Another Hot Date

I have a date tomorrow with another guy from the internet. Because that's the kind of girl I am. Although I'm not going to sleep with him tomorrow. Which is fine. Just a date to feel one another out. The weirdness sets in though because generally if I like someone and there's chemistry... I see no reason to hold back and not have them RIGHT THAT SECOND. But that's the way I usually am. In that sort of situation. Of course, I also usually (read: always) make guy make the first move. Except that one time with DJ when I had to start things because he was just that much shyer than I am.

So this guy asked me to call him. And I refused. But then ended up doing so anyway because (supposedly) his messenger started messing up. I tend to believe him so I finally gave in and called him... and he's got a really sexy voice....

Anyway, he wanted to get together this weekend and I told him I wouldn't mind going out to eat with him sooner. This weekend will surely lead to sex directly. Tomorrow... not gonna happen because I'll still be on my period and he's got a big problem with that. Which works out well for me at this point anyway, "no pressure," I told him, spritely. He laughed a little mockingly, "I think it might create a little more pressure for ME." I laughed, "You know, I LIKE that idea, though. That AMUSES me. Wonderful thought!" And you know... it is. I like the idea of seeing him tomorrow and sending him on his way hard and wanting... and just not getting. (which you know I'm going to be in a similar situation... but I kind of like that, too).

On the other hand, there might be no chemistry there at all and we could be wasting our time. But I guess we'll find out.

Maybe he'll need a nickname, too. I'll have to come up with one.

This makes up for me probably NOT getting to see Nils or Sam tomorrow. Makes up for it by a lot. Although... you know... I'd rather be convincing Sam to come to bed with me....

And just for my own viewing pleasure (yes I've been actually loading this blog just to gaze longingly at Ben Cohen in his pants)... another picture of Mr. Cohen. In his pants. Reminding me yet again of delicious Sam.

In the interest of a cure...

I've been working on desensitizing the over sensitive parts of my clit. Just randomly throughout the last few days I've been reaching down and rubbing the part of my clit I can't stand to have touched. Seeing as it's my touch and I have more control I've been doing it for fairly long periods working on getting the damned thing over it. I've done this off and on for years but never too seriously. Afterall, I can get myself off just fine without worrying about the sensitive parts.

However, having slept with Keith and having him be as frustrated as he was by my sensitive parts and knowing that he is just THAT good in bed... and of course having Martin essentially give up on getting me there because of it... and having husband try and kind of almost be able to do it... but tell me he's AFRAID to do it for fear he'll do it wrong... and of course because I can't stand the idea of finally getting to nail Sam and having to shove him away because my body just can't take the touches.... well... yeah... it seems more important now than ever that I get things together down there, if you know what I mean.

So rubbing rubbing rubbing I do. However, while I work on getting rid of the annoying discomfort of the super sensitive part of my clit... the same parts I've been stimulating all along remain the parts that'll get me off. But at least those OTHER parts won't be hindering the mission anymore.

I hope it works, though, because not only is the one part of my clit over sensitive... it's also really tender. I'm hoping it'll toughen up and start acting right. Or else!

Or else what...?

Call Me Fickle

I go through these stages with my hair. Often I want it back to it's natural dark dark brown color. Other times... it just seems so bland to me. So I go through these stages where I'll start letting it grow out, dying the ends periodically to darken them toward the color of my roots. But mostly... mostly I love having my hair dark shades of red. Would I love to have it that light, pretty bright orange? Of course. But that's not something easily achieved... and the maintenance. Ouch.

So I was thinking about Sam. Because that's the fickle part. I used to think about Nils. I STILL think about Nils, actually... however Sam's taken the lead because he actually stays and talks to me. Nils... he just seems less interested overall. So while I still want him... the immediacy and possibly availability of Sam is making me lust after him even more.

Meanwhile, Keith hasn't been on much the last couple of days. Which is okay. Because when he and I sit down on our computers together we tend to waste a lot of time just chatting back and forth instead of getting anything in our real lives done. He informed me that he slept with his exwife the other night and I'm kind of surprised. I don't MIND in the least (how COULD I?) but I do kind of... care. Because I never think sleeping with exes is a good idea. Having tried it myself. It doesn't work, no matter how tempting. I loathe it when people I care about make mistakes that I can see. It's one of the reasons I get frustrated with Martin.

So I'm trying not to think too much about Keith because it's getting me nowhere. And he tends to agree. Which doesn't mean I don't want him in my life. On the other hand, he's looking for a serious girlfriend and I strongly suspect once he finds one I'm going to be completely and totally booted to the curb. The thought of which hurts... which causes me to draw away more strongly.

Which is why I'm giving so much thought to Sam. And why I just can't TELL him I crave him. Except I should....

Yuck.

I don't feel good. It's because of this time of the month. I loathe this time of the month. Loathe it. The horniness is GREAT. The entire rest of it... not at all great. I'm considering going upstairs to bed to masturbate and take a nap. I'm sure one of the dogs will snuggle with me so I won't be alone.

I keep thinking about Sam. A lot. Wondering what it is he thinks about me. It's really weird because I can still see his face so completely clearly. I'm used to thinking about people and having their faces be somewhat muddled with all my other thoughts about them. Looks take a back seat. I still think about Sam's looks. And about how fucking friendly and nice he is.

Thoughts of Sam are a big reason why I feel the need to go masturbate. That and the fact that I didn't at all yesterday....

But god I feel awful.

Oh Misery...

So it's that time of the month again. And really it couldn't have fallen at a better time. I get three days off to wallow in my misery and not have to worry about all those obnoxious things a girl has to worry about with her period while at work AND I can lay down and moan pathetically at need without people starting at me. Martin's family is in town so I had no plans with him, either. And of course it makes me feel vindicated in not even attempting to make plans with Sam (which certainly implies what I feel we'd be doing... because I'm that easy).

It also means I'm not pregnant. Which is always a good thing. It's the only reason I don't get more bitter about having it.

I spent the better part of last night looking for a good photo of a guy who looks like Sam. Unfortunately, the internet mocks me. It's WAY easier to find photos of hot women than it is of men. So I searched and searched and the best I could find was Ben Cohen. Now Ben has a body very similar to what I've seen of Sam's. And I imagine their body hair is quite similar (which I find delicious). Similar coloring, too. Their looks aren't completely different, however while Ben is apparently known for being hot, Sam is actually better looking. By a lot. So in fact this photo really looks very little like Sam. However... it's quite lovely to look at so I thought I'd share.

So anyway. Now, I'm envisioning Sam in his underwear (or pants as the English like to say since Ben is in fact English). I just have to squint my eyes a bit at the pic and... oh... there's Sam.

Maybe eventually I'll find a good substitute for Nils. But in my search for my pretend Sam I didn't come across anyone for Nils which is disappointing. I did run across a version of Keith but in fact Keith, too, is better looking. And since I have ACTUAL photos of him it seemed silly to save (or even remember) where the pretend version was.

Which reminds me. It's been almost exactly a month since I last saw Keith. I've got to get over this guy. Dammit. I've already forgotten much of what made the sex good. If I go back and re-read the posts from our nights together or talk to him about it too much I start to remember all the stunning details... and I get frustrated and horny. However, that's slowly starting to happen less often now. Which is probably for the best. My next lover or two will likely not be so skilled or share as much chemistry so I might as well let myself forget the magic from those nights.

*sigh* But maybe Sam...

Fantasy

I don't fantasize about anyone. Not ever, anymore. I think early on I learned that fantasizing about a lover (especially a potential lover) generally leads to disappointment. In fact it's gotten to the point where I rarely fantasize about anything anymore. I look back and remember experiences... relive them in my mind which is a form of fantasy... but I don't make things up, anymore. Not often.

I found myself fantasizing about Sam the other day. About having him at the store... me in his house (I've fantasized up the living room)... him leaning against me against a wall... his fingers sliding between my legs... two of them slidding inside my pussy curving back to press rhythmically against my gspot. That's all. Just feeling his breath... having him watch me as I react to the pressure....

Maybe because much as I can see that things with Sam have potential... but will likely never go anywhere, I can envision him like this. Touching me. Me touching him. It's exciting as hell.

Nils... Nils I used to think about him tying me up... tormenting me... punishing me somehow with a flogger or just his hand.... Just the idea... never really visualizing.

Keith... Keith I just remember. But he writes these amazing scenarios. So beautiful... so romantic... so ripe with potential. And I can see him there... the way his mouth would come down on mine....

Keith enourages me to fantasize, though I've so much forgotten how. But it's coming back to me. Just a bit....

The Amusing Conversation

Or How The Author Missed an Opportunity.

It was early in the afternoon. I hadn't been expecting Sam in for at least another hour... if at all. Of course Fridays much of the military gets to leave work early and apparently Sam is no exception. So he showed up far earlier. He walked in and headed over for his normal pre-workout coffee. I saw him and sort of shrieked, "I haven't made fresh coffee yet!" He smiled, "that's okay I'll get something else."

So I went back to what I was doing as he wandered over to the energy bar section. Close to the counter. (okay, almost everything is close to the counter in that store). I eyed him idly as I do... and he headed toward the magazines. Standing closer to me now I told him "hey... you know... I looked up that magazine we talked about yesterday." "Maxim?" He asked. "No.. the OTHER one..." I looked around guiltily, "Hustler." He looked vaguely confused, "I said Penthouse." "No... you really didn't!" I responded, "Not that there's that HUGE of a difference." He smiled at that. "Anyway," I went on, "I forgot just how really DIRTY it was! I mean... yeah..." Then I laughed nervously. He was quiet for a moment and narrowed his eyes, "You looked at it online?" I nodded so he continued, "I thought you had to have like... like a membership for that." I laughed, "there are free previews!" I thought about it for a second and then asked "Wait, are you implying that I have a membership?!?" and then I laughed at the idea. He smiled back.

