just because.
It's very odd. A few weeks ago Martin and I had a talk about what would happen if he and I had sex. It would almost definately bring up some emtions neither of might really want to explore given our situations. We were talking about the L word.
Cut to more recently. Martin told me "well, you know I really care about you." Of course I care about him to. I thought nothing of it, though, knowing that we have this line in the sand.... So Friday he told me "Well, you know I love you" and then he paused for a second and added "a little bit." I didn't know what to say.
Because you see, I'm not in love with Martin. I feel friendship and affection... I feel love for him... but I'm not in love with him. There's no romantic spark in me there. And I worry that maybe he's in a different place than I am. Already.
I feel like I owe it to him to be in love with him, too. As if it's unfair of me to have that line... but it's there. And I can't cross it. Not intentionally. I don't think it's like that, so much. I can gear myself to step away from it... or I can aim myself to step toward it... but I just can't MAKE myself move from where I am, now. And I'm not sure what I want in that regard.
And so it goes.
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