex with him. He sent me back a message letting me know that circumstances had changed and he wouldn't be able to see me anyway. Which is ALWAYS the case. So, apparently it worked out just like I expected. No sex. Nothing. Great.

Monday I'll be heading out for a trip to Nashville which puts me out of commission around here for four days. I'll try to think of something sexy to say tomorrow because I don't think you'll get any out of me tonight. Bleh.

Sick AGAIN

I slept a good 24-30 hours between yesterday and today. Give or take for the very few hours I managed to be awake.

I was so sick I couldn't even stand to sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time. It was baaaad.

Today, major sinus headache on half my head. And I have to go to work.

Kinky sex plans for tomorrow? Not looking good.

Potential.

Yeah, basically the idea with husband is to just throw up my hands and wait for him to come to me. Or not. Whatever. I can get it elsewhere.

Knowing that I've got one of my previous lovers (who has his own complications which keep him and I apart) on the line for Saturday. Bingo! I choose not to get TOO into our relationship or why I continue to see him as I'm deathly afraid he'll come across my blog and not like to hear about it. Or the failings (and pleasures) of our relationship.

However.

Should things be as interesting as I'm hoping... there will definately be some kind of play by play....

Last Night

I had a dream this morning about my husband being involved in a rather shady community. By the end of it we were at a pool party and I overheard someone on the phone admitting they were only there as a lookout for a rival group who was coming to kill us all.

Husband and I escaped into a bathroom and were trying to make our way out when my alarm went off. The most memorable thing was that husband was naked had a very large penis and it caught my attention mid-escape. Yes, I have my priorities straight.

Last night I asked husband "seriously, I want to know... should I stop asking you for sex?" He was quiet for a few moments before saying, "well, yeah.. randomly anyway." I nod, and leave it at that. We went to bed and I started making out with him rather passionately. He at least didn't try to escape but finally said "you know, if we hadn't both taken nyquil-" at which point I covered his mouth with mine to get him to shut the fuck up. When he went to speak again I once again shushed him with my mouth before finally letting him go so we could sleep.

Obviously, the SOLE reason I put my tongue in husband's mouth is to get him to fuck me. Oh, wait. No it's not. So let's ruin the moment by talking about it. Jackass.

Actually, I'm not nearly that bitter. Jackass is a term of endearment. Derisive, surely. But a term of endearment none the less.

Circle Of Blogs

I've been reading a certain number of blogs for a while. Most of them link to one another and myself to them which forms this very closely related web of bloggers who read one another. For a while there I was thinking that the web was getting a little too tightly knit and surely there must be more than 20-or-so bloggers that I see linked a lot. And then I get linked to by complete strangers who's blogs I've never read or even heard of (of course the last week or so I haven't really been checking around so I guess no one to blame but myself).

Anyway, I have to give another shout out to http://baddecisions.blogspot.com/ whom I've never heard of, but I see he's linked to a number of other blogs I've never heard of either. Ah HA! Bingo! We have a new web of folks to check out. Yay!

Now I just need to start exploring them!

So Tired

I'm so tired of feeling sick (maybe I'm finally feeling better?!?). I'm so tired of being on the pill. It's killing my sex drive (if you can imagine) and making me irritable.

I told husband about my dream... the one I wrote here. And ended it with "that's the story of my LIFE." He doesn't give a shit. I've all but decided not to even bother TRYING to have sex with him anymore. It's clear he's happy by himself that way and frankly, I've got other places to find it. Luckily, being on the pill is killing just enough of my sex drive to make me not even feel like going out and looking for it. I still want it... but not enough to try.

And when presented with the option... I don't really feel like putting forth the effort to actually get to whatever location sex may be found.

I hate myself like this.

A dream.

I've been rather sick. That pit of my stomach sick feeling has lead me to not wanting sex pretty much at all. I just want to stop being sick.

Last night I had a dream. The lead character in it (besides myself) was someone who looked a heck of a lot like the blogger Twisted Monk but acted a fucking lot like husband, only somewhat worse. It was all very odd. I was living in Seattle in the dream and the guy I was with was a beer importer. The store was the same place I work at... except different since there's no beer where *I* work.

He was fresh back from a trip, unloading beer from his 1.5 ton truck in the dark behind the store. I kissed him heartily upon his return, "where'd you go?!?" I asked him, interested and crazy with lust for him. He grunted in reply, saying nothing. I kissed him more, my tongue slipping past his lips, bodies pressed close. I could feel my pussy aching for him, my ENTIRE BODY aching to be touched, squeezed, caressed... anything. He kissed me back, I could feel that he wanted me, too. I unbuttoned my jeans, letting them slide down my hips just a little, eyes quickly scanning the area for unsuspecting passersby. His hand slid down to my ass, smacking it twice teasingly before he pulled away, reaching for anther flat of beer bottles.

I fix my clothes. "Where'd you go this time?" I ask again.

"Chicago," he tells me.

"Ah, that sounds like fun, never really been there." I excuse myself before I sound like I'm begging him to take me with him next time. I don't want to go. I just want to fuck.

Inside the store we run into each other again. This time he's done, ready to go. The place is well lit. I once again press myself against him, my body still hot from desire. I kiss him, licking his ear. He barely responds. I whisper sing to him "how sweet it is to be loved by you..." but even as I sing the words to him I realise we're not in love. He doesn't love me. I don't love him. I want to eat my words, give them a more sexual meaning, but I continue to kiss him instead.

One of my coworkers walks in, "hey, you ready to go?" I pull away. My lover looks at me "let's go... it's not like this was working right now anyway." I stare at him, my pussy wet and throbbing my nipples aching... it wasn't working? I go inside and restock the fridge with coke cans, angry.

He comes up behind me, "let's go home." I frown at the cans, horny, knowing I'll remain as such until I take care of myself.

Then I wake up.

My first thoughts are of wanting DJ.

Purity Test

I'm terribly disappointed with the results. So, I'm going to bed.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	43.3% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	65.1%
Shamelessness	50% It takes a couple of drinks	79.3%
Sex Drive	71.1% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	5.4% Knows the other body type like a map	44.6%
Gayness	100%	83.8%
Fucking Sick	83.2% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 59.85% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Speaking of Purity

I fully admit I get a little thrill everytime I realise that I've become less pure on the purity tests.

That alone is a reason for me to consider the joys of women.

Can I get a wha' wha'?

I'd like to send a shout out to Kathy of http://kathysaffair.blogspot.com/ for linking to me (and I notice a lot of other people, but most importantly she linked to ME). I've never seen her blog before and haven't read a single entry yet but she's been added to my browser's favorites list to check out before I add her to the list of blogs I read regularly.

Also:

Rope.

Obviously I've been thinking a lot about rope. Just thinking, really.

Yesterday a guy came into my work and asked if we sold rope. I stared at him, momentarily surprised and speechless. Let's go back a bit and say this is a fine young K9 unit police officer. If there's a faster way to my heart I don't know it. And he's super duper cute. And sexy. And he flirts!

So when he asked me if we sold rope all I could think about was kink. And him. And me.

Eventually I was able to open my mouth and answer him... but only just.

That'd be my story from yesterday.