At this point this other guy who had walked into the store whom I used to flirt with a little (playfully only) came over to stare at the magazines that Sam was supposedly staring at. So the conversation ended abruptly. I stared at the other guy. Just stared at him. He finally looked up at me for a long moment as I simply stared at him with a forced smile on my face as if to say "you SO need to leave." So he came up to the counter, "i'm not trying to MAKE you leave, you know." I told him. He smiled at me but said nothing. Of course I wanted him to leave. So he left and Sam stuck around.

I don't remember how the conversation returned but I told him that I hadn't looked at those magazines in a lot of years and of course we don't sell them in the store so it's not nearly as easy as it could be to look at them. He smiled, "yeah, well... I think those are the kinds of magazines you buy kind of... so no one knows... subscription, maybe." I smiled brightly, "maybe YOU'RE the one with the subscription!" He laughed at that, "I do NOT have a subscription to those magazines!" "You'd say that wouldn't you, though?" "I was just remembering when I was a teenager!" I smiled, "yeah... I really only know them because..." I paused for a second, "...because I used to be a criminal." He gazed at me, curiously. "I had an underage boyfriend at the time so I was his supplier because-" I stopped myself from saying "because when you have a girl that'll go down on you every day, any time of the day whenever you want it... you really crave some porn." Instead I laughed shyly, "never mind that. Ah... I just admitted I'm a criminal. Should I confess any of my other criminal acts while I'm at it?" "No," he responded, still smiling.

So I changed the subject as I rang him up. He slid his card through the PIN pad and I waited for him to complete the transaction. He used credit so his signature showed up on my screen. Reflex had me hitting the button accepting the signature without so much as a thought in my head to read it. As soon as I hit the buttons and winced at my stupidity for not having read his name. In fact I did sort of see his name and am pretty confident I know it. (it'd be easier to just ask, right?) "what?!?" he asked, having noticed my reaction which had NOT been my plan. "Ah.. just berating myself. Don't mind me...so do you have any plans for the long weekend?" "Nope." I stared at him having expected more of an answer than that. "None? It's a three day weekend." "Not doing anything." "At ALL?" "Nope."

I stared at him still kind of amazed. "I don't really go out much anymore. When you hit thirty going to bars... just kind of loses it's thrill." I interjected, "how old ARE you?" "Thirty-three. Pretty much my life consists of going to work... going to the gym... and going home." "Wow," I replied, "I'm really disappointed in you! I expected more excitement!" He shrugged. So I thought for a second..."do you have any pets?" "No." "Oh."

So the conversation went on to the fact that sometimes he and his friend play poker and he doesn't always do that well but it's fun. And that I'm the worst poker player in history. "You can go online and practice." Which is true. Although I told him I think I'm actually hopeless and it doesn't make me WANT to play because of my losing. We talked about casinos and the fact that there aren't many around here.. and that I've never been to one. "Wow, now I'm really disappointed in YOU," he mocked. He told me about the horse races... and dog races... and the addictive quality of those.

So we stood there staring at one another for a long moment. And finally I said "well, I think I've run out of questions." He nodded. Of course I hadn't. But I just couldn't bring myself to ask if he was single. And if I could possibly please get him naked, preferably during this long mutually boring weekend. Any sane person would have suggested it. I am not sane. Instead.. I basically dismissed him.

"Well," he said, "I'll see you next week," he said. I thought for a second and said "well, I won't be back until... next Thursday... so I'll see you next Thursday, maybe." He smiled and left.

And I thought about what a fucking awesome conversation we had. And the fact that I probably totally could have had my way with him this weekend. If he's that easy. Now... I have to wait until Thursday to see him again. But maybe that's a good thing... lots of time to think about our next conversation....

Masturbation

Last night I spent literally HOURS masturbating. Keith worked hard at getting me excited and that ebbed and flowed all evening long resulting an on orgasm late at night. It wasn't the best one ever unfortunately. But I blame myself because of all the physical stimulation I gave myself. Things got a little... numb. So after that orgasm I let things "rest" for a while and tried again and the second one was MUCH better.

This morning... another quite nice one. But I'm actually a little sore from last night. Let's see if I can avoid masturbating tonight. Or if I can't resist (say if Sam comes in and flirts with me again) I've got to be more gentle. At least for a day.

I'm going to be REALLY disappointed if Sam doesn't come in. But at least I'm guaranteed a visit from Nils.

And if all else fails... I can fantasize about Keith some more. That always keeps that dreamy look in my eye while I'm at work....

Dirty, dirty man.

Since it's been such a long time I wandered off to check the online Hustler website. And I realized it's been SUCH a long time I'd forgotten how really "dirty" Hustler IS. I'd forgotten about the pictorials of sex. It's like my porn collection... in stills... without the penetration (if it's still like I remember it).

So Sam really IS a dirty, dirty boy that he'd suggest something like that to me. And that's fucking hot. So now I'm thinking I'm going to have to say something about that to him. Because how much fun will it be to have THAT conversation? Hopefully without getting embarrassed again....

I forgot about the one guy.

So the last thing that happened last night is sometime around closing this guy comes in. I've seen this guy before a few times. He looks quite a lot like my husband with his build, coloring, and hair (or lack thereof). He's also always acted relatively friendly toward me so last night I was slightly more talkative. Plus, Sam had just been in and I was still floating from that experience so I was feeling particularly good. At no point was I actually interested in this guy. I was just happy and talkative.

So I'm sitting there and I ask him about the particularly good weather we've been having lately and whether he got to enjoy any of it (as it was dark now). "No," he replied, "I was asleep for most of it. I have to work the night shift tonight." "That's not fun," I said, "but maybe it'll be a really nice weekend, too so you'll get to enjoy that.... oh... wait... you work the night shift? Do you GET the long weekend? I know most of you get screwed out of that." "Yeah," he told me, "I get the weekend off this week. Not tonight, though, unfortunately. I'd much rather be in a bar. Although I don't like to go alone." I smiled, "so... what bars do you go to? Something around here?" He shrugged, "just off base." "Ah," I said, going further, "I know of Gomer's and Drunkies (not the real names, of course) but I've never known anyone who's gone to any of the other bars around here... where do you go?" "Ah, just where ever." he replied. I thought about it for a second and said "you know... I don't really go to bars. Haven't been in over a year. I was just curious what's going on around here." "I just go where ever the car takes me, in the next town" he said. "Ah," I thought again for a second, "I wasn't suggesting that I was going to go hunt you down" realising how I might be coming off. He nodded and started to leave before stopping at the door, "yeah... you know I just need to find someone to go WITH." I was already walking away at that point so I stopped and smiled, "Well, I wish you luck." And wandered away.

I'm not sure but I think my interest in his bar-attending habits came across far too much like I wanted to go out with him or something. But what the fuck do I know. It was really, really odd to me. I wish Nils would be so easy....

Music Magic

So I had a very busy day today and I'll have to write a very long post about all the boys I flirted with and all that happened. I might break it up into two entries. I should probably preface this whole thing by saying that I've given up on actually having the balls to tell any of the guys I want to fuck that I want to fuck them. At least, not right now. Instead I'm just enjoying the hell out of the flirtation.

The day started with me running into Keith online. We didn't talk too long but he was, of course, my first thought upon waking and it was a wonderful surprise to get to chat him up for a while. He went to bed early enough that I didn't have to rush around getting ready for work the way I have been lately. It was a nice morning.

My coworker left and shortly after that I changed the music from her 50's bopping music to something faster and more modern. I was super quick to change the music thinking "oh, god, Nils is coming... he's going to be here soon and I CAN'T let him think I listen to THIS." Because that's what matters, right? Right. So I put on my CD and the first song, Seek and Destroy, was playing when he came in. Perfect timing. He came up to me after a few minutes and asked "...you listen to Metallica?" I nodded, "...yeah... is that okay?" He kind of shrugged so I added, "should I NOT?" He didn't really have anything to say other than "... I don't know." I don't know what the fuck that means. So we talked a little. Not enough. But it was pleasant. And then he left. See. Music matters.

Later in the evening another guy came up to me and commented on the Red Hot Chili Peppers song I was playing. And winked at me that he liked my music. That's right, I got a WINK, baby. From a cute guy. Whom I thought was scoping me out a little. And confirmed it with the wink. Yeah, baby. I got a wink. Music MATTERS.

It was getting late and I was all but sure that Sam wasn't coming in. However, I thought "I gotta listen to this song..." because it's kind of appropriate. So I turned on the song "Crush" by Jennifer Page and since I was along started singing along... and who walks in but Sam. "Ha! Caught you singing!" he said. And I laughed embarrassed. And gazed at him entering the store. The guy is so fucking cute! I wanted to watch him. Just stare. Sometimes I think about doing it. But then I don't. So the song was playing and I'm thinking "this song is SO about you, Sam" and wouldn't you know the next song is Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away" which wasn't intentional! With his sexy southern drawl... well... he can take me away if he wants but he doesn't need to know that!

So he wandered around and I got some little bit of work done while he went to the magazine section (near the counter... easy to have a conversation from there). And then he came to the counter and I rang him up. "Didn't find a magazine today?" I asked. Then considered for a second and added "not that you've ever bought a magazine here." And then considered another moment "not that I really remember..." trying to sound nonchalant. "I don't really buy magazines," he agreed, "I pretty much have subscriptions to the ones I read."

I nodded, sagely. Then asked "so... what do you read?" wondering if maybe... just maybe he reads Men's Health.... He paused for a second then started his list, "Maxim, Playboy, Men's Health..." I think he stopped then. Who knows? He covered the important things.

"Maxim, eh? You know... I was really disappointed in that one." He gave me a slightly quizzical look. "Well, I don't know if you remember it... maybe you do... when it first came out... it was supposed to be this GREAT, sexy magazine... and I finally got my hands on one and it was..." He stepped in then, " yeah, it's just a normal magazine." "Exactly." "I got mine as a gift, the subscription." Now I SHOULD have asked WHO gave him the gift but NOOOO... instead I say "This guy had a pile of them and I was just SO disappointed!" And then I was quiet a moment. "Of course, I suppose if I were really looking for that sort of thing, that's what the internet is for." The entire time I'm talking to him he has his super sexy half smile on his face that he does... looking bemused at me... maybe....

