Off to bed.

I didn't have time to masturbate this morning. Seems pointless to try for tonight since I took nyquil. Although I DO love those slightly drugged orgasms for the head spinning qualities. I can see why people like to fuck on drugs. Really.

I went to the gym. There was an unfortunate lack of eye candy. Even today at work. What's a girl to do? It was good to workout, again, though. I promised myself I'd go at least 4 days this week, (the week being Saturday-Friday because that's how I roll). I've gone... three? Two? Crap. I've already forgotten. Monday and Tuesday already. So maybe I'll skip a day this week. Maybe after I do a lower body workout since that always takes longer to recover.

I feel surprisingly good. Plus, I don't have to work with the man I've come to loathe, tomorrow. On the plus side of this whole man-I've-come-to-loathe thing, one of my coworkers was there and witnessed the original non-sexual incident that lead to the man I've come to loathe ignoring me. He keeps telling the man I've come to loathe to stop acting like a child and informs that he, too, doesn't care for the laziness exhibited by that man. Which really makes me feel better. Overall. At least I'm not alone in my loathing.

Anyway. Tomorrow I get to take my car to the mechanic because the check engine light came on when I was driving over to see EB the other night. That'll learn me to travel to see guys. Bastards.

Bedtime comes quick. Wish I had something more interesting to say. Another day without sign of Keith. I'm tempted to start counting the days....

Oh the drama.

Today the man I've come to loathe is completely ignoring me.  Worse than yesterday.  In fact, he's going to far as to try to get my coworkers to pretend I don't exist.  It's kind of funny in a pathetic, childish sort of way.

This morning I literally ended up YELLING a question at him to make sure he had heard me and was ignoring me.  Completely.  Later, I got in line to pay for some merchandise.  I waited through four other people and when my turn came he turned around and pointed the customer behind me to the other register rather than even acknowledge me.  So I rang myself up and went to tell my supervisor what's going on.  He went to lunch.  Upon his return he told the other guy (who came in 4 hours after me) that he could go to lunch.  Pretending, once again, that I don't exist.

Which is all the more reason why it's important to NEVER sleep with anyone from work.  Ever.  No matter how good an idea it may seem.  Conveniently, this never struck me as a good idea and unfortunately, my very refusal has clearly caused a problem.  But I'd MUCH rather be in this situation than the alternative, let me tell you....

Ipod pr0n.

It's one of the hardest things ever to be looking for Keith and have him not be there. I do it all the god damned time. And he's never there. I hate even writing about it here because I don't want him to know how badly I miss him or how much I look forward to whatever kind of contact I can have with him. Because it's sad and pathetic. But I love him anyway. I know he's busy and not trying to hurt me... but you know... it doesn't make me miss him less.

Meanwhile, after several hours of a nap I got out of bed and went to the gym. I promised myself I would. I very nearly ended up lying to myself about it but with a little Monster Khaos I got off my ass and went to the gym.

As always I ran into the gym manager and ended up chatting with him a few minutes. I showed him my new color ipod and while we were talking I told him "yeah, I have porn on it." "What?!" he asked. I laughed and said "I do." And he asked what kind. It's one of the Comstock Films podcasts so I found myself a little confused as to how to describe it. Considering the subject matter I finally said "kind of... amateur." Which isn't really accurate but close enough for the situation. At which point he demonstrated that he is NOT a porn aficionado by asking "oh... like they show on HBO." I stared at him, "Umm. No." He asked, "like they don't show the money shot." Or something like that. I thought about it for a second and said "well, I haven't seen one but it is only a clip. It certainly falls in the hardcore category, though." He stared at me vaguely bemused, "your husband must love you." I smiled, maybe looking a little sad and changed the subject.

You'd think he would. You'd think.

Made it through.

I managed to make my way through the morning with the  man I've come to loathe.  It involved us ignoring one another.  The only two people in the store and not a word spoken between us.  I did actually ask him something when first came and and it took three tries before he answered.  Later on I made some offhand comment checking to see if something had been done before and he walked away as if I'd said nothing.  No big deal, but it makes me pretty clear as to what kind of maturity level I'm dealing with.  I can be civil.  I can be downright NICE though he's wronged me at least twice.  And he... he can't be either.  Nice.

However, my boss is here so at least there's someone to talk to.

I notice he doesn't have all that much to say to her, either....

Morning.

Well, I'm up. It's nearing time when I'll have to leave to work in that store I don't really feel like working in with the man I loathe. The store is supposed to open at the exact moment I arrive. I hope to god he's not late opening because the LAST thing I want to do is sit in that store alone with him for even five minutes. I'm NOT looking forward to this morning. Not at all.

Hopefully all this bitterness and disgust will turn out to be wasted time. That'd be just fine with me. Maybe he'll act right. Yeah. Right.

On the positive side I'll get to work with lots of young cuties. Not really my taste but I can get over it. After all, they're only meant to be eye candy. Maybe something to flirt with a little. Good practice.

Dinner last night was fortified pasta (wish it'd been whole wheat) with smoked salmon, a little butter, and olive oil. Breakfast was two eggs with 1/2 a yolk (or less) and two mini-whole wheat bagels. Lots of Omega-3's. Later I'll have more of the smoked salmon/pasta. Is my skin glowing yet? Because you know that's totally the goal. More fish. More omega-3 fatty acids. More bulk, less calories. I'll be pretty, yet....

I admit this much... despite my irritation at having to work with the man I've come to loathe, I'm in a damned good mood. Just wish Keith were around. :-(

Tomorrow... work.

Unfortunately, it's work with the man I've come to loathe. I'll treat him just like a treat all people. But I don't fucking want to go. And I'm almost certainly going to fucking want to hit him. But, hey... maybe not.

At least I'll get off work earlier in the day. I don't like getting up early (and will inevitable sleep through my "extra" hours of daylight) but... well. It'll be nice. I'm not sure when I'm going to work out but... well... I COULD plan it around when Sam is going to be there. But that's just a touch too stalker-ish for my tastes. On the other hand, that's about the time husband (and everyone else) will be there, too. Maybe I'll just wait until late in the evening. After my nap....

Anyway. I'm really glad I got to see EB. Even with my irritating it was so good to be touched affectionately, intimately again.

Is it wrong that I was laying there with EB and imagining being there with Keith?

The other day while fantasizing about being married to Keith (something we were doing at the same time, teasing one another) I mentioned that we'd clearly NOT make a good couple because he goes away quite a bit for his job, being in the military and all. He's not a fan of having an open marriage for himself and I know how I get when I'm alone for too long. I ache to be touched. I need that physical connection. So I'd cheat on him in a heartbeat if he was sent somewhere without me and thus we'd make a terrible couple because he'd not forgive me for that. He told me he'd beat my ass for doing it. And then added that I would feel unbearably guilty about cheating on him, too.

He's right. Honestly, I'd never be able to cheat on him and NOT feel guilty. I feel a sense of guilt seeing the people that I see now and there's no commitment between us. How much worse would it be to be married to him?

...or how much better?

EB- The Significant Bits

After last night's minor meltdown when EB came online I was more than desperate to get out of the house and see another human. The fact that I genuinely like EB and count him as a friend makes it a lot easier to say "yes" to seeing him, though I've put it off a long time.

Because his son was home and because I'm on my period it seemed a good idea to NOT involve sex in the equation. However, the plan was to snuggle and watch a movie. Companionship. Perfect.

Of course it was also about 2am when I got there. But that's neither here nor there. We watched the movie. Most of it. His body pressed against mine. Ah, the warm. I live for body heat. He kept caressing me off and on and I couldn't help but respond. I kept moving against him, unable to resist. He finally kissed me, deepening the kiss quickly and... well... it wasn't too long before there was nudity.

What can I say about all this? I was hard pressed to keep my mouth shut. I hope to god I wasn't being loud in my responses to his touch, I kept clamping my hand over my mouth. Somehow EB figured out my extreme response to my ears being touched, licked, or otherwise stimulated. It's been almost two years since he and I first got together and over a year since the last time... so I forget whether he used to do that or not. However, whatever the case it was... very nice. So either he reads here and can take instruction... or he's at least observant enough to know when he's getting a violently pleasurable reaction and knows to keep doing it....

Of course, since it's my freakin' JOB these days I ended up sucking him off. I mean, not that I resented doing it. Well. Maybe just a tiny bit. But only because there wasn't supposed to be any sex and there he was forcing the issue. Not that I wanted to say "no" but... dammit. You know. Expectations.

I told him I didn't want him to cum in my mouth. I told him I wasn't going to swallow. I looked around for something to drink and commented on the lack. I commented on the fact that he lacked anything for me to spit into since I simply wasn't going to swallow. And he stared blankly at me. So of course he came in my mouth. I could have pulled away, but it seemed unfair. So instead I let it run back out of my mouth onto him since I lacked a lot of options. Then I apologized for the mess and ran to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth.

And be irritated. I hate it when I say specifically that I'm not interested in doing something. And try to come up with SOME kind of alternative... and get ignored. I mean, I wasn't going to leave the guy hanging but... well... he deserved to get spit on for ignoring my concerns. Next time I'll plan better, though.

Afterward I rested before I left and we sat and talked for a while. His face was red and swollen. Clearly very, very tired. No question I didn't look much better. He's funny as hell. I love talking to him. I love hearing his stories. He makes me so comfortable and happy to be around. And I always think what a really wonderful husband he could make someone. A responsible guy who takes care of his responsibilities. A good father. A friend. I'm shocked that in the two years I've known him he hasn't been snatched up. Of course, no one's perfect. But I like him.