Sporadic

Please forgive the increasingly sporadic quality of my post as I've become mysteriously ill since just before Christmas. It's all the hallmarks of being pregnant... without actually BEING pregnant according to the tests. The doctor gave me a blood pregnancy test yesterday but the likelihood is very small. It would almost be a blessing if I WAS because at least my mysterious illness would be explained.

On the other hand being pregnant would be a REAL problem and would therefore be it's own catastrophy.

So basically I'm somewhat miserable. And I've been given one of those medications where my choice is feel sick... or I can take the medication and pass out. I hate being in a situation where those are my two choices. It's like how allergy medications used to work (you know.. like benedryl)... sneeze a lot... or take the pill and pass out.

Anyway. I do have a short story to relate later... but it's not all that interesting so don't get excited.

Rope

Last night I was wrapping a package for my sister. As I worked to tie the twine I was (artistically) using as ribbon around her package I told my husband "you know, if I were into bondage and knew things about tying rope I'd totally wrap my gifts and then bind them up using those skills." Which is probably totally tacky and show-off-y in the sm world but I think that sort of thing LOOKS cool so... fuck it.

This got me to thinking so I went online and looked up a basic japanese body harnass-y thing and trussed up the next package just like that.

I gazed longingly at husband "can I try it on you?!?"

"NO," he said, with finality.

I frowned and went back to wrapping presents. My obediant and submissive dog walked up. It was his doom.

I went about fashioning him the same harnass out of yarn. He wasn't terribly happy to have the yarn winding about his body... but it wasn't hurting him either. Finished I admired my handywork as the dog stared at me looking none too pleased. He looked a rather lot like a sled dog in a pulling harnass. Finally, I removed it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't sexualize my dog. I just wanted to see what it would look like.

I turned back to husband. "That's cool. Now can I do you?"

"NO!"

I gazed at him, hurt. "Why not?" It's not like it's a restrictive thing. No movement is impeded. It's not like I was tying him up. Fuck, he ought to be INTO the idea of being tied up and helpless since he never really wants to do the work of having sex anyway. Not that I do, either, sometimes.

His mouth was a thin line as he went back to playing his game.

I continued to stare at him. "Are you trying to keep me from growing?" I asked.

He glanced at me, "FINE, after you shave my head tomorrow you can tie me up, maybe."

Ah, guilt. It's always fun to have such a willing subject.

Anyway, it's not even a sexual thing. I just want to try a new skill (simplistic though it may be) and see what it looks like on.. and in person.

Spencer's

Wandering around the mall I convinced husband we needed to at least visit the Spencer's. As we wandered through the all too small store, I stopped to gaze longingly at the fun little sex section. I fingered all the flavored lubes and massage oils and inevitably found myself drawn to the $14.99 purple rubber flogger that was hanging on the end cap. I immediately turned to husband and whipped his arm with it.

Nothing.

I tried again. Nothing.

I tried again.

"That kind of stings."

"Okay, do me."

He whipped my arm.

Nothing.

"Harder!"

Nothing.

"Harder!"

Nothing.

"HARDER! Are you afraid you're going to HURT me?!?"

A minor sting.

"I think I want that."

"You can get it."

"You probably won't use it on me."

"Maybe."

We walked out of the store to the car.

"You can get it next time if you really want it."

"I think I do. You know... if only to hang on the wall. But are you afraid you're going to bruise me or something?"

"Who could tell? You're one big bruise ANYWAY."

"True."

Another Q&A

AKA No Original Thoughts


Q. I understand your desire for him NOT to be with someone else if he is not sleeping with you...that would make no sense at all. Have you two tried a threesome? Is that something that would interest either one of you?

A. We've never tried a threesome and near as I can tell husband is totally down with the idea of sleeping with another woman and myself... which really doesn't hold much interest for me. I mean, I could probably be there for him and pleasure him as always with her doing the same... but the idea of being with another woman makes me want to sigh heavily and find somewhere else to be more often than not. And, as I covered husband probably wouldn't be able to function with another man around. I just asked him in all seriousness (with the caveat what I wasn't really suggesting it... just trying to answer a question more fully) if he thought he could handle a MFM threesome to which he replied "yeah, probably." I quizzed him further and got, "well, probably not." And went further to ask "what about with your friend?" (the one I've mentioned here lately) and got "probably... but then I wouldn't really be paying much attention to him." So, goes to show it'd have to be someone he's *really* comfortable with.

Q. "unconcerned shrug" and "mostly disinterested" aren't very exciting corner stones to build any kind of sex life! Doesn't sound like a typical mid-twentysomething male. He better get his dick checked or something

A. He's 30, about to be 31. Of course, this is not an excuse as the vast majority of my lovers are closer to mid-30's and they manage just fine. However, there really isn't anything wrong with his functioning (off hand I can't think of a time he was unable to get it up spontaneously or when I wasn't able to take matters into my own hands with success). He masturbates at least once a day most days. I don't begrudge him that and don't think it really correlates to our lack of sex. It's all mental, baby.

Q. Rod makes me wonder, and please forgive my asking, but is there4 any chance your husband is gay and just not at terms with it?I've also read about a growing "asexuality" classification of people lately, which for me is really disturbing.I wish I knew the answer...then we'd both be getting more from our respective spouses alongside the extras.

A. I've been bugging my husband for years about being gay. Except that he's not. I'm a porn hound and own more than a couple of gay porn movies. Husband knows I absolutely adore hot gay action. He knows I'd think it was really hot if he WERE bisexual or even outright gay even if I never ever got to watch and only got to hear the stories. However, he's never ever in the entire time we've been together expressed any sort of a real interest in another man (except some huge strong man on TV... but the dude was amazing and I'm not really sure he meant it). His porn collection on his computer is exclusively straight (I've checked in my search for something new to masturbate to). I just admitted to him that I used his computer once for that purpose and he said "oh." So I told him "I didn't find anything weird. Should I have?!?" He responded "Umm. No." I stared at him a long moment and he asked, "were you hoping I'd say 'yes!' and 'here it is!' because I don't." The only thing I find that I find worrysome is his penchant for those barely legal girls. Which lead to a running joke when I was in my early twenties that it was time for him to trade me in for a younger model. Anyway, he told me spontaneously that he has never used MY computer for the purpose of checking my hard drive for porn because "I don't think I'd like yours."

An Answer

I was asked if my marriage is open for both of us or if I'm just a selfish slut. Okay, that's not really what I was asked. But it's a more amusing way of putting it.

Truth be told my marriage IS completely open. When my husband is quizzed as to why he lets me sleep around his answer is usually an unconcerned shrug and the answer "you'd let me." Which is definately true.

Husband HAS slept with another girl. Once. It wasn't that great for either of them based on the description. However, whenever I suggest he find himself another woman to sleep with he is mostly disinterested.

I know. I don't get it either.

Since we started this whole "open marriage" I have put a stipulation on him sleeping with other people. Namely, he's forbidden to get with someone else if he's not getting with me, too. I cannot express how hurt and angry I would be were he to start sleeping with someone else while letting our sex life continue to languish as it has. I've explained to him exactly my reasoning and he appeared to understand and accept it.

Merry Christmas

It was a nice Christmas. Had husband's friend over and I flirted with him a little. I did make it a point to go and take a two hour nap, though, so they'd at least have SOME time together without having me breathing down their necks.

So we made a late breakfast and I made an early dinner and we were WELL fed. It was good.