Then I laughed slightly, "I'm not sure about say... Stuff..." He nodded, "I think Stuff is the same family... FHM... Maxim... all those." Of course, I knew that but we're having a conversation, right? "Yeah, but they're wrapped in plastic so I can't TELL. I'll have to buy one to see." He smiled again, "no, if you want to NOT be disappointed you could always try Hustler." I laughed and he responded, "It's a bit different a little more-" "I've seen hustler," I interrupted, "but you know, we don't SELL that... and the one nice thing about working here is that if I WANT any of the magazines we sell... I can just wait until everyone's gone and ring myself up for them and no one else need ever know." And then I stared at him in minor horror that I just can't keep my fucking mouth shut and said "ah, and now you know WAY more about me than you needed to!" He smiled, "no, it's not too much information." I shook my head and covered my face really truly embarrassed and said "no, it really is." "No, it's not" he responded. And I laughed, surely red, and said "okay, I'll try really hard not to be embarrassed." Except I was. A little. We stared at each other for a long moment and he said "well, I guess I should get while the getting is good." And I nodded, semi-mute. "Have a good night," I responded and he left.

And I'm thinking... you know... maybe he's a dirtier boy than I thought he was... and maybe... just maybe... he's the one I should be setting my sights on instead of Nils.

Except... you know... I can't help my reaction to Nils. On the other hand, I'm developing that reaction to Sam BIG time. Because he really is so totally my type. I just thought he was WAY out of my league. WAY. Beyond way. Except... maybe he's not. Maybe my wanting someone doesn't automatically mean they're too good for me....

Anyway, who says I can't have both?

What's wrong with me?

So I started the day by getting up an hour early to check for Keith online. He wasn't there which wasn't a big surprise because I figured he was otherwise occupied. So I went back to bed. An hour later I woke up and took my shower and headed downstairs to go online like I do every morning. And there he was.

We ended up spending the morning talking... some of it related to my recent blog posts... some to do with e-mails. I think he asked me to write about him. And about some of our fantasies. However, I'm just not in the mood right now. Instead I'm here to bitch myself out. Besides, it's my blog and it's my choice so there.

Nils came in at about his normal time. A little early, maybe. Just him. There was no one else in the whole building during that time. At all. And I said "hi" and then promptly ignored him. As much as I could. I actually walked around the store doing my work laughing quietly at myself for the way my heart immediately began to pound... my breath coming faster.

He ended up approaching me and we talked a little. I finally asked him if that local bar is the place he usually hangs out. "No, REAL cops hang out there. I WISH I could hang out there." I thought about it for few moments and it struck me that maybe THAT is where Mark (my first long term "affair") used to hang out. And then I couldn't help but wonder if he still does. I'm tempted to go down there around the time he used to hang out... just to see....

I don't even remember most of the rest of the conversation. But I had PMS really bad all day so while I was MORE than happy to see him I just wasn't as really happy as I normally am. So he teased me about it just before he left. And I could have fucking told him at ANY time during that conversation that I wanted him. I think I should just ask him "you KNOW I have a crush on you, right?" because what's more innocent than that?

But god damn was I in a bad mood all day. I was silently berating the customers left and right wanting them all to die slow and terrible deaths because they were pissing me off for things that shouldn't have bothered me at all.

Sam came in, too. And he wasn't going to work out. I am currently telling myself he came to see me. Of course I'm reasonably sure he DIDN'T but he also didn't buy anything, though he looked. He is so fucking hot. And as he was getting ready to leave I stared at him, once again completely alone in the store with this super hot guy... I opened my mouth to tell him "I just want you to know I think you're super hot... and you're nice too..." but nothing came out. He started to leave and I said "wait... don't go.... you can stay...." He smiled at me and I added "or... you can stay and I can go..... no...?" Ah, I'm a loser. But really I want to tell him something like "you really sparkle." except I'm not sure guys WANT to sparkle. Except he does. He's just... this lovely ray of light... twinkling eyes.... Well, whatever. Just before he left he told me "maybe I'll see you tomorrow" and I said "I'll be here." So now I'm going to have my hopes up all fucking night long....

That's tight.

So when I sleep with Martin he likes to talk. And I mostly ignore it (because that's what I do). However, one of the topics that comes up again and again as he's fucking me is "that tight pussy." And I'm just not sure what to think about that.

You see, Martin isn't a big guy. He's nothing to snicker at, mind you, but... eh. And I'm particularly insensitive down there so while he goes on and on about tight pussy... I find myself thinking "...I'm not so sure." Which totally distracts me from the moment.

Husband once told me about what he and Martin have talked about in regards to his ACTUAL girlfriend. Apparently he informed husband that his girlfriend is tight. Like a virgin, he said.

And I'm thinking "so... is this just talk with me? Does he compare us that way?" I'm just not sure what to make of it. And it makes me self concious.

Even though I suppose it doesn't really matter....

Date Night and then I digress.

Earlier this evening husband looked over at me as I sat at the computer quietly tap-tap-taping at my keyboard. "We haven't been on a date in a long time," he told me. I turned around to stare at him. "...what?" I asked, confused. "A date. We haven't been on a date in a long time." I continued to stare at him trying to make sense of his words. "...umm... I'm pretty sure we just had a date on Friday," I told him. He stared at me blankly so I added "we went out to dinner...?" His expression changed, "Oh. Well. That was less than a week ago." "Yeah," I agreed. "Well... do you want to do something again on Friday?" I shrugged, "sure. like what?" "I don't know." "okay, how about you get off your ass and think of something if you want to go on a date, dork." Because that's just how much I love him.

Contempt is considered the number one indicator of the failure of a relationship. I have contempt. Some days more than others.

As I tucked him into bed I stared at him and we did a pathetic version of a snuggle. I considered talking to him about Keith. About all my crazy mixed up (and oh so clear) feelings about the other man. And I looked at husband and considered out history together. Almost 7 years.

How do I tell him "hey, there's this guy with him I share amazing passion... we're great in bed together and I like talking to him and we talk to one another as much as you and I did back when we first started talking except about different stuff and I keep dreaming about running away to be with him because I'm so attracted to him and to his life and to just the way he is... and yes I DO think a relationship with him is doomed because I just think there are way more differences than similarities and it would become a problem after a while but the whole thing just seems so ROMANTIC and how can I resist that and I do love him but I don't know how much of that is lust pretending to be love and how much of that is my idealized version of this man and well it's been nice knowing you but it's the call of the wild, baby...."

Yeah, okay. So maybe I know in my heart Keith isn't for me. Maybe I know that. Somewhere. And maybe he knows it, too. But how can I resist the attention? The desire I feel for him?

We don't talk about some things. Things I think would certainly keep us from taking things any further in our hearts. Because I think we both know there are things that really MATTER but in different ways to each of us. And that'd ruin the fantasy.

I think too much about Keith. And he about me, maybe.

Maybe I need to think more about Nils, again....

That's the plan, stan.

So Sunday night I gave some thought to when I'd see Nils again and what I was going to say. I've got in my head that I can guess which bar he goes to... just because it seems so obvious to me that he'd go to THIS particular bar (which is quite popular around here). I considered asking him, considered starting the question with "where do you live?" except that seemed too obvious so I settled on just asking him what he did with his weekend. Thus semiprepared and hoping that hear (or hopefully NOT hear) a "we" in his weekend plans I was prepared to run into him.

So today he popped in a good two to two and a half hours earlier than he normally does, throwing me slightly off my game. He was wearing the "cop" version of a physical training uniform, essentially a sweat shirt and pants with a logo. And my breath caught. Because I've often wondered what he looks like out of uniform. I've long suspected that his bullet proof vest was acting as some kind of a disguise but I wasn't exactly sure WHAT it was disguising. Today I found out. He is fucking BUILT. Like I suspected. Except MORE so. Oh, holy shit. Needless to say I no longer need to hold myself back from visualizing him naked for fear I'll be imagining something more perfect than he is. Oh no. The only thing I can ask now is for god to please grant me the pleasure of seeing him in a t-shirt....

So his turn came in line and there really wasn't anyone else around so I asked him "So... do anything exciting this weekend?" trying VERY HARD to keep my eyes from drifting down his body. "I had a four day weekend," he told me. I smiled, "I know. You told me. So surely you did SOMETHING exciting this weekend?" He was quiet a moment, "I'm trying to remember." Now, at THIS point (I mean, as I'm writing this) I'm wondering if he was avoiding telling me something that he did. I don't know what kind of antics he gets up to that he wouldn't want to share... but I can't help but think he was trying to come up with SOME small detail that he could share without giving anything away. Regardless I found myself laughing at him, "oh my god, you got SO drunk you don't remember what you did!" He smiled at me, "I did get really drunk on Friday." Seeing he was going to offer no more I changed the subject.

"I went to see Hostel this weekend," I told him. "Austin?" "Hostel." "Austin Powers?" *sigh* "HOSTEL." "Oh. HOSTEL! How was it?" "Okay, you know Natural Born Killers?" "Yeah, I liked that movie." "Me, too. It was kind of like that in a way... with the gore. Except with less of a story line." I thought for a moment and added "the first half of the movie is breasts and sex... the second half is all torture." "Didn't they cut off someone's toes?" I thought for a second thinking of a different scene before I remembered what he was talking about "yes, they did. It's a pretty good movie." "I'm going to have to go see it now." I was too stupid to ask him to report back on what HE thought. I'll have to mention it next time. It also would have been an excellent opportunity to ask him to see it with me. Except.. you know... the whole "married" thing which he might not like.

"So... you're really early and you're wearing funny clothes. What's going on?" "I'm in training," he told me. "Training for what?" "To be a police officer." I laughed at him, police officer. Right. So I was quiet then, waiting to see if he'd add more. "They're making me do some qualifying stuff." "Ah, that sounds interesting." "It's not," he said, "it mostly involves rolling around in the dirt and shooting guns." Which immediately brought to mind Keith and some of his work photos. "That actually sounds really interesting." He shook his head but didn't argue further. Apparently I'm missing something. So I told him "look, don't be bitter just because you're not as funny as I am." Which gave him an opening to mock me for my "bad" joke from the other day. Shortly after which he made his exit.