Troy Revealed...

I heard from Troy again. He was in Atlantic City, apparently. Drove up there for some weekend fun. And didn't invite me. Right. Well, I know I don't mean anything to him and all but you'd think maybe a night away... together... we get along okay. But no. Nothing. He told me he invited a lot of people who didn't want to come. Not me, though.

I commented on this, mostly teasing, and he made lots of excuses. And I told him to stop because it wasn't that important and I might have refused anyway. He went on to tell me the people in the room above him were having sex. A little later they stopped, which he also told me. I told him I thought that was kind of quick and he told me they'd been going for a good half hour. "okay, kind of quick to me might be different than kind of quick to you," I said. Except he took it to be a jab at him and said "I wasn't that bad was I?"

At this point I realized he was pretty fully aware how disappointed I was in our night together and apologized. I went on to tell him that I really wasn't that disappointed since I at least managed to get off with him which isn't always a sure thing but that, basically when it comes to sex we want different things. He went on to tell me that he'd have sex with me for far longer than he'd had sex with anyone for probably the last ten years. Which made me feel very, very sorry for his wife.

And then he threw this one at me which makes no sense to me: So, I understand your disappointment, but it wasn't all so bad. Besides... with a bunch of foreplay, I probably wouldn't have been so great. Since when does foreplay make a man WORSE in bed?

Anyway. He told me that he really only likes to have sex maybe two times a week and he really liked having sex with me. I told him I really liked making out with him and all that and that I at least took care of him last time. Despite the fact that he CLEARLY enjoys my oral technique he apparently prefers just straight out fucking. And since when is "twice a week" a good amount of sex for two people who are new to each other? I mean, I know I prefer to fuck at least daily (preferably two or three times) with a new lover. Once the shiny wears off, less often is fine. Real life intrudes... but shoot. I've only spent 4 days with him over the last month!

Regardless I sit here now, thinking about all of this and think he's waaay too much like husband. Lazy. More interested in his pleasure than anyone else's. Selfish. Boring. Whatever.

Will I see him again? Maybe. Why? I can't say for sure. Partially because I CAN, maybe. And because he kisses me. And while he's not the touchy feely guy I want... he still touches me more than husband Or maybe not. Who knows? It's not a life altering choice, really but it was interesting to see a little deeper into who he is and realize that maybe husband isn't as weird as I think he is....

Short-ish Before Bed

I was going to bed. But decided to check to see if Keith was around. Alas, he is not. Or he's not admitting to it via messanger. Damn him. However, every minute I spend writing is another minute he has a chance to show up online....

I had a chat with Troy tonight. Very, very interesting. And revealing. And funny. And maddening. All at the same time. Men, I tell you. I will share when I'm awake.

I went to see EB. And he said something about this blog. And I remember giving him the address on a whim after talking about it a few times. And him telling me he doesn't read it and won't. Except I think he's a damned liar, now. I was reasonably sure that he was a damned liar when he said it but promptly forgot about it until he mentioned it today. "You're going to write about me," he said. And inside I had to laugh because a part of my mind really was thinking "how am I going to write about this...?" Except I told him "no I'm not!" Except of course I am now. And will again. After I get some sleep. Less of the gory details and more the stuff that struck me as important at the time. And there were certainly a few things....

A short comment on EB's nickname... it's painfully obvious how and why I came across his nickname if you know him. Initials are hard to miss. I'm sure he would prefer something more catchy and exciting. However, his nickname was one of the first I was forced to come up with and I wasn't very clever back then. Nicknames were less about other people's perceptions and more about keeping people straight in my head. Now... well... I could pick a new one but would I still be able to keep things straight in my head...?

Morning is already here and I wanted to be up a few hours from now. So, I shall adjourn to the bedroom and contemplate all the details in the minute it takes me to pass the fuck out.

More Little Things

Husband and I tend to speed through the mall. Those people who saunter annoy us. We both find ourselves making breaks to the sides, annoyed when we're held up to a slow crawl until we can make our ways around the three-abreast groups. The speed at which we make our way through the mall keeps my eyes always looking for that hole in the throngs. But sometimes, when we get held up, I look around....

I watched a man sitting next to a woman on one of the benches. They were close together. A middle aged couple, maybe husband and wife. He was holding her hand in his, caressing her arm lovingly. I gazed at what he was doing for a moment and wondered what that must be like, to be that adored woman. My eyes locked with his for a half second and I wondered if he could sense my jealousy.

A minute later we found ourselves boxed in, again. My eyes drifted around us. Another couple, standing together talking to someone. His hand rested possessively on the small of her back. Maybe a little on her ass. Intimate. I could feel his hand there on my own back for a moment. That intense awareness of a little thought of body part.

I stopped looking around so much after that.

A while after we got home I found myself overwhelmingly tired. I took my shiny new ipod upstairs, along with a new book and crawled into bed naked, curled up in hot blankets. I cued up all of my Hal Ketchum songs (mostly melancholy) and set to reading. Part way through I realized that what I was doing there was very much what I used to do when I was a teenager. The same author. The same musician. A different book. A different song. A different bed. And yet.. so familiar.

"This isn't how I thought my life would be," I thought to myself. And closed my eyes, imagining someone... Sam, Keith, anyone snuggled with me. Of course my imaginary man took on Keith's visage as they always do. My fantasies so fully taking over the reality that is him. I imagine the way he'd touch me and hold me. In real life he'd probably mock my choice of music and of book. But in my fantasy he understands. He curls himself around me and I inhale his scent, imagining the warmth of his nakedness against me as I find myself distracted from my book, music still in my ears. My lips finding his our bodies pressed close....

I think about Sam and about the way he and I talk. I haven't talked with someone the way I talk to him in a long time. We talk about nothing. And yet... it's something. He's becoming a friend. A beautiful, sexy... friend. Dammit. And yet, I value it. I forget how lonely I am, all my friends having moved so far away.

(I wrote that last paragraph and started to cry. I turned to husband and told him that last bit. And cried harder. He came to hold me and make me laugh a little. I'm still sad. But I feel a little better. Thank god that sometimes, every so often, husband really GETS it.)

This morning I woke up. Horny but dry. In my head I could see myself laying there, reaching out for Keith, who's not so far away. His body hot in sleep, relaxed, available. Mine. I'd uncover him slowly, enough to free his cock, taking it into my mouth, soft and pliant. He'd awaken as his cock hardens, his fingers slipping in my hair....

It's the little things. Always the little things....

Little Things

For some reason, maybe because I saw him for the first time in weeks and we talked for a long time, I keep thinking about Sam. Oh, beautiful, beautiful Sam. Damn him. Damn that man to hell. I have much lust and longing for him. He remains as beautiful as any man needs to be. I told him today that I wouldn't be back for almost a whole week. He asked why and I told him that it was because I was scheduled elsewhere, but I'd be back, of course. He told me he'd see me then. I fucking hate it when he does that. Because then he doesn't show up and I get mad. Gotta stop caring. I just gotta.

I was thinking about when I was Keith. I have been off and on all day. Little things. Thinking about how fucking good it feels to get laid... and to get laid WELL... by someone who wants to do it. I was thinking about how it would feel to wake up next to someone and be able to reach for them and have them respond... how it feels to go to work later, memories still vivid....

I was thinking that as I get older I might actually be getting... better looking? I don't know. It has something to do with leaving behind inexperience and gaining the fullness of life. Not that I'm rushing towards wrinkles, but I can see that I'm getting older in my features. And while I'm not thrilled, I'm not horrified. I just feel curiously confident.

The other night I experienced one of the oddest sensations. I can't remember the last time I felt quite the same way. I was horny as hell but even after I came I wasn't satisfied. I sat there, clutching my chair arms, thinking I wanted to be hurt. I wanted someone to give me pain to release... what ever it was that was so tense and achey inside me. In that moment I seriously considered that I wanted to get my clit hood pierced. Preferably right then. However, being 1 am that was easier thought than done, so I stayed where I was. And masturbated again. I watched a couple of porn movies which showed some violent, selfish use of the lead ladies... and thought about what it'd be like. Would that be enough? I finally came again, and found myself no more satisfied than I was before.

I mentioned my desire for some sensation play to one of the guys I've been thinking about seeing and he was not enthused. Which in a way is good. Too much excitement scares me off a little. But he was quite cold to the idea. Dammit.

I woke up in the morning and had the pleasure of chatting with Keith. Keith talked about me topping him and I was busily wishing to god someone would top ME. I was actually thinking a lot of things but my taste for some pain, some kind of loss of control remains strong in my mouth.

I need. I need. I need.

Hopefully as my period ends this need for torment will go right along with it and I'll be the sweet, gentle girl I was just a few short days ago.

Yay!

Sam came in.  YAY.  I asked him, basically, where the hell he'd been and he told me he got hurt and wasn't working out for a couple of weeks, thus the reason he hasn't been showing up here.  I'm SO glad it had nothing to do with me.  And then he spent probably the next half hour talking to me.  Which was nice.  Because I think he's way hot.  I LOVE that my job allows me to be social and that it's with really hot guys more often than not.

Now, I just need that married guy to show up because that'd really complete my day for me....

What I wrote on my break...