After husband's friend left I crawled on top of husband and kissed him. I probably could have gone further at that moment but was terribly concerned he'd think it had something to do with his friend. Which it would've. But I'd hate for him to think I'm THAT attracted to his friend. It might be awkward.

However, I soon came to regret it as several hours later I asked husband for sex (for Christmas) and got something of a less than luke warm response. *sigh*

The ex sent me an IM wishing me a Merry Christmas. I definately have my sights set back on him. Unless he decides he really likes his girlfriend again which would be very annoying. But not surprising.

Q&A

Q. I'm wondering where this change of heart came in about Li all of a sudden?

A. The change has been very gradual. And will probably flip back and forth for a while. It may never settle which should be SO boring to read that you'll just gag and leave. Of late, Li has demonstrated an attitude of superiority and (as I mentioned earlier) the inability to do wrong. That is NOT sexy. At ALL.

I called him on the fact that I was tired of hearing it and the next time I told him "hey, this is broken" he should just fucking fix it instead of telling me how someone must have broken it because he never ever would have put it out like that and blah blah blah because I really don't fucking CARE what he would or wouldn't have done so long as the fucker gets fixed. Which is absolutely bullshit. I've CAUGHT him putting shit out and he still denies it and latches onto the lies my manager tells everyone rather than admitting that maybe he made a mistake.

The other day when I realized it was late and that I had failed to double check that his company was sending him, I called him to ask but ended up leaving a message. I get a long winded message about how he doesn't get in the middle of the scheduling stuff and he's been told he's going elsewhere and if I have a scheduling problem or question I should call the company and here's the number and there's nothing he can do about it. Blah blah blah. The question was "will you be in tomorrow" the answer was "no" but I get this long winded "you're stupid for even asking me" speech. Well, thanks a fucking lot. So I left him a message back basically saying "dude, I asked a question. I did what I was supposed to do up until forgetting to confirm TODAY because god knows I'm not perfect. I only asked so we could stop telling customers that you'd be there when apparently you WON'T. That's ALL."

Meanwhile, the other day he made two other comments about me not knowing him at all and how he didn't feel like talking to ME about something. Well, fuck you, too dude. I've been trying and he says shit like that.

Granted, none of these things matter so much when one is in bed. However, I tend to find one's personality shows through when it comes to sex and it's not looking good for him. Shoot, if I don't even LIKE him how am I supposed to want to suck his dick?

Of course, he COULD just be this way about WORK. But I'm not so sure.

Oh, yeah. And telling me that he NEVER cries at work because if he cried some guy might hug him and then people would think he was a "faggot" didn't really endear him to me, either. It's not unheard of for me to sleep with people and disagree with their completely stupid views on gay folks but it feels a lot like sleeping with a Klan member. And, I don't feel the urge to give Klan members sex. And yeah, he COULD have meant the term "faggot" as an endearment... however, I'm having a hard time convincing myself.

Nooooo.

I had to call Li tonight for a work related thing. And I told him to call MY boss back instead of me. If he calls here I will SO totally NOT be looking forward to talking to him. At ALL. Wow. Well, I'd be okay with talking to him if he wouldn't get all serious and give me a talking to about the message I was passing on to him. *sigh*

Anyway. I'm cleaning the house so I don't have time to write anything terribly worthwhile.

Whiney.

Li annoyed me again today and I didn't even SEE him. Such a love/hate thing which is gradually becoming increasingly hate. So much for that, eh? And yet...

I'm going to get my tongue done. At this point I'm going through the same thing I went through when I got my nipples done. Trying to figure out whether I can handle the pain. I mean, theoretically of COURSE I can. I mean, god knows. I got my NIPPLES done for Christ sake. But the tongue thing... is there anything worse than dental pain? I mean, I know it's not really DENTAL pain... but... eek. So I'm being all wussy and skeevy and basically waiting until I'm really really ready. I'm sure I'll bring it up as a possibility a few more times before I'm absolutely sold on getting it done and then DOING it. The later is the hard part.

There was something else I felt like mentioning. Put a lot of thought into it. Apparently I put too much thought into it and don't have any thought left at all.

That sucks.

I'm thinking if the ex is still interested in sex next time I run into him I'll be running over there like a dog in heat. I need SOMETHING to distract me from my frustration with Li and put me back into some kind of a good mood. They say you can never go back but I'm willing to make the effort. Husband says I should try to get the ex out of my system. I'm not sure that's the way to do it but... hey... I'll make the effort.

Tongue

Let my blog be ALL about Li, okay? Because I'm like... obsessed.

Actually, we were talking about piercings. I was relating the story of my jewelry being changed by the piercer. I can't remember if I wrote this ever-so-brief story. I might write about it later if I didn't. Anyway.

I was telling Li that I was definately getting my tongue done soon. Of course this is VERY MUCH an invitation for him to put his dick in my mouth. I mean, DUH. From what I can tell it's an experience he's never had (either putting his dick in my mouth or putting his dick in the mouth of a pierced tongued girl) and I'm more than happy to provide those experiences to him. Simultaneously if neccessary.

Anyway he mentioned that he once knew a girl who'd had her tongue pierced further back than normal. Because it was more useful.

Now, I could have stood before him considering the implications of this and trying desperately to think of how having the piercing further back would be more sexually stimulating to a guy. I mean, I momentarily questioned this and then decided rather than standing there looking like an idiot or physically pantomiming in an effort to make sure this would make sense I nodded and said something like "ah, must have been off center, then." And left it at that.

However, I felt the need to consider this. Pantomiming in private being less than thrilling. And not very revealing. I told husband "go wash your penis. I want to try something." Knowing I only want him to wash when I'm about to go down he rushed off to do that. Of course, he refused me sex yesterday AND today already... but a BJ? Oh, yeah. He's there.

So I practiced it on him and realised that when I get my tongue pierced he's NOT going to like it very much. The places that the piercing will hit will be places he doesn't particularly LIKE being hit. And getting it done further back (were that an option) would only exacerbate the problem.

Not to mention my often spectacular gag reflex.

So, they shall have to pierce me as they see fit. And I'll just have to deal with the consequences later.

Talked to my boss today. Apparently she's unhappily married. But getting out of it in a civilized manner. Basically she seemed fairly resolute but not rushing. A mutual decision. Apparently he's cheated on her a number of times.

I stared at her. "But... you encourage me to cheat with Li!" She smiled a little, "yeah, but I don't think he'd really do it."

Damn. She might not be wrong.

But maybe....

I wonder what the ex is up to. I'm thinking I want some of that again. NSA.

My day.

I spent the day flirting with Li. Instead of looking forward to his being there with much anticipation I rather didn't give a shit. He pissed me off a lot. So, I went to work and while I made sure everything was set up for him, I made it a point to avoid him as much as possible.

He apparently doesn't care to be ignored.

So, after ignoring him for a while I flirted a little. And he flirted back. And we ended up flirting a hell of a lot. And I was tempted to ask him to fuck the hell out of me. But instead bit my tongue because he supposed to let me know when he's single again. And hasn't yet. But it sure is fun to flirt.

I suppose I could STILL ask him to fuck me. Flirtingly.

Anyway. It seems to work best when I don't get all excited about him coming. Because when he ignores ME... I get really upset. And it just goes downhill.

And I bitched him out for his last message which ended up "make sure there's space for me and pull the product" and I was like "fucker!" And deleted the message.