And I was thrilled. Because the conversation had gone pretty much exactly how I'd wanted it to. Except I still want to know what the fuck he got up to this weekend that he won't talk about...

So yes, for tomorrow... I must come up with a new plan....

Cuz that's what I DO.

I ended up having to work a partial day up at the other store which is not MY store. There was so many cute little 20-ish year old boys running around. Unfortunately, at that store as the customers get older... they get significantly less attractive. Which is so disappointing. Not to mention that in their jobs (which involve pushing around the youngsters) they tend to feel the need to be very serious. No fun there. The other store is MUCH more relaxed.

Once finished there I was allowed to head down to the store where all of my many man-loves are. Of course none were there for my gazing pleasure. I knew Nils wouldn't be there because he'd already told me his schedule so I had to content myself with the eye candy that was available. Which wasn't much. Ho hum.

During my lunch I went for my now-daily walk around the building. I usually end up bored for almost half of my lunch time so I've gotten in the habit of wasting a couple of minutes for a quick walk outside. It feels great to get out in our unseasonably warm weather and stretch my legs even that little bit, inhaling fresh air, not being closed up in a building, getting some bright sunlight. It's all good.

As I walked around the building I saw this guy who works very close by. He's a mountain of a man hugely muscular, rather handsome, and friendly. Unfortunately his path crossed mine when I was rather far ahead but I do enjoy getting to see him. At the same time I ran into MP who was on his police bike. I laughed at him. Because that's what I do. I have no clue what to do with MP anymore. Sex is almost certainly out of the question.

Otherwise it was a quiet afternoon. Until four o'clock came around and Sam came in. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE BACK!" I said before thinking. Then I giggled at myself. Of course he smiled his winning smile with his pretty twinkling blue eyes. And I just fucking melted. Again. Because no man needs to look like that. He'd gotten a hair cut I could see. And then I said "I haven't seen you in like... two weeks!" And I thought "fucking SHUT UP, stalker!" but it didn't shut me up. "Are you sure it's been that long?" he asked. "Well, I did go away for Christmas-" I asked him specifically where and he told me "Tennessee." *sigh* Guess he's not perfect. And apparently he'd been trying to sell his vehicle and "just didn't have time to come in."

Oh, thank god I didn't scare him away. So we talked a little bit and I wanted to eat him up right there and then. I was quizzing him a little about the weather and the differences between here and his last duty station when he used the word "we." And I felt my heart sink a little. Because I was asking him what kind of temperature he keeps in his home and he replied "we keep it..." and while I remember his answer my brain kind of shut off at the "we." And I would have said "we?" except... did I really want to take the chance of hearing all about his wife? Dammit.

Still, he's a delightful form of eye candy and I'm not complaining. I might still tell him. Because... well... maybe he'll at least be complimented.

I spent the rest of the evening sitting around reading the premier issue of some new men's fitness magazine as well as Men's Health and Men's Fitness. Since I can no more stop talking about Keith than I can about Nils I might as well add this is because he said something about all of his sex tips have come from Men's Health... so I had to read it, too. Because fuck... I can always use some tips. And what tips did I pick up? I can't remember. I'm too tired. Ha! However, it was an excellent waste of time flipping through the magazines.

I rushed home intent on getting in a good workout... and my ipod's battery was almost dead. Which messed that up. I still have plenty of time, however and am GOING to workout tonight, dammit.

I spent the better part of the day thinking about something Keith said this morning about being my slave. A delightful idea which kept me smiling a bit too much at the customers. The rest I spent thinking about how utterly relaxed I was after my time spent with Martin last night. And how STILL relaxed I am.

It was a good day.

Hot Date

I woke up and found a message on my phone from Martin telling me to let him know when I got out of bed. I did so and we decided to meet up about an hour later for movie, dinner, and of course a trip back to his place.

We decided to see Hostel and wandered around a movie/music store for a while trying to make the time pass until the movie started. We bantered a little and basically amused ourselves doing nothing. Eventually we gave up and headed to the movie. During the movie, of course we fondled one another touching each other teasingly the entire time. I expected Hostel to be scary... but in fact it was not scary so much as horrific. Which was fine by me, really.

After the movie we headed to the local Chili's for dinner. While sitting and waiting for our food we got to talking a little about nothing. I told him, "You know, you've got to get this idea out of your head that I'm a sure thing!" He laughed at me outright "sure you're not." He's laughed at me about this before. "I'm not. I swear to god after this I'm going to leave." "Yes, yes... and go find your favorite toys." I smiled at that and tapped his hands with the menu "you mean these?" He was quiet for a second and then laughed. And then I started blushing furiously and had to hide me face. I glanced up at him for a second and said "god damn, I can't even LOOK at you, now!" He laughed again, "I know. You're bright red!"

So I sat there laughing at myself and being red... and he changed the subject so I'd get over it. But it was funny. Here I was trying to make a dirty joke and I ended up just being embarrassed. I rather liked it.

So we went back to his place and fairly immediately ended up in bed. There was some foreplay.... He did go down on me, too. I was tempted to tell him "... just don't..." and sort of tried to avoid letting him... but he headed south... and it was pleasant. But... not enough. I wanted to tell him what to do... but somehow couldn't. Because it was enough that he just went down there. So I pulled him away and told him to kiss me. After he kissed me for a moment he asked "what was that about?" "What?" I asked confused. He never responded but I think he was confused as to why I'd suddenly wanted to be kissed. In fact, I was just looking for a polite way to stop him.

I'd been a good girl and played with my dildo recently in a way that sort of replicates what he feels like inside me (angles, depth, and all) which made it easier to really enjoy having him inside me when he finally got to that point. I could feel myself getting flushed. God I love that feeling... and I get it far too rarely. He pulled out of me a few times and it messed with my head, leaving my pussy craving having him back inside. I whined to him about it even as he did it and he apologized "sometimes I just have to stop so I don't cum...." I laughed and pulled him back inside.

After a while he moved off me and stood near the bed, just kind of looking at me. I wasn't sure what to make of it so I lay there and looked back at him in the near darkness before rousing myself enough to take him into my mouth. He eventually came back to bed and I sucked him for a while as he fingered me.

He asked me if I wanted him to fuck me from behind and I agreed. However, I didn't feel like it was the most important thing so being the crafty bitch I am I took a page out of Keith's book and began to explore his body in a way I haven't. Maybe ever. Thinking of the way Keith touched and tongued me I began to lick, suck, and gently bite up and down his legs, suckling at his nipples, his ears... even his ticklish sides, trying to draw what reaction I could. I adored listening to him moan. As I did these things I could hear Keith in my head saying "I realized I was giving her PLEASURE" and I thought "I want to feel that way, too." So I tried. And I feel like I succeeded.

I teased and tormented his body and as I did so he let his hand drift back down to his cock to jack it slowly. I watched for a moment before moving down to help and interrupt. I would flick my tongue out as his hand moved downward, teasing the crown of his cockhead, occasionally sucking it into my mouth or tonguing his balls.

For a while now I've been wondering if he wants me to touch his ass. I've been licking and sucking at his "taint" letting my tongue slip further and further south... without quite going all the way. He'd shift his hips in such a way that said he wanted me to rim him... but I wasn't sure and I really wasn't sure I wanted to be wrong. So up to this point I've not done it. However, as I sucked his cock, moving down to occasionally lick the other parts of him he began to finger my pussy. One of his fingers found my asshole and I thought "ah ha!" Because he'd never expressed an anal interest before. With that bit of news I began venturing further toward his asshole, testing his reactions. It wasn't long before I'd shifted positions and his legs were up on my shoulders my tongue buried in his ass.

How very dirty that sounds. I love it.

I came up to suck his cock a few times and lick his balls and was amazed to discover my anal administrations had gotten him incredibly close to cumming as evidenced by the sudden hardness of his balls. "You're really close," I told him, surprised. "I really am," He agreed. I then traded a thumb for my tongue in his ass and began sucking and stroking his cock in earnest. He came hard in my mouth and I let it drip down his cock, not swallowing this time.

As soon as he was done I gathered up some of his cum in my hand (trying to cover up the fact that I hadn't swallowed any) and headed to the bathroom. Martin joined me to clean himself off more thoroughly and I went back to lay down in bed and consider what exactly would come next. He returned to bed with me and sat down between my legs in what is becoming a very customary position for him to be in to slide his fingers inside me to help me to cum. After a few moments of feeling his fingers sliding in and out I decided to take advantage of what I learned with Keith about being more helpful in bed. I asked "could you try like... kind of curving your fingers up a bit like... oh... yes..." and he was hitting my gspot.

To this day I remain disappointed that no one can find my gspot with the precision that DJ found it that one day (although he claimed it wasn't intentional) however with my single bit of couching Martin did a pretty good job. It was several minutes but eventually I had a pretty kick ass orgasm that left me dizzy (seriously dizzy) and absolutely wiped out. Martin went off to wash his hands after a few minutes and returned to lay down against me, snuggling close for a few minutes as I tried to come down off my high. It actually took a lot longer than I expected before I was ready to actually move again... and even then I was utterly relaxed and calm in a way I haven't felt almost... ever.

I eventually did get up and get dressed and ended up hanging out with Martin for another half hour or so as I tried to get my body to respond normally and stop being so... drunk. "I can envision me driving off the road feeling like this... and just laughing about it because I'm so fucking relaxed... that was so good...." I think i complimented Martin a good 3 or 4 times and he said nothing.

I remain unsure as to what exactly he was thinking. If I'd somehow gone too far in rimming him... or what. His body's responses were NOT remotely subtle so I know he liked it. In fact, he ought to have been in cloud nine given his body's reactions. Instead he was curiously distant. I'm not really sure what to make of that. However, I'm also not convinced the two are related. I merely suspect.