Nils came in today, again.  His hair done strangely.  Gelled to stick straight up.  Which is kind of normal for him.  I think he thinks it hides his rapidly receeding hairline.  However, it's grown quite a bit longer of late and starting to look a little more Kid N' Play-ish.  Which was really really really hard for me NOT to comment on.  He's also growing his mustache back out.  Or maybe his arm gets tired before he gets to shaving that part.  Regardless, it's just not a good look for him in my opinion.  Although it's still really hard to resist him.

We chatted quite a bit.  About nothing, as usual.  We were alone in the store for most of the time and I came THIS close to telling him exactly what I think about him.  Instead I kept my mouth shut.  Because at this point I feel it will accomplish nothing except to possibly make him uncomfortable around me.  Which is not my goal.  So... whatever.  I'm guessing the attraction will go away.  It's okay, though.  Because I've been flirting with EVERYONE lately and it's fun for all involved.

Meanwhile, I ended up talking to Keith a bunch this morning.  The first time in far too long.  I couldn't believe how much I missed him.  Part of me still thinks I'm mistaking desire for love... but... only part of me.  The scared part.  The part that isn't comfortable with what he has to offer me and what that means for my life as it is.  The rest of me, though, wants it.  Desperately.

We both remain confident that we'll get another night together.  Someday.  Because how could we not?  He told me this morning that if our third night together is anything like the other two nights he'll beg me to stay, not let me leave.  And I know what he means.  I'm still looking, still hoping for something ANYTHING that can really measure up to what I experienced with Keith... to make it okay that it's entirely possible that I'll never see him again....  Then maybe I could look at him with love and still be able to say "goodbye."  Maybe.

Anyway, it made me a little melancholy to get to talk to him again. Tonight when I get home maybe I'll wax poetic about him some more. Or maybe I'll force myself to be too busy.  Like I will make sure to be here at work for the rest of the afternoon....

A day of flirting.

Because I flirted a lot and like to review these things. For my own amusement.

So this guy came into the store. He comes in pretty regularly. Usually teases me about one thing or another. Mostly I find him very funny but not attractive. He was the first person at work I told that I'd gotten my tongue pierced. Not that he cared. I was pretty sure he was gay. It's been a really long time since I've seen him for some reason. He's among those people who chew tobacco, though I'd forgotten that. He bought some stuff and then told me that he wanted to buy some chewing tobacco but was trying to stop.

He went on to explain that he was trying to get dates with these two girls but he was well aware that there was nothing less sexually appealing than chewing tobacco. I stared at him for a few moments trying to think of anything so public which would be less appealing. "Well, unless it's like... being into weird porn" he added. "Ah, but no one would KNOW about that," I said, "It's not as obvious." He agreed, saying something about bdsm type things being weird and I shrugged, "You know, that's becoming MUCH more mainstream these days." "True, Victoria's Secret sells some of that stuff, now." I have no idea what he was talking about but I piped in that Spencer's does, too. I imagine he was thinking in his head that I was being very blase about it and considering what exactly that means about me. I mean, I DO have my tongue pierced. I could have given him a look at that point and mentioned it as if to say "see, I'm clearly into that, too" except... well... how the fuck would I know? I have to pay people to hurt me and it's not even that often....

Anyway. So we kept talking and I kept trying to convince him the girls were FAR more important than his chewing tobacco habit. But he insisted so I gave him his container and handed him his receipt "this is to remind you that you thought THIS was more important than the girls." He stared at me for a second and smiled "yes... I'm going to hang it on my door. With a note" and he wrote something like "is this really more important than going out with- " whatever their names were. I laughed at that and told him he should put a sticky on the top of the container with a similar note.

Not that I think it'll work. But maybe it'll be a deterrent. Maybe. I thought it was cute though and said something like "yes, that always works for me. With the guys. I convince myself to do things because guys like it. Or don't. I mean, I'm married... but you know I can still look... and think." He agreed about doing things for the opposite sex. Eventually, he left. But it was the longest, most involved conversation I've had with him. And perhaps that I had all day with anyone.

I want to have that kind of conversation with Nils, dammit.

And if anyone remembers the boy who kept coming in and buying pineapple juice... he came in and bought some more. I couldn't bring myself to come right out and tell him why I continued to laugh at him but I finally told him he should really look up about pineapple juice online. But wouldn't give him anymore help. He shook his head at me,smiling but bewildered and left with his pineapple juice. And I laughed my ass off.

Another customer in the store heard me laughing and insisted I tell him why. I refused. However, as he was leaving I finally told him. At first he, too, was confused but finally figured out exactly what I meant. Apparently guys really DO think about these things all the time. "You should have asked him if his girlfriend makes him buy it." Damn everyone else for being more clever than I am.

I also helped one of the cops and asked him some question to which he responded "yes." After a moment I asked him if he wanted a bag "yes," he responded. So I asked him if he wanted his receipt and he said "no." I frowned pounding my hand on the counter once in disappointment "I thought you were going to say yes! You were saying yes to everything else!" He shrugged and I asked him some other question which he answered with another "no." "Look," I said, "I don't like it when men say no to me!" He laughed and I asked him some other question and he answered "yes, oh yes, PLEASE give it to me." Which made me laugh and maybe blush a little, though it was exactly what I was looking for. And then he said it again. Just because, even as one of his cop-buddies walked up. Which of course meant he got a weird look from his friend.

His cop-buddy friend is hot, too. Hot in a slightly different way. Kinda like... oh... Michael Chiklis from The Sheild (rather than from his earlier heavier, hairier days). Actually the resemblance is vaguely stunning. Although this guy is hotter. And younger. He also has a vague resemblance to my husband. This is another guy I'd love to flirt with. But dude's got a body-builder's body and is way out of my league. And married. But he and I got to talk a little, too, and that was cool. Because mostly I'm intimidated by him so it was nice to get to really have a conversation.

Which brings me to a point. While I'm still shy fairly often, one of the really great things this job is demonstrating for me is that I really CAN have a conversation with even the really, really hot guys. They're not completely unapproachable and even if I can't lure them to bed... I can still be near them now and again....

It's offical.

My heart is broken.  Nils has a girlfriend.  He says he's in love with her.

Damn it.

Sore and Tired.

I only wish those two things had something to do with hot sex.

In fact, my entire body is sore. Well, almost my entire body. There isn't a major body part that isn't feel the effects of last night somewhere. However, it's kind of funny to have to wonder how much of my back, chest, and arm soreness has to do with the elliptical (none?) and how much as to do with manuvering myself in the close confines of a car. My legs are certainly sore, too. But that's easily explained by the whole "elliptical" thing. So while I'd absolutely LOVE to workout again tonight, the combined soreness of my body is making it seem like a NOT good idea.

I hate to say it, but overall.. I'm really glad I went and saw Troy last night. It was terribly one sided but somehow I still found it satisfying. It's not something I want to do all the time. Or even most of the time. But once in a while (a time or two a year?) it's okay.

Having visited with Troy, though, I got to thinking about all the "guys" I have going on right now. All that potential. And yet... nothing REALLY going on. I mean, there are at least three guys that I KNOW of (besides, of course Keith) whom I could be having an active (and possibly satisfying) sex life with. Well, okay, re-thinking that DJ was never really someone who was available often enough for me to call that active plus the whole "not while the roommate is around" thing remains offensive to me. EB is readily available... if I want to fuck in the same house his kid is in. Yuck. And then Troy... who is only available for car play. Unless *I* want to pay for a hotel room... which strikes me as a painful waste of money....

At the same time, there's the guy on the other side of one of the city who has potential. The cop-ish guy. I may seriously go to see him soon. Even if I never sleep with him he's pretty freakin' amusing personally. Not sure if there's any physical attraction there... but I'm willing to chance it.

Anyway. I have another day of work ahead of me. Another chance to flirt with various hotties. Maybe someone will fall into my lap today....

Saw Troy Again

Troy keeps in touch, still. If he logs on at night he chats with me for at least a minute here or there. Just to let me know he's still alive and check in. Trying to keep that door open. We got to chatting online tonight and he asked me something like "was I good?" and I was hard pressed to answer. Compared to Keith? No. Awful. Compared to the majority of my other lovers? Well. He wasn't as bad as some of them. But having DJ (and memories of my dramatic reaction to his touch) suddenly reappear and having Keith forever on my mind... well... what chance does the man have? However, I told him he was good. Because for most women he would be, maybe. Just... not... me... exactly.

He asked me if I wanted to go park with him. Which was his way of asking for some low down dirty sex. At first I declined (and came up with a few valid excuses) but realized I haven't had the chance to do anything overtly sexual WITH someone in far too long. Despite the fact that I just started my period (which he wants NOTHING to do with) I figured something was better than nothing.

So, given my near constant state of horniness when I have my period and my intense need for SOME kind of sexual contact I figured I might as well go DO it. I knew he just wanted a blow job and it would be terribly one sided but... it still sounded fun.

We arranged to meet at our regular "meeting spot" and I jumped into his car where we drove off to a new secluded spot. We talked for a couple of minutes before I finally jumped him. From there on out it was much kissing and touching. I didn't get particularly turned on (which isn't to say I wasn't wet) but it was nice to have that kind of physical connection. It feels like it's been years, though it's only been what... a month?