Anyway. We're on good terms. I just gotta calm my ass down.

Meanwhile, the ex is inviting me for sex again. *sigh* So tempting.

Distracted

I drove past the complex of a potential lover. Someone I haven't talked to in weeks but whom still entices me. As I sat at the light waiting for the light to change, husband sitting quietly next to me I found myself lost in the fantasy of snuggling up to the other guy, our lips finding one another's.....

I noticed the cars around me moving. I missed the light change. Only by a second or two.

Is it bad when one's sexual fantasies distract from driving?

And I still haven't had sex with husband since the last time I wrote about it. And the last time I wrote about it was... ummm.

Yeah, I don't remember either.

Tears on my pillow...

I had a friend die yesterday. It's been a long time coming, although it was still somewhat unexpected the down turn she took. Thus my recent depression.

Anyway. what is it about death that just makes sex seem so much more enticing?

Probably just need to be held. Really, really close. You know... on the inside.

Quick Entry

I spent the better part of tonight with Husband and his friend Jay. I kind of dig Jay and he occasionally digs me, too. We're not likely to sleep together. Well, yeah... just not likely.

Except I find myself wanting to try to seduce him. And being really unsure HOW. Because he MIGHT go along with it. Or he might not. And if he didn't... that could be awkward since he's Husband's closest friend right now. Best not to really even consider it, seeing as he IS Husband's closest friend.

Anyway, the point was, as I was laying there on the couch with my head on husband's lap I was thinking how much of a turn on it would be to suck Husband's cock while Jay watched... then came over to take care of me. Or get sucked. Or whatever. I just see the possibility of a really hot threesome there. Except Husband is not the kind of guy to be into that sort of thing.

The point is more that I've found someone I'd be really comfortable having that sort of experience with and that's pretty cool. Not to say I will... but it's good to know that there, in fact, ARE people like that in the world. And at some point I might come across the right circumstances with two of the right guys and that'd be super hot.

Off to bed.

How to build a better day.

I decided I needed a pick me up for the evening. I talked at husband for a while. That helped.

Then I went to the not-so-local piercing palace and bought some new nipple jewelry. The entirely too hot piercer didn't even OFFER to see my breasts... he DEMANDED. It was GREAT. I mean, you know, basically he acted like it was expected that he would change my jewelry for me. Yeehaw.

So, I bared the girls for him and he helped figure out exactly which barbells I'd need and popped them in for me. It involved a touch of pinching pain. Lesson here... it's much less painful if I do it myself. But far less fun.

I questioned him a bit on tongue piercing, as I'm getting ready for that next. Basically, wanting to know about the healing period and how long until I could change the jewelry.

Having paid the guy to play with my nipples (actually, I only paid for the jewelry not the fondling), I headed home.

Once home I took the dogs out for a walk to loosen the old nerves and now I feel much much better.

Lastly will be some kind of late evening meal in front of the last two episodes of Sex and the City that are On Demand.

Oh, and I told husband he was absolutely going to have to give it up... and soon... because girlfriend (me) is getting irritated about her lack of attention. He told me maybe he'd give it to me tomorrow before we visit his friend (who's seen my nipple jewelry and whom I wouldn't mind fucking) in an effort to keep me from being QUITE so slutty. But of course, he doesn't really care HOW slutty I am. And having sex before going over there is only likely to make me want to have MORE sex. But I didn't mention that part.

Gotta let the guy have his dreams.

NOT sexy

Today was NOT a sexy day for me. I cried in front of Li AGAIN. Why oh why must I be such a big cry baby? We ended up having a bit of a fight when I just got tired of hearing him make these excuses that he always makes (work related). Irritating as shit.

Anyway, I said something not very nice and had to go back and apologize and by the end of the day everything was okay but he was all worried about me. *sigh*

On the positive side I'll have an excuse to give him a call either tonight or tomorrow. You know, to let him know that I'm okay.

However, I'm getting a really irritated feeling that nothing's going to come of all this. Or that by the time something has the potential of coming of it I'll be bored and not turned on by him at all.

Fuck.

I'm so frustrated.

Da Butt

I've been watching the first season of Sex in the City. Either the show is much more riveting when watching from the beginning or the first season is much better than the rest of the shows. Whatever the case, I've been watching a lot of it.

Last night as I was getting ready to write my entry and checking my notes I saw that I had a couple new comments. on my anal entry. I checked it and giggled. I turned to my husband and explained that he should NOT get excited but that I had written an entry on anal sex and how I was considering doing it again. He raised his hand and waved at me, grin on his face.

I laughed my ass off as I explained to him that a particular guy whom I'd had sex with had written exactly what he was doing. But that, basically, NEITHER of them were in the running because... well... I said LESS well endowed. Which is to say NOT as large as either of THEM.

I can only think of a couple of guys I've slept with who fall into that catagory and should either of them read this or the other entry either before or after I offered them da butt they might be really offended.

Meanwhile, I told husband "But I don't WANT to be the up the butt girl!" Which is a total Sex in the City reference.

Except maybe I do just once this year....

Mmm. Yum.

Today was a day that was.

I was really grumpy.

I saw Ving. I was kind of bitchy. I felt bad for being bitchy with him. It wasn't his fault. I should have apologized but never got the chance.

However, EARLIER in the evening I was talking to Ving. Flirting with him. Someone was standing in my way, talking to him. I interupted. I stepped in front of him and put my arm around him. He responded in kind, his hand finding the small of my back. He rubbed there lightly. I shivered with desire. I felt my body responding. I wanted his hand to move, to explore. I wanted it to stay exactly where it was, rubbing. I wanted to feel him pressed against me. I didn't want to move an inch. Well. Yes, I did.

Instead I broke contact before my face gave away what exactly he was doing to me.

I was tempted to tell him to never ever ever tease me like that again.

Except I really really like it.

Dream

I had a dream about Li this morning. It was a very loooong dream as dreams go and I woke up during it twice.

In the dream Li, Husband, and I went to a movie together. Li, seeing husband and I together, was being moody. He started drinking. The movie ended and Husband kind of disappeared. Li, meanwhile, was completely smashed at this point. He assured me that he was more than capable of driving home since he wasn't THAT drunk. We talked a bit and I flirted with him quite a bit, before finally telling him "clearly you're in no condition to drive. Come home with me."

And he did.

Except by the time we were home he was much more sober and was explaining to me at length something less than sexy. I can't remember exactly what it was but I was rather upset that I wasn't going to be able to get into his pants because he was sobering up so much. He kept talking and I kept thinking that I really desperately wanted this man. It was all I could do to NOT jump him right then and there, protests be damned.

When I woke up I was wet.

How come my dreams are so much like my reality? I just ain't gettin' none from that man.

More phone!

My newest hit counter hit 666 today. I was noticing it this morning thinking it would and how sad I would be to miss it. Except I didn't. I loaded my page and there it was, waiting for me. Awwww. It's since changed. But it was a beautiful thing. The benefit of "not many readers." Not that I'm complaining anyway because it might freak me out to have TOO many people reading.

Anyway, I found a work-related excuse to call Li today. Twice. He didn't answer. Finally (and oddly) as I was on the phone with someone else from work (who was sitting in her car behind me) he called me back. I think he'd called me back before then but my phone gets no reception inside the building I work in. Since I was in the middle of a convo I didn't take the call. However, I ended it very quickly and called him back. We talked for just a couple of minutes.