So I left there feeling amazing. And felt amazing for quite a long time afterward. When I went to put husband to bed I found myself kissing and licking up and down his body a little, too. I knew he didn't want to have sex with me. I could tell by the way his face was screwed up... but I couldn't resist loving on him just that bit. I kissed him and told him "goodnight" taking another minute to lick and kiss down his chest and stomach a little and then excused myself so he could get some much needed rest.

And so here I sit. Still in a dream-like daze having drunk my glass of Shiraz with dinner... and now amusing myself with a black russian. I'm vaguely tipsy, which helps with my dream-like daze... and tired, too. But so relaxed. Amazingly so.

Talking

Keith and I ended up having another lengthy chat. The chat before I was really kind of saddened by much of what we talked out. About the impossibility of a relationship between us. About my desire to run away from home and be with him. About a lot of things. The more recent conversation I was more at peace with myself. Sometimes I forget about the fact that I don't live in a "normal" relationship and that I will never believe that being in love with one person precludes my being in love with anyone else. I don't believe in a famine economy of love and I hope I never do. Just as parents choose to have more children because it makes them happy to have more loved ones in their lives. Having more children would never prevent them from loving their first child. Just the same having more loves does not prevent me from loving my husband.

It brought my peace to remember that it IS possible to love more than one person at a time. I can love him and love my husband at the same time. It doesn't have to be one or the other for me. For Keith, unfortunately, he remains quite firm in his belief of both physical and emotional monogamy. I understand that, really, however it doesn't make it easier to accept.

So, while I remain secure and confident in the fact that I love him and likely always will... it's hard to accept that he cannot give me the same assurance. Because he chooses not to. Which means when he finds another woman to love... I shall be left behind. It's still worth it for me to share what love we can... but it remains painful to consider it ending.

Such is the case with Martin, too. He broke me heart when he told me we couldn't see each other anymore, a while back. Of course, he changed his mind but it changed his place in my life. I imagine the same will happen with Keith one day. Maybe sooner or later. And it doesn't thrill me. But of course, I do know both he and I will be okay. I'm certainly a better person for having known him and it's really hard to ask for more than that....

Silly

Last night I went to pick up husband from Martin's house. Martin had a small "boys night in" type of party involving video games, alcohol, and bad movies. Knowing this I played DD for husband so he could get completely drunk without worrying about anything. Turned out none of them got very drunk but it's okay. I was up anyway.

By the time I got there husband and Martin were involved in an exciting WWE wrestling game with horrible collision detection. It was baaaaaaad. So I lazed in one of Martin's chairs and watched them finish playing. Afterward husband and I left with Martin walking us to the door, following behind me, husband in the lead. As we stepped out the door Martin put his hand on my back, caressing downward to my ass and finishing it off with a sharp (but quiet) smack. I jumped and started to turn to look at him but kept my head down, instead smiling.

Today we're going to see a movie, eat, and then... well of course... we'll head back to his place. Because that's what we DO. When he invited me he asked me "is that too relationship-y?" But of course it's not. Because the romantic affection I felt toward him is just... gone. I still like him in a friendly way... and I still want to have sex with him but... but if something better came along I'd probably stop sleeping with him altogether in favor of the other man. Except I kind of worry about what that would do to our friendship, now.

So. Yeah. I'm off for a play date.

More talk.

I got up to let the dogs go out 3 hours after I'd gone to bed only to discover that Keith was back online. So I let the dogs back in... and stayed up chatting with him. And he turned on his cam. And I turned on my cam. And one thing led to another.

Husband was awake, sitting on the couch behind me, facing the opposite way watching TV. I wanted to cum so bad... but he was there... and if I started masturbating to someone else... well... he'd either interrupt to take over (which would have been more annoying than anything) or perhaps insulted that I was sitting over here basically fucking myself silly for someone else. While he was around. Of course, this didn't stop me from fucking Martin that night. But that is hardly the point.

So I slipped my dildo quietly up the leg of my shorts and into my pussy and just let it fill me as I rocked and wiggled on it, unable to hold still. I could feel the wetness forced out on my thighs, slick and damp. Eventually husband headed upstairs to go back to bed and I was free to finally fuck myself silly. Instead I broke out the hitachi magic wand and made myself cum in my pants, sitting with my dildo still buried inside me.

I sat reading the words that Keith sent me, watching him on the cam... remembering the feel of him over me... loving watching him as he fucked me... my memories morphing the reality into fantasy. And then I came. And came. And came. Five short little orgasms all in a row. None of them completely satisfying, each of them intense and shockingly wonderful. After I was done I sat there in shock. Could I have just had my first ever multiple orgasm? Is that what that was? Or what? I immediately went searching and yes, apparently that counts as a multiple. Fuck yeah. I adore milestones like this. Adore them. I may never have another again... but even just having had ONE... wow. I told Keith and he seemed unimpressed. I was disappointed. Didn't he realize he turned me on so much that I had my first fucking multiple EVER? He didn't, really.

I thought about that a while later as I drifted off to sleep and I realize that unless you're THERE for it... it's really not all that exciting. I mean, not the same way.

After I had my multiple I sat, my dildo still inside, and talked to him for a while and realized... huh... I needed to cum again. So I started playing with my dildo and he noticed. "Are you doing it again?" I laughed. I had no idea it was so obvious. Several minutes later, watching him watching me... touching himself... and touching myself I had an incredible single orgasm to follow up the multiple I'd just enjoyed. I sat there afterward, shaking with reaction. And then I started crying. Uncontrollably. There's something about that build up... that perfect pressure on my gspot... my attraction to my lover... and that intense orgasm that just comes together to make me a teary mess.

So there I sat, shaking and crying (and laughing, too) watching him finish himself off and thinking how fucking awesome my body is for being capable of these intense sensations. And thinking how very much I miss him.

I need to find someone else like him. Only much more local.

Screw it all.

So I ran into Keith online today. That was... eventful to say the least. We had a really long conversation. One of those conversations that convinces me we're better suited than I allow myself to believe. Whatever the case, it was a good conversation. I gave him the address to this blog, even.

The thing about that is that... well... I've never really given it to the people that MATTER... I mean... no offense to anyone I "know" who reads this but there's a huge difference between most people and the people I've already admitted to being in love with. I was nervous letting him read. I didn't want to. But... you know... fuck it. If it was enough to change his mind about me... then let it be. It'd save me a lot of heartache. Unfortunately, it didn't.

Granted a lot of what I've written about him has been complimentary to the extreme. However, even a little bit of criticism can be blown out of proportion... and he didn't do that, shockingly. Not at all. Took it to heart, even. And as he sat there commenting to me on what I'd written I thought "oh... fuck... this isn't making my adoration of him lessen at ALL." So yeah. Not better.

On the other hand conversation turned toward our "relationship" and what it could or would be. And there's certainly no question for either of us that the answer is "nothing more than it is right now" and yet... there's always that... hope. Hidden deep away. That maybe this... this is the man... but... no... I talked about that before.

So we ended the conversation on a light note but really... it just hurt. To wonder about the possibilities... and to not be able to answer my heart's questions. He'll find someone else, I'm sure. He's that kind of a guy. And I'll be thrilled for him. And my heart will quietly break just a little. Or maybe it'll all just fade away like I imagine it will. Like it can. Without care and attention...

Part of me thinks we should just break off all contact. But a huge chunk of me cries out at the very idea. Not yet... please... not yet....

Martin texted me asking me to come over. So when Keith left to do his daily activities I decided to go see Martin. Except he didn't really mean it. He did originally... but not so late... though he still suggested it would be okay... but it wasn't. He did come online and let me bitch for a while about how torn I feel. And realize that even talking to him I'm no further along in knowing what the fuck to do with myself. I informed him that he is by far the WORST fairy godmother EVER.


So I ended up having a fairly lengthy chat with Martin, too. And I finally had to ask him how come he doesn't go down on me anymore. And I couldn't. I literally could not BREATHE. And that was just trying to TYPE the fucking question. I had to stop. I just... couldn't do it. And I apologized him him whole heartedly for telling him I was going to ask a question and then NOT. Finally he was ready to go offline and I thought "fuck... if I can't ask Martin this one little question how the FUCK am I going to proposition Nils?!?" So I came out with it. After qualifying the hell out of the question I asked. And then I laughed myself silly and started crying. Just a little. Because it is, in memory, the hardest question I've ever asked in my life. I don't know how or why but it's absolutely the case.

And he responded "silly girl, it wasn't anything intentional, if you want that, by all means I can be there." Except... you know... now that I had to ask it's like "fuck... don't do me any favors then, ass." because you know... I go down on him because it's a pleasure. The idea of NOT taking him into my mouth given the opportunity... that'd be an intentional choice to NOT give him pleasure. So where the fuck is that from him? I NEVER make him ask because I know he's sensitive about that and I also know I like to do it... so where the fuck is that sensitivity from him towards me?!? Yeah, so I'm irritated at him. Not fatally so. I decree he may live another day. But god damn. It was close.

So it's about 4 AM and I'm tired. My brain is slowly going numb and I just can't THINK anymore. Except of the idea of snuggling into Keith's waiting arms. Which just isn't going to happen....

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this after I wake up.

Wow.

Twiddlybits just up and disappeared. Altogether. And completely.

I'm retarded.

I know this. I accept this. But god damn. Nils came in. And I thought "I gotta fuck this guy." Except I could only think it because my coworker was hanging around and he didn't stick around long enough for her to leave. He did tell us (me?) that he'd be gone until Tuesday because he gets FOUR days off. Luckily, I get three so I'm not going to cry too much. He mocked me about the joke I told him the other day. He mocks me merciliously about it.

So, I told him another one. "What's brown and sticky?" He gazed at me for a long moment "I don't think I want to know if it's gross." Which is pretty much the same reaction I had the first time I heard that joke. The moment of pause EVERYONE has when they first hear the joke. "A stick," I replied. And then I giggled because it's probably my favorite joke ever. "What KIND of stick?" he asked. I stared at him. Of course he was missing the point. He left shortly after as I giggled about my joke some more and my coworker mocked me for my pirate joke from the other day.