It wasn't long, though, before his cock was in my mouth and I was working on getting him off. I was torn between wanting him to cum really quickly so I could get on with my evening and wanting to take my time and enjoy him. I could hear his breath already coming quickly, his moans more pronounced, less coherent before he finally burst out with "oh, my god... what are you doing to me? If you don't stop I'm going to cum." I was still torn between making him cum in that first couple of minutes and drawing it out. Finally, I decided to let up for the time being.

I continued to tease and torment him and occasionally engaged him in conversation. It suddenly occurred to me that I'd been at it for a while and not been working particularly hard to get him off. And a question popped into my head, "you know... I can't say as this has ever occurred to me before... but... can you get bored getting a blow job?!? I mean... I know you can get bored during sex but... I mean... can you?"

I sat quietly, barely manipulating him, waiting for a response. "Are you saying you're getting bored?" he asked me.

"No," I replied. "Are you kidding? No, it just struck me as something I'd never considered before. Can you? Have you?!"

He considered for a moment and said "well, yes. I mean. Yeah. I've been with some girls who aren't good at it. And that can get boring."

"Like... not good? How can you be not good?"

"Teeth for one." I laughed at that, since he complained about my teeth last time. His own fault, but he'll never admit to it. Then he continued, "or like... girls who don't know how to actually make a guy CUM from it... they just don't know what they're doing." I wrapped my lips around his cock again as he spoke and his voice became strained. "Which you have absolutely no problem with, believe me."

The conversation ended there. I finally decided it was time for him to cum for me. I went back to the combined action of hand and mouth that got the most passionate response and it wasn't long before he came. It was very gratifying. But then there was the post-orgasm awkwardness, since he wasn't going to return any favors and wasn't going to kiss me after his cum had been in my mouth. So we sat there and idly talked about nothing. The drive back involved much of the same thing and then when we got back to my car we talked about more nothing for a good twenty minutes. By then the awkwardness had worn off and I was comfortable again so I said my goodbyes and headed back on base.

Afterward I spent an hour at the gym and then came home to dye my hair. I feel as if I've accomplished something with my evening. I'm in a very good mood. Part sex, part endorphins.

Touch...

Things going on. Many possibilities. Few actions.

I was thinking more about the guy. The guy who, at this rate, is going to need a nickname, too. Too many guys. And about how he was happy to see me back. And how when he handed me his money (and when I returned it) our hands seemed to linger just a moment too long together. Was that me or him? I can't say it was because of him. It might have been all me.

There's another guy. Not as local as I'd like, but not so far. Another freakin' cop-type person. Like I said, that adult friend finder is filled with cops. FILLED. And I swear I'm not looking for them. He seems nice. We might just get together soon. But since I believe the blog is cursed... things will probably fizzle. If they don't, however, he'll need a nickname, too.

DJ... I need to go see him again. It's been almost two years. It was good that time we were together. Could it be good again? I need to know. I want to know.

But I work lots and lots of mornings coming up. Early to bed, early to rise. And it's bed time now.

So much speculation. So many opportunities. But first... sleep.

Ah...

Nils showed up.  As did some of the other cops.  Apparently someone got the story wrong, so while they're inconvenienced to come here, it's not that big of a deal.  In fact, it appears to be retaliation from some general who earned a ticket and couldn't get out of it.  So they're just now allowed to park in a certain area and several of them are whining about it.  Mostly, I think it's just funny.

So yeah, Nils came in.  And he's among those who told me the real story.

Anyway, we talked a very little bit and I'm not sure what his deal was but clearly he was kind of pissy today.  I'm not sure if it was because of the thing or if he's just feeling pissy.  Doesn't help that I'm pissy today, too.  So he commented on some news story and I had to ask him what he was talking about.  He showed me and I asked him why it mattered.  "Were you ever in the service?" He asked.  I replied that I had not and he kind of rolled his eyes.  "No disrespect," he said. 

I stared at him, "obviously it's something you feel passionate about.  I was just curious why.  I wasn't arguing."

But he refused to elaborate.  For no apparent reason.  Which only served to irritate me.  Excuse me for wanting to carry on a conversation.  So whatever.  I mean, it's not that big of a deal but you know, with PMS it kind of is.

So, yeah.  Also, I got my schedule for next week.  And I work two mornings with the guy I loathe.  Alone.  Great.  Just GREAT. 

Oh nooooo...

So half of the customer base where I work is the cops.  Maybe less than half... but barely.  I came in to work today and was told "oh, they're not allowed to shop here anymore."  Which shocked me.  It was later ammended to they're allowed to shop here but apparently their bosses don't want them driving here using the official vehicles.  Which actually makes no sense what-so-ever but I won't explain, just take my word for it.  I've seen one of them come in, so far today.  Before his shift, he told me.  One.  ONE. 

 

Here I was so worried about Nils quitting and me not seeing him anymore because of that... and now this... so close.. yet so far.  So theoretically, I may never get to see Nils again.  I refuse to believe it, though.  They just have to change the rule BACK....

 

Meanwhile, one of the guys I've mentioned who happens to be married saw me and said "I'm glad to see you again," sounding suprisingly intimate about it.  I think he might be really going for it....  I laughed it off and said something stupid in reply... but I'm really thinking "holy crap...."  I'm increasingly tempted to find out what exactly that's all about...

Max Heart Rate

Seeing as it's Sunday. A Sunday in the middle of a military 3 or 4 day weekend (depending who you ask), which means a lot of people are out of town or partying and waking up late, I figured if there was any time to pop my gym cherry today would be it. So husband and I went to the gym today. He was grumpy, apparently convinced I was going to follow him around and beg him for help. However, I set myself up on the elliptical and stayed there for an hour, doing a "fat burn" workout the entire time, working to stay at that magical 65% (or whatever) of my max heart rate.

A few people came into the cardio room and left as I stayed on my machine. A guy was already in there and he left about ten minutes later. A girl joined me, taking a machine nearby. A while later another guy came in and somehow with the ENTIRE cardio room to choose from including 12 empty treadmills, he chose the one directly in front of me.

A rather hot guy. Probably late 30's early 40's. Hardly any fat on him, but not too lean. The sort of guy who probably doesn't spend too much time in the weightroom, but just enough. Lovely. Eye candy.

And I watched, amused, as my heart rate started to soar.

The girl who was nearby finished with her elliptical workout and chose one of the furthest treadmills to go onto the next phase of her cardio. She was also cute. Petite, thin, not as shapely as I might have liked (I love curves) but certainly a cardio bunny.

And all of a sudden as my eyes darted back and forth between the two of them I could see them locked in a passionate embrace. Her legs would wrap around his waist, their mouths finding one another's. I could see the way his naked body would flex and move, holding her there, pushing her back against the treadmill's screens, balancing precariously between keeping the belt from moving under his feet and thrusting up inside her.

This did nothing to keep my heart rate low. And was entirely unexpected. I've NEVER in my LIFE fantasized about two OTHER people having sex. Especially two strangers.

But it was hot. When I came home to shower, I found I was wet. Excited. And even now, nothing sounds better to me than post workout sex....

What the Cable Man Saw...

Earlier husband and I were sitting around talking. A little about the cable. The cable guy came on Friday and I did a little cleaning so he wouldn't think we were total slobs. Because you know it MATTERS.

However, after living in a place for a very long time with things a certain way it's really easy to miss very obvious things which maybe "don't belong." Namely I pointed to the wall. "You know that was there the whole time?" Walking through our house to get in and out the way he went he was forced to come within a two feet of the items in the photograph displayed as they are, facing them head on. Hard to miss.

It's the little things. "Oh, yes. We collect medieval stuff. Like purple rubber floggers."

Jobs...

Carpenter, Factory Supervisor, Airman, IT, Radio DJ, programmer, Airman, Soldier, programmer, retail manager, programmer, PR, help desk, law enforcement...


A list of the "jobs" I've slept with. And there's at least one guy I cannot think that I even KNOW what it is he did for a living. Of course, he was the worst sex of my life so... big loss... the less I remember about THAT the better....

Anyway. I was just thinking about the jobs of the various men I've slept with. Wondering if I have any patterns. And clearly I'm obsessed with computers. Probably something to do with growing up next to Microsoft...

Oh yeah.

I didn't really gain eight pounds. More like maybe two. Maybe. Oh, thank god.

I worry too much. Also not sexy.

But I'm cute. Dammit.

Seeing as no one spiders me...

which is to say I don't exist on the search engines, near as I can tell... I might as well be a little naughty and break a little copyright law. Or something.

I picked up Men's Health the first time because of Keith. He told me it's where he got his sex tips. "The good ones," he told me. I laughed. But found and read it anyway. And was curious. Good articles in general... relatively frank section on sex. Not bad. This month, though, I read this article and as I read more and more I thought back to those two steamy nights in December with Keith. And I could feel him doing these things. His playbook, practically. And the more I read the faster my breath came. Just reading about these things brought it all back to me so vividly and I was turned on. I immediately passed the article to husband who read it and wasn't impressed

So, I'll pass it on to you.

Page 126-7 to be exact. Photo of a sexy blonde in white underthings sprawled across two pages. I appreciate the ambiance. It's called "Where to Begin" and is partially subtitled "a guide to her pleasure, and yours."

Skipping the first tip which is probably very nice but wasn't terribly exciting..

Those Ears-

These are portals to two forms of arousal: physical (reflexogenic) and mental (psychogenic) says Emily Nogoski, Ph. D(c), a sex researcher at Indiana University. Touch or massage the rim of her ear between your thumb and forefinger while cradling the back of her head with your fingers. (Ignore the insensitive earlobe.) As she responds, graze the ridge of her outer ear with the tip of your nose, says ANne Hooper, Coauthor of 269 Amazing Sex Tips and Tricks for Men. "Just hearing you breathe will turn her on," she says.

