Earlier this evening husband looked over at me as I sat at the computer quietly tap-tap-taping at my keyboard. "We haven't been on a date in a long time," he told me. I turned around to stare at him. "...what?" I asked, confused. "A date. We haven't been on a date in a long time." I continued to stare at him trying to make sense of his words. "...umm... I'm pretty sure we just had a date on Friday," I told him. He stared at me blankly so I added "we went out to dinner...?" His expression changed, "Oh. Well. That was less than a week ago." "Yeah," I agreed. "Well... do you want to do something again on Friday?" I shrugged, "sure. like what?" "I don't know." "okay, how about you get off your ass and think of something if you want to go on a date, dork." Because that's just how much I love him.
Contempt is considered the number one indicator of the failure of a relationship. I have contempt. Some days more than others.
As I tucked him into bed I stared at him and we did a pathetic version of a snuggle. I considered talking to him about Keith. About all my crazy mixed up (and oh so clear) feelings about the other man. And I looked at husband and considered out history together. Almost 7 years.
How do I tell him "hey, there's this guy with him I share amazing passion... we're great in bed together and I like talking to him and we talk to one another as much as you and I did back when we first started talking except about different stuff and I keep dreaming about running away to be with him because I'm so attracted to him and to his life and to just the way he is... and yes I DO think a relationship with him is doomed because I just think there are way more differences than similarities and it would become a problem after a while but the whole thing just seems so ROMANTIC and how can I resist that and I do love him but I don't know how much of that is lust pretending to be love and how much of that is my idealized version of this man and well it's been nice knowing you but it's the call of the wild, baby...."
Yeah, okay. So maybe I know in my heart Keith isn't for me. Maybe I know that. Somewhere. And maybe he knows it, too. But how can I resist the attention? The desire I feel for him?
We don't talk about some things. Things I think would certainly keep us from taking things any further in our hearts. Because I think we both know there are things that really MATTER but in different ways to each of us. And that'd ruin the fantasy.
I think too much about Keith. And he about me, maybe.
Maybe I need to think more about Nils, again....
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