I do tend to read things into conversations. Perhaps over think things too much. But as he explained to me that he was making "sauce from scratch" I was once again reminded that he most likely thinks I'm looking for a second (replacement) husband rather than someone I can adore and fuck. I mean, seriously "from scratch"? C'mon. Yeah, I was impressed and a little turned on... but the chances of him ever cooking for me? Well, actually, I can see that happening. But let's just pretend for the sake of the story that I don't. The cooking thing is SO domestic and relationship-y.

After the conversation I went back to work and was all smiles and happy. My co-worker looked at me and told me "the trip to get food couldn't have been THAT good... and you certainly didn't get laid in the last 15 minutes... what's up?!?" But I just smiled. Li is such a private person and she absolutely wouldn't understand me wanting to desperately to fuck someone who isn't Husband. So, it's for the best that I keep it to myself.

I texted Li a bit ago telling him that I was pathetically happy after our phone call and that I must surely be about 12 years old. And goodnight.

I should be stopped. Quickly.

It doesn't help that my boss is very much aware of what's TRYING to go on with Li and I and when she mentions it she tells me "you work slow." Which is to say she definately thinks I should be fucking him by now. She's not wrong. Damn.

Except I'd prefer she think that I'm not working on him at ALL.

But that I actually was fucking him by now.

Damn.

Phone

Yesterday Li called me. About work. He left a message since I wasn't anywhere near the phone to hear it when he called. I stared blankly at the phone afterward. Did he really just use my cell # for THAT? Fucker.

I composed a text message back. Then changed my mind. I added his name and number to my phone's memory. Yay.

I considered going in to see him. I changed my mind. Finally, I HAD to go to work to find out my schedule. I looked for his car but didn't see it. But upon entering I could hear his music. He was there alright.

I picked up the item I'd come in for, a mirror, and visited with him for a few minutes. He took the mirror and looked at himself. "I'm getting old," he told me. I looked at him... really looked at him. A few speckles of grey hair right in the front that I'd never noticed. I laughed at him and told him I had my first grey at 17. Although I've never found another since... I also dye my hair fairly regularly. "Is that why?" He asked. Alas, no. I just do it "because."

He touched me. He does that more, now. I don't feel the shock of excitement when he touches me. But I'm very aware of his touch. And of wanting more.

Late last night, my friend called me, too. I talked about Li (whom she's only seen once in passing) and about Ving (whom she knows well) and we giggled together. I felt like I was 14 talking about boys again. I told her, "I love men soooo much." She laughed and told me "I do, too. I just couldn't give them up!" (A reference to her bisexuality).

We giggled more. I hung up with visions of the men in our lives... naked and hard.

I came three times last night.

Pr0n that I'm watching as I type.

I don't watch porn for the bitches. (An affectionate term, I promise).

I rarely watch the porn for the men, either, since so few of the men are actually hot. Or even vaguely attractive to me. Eric Price being an exceptional exception.

Getting back to the subject, my porn finally arrived.

A couple of the scenes involve white women with black men.

Why are all the white women blonde? I'm not blonde. And it's seriously irritating. Sometimes it's okay to see a darker haired female with a black man, you know? I'm just saying.

It's too bad there isn't more of a market for hot asian guys, too. Mmm.

Drifting.

I got really turned on. I wanted to cum.

My mind drifted.

Being bent over the couch, held down, fucked hard. A few stinging slaps on my ass. "Slut, you like my cock fucking you hard, don't you, bitch?" Hands burying themselves in my hair forcing my head back, my body at a weird angle. Entirely devoted to squeezing every ounce of pleasure from the cock pounding away inside me.

I try to envision Li.

Too tender.

Husband's out.

One answer springs to mind. Someone who'd fuck me good and hard, forcing me to bend to him... all the while twisting himself around me.

Lies Lies Lies. Well. Lie.

In the note I just finished writing I wrote "Any sex is better than none at this point" and as soon as I posted it I thought "liar." In truth, I'm being rather picky about the sex I have. Especially right now, during a time of emotional upheaval (having nothing to do with any man at all).

There's a guy who's extremely close to me who has been throwing himself at me with abandon. We even ran into each other at my work, which was funny because as soon as I saw him there I thought "oh, I've seen him here before." However, he has a wife and kids and I don't really approve of the way he's trying to handle things with me. It's just a bad feeling. So, while I COULD be getting laid and he MIGHT be awesome in bed... I've declined a number of times. I'm debating the idea of sleeping with married men at ALL anymore. I mean, with an exception here or there, of course. But declining. It really sucks.

As did turning down DJ's request for a booty call the other day. Oh, that *really* sucked.

But let's just be honest. I still desire Li over all others. And he ain't giving it up. What's it with me finding men who want to play hard to get?!?

Last Pill.

Well, I just took the last pill for this cycle today. Which means my period shall arrive in the next few days. Oh, joy.

Then again, at least it's not as unpleasant as when I'm NOT in the pill. So maybe I won't bitch so much.

Not so much going on. I gave Li my number. He still hasn't called. I gave Ving my e-mail. He never e-mailed me. I gave weird Eric my e-mail... still nothing. I messaged CD to see what he's up to... and got no response. Basically... I'm feeling mightily ignored.

Husband isn't responding to my advances, either. Which is no real surprise. I'm finished making him feel bad for our lack of sex. I tend to push for it but brush it off when I get turned down. I'm not looking for him to think of me and of sex as annoying. So careful I am being. And no sex I am getting.

Damn.

Clearly I owe the man a BJ.

Just not tonight.

Ass!

I swore I'd never have anal again. My body clearly isn't made for it and much as I find it pleasurable there are just too many draw backs... especially after the fact.

But about once a year or so I just crave the fuck out of it. I want to try again.

But maybe this time with someone not so generously endowed....

Mourning.

I have a very ill friend. I spent the better part of yesterday and the day before in mourning for her near passing. Yesterday, Li was there. I tried to comfort me. Men are funny. It's that awkward back pat... repeatitively. Too fast. Too hard. Me, mentally: Calm the fuck down, dude!

I rested my head on his shoulder. I cried just a little. And then I realised I was pressed rather intimately against the guy who's body I want more than anyone else's right now. Oh. My. I'm grieving, remember? Oh, but he feels so.... STOP!

I moved away. Trying hard not to give away my response. Inappropriate moment.

I'm still stuck on the feel of his body. Softer than I thought. Less wall-like. Good. Warm. Too clothed.

But the awkward, too hard, too fast pat. Is that how he'll touch me? Hmm. I hate having to tell a guy to slow down.

Lap Dance

Well, the old barbell (my new toy I've mentioned a few times) is getting rave reviews from me. Sore and uncomfortable though I was from my extremely lengthy play time with it the other night I absolutely could NOT resist using it again last night for my orgasm. And it was a quick, great one. I have no complaints on that front. Why, I'm practically satisified with just that! Well, practically.

I was dressed in only my underwear when I approached my husband. I sat on his lap as he reclined and gave him something of a lap dance. His hands moved to my hips as I leaned back against his chest. "You know, I do these things to you that I don't do to ANYONE else and I swear you don't appreciate it." I tend to think if one of my other lovers were relaxed on the sofa with my mostly naked body rubbing suggestively over his it wouldn't be long until I had cock inside of me SOMEWHERE. Husband began caressing my hips and butt, saying nothing.