And that's the first tip that got me. Because my ears are SO sensitive and sometimes breathing across them can be SO fucking hot....

No way

I'll write about Men's Health later.

I think I've gained like 8 pounds in the last month. How much is water weight I can't say for sure. How much is just a day's worth of food and water I can't say for sure, either. But god damn.

The vast majority of that? Probably from the last week. Stress about that guy I loathe. I ate. And ate. And ate.

NOT SEXY.

Oh. My.

So that guy.  The one from like a month ago that I messed up and basically appeared to be asking out... the one who then turned around and kind of asked me out... and then came back after the store was closed because I forgot to give him money... that one...

He showed up again this evening.  I saw him, recognise him from behind, now.  "Ah, you snuck in," I said when I saw him at the counter.  I walked up to my side of the counter and got him his cigarettes (yucky).  "So you going to work again?" I asked, still happy to make conversation.  He fumbled with his answer, "C'mon," I said, "is it really that hard of a question?"

He explained that he had been in training and was now off to do his eight hours at his normal job.  Which makes a little sense that he'd fumble with that answer.  "Do you at least get a long weekend," I asked.  He told me he did and exactly which three days.  "Well, at least there's that," I said.

"Yes, but if only I had someone to go home to," he said, smiling at me.  I stared at him completely nonplussed.  And he kept talking "someone to rub my back.. a warm body..."  I stared at him, probably open mouthed and completely without response.  Because, you know... I can't remember if I ever told him I'm married and certainly am NOT available to be the warm body for him to come home to.

I think I said something like "I... uh.. wish I had a response for that."  He said something about how, basically, his life sucks because of the lack of someone to go home to and I responded "ah, it's not that bad."  Of course we all know I mean that I'd much rather be single than married, dude.  But that's probably NOT what he heard.

Which means I probably should have some kind of a conversation with him about it.  Except... the situation is just SO weird....

Plus, the more interest he shows... the more I think "...hmm... wonder if he reads Men's Health..."

Did I mention there's a KICK ASS article in Men's Health this month?  I'll have to share about it, later.

Ha ha!

Or maybe not "ha ha!"  I can't keep track.

So I discovered that you can tell where I'm writing from based on the font so I thought I'd change the font up and see if it shows up at home.  How exciting am I?  Yeah, that's right.

Nils showed up today.  Much to my delight.  I didn't hardly get to talk to him because when the store is busy he rarely sticks around.  However, when he walked in I nearly made him walk into me.  He put his hand up as if to push me away from hitting him... right about breast level.  And I though "wow, that was kind of close."  Except you know... it wasn't.  But oh...

So he came through and told me that he hasn't been here all week.  Which is funny because neither have I.  So I guess I haven't been missing him all week the way I thought I had been.  Which is maybe a good thing.  But I wanted him to miss me.  When I asked him why he didn't answer, though.  Not sure if he didn't hear me or if he's being all private right now.

He told me I seemed abnormally happy as I tried to hold myself together from my ever-present reaction to him.  "I'm ALWAYS happy when I see you," told him with a grin.  No telling if he thought I was serious or not.  Of course I was serious.

It's after 4 now, though.  I'm guessing Sam is a no show... yet again.  Dammit.

A little happy.

I spent this morning telling myself "I will not be SHY today!" And of course, I was. Although not too. I didn't start conversations when I could have. Part of my fear is my terrible inability to recognize and remember faces. I hate having a conversation with someone and then five minutes later realizing I have no idea what the person looks like and unless we talk about the same thing again... I'm not going to remember.

The evil man at work whom I loathe basically ignored me all day, which suited me perfectly. He can act like a big baby all he wants. I had to talk to him about three times and he acted as if I wasn't even there. Terribly funny and pathetic. I now am pretty confident I understand his emotional and mental level. The fact that he's muslim doesn't speak much for him, either. Me and my feminism. On a positive note I'm fairly confident since he's a foreign national AND islamic with a painfully islamic name I don't think he'll get into "MY" store in it's secured area anytime soon. So I'll only have to deal with him when I visit "his" store.

And on a really happy note... I'll be back at my store again tomorrow because of someone getting sick and another person being on vacation. Score! The two important parts being the vague possibility Sam might actually show up again (it's been soooo long) and of course the guy from last Friday whom I have no business crushing on. But....

I'm reasonably sure Nils won't show up, even though he came in neither Saturday nor Monday. If he does it'll be a delightful surprise. I'll have to make an effort to try to watch his reaction to my sudden re-appearance. And find out where the hell he's been and if he's leaving me or what. He's NOT allowed to just disappear without saying "goodbye" at least....

Anyway. Tomorrow comes early and I'm tired. But in a good mood.

Although I did totally blow off DJ tonight. Although I warned him I might. It's really for the best that I did... but... dammit I feel guilty.

And I miss Keith. We haven't really had a chance to connect in FAR too long. I hate that....

More Dream Thought and Even more Beyond That.

I'm pretty sure my nightmare had more to do with the guy at work who pissed me off than the man that molested me. I think I'm angry and bitter and tired of all this. When I called my husband from work to complain I told him "you know I'm tired of being THAT girl. I've been that girl all my life and I HATE it." Except it's not something I have control over, unfortunately. Being a woman, a relatively pretty woman I'm unfortunately put in this position more often than I like. And it makes me angry. Very very angry.

I can only assume the dream has something to do with the fact that while I wish to preserve the peace I'm doing so at my own expense and unfortunately, that's not something anyone else can take care of for me, much as I wish that weren't the case.

So what I'm going to do, I don't know. But I'm angry and bitter. And trying very hard to remain professional. Next week, though, I'll be back at "my" store and I won't have to deal with the problem for at least another week.

On a REALLY positive note, I heard from DJ again. It's been a long-ass time since I've seen him. For several reasons. And going back and re-reading that post I once again have to ask myself "why?!?" Of course, I've considered the "whys" of it a few times but you know... What ever. Re-reading that blog entry... the question is more "why NOT?!" Heh. I could go see him as early as tomorrow. However, I may not because the stress I'm feeling from work is absolutely quashing my sex drive. Obviously, the dream did nothing to help me feel good about anything sexual right now, too.

But... if not tomorrow... soon. Because I have to know if that was a one hit wonder or....

Also, husband and I have idly been considering a real vacation. I want to go somewhere tropical, although we might end up just heading back to the nearby resort town for a week in the summer which is plenty vacation-y for me. I looked at trips to various locations including Hawaii and I discovered I suddenly have this incredibly strong aversion to going to Hawaii with husband. It's become Keith's place, somehow. I'll probably have to get over that eventually. However, I suspect if ever I go back there Keith will be there in my heart....

Bad Dream

I had a dream this afternoon as I slept. Maybe more than one. Among them involved some guy solving this weird physical puzzle to gain some secret knowledge. I was going to have to do the same thing in order to save the world. It involved going up some stairs on this spinning platform and fighting a number of enemies in a particular order. It was very video game-y. Very odd.

I somehow followed this up by dreaming about the man that molested me. In the dream I was the adult I am now. My husband was not there but a friend of mine and her husband were both there. Along with a couple of other people. Everyone knew who he was and what had happened but we were all there for some kind of closure or something.

In the dream he was walking around the house naked (which he often did in real life) and handed me his "birthday card" and asked me (and everyone to sign it). The card turned out to be a book. Which started out very normally but went on to describe various sexual positions. That he wanted me to sign this very sexual book disturbed me greatly and made me think he was very much the same person I knew 20-odd years ago.

I argued with myself over and over what to write and wrote "hello" in it, at first. Except when I looked back at the book I swore I'd accidentally written my husband's name. I fixed it so it would LESS like my husband's name but then couldn't think of anything else to write. As I flipped through the book I considered writing things like "oh, do you remember how when you did this to me it ruined my life?" and other various things in the sections of the book which contained descriptions and photos of sex acts. However, it concerned me that he'd think "yes" and jack off to it.

My friend's husband started arguing with the man and getting all up in his face. However, the man was physically stronger, bigger... and was pushing my friend's husband around bodily, all the while still naked. And it occurred to me that maybe the man was bisexual. Something I'm not sure I believe in real life, but that's neither here nor there.

I think my brain was pressing as deeply into this dream as I could really handle. Perhaps more. I eventually woke up and as I lay there I thought "I should have gotten a black marker and crossed out anything to do with sex in that book. Censored bars everywhere...." But mostly I just felt sick to my stomach and sad.

I still feel that way a little bit.

So Alone.

I keep missing Keith. I'm not sure what exactly is going on but when I'm around he's not and when he's around... I am not. I know he's busy. I know he has things to do. But it doesn't make it easier to NOT have his attention. Argh.

I keep fantasizing about Nils. And I'm thinking I should really stop building the poor guy up. But it IS a lot of fun. I haven't seen Nils in 5 days. It seems like a life time.

I also haven't seen Sam in almost two weeks. Maybe a full two weeks. I'm not sure what to think of that. Other than the fact that I'm sorely disappointed. Refused or not, dude's awesome eye candy and I DO like talking to him.

And now I'm also considering the the guy on Fridays. The one who told me "you have nothing to be embarrassed about." Although I really shouldn't be thinking of him. Really.