After he left I looked down at the counter to discover he'd left behind the key to the company car. I picked it up and gazed at it thoughtfully. "Should I chase him down?" I asked my coworker. "Naw" she said. Within a minute he was back for it. "Did I leave a key here?" he asked. I was holding the key up in front of me as he asked. "No," I said, still holding the key out. He glanced at it and took it from me. "Thanks!" and left. Looking back... I SHOULD have chased after him. It would have been another of my (many) chances to tell him that I want him....

No one else really "good" came in the rest of the night. I was praying for Sam to make an appearance but he didn't. I'm not sure if I scared him away or what... but I keep hoping for his hotness to appear in the store again. Maybe next week. Hopefully I manage NOT to get my hopes up so completely next time.

Which reminds me. I was watching my Christmas porn (one of my gifts from husband) and one of the actors got naked and I thought "my god... I bet that's EXACTLY what Sam looks like naked!" For some reason I can't quite picture Nils naked. The bulletproof vest and uniform mock my attempts to envision what, exactly, is underneath....

More boys....

Yesterday as I was working on stocking a display Cade came in. I smiled and said "hi" to him and continued to stock the display. Then I paused for a second "hey... what're you doing here? Today's your day off." So he told me that he's out of school for the time being and agreed to work some overtime. Nice. We talked for a few moments more and he did his shopping and left. I'm not sure but I just think I ruined things with Cade by telling him I'm married. Which is okay, I wouldn't lie about it... but it is disappointing. He's cute. If white bread.

Later on, last night I was working on something in the computer and Nils walked in. I glanced at him and went back to what I was doing but then stopped and stared. "What're you doing here?" I asked him. He looked up at me vaguely surprised at the question. "You're off today." It seemed to be my litany. He went on to tell me that they'd changed his schedule. I sighed heavily, "what's the point in memorising your schedule if they're just going to up and change it?" I asked. So he told me his new schedule. Monday through Friday. Which means I'll be craving weekends off even MORE.

Knowing he'd be there tomorrow (but apparently off for a four day weekend this weekend) I traded to close tonight. Because I'm that pathetic. And I really need my sleep since I'm still recovering from being sick. That's what I tell them anyway.

I talked to Nils a little. He mocked me for the cop joke I told him and he told me "what's funny about being derogatory toward police?" I smiled "what was derogatory about THAT joke?" "The pig reference." I laughed. "Hey, there's a guy who comes in here-" "There's always a guy isn't there?" "Ahem. There's a guy who comes in here who calls himself that. So THERE. Plus, the DARE officer in my high school-" "what?" "The DARE officer-" "DARE?! Like the anti drug thing?" "Yeah. DARE. Everyone knows DARE. Anyway I had him sign my year book-" "You had him sign your year book?" I considered telling him "yeah, he was WAY hot." But kept my mouth shut. Of course, he WAS way hot. But Nils doesn't need to know that. "He was nice," I said," he drew a picture of a pig in my year book and I couldn't figure out WHY at first...." He mocked the police man for a few moments and I flipped him off. "Thanks for that," he said. I smiled tenderly. Eventually he left as I giggled at him.

Sam didn't come in and I was disappointed. However, a cute Nebraska boy has been making regular appearances. He's nice and I'm starting to think he might be a fun toy to take to bed. Although he's only like... 21. So whatever. Plus he can't host so nothing would come if it anyway. But it'd be fun to make out with him....

Slow Going

So I was chatting up this guy whom I'll likely never sleep with. Intelligent, well hung... all those things I kind of like... but... no real connection. However we were chatting and I got to talking about exactly what I wrote about in my last post. My desire to be more vocal and more honest in bed. I swear if I ever manage to jump Nils' bones I want that man to absolutely adore what I do to him in bed... and I want to adore what he does to me if I have to beg borrow and plead with him to do what I need him to do.

Anyway, among the things I'm nowhere near asking for... oral. Oh man. The idea just makes me want to cringe. Actually ASKING for that. Nooooooooooooooooooo. So I was thinking about it and about the fact that Martin hasn't done it for me in a long time. And I was considering that maybe (just maybe) since he likes a more expressive woman in bed he might just be waiting to see if I'll request it. On the otherhand, he claimed (early on) that he'd NEVER ask for oral sex... and he's been amazingly demanding (silently) about the subject. I never do make him ask. I do it because I want to. He claimed to feel the same way... but the fact that he's stopped makes me wonder.

Now, you may be thinking that I'm a damned fool and just need to ask him why he stopped... but that'd be the same asking asking for him to go down on me and the idea mortifies me. I just... can't... yet.

On the other hand, if Keith were here I'd jump his bones and beg him to put his tongue in my cunt. Somewhere along the way I lost my shame when it comes to Keith. Maybe it was the moment I felt his tongue in my ass. Whatever it was... I knew Keith wasn't someone to bother trying to hide my desires from.

Martin certainly started the revolution, Keith was an excellent example of where I want to go and also how much further I need to go... so where will this go? What am I going to become? And will Nils really get to enjoy the fruits of my labor?

So many thoughts for the middle of the night. It's bed time now. Maybe I'll dream of the answers.

Also, tenative date set for me and Martin to play "sometime" this weekend. I need something more from him than I've been getting these last few times. I gotta figure out what the fuck it is... and then make him give it to me. Because god damn I need to be fucked.

A lesson

Keith was online this morning (last night for him). So we chatted a bit. Flirting and generally working one another into a lather. After he went offline I finished getting ready for work... and ended up masturbating myself to a rather exquisite orgasm. Of course I wanted to be fucked instead, but I'm willing to take the hit.

Anyway, one of the things we talked about was what we really enjoyed about the sex we had. I was complaining about the fact that I was sad because he's not MINE and I asked him if he had any idea how sad that makes me. He responded with "about as sad as the fact you are one of the few girls who are forward with what they want, and provide input." I was utterly confused for a few minutes. Until I remembered.

Right about the time I was seeing Keith I had just seen Martin and Martin had been somewhat insistent that I be more vocal about what I wanted from him. At the same time I'd been reading a book about talking sexy in bed which very much emphasized how to speak to one's lover and ask for what you want without being threatening about it. It was really helpful. Something I'm going to pour over again, maybe.

So between Martin's insistence that I be more helpful and the book's urging that I speak up I went out on a limb with Keith and asked for what I wanted from him. It wasn't easy and I wasn't particularly comfortable doing it... but he didn't know that. And apparently it's one of the things about me that was a huge turn on to him.

I guess that should be a lesson to me (and to other women) that despite the way my brain rebels at the idea... speaking up in bed (and out) about what it is I really want... well... it's fucking cat nip to men.

Stupid Stupid Stupid!

So today kind of sucked. Just a bit. Not too much. It was time for me to go home and no sign of Nils. What's wrong with that guy? So of course I was sad. But I went home anyway... my eyes straying around the parking lot in the vain hope that he would be there.

Once I got home I decided I'd head out and buy some new pants. I'm running out of pants, you see. For one reason or another. On my way back who should I run into but Nils? Nils sitting guard at a gate of all things. I showed him my access ID and he said "we're still friends even though I had to check your ID" he told me. And I immediately thought "but it's not your FRIEND I want to be!" and didn't SAY IT! I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY IT! Instead I HAD to get my joke out. The one I'd been saving for him for days. I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM. But I DIDN'T! Because I'm STUPID!

But it was fucking awesome to see him. And I'm hard pressed not to find an excuse to go back that way... and then come back this way... just to see him again. Except much as I want him to know I want him... I don't think I want him to think of me as a stalker. So I'll stay home. And beat myself about the head and shoulders for being so fucking stupid....

Dream and Hair

This morning at 4:41 I woke up from a dream about the mummy. From, of course.... The Mummy (and The Mummy Returns). I was, of course, the female lead. I was breifly the male lead, but ultimately, I was the female. It was really a frightening dream involving a mummy/Aliens character chasing us around a maze made of sand. The maze was two stories tall and only wide enough for one person to move shoulders held at an angle. On certain parts of the first story there was sand on four sides, leaving those in the maze only forward and back. On other parts there was open air above. Everything was very dark with only the slightest illumination.

Upon entrance the maze began to MOVE (a la Alien vs Predator) but I think my brain found that to be too taxing to maintain so the maze stopped moving. I ran into the enemy a few different times but was able to lose him and by the end of the dream he was merely an unseen looming threat rather than something chasing me. So, instead I began to focus on figuring a way out of the maze which involved actually escaping to the top of the maze and getting my ass OUT of there rather than trying to avoid the enemy.

I woke up as I had escaped the maze and was trying to figure out how to save the male lead from wandering the maze, too.

I figure the dream's message goes back to something I figured a few days ago. I have a "problem" which I find too absolutely huge and frightening. I know there's a way to deal with it but the complexities of it are too much for me as a whole. Therefore, rather than thinking about the ultimate goal I'm working on dealing with what's set in front of me and what the next step will be, figuring that eventually I'll pass or fail but it won't be because I stood terrified. At least I'll be moving and THINKING.

Of course, this could also have something to do with Nils. With dealing with that's in front of me and letting rejection (and whatever OTHER horrors might await) be whatever threats they might be... but still doing my part. Or you know... it could be just a dream. Or all three.

Meanwhile, I swear I mentioned that Nils has gone and grown a mustache. In fact I know I did. He does NOT, however, look like one of the village people. I did ask him when I saw him exactly why he'd chosen to grow this mustache and he replied that he just felt like he needed some kind of a change, something "different" in his life. I'm not sure what the deal with the facial hair is on that particular police force but it may be that their rules follow those of the military. The military only allows for mustaches (which have their own set of rules) in their general populace. Therefore, if a guy wants facial hair... he has one choice. Nils was, of course, military before he joined the police ranks (and is still reserves) so he's been limited a long time....