The attention felt good.

He was clearly disinterested in sex.

I left him alone.

I need to learn to be so slutty and demanding for my lovers. Without shame or embarassment. The sooner the better.

The new toy.

Last night was certainly eventful. And kind of sad. And entirely joyful.

Shortly after I got my new toy I threw it in some boiling water, cooled it off, and slipped it inside myself. Oh, yes. First off, I'm really not sure I "get" the exercises I'm supposed to be doing with it. I don't understand why it's weighted. Or why it's supposedly any better than any other dildo at helping me exercise my PC muscles.

However.

It's unique shape certainly is something to write home about.

I spent at least an hour having really incredibly atheletic sex... with myself. By the time I was done I was shaking a little... over heated ... sweating hard.... My entire body wanted to go limp. And today... I'm sore all over.

You see, I've never had an orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. This remains the case. But without question I was really fucking close. More than once. When I felt it I couldn't stop. I had to drive myself over the edge. I HAD to make myself cum this way. I concentrated. I tried concentrating on porn. On my breathing. Closing my eyes and concentrating on the sensation. I tried distracting myself by grabbing my breast, hard. Nothing. But it all felt SO fucking GOOD. How could I stop that pleasure?

Finally, I just HAD to cum. I couldn't wait anymore. Surprisingly, worn out and completely turned on as I was, the orgasm wasn't that great. I'm not complaining. I've had lots of better orgasms with my lovers, lately. But the overall experience was AWESOME.

Were it not for the fact that the inside of my pussy is still swollen and tender from the long night of masturbation I'd be doing it again. I woke up horny, arching my hips to the ghostly lovers of my dreams.

I need more.

Mentally Disabled.

Li was at work today. It was a rather uneventful day. Not much flirting (there were far too many people around to get "intimate"). It was disappointing at best.

However, toward the end of the day he gave me the phone number for his work so I could leave a message there asking for him to be sent back later during the week. No problem. I call. This was my message:

Hi this is (me) calling from (my work). I'd appreciate it if you'd please send (Li) back to us later on in the week. Please call me back tomorrow and let me know if he'll be available. I work from Nine to... wait... I work from one thirty to... no... one... shoot. I don't know what time I work. Okay, I work from one to close. So if you could please give me a call back our number is (numbers here). Thanks.

*sigh* I went and told Li about it before he heard about it from the person I left the message for.

While Li was giving me the work number I looked at it and said "you know that's NOT the number I want from you."

"Ask and ye shall receive" he told me.

Then he handed me the work number. The phone call above ensued. And about that time he left.

I was talking to my husband about this. And I suddenly said, "oh, shit. He was telling me if I asked him for his home number he'd give it to me, wasn't he?"

This is the mental capacity I'm fighting against on a daily basis. I'm clearly too stupid to get any.

The deleted entry.

Blogger certainly wanted nothing to do with me last night. Nor the entry I tried to post which it disappeared. Hmph.

Anyway, as I was trying to say last night...

Li will be at work today. Yay. Unfortunately, so will my boss for most of the day, which means I can't hang all over him all day. Maybe it's for the best. Much as I want me some of that I shouldn't probably HAVE any of it.

Saturday night I finally gave in and ordered a bunch more porn DVDs off the 'net. I'm rather tired of the crappy quality and length of the vids online so I say "fuck it" and buy my own. Quality control.

Husband explained to me that he's happy with the porn he downloads off the 'net. "Just use your p2p software and search for whatever porn you want... then download the big stuff. Works for me." Hmm. So, last night in desperate need of some stimulation I snuck over to his computer and borrowed the use of his porn. That worked. Nicely. Of course, I had to "put everything back" as it was. Almost made the mistake of leaving my lube next to his computer. That would have been a dead give away if anything ever was. Not that he'd have been super mad but he might have been a little. We pretty much don't mess around with one another's computers without a damned good reason.

Also last night I stared at husband for a while before telling him, "you know, sometimes I just want you to push me over the back of the couch and fuck me hard." I demonstrated, fully clothed. He came up behind me, carrying one of the dogs and planted him on my back, laughing. Ah, that's my darling husband. Takes me SO seriously.

Just how I like it. Now, can we pleeaaase have sex?

Mmm. Porn.

It occured to me that there was absolutely no way to broach the subject of Ving being the person who searched me up and checked out this site without putting the idea into his head were he not the person in question. Therefore, if you're the person in question please let me know that you're not him because that'd be very helpful. Otherwise... well... I still can't assume it's him. Damn.

I also discovered, though, that so long as he continues to treat me about the same as he has it doesn't really MATTER if he reads this. Which I think I knew before.

On a completely unrelated subject I went on a small buying spree and picked out a handful of porn movies and bought them online. I'm waiting impatiently for them to arrive. No question they won't be quality but at least they'll be longer than the majority of the clips I come across online. And I have a touch more control over the content. Now I have to wait for those, TOO. Damn. No clue when those'll arrive, alas.

I need some stimulation!

Well then.

I saw Ving today. I wonder if he would be (is?) offended by that nickname. He said he tried to e-mail me. It all bounced back. Of course it did. I messed up the damned address. So I gave him another. Not much flirting today. Some. He said a couple of very norty things to me. I considered telling him not to tease me as I can't take it. Except I can. I'm not even sure that if he were serious I'd WANT to sleep with him. It'd be weird. Him and I. Ah, well. Still fun to flirt.

I'm still hacking mercilously. I dream that some day I shall be hale and healthy again. And busily fucking anyone I can get my hands on because I want it a hell of a lot more often than I been getting it.

Still no toy. I guess I do have to wait until Monday. DAMMIT.

It's Saturnday

Let's see... what does this day have in store for me? Lots of work. Definately. Maybe I'll see Ving (ah, I remembered his nickname). Or maybe not. I often don't see him each week. Even if I do, though, we'll both be busy so I won't even get to talk to him. Which is fine because I'm vaguely offended that he never e-mailed me. Of course, I gave him the WRONG address so maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe. How hard is it to figure out that the major free-e-mail service's addresses end in .com instead of .net (like I wrote)? I shall try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Gotta stick to what I KNOW.

And what I know is that I have too many e-mail addresses if I can mess up that easily.

I'm also hopeful my new toy will show up today instead of Monday. It's in the city, now. So it just has to make it out here... can it do it on a Saturday?!? Do they deliver on Saturdays?!?

Am I impatient after having argued with myself for so long over whether to even buy the thing? Oh, yes!

New Toy

Thursday morning before I left for work I (on the spur of the moment) purchased this little baby. It's something that's caught my attention in the past and I finally said "fuck it, bring it on!"

Besides the obvious reason to buy which is merely for variety, I figured the increased PC strength wouldn't hurt either for myself or my lovers. Also, I was vaguely curious about glass and the heat/cold aspect of it. However, glass is so... breakable. Steel is an obvious substitute.

I bought the 2 day shipping but apparently I still have to wait until Monday. In fact, it took almost 12 hours for the thing to be marked as having left the California shipping facility. Damn. I'm so impatient.

On the positive side, Li will be in on Monday and I'll be getting the new toy the same day. It shall be hard pressed to BE a better day.