My attention wanders from guy to guy, hopefully. There's a never ending string of them. I perk up hopefully whenever anyone shows me interest so long as they're decent looking. It's my slutty nature, I think. But then again, it's not like I'm fucking even 1% of them. So whatever. It's fun to daydream.

I just wish they weren't ALL day dreams. *sigh*

Better...

This morning I bought something online to pick up at the physical store. When I got there I spent a half hour discovering that they didn't actually HAVE the item. I suspect they might have actually had it but no one knew where it was. That's my suspicion. Whatever the case, they refunded my money to me and I left, pissed. More disappointed than pissed as I was sure this item was going to solve all my problems.

Then I had my crappy day. After work I went home and we headed to another store that ought to have the item. THEY had it. Thank god. So after we bought the item we headed to eat something for a late dinner. We settled on one of our mutually favorite treats, which I just discovered I can't reveal because apparently it's a regional thing. Which upsets me a lot more than I care to consider. It's one thing Seattle is sorely lacking. But I digress.

A return home and a quick hookup of the item... and it turns out all our prayers have been answered. We're still having the cable guy come out and we're going to put everything back how it was... but once he's gone we'll have an extra amazing signal, we will....

So what started out as a crap-tastic day has actually turned out to be made much better by the mere addition of the internet. And food. Mmm. Food.

As for sex... well... it's Valentine's day... but husband is husband... so there wasn't even a hint of it. Or romance. But I knew about the later BEFORE I married him, so it's all good....

Worst Day Ever

Last night the internet stopped working in the house.  One of our neighbors apparently bought cable which degrades our signal.  This has been a long standing problem which led to one of our neighbors buying a satellite dish.  However, the new neighbors know nothing of this and are now the cause of much gnashing of teeth in my home.  So I'm sending this from work.

I ordered a signal amplifier from circuit city and set myself up to pick it up at the nearby store before work.  They opened late.  Then took a half hour to discover they did not have my item.  I got a gift card out of it.  However, I lack the merchandise I would have MUCH rather had... and wasted a bunch of time this morning.  And STILL lack internet access.

Then, since I'm at the OTHER store... I ended up working with a guy I'm increasingly coming to loathe.  The one that sexually harassed me in December.  And this time he decided to be a vindictive prick and play it like I was rude to him today.  Which I was not.  So then he walked out.  Played that he suddenly had an emergency and had to leave instead of having to do the thing i'd asked him to do.  His way of getting his way. 

Anyway.  It was not the sort of day I'd been looking foward to.  Luckily, I'm off tomorrow and will only have two more days of his company, max.  Thank GOD.

Tonight... much hunting for an alternative to this horrible internet problem and maybe some alcohol.  I feel awful.

Power

Last night it snowed. A lot. I'll still work in the morning, though, for sure. This morning I woke up as soon as the hepa filter next to the bed stopped making its white noise. At least I think I woke up as soon as it stopped. I couldn't tell what time it was because my clock was off, too, but it was dark out. I went to the bathroom in the dark and then back to bed glad that the power outage happened while we were asleep.

Hours later I woke again. To the silence. And more light. Still no power. The bedroom was cooler. I got up and let the dogs go outside, dressing myself in warm clothes as the downstairs was much cooler than I prefer. I checked in on the rats who looked none the worse for the wear... yet... and sat down at the computer, turning the chair to face the other way and think on what to do with my day. I tried to think of something to do to make sure that if the power didn't come on and the house continued to cool I could at least keep the rats from freezing. I came up with several ideas, all of them involving electricity. Useless. Finally, I decided if the house got too cold I'd take them up to the "safe room" (the bedroom) where at least our body heat was keeping things from getting too cold.

And then I went back to bed and slept. A few hours later I woke up again. This time to the sound of the filter running. I leapt from bed and raced downstairs to turn on the computer. It loaded. Yahoo started. And the power went out again. And stayed off. For at least another hour and a half. I went back to bed a few minutes after it turned off.

Husband was awake then. I bitched out the lack of power. And my inability to come up with a reasonable way of keeping the ratties from freezing if it came down to it. After all, they're pet not acclimated to temperature extremes. As we talked the dogs chased each other around the bed. I was going to stop them but husband pointed out they were burning lots of energy which would convert nicely to heat. So they romped and I lay there.

I couldn't help but thinking that we were there. In bed. Together. Wide awake. The bedroom still just warm enough to be comfortable. And we could be really enjoying one another's company. Generating some heat of our own. Except just two nights ago I found myself touching and rubbing myself against him in a way which I found very arousing. Something I made clear to him. And while he stayed to touch and pet me, he didn't take things past that point of caressing. To put myself out there again in that way with him, just two days later... I'd rather just go back to sleep. Which I did.

The power came back on an hour and a half later and has been on ever since. And I keep thinking about what romantic, sexy, slow loving I could have enjoyed this morning. If only....

If only.

Bored.

I'm at work.  It's raining outside.  I spent all day yesteday telling people that it wasn't going to snow.  Only rain.  They argued.  Of course, it may still snow.  They SAY it'll snow.  I'm not convinced, though.  Same thing I said yesterday, actually.

I fully expect to read Second Order Approximation tomorrow reading something like "fuck" and "kids staying home."  Me... I don't work tomorrow... but will surely do so Monday regardless of the roads.  *sigh*

No sign of anyone interesting in the store today, either.  I'm sorely disappointed but telling myself that somehow that will improve.  I'm kidding myself, of course.  Nils is probably off Friday and Saturday these days.  MP may come in but... big deal, really.  He's amusing, I suppose but... I dunno.

Basically it's a really quiet day and I'm painfully bored....

Day.

Neither Sam nor Nils came in today. MP walked in just before I was going to close and got all flirty. But... no. I know he did it on purpose, however. He knew I was going to be there alone. He saw me. And he planned it. It was cute but... no.

In the evening one of my regular customers came in. He's a guy right around 40... probably 40-something. Not super hot but... attractive. I'd do him. He's another one of those guys with the riveting eyes. Blue. Long, dark lashes... vaguely incongruent with the rest of his features in a way that's just so... nice.

So he came in and I did the normal "customer" things with him, asking him about his day and all that. "It's been a long week," he told me. Then he looked thoughtful for a second, because week after week that's exactly what he's said so he added, "It's been a long month. I sure hope it slows down. It's been very crazy."

I nodded, "I'm sorry, I... I'm not much help in that." Since I had no freaking clue what to say and words somehow failed me.

"You help by just listening," he said.

Considering most of our conversations don't go over a couple of minutes I found myself kind of surprised by that. "Well... thank you," I said back.

He started to say something else, I forget what but nothing too exciting but ended up stumbling over his words. He made a noise at his inability to speak and said "now I'm embarassed."

I laughed at him as I got his change. "You know, I spend a lot of my life embarassed. It's nice to have someone else know my pain now and again."

I looked at him and caught him looking at me. Maybe my breasts. He looked up quickly, though and looked deep into my eyes, "YOU have nothing to be embarassed about." And I knew he was trying to compliment me. Come on to me a little. Without actually saying anything.

But I laughed it off. Because that's what I do best. "Well, I rather mean sometimes I just need to keep my mouth shut," I said.

"Oh, yeah, I know what you mean," he said.

I should have carried the conversation further. But I was still kind of mentally reeling from the idea that he might be interested in me as more than just the store-girl. He said "goodbye" around then and I yelled after him "see you in a week!" which sounded stupid. Since I was yelling it after him. I'm so not getting a piece of this guy. Ah, well.

This other guy who works in the gym whom I may have mentioned previously was also an object of my flirting today. I said something kind of dirty to him and he looked surprised at me and then smiled, "You know... I LIKE that." he said. Referring to my forwardness... my dirtiness. Dude's WAY out of my league. However, I appreciated the ego boost....

Hmph.

No sign of Sam again, today. I can't imagine why not. Maybe I really did scare him away...

I remain painfully disappointed that Nils didn't stay and talk to me at all. I'm not sure what to make of his sullen silence. Annoying, at best. Maybe he got some bad news. After all, it's not like I'm his best friend or anything. I'm sure he doesn't feel the need to share EVERYTHING with me. But his body would be a good place to start....

Lest anyone doubt, Keith and I are still talking. Just the same as always, though I find myself trying to distance myself a little more. I'm becoming increasingly sure that I will never have the pleasure of touching him ever again. Which is really, really depressing. I go back and re-read what I wrote just after seeing him and it makes me really horny... and sad.... He insists that we will have one more time together. Whether it's a night or a week I can't say... but he insists it'll happen. I'm just not convinced. I see him getting remarried rather quickly, for some reason. And not to me. I sincerely doubt he'd cheat on his wife or even girlfriend in order to spend that long awaited night with me, no matter WHAT he says to the contrary.

The fact is, much as it wouldn't be the end of the world to me, I can't imagine that if he and I were together that he'd go out and cheat on me... so the idea of him cheating on some other woman whom he's desperately in love with seems... unlikely at best. So yeah. I'm dealing with that reality right now, too.

So I look to Nils. And I'm thinking Nils isn't capable of taking the place of Keith in a lot of ways. Nils has to be Nils and Keith has to be Keith and I have to just kind of deal with that. But it's hard. And I'm feeling very sexually and just plain MENTALLY frustrated just now....