I'm off work on Friday which means if I don't see him tonight... I don't get to see him this week. I'm sad. I might still switch to working the next two nights on the off chance that I'll see Sam. However, I'm far less obsessed with seeing him than I am with seeing Nils. On the other hand ALL of the men I'm currently obsessed with come in during the evenings....

Stupid day.

The entire office area around the store was closed. There was no one. No one realised that the store was even open. So we made less than 1/5 what we usually make in a day and less than 1/3 of what we usually make on even a holiday. BORING. Nils break time came and went with no sign. I very nearly asked someone where the heck he was but ended up having to take a phone call instead just as I'd started speaking. How utterly disappointing.

At one point one of the local cops came in and I thought for a second it was Nils and my heart started pounding like you wouldn't believe... but no.... So I was WAY too happy to see this other cop because I'd been so sure he was Nils. But that's okay. I played it off as just being happy to have a CUSTOMER.

Meanwhile, I ran into Keith online this morning. He appologized for having been ignoring me for the last week and swore it wasn't intentional. Whatever. What matters is that I heard from him again. And he told me that in a few months he'd be back in the general area (although it sounded like perhaps another state) and he'd like me to come see him. I'd be willing to take some vacation to go spend time with him. Oh, yes. I adore Keith. Adore him, I say.

Tomorrow...?

I was in bed, half asleep. Maybe I was asleep. But thinking. And I realized that tomorrow I will be working. And Nils will be working. The store will be mostly empty thanks to the fact that most of the people in the area will have the day off. Just like it has been all week.

And maybe, just maybe, Nils will come in late enough that I'll have the store "to myself." And maybe tomorrow will be the day I need to come out and just SAY what I'm thinking about him. Because if he comes in at the right time there truly won't be a better time for me to tell him how very much I want him.

Maybe.

So as I lay there I was doing some creative visualization. I might need to do more of that. Get some words in my head. So I have no excuse for keeping my silence. Well, I'll always have an excuse but I'll KNOW I have the words. And it'll make it easier for me to speak them. Maybe....

Irritating.

I'm still sick. Except it's pretty much down to a runny nose and a cough. A great hacking cough with no purpose except to keep me from sleeping. I hate that.

I've written a couple of messages to Keith in the last two weeks. And been completely ignored. He's not on when I write them. But I can't help but be hurt that he gets them and ignores them. I guess I understand. But not really.

I watched Anchorman which Keith thought I ought to watch because it's funny. It really is pretty funny. But I was vaguely embarassed for him that he used a reference from the movie during sex. Yes, DURING sex. I had no idea at the time. Looking back I should have smacked him. Because it was funny. But so wrong. Also, he actually got the quote WRONG. But I forgive him. Cuz... you know... it was during sex.

But yeah. I woke up thinking about him again. About the sex. I'm such a size queen and he felt so freakin' good inside me. I need me a big dicked man. But... you know... really good in bed like him.... No one trick pony.....

Stolen Meme..

I stole this from Margaritaville.

The goal is to take the first sentence from the first entry of each month for the year and post it again. It's the lazy woman's new years eve wrap up..... Oh, and I cheated at least once by using two sentences.

January:
I'd like to send a shout out to Kathy of http://kathysaffair.blogspot.com/ for linking to me (and I notice a lot of other people, but most importantly she linked to ME).

February:
I'm tired and have a lovely headache.

March:
It's fairly clear to me that I'm slowly becoming a bit of a kinkster.

April:
I'm spending much time in contemplation of God of War... so much so that my forearms are somewhat sore.

May:
I'm one of those people who likes to think.

June:
Yeah, okay. So I don't care for the song but somehow it sticks in my head.

July:
I have this obsession with zombies.

August:
I tend to do stupid things.

September:
Two week vacation starts today.

October:
Last night I got some wicked cramps.

November:
There's this guy. (Isn't there always this guy?) This customer. And I lust after him.

December:
I went to jury duty today.

Want Two?

Earlier I posted about how I really should just up and tell Nils that I want him. That I think he's the hottest thing I've seen in years and I crave his nakedness. That I should tell him to take it completely off the record and not hold it against me.

And I was thinking. Today was the PERFECT chance for me to have done that. And I didn't.

I'm retarded.

Joke

I ended up mopping for a while today. And as I mopped I thought "aye... I'm swabbin' the decks!" And then I thought of a joke someone told me a few years ago. "Why are pirate jokes so funny?" "They just AAAAAAARRRRRR!" And I started laughing hysterically as I mopped. So I went on to tell the jokes throughout the day.

When Nils came in I was thrilled. Except... sometime in the last couple of weeks when I've only seen him in his ski mask he grew a mustache. Which shocked me. And turned me off. Until I started considering it. The guy's sexy as hell. And if he wants to grow facial hair... well... all I could think was how DIFFERENT it would feel against my thighs.... So then, while I think he's way hotter without it, I couldn't help but enjoy the idea of him WITH it....

Of course, I'm still sick. I still look vaguely crappy. My voice is husky to the point of being masculine. I just don't look or feel the way I WANT to when he's around. But I ended up helping him anyway. Trying to find excuses to be near him. And maybe there was a little of that from him, too....

I ended up ringing him up as my coworker went out to another part of the store to do something. Well out of hearing range. I told him my joke. "...are you serious?" He asked blankly as I asked the set up question. I smiled "Of course I'm serious. No, it's a joke." "Ah... why?" "Because they just AAAAAAAAAAARRRRR" I told him and cracked myself up, yet again.

He smiled politely and I gazed longingly at him as he said "okay... I've got one. But... well... you know some people you can ask if they get offended and they'll say they won't and then they DO... but I figure you and I have talked... and you SEEM like someone who won't get offended so if I DO offend you let me know and I'll NEVER talk to you again...." I nearly burst out "I want to fuck your brains out. Now who's offended?" But kept my mouth politely shut, merely nodding my agreement.

He went on to ruin a perfectly funny joke. So here it is, better:
man walks in with a sheep under his arm, looks at his wife and says "this is the pig I've been having sex with".
His wife says, " That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The man says, "I was talking to the sheep, not you."

I laughed and thought it was cute... but I was looking for a play on the word "ewe" for some reason. *sigh* I over think things. Anyway, he then went on to add "if we were say... in a bar... and not here... at your work... and I wasn't at work... and wasn't a police officer... and you weren't a lady... I would have maybe used different wording...." I gazed at him blankly and he explained where he'd changed the line from "fucking" to "having sex with" and I laughed at him. "Because I take that stuff SO seriously," I told him.

But I was thinking about meeting him in a bar somewhere. Somewhere no one knows either of us... and what it would be like to sit next to him on a stool, leaning close to talk. As he was talking I never once stopped gazing into his beautiful eyes... and imagining....

For some reason, and I think it was BEFORE this part of the conversation, we were talking about drinking and he told me "I NEVER drink water... stuff's bad for you. You never know what's in it" as he bought his sugar-free energy drink. I smiled at that as he added "just lots of hard liquor and beer. Liquor and beer."

Which then brought me to wondering not just what it would be like to go out with him... but also to get him drunk. What kind of stories would he tell? What kind of banter would we have? And how would he fuck?

I'm still obsessed with him. I still adore his self control. I find him incredibly sexy. But now I think maybe he's a boyscout. A really fucking sexy boyscout. I'd like him to practice his knots on me....

Metal.

I have a metal barbell with little metal ends in my tongue. I'm used to being able to idly chew on the plastic ends. I keep having visions of intentionally biting down (hard) on the metal (like I never did with the plastic) and shattering a tooth. That's not a very nice thought. I'll have to change it out.

Although I must say. There is something incredibly sexy about a person (okay the man I saw) who had a simple metal stud in his tongue. He wasn't playing with it. He wasn't trying to draw attention to it. It spoke for itself. And it was way hot. I want to be hot in that way, too. Except I'm so not. Usually.

I remain sick. In fact I can't believe how sick I still was yesterday. Not that I'm suddenly little miss health or anything... but I'm markedly better. And just because I said that I'm sure to backslide. I have that great hacking cough and a nice runny nose (with sinus pain). So fuckin' sexy. I still kind of want to die to make the sick end. But I'll work on making it through the day.....

Oh Delightful

I'm still sick. I hate this. Based on my symptoms I'm probably going to hold onto this illness for a good long time. With a nice hacking cough. I love hacking coughs. They're so fucking HOT.

Meanwhile, I'll probably get to see Nils tomorrow. I'm thrilled about that. But not when I'm sick. And I am still sick. Running a mild fever off and on. I'm miserable. Utterly miserable.

I still haven't heard from Keith. You'd think I'd stop caring. But I do still care. It's gradually growing to be less important though, thankfully. Somewhat....

The Call of...

masturbation. I'm sick. But, I'm still horny. I still want to fuck. But I'm just not up to it. But laying on my back with a book in one hand and my clit in the other? Not too hard to pull off.

I'm tired. Medicated. Nyquil is my new bestest friend. And my orgasms are stunning. They leave me dizzy in their midst. I can literally feel my head and the room spin as I cum. And I lay there afterward in a heavy, dream-like space, breathing hard utterly relaxed.

Sick.

I'm so sick right now. I took an advil cold and sinus so I wouldn't feel completely miserable and then we went to the store to stock up on various other cold remedies and some dinner for husband.

I got dressed, grabbed the car keys, checked on my wallet and cell phone and headed out with husband. As we went through the checkout stand I realised I didn't have my wallet. It's not unheard of for my wallet to go leaping out of my pocket so I was a little concered. This is exactly how I lost my wallet just before having to fly to my FIL's funeral.

So, I went back out to the car and looked for it. But I couldn't find it. Further searches showed that I had my military ID in the car and my debit card loose in my back pocket. I decided not to freak out. At home I looked for my wallet again. And found it. In my purse. Where I'd looked at it previously. And promptly forgotten it.

Being sick makes me stupid.

Unreciprocated.