Booty Call

DJ called me last night. Only one reason for that.

Unfortunately, I'm really sick. It's one thing to have sex with Husband when I'm hacking so hard I'm puking. It's another to go to bed with someone I'm still hoping to impress.

There are not many times I've been more frustrated over being sick than I was last night.

And I'm doing only marginally better, now.

Being sick is NOT sexy.

Damn!

Someone looked me up on yahoo by my blogging name (OdalisqueK). Someone went through and read my archives. Damn. Probably someone I know.

I should be prepared to be utterly embarassed, right?

Honestly I try not not share EVERY little detail.

But tonight husband finally agreed to have sex with me after my assurances that I've been taking the pill like a good little trooper and am in no real danger of conception. This done, we set to work for a much needed quickie. "I'm not up to any atheletics" he told me, "after all I was planning to go to sleep." No problems there. I was definately feeling the need to get off. My human toy, he would be.

Within a minute or two I was THERE. On the verge or orgasm.. one... more... thurst... and he pulls out, stopping dead. My entire body froze for a moment... "wha-" and then... I burt into gales of laughter. "You did NOT just do that," I said, laughing my ass off. If only I could have seen his face in that moment because he was quiet for a moment before telling me, "what?!? I didn't know! There were no signs! I had a cramp!" I continued to laugh uproariously. Minutes tick by as I try to get myself under control. He's wilting.

Finally, I get myself back together, get back in position he slides inside and I start laughing my ass off AGAIN. I calm down. We try again. Laughter. I'm laughing so hard I'm coughing. Coughing so hard I'm gagging. Gagging so hard I'm almost... oops... running to the bathroom.

"Are you throwing up?" ....yeah....

I brush my teeth. I get control. I go back. He's soft. I work to get him hard again. He's semi. "I don't think I can get it harder than this," I tell him. "It's okay, once it's in it'll get harder." Thank god.

We position ourselves. In he goes. And laughter, AGAIN. He slips out. "I'm glad it's so entertaining. At least laughter is healing." I stop myself, he slides in. It's ALL I can do to concentrate on what he's doing... and not to laugh. I must stop associating the feeling of him sliding inside me with laughter. I'm in control. I feel myself getting close, "I'm going to cum soon!" I warn him, this time. 10.. 15 strokes later I cum. He wants to stop moving but I urge him on as the orgasm keeps rolling through me. YES. I'm done.

He stops moving, adjusting his leg. "I've never felt more like a gigalo. 'must stay in... my leg, my fucking leg hurts... gotta keep going... this is a tough one... shoulda been a doctor....' " I laugh again, freely. Satisfied. Then he tells me he's going to hit the shower. I go to turn on the A/C.

I return as he steps out of the shower, I help him masturbate to orgasm. And then he goes to sleep.

I'm outrageously happy. Sometimes the best sex is the most embarassing so long as it's between two people who've learned they have nothing to be embarassed about with the other.

I'm dumb.

Because it occurs to me that the e-mail address I gave the guy I was flirting with yesterday links rather directly with this blog. I mean, not directly directly but it wouldn't take a genious to figure it out. I'm clearly stupid. If he reads this and think I'm all serious about him I'm going to be so embarassed.

I write very dirty things and tend to take myself very seriously at times. I don't really take my flirtation with him seriously. Just somewhat more seriously now than I did before.

Now with Li... yeah, I take that really fucking seriously. But that's different. That's not just me flirting. I can't even explain that one adequately.

I'm still a slut, though.

Such a slut.

Apparently I have some sort of a problem involving an intense need for male attention. At least, I think it must certainly come off as a problem. It might BE a problem. I'll have to let you know later.

Regardless, there's this guy at work I flirt with whenever I have the chance. He's an employee who works in another area of the store. I can't remember if I already gave him a nickname and I'm awfully too lazy to go read my archives to see what I called him. He's this guy that I've lusted after BIG time for a long time, but recognise that he's not interested in me and therefore it's cool to flirt with him knowing that I won't ever get him. No pressure. So I can say whatever.

Yesterday he spent the day working around me and we spent the day flirting. It was funny because it gradually got more and more serious until, once again, I whipped out my boob for him. It was a conversation we had, you see. And he asked to see. Anyway, I'm all nervous now because I try really hard not to mix work with pleasure... but clearly I have no self control. I tried to make sure to do it away from the cameras and now I'm thinking maybe one of the cameras actually DID see it. Unlikely, but possible. So I'm vaguely freaked out. Furthermore, He's not the sort of guy to say anything about it but I definately gave him something he could get me fired over. Well, actually, I've been doing that for a while. So nevermind. The camera thing still worries me, though.

Anyway, he was smiling at me later on. Flirting more. It was nice. I gave him my e-mail address. Nothing yet. Probably won't get anything out of that.

He mentioned his modeling days. He once modeled underwear. I laughed and made a comment about watching something on TV where they had to adjust the sock for the photo. I thought for a second and said, "Nevermind, I don't want to know! Don't tell me!" "No problems there." He told me. "Don't need a sock." He smiled. I blushed. Hugely. And laughed my ass off.

I remain reasonably sure I'm not going to get any of that. He shouldn't have given me hope. Because I want some of that. I want a lot of that, actually.

Oh.

It occurs to me that I have absolutely nothing set up for... well... anything. With anyone. For a while there I had something to look forward to. Now... nothing. What a disappointment.

The excitement I feel toward Li's mutual interest is only going to take me so far. I mean, really. I have nothing set up with him EITHER.

*sigh*

Google Search

I'm not quite sure how "Paul Hamm preliminaries balls" as a search got to my blog. I'm not really sure why someone would be looking for Paul Hamm and balls... that's just odd. However, I decided to do the search myself, out of curiousity. The little "description" part of google said "better than sex, but how excited was I when Paul Hamm went from ... degenerated into him masturbating while I watched and played with his balls. ... No preliminaries. ... " Which sounds a heck of a lot more interesting than what I actually wrote seeing as those quotes from my blog were different entries. But it sure was funny to see. I was, in fact, NOT writing about Paul Hamm and sex or Paul Hamm and his balls. I promise. The Paul Hamm entry had NOTHING to do with sex at all. Just happiness that he kicked some ass at the Olympics. That is all.

And now google will say "oh, she's got LOTS about Paul Hamm... send more people" and I"m going to feel violated.

Thanks Giving

First off I'd like to wish everyone a happy one. A little late. It wasn't even a busy day. I have no excuse. But there it is.

All day I spent doing nothing. I woke up horny, but husband wasn't really available. I spent several hours online reading through blogs seeing if there was anything new and interesting I felt like linking to (indubitably) or any of the blogs I've been reading for the last week which have held my interest enough to add them to the list on the right (probably).

I ended up chatting with a guy I've chatted with before. He's handsome, masculine, sexy. All those things a girl can only dream about. Something's not right there, though. He's unsure of himself. Or of me. Or of something. It worries me. Makes me wonder what I could get myself into with him. The sex has the potential of being awesome.

Part way through the day I was incredibly horny. Husband was vaguely receptive but not particularly interested. The guy in chat was interested but not particularly available. And what I was craving was the kind of sex I had with Frank. Long lasting. Hard. A little dirty.

I spent the day looking up different sex toys. I'm tempted by the glass pieces for their "different" quality. Would the cold temperature option excite or bother me? What about the hot?