In and Out

Nils came.  And Nils left.  One minute here.  Tops.  Barely spoke.  It doesn't help that I was talking to someone else when he walked in and as he went through the line.  It was only as he was leaving I got to say anything at all.  Dammit.  Sam better make up for that, later.

Hey, baby.

No sign of Sam. I'm starting to wonder if I scared him off. Not that it much matters, I suppose. But I LIKE him, dammit. Or I did. Until he stopped coming by. The fuck.

Meanwhile, the guy that I sort of accidentally seemed to be coming on to who then turned around and sort of asked me out came in again tonight. This is the guy I shorted $20 a bit ago and had to let him back into the store to give him his money back and then started considering what I could be doing to him in that there store with the lights off and the door locked. Anyway. So he showed up.

I acknowledged him as he entered which I usually do to all my evening customers and he wandered into the store. A bit later we were the only ones in the store and he walked up. "Hello," I said again, as I always do. "Hey baby," he said. I wasn't sure I could possibly have heard him right so I ignored it. We went on to have a short conversation with me asking all the questions "in the middle of your work day again?" I asked... etc. When I asked if he wanted a bag he responded "negative" and I mocked him for it. "You know, the only people who say 'negative' when they mean 'no' are the ones fresh from basic... and you are certainly NOT fresh from basic." Dude's e-6, okay? So then I went on to complain about who I get ma'amed to death by those guys and he told me "yeah, that's why I start with 'hey, baby.'" Which pretty much affirmed that I had heard him right.

I wasn't really sure what to say to that, though. Because I do kind of want to encourage him but... maybe not.... So I smiled and told him I hadn't noticed him say it. Which was a lie. But that's okay. Sometimes it's appropriate.

So, anyway. Yeah.

And then there was the over sharing guy today. A hot guy maybe my age. He bought some chewing tobacco and went on to tell me about how he'd intended to quit and actually had for a couple of months until his wife cheated on him. But now they were in therapy and trying to fix things and who knew what was going to come of it but he was going to some training for several weeks and he thought it was going to be quite a test and who knew what would happen. I was vaguely tempted to say one of two things: 1. Wanna get back at her with me?!? 2. You're in the military. What did you think was going to happen? However, I said neither of these things but instead told him "I'm sorry that happened to you. Good luck" and left it at that. I won't recognize him next time he comes in, which is a shame because he was cute. Even if he did over share inappropriately.

That doesn't make sense

Needless to say no one actually makes sense to me these days.  Nils came in as I returned from my daily consistutional during my lunch time.  And as I walked up he started singing "here she comes.. Miss America..." as a female cop looked on.  It was very odd.  But I was encouraging.  Because why wouldn't I encourage him to pay attention to me?  I'm not dumb.  Still, I wish he'd just come on to me.  Except maybe the whole "married" thing is holding him back.  Trying to be honorable... semper fi and all that crap.  Not that he was a marine... but he did go to a marine training school, apparently....

Meanwhile, I heard from Martin finally.  Apparently his girlfriend is moving in with him.  Like... now, essentially.  When that all came about I can't say.  However, I find it hard to imagine that he JUST discovered this fact which means dude did with me on Saturday what he did, knowing full well he wouldn't be taking futher advantage of our arrangement.  Which is fine, I guess.  But in my opinion really beyond rude.  At least be up front with me, you know?  But whatever.

He thinks he's going to be happy.  I'm not convinced, although I hope he is....

So I sit here waiting for Sam to come in.  And think that perhaps he won't, tonight, just as he didn't the last two days.  There's another guy who doesn't make a lot of sense....

Mmm.

Keith was online this morning. We chatted for almost an hour. It was nice. It's always nice. The talk turns less to sex these days. Since I'm not getting any and he is....

So I spent the rest of the morning thinking about Nils. To quote a song (sorta): "cuz he's here and he's real." Of course, how "real" he is has yet to be determined. Whatever the case, I'm vaguely obsessed today. Not in a bad way. Probably I wouldn't die of sadness if I didn't get to see him today... but he sure brightens up my day when I do see him.

Keith tells me I should tell Nils TODAY how very much I crave him. I think... I dunno. If it happens it'll happen. If not... it doesn't. The thing is I don't want Nils' coworkers to be any the wiser if I DO ever get to hook up with him. I don't want my reputation (whatever it may be) to be connected with him at work. He deserves his privacy and the fact that so many of the cops know about my personal ad tells me I need to be really careful with Nils if he DOESN'T know.

Although I'm tempted to ask MP to tell him about the ad if he doesn't already know. Just to see what happens....

On a side note... knowing Nils real first name makes masturbating about him much more pleasant. While during sex I am generally pretty quiet when it comes to masturbating I talk to my imaginary lover almost non-stop. Being able to say his first name as I do so... way more real....

Thinking.

Lots of thoughts about my Nils tonight. Trying to figure out what to do about him. Like today when he called me over, actually out of the store to talk to him. Which isn't a big deal since no one was inside (although he didn't know that). He was at the ATM and I thought he was going to ask for my assistance (our ATM is very picky and I often end up giving an assist on it). However, he was just calling me talk. So we talked. And he glanced at his ATM receipt and said something about having no money.

And I think that was the perfect chance to say something like "ah, then I guess we won't be able to go out tonight. It's cool, though. We can stay in..." or something equally flirty. Except I'm SUCH a dork I can't THINK around him, remember. These things come to me LATER.

Inside he kept talking to me about his work. Serious, friendly conversation. Early in the conversation he took off his sunglasses. This is a long standing joke between us. I've likely mentioned it before. One of the first things I remember teasing him about was the fact that he'd come into the store day after day and NEVER take off his damned sunglasses. "Is it SO bright in here?!" I'd ask him. So it's been a long standing joke.

So these days he takes off his sunglasses when he talks to me, usually. Except when he does that I find myself just staring like a deer in headlights at his pretty blue/grey eyes with the long, dark fringe of lashes. He's very much this fantasy man I had in my head years ago mixed deliciously with some of the things I've learned to crave over the years. But I digress. He took off his glasses and I stared into his eyes the way I always do... and appreciated the fact that he'd taken off his sunglasses for my benefit, as I always do.

He talked quite a bit about his work. And about what he's planning on doing next. And where he's going. Like one would maybe talk to a friend. It caught me off guard. I hadn't expected him to talk as much as he did. And I wonder... does he do it because he's nervous? Does he really think of me as a friend... and if he does... does that give me an in...?

He also told me that the reason he didn't show up yesterday was because of an interview. Even though I hadn't asked why he wasn't in. He knew I'd noticed, I'm sure. Because... I'm just that obvious right?

My fantasies are getting away from me. I want him. And all this other... is quite nice, actually....

Score!

I'm so excited I get to share exciting things as they happen.

 

Nils came in.  He came in and no one else was around.  And I didn't tell him.  Damn it I didn't say it.  However, he started talking to me.  He "psst" me over to him and then started telling me all sorts of interesting things about his life.  Including, but not limited to, the fact that he may be going away for 30 weeks.  I stared at him trying hard to divide 30 by 4 and just failing miserably.  And thinking "holy shit."  "Are you leaving us?!?" I asked him trying NOT to sound as depressed by the idea as I am.  Apparently, though, that's the ultimate plan.  He's interviewing with other more important law enforcement agencies and looking into rejoining the military if all else fails.

 

And I'm disappointed knowing he's going to leave.  But I don't know if there's a date set or anything else like it.

 

Just as he was leaving I asked him "what's your name?  I mean, I know your last name but what's your name?"  And he told me.  And asked me "why?"  To which I could only respond "because you know my name name.  Seems fair."  Rather than "so I know who's name to call when I cum."

 

Ha ha.

Guys in review... or something.

You'd think after the way he manhandled me on Saturday I'd hear from Martin again. You'd be wrong. I don't GET that guy. Whatever.

Troy, meanwhile, invited me out to play for tonight. I told him "I'll think about it." And I have been. But I'm not convinced it's worth my time. He's handsome and had a big unit. But other than that... I don't particularly care for his personality. Somehow talking to him just makes me feel bad about myself.

So. Yeah. I still talk to Troy but I'm not all that excited about the idea of seeing him again.

MP came in yesterday and mocked me a little. I always enjoy a good mocking. My coworker (a different one than the one I dislike) looks vaguely like me. We have similar coloring and bodies. On the other hand she's got 20 years on me. We apparently also have similar taste in clothes. Often we'll show up wearing the same colors. Yesterday, MP pointed out that we were both wearing the same colors and the same style of v-neck t-shirt. *sigh* I swear I don't dress like a 40+ year old. He then spent the rest of his time there making fun of us. I really should have pointed out that his uniform isn't exactly an original, either. Instead I flipped him off and he looked at his watch and at me mouthing the word "when?" I laughed in response.

Then there was the super hot guy who came in at the end of the night. Near as I can tell he'd never been in the store before. He was there to buy cigarettes. A nasty, disgusting habit that I just can't stand... but if I don't have to witness it, I don't mind so much. So I got him a carton (at his request) and since it was open I checked to make sure all the cigarettes were in there. I set it on the counter and he did the same thing.

"I was checking to make sure they were all there," I told him.

"Yeah, me too," he replied then added "not that I don't trust you."

I glanced up at him, "Yeah... right...."

"Look, don't mess with my cigarettes," he said teasingly. I looked up at him again and shook my head. "Don't make me come over the counter," he said.

I thought about it for a second as I was getting his change and said "I dare you." This is something people often joke about. More about me coming over the counter at them. However, I'm willing to have someone do a dive over the counter at me, why not?