One of the things that starting to irritate me about sleeping with Martin is that much as the sex used to be great and was everything I wanted... he's stopped giving me head. At all. He's not making motions toward it, he's barely even touching me. He's fallen prey to the mistaken belief that since he can't make me cum... he might as well not even try. Which is not just great.

I feel like I should have a conversation with him about it. But what the fuck conversation do I need to have with my lover on the side which says "hey, you're not really trying anymore and it's pissing me off." He's supposed to be my LOVER. Not my HUSBAND. And it makes me mad.

Last time husband and I engaged in any sort of sexual play he actually did an amazingly better job than Martin has done lately. And it irritates me. Because Martin's like... JOB... is to please me. Husband's job is to ignore MY needs in favor of his. So, yeah. The reversal doesn't amuse me. Especially since Martin has been available while husband remains sexually reticent as ever.

So, yeah. Here I am. Irritated with Martin. Irritated with husband. And absolutely irritated with the various men who contact me via the sex site I've joined. I'm not sure why I think that the men I'm likely to meet on a sex site are supposed to be actually... you know... good in bed and sexy... but god damn it. Keith was both of those things. I want another Keith. Only this one much more local.

I haven't heard from Keith this week at all. I ought to get over him. The distance and being ignored certainly helps with that. He's clearly no prince to ignore me the way he's doing. And yet... well... he wasn't the first thing I thought of this morning. Or even throughout the day. This is an improvement.

Also... Im still sick. And bitter. And I work tomorrow. I won't get to see Nils because he should be off work. No Cade, either. Which leaves me with Wade, maybe. And getting to tell him I had a dream about him. Maybe. Maybe I'll tell him....

So tired...

I went and saw Martin tonight. I think we spent about three hours together. It seemed like far less. I felt closer to him tonight. The sex was good.

Unfortunately, my throat is feeling sore. I feel run down. I think I may be coming down with something. It's entirely possible I was generous enough to share it with Martin. The worst part being if Martin catches what I have he has to stay away from his real girlfriend due to some health issue she currently has. So I feel crappy because I was starting to wonder if I had something and it was only after sleeping with him that I really thought "no, seriously... I might be getting sick." Or maybe I'm just allergic (no excuse me, sensitive) to cum.

No, I'm probably getting sick. That sucks.

I still miss Keith.

Dream

I had a dream about Wade last night. I'm not sure why. We were in the store. The store had a big bed behind a display. I was laying on it and he joined me and we ended up kissing a lot. Things were getting surprisingly hot and heavy. I hadn't expected Wade to be quite so good with his mouth and hands. I was really starting to want him badly.

And then my co-worker called to me and told me "you can't CHEAT on your husband." I leaned into Wade's ear and told him about my marriage but kind of gestured toward my coworker telling him we need to stop, at least in front of her. He told me we should get together at his hotel room which was nearby, and left leaving me to think of the intimacy of his kisses and caresses.

I'm not going to be looking at Wade the same way next time I see him....

Plans

I messaged Martin that I wanted to see him tomorrow. He told me that I could have him for the evening. Oh, delight. Hours of his company. Tomorrow certainly has some potential.

I heard from Keith, too. Only breifly. He was on his way to work, the day after Christmas since they're hours ahead. "I didn't get what I wanted" for christmas, he told me. I didn't get to ask him what it was he wanted. I like to think it was me....

I didn't get what I wanted, either. Keith was high on my list. I woke up thinking about him. I lay in bed and fingered my gspot and clit bringing myself to the edge of orgasm several times before stopping. I didn't want to cum. I wanted Keith. I had the most amazing shower, too. Hot and relaxing. I love feeling the heated water streaking down my skin in rivlets like my lover's fingers. I thought of Keith. We never showered together. But I would have liked to.

The day has come and is almost gone now. Keith is at work. Martin has gone to bed. Husband, too.

I got a new Emma Holly book. More hot bi-male threesome action. Exactly what I like. I masturbated to it, giving myself the orgasm I'd been waiting all day for. It was well worth the wait.

I wonder if I'll wake up with thoughts of Keith again, tomorrow?

Last time...

Occasionally there are details of my sex life that I hold back. Recent posts about my encounters which are quickly followed up with somewhat more detailed posts about the same incident should make that clear. Sometimes in my excitement to get through the story I fail to mention the details. I could probably go on at length making an evening's sexual play take a whole evening to read as I disect each touch and how it made me feel.

I was also reflecting on a relatively recent entry in PussyTalk in which our author informs us that while she found that being spanked is as sexy and erotic as she'd hoped... having discovered that her lover was doing it for the "wrong" reasons she was finding the entire situation to be less erotic.

I met Martin in the kitchen and he took me in his arms. His lips found mine and we kissed. Martin has very sexual, sensual lips and he's very good at teasing and tempting me with his tongue. As we broke apart my mind was immediately overwhelmed with images of our first night together, standing in the same place. I smiled up at him and said "ah, I seem to remember this place...."

He glanced around for a second, looking vaguely confused and then his eyes snapped back to mine. "Oh, DO you? You mean like..." and he pushed me back against the wall and began to kiss me again, just like the first time. Which actually caught me off guard because I was merely commenting on the familiarity not looking for a duplication. And then it disappointed me because it seemed so obvious that he was doing this in a misguided attempt to please me and not really for BOTH of us or even for his OWN pleasure.

I can't really even begin to describe what it was that I didn't like about the situation. But there was certainly something that held me back and took me away from what should have been a very pleasurable moment. And all I can do is reflect on that post on PussyTalk and think "...that's just it...."

Crap.

The thing is... I hate working at that store. Not MY store. Oh, no. I love working at my store. I like less working at the other store which is technically my store. But I HATE working at THAT store. That OTHER store. Where I used to work. Oh lord god do I hate it. And I'm on loaner to them for Christmas Eve and of course earlier today.

There is NOTHING less sexy than listening to a senior citizen whine like a five year old over something I have no control over. And then have him get bitchy when I apologize for his inconvenience which was never my fault in the first place. I wanted to kick him.

Sexy day it was NOT. I missed out on seeing Nils who is so much my reason for going to work some days. I even made a special trip to my store just in case I might run into him. But I never did. And it's sad.

Meanwhile, I haven't heard from Keith. The last I heard from him was that he was back home in his foreign country and "back in reality." So maybe he's already been able to acknowledge the pleasure we had together was something more of a "vacation" romance. Myself... I'm not there yet. I still miss and crave him.

I fear some part of me always will. And I'll never experience anything quite like it ever again. I've long maintained that love is different every time, and each time something about it is unique and memorable. So forgetting him? Probably not. But hopefully I can stop being vaguely obsessed.

Nils could help with that....

No one to tell.

I'm going to say it now. What I haven't really said to anyone. Not this honestly.

I'm in love with Keith. Two nights. A couple of short conversations. And I'm in love.

Yes, I know. It's not real love. What kind of love can develop over the course of two nights? We had conversations and they flowed. We know something about one another. But not enough. And yet. Here I sit. In love with him. He's my first thought in the morning, now. And I think of him often during the day.

I know it will fade. I know things will go back to normal. My desire for Keith certainly doesn't mean I don't desire other men. But my desire for them has a certain pallor, now. I crave Nils and even Sam... but some of it is habit. I'm used to wanting them. But I feel like I could put it aside so easily. And let my love for Keith flow over me, filling me to the brim. No room for more.

The other night I came with husband, Keith was who I was thinking of. Keith with his adventurous tongue and strong hands. I came with Keith, really, husband was just an instrument to give physicality to my dreams.

I know it'll fade. I tell myself to stop basking in the fantasy and recognize that no one is perfect. That no man will ever be EXACTLY what I'm looking for. That the grass is always greener and always will be. He invited me to come to him, several times. Maybe he didn't mean it. It's just pillow talk. But the words have stuck.

It's easy to say that if I were single I'd be there with him now. A grand adventure. But in truth, I'd probably stay quietly here, pining just as I am now, for a love I cannot have.

I also know that much as I desire to be with him, I could never do it as the unwhole person I am now. I told him I couldn't leave husband to be with him. I also told him he shouldn't want me to, because what kind of person would DO that? I can't see myself going to be with Keith with less than a completely clear conscience that my current relationship holds nothing for me. And I'm not there. Not even kind of.

And so I sit here, trying to mend things with Husband. Trying to make our marriage be something I can comfortably and confidently live with. But back behind all that is a desire to make it fail. To make good solid reasons for things to end between us.

The frustrating part being that the dark part of me is the very reason I can't leave. Because so long as it's there, I will always know that I was the ultimate reason for our failure.

tongue 

I love this photo. I really love the way the blue of my ball plays against the pink of my lips and tongue. And I absolutely adore how well this photo works against my blog's background. Damn. I love this photo.

Whatever may be...

Today the Greek god came to visit again. Well, shop, I suppose. I ended up having a long talk with him about his job and his last job and all that. He's really quite cute. Just before he came in another customer came in. So after I talked to the Greek god for a while he wandered to another part of the store and the first customer approached. "Is that your boyfriend?" He asked. I glanced over at the Greek god and very nearly answered "no, but he should be!" but instead said "...no. I'm married." I began ringing up his purchases and he said something about the fact that "well, I guess since you're HAPPILY married I won't say anything... cuz I was going to say something." I didn't respond at all. It was very odd.

But it got me to thinking about the Greek god in a way I maybe shouldn't bother. He does have a wedding ring, after all.

It was odd having a guy come on to me. Or even try. But it was nice to be able to kind of shut him down without being super rude about it, either. Thank god.

No sign of Nils today (which I knew was going to be the case). Also no sign of Sam. AGAIN. And since I don't work tomorrow and open Friday I won't get to see Sam until at LEAST next week. What kind of shit is THAT, I say? As for Nils... I'm not convinced I'll see him, either. Dammit. I'm terribly sad.

The low point of the day was husband telling me that, basically, he may get kicked out of the military in as few as 4 months because he's going to refuse to reenlist which means refusing his next assignment and the penalty for refusal is removal. So. Yeah. I'm not thrilled. But whatever will be will be....