The liberator furniture held my interest. All things you can do without the cushions... but ah the ease. Husband said we could get them. I'm still considering. We often go SO long without sex it almost seems like a waste of money. No one else I could readily use it with, anyway.

I teased husband earlier. Rubbing myself over him. I get really agressive and sure of myself when I'm having good sex. It's definately something to do with Frank, because once I've been with him I get *really* pushy. And sexually charged. I want to fuck now and I want to fuck how I want to fuck. Husband declined since technically the Pill isn't currently effective. Damn. I didn't force the issue.

I lay back on the bed and told him how badly I need cock. I didn't go into the details. I need to learn to stop inhibiting myself. But husband doesn't really go in for the dirty talk. He might be able to get over it. Not during sex, though. I wanted to tell him how badly I needed to have him behind me, fucking me... letting me fuck back against him. Pounding his cock into my g-spot until I came. He put his hand on my pussy. I pulled off my panties and guided his finger to where it needed to be. Against my clit just so. He rubbed it. It became too repetative. Damn. I wanted him to make me cum. Tonight. I rubbed his cock until he was hard. He told me to go take care of myself so he could sleep, unless I thought I could get off without getting pregnant. Hmm. How's that supposed to be a sure thing?

I declined, grabbing my dildo. I came. Super hard. I still need cock. But the edge is off.

Now sleep.

The Next Morning

You'd think I'd write about the night of sex I had. And I probably will. But I'm kind of focused on the 20 minute (give or take) sex I had the next morning with Frank.

I got up and took a shower getting ready to leave the hotel for work. Frank woke up as I lay back down beside him just wanting to be near him. Well, wanting to be asleep again even more... but only after being near him. He gradually woke up. He moved a little, his fingers caressing my thighs and my pussy. No words, just teasing. He finally muttered something about how I wasn't quite ready yet as he rubbed his fingers across my clit.

He finally got up and settled his mouth over my pussy, tongue teasing my clit. His saliva and attention got me wet enough that I was soon ready for him to slide his cock inside me. He fucked me hard and fast until I finally asked him to please fuck me from behind so I could masturbate with him deep inside me and cum.

We moved, around and then he was inside me. It didn't take long before I had one of THE most incredible orgasms ever. Mostly mine go on for maybe 5-10 seconds (although it's hard to say for sure) this one managed to go on for at least 20. Then he fucked me some more in one of my favorite positions he does, from behind, my legs closed him on top of me. I'm not sure how he pulls that one off but it's fucking awesome. He hits my gspot with every thrust and the friction is amazing.

After he came, I finished getting ready, freshly fucked, flushed, and bright eyed. What a way to start the day. Fucking awesome send off, too.

What I'm thinking just now.

I had a late late night with Frank last night. Early into the sex he asked me what kind of blog entry he'd get. I drew a complete blank as to what he could POSSIBLY be talking about as we were having sex. When I got my brain sorted out I was somewhat taken aback that such a thing entered his mind. Geez. It was swiftly forgotten on my part. Afterward I considered whether I should blog about it at ALL. Just to irk him. Maybe.

I'm still somewhat obsessed with the fact that Li was receptive to my advances. Even if he put me on hold for now. Obsessed not neccessarily in a good way. After the inital excitement over the fact that a guy I'm TOTALLY attracted to (in real life!) is interested in me I suddenly got to thinking about what it would be like to actually have a less professional relationship with him. And then I started to get worried.

I put a lot of thought into what it would be like to date him. I can see it going only one of three ways and two of them are not particularly acceptable to me... and either of those is the most likely case. Most of my concern involves my behaviour. Namely jealousy. And fear that the "relationship" I envision will become a near perfect reenactment of my relationship with my ex. And I'm just not sure I can deal with that again. Considering how badly I long for the ex I find it hard to deal with the idea that I would put myself into that situation again.

Anyway, I've got buyers remorse. After wanting him for this long (and wanting him still), going from being internally confident that I could bag him to being absolutely assured by him that I could bag him (under the correct circumstances) changes the way I view things. And I'm scared to ruin what has the potential of being a really good friendship. No, what I'm scared of is reliving the past and being heart broken, depressed, and put off guys for months and months, again.

My sister says "don't do it!" my husband says "dude, guy's not putting that much thought into it... he's thinking 'sex!' and that's it." Both are probably right.

What I need is a good poly boy.

Anyway, this is a subject I feel like I'll need to talk to Li about at a later date. Without freaking him out and driving him away. Or getting too super serious. Because I CAN have sex without love. But maybe not with him. Probably not with him. I think I'm doomed.

And I mentioned something about having a crush on him. To which he said "what?" I repeated myself. Never really considering that he might have been surprised at the idea of me having a crush on him rather than having not heard me. Damn.

Except he's said he gets tired of the one night stands.

God, I find myself getting all wet and excited just thinking about getting him into bed. Or just having him be aware of me and the fact that I want him... and not turn me away."

I really am going to have to devote an entry to Frank. How could I not?

Woah Li!

I spent the better part of the day flirting with Li. I'm sure he wouldn't like me to be repeating any of the conversations I had with him. So I'm kind of tiptoeing around him telling me not to talk about the things he and I talk about. I'm sure he wouldn't want me to talk about the sex we shall inevitably have, either. But fuck that. lol I'm going to spill the beans. Probably less than I normally do. But spill I shall. I respect him and all... but I can only hold back so much.

Anyway, we were chatting and as I walked out the door of the stock room he asked me if I wanted a Cheeto (or similar snack) to which I said no. He said "ah, so you don't like cheetos." I told him, "no, I just don't want YOUR Cheetos." I giggled and left. A bit later I returned to smile shyly and say "actually, I should say it's not Cheetos I want from you."

I am SO lucky that he didn't immediately respond with the question "then what is it" because that would have been far more forward than I could handle. I can only bring myself to say so much. I forget what his immediate response was, but there is no question in his mind now that I want him. Badly. The upshot of this is that even though he remains faithful to his girlfriend he was MUCH more touchy-feely with me today. He found lots of excuses to put his hands on me. And for me to put my hands on him. Mmm.

I was so flustered most of the day I hardly remember much of what was said. However, right after he made a comment how I didn't normally tell him I wanted something other than cheetos from him I found myself growing impossibly wet. And I ended up spending the rest of the evening that he was there practically dripping girl cum. I giggled at how turned on I was at that moment. If I thought I was wet yesterday from husband... well... let's just say that was NOTHING compared to this.

I want that man so bad. Eventually, I asked him if he still has a girlfriend (which was, of course, the case) but just before he left he asked me if I would like to know should that change? Well, fucking DUH. lol And he left. Honestly, I was on the verge of giving him my cell # and e-mail address but suddenly realised that even if it were to be a completely platonic thing his girlfriend might not appreciate him walking around with another woman's phone number. So I kept it to myself and let him leave.

I really hope he doesn't end up doing something silly like breaking up with his girlfriend thinking that I'm looking for the permanence that he is. (ie I think he looks towards children and marriage) but if I can slip in there as someone to take up some down time I'll take it. Now that I know there's at least a bit of mutual interest I'm stoked. And it's going from fantasies of fucking him in the trailers to fantasies of making love to him in his bed and lazing with him afterward.

I *really* like this guy.