"You just want to see me fall on my face," he said.

"Well, the counter is rather high. And wide."

"I'm rather tall," he informed me.

I glanced up at him again, "you certainly are," I responded. I was glad to have an excuse to give him that once over.

Shortly after that he left. Maybe he'll be back... yummy....

Wee.

So I talked to Keith this morning. And really he didn't have too much more to say than we've pretty much already to said to one another. I thought it was going to be something mind blowingly bad and really... it was just more of the same. Which is okay. I can handle more of the same.

However, he also told me that he's found a new lover. Oh. I didn't realize what he was telling me at first. But once I figured it out I was momentarily happy for him. And then jealous. Not insanely jealous, just this side of that. But jealous none the less. Which is okay with me. I have reason to be jealous, after all.

On the other hand when I gave it some more thought I kind of wanted to cry. As he typed to me I got up and got breakfast ready while I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. And then I came back and read what he'd written all in one rush instead of spaced out. And... was sad.

I keep thinking about The Ex and how I handled things with him. When he finally broke up with me it devastated me. I cried. A lot. And I swear to god even though I feel more for Keith than I ever did for The Ex... I refuse to cry. I've been keeping a stiff upper lip since the first night. Well, okay, not completely stiff. But I won't let myself become depressed the way I have in the past. I can't be sad that he's found a physical outlet. I just can't. After all, theoretically I have a few of my own.

Keith was worried that he was driving a wedge between husband and I. In fact this weekend was pretty good for the two of us. Some of it maybe because I talked to husband a little about my feelings to do with Keith. While he's not completely comfortable with what I have going on with Keith (near as I can tell) he's feeling much more informed and therefore there's less to fear. So things went swimmingly this weekend. Lots of quality time and all that stupid relationship stuff and I'm in a surprisingly good mood because of it.

On the other hand, I spent the weekend eating crap and my body is making me suffer for my choices. Between that, the lack of exercise AND the lack of sleep from Superbowl I'm a bit of a wreck. Hopefully tonight I can remedy some of that and feel more up to my normal, happy, sexy self....

A second post from work.

Let's see.  Cute boy came in today.  Last time he came in I laughed at his photo on his ID and I realized later that even though I'd pointed out that was not photogenic (and he agreed) he might have taken that to mean I thought he was ugly.  So today I mocked him for his ID again but this time added "hey, not like I'm saying you're not cute but man... this picture..."  I didn't actually look at him while I said it so I might have missed out on a good reaction.

 

Meanwhile, Sam came in early.  I'm still expecting him a second time because he SAID he'd be back.  But yeah... I trust THAT, right?  Nils, however, did not make an appearance.  Which upset me terribly because I so look forward to seeing him every day.  Just as I have for months.  No telling if I'll ever actually say anything to him but... well... the thought is there, right?  Counts for something?

 

I talked to Keith this morning.  More on that later.  I have much to say on the subject.  It's not neccessarily bad... but I feel the need to write about it.  Because that's what I do.  It was certainly an interesting way to start the day.

Just a test.

I've discovered the blogger feature where you can e-mail your posts from any e-mail address and I thought it'd be fun to try it out.  Not that I have all kinds of free time to write while I'm at work but I thought it was worth at least attempting once.

 

I was thinking back to when I was at Martin's house and how I leaned down to get onto the couch.  While doing so I almost fell since I put most of my weight on my arms on the sofa arm which is an old sofa and didn't handle the pressure well. 

 

I looked up at Martin after almost slipping off the couch and told him he really needs to get a new couch.  To which he responded "I really like that couch."  Looking at me meaningfully.  It's only just now as I'm wearing a similar shirt that I realize he was looking down my shirt as I leaned there... and had his couch been more solid I wouldn't have been in that position.

 

Kind of explains a little why he came into the office later and felt me up...

Clothes.

I had a very strange lesbian dream last night. Something about a friend of mine who came out as bisexual. Basically in the dream I went down on her. It was... really weird. I have to give her credit, though, that in my dream her pussy was very pretty. And I'm not sure I've ever thought of a pussy as being pretty or otherwise....

On a more normal note, Saturday I took husband to go shopping for a new coat and jeans. While there I found a couple of shirts for him which, I think, look quite nice. I'm proud of my find. As I stood there in the store waiting for him to return from the dressing room I was looking around and I found myself picking things out for Keith. I'm not sure why these things come into my head... but they do. Obviously there wasn't much purpose. But the thoughts were there.

And speaking of clothes, that was the day we went to Martin's. Among the people there was a bachelor. And I realized rather quickly I could have pointed to him as a bachelor, even having not been told, based on the fact that he had two small holes in his socks. I kept staring at the little holes thinking "dude... how can you not KNOW?" But I'm sure it would have been a surprise to him. And he'd have not really cared, anyway.

Just as, seeing Sam in his casual clothes (a sweater and jeans) I was pretty sure he wasn't single, either. No man picks out a sweater that is so fucking perfect for his body type on his own. No no. He looked amazing and some woman made it that way. I really should have just asked him that day "ah, and who picked out that sweater for you?" Because it was that obvious. But I tried to tell myself he'd just gotten lucky....

Right?

They say honesty is the best policy. But I'm not sure that's true. It seems to me that honesty isn't always the right thing to do.

I bring this up because Keith and I have been trying to get some chat time in this weekend and have been failing miserably. We've literally been missing each other by about 15 minutes on a regular basis. Were it not that we've both been staying up as late as our little brains can handle in order to see one another... well... we'd just stay online and wait, maybe. But the whole time difference is killing us.

Anyway. He wants to talk to me about something serious. He tells me that me telling him I love him is like me saying I love air. There's no difference. I'm not sure if that's exactly what he feels like he needs to tell me or if that's just him feeling mad/sorry.

Whatever the case may be I wandered upstairs after having read his note and took a shower. And thought about it. And standing there under the water I could feel the tears starting to prick my eyes. I held my face under the water and fought for control until I was sure I was going to be okay and not cry.

And then I started thinking. I know Keith needs to pull away from me. I know he needs to let go because I can be nothing more than a loving crutch to him. I adore him, I do. I think he's wonderful and amazing... but I also know that I can't keep him, right now. Much as I want him and want to try having a real live realtionship with him... I can't. I'm married and at this rate... staying that way, which is not what he wants.

So the question comes down to whether I should take whatever he has to say and respond to it honestly... with whatever emotions come up for me or do I stuff all those down for his sake and pretend that... what... that it doesn't matter?

Of course if I do the later I'll have to edit myself for a while blog-wise. Unless he stops reading.. which would probably be the right thing to do on his part.

All of this, of course, is based on the idea that he needs to be done with me. All the speculation on my part might be for nothing. But my fear makes it something. And something to think about.

Meanwhile, I drank half a Monster Khaos and it's making me caaaaaaaaaaaaarazy energetic. I have a rat cage to clean, boyeeeee. And then... well... I don't know. But I guess I just need to get away from the computer and try not to speculate anymore. Because the way my mind goes straight for the worst things... it just hurts me and I'd rather NOT spend the day on the verge of tears.

UFC PPV

So husband and I went to Martin's to watch the UFC PPV with two of Martin's friends and one of his friend's friends. Two other people were supposed to join but ended up canceling leaving the six of us. Myself the only girl. That was kind of nice. I like listening to men talk the way that men talk. Although I think they were holding back a little just because I was there. But not too much.

Martin and I ended up flirting the whole night. I asked if I could use his computer to check to see if Keith was online (and talk to him if he was... which he was not) and wandered into his "office" the room where all of this kind of came to a head. The chair that he keeps in there was in the living room so people would have a place to watch the fights so I ended up leaning over his desk to do my typing. Martin walked up behind me and pressed his hips against mine, pressing rhythmically against me. I moaned a little and he leaned forward to gather my breasts in his hands and tweak my nipples delicately, I moaned again.

Looking back I might have been a little quieter, but no one gave either of us any weird looks when we returned (separately) from the office. I went back to the office a couple more times over the course of the night and Martin joined me once more, doing essentially the same things. It was fucking hot knowing there were all these people just a room away completely oblivious to the fact that Martin was touching me the way he was.

Nothing came of it, though. I couldn't figure out how to get us a couple of minutes alone and at the end of the night husband was quick to jump up, ready to go home. I tried to get him to hit the bathroom before we left but apparently missed the fact that he'd gone just a few minutes earlier. So I never got any more time alone with Martin and I found myself quite disappointed.

Doubly so because still no sign of Keith. I may just completely miss him this whole weekend. That's so wrong.

Imagine

"You can't kiss me until you've shaved." My hand going to your face to caress the hard stubble there. You lean in anyway as I step back. Your arms coming up around me to hold me still. I can feel your breath against my lips, the softest caress there is.

You look deep into my eyes, your face a mask of determination... and desire. I turn my head away to avoid the contact. Your eyes drop and you run your sandpaper face against my neck making me quiver and moan. I can feel my body respond to the intimate touch as your lips and tongue slide over the newly sensitized skin. You continue to hold me, pushing me back until I'm against the wall, keeping me captive.

I gaze into your eyes already lost in my desire for you. You smile in triumph as your lips settle over mine, gently, careful to avoid abrading my skin. But as your fingers begin to slide under my clothes I find myself unable to resist. I feel no pain. Only passion. I kiss you back with all the excitement you make me feel every time you touch me.